The Stupidity of Camelot
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: funny little moments where someone is bound to be stupid somehow. Chapter 183: Atlantis and Merlin meet
1. In the Closet

**Summary: **Arthur is in the closet and needs a hand out.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur and Arthur/Food

Merlin let out a high pitched girly squeal – which he shall deny immediately when it is commented on.

"What the hell are you doing in there?" he demanded as he clutched his quickening heart.

"I'm in the closet Merlin."

"Yes I can see that but the question is why?"

It was a pleasant Wednesday morning; Merlin had just finished drying the laundry and folded them up, and planned to slack off for an hour or two while Arthur was in a meeting. Instead he had the shock of his life (which was, when considering all the monsters, witches, backstabbing, finding out about his father, finding out about how Arthur was conceived, rather stupid in itself) when he found Arthur squished in the cupboard usually reserved for his shirts and breeches.

"I. Am. In. The. Closet. Merlin," Arthur said slowly, stressing each word out as if Merlin was some dumb child.

"Yes, again, I can see that. Do you need a hand getting out?"

Merlin was suddenly very disturbed by the light shining in Arthur's eyes it was usually the light he had when something he really wanted was standing there right before him usually dipped in gravy...

"You would do that for me?" Arthur whispered in awe.

Merlin was very freaked out, "Erm...yeah," he shrugged, "it is my job after all."

Suddenly the light went out and rage covered Arthur's face as he flushed bright red. "What kind of dishonourable man do you think I am?" he roared. "How dare you suggest such things about me?"

"What?"

"Get out!"

"But-"

"OUT!"

Merlin quickly ducked the boot that Arthur had apparently been sitting on for god knows how long and ran for it back to Gaius' rooms where hopefully he would get the answer for Arthur's very strange behaviour. When he got there, caught his breath, and explained everything to Gaius he did not get the sympathy he deserved (which really shouldn't surprise him because when does he get the sympathy he deserves?). Instead Gaius just looked at him as if he was a simple-minded fool.

"Good God Merlin!" Gaius sighed, "You really are an idiot. It was obviously a metaphor."

"For what?" Merlin cried out.

"Arthur wanted to come out of the closet with you," Gaius explained.

"That doesn't make any sense!" Merlin wailed.

Gaius had a sudden urge to bash his head against his work bench.


	2. Saying Sorry

**Summary: **post 4x09, the Knights apologise to Merlin but he's not having it so they try to make a grand gesture to show him how sorry they are.

**Pairings: **implied Knights/Merlin, Merthur, and Arthur/Gwen

The knights approached Merlin warily. They were all very nervous and were hoping for the best while half expecting the worst. After they finally recovered from being bewitched and almost drained to death they went through their murky memories together only to remember how horrible they treated their favourite person (because let's face it there's just something adorable about Merlin that makes you love him). To make things worse Merlin had obviously been avoiding them for the past few days to the point he was running in the opposite direction of them and not turning up to practise.

Arthur keeps glaring at them to and according to Elyan Gwen was giving them all the silent treatment as well.

Therefore they were going to apologise and reassure Merlin they didn't mean a single word they said when they were enchanted by that girl.

"Merlin," Leon cleared his throat as they cornered the manservant one afternoon, "we have come to you today to formally apologise to you."

"Even though we were enchanted against one another it's no excuse," Percival said softly.

"You're our friend, my best friend, and we were prats to treat you like we did," Gwaine continued, "so how about we take you out for a drink and tell you how stupid we've all been?"

"We're really, really, sorry Merlin," Elyan added.

"No you're not," Merlin whispered looking a little heartbroken. They all started to protest but Merlin held up a hand effortlessly silencing them. "You were saying what you were thinking all this time. It's like that quest to get the Dragon's Egg all over again, you acted like big bullies when it came to dinner and me doing the chores, only this time you actually said the words and threatened me back into my place. Well guess what? I've finally listened to you, I'm not your friend I'm the King's manservant and I need to get back to my duties, good day Sirs."

"Merlin!" they all protested.

"Good day," Merlin said firmly pulling away from them and running down the corridor.

"We have to prove him wrong!" Gwaine said determinedly.

"But how?" Elyan asked.

"We have to make a grand gesture," Leon said, "Merlin basically said our actions before we were enchanted had spoken louder than our harsh words therefore we must show him that we honour him through our actions."

There was a long awkward silence.

"Merlin likes flowers," Percival offered shyly.

"Then we shall pick every flower in the kingdom!" Gwaine declared.

"Isn't that a bit extreme?" Leon asked being the only voice of reason.

The others ignored him.

"For the love of Merlin!" Gwaine shouted pulling his sword out.

"For the love of Merlin!" Elyan and Percival repeated.

Leon sighed heavily. He knew he was going to have to control the other three but he too also wanted Merlin's forgiveness. He had said the worst things out of the knights and since he was the senior knight it was his duty to reign in the younger ones when they're playing their practical jokes which he didn't do when they were on the Dragon Egg quest. He really missed Merlin as well, they would always have friendly quiet conversations and Merlin would do his laundry without expecting anything back, and they always had each other's backs when dragging Gwaine out of a Tavern...

Oh what the hell it was for the love of Merlin!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur was frustrated, angry, and exhausted...and it was all Merlin's fault!

All right, he understood that Merlin had a right to be angry and unforgiving this time, but really couldn't he just forgive the knights and have some sort of revenge? The knights have become so desperate to gain Merlin's forgiveness that they have filled Gaius' room to the brim with flowers (Arthur got hay fever when Merlin chucked them all out of the window and it was as if it was raining flowers all over Arthur), started a band and tried to serenade him (and woken up the entire castle with their dreadful music and terrible singing...well apart from Percival he had a surprisingly good voice), held a huge feast in the Rising Sun in his honour (Arthur had to pay for the massive bill), and now their latest act had destroyed the outside of Arthur's beautiful castle.

Painted in bold red was a terrible wobbly: **WE'RE SORRY MERLIN!**

It was written all over the castle wall! His beautiful white stone is ruined! It'll take months, maybe years, for that to wash off!

He had no choice but to pass a law that would strip Merlin of his rights. It was the only way to get some peace around here. Once everyone was in the hall, he cleared his throat, stood up, and declared his new law.

"The one named Merlin of Elador must forgive anyone who has insulted him, harmed him, or bullied him once the perpetrator apologises to him the first time. Failing to do so will result in a month's time worth in the stocks."

The knights cheered and hugged one another before grabbing hold of Merlin and hugging him. Merlin sent Arthur death glares and Arthur just knew his bath was going to be stone cold, there won't be any meat for dinner, his clothes will remain soiled and in a corner of his room stinking up the place and Merlin won't speak to him for a week at least!

It was oddly like having a nagging wife already.

Maybe he should get a wife before Merlin starts to withhold sex...


	3. Gwen's Slutty Revenge!

**Summary: **Gwen decides to have her revenge on Arthur after he breaks up with her and gives the Knights and Merlin a very nice goodbye.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Leon, Gwen/Percival, Gwen/Gwaine, Gwen/Merlin, Gwen/Arthur, hinted Merthur.

**Author's Note:** for some reason Fanfiction isn't allowing me to reply to your reviews. Therefore thank you very much for everyone who reviewed for chapter two it was very kind of you and cheered me up to no end.

Gwen pulled down her bodice as far as she could without having her breasts spilling out. She let her hair loose from its tie and put on her special lipstick that she wore only for special occasions. She grinned at her reflection, this will show Arthur; show him what he'd be missing if he continues to think her 'inappropriate'.

She stride across the courtyard and passed Arthur without a second glance as she threw her arms round her brother. Elyan awkwardly hugged her back, they never really embraced one another, she had yet to truly forgive him for never returning home until it was too late and he was just...well he was a man they don't hug they punch each other.

She then kissed Leon's cheek with a loud satisfying smack and giggled when she saw the pale pink mark she left on his cheek. She leaned forwards to give him a good view as she wiped his cheek with her thumb. "Take care of my brother, Sir Leon," she said huskily.

Leon just blushed and stuttered. She hadn't seen him this flustered since she dressed him up as a woman last year.

She smirked the satisfied irritating smirk that Morgana had perfected and rushed over to Percival where she threw her arms round his neck and pulled him down so she could kiss his chin. "Oh you're so big!" she cried out as innocently as possible.

Gwaine had burst out laughing and a sly glance at Arthur told her that he was just gobsmacked at her behaviour. The perfect way to shut up Gwaine and to horrify Arthur further was all in one perfect move – she moved gracefully away from Percival, grabbed Gwaine by the shoulders and pressed her lips against his in a sweet chaste kiss. "Behave Sir Gwaine, you are going to war not to the Tavern," she said sweetly.

Gwaine smoothly grabbed her hand and kissed it. "As you wish, My Lady," he said.

She giggled and pulled away. She turned round to face Merlin who was watching her with concern, he probably thought she was under some spell or was ill or something, oh well she shall give him something else to think about. She smiled at him with all the sensual air that Morgana used to hold before she became so...cold, and pulled Merlin close to her before pressing her lips against his gently, he gasped out of surprise and she used it to her advantage as she turned the gentle kiss into a full out snog.

Merlin was a very good snog, he let her lead, didn't shove his own tongue down her throat, and held her lightly so she could move if she wished to. The complete opposite to Arthur who always led the kiss, held onto her too tight and shoved his tongue down her throat the moment he could. It was a very good snog, perhaps the best. She pulled away and was very satisfied to see Merlin sink to the floor in complete shock.

She then jumped back, pretended to be surprised when she saw Arthur and curtsied deeply, "My apologies Your Majesty," she said humbly, "I was merely saying goodbye to my brother and dear friends. I wish you well in this battle."

At this she flounced back into the castle with a very smug smile. Take that Arthur Pendragon, she thought vindictively.

Everyone exchanged surprised and very confused looks. Arthur felt very confused, he didn't understand why his potential wife had just thrown herself on his friends but she did and it upset him quite a lot but what really upset him confused him further.

Why on god's name did she snog Merlin?

And why did she feel the need to manhandle his manservant?

And why was Merlin practically crying and moaning about too much lipstick and breasts? Was he gay or something?


	4. The Great Slash Potion

**Summary: **Morgana realises she doesn't need to kill Gwen off to prevent her from becoming queen she just needs to distract Arthur with someone else...

**Pairings: **Merthur, slight Morgana/Gwen, and hinted Morgana/Leon/Gwaine

**Author's Note: **according to none of your reviews for the previous chapter exists...still...so anyway thank you for those who had tried to review.

She was in the middle of making her poultice when the thought came to her.

_She didn't need Gwen to die to prevent her from taking the throne. _

She felt horrified that she did not think about this before. Gwen was her dearest and closest friend in the world. Morgause was her beloved sister, Arthur was a prat, Uther was a tyrant, Gaius was a misguided old fool, and Merlin was a traitor. Those were all the people in her life – unless you counted Mordred who she didn't really know very well but had a strange connection to. Gwen will always remain her best friend and she cannot bear the thought of watching Uther burn Gwen simply because Arthur fell in love with her.

All Morgana needed to do was divert Arthur's attention away from Gwen and onto someone else. Then Gwen will remain forever Morgana's handmaiden and best friend and never sit on the throne of Camelot which rightfully belongs to her.

Then another thought came to Morgana.

If she could prevent Arthur from having heirs then her own children could take the throne in her steed. It will be her magical bloodline that shall rule Camelot in the end and she wouldn't have to do anymore than any other ordinary woman needed to do.

She glanced out of the window and her eyes fell on Merlin who was wandering across the courtyard.

A smirk grew on her face.

She was hitting about five or so birds with one stone. She would keep Gwen off the throne, keep Arthur from siring heirs, keep Merlin entertained so she can plot in peace, rule Camelot eventually, and finally have her revenge on Merlin.

She continues to make the poultice only with a new intention in her mind.

She shall make Arthur Pendragon fall in love with Merlin of Elador.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"Good Morning!" Merlin called out cheerfully as he opened the curtains. "It's a lovely day so get out of bed you lazy prat!"

"I don't want to get out of bed, why don't you join me, and then I can prove how I'm not lazy, _Mer_lin." Arthur purred.

Merlin froze. The last time Arthur used that sort of tone was when he was under that love spell for Vivian...

"What?" he said numbly.

"I _said_, come to _bed,_ _Mer_lin," Arthur drawled.

Merlin turned round to find Arthur, completely naked apart from the thin white sheet covering his hips and legs'; lying on his side in what he probably thought was a sexy pose.

Merlin thought he looked stupid especially with the rose he put in his mouth just as Merlin turned round.

"What?" Merlin repeated, trying to wake up by pinching himself, because this had to be some sort of nightmare, "Ouch!"

Arthur jumped out of bed and marched towards Merlin, who quickly looked down at the floor so he didn't have to see Arthur's nakedness; he grabbed hold of Merlin's arm and pulled him close. Merlin was uncomfortably aware that his face was against Arthur's very naked, very muscle-y, and very hairy (though it was so light it was no wonder he never saw it before) chest.

"I cannot bear to see you inflict such pain on yourself, my love!"

"What?"

"Promise me that you shall leave your fair skin unblemished. It is only mine to mark! You should never let anyone but I see your beautiful naked skin! Promise me that you have never lain with anyone but me!"

"What?"

"I see your ocean blue eyes grow dark and stormy with the thought of me bedding you!"

"Are you on something?"

"And you wet your ripe red rose lips with anticipation. You desperately seek to taste my lips as I desire to taste yours!"

"Seriously, what the hell?"

"Kiss me, my love!"

"Wha- hmph!"

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Morgana was sitting in the throne room besides Uther acting like the perfect ward and courtier while Gaius was giving a very boring report about the latest flu epidemic. She wondered briefly if Merlin had finally woken up and gone to his duties only to find a lovesick Arthur panting after him. She smirked. Merlin was always uncomfortable with any sort of romance...

There was a loud high pitched scream that woke everyone up from their daze. The hall doors were wrenched open and a ruffled, dishevelled and terrified Merlin ran in.

"Gaius, you got to help me!" Merlin cried out.

A naked Arthur followed in. "Wait for me my love!" he called out. "We have not fully satisfied ourselves yet!"

Uther face palmed and Morgana smirked even more. At this rate she'll be queen simply because Arthur was an embarrassment to the Pendragon name. "Arthur, if you are going to bed your manservant do it in the privacy of your bed chambers not in the middle of my meeting with the commons," Uther sneered.

"Wait!" Merlin shouted trying to hide under a table while Arthur pulled him out by the ankle. "You're all right with Arthur shagging me but not all right with the idea of Arthur shagging Gwen?"

"Well you're hardly going to get pregnant are you?"

"Erm...no..."

"Then why should I care what my son does with you in his bed? JUST GET OUT!"

Arthur grinned as he dragged a kicking and screaming Merlin out of the hall. Another shriek joined in only this one was filled with excitement as Gwen bounded across the hall and hugged Morgana. "How sexy was that?" she squealed.

Uther raised an eyebrow, "You do not mind?"

"Of course not! I love Arthur but I'm not in love with him," Gwen giggled, "I've always been a Merthur shipper and now it's finally happened. Just like you said it would Morgana!"

Morgana let go of all propriety as she joined in the excited squealing. She remembered back when Merlin first arrived in Camelot she and Gwen would sit up in the night discussing how cute, sexy, and romantic Merthur was. They would always discuss how Merthur would happen and who would make the first move and so on...ah good times.

"We should look through the peephole tonight to see if they're still at it!" Morgana declared leading to a babble of giggles and excited squeals between the two girls.

Uther face palmed again and sighed heavily, "fan girls," he muttered.

Morgana cuddled Gwen happily as her plan finally worked! Now Arthur would be too busy shagging Merlin to have heirs and Gwen would be too busy being Morgana's fellow partner in fan girl-ing to think of seducing Arthur again. Now all she needs to do is find a husband so she could have heirs...

...Mmm who would make the better husband, Leon or Gwaine? Sir Leon was very loyal, cute in a teddy bear way, and actually rather rugged and she could deal with being married to him because she would totally be in the breeches in that relationship. But then Gwaine was incredibly sexy, charming, flirtatious and would promise her a good time...but then again Gwaine didn't like to settle down and Leon was too loyal to Uther...hmm...decisions...decisions...

Meanwhile as Morgana was pondering on who to marry the poultice wore off and Arthur came back to his senses just in the middle of shagging Merlin. He decided it was so good and better than anything else that he might as well keep going and make Merlin his mistress...err...stable boy for the rest of their lives.


	5. Lancelot's Mistake

**Summary: **evil! Lancelot makes a mistake early on and gets killed for it.

**Pairings: **implied Lancelot/Merlin, Knights/Merlin, Merthur, some background Arthur/Gwen/Lancelot

Merlin couldn't believe his eyes.

Lancelot was alive.

Lancelot was breathing.

Lancelot was standing there right before him.

He couldn't help it...he burst into tears – and if the others dare tease him about it he'll be quick to remind them how much they cried when Lancelot died. All that guilt for not getting to the rift fast enough came back along with the guilt about not using magic to save Lancelot, for not killing the Callachs and just general survivors guilt.

"Lancelot!" he cried out.

He ran as quickly as he could, arms spread out wide, and a child bark of laughter escape him along with more tears. He then threw himself at the dark knight and clung to him tightly, "I thought I'd never see you again," he murmured against Lancelot's neck as his tears ran down the rather cold and shiny armour.

"Get off Merlin!" Lancelot shouted in a rather Arthur-ish way and then proceeded to push Merlin.

Merlin was completely shocked and taken back at this un-Lancelot behaviour that he didn't regain his balance in time and ended up falling on the floor...hard.

It hurt a lot.

Something he will play up to gain more sympathy from Gaius and hopefully get some delicious berries out of it.

Oh and escape from chores for a week.

"Did he just push Merlin?" Gwaine shouted.

"I think he just did," Leon frowned.

The crowds started to mutter darkly and Gwen glared at Lancelot. Agravaine face palmed it was obvious while moulding Lancelot's mind that Morgana had forgotten an important detail or two...like the fact Merlin was Lancelot's friend and Merlin is the most likable guy in the world. Seriously, he was evil and totally on Morgana's side but he can't help but like Merlin as well. Morgana seemed bent on thinking of the manservant to be nothing but an idiot and a rather unpopular one at that as well because of this most of their plans seemed to be foiled within seconds.

"He must be evil!" Elyan cried out.

"Get him," Percival growled.

By the time Arthur had come out of his shocked stupor of his sort of best friend (it was very hard to decide whether or not Lancelot is his best friend because really Merlin is his best friend and has been there longer, and knows everything about him, but you're not supposed to secretly want to see your best friend naked are you?) return to live Lancelot had not only had the living shit beaten out of him by the knights, but the whole of the Citadel throw rotten vegetables at him (do they just take these things to events in hope of throwing them at Merlin?) and someone...most likely Gwen, he wasn't sure, had run their sword through Lancelot thus killing him.

Honestly what was the point in coming back if he was just going to die again?


	6. Doors Have Ears

**Summary: **Arthur finds he can't confront Gwen without eavesdroppers

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, sort of if you want Merlin/Percival

**Author's Note: **I still can't review reply so thank you to all who bothered to review the last chapter.

Arthur did not know if he could feel more pain than he had tonight.

The images of Guinevere kissing Lancelot were burned into his mind. His beloved fiancée who he was to marry tomorrow had betrayed him. With his best friend (well, ok, he wasn't sure if Lancelot was his best friend since he knows Leon and Merlin better and for longer). He had originally been filled with such a burning rage that he would have put his sword through Lancelot's heart if it hadn't been for Guinevere standing between them. Then he felt an agonising screaming pain as he was sure his heart had been torn out of his body and shredded into little pieces.

As he declares Guinevere's punishment he feels nothing but numbness.

Though while he confronts the crying girl he also feels sparks of rage, hurt, hate, pity, and love.

Once he finishes his conversation he confidentially strides across the room trying to mask any hurt he had shown to Guinevere moments before. He grabs hold of the door handle and wrenches it open –

Only to have his Knights, Uncle, Courtiers, and Merlin tumble into the room in a mass of limbs and compromising positions.

Now all he feels is annoyance.

"Seriously?" he said.

"Erm...well...ah...you see," Merlin stutters against Percival's buttocks.

"We've all been enchanted," Gwaine lies smoothly.

Arthur raises an eyebrow. Honestly he wasn't his father, he wasn't going to fall for the whole 'enchanted' lie Courtiers used whenever they attempted murder or conspiracy, he wasn't that stupid.

"Look a pink sparkly unicorn!" Elyan blurts out as he points to the right.

Arthur turns to see this so called pink sparkly unicorn only to see there was nothing but the dank darkness he turns back to see everyone had run off to avoid a scolding.

Guinevere gives him a 'really Arthur, _really_?' look that she used to use all the time when he was being particularly stupid or prattish.

No matter what Merlin or anyone else implies though he wasn't _that _stupid.

Or at least he was still not as stupid as his father.


	7. Evil Merlin!

**Summary: **Merlin is blatantly obviously evil...so why is Gwen the only one who notices it?

**Pairings: **heavily implied Merthur, Gwaine/Merlin, and a little Merlin/other Knights, some Arwen and a little Gwen/Lancelot.

**Author's Note: **Fanfiction still broken so once again thank you everyone for reviewing the previous few chapters.

Arthur blinked.

There stood Merlin dressed in obscenely tight black breeches made in shiny material that looked like cow hide and a billowing black shirt. He did not wear a neckerchief! This was slightly distracting to Arthur as it always had been when Merlin occasionally went without his neckerchief, all Arthur could think about is how pale and slender Merlin's neck is and how good it would be to put some sort of mark that would get Gwaine to back off...anyway to add to the oddness of this new outfit Merlin had his hair slicked back with some sort of grease.

"You look like a prat," Arthur said.

"Takes one to know one," Merlin retorted.

"Oh shut up, _Mer_lin!"

"Shall I leave you to starve and feed this poisoned dinner to Gwaine instead?"

"You're not giving anything to Gwaine!" Arthur snapped. "In fact you're not going anywhere near Gwaine in those obscenely tight breeches. They'll give him too many ideas."

Merlin stared at Arthur blankly wondering how stupid this king could be when he outright admitted that he poisoned the dinner and all the royal pratness could care about is Merlin going near Gwaine in tight clothes.

Arthur instantly misinterpreted Merlin's blank look and rolled his eyes. "You're such an idiot, _Mer_lin," he said.

Merlin was about to say something very witty and cruel. Something so cruel that it'll have Arthur weeping in his pillows for a week giving Merlin the perfect opportunity to stab him in the back...literally. however the moment he opened his mouth the door slammed open and Gwaine, Percival, Leon, Elyan, and some random knight that Merlin didn't know too well came in.

"Good God almighty," Gwaine said giving Merlin an admiring glance, "I like the new look."

"You can keep your eyes and hands off of him, Sir Gwaine," Arthur growled.

"Don't be a spoil sport Arthur," Gwaine pouted.

"What happened to your neckerchief, Merlin?" Percival asked.

"I felt it was too innocent and childish," Merlin said coolly.

"But...but...innocent and childish is what you are, Merlin!" Elyan protested.

Merlin simply sneered as the knights continued to discuss their favourite traits about Merlin and how they liked him to be innocent, naive, unblemished...well they didn't exactly care during that Dragon Egg quest, did they?

Merlin's bored eyes fell onto Arthur's sword and he wondered if it would be too suspicious if it magically flew into Arthur's heart...

Once again the door slammed open and Gwen let out a wild war cry as she knocked Merlin out with a silver jug.

"Guinevere!" Arthur cried out, horrified.

"What the hell Gwen?" Elyan shouted.

"How could you do that to _Merlin_ of all people?" Leon asked.

"He's evil!" Gwen protested. "This isn't the real Merlin, when does Merlin ever wear black, or have his hair slicked back, or act all funny?"

"Guinevere, if wearing black meant you were evil then my own uncle would be on Morgana's side," Arthur said, "it's not very fair to accuse people of being evil because of what they wear, is it?"

"And Merlin always acts funny so this isn't really anything new," Gwaine drawled.

"I think you might just be a little jealous Gwen," Leon said sadly, "I know it isn't fun to remain here while we're out on quests but Merlin is hardly having fun with us."

"I'm not jealous!" Gwen shouted.

"Sure you're not," Elyan snorted, "I don't think I've ever been so ashamed of you, sis, I mean come on, this is _Merlin _you're hurting."

Suddenly the random knight who only came to see something amusing died right there and then. Gwen's eyes widened as she realised Merlin actually did poison Arthur's dinner and they were all very lucky that the random knight was such a pig he helped himself to it before Arthur could take a single bite.

"See!" she screeched out. "Merlin poisoned Arthur's dinner! He must be evil!"

"Guinevere, I think you had a very tiring day and you need some rest," Arthur said softly, "Sir Whats-His-Name is probably just drunk." Gwaine bent down to pick Merlin up and Arthur suddenly snapped out of his softer side and into a much harsher side, "I said keep your filthy paws off of him!"

"Urgh!" Gwen groaned. "The lot of you are idiots!"

She then stomped off muttering curses under her breath as the Knights and Arthur fought over who got to carry Merlin to Gaius' rooms and forgetting about the poor dead knight. _Lancelot wouldn't do this,_ she thought mutinously, _he would have believed me and helped save Merlin and that poor knight. _

She took great joy in knocking Merlin out again later that day.


	8. Leon's Dirty Little Secret

**Summary: **Leon has a one true love that the others are struggling to accept.

**Pairings: **Leon/OC

Leon stroked the beautiful mahogany brown...it was so soft, clean, perfect, shiny...

"You are the most beautiful thing I ever laid eyes on," he murmured lovingly, "no! Do not speak my love, I must admire all of your qualities! You are practical, elegant, beautiful, well strung, and so very strong...I wish to stroke you all night long."

"Leon," Arthur said looking very disturbed, "what on earth are you doing?"

"It looks like he's wa-"

"Do not even think about finishing that sentence, Gwaine!" Elyan snapped. "Merlin is in the room and we don't want his innocence to be corrupted."

"Hey!" Merlin shouted.

They ignored him.

As always.

"I don't care what you think, Arthur!" Leon burst out passionately. "Its true love and I cannot spend a moment without my beloved! With or without your blessing I shall make this beautiful creature mine!"

Everyone looked horrified.

"Even I'm disgusted and I'm willing to try anything," Gwaine said numbly.

Arthur let out a frustrated sigh, "Leon, put the crossbow down," he said, "We have a quest that needs attending to."

He then left the room immediately followed by Merlin and the others. Leon stroked the beautiful wood and pressed his lips against the middle. "Don't listen my beloved," he whispered, "I shall never let them get between us."

"We can still hear you!" Arthur shouted.


	9. Morgana's Sex Slaves

**Summary: **Morgana finds a huge positive in kidnapping young handsome men and brainwashing them to do her bidding. She is fulfilling every fan girl's dream.

**Pairings: **Morgana/Merlin, Morgana/Lancelot, a little Merthur, some Arthur/Gwen, and some Gwen/Lancelot. Also one-sided Agravaine/Morgana and implied Morgana/Leon/Percival/Gwaine/Elyan.

"Oh no Merlin," Morgana laughed, "I'm going to have some fun with you first."

"What do you m-"

Merlin let out a strangled sound as he felt something pierce the skin at the back of his neck. There was a strange slithering sensation as something scaly wiggled in his neck and then his mind dulled and he was no longer thinking about how evil and bitter Morgana had become and how he could escape...no all he was thinking was how beautiful and thrilling Morgana was with her beautiful green eyes and soft pale skin, luscious black hair and red kissable lips...her fingers were brushing against his neck, just only the tips of them but they were all he could think about as he tried to lean into the sensation.

"You will be my sex toy," she purred in her lovely voice.

"Yes Mistress."

She then unchained him and led him to the bed with a great big smirk on her face. She always sort of fancied Merlin, there was something very adorable and sexy about him that she could never quite put her finger on. It irritated her that Merlin had never once looked her way as his eyes were always on Arthur and it angered her that he would choose Arthur of all people over her.

Oh well it's not like it matters now as Merlin kisses her with such skill that she never expected from him.

Must have been the magic's influence.

**A few months later...**

She stood there smirking as a naked figure rose up from the lake. Her plan was already working! She shall prevent Gwen from taking her throne and break Arthur's heart all in one single move. Her smirk suddenly disappeared when she looked at the naked figure.

Gah!

She had forgotten how ridiculously good looking Lancelot was. In all fairness she had only seen him once years ago when he tried to become a knight under Uther's rule and therefore can't be expected to remember in detail what he looked like.

So there she stood gormlessly as she stared at this beautiful bronze man with perfect abs and biceps with droplets of water dribbling down them, he had a beautiful face with perfect cheekbones that could almost rival Merlin's, and soulful eyes. He was the opposite of the beautiful yet slightly feminine and snowy pale Merlin.

She always did like to try everything at least once.

"I am yours to command Milady," he said huskily as he drew closer to her.

What she should do is smirk and tell him about Gwen and how he should seduce her away from Arthur and ruin her reputation. Instead she just felt her face heat up as she remembered it had been far too long since she used Merlin to relieve some tension and he was so very handsome...

"Kiss me," she whispered.

He bent down and proceeded to give her one of the best kisses she ever had. It was all soft, loving, and perfectly skilled. Why on earth did Gwen choose Arthur over this?

He pulled away when breathing became necessary and she regained her smirk. "Mmm," she purred, "I could have some fun with this..."

A few days later Morgana regretfully had to have Lancelot killed off before Arthur actually grew a brain cell and realised that it wasn't really Lancelot in his dungeons. Spending those few days being served by Lancelot Morgana was fully adjusted to having regular sex and was now craving for another sexual release.

"Agravaine, I want you to kidnap Sir Leon, Sir Gwaine, Sir Elyan, Sir Percival, and Merlin," she ordered.

"Whatever for, Morgana?"

"I need a sexual release and having them as my sex slaves would fulfil every need I have," she said coolly.

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"I am a good looking man with experience and have strong fond feelings for you, if you are so desperate for a sexual release I can provide it for you."

"How old are you exactly? You look almost old enough to be my father."

"Erm...I'll just kidnap the young men for you."


	10. The Truth About George

**Summary: **a man is kidnapped in the middle of the night and asked a very important favour

**Pairings: **just general friendship between Knights, Arthur, and Merlin, and a little Merthur I suppose.

He slowly woke up to the sound of several men arguing and his headache steadily getting worse. The last thing he had remembered was polishing the last of the armour and heading back to the Servant Quarters so he could get a few hours sleep before waking up in time to get the dishes out for breakfast.

"You only just had to ask him not knock him out and tie him to a chair like he's a prisoner!" one voice shouted angrily.

"He might have said no!" another voice protested childishly.

"We're asking him to be the manservant to the king, I doubt he'll say no Gwaine," a different voice said dryly.

"It's Arthur, face it, he's a nightmare to deal with especially first thing in the morning so it's highly possible that this guy here would have said no and he's the only one in the whole castle that looks vaguely like Merlin," Gwaine moaned.

"He looks nothing like Merlin!" the first voice exclaimed.

"I dunno...if you dress him in clothes similar to Merlin I think he could pass for him in the distance," another new voice said nervously.

The blackness cleared from his eyes and he was surprised to find Sir Leon, Sir Gwaine, Sir Elyan, and Sir Percival scrutinising him.

"Sirs!" he cried out. "What can I do for you?"

"We need you to wear this," Sir Gwaine said throwing a bright blue shirt and red neckerchief at him, "with your brown jacket and breeches when you serve breakfast to King Arthur tomorrow."

"I get to serve the great and mighty King Arthur?" he asked.

Yes! This was the acknowledgement of his hard work that he had been hoping for! If he became the manservant of King Arthur he would be one of the most powerful servants in the castle and would no longer have to wash dishes ever again!

"Oh God," Sir Elyan moaned, "look at him! He's all star struck at the idea of working for Arthur, that's nothing like Merlin at all!"

"I...have to act like Merlin?" he asked hesitatingly.

"It would help," Sir Percival explained gently, "King Arthur misses Merlin greatly and he needs some comfort right now. We thought if his new servant looked like Merlin he would miss Merlin a little less."

"And be far gentler to us poor sods on the training field," Sir Gwaine drawled, "I don't think my buttocks has felt the same since yesterday morning."

"That was something none of us wanted to know, Gwaine," Sir Leon grimaced.

"Beg your pardon, sirs," he said politely, "if you were to untie me I could get change into these items of clothing."

"Oh! Of course," Sir Percival kindly untied him, "What is your name?"

"George, Sir," he replied.

"He's a bit of a suck up and I don't think he can hold up against a bantering match with Arthur," Sir Leon said worriedly.

"Don't worry so much Leon," Sir Gwaine said as he threw an arm round George, "I bet this kid is a barrel of laughs. Tell me George do you know any jokes?"

"I know many jokes about brass, Sir."

The knights exchanged an odd look it looked like a mixture of pain, horror, worry, and laughter.

"Arthur will love you, kid," Sir Gwaine grinned.


	11. Once Upon a Merlin

**Summary: **all of the fairy tales Merlin-fied. Sort of inspired by Once Upon a Time which is an awesome TV show I recommend to you all. Also sort of inspired by Astiza's Snow White/Merlin fic, I totally recommend you read all her works. This chapter is dedicated to TVnut who had gotten me into Once Upon a Time since it is her birthday. Happy Birthday TVnut!

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Freya, Merlin/Gwaine, Uther/Troll Uther/Uther, Mordred/Mordred, and plenty of Merthur!

**Princess and the Frog:**

"Gwen I need you to kiss this!"

Gwen let out a little shriek and swung the silver jug hard sending the small green frog flying out of the window. Merlin whimpered when the creature made a disgusting _SPLAT_ sound against the next cottage's wall.

"Why on earth would you do that to me?" Gwen cried out.

Merlin began to cry just a little bit. Gwen kept her eyes fixed on the wall behind him so she wouldn't give into the temptation of saying sorry and comforting him. "That was Arthur!" Merlin whispered.

On second thoughts...

**Princess and the Pea:**

"Explain this to me again," Merlin said tiredly, "Gwen has to spend a night here in the castle three days before her wedding because...?"

"She must be tested by my Courtiers," Arthur explained, "one of the ladies shall put a pea under her mattress while the others will observe how many mattresses, pillows, and blankets Gwen requests in order to attempt to get comfortable or failing that just how crappy she looks in the morning without a good night sleep."

"Why?"

"Well to test how sensitive she is. Is she can feel this pea then she is a true princess and can be allowed to marry me. If Guinevere passes this test then we shall proceed with an engagement tournament where hot sweaty men shall put their jousting sticks into garlands of flowers to symbolise how I shall take Guinevere's virginity on our wedding night, we then feast while twelve beautiful women dance before us, and then finally we wed very early in the morning so we can all get sloshed throughout the day. That was how Father married Mother and they had a very happy marriage."

Merlin stared at Arthur disbelievingly. He wondered if it was wise to point out that a. Gwen wasn't a virgin, b. Gwen wasn't a princess like Arthur's Mother was, c. No one but Arthur wants to watch hot sweaty men stick sticks into garland, and d. What the hell? Just what the hell?

"Your Mother couldn't sleep because of one lousy pea?" was all Merlin managed to voice.

"According to Father she had up to twenty mattresses, ten blankets, and one hundred and thirty eight pillows and could still feel the damn vegetable," Arthur said proudly.

"Arthur...I think you're family is insane."

"Oh shut up _Mer_lin."

**Sleeping Beauty:**

"On his sixteenth birthday the young prince shall prick his finger on a spindle and die," an elderly witch cackled.

"Guards! Take this hag into the dungeons!" Uther ordered coolly. "Then you shall find every spindle in the kingdom and have it burned alongside this witch by the end of the week."

"But Father you can't burn all the spindles in the kingdom it will ruin the cloth trade and give us a difficult economy," Arthur protested.

"I am doing this to protect you Arthur," Uther said.

"But-"

"Don't argue with me young man! I am the king and whatever I say goes, do you hear me?"

"Father-"

"I said-"

His Father was interrupted by a loud bang and a puff of smoke. They all choked as it cleared up to reveal a stunning beautiful young woman dressed in pale blue, she smiled softly at them, "Fear not, your Majesty, for I shall soften the curse instead of instant death the sweet prince shall fall into a deep slumber for a hundred years until true love's kiss."

"Guards! Take this hag into the dungeons as well! She'll burn alongside the other one and all the spindles in the kingdom!"

"Father!" Arthur protested. "She was only trying to help!"

"She was using magic therefore she is sentenced to death."

"For god sake Father, I'm twenty one I hardly think this stupid curse is going to affect me!"

"Go and play with your sword Arthur and leave me to govern the country how I please."

Arthur stormed off muttering darkly under his breath about stupid fathers, witches, and spindles. He added spindles as another thing he didn't to unban when he becomes king and then headed to his room since his father didn't specify which sword Arthur should play with Arthur decided to release a different kind of tension as he thought of the pretty witch's blue eyes.

**Snow White:**

Gwen was about to take a bite out of the delicious crisp red fruit when Merlin suddenly grabbed hold of it and chucked it across the courtyard. She let out a horrified gasp as it hit Arthur in the back of the head.

"Merlin!"

"It's not what it looks like!" Merlin protested.

"It looked like you threw my snack at Arthur!"

"I did it to save your life. The last time someone ate an apple around here they fell in a coma, got groped by Gwaine, kissed by all the knights, and woke up singing a very embarrassing song. Do you want to end up in that position Gwen, do you?" there was a moment pause. "Though I do admit hitting Arthur was just an added bonus."

Gwen raised an eyebrow at Merlin. "What have I told you about drinking, Merlin?"

"Not to...but I'm telling the truth!"

"I don't really care I'm starving and you just threw away the only snack I had!"

**Cinderella:**

"How was it?" Gwaine asked

Merlin moaned, "Once he gets started he never stops."

"Ooh, sounds like you had a little bit of naughty fun," Gwaine said waggling his eyebrows.

Merlin looked up from under the duvet. "I didn't mean that," he said hurriedly, "I meant talking and dancing!"

"Sure dancing," Gwaine teased.

"That's all we did! Arthur would never dishonour Gwen like that!"

"I don't understand why you had to pretend to be her in the first place," Gwaine said as he acted responsible (for the first and last time in his life) and looked after Merlin by pulling off the sole shoe his foot was squashed into and giving it a foot rub. "I mean couldn't she have gone herself?"

"she wanted Arthur to apologise to her and ask her to go to the ball himself, of course with him being an arrogant prat and all he wasn't going to do that, but since he really needed Gwen to fend off all those princesses Agravaine invited I decided to go disguised as her...ooh...Mmm...do that again."

Gwaine smirked as he stroked the heel of Merlin's foot. "You need to take that dress off Merlin, not that I'm complaining you suit that shade of blue," he purred. He liked how fetching Merlin looked dressed in Gwen's clothes but he would much rather have his lover naked and beneath him.

There was a sudden knock on the door and they both groaned as Gwaine went to answer it. There was an unimpressed looking Arthur holding out a glass slipper. "Tell Merlin to conjure up a more suitable pair of footwear in the future, Guinevere would never wear anything as impractical as glass...and yes I knew it was Merlin because Guinevere would never call me a prat."

Merlin snorted into his pillow, "Not to your face," he muttered.

**Thumbelina:**

"_Mer_lin, what. Did. You. Do?" Arthur hissed through gritted teeth.

"I...erm...may...erm...well...shrunk us," Merlin stuttered.

"_WHAT?_!"

"Don't shout Arthur! I'll solve this...somehow!"

"How on earth did you manage to shrink us? It's not like you have magic or anything," Arthur scoffed.

Merlin felt a sudden urge to bash his head against something hard or even better just to throttle Arthur. For the love of Camelot he was so obviously using magic right in front of Arthur when they suddenly shrunk to about thumb size and yet Arthur still insists on him being magic less?

Maybe there was some inflection of the brain that prevented Arthur for having a logic thought?

"Look!" Arthur shouted suddenly pointing to something. "There's Gaius! He'll help us after all it must have been one of his funny medicines that did this to us."

"_Right_," Merlin muttered sarcastically.

"Gaius! Gaius! We're over here! Help! Gaius! GAIUS!"

Gaius frowned as he heard an annoying pestering squeaky noise. He wasn't sure what it was but it was very irritating and was giving him a headache. He focused himself on his work and attempted to ignore the annoying sound.

He moved a glass vial and sat down to work on the acne cure for the young Lady Anna when the noise suddenly stopped.

How odd.

Merlin stood there horrified as Arthur died beneath a glass vial.

**Little Red Riding Hood:**

Morgana smirked as she made her way back to the castle. She had just met with her beloved sister Morgause, finalised some plans in killing off Uther and Arthur, and secured Merlin's death. Now all she had to do was curl up in bed and let all the chaos deal with everyone else.

"Hello little girl," a voice purred.

She turned to see, much to her astonishment, a wolf standing on its hind legs and talking to her.

"What...what are you?"

"I'm the Big Bad Wolf," the wolf smirked showing all of his teeth, "nice smirk but you need to practise it."

She glowered at the disgusting thing. "What do you want?"

"I'm so very hungry," the wolf purred, "and you look so very appetising in your red cloak..." he lunged at her and without even thinking she reacted with a magic spell.

She stood there covered in wolf guts and looked admiringly at the wolf skin...she always wanted a fur coat in the winter.

**Beauty and the Beast:**

"So..."

"So..."

"Your father married a troll."

"Shut up _Mer_lin!"

**Rapunzel:**

Uther woke up from a nightmare where he lost all of his hair. He slapped his hand on his head and sighed in relief as he felt his beautiful soft locks beneath his fingers. He got up and was ready for another day of being king, stamping out magic, and being a loving but distant father to his two children.

He suddenly tripped over and hit his chin hard causing himself to bite his tongue.

He let out a strangled scream.

He let out another one when he saw his hair which was still growing out of the window.

Somewhere in the castle the Goblin possessed Gaius is snickering evilly to himself.

**Rumpelstiltskin:**

Uther looked down adoringly at his new born baby son. It was true that he lost his beloved wife but he had an heir that he desperately wanted and the baby had Igraine's beautiful blue eyes which made him fall in love with him straight away.

A strange disgusting smell filled the room.

"Gaius, it's your turn to look after the baby," Uther said thrusting Arthur into his Court Physician's hands, "I think he needs his nappy changed."

"Then why give him to me? I'm not his nursemaid!" Gaius whined.

"You dress like one," Uther muttered eyeing Gaius' brown robes.

"Prat," Gaius muttered darkly as he left the throne room with the baby.

"I heard that!"

As the door slammed shut there was a loud crack to the right of Uther. He turned abruptly to see an old ally who he thought he would never have to see again. The man was very short, ugly, and wore ragged clothing.

"Hello Uther Pendragon."

He was also very weird and seemed to get off on saying Uther's name. Uther suppressed a shudder, "What do you want?" he asked calmly.

"We made a bargain Uther Pendragon," the man cackled, "quite a few actually; after all did I not kill your father for you?"

"And in return you got my mother's locket," Uther said through gritted teeth. His father had killed his mother right before his eyes when he was only six he was fourteen when he met this odd man and struck the bargain.

"And did I not put you on the throne of Camelot?"

"In return you got my sword," Uther reminded the odd man. It had been his very first given to him by his beloved grandfather.

"And did I not help you win the heart of the lovely Igraine?"

"In the return I'd give you my..."

Oh.

Oh no.

It was years ago and he had honestly thought he would have hoards of children with his wife. They would have five sons and three daughters and live happily ever after. Obviously there would be some trouble, cot deaths and miscarriages were very common and Igraine would never notice if their first born suddenly disappeared if he told her it was struck down with a cold.

"Give me the child you promised Uther Pendragon," the man smirked, "or we could strike up another deal if you want to keep your only child safe?"

Uther gave the man a dark twisted smile. "Sorcerery is banned from Camelot. I hereby arrest you and sentence you to death."

"What?"

"Guards! Take this ridiculous excuse of a magician to the dungeons and make sure he's executed by first light tomorrow!"

"You can't do this to me!"

"Oh I think I can," Uther smirked, "after all I am the King."

"Fuck you!"

**Swan Princess:**

"Did she just...?"

"Yep."

"But-"

"She's not evil!"

"I wasn't going to say she was!"

"Right and I am really a woman. Look she's just cursed to turn into a swan by a real evil sorcerer and she needs our help, if you're not going to help...Arthur what are you looking at?"

"I'm trying to find your breasts."

"...you're an idiot."

**Little Mermaid:**

Merlin gasped in delight as Freya's head bobbed out of the water. Her face was beautiful as he remembered it as it lit up with that lovely shy smile that made her eyes sparkle. He blushed as she rose up slowly from the water to reveal she was wearing only a shelled bra. He then gaped when he realised his beautiful girlfriend was now a mermaid.

"I'm sorry," Freya said timidly, "it's an after effect of living the lake for so long."

"I'm...shocked but its ok, I still love you, and I think you're very pretty, and we can just hold hands!" Merlin blurted out.

"I was hoping for a little more than just hand holding," Freya said rather coyly as she leaned in. Merlin grinned and leaned in to kiss her. They were slowly, slowly, ever so slowly getting closer to kissing one another when-

"Ha!" Arthur said triumphantly as his word went through Freya. "I saved you from another enchantment!"

Merlin didn't know whether to kill Arthur or just cry.

**Peter Pan:**

"I have realised something," the small child whispered to him.

"What have you realised sire?" Alvarr asked.

Inwardly he was fantasying of killing the brat who made lots of demands, cried a lot, had tantrums, and moaned about how unfair Uther is and how he suffered at his hands. As if the rest of the magical community hadn't suffered from Uther's anti-magic laws!

"I have realised that being an adult is terrible and I preserve my cute looks I must never grow up," Mordred said solemnly. "You must help me find a spell that would prevent me growing up."

"Demonic brat," Alvarr muttered as the child skipped off to play with Morgana.

**Goldilocks:**

Hunith gasped in horror. Someone had broken into her little cottage, broken her only chair, ate all of her porridge for the week, and was now sleeping in her only bed. This golden haired man will regret the day he ever upset her!

Merlin whistled cheerfully as he entered the cottage. Arthur had to go chasing after some sort of stag and they ended up near Elador so when Arthur got drugged by some sort of poisoned arrow Merlin thought it was a great opportunity to visit his mother and left Arthur to his own devices while he went to fetch some firewood to surprise his mother with.

He immediately dropped all his firewood when he saw his mother beating the living shit out of Arthur with her broom.

That's it! He's never bringing a friend home again.

**Jack and the Beanstalk:**

Merlin gagged at the sight of his dinner. Beans! Disgusting horrible vile beans! Gaius knew he hated beans and yet he puts them on Merlin's plate!

"I want no complaints," Gaius warned, "it was the only vegetable available since _someone_ had to get themselves thrown in the stocks today."

"It wasn't my fault!" Merlin protested through a mouth full of chicken. Gaius simply raised an eyebrow up in disbelieve. "Hey look a pink sparkly unicorn"

Gaius turned to look behind him and Merlin quickly used it as an opportunity to throw his beans out of the window. By the time Gaius turned back to face Merlin the young man was back in his seat looking up innocently. "There must be some sort of mental infliction," Gaius muttered to himself.

The next morning Gaius woke Merlin up furiously. "Did you throw your beans out of the window last night?"

"Erm..."

"Merlin! How could you? Not only is it a waste but we have a giant beanstalk outside!"

"What?"

"You have to climb up it and kill the giant before it decides to come down."

"WHAT?"

"Go before I decide to tan your hide!"

Merlin grumbled as he got dressed and headed down the stairs, he continued to grumble as he struggled to climb up the beanstalk as Arthur laughed at him, and he moaned and complained when he had not only failed to kill the giant (Arthur did that) but needed to be carried back to the his bedroom like a girl by Arthur.

"I hope you learned your lesson young man," Gaius said sternly, "you must always eat your vegetables."

**Pinocchio:**

"Where have you been?" Arthur demanded as Merlin ran into him.

"Erm...Tavern?" Arthur stared at Merlin with a strange intense look that was becoming really unnerving. He glanced to the side and was surprised to see all the knights staring at him too. "What?"

"I think your nose just grew," Gwaine said in awe.

"I've heard of this curse," Leon said grimly, "The King suffered from it for a month when an old witch cursed him so whenever he lied his nose grew."

Merlin inwardly cursed Morgana and silently sent a curse where she'll grow warts whenever she thinks of harming someone.

"So, truthfully where have you been?" Arthur asked scowling.

"Never mind that!" Elyan bust out. "Think of all the fun we can have just by playing truth with Merlin!"

The Knights and Arthur looked at one another and grinned evilly. Merlin groaned, "Don't you lot have something better to do? Damsels to save, monsters to slay, and quests to go on?"

"No," they all chorused sweetly.

"You're the only damsel we save," Gwaine smirked.

"I'm not a damsel!"

"Merlin, are you a virgin?" Elyan teased.

"NO!"

Merlin was horrified to see his nose grow two inches the others laughed and Arthur looked very satisfied for some reason. _Arrogant prat_! "There's nothing wrong with being pure _Mer_lin," Arthur grinned rather predator like.

Did Merlin's knees just buckle then?

"Merlin do you cross-dress?" Leon asked.

He was actually genuinely curious since Arthur told him about the time Merlin stole a dress after he confessed to wearing one in order to escape Morgana. "No I do not!" Merlin glared.

They all let out a disappointed moan when Merlin's nose didn't grow.

Percival, who was always the good quiet one, had an evil smirk similar to one Morgana wears, "Merlin," he said slowly, "Are you in love with Arthur?"

Merlin snorted. "Yeah right,"

His nose suddenly shot out a whole foot causing him to be overbalanced. Without even thinking about it Arthur caught Merlin before he completely toppled over.

"Your nose says otherwise," Gwaine grinned.

Just then Gwen stumbled upon them. She stared at the laughing knights, Arthur holding onto Merlin as if he was a princess, and Merlin's gigantic nose and came to the only conclusion a sensible girl could come up with.

"Merlin, are you overcompensating for something?"


	12. Merlin is Always Right

**Summary: **fed up with no one listening to him Merlin decides to drive the point home with a lesson.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Merlin/Elyan, and Merlin/Gwaine

"Why are we here and why does Elyan get the bed, and all those blankets, and a hot drink?"

"Stop moaning Gwaine," Merlin chided as he continued to write on a giant black board, "Elyan has been possessed by a tormented spirit who was for some reason soaked to the bone. He's still suffering the after effects and to prevent him from having a cold I'm keeping him warm."

"Oh I bet you are," Gwaine muttered, "all that body heat you have in your tight little body- ouch!"

Arthur shot Gwaine a smug look as Leon high-fived Percival. Elyan grinned to himself rather happy and satisfied with himself that he managed to get his shoe to hit Gwaine in the head. Merlin ignored the immaturity going on behind him as he continued to write on the blackboard.

"So why are we here?" Elyan asked.

"I decided you lot obviously needed this broken down so you can actually get it through your thick skulls," Merlin said coolly as he turned around to face them.

"Did Merlin just call us stupid?" Leon whispered to Arthur.

"Yes but it's obviously the pot calling the kettle black, just ignore him, I usually do," Arthur shrugged.

"And that's exactly the problem!" Merlin shouted. "If you five idiots listened to me then Elyan would have never been possessed in the first place!"

"Well in all fairness I would have never been possessed if someone didn't drink my water," Elyan said shooting a glare at Gwaine who smiled at him innocently. "Or if someone had given me theirs," he added glaring at Leon, Percival, and Merlin.

"What does Troll Bride mean?" Percival asked as he read the very long list on one side of the board.

"Oh that was the time when Uther married a troll and I warned Arthur but he didn't listen, and what happened? I believe the commoners were overtaxed, the castle smelt like dung for weeks on end, Arthur was disinherited and Uther shagged a troll!"

Arthur and Leon grimaced they were still trying to repress that memory and thought. Gwaine burst out into hysterical laughter while Elyan and Percival exchanged horrified amused looks.

"If I recall you did an 'I told you so dance' the moment you could and scared the living shit out of me by hiding under my bed!" Arthur said indignantly.

"Ooh what were you doing under Arthur's bed, eh?" Gwaine teased Merlin. "And _dancing_ as well?"

Merlin suddenly rapped him over the head with a giant ruler. He then bashed it against the blackboard at the long list. "This is when I'm right and you're wrong while this," he bashed the ruler against the blank side, "is when I'm wrong and you're right, have you noticed something?"

"That you're always right?" Percival asked shyly.

"Correct! Well done Percival you get an apple," Merlin praised the tall muscle-bound knight.

"Oh come off it!" Arthur snorted. "We've been right too!"

"Name one time," Merlin shot back.

There was a very long pause.

A very, very, very, very long pause.

It was very silent and very awkward as well.

They all sat there quietly as Arthur struggled to think of a time where he or one of the knights had been correct. Gaius came back, cooked dinner, ate it, and decided to sleep in Merlin's rooms while the six boys sat there in silence, by the time dawn came by Arthur let out a heavy sigh.

"Oh go and muck out the stables you smug idiot!"


	13. Elyan's New Son

**Summary: **losing his sister and being haunted has obviously caused Elyan to lose some marbles and he decides to start his own family.

**Pairings: **implied Elyan/Merlin, Gwaine/Merlin, Arthur/Merlin, Leon/Merlin, Percival/Merlin, and Arthur/Gwen

The knights, Merlin, and Arthur looked at the small boy with a mix of fear, disbelief, and compassion. The boy was deathly pale, soaked to the bone with drops of water dripping down, wore a shirt far too big for him, and was dark haired. He was also a ghost but considering last week they entertained a man who died before their eyes months ago it really didn't surprise them.

"I was thinking of adopting him as my own son," Elyan announced.

"_What?_!"

"How would that work?"

"Do you even know his name?"

"Don't you need a wife to play mother to the boy?"

"You can't adopt something that's _dead_, Elyan, for Christ sake use whatever brain cells you have in there!"

"Yes thank you, Arthur, for reminding me that you killed my son as well as my father and attempted to deflower my sister," Elyan said darkly.

Arthur decided to stay quiet and hung his head in shame while the other knights gave him sympathetic looks and Merlin just gave him a 'he's right' look. Merlin is never sympathetic! Perhaps a day in the stocks will teach him to be sympathetic to his king!

"As for a name I was thinking Thomas after my father," Elyan said proudly as he gave the boy a friendly squeeze on the shoulder.

"Didn't you think to ask him what his name is?" Merlin asked.

The completely sensible notion was ignored by everyone – Arthur was too busy sulking and being ashamed, Elyan was cuddling his ghost son, and the other three knights were still trying to get their head round the whole adoption thing.

"What about the mother?" Percival asked. "You are away on quests all the time if you are going to adopt a child should you not have a wife to mother the child while you are away?"

Elyan shrugged, "Merlin can mother Thomas Lord knows he mothers us all the time."

"I beg your pardon!"

"He does nag a lot," Leon agreed with a smirk, "and does all the house chores."

"I think you find I have no choice but to do your laundry and cooking," Merlin said coldly.

He was ignored.

Again.

As always.

"Wait, Merlin can't be the mother!" Gwaine protested. "He doesn't have the breasts for it!"

"Hang on!" Merlin shouted. "I don't need breasts because it's not like I'll be breast feeding the child! He's what, twelve? Besides he doesn't need a mother because he's a ghost and can't get injured!"

The ghost boy wondered to himself whether or not revenge was worth this insane nonsense while his new adoptive father and his friends were all staring at Merlin.

"What?" Merlin demanded.

They kept staring at him with strange hazy looks Merlin was actually beginning to get worried that the ghost got offended and _possessed_ all of them.

"Is anyone else picturing themselves suckling Merlin's breasts?" Gwaine asked.

"_What the hell is wrong with you?_"


	14. Creepy Uncles Anonymous

**Summary: **Merlin is making wild accusations and Arthur just wants to go to sleep

**Pairings: **implied one-sided Agravaine/Arthur, Gaius/Merlin, Agravaine/Gwen, and Merthur. Mentions of actual Arthur/Gwen.

"Arthur..." Merlin whispered, "Arthur...WAKE UP!"

Arthur shot up as his snore cut to a halting stop. He mumbled inquiries as he wiped the sleep away from his eyes and turned to face Merlin who was sitting beside him on his great big bed.

"_Mer_lin! What on earth are you doing in my bed? Especially at this time of the night?"

"I needed to talk to you," Merlin whispered.

"Can't it wait until morning?" Arthur whined.

"No it can't," Merlin said looking around him. Arthur is suddenly alert thinking that there must be a threat or some sort nearby and Merlin was preparing him for battle. "It's about your uncle."

Arthur groans loudly. "_Mer_lin if this is about how evil and nasty my uncle is then I'm just going to back to sleep while you can just bugger off. I got to be at my best tomorrow when I open the tournament in Guinevere's name."

"It's not about how evil Agravaine is – though he is definitely evil!" Merlin said ignoring Arthur's irritated look of disbelief. "It's about how creepy he is."

"Merlin, he can't help the fact he's an unmarried man in his forties, that's just the way it is," Arthur moaned.

He had this conversation with Guinevere when she tried to explain why she didn't like his uncle and how sleazy she thought he was.

"Arthur listen to me you damn clotpole!"

"How dare you! Show some re-"

"The point is," Merlin interrupted, "Agravaine is obviously sexually abusing you."

"What?"

"You said it yourself yesterday when you announced your intention to propose to Gwen! He obviously doesn't want you to marry Gwen, not just because she's a commoner, suspicious of him, and doesn't submit to his creepy advances but because he doesn't want to share you. And he's been touching you far too much for comfort but don't worry Arthur I know exactly what you're going through and I can help."

"You can?" Arthur said half sceptically and half amused at the idiotic ramblings.

"Yes, you see...Gaius sexually abuses me too."

"_What?_!"

"There is a peep hole in my bedroom door where he watches me undress, he's always touching my thigh especially when we're eating dinner, and I don't even want to think about what happened when I was poisoned."

"Merlin, Gaius wouldn't sexually abuse you, he's far too honourable for that."

"Oh but when your uncle says Gaius is plotting against Camelot you instantly believe _him_?"

"I'm not having this argument with you."

"It's all right Arthur, I know what you are feeling and I'm here to help you open up and be able to have a full loving relationship with Gwen."

"Merlin..."

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Get your hand off my thigh and _GET OUT_!"


	15. Gwen's Angry Revenge!

**Summary: **instead of being the accepting mature person Gwen immediately lashes out in anger when Arthur breaks up with her.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen and a little Merthur

"I beg your pardon?"

Arthur winced at the sheer fury Gwen was emitting. Her beautiful curls were wild and static as if her anger was making them stand on end, her warm brown eyes were glittering with anger, and there was a pink flush in her cheeks. He had never seen her look this angry not even when he stole her bed and made her life hell when he was trying to prove himself to be the best jouster in Camelot.

"I...erm...well...I..."

"Did you just say that I'm inappropriate?"

He couldn't help but shiver at her tone. It was so hard, on edge; bitter, nasty, angry...it was just plain terrifying!

"Me?"

"Erm...well...you see..."

"At least I'm a woman."

"What?"

"I know I'm a commoner but at least I was born in wedlock, an actual citizen in Camelot, and am a sister to a knight."

"I don't understand you..."

"Oh don't be so stupid Arthur Pendragon! We both know there is only two reasons why I'd be inappropriate for you – one you have been listening to your uncle who is so obviously evil and creepy it's unbelievable that you can be so stupid to listen to him-"

"My uncle is not evil!" Arthur snapped indignantly. "Nor am I stupid!"

Gwen gave him a withering look one akin to the look Morgana would give him when he really irritated her or just proven her right in the most frustrating manner. Arthur cringed and took a few steps back and decided to remain quiet for now.

"Or two, you are simply too busy shagging Merlin to play the courting lover to me! Well guess what Arthur Pendragon I am not going to wait for you, I shall find someone who will treat me better and live a long happy life while you'll be stuck in your lonely snobby world making mistake after mistake because you're too blind to see what is right in front of you!"

There was only one thing that Arthur could say to this lengthily and rather terrifying rant, "Why would I be shagging Merlin? He's just my Manservant and not a very good one, nor does he have female body parts."

Gwen snapped.

She'll admit later to Merlin that it was not just sheer anger that drove her to it. She was heartbroken, upset, and now after that arrogant stupid answer indignant on Merlin's behalf.

She punched Arthur Pendragon.

She had punched the king.

She had punched him so hard that he flew back into the wall and was immediately knocked unconscious.

She had punched him so hard that his nose spurted blood and she now has an awful stain on her floor and pale blue dress.

She had punched him so hard that Gaius diagnosed him with a broken nose and he was now complaining to Merlin in a very nasally voice while Merlin was trying his hardest not to laugh.

She had punched him so hard that he has a concussion and can't go out to war so in order to appease the enemy he had to give up half of Camelot.

Gwen smirked none of this would have happened if Arthur ignored his uncle and just continued to court her. That'll teach him about what is inappropriate and what is not.


	16. Female! Merlin

**Summary: **one of my most loyal reviewers (they know who they are) and I discussed the idea of Female! Merlin and we agreed it wouldn't be the same with Merlin as a girl simply because she wouldn't have been allowed to be Arthur's manservant and I decided to explore a possibility along with some crack and a jab at some girl Merlin clichés.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Morgana/Leon, Merlin/Leon, Gwen/Leon, Gwen/Lancelot, Arthur/Vivian, Arthur/Gwen, Arthur/Elena, Merlin/Gwaine, Merlin/Percival/Morgana, Merlin/Morgana, Uther/Gaius, and slightly implied Percival/Elyan.

"This warrants a reward."

Arthur stared at his saviour in shock. She was a very pretty girl with bright blue eyes and a mess of dark tangled curls. Her pale soft skin looked luminous in the bright raggedy red dress she was wearing. He swallowed as the warm recent memory of her body pressed up against his filled his mind.

She was a vicious little brat though. When they first met it took all of his restraint and self control to not hit her for her bitchy mouth as she told him off. It was against the knight's code to hit a lady no matter how poor her background was. The second time they met he couldn't help but ridicule her and push her to her limits with taunts. The third time she saved his life and he was now in her debt.

"Perhaps a dress..." his father murmured eyeing the girl disdainfully. He was obviously wondering if he could get away with giving the peasant girl an old dress of Morgana's.

"Father," Arthur stepped forwards, "if I may make a suggestion?" at his father's nod he leaned forwards completely and whispers in his father's ear the most dishonourable thing he had ever said in his life.

To his complete surprise his father agreed.

"You girl!" he snapped at the fidgeting peasant girl. "In return for saving my only son and heir's life I make you his Concubine. You will have your own chambers, be fed and dressed well, and will no longer need to ask for anything."

"It is a great honour sire, and on my ward's behalf I am grateful," Gaius lied flawlessly as he grabbed hold of Merlin and began to pull her out of the room. "If you do not mind sire, I must spend what little time I have with my ward before she fulfils her new duties."

Arthur flushes as the whole Court leers at him and the peasant girl who is glaring at him darkly.

Thank god for Gaius because Arthur is certain if she had the chance Merlin would have leapt across what little space there was between them and throttled him to death for asking her to be his concubine.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Merlin fidgeted nervously.

She had only been in Camelot for a week and now she has a great destiny in guiding Arthur, had saved Arthur's life, is now Arthur's concubine, and is now standing in the Lady Morgana's rooms as Gwen finishes altering the last of Morgana's dresses for her. To think last week she had been a peasant girl in Elador whose brightest prospect was either to become a midwife or marry Will.

Despite her initial thoughts being the concubine to Prince Arthur of all prats wasn't that bad. He hadn't demanded anything from her other than chores and to be polite to him. Of course she ignored the second order straight away and continued to deflate his ego.

"Why is Sir Leon here?" she asked feeling a little self-conscious of the rugged handsome knight standing in the background.

"I am going to teach you how to defend yourself against Arthur," Morgana said coolly, "Leon here will help me with a demonstration."

Merlin watched with a wide-eyed fascination as Leon charged at the almost princess and said girl immediately knocked the wind out of him before pulling him over her shoulder and throwing him down on the ground.

"Wow..."

"You try," Morgana said smugly.

It took about seven hours before Merlin had perfected by then both her and Leon were covered in bruises as they managed to hit one another several times. Leon left the room limping wondering why on earth he cannot say no to Morgana...perhaps he has a thing for dominant women? He did enjoy it when Gwen bossed him about when they were children and there was something to be said about the little woman Merlin pinning him down and holding a dagger to his throat.

He swallowed a little as he remembered Morgana tying said dagger onto Merlin's thigh with some rich blue silk.

He pities Arthur who has absolutely no chance against these women.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

"You wanted to see me, Father?"

"Ah yes, Arthur, I wanted to speak to you about your concubine."

Arthur sighed heavily and cursed Merlin in his mind. The irritating girl had taken up all duties apart from warming his bed and was so irritatingly clumsy with them everyone heard the echo as she dropped his armour. To top it off she was always opening that mouth of hers and getting him into trouble like that Valiant issue and confessing to witchcraft in order to save Guinevere...

"What has she done this time, Father?"

"Oh it's not her, she is being charming and idiotic as usual, I believe Sir Leon has taken her and Morgana out shopping," Arthur frowned, perhaps he should have a word with Sir Leon about spending too much time with women that were either his or from a higher status than Leon. "No I wanted to speak to you about the lack of sexual intercourse between the two of you."

Arthur spluttered. "_W-what?_"

"Yes. I have heard the rumours you have not bedded the girl you had asked for which I find very odd though rather refreshing it is good to know you have such self-restraint," Arthur could not help but inflate proudly at the compliment, "however you spend an inappropriate amount of time with the girl. You have her doing all the servant duties of a man servant and take her out on patrols, quests, and hunts. Do trust me, Arthur when I tell you the only thing a girl considers a good time out is a romantic ride or a picnic."

"Erm...ok Father..."

"Yes, come to think of it Arthur, the girl does not fulfil any carnal duties but merely servant ones. I see where you are coming from son but I do wish you find the resolution to take a woman to bed in time for consummating your marriage whenever I find a good match for you. In the mean time try not to be obvious in the training fields or take any serving boy to bed we don't need the rumours spreading."

"Yes Father."

"Good, now leave."

It wasn't until Arthur repeated the story to Morgana who laughed in his face that he realised that his father just implied Arthur was a homosexual.

MMMMMMMMMMM

"So why is his royal pratness here to help then? We're not his subjects."

"No...We're not...but I'm his...ah...well good friend."

"Merlin is my concubine and I could not let her do something stupid like getting killed."

"_Arthur!_"

"You're his _what_? Merlin how could you? What about us, I proposed to you! Hunith have you heard what Merlin's actual job is? She's the _prince's concubine_!"

"Yeah shout that a little louder I don't think my ancestors quite heard it. And I never said yes Will! And don't tell Mother!"

"Oh that's wonderful!" Hunith squealed having heard every word, she peers at Arthur's slight pink face and squealed again, "my grandbabies are going to be the most beautiful things in the five kingdoms!"

"_Mother!_"

MMMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur is mildly surprised when he feels Merlin's lips against his. He really shouldn't be because they should have done it months ago when she saved his life and he requested her reward to be a high status within Court. But he had only done that so he could get to know the strange interesting pretty girl and now she is in his good arm kissing him as she straddles him and it feels so good.

He had been only slightly aware of his surroundings when he was unconscious after the Questing Beast bit him but he knew Merlin held his hand, whispered encouraging words, and cried for him during that time.

She had all but confirmed it when he brought up seconds ago.

It is awkward. She had never done it before and he has only one good arm at this moment but they manage and he swears he had never been so aroused or had such a good time before.

His right hand could never compare to Merlin.

The next day Merlin staggers back into Gaius' rooms in rumpled clothing and tangled hair. She knew she wouldn't really be in trouble since Gaius had given her several talks in the first week of becoming a concubine but she still didn't want to confront him in her state.

Her petty worries become silent when she sees her mother ill and she is instantly scared to death that her only parent may die.

"They better be the most beautiful grandbabies," her mother croaked.

Suddenly Merlin was more irritated than scared...

The Great Dragon says the same bloody thing to her whenever she visits and she's not even related to him like that!

MMMMMMMMMM

Gwen scowls as she sneaks into Gaius' chambers and climbs into Merlin's cold bed. She had to spend two days on the hard stone floor while his royal pratness snored loudly in her own bed. When she confronted the git about it along with listing all his other faults and flaws instead of apologising to her and trying to make it up to her like any decent person would he went to apologise to Merlin (who had been on a verge of a breakdown before this because of Gaius) and then proceeded to make her an extremely happy woman in Gwen's bed.

There are only so many times you can listen to your bed thumping against the wall as Merlin screams and Arthur groans before you snap.

Gwen has her own petty revenge by getting off on thoughts of Lancelot in Merlin's bed. If Merlin complains about dirty bed sheets she has only herself to blame.

Gwen falls asleep with a blissful smile on her face as she dreams about the dark handsome knight sweeping her off her feet.

MMMMMMMMMMM

When Merlin pulls away she feels a smug satisfaction at the dazed look on his face. "What...what just happened?" he asks.

"You're about to die at Olaf's hand if you don't do something very smart in the next minute, and yes I know that's a lot to ask for a clot pole like yourself."

"Hey!"

Distorted memories hit Arthur within seconds and his righteous indignation disappears with a grimace. "Merlin...I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be, I understand," Merlin said sending him a sweet smile that she knew would melt his insides (he confessed it in one of those mushy moments after sex and she's been using it against him ever since), "just go out there and sort this mess out."

The moment he is gone her sweet smile melts into a wicked grin...so...she was Arthur's true love, eh?

While she totally returned the sentiment all she could really think of was how to turn this to her advantage like the next time he asks her to wash his socks she could remind him that she's his true love...hmm...

Meanwhile Arthur touches his face and winces as the distorted memory of declaring his love for Vivian resulted into Merlin giving him a black eye followed seconds later a thorough beating from Morgana, Gwen, and Sir Leon.

Damn if he breaks her heart he's screwed.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"What are you going to do when I marry Princess Elena?"

Arthur was desperately hoping for a jealousy bitchy rage – he had been feeling jealous more and more recently as Merlin spends too much time with Leon for his comfort, has a special smile for those rare moments they see Lancelot, and is always cuddling and showing affection to Gwaine when they bump into him in the Tavern.

It was too much for him and apart from a slight jab at Sophia and a punch over Vivian she hadn't shown any jealousy in return.

He tried flirting with Gwen to spite Merlin and all that happened was Gwen laughed loudly in his face and Morgana spent the dinner scowling at him.

Not fun at all.

Merlin looked up and sighed, "I'll obviously warm your bed less than I usually do, and then I'll probably become Princess Elena's lady in waiting and spend less time with you. But other than that I won't do much for the time being."

Both Uther and Gaius had given her a talk over this sounding strangely like a pair of parents with Uther being the cold relentless ambitious Father and Gaius the soft-hearted caring mother. She suppresses a shudder at an image that the thought had conjured up.

"You won't be jealous?"

She grins, is that all Arthur cares about? "Oh I will be but Elena is really nice and I can't hate her. I'll probably stop being your concubine at some point and end up marrying Gwaine," she told him.

That resulted in some very hot angry sex and later she rewarded him with very hot celebratory sex when he breaks the engagement with Elena.

She smirks a very Morgana-like smirk against Arthur's chest but taking his nipple into her mouth.

Arthur had no idea what he's dealing with when it comes to battling against a woman they use every subtle weapon they can get hold off and almost manipulate men into their bidding.

She says almost because she's not Morgana and only Morgana can control men completely.

The bitch.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur, Gwaine, Lancelot, Leon, Elyan and Percival all stared at the sight with a little bit of horror but mostly with sheer arousal.

There standing in the magical mud that just appeared (Gwaine requested it and for some strange reason Morgana obliged him (Lancelot knew it was Merlin but didn't say anything)) with their dresses mostly torn off and hair in tangles as they continue to wrestle one another while calling each other the most dreadful names that one could imagine.

Lancelot was loyal to his beloved beautiful Gwen but he couldn't help but swallow at the sight of Morgana's breasts being smashed up against Merlin's back as she jumps on the poorer girl's back.

Percival who had never really felt lust before had already exploded from the powerful intense emotion and stood in a corner out of shame. His mother would have killed him for this.

Leon felt like he died and gone to heaven so did Gwaine and they were both still at it while shouting encouragements. Leon felt compelled to take Morgana's side (because it turned out he loved her but he would always remain loyal to Arthur so they broke up) and Gwaine was devoted to Merlin.

Elyan would have said or done something but he remembered Gwen getting hurt by Morgana and Merlin being Gwen's best friend and suddenly all he could think about is his sister and he just couldn't enjoy anything lustful at all.

So he joined Percival in the corner and got to know the quiet shy big knight a lot better than usual.

Arthur was in agony he didn't want his beloved to get hurt but at the same time he didn't want it to end as it was so arousing and then again he didn't want to see it because it was his sister being wrestled to the ground by Morgana.

"This is the best cat fight ever!" Gwaine shouted.

Arthur decided just to be happy that his father and Gaius couldn't see this.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

It works out in the end.

Uther dies, Merlin falls pregnant (it took three years of shagging but then again they had been too busy saving Camelot to be shagging that often), Arthur makes an honest woman out of her (ignoring his uncle, Merlin resisting the strange spell that made her attracted to her bed more than normal, and Lancelot solving everything with Gaius before patting Gwen's equally pregnant stomach (yeah Merlin saved him by sacrificing a stray rabbit, who knew it took an animal sacrifice?)), they have a lovely little girl called Anna, and everything is going great.

Then baby Anna uses magic to levitate her favourite toy that Gwaine had given her (and Arthur had thrown to the other side of the room) and summon it to her side.

Arthur is horrified.

Merlin reacts on pure motherly instinct as she grabs him by the ghoulies and threatens him all sorts.

So later that day Arthur addresses the kingdom while Merlin beams prettily at the crowds and cuddles her baby.

"I hereby declare that the ban on magic is lifted as my beloved beautiful intelligent wife told me to do," Arthur intones looking very solemn and serious.

Some cheer, some are confused, and most just laugh at how obviously whipped Arthur is.

"Oh no, Anna had just done a number two in her nappy, will you change her Arthur?" Merlin asks as she flutters her eyelashes at him.

"Yes dear," Arthur murmurs.

Yeah totally whipped. Arthur sighs loudly as he follows his wife inside the castle to do as he was told. It would have been so much easier if Merlin had been born a man.


	17. Party Time!

**Summary: **Uther is now dead but instead of mourning him like they should Camelot throws a party to celebrate.

**Pairings: **implied Bromance between Uther/Gaius and Arthur/Merlin.

Arthur felt his world shattering around him, it was similar to the day he discovered Morgana was his evil half sister, as if he was drowning in a world of darkness and loss. He stood before his people who looked equally grim as if they knew what he was about to say. He swallows and coughs loudly before speaking up.

"It is my...unfortunate duty to inform you that his royal majesty King Uther died last night peacefully in his sleep."

There was a moment of silence as Arthur took a long moment to gather his thoughts and try to remember the speech he had written this morning. He inwardly grimaced as all he could think of was his father thrashing about in his bed in sheer agony as the evil magician cast his evil death spell on him...

"CELEBRATION GOOD TIMES, C'MON!"

Arthur's eyes flew open as he left his grieve behind to glare at Gwaine who suddenly burst out into song.

To his horror the entire kingdom began to join in. Women kicked their shoes off, let their hair down and held their dresses up as they danced wildly for men, men who had been drinking and were making awful jokes about Uther, and then there were children skipping and dancing while singing cheerfully.

"_Ding, dong, the king is dead, which old king? The wicked king, ding dong the king is dead!"_

Gwaine was shamelessly passing out drinks to everyone while drinking tankard after tankard himself. Elyan was dancing with about three different girls, Percival was surrounded by women flirting with him, Leon was laughing with the other knights, and Merlin...well god knows where Merlin was.

"EXCUSE ME!" Arthur screeched at them causing the music to cut off and everyone to fall silent. "MY FATHER JUST DIED! AND YOU'RE THROWING A _PARTY_?"

They didn't even looked ashamed or guilty just a little sheepish as they all peered up at him. "Begging your pardon, your majesty," Geoffrey said, "but quite frankly your father was an awful man."

"He was a great king!" Arthur protested.

"He killed my sister because some jealous bint told him she must have used magic to win her betrothed's heart," a young man said bitterly. "Yeah great king," he added sarcastically.

"He killed my last three children through starvation with those ridiculous taxes," an older woman shouted.

"He ignored my claims when a knight raped my little girl."

"He killed my husband because someone said he might have used magic."

"Do we have to remind you of the Troll incident?"

"The only person more of a Tyrant than Uther Pendragon is his daughter the Lady Morgana!"

Arthur grimaced. His father had not been the best judge in life, the moment someone mentions magic he won't listen anymore, the moment someone makes an accusation against a nobleman but was a commoner, the commoner was more likely to be in the stocks, and the moment things got too bad the commons were the ones who suffered not the rich. He heard what happened when Morgana had been Queen from Leon and it had not been pretty, it was dark, murders happened daily, and it had been terrifying for the people.

But they did not support Uther to go back on the throne. They had been rallying for Arthur Pendragon to take the throne instead and as flattering as it was it didn't change the fact that the throne still belonged to Uther and Arthur could never have taken it while he was alive.

So yeah Arthur understood the people's feelings but that doesn't mean to say they could callously throw a party in order to celebrate his father's death.

They could at least wait until he was out of the room.

The music got turned back on and everyone continued dancing, laughing, talking, and cheering while he stood there with an urge to cry. To his shock and horror he saw Gaius dancing on a table with his robes held up above his ankles.

"Gaius!" he gasped. "Not you too! I thought you were my father's secret bromantic best friend like Merlin is to me!"

Gaius paused in his dancing and raised up his eyebrow. "Arthur Pendragon what on earth did you hit your head on this time? I hated your father."

"But you were so loyal to him."

"As anyone would be loyal to the rightful king who could have your head cut off in seconds," Gaius said coolly. "I was friends with Uther up until he decided to believe that despicable witch finder over me. Then I began to resent him and as he continued to ignore my advice and reveal what a bastard he is my resentment turned into hatred. Do yourself a favour Arthur, always listen to Merlin."

"CONGA LINE!"

Arthur turned round to see the whole citadel in a conga line as they sang _Uther is on his way out! _Over and over again to some upbeat music being played by musicians following them. They disappeared from his view and Arthur decided it was best if he went to his bedroom and cried like the little lost boy he was feeling like.

He managed five minutes of crying when his bedroom door burst open and Merlin was leading a very long conga line into it.

"Uther is on his way out!" Merlin and hundreds more sang cheerfully, "Uther is on his way out! Uther is on his way out!"

"C'mon everybody lets raid the kitchen for some grub and more drink!" Gwaine shouted.

Everyone cheered as Merlin began to lead them out of the bedchamber. "_Mer_lin!" Arthur cried out. "How could you?"

Merlin looked at him. "Just remember how many times someone I knew and loved got hurt by that bastard along with the amount of times he threw me in the stocks with no other reason than it amuses him. Potatoes _hurt _Arthur!"

"Get out!" Arthur roared throwing his boot at Merlin.

The moment they all left Arthur tried to curl up and mourn his beloved father.

But the conga line song was just too catchy and he ended up humming it instead of crying.

It's all Merlin's fault of course.


	18. Why Uther Shouldn't tellBedtime Stories

**Summary: **Gaius forces Uther to tell six year old Arthur a bedtime story however Uther doesn't know how to and ends up mentally scarring Arthur for the rest of his life. Some Monty Python references.

**Pairings: **Uther/Gaius (bromantic or romantic, your choice) and some Merthur.

"Why am I doing this again?"

Gaius sighed and rolled his eyes at the stupidity of his best friend. How did Uther became king again? Oh yes, with his strength and Gaius' brains, if Gaius died the very next day Uther wouldn't last a week on the throne. He glanced into the bed chamber where a little boy is swamped by the king size bed he had since birth practically. The child looked eager and excited instead of sleepy and worn out like he should be.

Then again it's not like the child got to see his father regularly.

"Arthur is in need of some affection from his father and while it does not seem kingly to hug your son in public no one needs to know if you're tucking him into bed and telling him a bed time story."

Uther gritted his teeth. "Surely six years old is far too old for a bed time story," he hissed.

"I had a bed time story up until I was ten years old," Gaius said coldly, "and I turned out just fine."

"Yeah well you're a pansy."

"And you're thicker than stone but that doesn't change the fact your son is waiting for you."

"Careful Gaius I could have you arrested for that," Uther said with a smirk.

Gaius barely batted an eyelid at that. Uther has been threatening him with the stocks, execution, the dungeons, and once even with the title of Village Idiot since he had become king but he never went through with it. He tried once and was bored within two hours and demanded Gaius to come back.

"How would you cope without me to make your medicines, identify magical threats, treat the ill during Plague season, give you advice, and teach, care for, and basically parenting your only child for you?"

"_Parenting? _Don't you mean _mothering_?" Uther asked eyeing Gaius' brand new red robes in honour for the 25th anniversary Uther had become king.

Gaius is seriously regretting his fashion choice now but decided to continue wearing them because they make him look wise.

"Just go in there!" Gaius shouted.

"Fine!" Uther huffed as he stormed into his child's bedroom. "But you're giving him the sex talk!"

"Oh hell no!"

But Uther had already left Gaius in the corridor and Gaius knew if he didn't give Arthur the sex talk then no one will...hmmm...perhaps if he waits till Arthur is twenty five there will be no need for it?

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"...And then the beast savagely bit into Sir Leo's throat, it's tiny pointed teeth tearing into human flesh and crimson blood soaks the body as the beast continues to pull out Sir Leo's vocal chords. My men, the Knights of Camelot and Gaius, were so terrified that they stood frozen in their places but I, the valiant brave King of Camelot, swooped in with my mighty sword and hacked the fearsome beast's head off! The end."

Arthur stared horrified at his father. He had been clutching desperately to Mr Snuggles, his stuffed toy that apparently his mother had made for him, to his chest throughout the whole tale but the moment his father had finished it he had thrown Mr Snuggles across the room and clutched onto his duvet as he stared at his father. His blue eyes wide and petrified, his mouth open wide enough for Uther's fist to fit in there and his face pale as the living dead.

"Did you not enjoy your bedtime story, Arthur?" Uther asked disappointedly as his cheerful slightly fake smile faded. "It was the most children friendly one I could think of..." there was long silent pause. "Arthur?"

"!"

The deadly high pitched scream almost deafened Uther as Gaius suddenly ran into the room. "What did you do?" he shouted at Uther as Arthur began to cry.

"I told him a story!"

"Uther the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk or Cinderella or Snow White would not send him into a flood of tears and screams of terror!"

"I...may have told him about Sir Leo's death...besides it's not like I can tell Arthur those stories you suggested they're filled with magic and magic is forbidden." Uther added in a rush.

But Gaius wasn't falling into the temptation of discussing magic and how harmless it was in a story he was too angry right now.

"That's it! Get out! No more storytelling for you! You can give him the sex talk!"

Before Uther can protest he was herded out of the bedroom and the door was slammed into his face.

_Well fine then_, Uther huffed to himself, _see how you like it when I take away your kitchen privileges and you have to cook for yourself!_

Arthur himself had never been able to look at Mr Snuggles again after that incident and had Gaius burn it (even though Gaius repeatedly assured him that Mr Snuggles was never going to eat him but of course the pampered prince wanted to be certain...Uther is never to tell the child a bedtime story ever again), he had then informed Morgana when she arrived the horrors of Uther's storytelling and she refused to have any night time contact with the man preferring Gaius' stories about princesses instead, and later he shall never be able to fully forgive his father for this incident.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

**Eighteen Years Later...**

They were hunting.

Again.

Merlin yawned and wondered if they would notice he snuck off to take a nap. They probably would. It was highly unfair that when he's off saving Camelot or Arthur no one notices him but the moment he's trying to sneak some food or have a little sleep the world is looking at him.

Evil stupid bastards.

There is a rustling sound and Arthur shushes them, Gwaine had been really loud mere seconds ago as he was telling a lewd joke.

The rustling continues and suddenly an animal leaps out from the bushes.

Prepared to see the knights brutally murder the poor creature Merlin was highly surprised when Arthur drops his spear and throws himself into Merlin's arms (Merlin's knees buckle and he falls onto them) and clings tightly round Merlin's neck (it feels like he's being strangled!) and then suddenly begins to scream loudly.

"What the hell?" Gwaine shouted.

"Is it some sort of enchantment?" Leon asked loudly.

"I don't know! I can't hear myself think!" Elyan shouted.

"You can think?" Percival teased though it comes out strained as he was trying to cope with the sudden pain in his ears.

"Can someone shut him up?" Leon snapped.

Before Merlin could even blink Gwaine moves swiftly and knocks Arthur out with the handle of his sword.

"I said shut him up not knock him out!"

"Hey! It worked!"

"Let's just get him to Gaius." Merlin suggested weakly as Arthur's dead weight began to smother him to death. "Gaius might know what's wrong."

So after an hour of strapping Arthur to a horse, complaining about never being able to hear again (Merlin complained about never being able to move again), making jokes about Arthur's strange new phobia, and throwing theories around they finally made it to Gaius' rooms.

"Could you tell me what happened?"

"Well...this..._creature_...Came out and Arthur suddenly had a huge panic attack," Merlin said diplomatically.

The knights now assured Arthur was safe and sound had fallen into the temptation of laughing hysterically Merlin didn't blame them he really wanted to laugh.

"This creature," Gaius said solemnly, "it wasn't a white fluffy bunny with red eyes was it?"

"Yes! How did you know?"

"I knew I shouldn't have pushed Uther into telling Arthur a bed time story."


	19. Drunks and STDS

**Summary: **the Knights, Merlin and Arthur all get drunk when Merlin tells them about Freya of course Gwaine gets the wrong end of the stick.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Percival/Lancelot/Gwen, Arthur/Gwen, Gwaine/Gwen, and Arthur/Freya. Mentions of Arthur/Elena, Arthur/Vivien, Arthur/Sophia, Merlin/Freya, Leon/Crossbow, Elyan/Others, and Gwaine/imaginary others. Oh and some more Merthur somewhere in there.

Arthur grimaced as his men finally stopped singing.

They had won a battle against some sort of magical beast that only Gaius and Merlin could pronounce its name and in celebration had gone out for a night of drinking. The four over-joyful knights had been loud, very loud, and singing dreadfully. Merlin had been dancing after his second drink, sleeping after his third, and now slowly working through his fourth drink while mumbling against the table.

"To the GREATEST knights of CAMELOT!" Gwaine shouted.

"HURRAH!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF CAMELOT!"

"FOR LANCELOT!"

The last toast sobered the knights up slightly as they bowed their heads in a moment of silence for their long lost friend. Arthur frowned to himself and wondered when he had last thought of his gentle friend, it had been so long ago that he died for Camelot and during that time Arthur lost his Father, started a war, fought magical beasts and sorcerers on a weekly basis, and somehow started a problem where his trousers won't stay on when he's around Merlin...

"You are all so beautiful," Percival slurred, the other began to snicker this is a regular occurrence when they had been drinking, "Leon is beautiful, Elyan is beautiful, Gwaine is beautiful, Arthur is beautiful, and Merlin is beautiful. And do you know what else is beautiful?"

"What is beautiful Percy?" Gwaine grinned.

"Lancelot was beautiful," Percival began to sniffle, "so very beautiful, and do you know what is beautiful about Lancelot?" they all shook their heads playing along though they really had no idea where this was heading. "His penis, Lancelot had a very beautiful penis..."

There was a very awkward silent moment.

"Girls!" Elyan shouted suddenly.

"Yes, girls, beautiful girls with big boobies," Gwaine agreed nodding his head, "Like your sister."

He ducked quickly to avoid both Elyan and Arthur tying to punch him. They ended up punching each other causing Leon to laugh. With hurried apologies they settled down and began to retell stories about their previous loves – which meant they had to remind Leon a crossbow is not a girl and no Gwen kissing him on the cheek does not count either, reassure Percival that being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed off, tell Gwaine to shut the hell up after he reaches fictional shag number 345, grin at Elyan's far more realistic tales ("Hey why do you believe him over me?" "Because Elyan has only shagged five girls and they've all been disasters, according to you you're a sex god and get into epic adventures in between giving big-boob blonde number 37 multiple orgasms" "It's true!"), laugh at Arthur's failures with Sophia, Vivian, and Elena, and then tease an unconscious Merlin about his lack of a sex life.

Yes they did this every time they went out drinking.

_Every time. _

Only tonight was different.

Merlin lifted his head up and glared at them, "I had a girlfriend once," he said coldly.

"Once," Arthur snorted.

"Yeah right," Leon joined in.

"Come off it Merlin we all know the closest you had to a girlfriend is Gwen," Gwaine added.

"Well Gwen did snog me once but that never meant we were anything more than friends," Merlin said as he gulped his fourth drink.

"What?"

Merlin ignored the gawking idiots in favour of finishing his fourth drink and ordering a fifth one while flirting with the pretty barmaid.

"Her name was Freya actually. She was a very pretty girl with long black hair and beautiful blue eyes, and a very nice smile," Merlin said dreamily as he pictured Freya. "We only ever kissed but I was going to elope with her and leave Arthur to clean his own socks."

"Are you sure Freya isn't just your drag queen name?" Gwaine asked.

"You were going to do _what_?" Arthur shouted. "You can't leave _me_! You're my everything! Who'll polish my armour, clean my bedchambers, be really loud and annoying, warm my bed up for me, deliver my food?"

"Ooh, Merlin is your _everything _is he?"

Merlin glowered at the pair of them. "Freya was perfection until someone killed her!"

"What happened?" Percival asked sobering up a little.

"Arthur stuck his sword in her and she died," Merlin wailed miserably.

Arthur was suddenly subjected to many glares as everyone moved to comfort Merlin. As Elyan and Leon threw some insults at Arthur over Merlin's incredibly loud sobbing no one noticed the mischievous glint in Gwaine's eye as he heard something quite different...

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Cold icy water woke Arthur up with a start. He looked up to see a furious Guinevere in his bedroom causing him to quickly pull his duvet up to cover himself.

"Guinevere! I'm naked!" he protested.

"I hardly see how that matters," Gwen said coolly, "as I shall never become your lover."

"What? Why? And I thought we were going to get married one day?"

"I can't marry a man who has a sexual transmitted disease!" Gwen shouted. "Nor could I marry one who is willing to have sex with his best friend's girlfriend!"

"What?"

"Gwaine told me everything! You had sex with Freya and she died of the sexually transmitted disease you gave her!"

"_What?_"

"Oh grow a new vocabulary; I'm going to find someone else to spend the rest of my life with, someone who won't have a sexually transmitted disease!" Gwen stormed off towards the bedroom door, just as she was about to leave she turned to him. "Or think me inappropriate!"

The door slammed shut and hung-over Arthur flinched.

He was going to kill Gwaine.

But first he was going to sleep this hangover off, and then he'll have his breakfast served by the grumpy equally hung-over Merlin, and then he'll tell Merlin exactly why Merlin cannot elope with random pretty girls with blue eyes and dark hair.

And then of course he'll show Merlin why.

And then he'll make a royal decree banning all knights from drinking mead, ale, or beer torturing Gwaine.

And then he'll make another one banning Merlin from drinking anything other than water.

And then he supposes he really should fix things with Gwen...or let her marry Percival as they bemoan the loss of Lancelot's beautiful penis.

Hang on, why did he just think that?


	20. The Birds and the Bees

**Summary: **Gaius is tasked with teaching the Knights, Arthur, and Merlin about sex...well apart from Gwaine who already knows all about it. Oh and Gaius had a huge habit of giving out too much information.

**Pairings: **mentions of Merthur, Arthur/Guinevere, Lancelot/Guinevere, Gaius/Uther, Gwaine/most of the female population, and Gaius/OCs

There is always something about the way Gaius looks at them that makes them feel like school boys. Arthur sat there feeling rather ashamed no he has no idea why while musing over the strange expression of Gaius' eyebrows.

"Erm...why are we here?" Lancelot asked nervously.

Gaius sighed heavily. "It is my unfortunate duty to ensure all of you have this knowledge. I know for certain that Merlin and Arthur do not know, Uther refused to do it and Hunith felt Merlin was far too young."

Merlin flushed as Gwaine and the others teased and jeered at him. "K-know what Gaius?" Merlin asked trying to act like he wasn't affected by the taunts of him being a Mama's Boy.

"Sex," Gaius coughed.

"What?" Arthur, Merlin, Elyan, Percival, Leon, and Lancelot chorused.

Gwaine burst out laughing and wouldn't stop no matter what sort of expressive eyebrow Gaius sent him.

"By your naive question and Gwaine's innuendo laced laughter I assume you six boys have no idea what I wish to discuss with you while Gwaine knows full too well," Gwaine just kept laughing while the others continued to gaze at Gaius in confusion. Gaius sighed heavily; he really had hoped he'd never have to do this. Damn Uther. "Gwaine you may leave the others must stay."

Gwaine cheered and immediately left to go to the Tavern and drink himself into a coma while the others suffer learning the joys of the flesh from _Gaius _of all people.

"Now then," Gaius said once the annoying one had left, "when a man loves a woman-"

"Hang on is this about kissing?" Merlin interrupted.

"Something like that. Now shut up so I can finish my sentence, when a man loves a woman they commit an act with their bodies. An act that merges them into one through their private parts-"

"Is that hygienic?" Lancelot asked with a grimace.

"Forget that, how does it fit in?" Elyan asked with a morbid fascination. He didn't quite want to know but at the same time wanted to know his sister would be all right.

"What if the woman didn't love the man back?" Arthur asked.

"Well if the man continued without the woman's permission it would be considered rape and the man would be hanged if it is a noble woman," Gaius explained patiently, "No Lancelot it is not exactly clean but if private parts are washed regularly and you don't have millions of sexual partners like Gwaine does then nothing will happen. And Elyan I am just about to touch on that subject," Gaius pulled out a large colourful diagram he and Geoffrey had painted together when they had given Morgana the sex talk twelve years ago. The boys all grimaced and shouted 'Ew' childishly. "As you can see the penis fits into the vagina like so and..."

About fifteen minutes later Gaius explained the basics of sexual intercourse. He was further interrupted by the boys cheerfully discussing how many different animals they had seen doing it before this talk and how they had no idea what it was.

He coughed and drew their attention back to him. "Now then while I fully encourage you boys to have a healthy sexual relationship with your future wives or lovers I must ensure you know everything about sex. This position is called the spoon position..."

Another hour and the boys had gone deathly silent as Gaius went on to explain every position in detail including his own experience with that position. Merlin had lost his lunch at this point and Arthur was also looking rather green himself. Leon, Lancelot and Percival remained silent but Elyan being the curious child he had always been couldn't help but ask another question.

"What if a man loves a man like Arthur loves Merlin?"

"I do not love _Mer_lin! I am very much in love with Guinevere!"

"The Lady does protest too much," Elyan teased.

"If you're looking for a girl look at Merlin not me," Arthur retorted.

"I'm not in love with anyone," Merlin mumbled feeling his cheeks burn, "nor am I a girl!"

"Preventing an argument," Gaius said loudly, "I shall explain the machinations of same sex sexual activities. After all I, myself, have experienced them with Uther back when we were young and there were no women back in the camps, in fact I think Geoffrey had painted a picture of us during the act."

The rest of the men joined Merlin in the act of losing their lunches and quickly ran out of the room the moment Gaius' back was turned. They instantly headed towards the Tavern with the plan of getting so drunk that they would forget every horror that just happened an hour ago. Failing that they would just never speak to Gaius or one another ever again.

"I swear to god," Arthur said violently, "that I shall never have sex. Not with Guinevere, not with Merlin, not with anyone. The image of my father doing it is enough to put me off for the rest of my life."

"Here, here!" the others cheered.

Gaius sighed wondering if he had given far too much information but if he had wanted the boys to be prepared then he must arm them with as much knowledge as they can know. Sex was the most dangerous thing in human nature it gets so complicated and messy...besides he didn't want any of them getting syphilis like he and Uther did during the war.

Guinevere felt a little shiver of horror run down her spine as she felt a sudden dread. For some reason she had an awful feeling that she will never lose her virginity. Ever. No matter what Arthur said about marrying her and Lancelot said about loving her.

Gwaine, however, was very cheerful, got heavily drunk, and ended up in bed with two sisters who were both equally beautiful.

Twenty years later he would be the only one with an heir while all his friends remain celibate (well ok Arthur occasionally forgets and sleeps with Merlin but they never had intercourse and it's very rare because the memory of the sex talk haunts them all!). Actually come to think of it most of Camelot's people seem to have doe brown eyes and rugged gorgeous dark locks...hmm...maybe Gwaine had a bit too much fun...


	21. Guy Love

**Summary: **Arthur and Merlin are spending a quiet day together when they suddenly burst into song.

**Pairings: **MERTHUR! With some implied Merlin/Gwaine and Merlin/Lancelot.

It was a quiet warm afternoon in the summer. Arthur had dragged Merlin out for some hunting much to the servant's irritation and spent the whole morning shooting down rabbits with an unnatural glee before resting. The fire Merlin had made to cook the rabbit for lunch was still burning and the pair of them were lying beside it humming quietly to themselves enjoying the moment before duty and work called them back to Camelot.

Merlin opened his eyes to see the bright blue sky that was a few shades brighter than Arthur's eyes he frowned for a moment when he heard some music. It was rather nice music but not the best that he heard being played at Uther's banquets. He hummed along for a moment before he began to sing.

"Let's face the facts about me and you, a love unspecified. Though I'm proud to call you 'Chocolate Bear,'" he paused for a moment and frowned. "Hang one that doesn't sound right. You're nowhere near being chocolately. That sounds like a description more suited to Lancelot or Gwaine."

Arthur barely lifted his head up and raised an eyebrow at Merlin. "One, I have no idea what the hell you're on about, two stop singing it's dreadful, and three you're forbidden to mention Gwaine or Lancelot when we're alone."

Merlin was, of course, ignoring him. "I think I'll call you my Honey Bear."

"_Honey Bear_?"

Merlin continued to sing, "The crowd will always talk and stare."

For some unexplained reason Arthur suddenly opened his mouth and began to sing as well. "I feel exactly those feelings, too and that's why I keep them inside.'Cause this bear can't bear the world's disdain, and sometimes it's easier to hide, than explain our-"

Merlin began to sing along with Arthur.

"Guy love, that's all it is, Guy love, He's mine, I'm his, there's nothing gay about it in our eyes."

"You ask me 'bout this thing we share," Arthur warbled.

"And he tenderly replies," Merlin added.

"It's guy love," Arthur sang by himself before Merlin joined in for the next line. "Between two guys."

"We're closer than the average man and wife."

"That's why our matching bracelets say Arthur and Merlin."

"You know I'll stick by you, for the rest of my life."

"You're the only man who's ever been inside of me." Merlin sang hitting a high pitched noise.

"Whoa, you promised not to say anything about it." Arthur sang hurriedly looking over his shoulder.

"There's no need to be ashamed," Merlin sang sadly glancing at Arthur with sad puppy dog eyes.

"Oh no," Arthur groaned forgetting to sing...he must resist...he must resist...he must resist...screw it he can't resist Merlin's adorableness!

"Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I married my best friend," Merlin continued to sing still gazing longingly in Arthur's eyes.

"But in a totally manly way," Arthur added hurriedly just before another chorus of some sorts started.

"Let's go! Its guy love, don't compromise, the feeling of some other guy, holding up your heart, into the sky."

"I'll be there to care through all the lows," Merlin added as he put a hand to Arthur's heart.

Arthur clasped Merlin's hand and sang back, "I'll be there to share the highs."

"It's guy love, between two guys." They sang together. "Its guy love Between Two Guys."

There was a moment of awkward silence when the song finished. Arthur looked down at Merlin's hand for a second before suddenly flinging it away as if it was a dirty sock. Merlin tried desperately to hide his hurt feelings but calling Arthur all sorts of names under the sun and moon.

"What the hell just happened?" Arthur asked.

"I don't know," Merlin said nervously.

Behind the bushes Morgana was rolling on the ground in hysterical laughter. This had to be one of the best spells she had ever done. She couldn't wait until she saw Arthur again; she'll call him Honey Bear right there and then in front of all his knights and Guinevere. Oh such ammunition, if only she still lived in the castle as the beloved ward she'd be able to torture Arthur for months over this.


	22. WE ARE FAMILY!

**Summary: **Aithusa adopts everyone has his family causing a lot of trouble.

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur and Arwen

**Author's Note: **it is not Gwen bashing, I love Gwen she's sweet, but you must understand children always see the woman kissing Daddy that's not Mummy as a home wrecker.

Arthur stared at the creature in horror. It couldn't be...Merlin said it was dead...there couldn't be another...could there? The creature blinked up at him with its big blue eyes and smiled a toothy innocent smile causing Arthur to shudder. It was probably up to his knee in length and was a chubby little thing, probably baby fat when Arthur thought about it. It was pure white, as white as a unicorn though he didn't wish to blemish the only innocent magical creature with this evil, this creature may not be pure evil but it would grow into one eventually.

The door slams open and Merlin rushes in looking panicked, he takes one look at the dragon and lets out a little strangled scream.

The creature only laughs in childish delight...or maybe it's evil glee?

"Arthur I can explain," Merlin said.

"Really?" Arthur said sceptically.

The creature flaps its tiny wings and flies over to Merlin. "Mama!" it cries before hugging Merlin's knee.

"I can really, really, _really_, explain!"

"There's no need Merlin," Arthur said calmly, "it is very obvious what is happening here. I took a severe knock to the head and now having a very vivid hallucination like I usually do when I'm unconscious. I must admit most hallucinations I have are all about you having magic and being a Dragon Lord, I once dreamt you saved me from being drowned by a potential wife."

Arthur laughed at the stupidity of it all.

"Arthur?"

"Yes, Merlin?"

"You're an idiot."

"Oh shut up, _Merl_in."

"Papa!" the creature shouted before flying over to hug Arthur's legs. "Aithusa loves Papa!"

Arthur did the only thing a man ever does when he discovers he fathered a white dragon with another man...

He fainted.

But it was a very manly faint no matter what Merlin says!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Eventually he will admit Aithusa won him over. The baby dragon was charming, adorable, and most definitely had Merlin's eyes. Aithusa followed them everywhere, on quests where he would endearingly try to fry the bad guy with his tiny little ball of fire that he huffs out, to meetings where he glares at Agravaine (nothing Arthur says or does gets the baby dragon to accept the older man, last week Arthur caught Aithusa chewing up Agravaine robes – he suspects this is all Merlin's doing, it's always Merlin's fault), to the bed chamber where he curls up into a little ball on the end of Arthur's bed for a nap while Arthur does some paperwork, and the Knight's training where he's the centre of attention where Uncle Leon, Uncle Gwaine, Uncle Percival, and Uncle Elyan are concerned.

Merlin has taken to mothering like a duck to the water. Arthur and the others watch in amusement as Merlin tucks the baby dragon to bed and tells him a bedtime story, knits winter clothing for the baby dragon (no one has the heart to point out that Aithusa can keep himself warm as Merlin makes little booties), tends to any injuries Aithusa has (including the 'shall I kiss it better?' that he sometimes teasingly uses on Arthur), bathes him, force feeds Aithusa his vegetables, and tells the baby dragon off for certain little things like calling Gwen a home wrecker (Arthur has no idea what it means but every time Gwen tries to kiss him Aithusa sets fire to her dress and cries loudly for Merlin) which deserves then minutes in the corner for a time out and no desert.

By the end of the day both Arthur and Merlin are exhausted at this whole parenting thing. They had both agreed to never have a real child or they might just die of exhaustion. Though Arthur was quick to point out they could always just hire an entire staff for a nursery to look after the child. After all he was brought up by thirty different people including Gaius and look how well he turned out.

"Yeah but I don't want our child to be a repressed, ignorant, patronising, condescending, arrogant prat."

"Oh shut up Merlin!"

"Oh how witty," Merlin sneered.

"I'm too tired to think of anything else," Arthur yawned.

Gaius came in later that night when it became apparent Merlin wasn't going to eat his dinner. He smiled fondly at the sight of Aithusa curled up between a sleeping Merlin and Arthur. He wished he had some sort of magical instrument that would allow him to capture this moment on paper so he could blackmail the pair of them.

Aithusa opens his eyes and grins at him, "Grandpa!" he chirped.

On second thoughts Gaius wishes Merlin never hatched that bloody egg. He's too young to be a grandfather! He hasn't finished parenting Merlin and Arthur yet!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

It was a relief to have knights around.

Stupid they maybe they were good-hearted and only wanted to do the best for someone. Merlin loved each of them as a friend and brother in arms and loved them all the more when they started to offer babysitting Aithusa. He just needed a night to himself to sleep or a night to sneak out and stop evil without being caught because Aithusa tripped up and couldn't stop crying.

However it was the most stupid thing on Merlin's part to let Gwaine of all people to babysit a baby dragon on a Saturday night.

Because Saturday night was the night Gwaine would definitely be going drinking, whoring, and something very stupid, and of course taking a baby dragon with him would only put him in more attention. Gwaine was a huge attention whore he just had to be centre of the attention which was probably why Arthur didn't like him that much Gwaine took the attention away from him, the _rightful king_.

So when Leon woke Merlin up from a very good dream (it consisted him having Arthur serve his every need and want – not in that way!) because Aithusa was drunk Merlin just knew that he would never left Gwaine babysit again.

Standing there in his rumpled clothing, sleepy eyes, and desperate need to go back to bed Merlin felt the need to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't still dreaming.

After all you don't see a baby dragon singing and dancing to a very strange song every day.

Especially with lyrics like 'We Are Family'.


	23. The Worst Christmas Present EVER

**Summary: **Elyan had spent day and night, blood and sweat; to make Gwen her Christmas present...too bad she doesn't like it.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Gwaine, Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Leon, Gwen/Percival, Gwen/Merlin, implied Merlin/Elyan and Merlin/Others.

"Merry Christmas, Elyan."

"Merry Christmas, Gwen."

"I made you some new shirts."

"Thank you, they're in my favourite colour as well! Here is my Christmas present Gwen, I put my sweat and blood in making this, and it's been difficult to get it made in time with all the magical threats."

"Oh Elyan, you shouldn't have...oh Elyan you really_ shouldn't_ have..."

"Do you like it?"

"..."

"Gwen?"

"You really, _really _shouldn't have."

"...Gwen? Gwen, what are you doing? Guinevere? No do-"

Everything went pitch black as Elyan felt the Christmas present he made Gwen hit him hard over the head.

_Next year_, he thought bitterly as darkness surrounded him, _I'll just buy her some clothe_.

He woke up in a room that he had never seen before. It was a small cramped room filled with dirty clothes. The sole window in the room gave him a view of bright white sky; it must have been snowing again or on the verge of snowing. That or he was seriously concussed now. There was a slight movement and he turns to find Merlin grinning at him while dressed head to toe in ridiculous clothing.

Obviously this was Arthur's present for the year. Elyan remembered picking out those terrible big shoes with curling points at the end.

"So...you're terrible at giving presents," Merlin said almost laughingly, "worse than Arthur it seems."

"She knocked me out!" Elyan gasped as he remembered Gwen's narrowed eyes, pursed lips, and suddenly the swinging motion of her hand as she used his present to her to knock him out. "Gwen knocked me out!"

Merlin nodded. "It's a habit I'm trying to get her to stop. She keeps knocking me out with a silver jug at least once a day, I turn up to work concussed all the time, not that Arthur has ever noticed the difference, then again he'll say something awful about my mental health or intelligence if I ever brought it up."

"Yes but I'm her brother! I worked day and night to make her that present and she just knocks me out!"

"Elyan you accused her of being a whore."

"_I did not_!"

"Well that's sort of what the chastity belt you made her implies."

"I was being a good brother and protecting her virtue!" Elyan protested. "Have you seen the looks our friends give her? Gwaine looks at her as if she's dinner all the time, while Arthur, Leon and Percival are definitely undressing her with their eyes, and Lancelot struggles to keep his eyes off of her chest. Speaking of which have you seen how low cut her dresses have become? She's enticing the whole of Camelot to try and seduce her! I must protect her maidenhead with all of my power and since I can hardly beat all of the knights in a fight to the death I might as well make her the belt and rest my mind."

"You could just trust Gwen," Merlin suggested. Elyan shot him a look that blatantly screamed _are you kidding me_? And Merlin rethought what he had said, how many times had he caught Gwen and Arthur kissing? How many times has he caught Gwaine flirting shamelessly with Gwen and Gwen kissing him on the cheek in return? How many times has he noticed all those meaningful looks and odd little private moments between Gwen and Lancelot? How many poems has Percival tried to write dedicated to Gwen? How many times has Leon blushed when he realised how low cut Gwen's dress is? How many times has Merlin himself cringed when he remembered how obvious Gwen had been in her affections for him? "All right maybe the chastity belt _wasn't_ a bad idea just...it's the worst Christmas present in the world. Couldn't you just given it to her another time or asked Gaius to tell her it was crucial for her health?"

"Why didn't I think of that?"

Merlin rolled his eyes, honestly knights and their very thick skull, "next year just buy Gwen a roll of silk or something."

The door slammed open and Arthur appeared at the door with Gaius. They took one look at Elyan's naked chest and sighed, "_Mer_lin," Arthur drawled out, "What have we told you about having half naked men in your bedroom?"

Hmm...Maybe Elyan should have given the chastity belt to Merlin instead. It would have been a lot less dangerous or bodily harming as it had been with Gwen.


	24. A Different Reaction

**Summary: **instead of being shocked Arthur has a totally different reaction to the revelation of Morgana being his sister. Crack silliness.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Morgana/Gwaine/Leon/Others, Gwen/Lancelot, Morgause/Others/Cenred, Gaius/Alice, and implied one-sided Gwen/Arthur and Agravaine/Morgana.

"No but I do," Morgana said coldly as she appeared on the platform, elegantly dressed and composed as if she wasn't talking to her king on his knees before her and surrounded by immortal soldiers. "After all I am your daughter."

There was a sharp intake of breath from Arthur and then before Merlin could even blink he was knocked to the ground as Arthur ran off. Merlin scrambled to stand up and then awkwardly ran after Arthur. Arthur flung the doors open to the throne room and marched in, his face bright red, and his breath coming out in huffs and puffs.

"How dare you!" he roared.

"Oh I dare," Morgana hissed, "I dare to tell the world what a-"

"Not you!" Arthur snapped. "Him!" he pointed at Uther ignoring both Morgana's and Morgues' looks of bewilderment. "How dare you? How dare you betray Mother like that? She was barely cold in the ground when you would have lain with Morgana's mother! How dare you betray your own loyal friend in such a manner! How dare you not acknowledge Morgana! Can you not imagine how she must have felt? It's no wonder she turned to the dark side if this is how she'd been treated! I am so angry – no furious – I am so furious with you that I cannot describe it! I shall never forgive you Father!"

"Arthur...Morgana..." Uther whispered brokenly.

"Don't speak!" Arthur shouted. "Morgana has the right idea you're not fit to rule Camelot! Instead I will and my first act shall be to unban magic. If you had lied to us about Morgana's parentage then you obviously lied about my mother's death. I shall make it so people could practise magic without fear of being prosecuted!"

Morgana and Morgause exchanged looks of sheer delight. If only they had thought of using Arthur again a lot earlier they could have not wasted so much valuable time, money, resources, and men in their agenda.

"I will then declare Morgana my legitimate heir and because I will not have any heirs myself it will be up to her to have children to continue the Pendragon line."

Morgana was practically floating at this. She was a recognised princess and sister to a king! This was more than she could have dreamed off when she was so young and naive. One day she shall be Queen in her own right completely and this time it'll be legal and legitimate instead of a takeover that would result in bloodshed and hatred like this one was obviously going to be.

"This is because I no longer feel the need to please you and can now have a fulfilling sexual relationship with Merlin."

Morgana and Morgause let out a loud high pitched squeal. "Merthur!" they screeched clutching each other and dancing excitement.

Merlin, finally having entered the room at this point, simply fainted.

It was all too much and he was very exhausted.

"What about Morgause?" Morgana asked worriedly. Morgause had caused quite a bit of trouble in the past for Camelot and Arthur might not think too kindly of her as he does of his new found half sister. "Is she to be banished? I cannot leave her; she is my sister through my mother!"

"Of course not," Arthur said in surprise. He was no longer blinded by anger as he had been moments ago. "Morgause is your sister and therefore your own heir until you bare children. She is a welcome member of the family and could probably be my Captain of the Guard with her fighting skills. She could be the leader that my knights will need now I will be too busy with state matters."

The sisters squealed again. This was almost better than the Merthur!

"And Gwen?" Morgana asked. She did love her friend but she didn't want to see the woman who brushed her hair sit on her throne. It would ruin her pride.

"I'm sure she'll be happy with Lancelot. I don't really care I was only using her to make Father happy."

Morgana let out a cheer and hugged Arthur tightly. "You shall be a far better king than a certain TRYANT that I know. Oh, do I have my pick of which man to marry? Can I marry Gwaine? He's very sexy; no wait how about Sir Leon? He'll be loyal! Or even better can I just have a harem?"

Arthur smirked a very Morgana like smirk (it must be a Pendragon trait) when he saw the purple his father was turning to at Morgana's suggestions and hugged Morgana back just as tightly. "You can have has many husbands as you wish, just don't tell me the details."

Later that night Uther will commit suicide since neither of his children will forgive him. Arthur was too busy changing laws with Morgause' help to realise this while Morgana was eagerly hunting down a husband that she would like (she was quick to put a spell on Agravaine so he could not approach her). The changes were quickly followed by lots of sex (Arthur with Merlin, Gwen with Lancelot, Morgana with her five new husbands including Gwaine and Leon, Gaius with Alice, and Morgause and her new lover that was nothing like Cenred) and by the time someone was able to get out of bed Uther was nothing but a mouldy corpse.

It was a very good life for everyone but Uther.

And to think Arthur almost froze up in shock and missed out on such a good opportunity.


	25. Fan Service

**Summary: **the knights are confronting Arthur about being naked so much in the fourth series

**Pairings: **implied Arthur/Merlin, Arthur/Merlin/Knights, and Arthur/Gwen

"Arthur...we need to talk."

Arthur shuddered at those terrible words. They always meant something dreadful like when his favourite dog ran away with his favourite horse or when Uther decided to get rid of his whipping boy or Gaius couldn't find a cure to acne and it was time to give him the sex talk...

Yeah just not good.

He turned round to find his knights and Merlin looking very serious and suddenly felt a jab of fear and anxiety. _What if they all decide to leave him_? He can't rule without Merlin he'll end up naked in the middle of declaring something...well ok that happens whether Merlin is there or not but still!

"It's about this new habit of yours..." Percival said looking nervous and was now shyly biting his lip.

"What new habit?" Arthur asked going through a mental list of his habits – throwing things at Merlin, yelling at Merlin, telling Merlin off, ordering Merlin about, bantering with Merlin, protecting Merlin from sex fiends, bandits, and evil sorcerers, ruling Camelot, kissing Gwen, dragging Merlin out of bed, stealing Merlin's food, insulting Merlin, and...Well they all have to do with Merlin. Is it about his treatment of Merlin? He's had enough of those lectures to last him for a lifetime.

All of his knights and Merlin were staring fixated onto his chest.

"That new habit," Gwaine said pointing to his chest.

Arthur looked down to realise he was shirtless.

Again.

This was becoming too much of a bad habit.

He can see why there was an intervention.

"And if it's not your shirt you're losing it's your trousers!" Merlin cried out before sniggering.

"Oh shut up, _Mer_lin," Arthur snapped. He grimaced at the threatening gestures Gwaine was giving him and tried to smile pleasantly as if he wasn't considering killing Merlin for a little peace and quiet. "Look I really don't know why I'm shirtless or trouser-less. It just happens. One minute it's there and one minute it's gone, as if by magic."

No one notices Merlin shift awkwardly. He may or may not use magic to vanish Arthur's clothes once in a while but he doesn't do it this often!

"Well stop it," Leon ordered, "it's been very distracting trying to save the people of Camelot when your clothes keep disappearing."

"Speaking of which...where is _your _shirt?" Arthur asked.

The knights and Merlin glance down to find their shirts have mysteriously disappeared. At the same moment Gwen entered the room. She took one look at her half naked boyfriend, brother, best friend and friends and said the only thing a sensible woman would say.

"Can you get in a compromising position for me?"

"_Guinevere_!"

"What? If you're going to do some fan service you might as well do it properly!"


	26. MerlinBear

**Summary: **Merlin is trying to be sneaky and gets into a sticky situation

**Pairings: **Merthur all the way

**Author's Note: **Fanfiction is broken again and keeps saying none of your reviews exist (while last night it was just not letting you do anything to do with accounts) so thank you for everyone who reviewed last chapter.

Merlin was being sneaky.

Or at least he was trying to be sneaky. It was very hard to be sneaky in Arthur's bed chambers because there were lots of things on the floor to trip him up. Someone really should pick it all up...oh wait that was his job...well damn. He hated sneaking around Arthur like this and betraying his trust but he had no choice. It was the last dragon egg and he has to return the keys before Arthur realises the vault has been robbed!

He knocked a goblet that a quick freezing spell prevented it from landing on the floor. He could run round and get it but then he's most likely to trip over that new pile of laundry and land flat on his face. There was only one thing for it – he'll have to jump over Arthur and grab hold of it!

He does so and is just about to get up when a warm arm snakes round his waist and holds onto him tightly.

"What...?"

Arthur then suddenly buries his face into his neck snoring loudly against his pulse making it vibrate weirdly. Hmmm maybe Merlin has a health condition that he needs to talk to Gaius about? Very good reason to run now and get far, far away from Arthur. He tried to pull away but Arthur's grip on him tightened.

"Don't go teddy," Arthur mumbled.

"Teddy?" Merlin mouthed incredulously to no one in particular.

There were a few short moments where Arthur continued to cuddle and nuzzle Merlin before Merlin felt it was safe to pull away and run back very quickly but very silently.

Arthur pressed himself up closer and Merlin gasped in horror – it was horror not delight! – When he felt something hard press against his buttocks. The horror of it all deepened when the warning bells suddenly went off.

"What the blazes is going on? _Merlin_! What the hell are you doing in my bed?"

Ah...awkward.


	27. Twenty Reasons Why Merlin is so Sexy

_Summary:_ Arthur and the Knights write a list for why Merlin is so sexy

_Pairings: _Merthur, Merlin/Gwaine, Merlin/Leon, Merlin/Percival, Merlin/Elyan, one-sided Merlin/Agravaine, and Arthur/Gwen all implied in some sort of shape and form.

_Author's Note: _I suggested something along these lines for the Awkward Moments fic by Astiza and she had turned round and told me I should write it out as a chapter for this. So I have and now I dedicate it to her.

**Twenty Reasons Why Merlin is so Sexy:**

**1. **His snowy white skin

**2. **His stormy blue eyes

**3.** That turn a sexy gold sometimes

**4. **His 'I've just been shagged' style black hair

**5. **His ears

**6.** His sensual mouth

**7. **His tight sexy buttocks

**8. **His slim but slight muscle-y chest

**9. **His neckerchief

**10. **His 'swan' like neck

**11. **His wit and sarcasm

**12. **How high and squeaky his voice gets when he is excited

**13. **His cheeky grin

**14. **His smirk

**15. **His blush

**16. **His long fingers

**17. **How flexible he is

**18. **His habit of tucking in half naked guys into bed with him

**19. **His laughter

**20. **He's Merlin so of course he is sexy.

"That last one isn't even a reason, Gwaine you half-wit!" Arthur snapped when Gwaine jotted down the last one.

"Well there doesn't really need to be a list does there because Merlin is just _sexy_," Gwaine shrugged.

Arthur decided not to pick a fight over that one. After all for once in his drunken life Gwaine was actually right Merlin was just _sheer_ sexy. "What do you mean his eyes go gold? I've never seen his eyes go gold and I've known him the longest!"

"His eyes are always doing it!" Leon protested. "Usually when something very weird happens like when the roof of that cave caved in smothering our enemies to death."

"You're delusional," Arthur said dismissing Leon's thoughts.

The knights all shared a look. If anything Arthur was just plain dumb blind if he had never noticed Merlin's glorious blue eyes turn a magnificent gold colour just as something absolutely amazingly magical happens and saves all their butts. They all silently decided to drop the argument and let the King continue to think whatever he believed that way they can daydream about Merlin's gold eyes without Arthur hogging it all like he hogged everything about Merlin.

"You're one to talk, what do you mean by his swan like neck?" Gwaine mocked.

"Have you ever seen Merlin without his neckerchief?"

They all shook their head.

"Well I have and my god all that clumsiness is there because God decided to put everything elegant in that neck. It is snow white, graceful, curved perfectly, and like a swan," Arthur sighed blissfully causing Gwaine and Leon to exchanged looks.

"Now why can't you write something like that in your love letters to my sister?" Elyan frowned.

"Does this have anything to do with the law on Merlin always wearing his neckerchief?" Percival asked.

Arthur decided to ignore that while Gwaine decided to make another list why Merlin's neckerchief is so sexy. Strangely enough it only consisted of one reason – bondage. The others continued to bicker over some of the reasons or the choice of wording when Merlin came barrelling in quickly without a second thought Arthur hid the list under some papers.

After fighting a magical monster and saving Camelot once again he forgot all about the list.

MMMMMMMM

God this was boring.

So very boring.

Being King and leading the meeting did not make it more interesting.

He was so very bored.

He had become so accustomed to reading out agendas and pretending to listen to all these old stuffy advisors argue over every little detail (Merlin fills him in later) that he no longer actually reads what he is reading it is just meaningless words to him and he no longer hears the hushed whispers of different views. He just hears hissing and sighs and wishes he was out hunting with Merlin or having a picnic with M-Gwen, yes Gwen, pretty Gwen.

Once they finished arguing about taxes (_again_) Arthur moves to the next agenda, feeling his voice drone as he wasn't really paying attention to what he was reading.

"Twenty Reasons Why Merlin is So Sexy, number one..."

As usual Arthur ignored the stray whisper as one lord would be making his opinion clear to the man sitting next to him or maybe even just criticising Arthur (they tend to do that behind his back or when they think he isn't listening) but then it becomes a buzz of whispers that sound almost scandalised. Oh come on there was nothing shocking about starving peasants not these days! Arthur turns to look at Merlin to see what he makes of the situation and is surprised to see Merlin trying to hide his face in his neckerchief. His cheeks were adorably bright red in embarrassment and his eyes were sweetly wide and innocent...

Oh boy, cold bath tonight.

Arthur then turns to look at his lords who were either having heart attacks, gone into shock, or staring at Merlin with rather lustful looks including his own uncle.

EW!

Arthur then looks down at what he was reading and almost faints himself when he realises he was reading out that list he and the knights had written a few days ago.

Oh bugger.

Shitting hell.

Well fuck.

Bullocks.

Merlin was never going to forgive him now.

He wonders if he can just jump out of the window because the look in Gaius' eye is telling him that Gaius will murder him tonight.

Only that is if Merlin doesn't get there first.


	28. Gwen's Barbie Dolls

**Summary: **Gwen has a way to convince the men in her life to do anything for her. And I mean ANYTHING.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, mentions of Merlin/Freya, implied Gwen/Gwaine and Merlin/Gwaine.

It was a nice sunny afternoon and for once Merlin had the afternoon off from both Arthur and Gaius. He knew it couldn't last long since one of them would snap back into reality and make him do some chores but he was enjoying it while he can.

"Merlin! There you are!"

Merlin bit back a groan and hoped that Gwen wasn't going to tell him that Arthur needs the stables mucking out or something. He turned and gave Gwen a grin causing her to smile back.

"Thank god I found you!" she cried out. "I have an amazing idea for your quest. Since you keep getting noticed and attacked I thought I should make you all disguises. I have the knights fitting into theirs in a minute and you can try yours on as well."

Merlin's grin widened at Gwen's kind thought. Since he was a servant he didn't actually have anything that would incriminate him as Camelot's man unlike the Knights and Arthur who go running round in bright red capes practically screaming WE'RE FROM CAMELOT. Morons, the lot of them, even if they are Merlin's closest friends.

"Sure, what is my disguise? If it's any better than this old jacket I might wear it all the time," he said cheerfully.

Gwen pulled out something from her side bag and held it up to him. "If you wear it all the time you might want to do so in the privacy of your room otherwise Arthur might send you in the stocks again," she said sweetly.

"I'm not wearing that!" Merlin blurted out looking and feeling rather horrified.

"Please Merlin!" Gwen pleaded, her lower lip pouting, her deep dark eyes wide and almost filled with tears. "I worked so hard to make it. Please Merlin just try it on, just once!"

She was using her most persuasive voice that she usually used on Arthur or Gwaine. This would normally never work on Merlin since he had never seen Gwen as a sexual being more like a partner in crime against the stupidity of King Prat. But then she was doing the puppy eye trick, her eyelashes fluttering quickly as she tried to prevent real hurt filled tears from falling and she looked so pathetic and innocent that Merlin felt like he just kicked a kitten or something.

A tear fell down her cheek.

Must. Not. Give. In.

Then another one.

Must. Resist. Evil. Gwen.

And then as a third one rolled down her cheek Merlin sighed heavily and his whole body slumped as he felt himself give in.

"Oh, all right, if I must!"

Gwen squealed loudly and gave him a bone crushing hug before dragging him back to her house.

Thank god Gwen had never turned evil otherwise the whole of Camelot would be doomed.

MMMMMMMMMM

The only reason Merlin's pride was not completely dead and buried with an epitaph of 'he is so whipped by his best friend Gwen' was because he looked better in a dress than any of the other knights.

Apart from Elyan who was looking more and more like Gwen in a dress than he ever did in his armour.

"When I get back into my breeches you should keep that dress on and let me take you out for a drink," Gwaine said starring at Merlin's fake breasts.

"No thanks," Merlin muttered. He had to admit he was rather transfixed at the awful yellow dress Gwaine was wearing. It was so strange that Gwen would make something so hideous since she usually had very good taste in clothes. And yet she is forcing Gwaine into this mustard yellow velvet gown that not even Morgana could make it look attractive (then again, Merlin remembers, Morgana never looked good in cheerful colours and only ever wore dark gloomy ones).

Then Merlin remembered last week when Gwaine puked over Gwen's lap after drinking one too many alcoholic beverages.

Ah. Sweet revenge.

The ringlets Gwen was in the process of creating with little rags and whatever face paint Gwen chooses to use will give the knights and Merlin something to laugh about for days.

"Gwaine's right though. That colour really suits you, Merlin," Percival said shyly.

It was a very dark purple velvet dress. Merlin had a terrible feeling that it was actually one of Morgana's dresses and Gwen chose it because Arthur mentioned something about that time with Freya...Merlin sighed mournfully and didn't speak. The knights exchanged worried looks but then shrugged it off as Merlin fearing all the teasing he'll get from Arthur.

"You look nice too, Percival!" Merlin added hurriedly when he realised he had been acting too depressed.

He was blatantly lying through his teeth since Percival looked gigantic in the pale blue silk dress. He looked like a man dressing as a woman more than the others ever did, his short hair and short sleeves revealing his muscles did nothing to hide the fact he was a manly man.

"I'm still making your wig, Percy," Gwen said sweetly, "the stable boys are plucking white horse hair as we speak, and I plan to make you a shawl I just need to sort out Leon's breasts."

This caused all the men to turn and look at the very red faced Leon who looked like a middle-aged matron in his lavender dress that he once wore when escaping Morgana's tyranny last year.

"You're going to need to shave, mate, or everyone will know you're a dude," Gwaine said grinning.

"Nah he should leave it on. His grandmother had a beard," Elyan smirked.

Percival and Gwaine laughed loudly while Leon flushed an even deeper red. There was a knock on the door before Arthur appeared holding a bunch of weltering flowers in his hand. "Hello ladies," he teased before handing Gwen the flowers. "You're a genius Guinevere, I barely recognised them," Arthur lied.

Gwen smiled radiantly before putting the flowers in the vase and then she held up a long puffy pink dress. "For you," she grinned.

"Err...its lovely Guinevere...but I can't...since I'm King...well...erm...maybe for my Uncle, he will need a disguise!"

"Oh man up Arthur!" Gwaine called out. "We're all manly enough to wear a dress. In fact I'm so secure in my masculinity that I might go around dressed like this all week. Don't act like a whiney little princess and put the goddamn dress on."

"Hell no," Arthur muttered.

"Arthur," Gwen said using that evil persuasive voice again, "please. For me. I never asked anything from you but I will for this. I need you to disguise yourself, I don't know if I can live with myself if you died. I love you too much to live without you."

She was using the wide eyed puppy dog eyes trick.

With fluttering eyelashes as tears was beginning to run down her face.

And she was flaunting her cleavage to him as well, running a hand down her arm.

Merlin wasn't sure which trick was more evil using sexual attraction or making tears appear on command.

Either way within five minutes Arthur was standing next to Merlin in a pink dress.

"You are so whipped," Gwaine laughed.

"So are you!" Arthur retorted.

"Let's face it," Gwen said cheerfully as her tears magically disappeared, "you're all my bitches."


	29. 4x07 Outtake: Merlin Snapped

**Summary: **alternative scene for 4x07, instead of being silent Merlin snaps and gives Arthur a lecture of a lifetime.

**Pairings: **implied Arthur/Merlin/Gwaine love triangle.

"I do not want to lose another friend."

"Too late, you already have."

"_What?"_

Merlin was pissed off. Pardon his French but he cannot help but feel like this. First Arthur is a gigantic prat which was sort of all right now because he was used to it but then Arthur keeps having horrible prattish moments like not listening to Merlin and starting a war. Second thing, Arthur decides magic is evil because of Morgana...yeah ok him too...so just because his tyrant of a father who had emotionally damaged both of his children dies has to mean magic is evil? Thirdly, Merlin was still rather cut up over the fact that Lancelot died, after all Lancelot was his closest confidant that was actually his age and didn't judge Merlin based on assumptions or the prejudice that magic was evil. Then of course Arthur and the other knights decided to be a bunch of bullies and starved him a couple times when they went on quests, how would they like it if Merlin decided to let them fed for themselves? They wouldn't last five minutes on their own! Urgh. Then on top of that it is so blatantly obvious that Agravaine is evil, for god sake he wears black, snoops around everywhere, purposely gives the wrong advice, and keeps staring lustfully at Gwen.

So Arthur deciding to believe evil Uncle over Merlin and judge Gaius as a traitor to Camelot when it is blatantly obvious that Gaius was kidnapped (after all if Gaius was going to do a runner he would have taken the kettle first).

So now Merlin has...erm...well snapped.

"I am no longer your friend. I cannot be a friend to someone who is so wilfully, blind fully, ignorantly, _stupid_! Gaius had _raised _you, your moron. He changed your nappies, comforted you when you had nightmares, healed your wounds and tended you in your sickness. He was your father's closest friend and loyal advisor. Why on earth would he betray you now?"

"Well-"

"I'm not finished yet, so shut your big gob! Do you remember the many times when Gaius got accused of being a traitor and magic user? And how many times had it turned out he was framed by a witch hunter or completely innocent and your father was just being a paranoid bastard?"

"How dare-"

"Oh I dare! No one liked your father, not Gwen, not me, not the servants, not the nobles, definitely not your uncle, and especially not Morgana, Uther Pendragon's daughter, what the hell does that tell you? That no one wants you to be like Uther Pendragon! _Duh_! Your uncle is blatantly leading you astray so you can be dethroned. It is classic evil, greedy, ambitious uncle thing to do especially one that has no land or title or wealth. The only thing Gaius wants is a holiday!"

"Maybe that's what he decided to do!" Arthur practically screamed. Pleased that he can now get a word in edgeways.

Merlin just gave him a withering look. "_Purr_-lease, the day Gaius would actually go on holiday is the day illness no longer exists. Stop being such an idiotic, big-headed, bone-headed, dick-headed _prat_ and just sit there and look pretty half naked. It seems to be the only thing you're good at these days."

"I beg your pardon? I'll have you in the stocks if you continue like this _Mer_lin, I've been very generous letting you vent out all-"

"And now," Merlin said loudly interrupting Arthur once again, "I am going on a quest to save Gaius. In fact I have decided I will make it an epic bromantic adventure with Gwaine and we may even go camping Brokeback Mountain style and come back with not only an innocent Gaius but with a better Bromance than you and I shall ever have. Goodbye Arthur Pendragon!"

Merlin stormed off with his head held up high in pride. God that felt good.

Unfortunately only one thing sunk in.

"_Gwaine_? What? You can't have an epic Bromance with _Gwaine_! What about us? Merlin! _Merlin_! Merlin?"


	30. Merlin Robes!

**Summary: **Arthur, Gwen, and the knights do an intervention for Merlin.

**Pairings: **mentions of Arthur/Gwen and father/son in Merlin/Gaius.

"Merlin, we need to talk."

Merlin groaned. When Arthur said those words nothing ever good happened. It usually meant there was another rat in his room or something. He turned around and groaned louder to see Arthur had the knights and Gwen around him. They only ever did this when they had an intervention.

"For the last time," Merlin hissed through gritted teeth, "I do not have a drinking problem! If you want to intervene for someone who does look at Gwaine!"

"Hey! I'm not that bad," Gwaine said innocently.

Everyone snorted.

"While I am certain you are protesting too much," Arthur said with a small twitch of the lips, "we are not holding an intervention on your drinking problem this time."

"I do not have a drinking problem!"

"If you say so, Merlin," Leon said patronisingly.

"It is an intervention though," Gwen said quickly, "just not about your drinking problem."

"I do not have a drinking problem!"

"But you do have a problem," Gwen said.

"A terrible problem," Elyan agreed.

"Apparently a very addictive problem," Percival added.

"I'm not doing drugs or magic or anything!" Merlin shouted. He winced a little bit at how high his voice had gone just then. It was as if he was a chipmunk before it hit puberty.

The others agreed with him by the looks of their own wincing and flinching. "We never said it was drugs or magic, mate," Gwaine said gently, "just that it is a terrible addictive problem. Not that I can understand how it is addictive but apparently it is."

"Merlin I understand you miss Gaius greatly," Arthur said solemnly, "we all do. He was a great man, physician, and father figure. He had sacrificed so much for Camelot and we will always remember him but he wouldn't want you to destroy yourself like this."

Merlin stared at him with bewilderment. "Gaius isn't dead," he said slowly.

"He isn't?" Arthur shouted in shock. "Then where is he? He hasn't turned up to council meetings all week!"

"Arthur," Gwen said looking at her husband in concern, "Gaius has the flu. I told you this a few days ago."

"Oh..."

"Idiot," Merlin muttered as the knights sniggered.

"You better not recycle that speech when he does die," Gwaine said, "we would all know and feel cheapened."

"Well if Gaius isn't dead why the hell is Merlin wearing his robes?"

"That's the problem? That's the reason why you decided to mob me in the middle of a corridor? The fact I'm wearing robes. Good god, what on earth is wrong with you all?"

"Merlin, they look dreadful, I mean the one you're wearing looks like rust and the one you were wearing yesterday looked like a sack of potatoes," Arthur said looking rather distressed. The others apart from Percival were agreeing with him. "And strangely enough we happen to like your ridiculous neckerchief and bold shirt combo. What happened to that new purple tunic I brought you? It was made from the wool of the best sheep in Camelot! Or even that new red jacket I had made for you? Do you need more? I will happily buy you more clothes; Guinevere is in need of a shopping trip."

"But I like wearing robes."

"Why?" everyone but Percival shouted.

Merlin felt his cheeks heat up as he was about to reveal the embarrassing secret he had discovered when he first pretended he was Dragoon and ran through the corridors of the cold drafty castle. When he had humiliatingly confessed this secret to Gaius, Gaius had simply smiled and said, "Oh I know, that's why I like to wear robes as well," which was really not something Merlin wanted to know about his father figure.

"I like the breeze around my private parts."

Percival nodded knowingly, "I told you it was addictive," he said wisely.


	31. Watching Merlin Part 1

**Summary: **one of those 'they watch the TV series' things. Only it is solely the reaction and supposed to be sheer crack though it might seem just sheer insanity.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, Merlin/Gwaine, Merlin/Gwen, Merlin/Morgana, Arthur/Morgana, Arthur/Sophia, Morgana/Gwen, and Gaius/modern furniture.

There was a great flash of light and a very loud thump as Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, Morgana, the Knights, and Gaius fell from the ceiling and landed on the floor in a giant pile. There was a great confusion as they were all talking over one another and struggling to get up. Once they were all standing and finally caught their breath they realised who was with them.

"YOU!" Arthur roared.

"Hello brother dearest," Morgana said sarcastically with a smirk.

The knights pulled out their swords and were ready to hold an offensive stance when they realised they were not holding their swords but rubber fish.

Merlin couldn't help it he burst out laughing.

"Merlin!" everyone but Morgana scolded.

"Sorry...sorry..." Merlin wheezed between laughs, "You have...to admit...it's funny."

"The stocks, Merlin, when we get out of this you will be in the stocks," Arthur growled.

Morgana cackled. "Is that the best you can do?" she sneered. "I shall show you true power while getting my revenge for my sister," she muttered something in the Old Religion tongue and waved her hand and...

...nothing happened.

Merlin burst out in laughter again.

"Shut up, Merlin!" everyone snapped.

"Sorry...but...well...I have a letter that explains everything but you were all to ready to fight and well...it was just too much of a good opportunity to miss," Merlin snickered.

"Let me see that," Arthur snatched the paper Merlin held out. "Dear Merlin and others, I have used a powerful science to transport you all to the future. You will be locked in this house until you watched all four series of Merlin together. Three are about your past while the fourth one is the future. I have used magic to transform your swords into toys and bind all magic. You are all on an even ground now behave, sincerely a fan. What the hell? Why are we watching something called Merlin, shouldn't it be called Arthur since I'm the Prince of all Camelot?"

Gwaine, Merlin, and Morgana all rolled their eyes in unison. "Princess, this isn't the time for you to have an ego trip. Let's just watch these damn things so we can all go home."

Arthur sulked while cuddling Gwen as the knights all sat on the floor, Gaius hogged the arm chair and Merlin and Morgana sat opposite sides of a small sofa glaring at one another.

They played the first disc and everything went silent.

Up until they saw Merlin use magic to save Gaius.

"You have magic?"

MMMMMMMMMMM

Suffice to say that Merlin was now in the doghouse with Lancelot. It was one thing to be 'evil' and a 'traitor to Camelot' but it was another to let Lancelot know before the Prince of Camelot. Merlin snorts quietly to himself; Arthur is just a big fat prat. Lancelot and Merlin were now regulated to the 'traitors sofa' with Morgana who was leaning far away from them as possible while scowling.

It is an improvement just moments before Lancelot had to pull Morgana off of Merlin. She is very good at strangling and didn't need magic to kill someone since she was doing a very good job at it with her bare hands. Arthur was now sulking in a similar manner as Morgana, Gaius would have been sentenced to the 'traitors sofa' if he didn't play the 'I'm so old and have a terrible back ache' card and he was now very comfortable in his arm chair ignoring everyone, Gwen and Elyan appear to have withhold any judgement and not said a word. Percival only stated he didn't think Merlin was evil while Leon made it very clear he wants to see all of Merlin's 'misdeeds' before doing anything and Gwaine was just complaining about the lack of ale in the house.

For most of the first episode everyone spent it feeling either annoyed that Merlin only trusted Lancelot or disgusted that Arthur would inflict so much pain on Merlin as they watched those few first meetings.

During the second episode everyone had virtually forgiven Merlin apart from Arthur and Morgana who were too busy throwing insults and snide comments at one another.

During the third one Merlin found himself smothered by Gwen, who was very thankful he saved her father's life and waved away his arguments about almost executing her. Quite a few of the knights teased Arthur about his stupidity and Merlin about Gwen's crush.

The teasing reached to the point where Gwen stuck her nose up in the air and said snottily, "well he's a better kisser than all of you put together."

Lancelot shot Merlin a rather betrayed look, Elyan pretended he didn't hear it, Leon, Percival and Gwaine laughed uneasily feeling their manly pride being destroyed, Arthur looked like he would murder Merlin, and Morgana cackled hysterically.

Though inwardly she was cursing herself for being so stupid and not realising Merlin had magic when she accused him of being in love with Gwen.

Merlin feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment decided he should take the attention away from himself. "May I remind you for the past three episodes Arthur and Morgana were flirting?"

Arthur and Morgana exchanged horrified looks while the knights were making revolted comments and laughing. Gwen wondered if she should point out that Merlin saw Morgana almost naked and hadn't been able to look at her in the eye since...but then she spotted the bruise on his forehead where Morgana had thrown her shoe at him and decided otherwise.

Gaius just wondered if all young people were so sexually aware and if he should provide Gwen and Morgana with a tonic to prevent pregnancy.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

The next episode had started in time before anything could get any more awkward and embarrassing. It opened up with Nimueh plotting something causing everyone but Morgana, who was determinedly looking at the screen, to look at Merlin nervously since the last episode she had all but declared to get her revenge on him.

Everyone laughed when Merlin's court outfit was revealed.

"Oh god," Leon choked between chuckles, "I remember that outfit."

"Why don't we get to see you in that hat, Merlin?" Gwaine called out. "There have been five banquets since I've been a knight in Camelot and I've never seen you in it."

"It had a terrible accident with a spontaneous fire," Merlin deadpanned.

"You mean you used _magic_ on the _very first gift_ I brought you to destroy it," Arthur glared at Merlin. "And you say _I'm_ ungrateful."

"You are ungrateful, I clean your chambers, make your bed, fetch you your dinner, cook you your dinner, polish your armour and weapons, act as a practise target, clean your clothes, polish your shoes, run errands, lie on your behalf, save your life repeatedly, romance Gwen on your behalf, and write your speeches. And what thanks do I get? A feathered hat, a piece of cutlery thrown at my head, and a day in the stocks."

"Merlin I insist that you leave Arthur's services and become my squire," Gwaine said firmly, "we could have epic Bromance in my chambers and drink all night long."

"No," Gaius and Arthur said both firmly and coldly.

"Erm...no thank you Gwaine," Merlin mumbled having a feeling he just missed a subtext or something. "I would just like a holiday once in a while that's all."

"Besides Arthur," Gwen said sweetly, "I can always just make Merlin another hat."

"Gwen!" Merlin shrieked horrified.

Everyone laughed at Merlin's horror and kept sniggering and giggling at his besotted attitude towards Nimueh.

The laughing stopped when Merlin on the TV screen suddenly collapsed due to poison.

MMMMMMMMM

The next twenty or so minutes everyone but Morgana (who was actually starting to feel worried now but put it down to hunger since she hadn't eaten in days) watched in almost silence terrified they would lose Merlin and Arthur.

They refused to listen to Merlin when he pointed out that both Arthur and himself was fine and _sitting right there_ beside them.

They kept looking back at Merlin in awe when he used magic in his sleep to protect Arthur who was miles and miles away from him.

Lancelot instantly forgave Merlin when he watched the Gwen/Merlin kiss. After all it was not as if Merlin initiated the kiss and it was after a near death experience. Arthur was too busy staring at Merlin as if he was the only person in the room...not wait the world...not wait the only roast hog in the entire world.

Actually scratch that Merlin wasn't sure if Arthur was hungry yet.

"That was the first experience I had of good magic," Arthur said softly, "it was all pure and soft and safe...and it was you. It was you."

"Erm...yeah," Merlin mumbled wondering where this was going.

"I forgive you," Arthur said, "for lying about your magic. I forgive you."

"Oh, oh, erm, great, that's good, that's really good," Merlin babbled.

"Idiot," Arthur snorted fondly.

"Prat," Merlin shot back.

"Boys," Gwen and Morgana muttered rolling their eyes at the stupidity of all things male. Honestly, what was wrong with giving one another a hug at moments like this?

"I'll unban magic once we get out," Arthur promised, Merlin raised a pointed eyebrow, "Erm...I mean once I'm king."

"What?" Morgana squawked. "You'll unban magic for Merlin but not for me? I'm your sister!"

"Merlin has never tried to kill Father, me, or destroy the kingdom. You only just made magic look bad," Arthur said pointedly.

Merlin fully relished the silence from Morgana for the next hour or so as they proceeded to watch the episode 'Lancelot'.

There wasn't much reaction to Lancelot's introduction to Merlin's life. Gwaine muttered darkly about Lancelot's dream of being a knight, then cheered Merlin on for his forgery, then moaned longingly at the party ("why didn't I get one when I was knighted?" "because I wanted my castle to stay intact, Gwaine"), booed at Uther, and then finally declared that Lancelot was too bloody noble for his own good and the only person more noble than him is Merlin.

Leon merely commented on how Lancelot's ceremony was a good party while the others didn't have much to say.

Though Gwen felt her cheeks heat up as she kept thinking how good looking Lancelot was, especially in that orange tunic she had made for him, she wondered what happened to it, maybe she should make him an orange shirt for Christmas...

Her thoughts were interrupted as Arthur complained about being hungry and she and Merlin set off to make some lunch.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

The cultured well mannered people in the room where horrified with the others eating manners, which basically meant Gwen and Lancelot sat there with their mouths open in shock, Merlin looked rather disgusted, and Gaius sighed wondering if he had to teach etiquette once again as the Knights, Arthur, and Morgana ate like rabid savages tearing at the meat and fighting for the last morsel.

It is unnecessary to say Merlin almost didn't get to eat if it hadn't been for Lancelot rescuing an apple, some bread, and a little bit of ham for him.

Gwen who had known Morgana to have fine manners was even more horrified than others. She later decided it was obvious that living out in the wild alone had turned Morgana a little crazy.

After the men (barring Lancelot, Merlin, and Gaius) had a belching competition they sat back to watch more of Merlin.

Morgana and Gwen had forgotten the fact they were on opposite sides and spent most of the episode cuddling as they watched Morgana in a comatose situation. Morgana was upset that a magic user would use magic on her like that but then decided it was all Uther's fault and started to hate her biological father more so for it.

Arthur groaned and moaned at his own stupidity while all the knights howled in anger on Gaius' behalf.

Gaius felt rather pleased with himself that he had this much respect from the younger generation. Now if only they would show this respect when he tells them to stop drinking, listen to him, and _put that down now_ Gwaine.

The anger disappeared into hysterical laughter as they watched Arthur be enchanted to love Sophia. The terrible attempts of being subtle topped with Merlin's terrible attempts to lie to Uther made the whole scenario hilarious to watch.

"How can you be so dreadful at lying and yet hide the truth so well?" Leon asked.

"You're a bunch of idiots," Merlin said with a shrug, "every time I tell you the truth you all shrug it off as a joke or something. If I told you the amount of times I used magic right before you and you just brush it off as something else, like a concussion."

"Ah, fair enough," Leon shrugged. It took him two minutes to fully realise what Merlin just said. "Hang on; did you just call me an idiot?"

"Hush!" Merlin hissed as he watched Arthur's face turn deadly pale as he realised one of his girlfriends was trying to kill him.

Ignored by everyone Morgana was remembering how much she actually loved Arthur – in a purely platonic way, she had always seen him as her brother and her heart had always belonged to herself – and how worried she had been about him drowning. She thought about repenting for a moment after all Arthur said he'll unban magic and if she did lots of good work she could return to her old room, have her lovely silk dresses back, eat wonderful food regularly, and preferably not have creepy Agravaine eyeing her up. But then she shook her head and reminded herself that she had been betrayed over and over again and it was all for the best.

She resolved herself to evilness when it turned out Gaius had been lying to her for all her life.

The sniggering soon turned to disgust once they watched how committed Uther was to killing Mordred. The small little druid boy looked like he was the love child of Merlin and Morgana (they spent five minutes screaming at Gwaine when he had made the suggestion) and everyone couldn't help but feel a little protective over him.

Until it turned out that he was prophesied to kill Arthur.

But even then Gwen kept a firm stance about not killing the little boy. "It sounds awfully like a self-fulfilling prophecy," She said firmly, "that Dragon is making Merlin do something to Mordred which will make the little boy angry with him and do something back, most likely kill Arthur since Merlin loves him so much."

"I do not!" Merlin shouted, his cheeks heating up again.

"There's nothing going on between us!" Arthur agreed with equally bright red cheeks.

Everyone snorted and decided not to comment on the fact they were protesting a bit _too_ much. Gwen glared at the TV screen while she may or may not love Arthur as much as she had once thought she had that didn't mean she appreciated the Dragon trying to fix Merlin and Arthur up almost every episode.

At the end of the episode Merlin was trying to hide behind Gwaine as Morgana shot him the most deadly look ever.

The trying to kill Merlin via glare was interrupted when Nimueh returned onto the screen again only this time summoning the dead.

The knights sniggered at Merlin's sock comment before the dead knight came crashing in and challenge the whole hall. Arthur's forgiveness given earlier on quickly vanished when he found out that Merlin didn't just lie about his magic.

"You lied about my birth too?"

"I'm sorry!"

"Sorry isn't good enough! I thought Morgause was an evil lying bitch because of you! I thought my father was a victim! I continued to believe magic was evil because I thought a sorceress had manipulated me into attempting to murder my _own_ father!"

"She was manipulating you! It just happened to be the fact she was right!"

"Shut up, Merlin!" Arthur roared. "I don't want to talk to you, in fact I don't want to hear you even speak for the rest of the day, and I definitely don't want you to look at me with those puppy dog eyes."

"But Arthur, it's the puppy dog eyes!" Gwaine protested with a gasp.

Arthur merely glared at Gwaine as well before returning to the screen. Merlin felt dreadful and severely desired to set Morgana's hair on fire since she was smirking at him with that horrible smug ugly smirk she always used. The others watched in fear whenever the knight was on screen, awe when Merlin produced the most powerful sword ever, and disbelief when he threw it in a _lake_ of all things.

Arthur felt his anger at Merlin ebbing away when they watched Hunith being attacked. He puffed his chest out in pride as all the knights complemented him on how noble and just he was acting in his attempts to save Merlin's childhood village from bandits. Morgana quickly deflated him with a few snide jabs causing the knights to glare at her. Arthur, Gwen, Morgana, and Merlin spent most of the episode staring wistfully at the screen as they remembered the fun times they had had in those first couple years when they were all very good friends.

Pity Morgana had to turn to the dark side.

Pity Merlin was a backstabbing liar, Arthur was an arrogant buffoon, and Gwen was a lovesick serving girl.

Gwaine had declared himself as Will's new best friend when he watched Will completely disrespect Arthur and the entire nobility.

Everyone was in awe at how powerful Merlin was when he created his little twister of wind and then everyone was suddenly rather depressed as they watched Will die in Merlin's arms.

Merlin had taken to crying into Gwen's shoulder and Arthur found his last shreds of anger evaporate.

Goddaminit! He can never stay mad at Merlin, it isn't fair!

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

After Merlin had sobbed his heart out on not only Gwen's shoulder but Lancelot's chest, Gwaine's stomach, and in a little manly group huddle with Elyan, Leon, and Percival Gaius wondered if he should do something about his ward's rather slutty ways while he was cooking dinner.

A meagre stew later with a now laughing Merlin who had been thoroughly cheered up by Gwaine they returned to watching the TV.

The unicorn episode resulted with a lot of respect being given to both Arthur and Merlin although there had been a lot of teasing on how pure and virginal Merlin was as well as how stubborn and stupid Arthur is.

Arthur retaliated by threatening them all with hard training and Merlin just told them just because they were all man-whores didn't mean he had to be.

Gaius really wished he had some sort of device to capture everyone's facial expression after that comment.

Morgana sent dark looks at Arthur and Merlin for giving her and Gwen rat stew and by the looks of Gwen's facial expression the pair of them were also in the doghouse with her.

Then it was the episode where Morgana had first attempted to have Uther murdered. Elyan spent the whole episode looking down at his hands as he thought about his father and his regrets and bitterness. Gwen spent the episode burying her head into Lancelot's chest as he held her and stroked her hair lovingly as she wept for her father's death. The others insulted Morgana and got insulted back while Merlin and Gaius shifted uneasily at the accusing stares of hiding too much from everyone.

The last episode of the series was horrific.

It was a nightmare for everyone to see Arthur at near death. Quite a few of the knights found the walls very interesting all of the sudden as they tried to hide their tears and Morgana couldn't quite bring herself to be smug and tell Arthur 'I told you so' as she remembered every sickening moment of those two days. Gwen felt her cheeks flush as she realised this was the time her feelings for Arthur were starting to grow.

It becomes even more horrific when Merlin is offering to exchange his life in favour for Arthur's.

Merlin barely had time to press pause on the remote when he was suddenly tackled to the ground by Arthur who was quite good at strangling as Morgana was.

"Never. Ever. Do. That. Again. Got. It?" he hissed out each word between gritted teeth.

"Can't...if...you...kill me...prat," Merlin gasped.

It took Lancelot and Gwaine to pull Arthur off of Merlin but at that point it wasn't quite strangling and more like awkward secret hugging.

But don't tell the others it's a secret.

For the rest of the episode Arthur sits right up close to Merlin to the point where Merlin kept being nudged every time Arthur even slightly moved his elbow.

Everyone including Morgana was upset when Hunith appeared near death in the middle of the night.

They were even more upset when Merlin makes his awkward goodbyes to Arthur as he prepares to die in his mother's place.

Everyone but Morgana was outwardly upset when it looked like Gaius died.

And then everyone was absolutely horrified and impressed when Merlin suddenly exploded Nimueh into little pieces via a lightning storm and using the rain to save Gaius' life.

Gwaine whistled low and loud. "Remind me to never piss you off," he said impressed.

Morgana sort of made fish faces and kept swallowing. She counted herself lucky that Merlin hadn't reached to that breaking point yet with her and decided to try not to antagonise him as much as she used to.

The others were snapped out of their surprise at Merlin's last confrontation with the dragon and fully supported his anger before Gaius turned to TV off and ordered them to bed.

"But Gaius!" they all moaned like eight years old.

"Now!" Gaius snapped. "The earlier you got to bed, the earlier you'll wake up, and the sooner we can watch the rest of these and go home."

Though admittedly when he slept in his nice soft, firm, comfortable mattress with two soft pillows and a lovely thick duvet Gaius wasn't sure he wanted to go home back to his saggy ragged cot.

Gwen and Morgana were in a huge hurry to head back where they didn't have to share a room with one another. Lancelot couldn't wait to go back to his own private chamber and escape Gwaine's snores above him in the cramp bunk bed and Elyan's mumbling from his side of the room where Leon was farting like a trumpet above him and Percival was humming in his sleep for goodness sake!

Merlin wondered if it was considered normal that Arthur forced him to share a bed with him, clung to him tightly, and snored loudly in his ear.

Either way Merlin didn't get a good night sleep at all since every time he even tried to move Arthur would only hold on to him tightly and ask, "where are you going?"

Merlin really, really, really needed a holiday.


	32. The Terrifying Deadly Bath Monster V1

**Summary: **inspired by a certain behind the magic clip that involved Bradley, Colin, and a bath...

**Pairings: **implied Merthur with some Arthur/Gwen

Of all the jobs Merlin had to do for Arthur he was pretty sure drawing him a bath was one of the worst. It was a once a week job but it involved carrying a heavy tub and then hundreds of heavy buckets of water to fill said tub. While it was a relieve he didn't have to do it every day that didn't mean he could prepare himself Arthur never has a regular bath day and will always surprise Merlin when he wants one and sometimes he wants two or three baths a week when something special was happening.

Merlin had only just lugged the first two buckets up when he found Arthur rather naked in the chambers looking at him disapprovingly.

"You could at least wait until after I made the bath before you took your clothes off," Merlin muttered.

"I wouldn't have too if you made my bath in time," Arthur retorted.

"Well put some clothes on we don't want Gwen having a nasty surprise if she was to walk in right this second."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Merlin merely smirked and allowed Arthur to jump to his own conclusions while we moved to pour the water in the bath tub. He froze when he saw something crawling around on the bottom of the tub...it was big...it was hairy...it was terrifying.

He let out a high pitched scream before dropping the buckets.

"_Mer_lin! You clumsy clot, you do realise who have to clean that up, don't you?" Arthur snapped. His hard expression softens when he realised how pale and terrified Merlin looked. "What is it?"

"A...a...a...a...a...a," Merlin stuttered.

"Spit it out!"

Merlin shook his head and trembled before pointing to the bath tub. Arthur glanced down in the bath tub nervously wondering if it was some baby deadly magical beast or something. Instead it was much worse it was hairy...it was big...it was disgusting...it was terrifying...it was a-

"Spider!" he screamed. In a fairly similar high pitched girly scream as Merlin. He jumped as side and clung tightly into Merlin's soft purple wool tunic. "Get it out! Get it out!" he screamed into Merlin's ear.

Merlin clung just as tightly to him, his finger nails digging into Arthur's soft skin causing him to yelp in pain. "You get it out!" Merlin shouted in his face.

"You're the servant!"

"Yeah well you're the brave warrior prince as you always like to brag about. Show some of this bravery and get that monster out!"

The spider innocently crawled up the bath side and was now sitting on the very edge. Arthur and Merlin stared at it in wide eyed horror before they let out another scream and jumped on the bed clutching one another.

The door slammed open and Gwen ran in quickly, she grabbed hold of the bucket Merlin dropped and swung it up high in the air before swinging it down and...

_SPLAT!_

"Wimps," Gwen snorted in disdain as she went to clean the chambers.

Trying very hard to ignore the fact that Arthur was very naked.

It was needless to say once the thrill of the kill was over Gwen was only cleaning to hide the fact she was blushing.

Merlin clung tighter to Arthur as he watched Gwen mercilessly kill the spider. It was rather terrifying itself. Arthur however just stared dreamily at Gwen who just proven how brave and beautiful and amazing she was once again. He pictured her in tight revealing armour like a warrior princess and how they would both fight to dominate one another and...

"Ew! Arthur can't you wait until I'm out of the room?"

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"


	33. Gwen's Evil Revenge!

**Summary: **instead of forgiving Arthur Gwen decides to join the dark side. Fluff more than anything.

**Pairings: **platonic Morgana/Gwen implied Arthur/Gwen, Merthur, Gwen/Gwaine, Gwen/Lancelot, and Morgana/Lancelot, Gwen/Morgana/Knights of Camelot, one-sided Agravaine/Gwen, and one-sided Agravaine/Morgana.

When Morgana heard a knock on her cottage door she expected it was Agravaine coming to excitedly tell her some useless information before proclaiming his undying love to her. _Again. _She did not expect to find a tearful Gwen dressed in breeches, white shirt, and blue tunic topped with a green cloak to jump into her arms and sob into her shoulder.

"Arthur broke up with me!" she wailed.

"And?" Morgana asked coolly.

"The only reason I was loyal to him was because we loved one another but now he has dumped me for being inappropriate."

"There's no reason to cry over that," Morgana said trying to pull Gwen off of her, "He was practically doing that every day when Uther was still alive."

"Yes that is a point," Gwen sighed heavily, "but then three weeks ago he had been wrestling with Merlin half naked in the middle of a council session. So I think I am only inappropriate because I don't have a penis."

Morgana bit her lip to prevent herself from squealing in sheer joy. She had to remind herself that she was no longer the bubbly, brightly coloured dressed, well made up, clean fan girl and beloved ward as she had once been. She was now the black wearing, very cool, slightly dirty, evil witch and ready to be Queen of Camelot very soon.

"So you decided to come to me, what for?" Morgana asked keeping her composure, "actually how did you find me?"

"I followed Agravaine," Gwen admitted with a blush.

"You know he's on my side?"

"Morgana, he was so obviously evil that the only reason Arthur hasn't clicked on is because he's an idiotic prat," Gwen said patiently. "Though I don't understand why you chose him to be a spy, he's inadequate, obvious, and bloody creepy. He's always looking down my dress."

"Well since you've been seeing Arthur you had been a little slutty in your dresses," Morgana pointed out. "But I will admit that Agravaine creeps me out and is a waste of space. I'll get rid of him if you're going to be my loyal friend again though I will want a magical oath from you first."

"I willingly swear it," Gwen said solemnly.

Morgana eyed her suspiciously, "What about Elyan, Leon, and Merlin?"

"Merlin and I haven't been friends since he spends every waking moment with the knights. Leon hasn't forgiven me for making him dress up like a girl in front of Arthur, and Elyan had made it rather clear that he is loyal to Arthur first and his sister tenth in the scale of things. Besides with Lancelot dead I do not think I can love again."

Morgana takes her hands and smiles properly for the first time since Uther married a troll. "Then I shall accept you with all my heart. We shall rule together and make all those men regret burning us like they had."

"Oh Morgana!" Gwen cried out hugging her properly.

She had missed this female company. After Morgana's turn to the dark side Gwen had been made uncomfortably aware of how all her friends were men who were more loyal to Arthur than her. never mind the fact she was Merlin's first real friend in Camelot or grew up with Leon and Elyan or was Gwaine's romantic interest once or even the fact she mends Percival's shirts. So now having a woman to sympathise about period pains (Merlin looked horrified and the others had screamed when she brought it up with them), discuss clothes with (Merlin kept bringing up the fact he. Does. Not. Cross-dress to her every single time she tried), and giggle over good looking boys (Merlin gets tight-lipped and the others just teased her).

Meanwhile Morgana loved having a maid in her life again. Oh all right she loved having Gwen in her life again too, the friendship, companionship, and adoration she had missed greatly. However the fact Gwen had immediately moved to clean the cottage, then cook a fantastic meal out of nothing, and then gave Morgana a bath, washed her hair, and giving it a hair cut before passing Morgana her cloak as she washed Morgana's sole dress and then the pair of them cuddled under the bed covers whispering their plots and little secrets and just as Gwen was near sleep Morgana whispered her love and how much she missed her best friend.

Gwen smiled softly. "I missed you too," she confessed.

Needless to say when Arthur won the war and Agravaine came grovelling back Morgana killed him right there and then with a fire spell. They then moved in quickly, kicked Arthur out of Camelot, won over all the female population's loyalty, unbanned magic, and turned the Knights of Camelot into their harem and lived happily ever after.

Oh all right not too happily ever after until Morgana used Morgause's gift to bring Lancelot back from the dead and Gwen decided to share the sexy man with her.

Somewhere far away there was some sort of rebellion force but they weren't too worried about it since it only consisted of Arthur and Merlin.

"I don't understand," Arthur muttered bitterly as Merlin prodded at the weak fire, "Why is everyone supporting Morgana now?"

"Because the dark side now has Gwen," Merlin said wisely.


	34. The Terrifying Deadly Bath Monster V2

**Summary: **a different type of monster is in the bath tub.

**Pairings: **Merthur and Gwen/Arthur fully implied.

Of all the jobs Merlin had to do for Arthur he was pretty sure drawing him a bath was one of the worst. It was a once a week job but it involved carrying a heavy tub and then hundreds of heavy buckets of water to fill said tub. While it was a relieve he didn't have to do it every day that didn't mean he could prepare himself Arthur never has a regular bath day and will always surprise Merlin when he wants one and sometimes he wants two or three baths a week when something special was happening.

Merlin had only just lugged the first two buckets up when he found Arthur rather naked in the chambers looking at him disapprovingly.

"You could at least wait until after I made the bath before you took your clothes off," Merlin muttered.

"I wouldn't have too if you made my bath in time," Arthur retorted.

"Well put some clothes on we don't want Gwen having a nasty surprise if she was to walk in right this second."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Merlin merely smirked and allowed Arthur to jump to his own conclusions while we moved to pour the water in the bath tub. He froze when he saw something crawling around on the bottom of the tub...it was big...it was hairy...it was terrifying.

He let out a high pitched scream before dropping the buckets.

"_Mer_lin! You clumsy clot, you do realise who have to clean that up, don't you?" Arthur snapped. His hard expression softens when he realised how pale and terrified Merlin looked. "What is it?"

"A...a...a...a...a...a," Merlin stuttered.

"Spit it out!"

"There's a gigantic mutant ball of your hair in there!" Merlin screeched. "What is _wrong _with you?"

"_Me?_ It's your job to clean my bath tub!" Arthur shouted.

"Why me?" Merlin wailed.

"Because you're my servant!"

"Well it's your stupid hair!" Merlin looked back at the mutant hair ball and shuddered. "I think it just moved."

"Don't be ridiculous _Mer_lin," Arthur snorted.

"I'm not the one being ridiculous you're the one being unnaturally unconcerned with the fact you're losing your hair to a giant ball."

The next thing Merlin knew he was looking at the stone floor as he struggled to fight a very naked Arthur off of him. The wrestling continued for a good few minutes and would have kept going on until one of them gave in or died of exhaustion.

However the door slammed opened and Gwen stormed in she picked up a bucket, held it high up in the air, before bringing it down hard on Merlin's head.

"Hands off of my boyfriend, bitch," she hissed as Merlin collapsed on the floor.

Arthur merely just stared at her in horror.

The mutant giant hairball trembled in fear.


	35. Much Ado About Merlin

**Summary:** I couldn't resist to Merlin-ise some classic Shakespearean plays. It was something I did with the Casson Family series a year and a half ago. It's mostly crack but there is some angst there.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Gwen/Morgana, Elyan/Morgana, Morgana/Lancelot, Gwen/Lancelot, Leon/Percival/Gwaine, Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Gwen, Morgana/Merlin, one-sided Agravaine/Gwen, and Gaius/his bed.

**Twelfth Night:**

Arthur sat down and rubbed his temples. Never before had he had such a terrible headache but then again ever since Merlin came into his life it had been one headache after another. first the assassination attempts, conspiracies, magical beasts, and sorcerers to fight, then there was his terrible attempts to woo the Lady Morgana who is in mourning for her father, then he also has to battle daily with his strange romantic feelings for his male servants, and now there is this terrible weird doppelganger thing going on with his new manservant Gareth.

"Elyan!" Gareth cried out.

"Gwen!" cried out...err Gareth number two.

Morgana's mouth dropped open and Arthur was amazed to see her look so dumb. She usually won any battle of the wits and embarrassed everyone with her sharp tongue. They had just been arguing about why she wouldn't accept his hand in marriage when she revealed she had married Gareth, his trusted manservant (though never more trusted than Merlin). All of a sudden the three pirates Lancelot, Percival, and Gwaine entered on the scene quickly followed by his Captain of the Guard Leon who was trying to arrest them. It all got confusing when Gareth number two appeared on the scene apologising to Morgana for wounding Agravaine.

The two doppelgangers embraced warmly before number two pulled the moustache and hair of number one revealing a very beautiful alluring woman.

Arthur's headache may have just increased as everyone dropped their mouths open. "I suppose this settles it, Gareth...Erm...I mean...what is your name?"

"Guinevere, my lord, and I apologise for the deception but I had to protect myself while make an honest good living. I hope we can continue to be friends, please call me Gwen," Gar- err _Guinevere _babbled.

"Right," Arthur said decisively. "Morgana can remain happily married to Guinevere's brother while I marry Guinevere myself, and this pirates are obviously good swordsmen and therefore I'll make them my knights, and everyone lives happily ever after."

"What about me?" Merlin asked.

"You can clean my socks, muck out the stable, make me a bath, give me a message, and make me a headache tonic and then tomorrow-"

"I meant my happy ending, prat!"

"You're a servant, that is your happy ending," Arthur said confused.

"You're such a clotpole!" Merlin snapped before storming off.

"I don't want to be married to Elyan!" Morgana wailed much to the very awkward and nervous Elyan's relief. He didn't want to be married to Morgana; he only did it because she had a high heel to his throat. "I want to be married with Gwen!"

"Well I can't be without a wife!"

"Don't be selfish Arthur!"

"Me? You're the one-"

Gwen and Elyan decided to leave Camelot and find their fortune elsewhere. Happy to be together after believing they were dead and enjoying a satisfying life with Lancelot who tagged along (he was in love with the real Gwen...well later he was) and eventually Elyan settled down with a nice girl. Gwaine, Leon, and Percival decided to have some fun together in the tavern, Merlin was using magic to muck out the stables, and Gaius interrupted Arthur's and Morgana's bickering by entering the room dressed in yellow stockings.

"..."

"What? I hear they are the latest fashion in France."

**Romeo and Juliet:**

Gaius was really trying to not celebrate or roll his eyes while Uther wept and wailed over his dead son's body. It wasn't that he didn't like Arthur, in fact, he loved the boy he practically raised as his own, but Arthur had taken to being a star-crossed lover to Merlin and it irritated the pair of them to no end

"_Mer_lin, _Mer_lin, where art thou _Mer_lin?"

"GO TO SLEEP ARTHUR!"

Of course, with Arthur's regular interrupting everyone's sleep with terrible attempts to woo Merlin, Uther caught on (he isn't _that_ stupid) and banished Merlin from Camelot (because everyone wanted their sleep and Uther is a vindictive spiteful brat when he's grumpy) and decided to marry Arthur off to Princess Elena (properly this time, with a sword at his son's throat if necessary). Arthur desperate to escape this marriage and be with Merlin (to do what Gaius doesn't even want to _think_ about it) had badgered Gaius into helping him with an elaborate (i.e. stupid) plot of faking his death.

Obviously Arthur ignored him when he said the fake poison is the dirty sock smelling sludge like potion and decided to drink the sweet smelling pink potion that was really a poison. So now Uther was crying over his dead son and Gaius wondered if he had to kick the king out so he can have his nap on time.

Merlin suddenly bursts through the door, somehow overhearing that Arthur is dead (Gwen probably told him, the old gossip), and decided to stab himself right there and then, dying slowly on his floor.

Gaius would be more distraught but he hadn't had a good night sleep for three months and decided just to let Merlin bleed out on his floor. After all, his new apprentice could prove their worth by scrubbing the blood out of the wooden floorboards.

Unfortunately it was truly a tragedy because the moment the Great Slash Dragon found out he burned Gaius' bed and eyebrows for ruining Merthur.

**Hamlet:**

"Arthur," a ghostly whisper echoed in the room, "Arthur...Arthur...Arthur."

Arthur sat up holding his sword and glaring. "I swear to god, Merlin, if you're under my bed again I will behead you right here and now."

"Why would your idiot of a manservant be under your bed?" a dry voice asked.

Arthur turned deadly pale as a transparent image of his father sat beside him in his bed. He dropped the sword with a loud clatter and let out a horrific scream.

"Arthur shut up!" Uther yelled. "You're not a little girl you are a great and mighty King."

"Sorry Father," Arthur mumbled meekly.

"Arthur I am here for one reason and one reason only. I need you to avenge me."

"I will hunt down that old sorcerer with all my men," Arthur said eagerly.

"What? That old man didn't kill me it was that necklace Agravaine put on my neck; it reverses all healing spells and makes them deadly curses. I want you to put that fat black robed git on the stake and burn him for me."

Arthur blinked. "Father I think being dead has done something to your head. Uncle would never hurt me."

Uther snorted. "Your manservant is right, you are an idiot," he then suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Deciding it was all a dream Arthur rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next day when he mentioned dreaming about his Father being in bed with him Merlin suddenly went on about sexual abuse.

What an idiot.

**Macbeth:**

Nimueh, Morgana, and Morgause huddled around the bubbling cauldron on their stove. They were dressed in clingy, long, flouncy sleeved, black dresses and matching pointed hats. They shared an amused look before throwing their heads back and cackling.

"Double, double toil and trouble," they began to chant in unison. "Fire burn and caldron bubble. Fillet of a fenny snake, In the caldron boil and bake; Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, - For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble."

They let out another cackle only for it to be interrupted by the door slamming open and a loud thump on the floor.

"See!" Mordred shouted. "This is why I can't have friends over!"

**Othello:**

Arthur stared horrified at his hands. He looked up and saw Merlin stare back at him equally horrified. He was so pale, paler than usual, white as a ghost with tear tracks down his marble cheeks. Arthur felt his own cheek and realised he too was crying.

He looks down at the floor where Guinevere laid on the floor, her deep purple dress making a silk puddle on the floor and revealing some of her fine shaped legs that he had never really seen in life. Her beautiful brown eyes were dull and lifeless and her sweet soft lips were opened in a permanent shocked expression.

Lancelot sat beside her motionless, lifeless, and expressionless.

The sword stained with Guinevere's blood fell to the floor with a clatter.

Agravaine laughs coldly as he orders Lancelot's arrest and for someone to get rid of the body.

What has Arthur done?

**Taming of the Shrew:**

"I have decided," Uther said solemnly to his Court at a banquet, "that while it is necessary and important for my son to marry I will not consent to any sort of marriage of his until his younger sister – err I mean his foster sister, my ward, the Lady Morgana is tamed and married herself."

"What?" Morgana shrieked.

"Therefore any man is allowed to woo her and tame her and preferably take her to a great estate far away from here."

Any man that might have entertained the thought of marrying Morgana gulped at the furious look on Morgana's face and decided they were much better off with a nice daughter of a knight or nobleman.

Arthur remained single the entirety of his life but that was all right because Merlin didn't count.

**Much Ado about Nothing:**

"Arthur-"

"Merlin-"

"I have to talk to you-"

"I need to speak to you-"

"Look I know you're in love with me."

"I know I'm handsome and everything but you can't be in love with me."

"What?"

"Merlin I'm not in love with you...I mean I like you very much...when you're not being annoying and slacking off from your chores."

"Arthur I think you're an arrogant, selfish, idiotic, prat, why on earth would I be in love with you?"

"Well that's not very nice! I happen to be a very handsome, well mannered, intelligent, witty, good-humoured, selfless, noble King, who wouldn't be in love with me? Morgana and Gwen were very certain you were in love with me."

"There you go again! Being arrogant! Hang on, Morgana and Gwen said I was in love with you?"

"Yes I did just say that, you're awfully slow today, Merlin."

"Morgana and Gwen were the ones who said you were in love with me!"

"..."

"..."

"Merlin let's get our own back on them by pretending to be a couple!"

"Can't we just apple pie their beds?"

"Stop whinging and kiss me."

"Wha- hmph!"

**Richard III:**

"For the last time my uncle isn't evil nor is he trying to usurp my throne!" Arthur shouted.

Gwen, Gaius, and Merlin all rolled their eyes at this. They had decided to work together and give Arthur an intervention on his blind stupid loyalty to the Uncle he never knew until recently. However Arthur just proved to be as stupid as before as well as a stubborn ass and wouldn't listen to them.

"Arthur I saw him with Morgana," Merlin said exasperatedly.

"You're delusional."

"Arthur he keeps looking at my cleavage," Gwen said hoping to turn Arthur against his uncle through jealousy.

"Wear less revealing dresses."

Merlin face palmed, Arthur might not have realised it but he just implied that Gwen was a lady of the night and that meant she wasn't going to talk to him for a very long time, which meant Merlin has to put up with all the moaning and whinging.

"He conspired against me!" Gaius said indignantly.

"He made a valid logical argument."

Gwen, Merlin, and Gaius all snorted and mutually decided in telepathic means that Arthur should have a vomit inducing potion tonight.

"He wears black!" Merlin shouted desperately.

"He's a widower!" Arthur protested.

Agravaine ran past them, he was very late for his top secret meeting with Morgana, and he couldn't find a horse.

"A horse!" he shouted. "A horse for my kingdom!"

Everyone shot Arthur a pointed look.

"Now you're just being silly."

**Midsummer Night's Dream:**

The spirits of the forest were highly amused. First the Queen of Camelot ran off with Sir Lancelot, followed by the great warlock Merlin who hoped to persuade Guinevere – or rather Gwen has he called her – to return to Arthur, only for him to be ambushed by Morgana who wanted her revenge. The Fairy King and Queen were at odd ends and their servant Puck accidentally ruined the King's plan to humiliate his wife by using the love juice on all of them.

Now Lancelot was in love with Morgana, Morgana was in love with Merlin, and Merlin was in love with Gwen and they were all chasing each other in a great big circle around a tree.

Sitting against the tree sulking was the King Arthur himself who for some reason was sporting a pair of donkey ears and every time he spoke he brayed like a donkey.

The spirits of the forest only wished they had popcorn for this show.


	36. Watching Merlin Part 2

**Summary: **Merlin and the gang are now watching series two of Merlin

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, Merthur, Morgana/Merlin, Merlin/Freya, Arthur/Vivian, Uther/Troll, friendship Gwen/Morgana, implied Morgana/Lancelot/Gwaine/Percival/Leon/Elyan, parental Gaius/the knights/Gwen/Merlin/Morgana/Arthur, Arthur/chicken, everyone/shower, and oh did I mention Morgana/Merlin?

The next morning started with a fight over an invention called the shower. Gaius had discovered it first and introduced it to Merlin who was in a severe need of a wash. Gwen and Morgana had then taken over it spending half an hour each washing their hair by the time Arthur was allowed in there was a fight between himself and the Knights to get in first.

Of course Lancelot snuck in while Arthur, Gwaine, Elyan and Leon were wrestling for it while Percival decided it was better if he waited till the evening to have a shower.

The result was the four men stank of sweat as Lancelot used up all the hot water.

Arthur and Gwaine sulked terribly as everyone happily ate their fruit for breakfast and sat down for series two.

The more recent residents of Camelot jumped at the loud drilling noise and winced as they watched Merlin and Arthur bicker.

"Good Lord," Percival said quietly, "how on earth were you all able to sleep through that?"

"We didn't," Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, Gwen, Gaius, and Leon said darkly. They all shuddered as they remembered the sleepless nights and cranky mornings and yet it had to take an evil super-powerful sorcerer to get Uther to stop drilling.

They watched in silence (minus a couple gasps when Gaius almost got shot and then revealed who was buried beneath Camelot) up until Cedric came up on the scene. Slowly but surely each and every member in the room was shooting Arthur glares. Even Leon although he had been there at the time.

What can he say? Merlin wormed his way into his heart.

"I don't like that little weasel," Gwaine muttered glaring at Cedric.

"Join the club," Merlin hissed darkly.

They all laughed when Merlin called Arthur a clotpole and cheered when Merlin tackled Cedric and wrestled with him. They paled when Cedric got possessed by Cornelius and some shuddered as Camelot descended into darkness and chaos. Gwaine wolf-whistled a blushing Gwen when they witnessed her tackling Arthur to the ground while Elyan and Lancelot scowled. They all ended up staring at a blushing Merlin in awe when they saw him turn down the offer of ruling the world in favour of washing Arthur's socks.

"Seriously Merlin," Gwaine carried on, "_Arthur's socks_ or having people wash yours and you _willingly_ chose the former?"

They sniggered for the last couple minutes as Arthur apologises to Merlin and Gaius questions the insult clotpole. Their good mood carried on throughout the whole of the second episode as they laughed at Arthur's indignation, Leon's fluster, the awkwardness and arrogance of Sir William, and at the poor suffering of Merlin. They told Arthur off for his rudeness towards Gwen and cheered the girl as she told Arthur off herself on the screen. They all burst out in hysterical laughter seconds later.

"Arthur," Gwaine gasped clutching his ribs, "What the hell are you doing to that poor chicken?"

Arthur decided not to comment. Instead he decided that he liked red so much he'll make his face bright red in embarrassment and hit Merlin in the shoulder to shut him up.

His embarrassment grew as everyone jeered at him when he romantically, tenderly, softly kissed Gwen. He decided to relive the experience with Gwen when the others were distracted by Merlin's breakdown, an assassin, and Merlin saving his life...again.

All the good feeling in the room left the moment episode three began and Morgana on screen set fire to her bed curtains.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

"Die you bastard!"

Merlin ducked behind Arthur in time to miss the shoe Morgana threw at him. With an enraged scream Morgana leaped to attack Merlin when Gwen (rather bravely the very terrified men had thought) grabbed hold of her by the waist and pulled her back into a cuddle.

"Morgana take a nice deep breath and relax," Gwen instructed her sweetly, "let all that anger go."

"He lied to me just because a flipping giant lizard told me I'll be evil!" Morgana screeched.

"You are evil!" Arthur protested as he tried to get away from Merlin.

He really didn't want to be Merlin's human shield right this moment.

"Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy, dimbat?" Morgana said coolly. Instantly Arthur felt like a bit of dirt on the bottom of her shoe, stupid and worthless. "By listening to that oversized snake who wants Merlin to jump into bed with you (lord knows why, he can do better), Merlin has isolated me and pushed me into the arms of those who are willing to help but at a price. He has made me this way not me."

"Like your pride, resentment, and bitterness had nothing to do with it," Merlin muttered darkly.

"I'll have your balls on my wall!" Morgana shouted as she struggled against Gwen.

"Morgana, would you like me to brush your hair?" Gwen asked in her sweet voice.

"Huh?"

Everyone was confused now. Gaius was getting a headache.

"I could braid it for you."

"Oh would you, Gwen?" Morgana asked cheerfully as she turned in Gwen's embrace and beamed at her.

The men let out a sigh of relief as Gwen led Morgana into the bedroom to find a hair brush and some ribbons.

"Cheer up, Merlin," Leon said with a wicked grin on his face, "you can bring her another bouquet of flowers and beg for her forgiveness."

"Yeah," Percival snickered, "you'll win her love again."

"Oh shut up!"

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

They were mostly quiet for the next couple hours. Morgana hummed contently as Gwen did her hair for her (something she had missed greatly) as she tried to ignore how upset her past self was on the TV screen while Lancelot kept his eyes trained on his feet as Arthur glared daggers at him. The others weren't quite sure what to say or do other than laugh when Merlin knocked out the guards' mid-way through the fourth episode. During the fifth the tension remained though it was eased with the snorts, snickers, and scoffs as they watched Uther romance the Troll, Arthur accuse Merlin of being a peeping Tom, and Arthur's reactions to his new stepmother.

Gwaine couldn't stop laughing and making cracks at how good looking Arthur's and Morgana's new stepmother was.

If looks could kill or more accurately Morgana and Arthur had magic Gwaine would be a pile of ash by now.

Leon had taken to rocking back and forth completely traumatised as he was forced to relive the worst two weeks of his life. Percival gave him a very long comforting hug that made Gwen squeal in delight.

The others were just disgusted at how oblivious Uther is.

And then...

"AH!" Arthur screamed clinging to Merlin.

"My eyes!" Gwaine roared disgusted. "My poor virgin eyes!"

"I don't think any part of you is virginal Gwaine," Gaius muttered as he turned a faint green.

"Uther shouldn't be allowed to have sex let alone have sex with a Troll," Morgana groaned as she clutched her stomach. "I feel sick."

"Join the club," Elyan said lifting his head up from the bucket.

Quickly enough their disgust and horror turned into amusement as Merlin slid out from under Arthur's bed.

"And what exactly where you doing under there, Merlin?" Gwaine asked waggling his eyebrows. "Spying on Arthur as he undresses?"

"I don't need to spy on Arthur for that," Merlin scoffed. "He gets naked in front of me all the time."

"Merlin!"

Gaius wondered if he should buy all of these young men a chastity belt of some sort. Or better yet drug their food with some anti-erection potion. He was too young to worry about being a grandfather just yet.

"Oh my god!" Gwaine gasped. "Uther is _crying_, Uther has _feelings_, Uther is actually _human_."

"Shut up Gwaine," Arthur grumbled.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Gaius had never felt so loved before. Throughout most of the episode after lunch (not that many managed to eat as the memory of Uther and the Troll lingered in their minds) Gwen clung to Morgana and Arthur kept a tight hold over Merlin's wrist as that pathetic excuse of a Witch-finder interrogated the pair of them. The moment Aerdian had turned his eyes on to Gaius and threatened to expose Morgana and Merlin if he didn't turn himself in everyone shouted in outrage.

"You were protecting me?" Morgana asked in a quiet little girl's voice, her eyes wide and innocent.

"Of course I was my dear," Gaius said gently, "I love you as if you were my own child just as I love Merlin, Arthur, and Gwen."

"What about us?" Elyan asked as the other knights.

Gaius sighed. "I suppose you have all grown on me," he admitted, "like a fungus," he added under his breath.

"Aww! We love you to Gaius!" Gwaine cooed. "Group hug!"

Gaius found himself buried beneath several young people's bodies and really wished they would get off him since he found it highly difficult to breathe.

They soon fell off of him as they laughed hysterically when Aerdian coughed out a toad.

The next episode was an awkward silent one again. Gwaine was in the doghouse for commenting how sexy Morgause is and telling Merlin he sounds like a nagging mother. Arthur was scowling and Morgana felt confused since she wasn't sure what Morgause was playing at. Everyone gasped, horrified, as Arthur attempted to murder Uther and gave Merlin sympathetic smiles when he lied on Arthur's behalf.

"I forgive you Merlin," Arthur said sadly, "I understand now. You made a great sacrifice on my behalf."

Gwen moved over to give Arthur a comforting hug and both Gaius and Leon squeezed his should comfortingly.

Gwaine just snorted. "Uther's an idiot," he said loudly.

Somehow that didn't let him out of the doghouse.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

"It's been so long since I've seen her that I have almost forgotten how beautiful she is," Merlin breathed as she watched himself led Freya into the tunnels. "She's so beautiful."

Morgana scowled feeling rather conflicted. She hated Merlin for backstabbing her, poisoning her, and being a liar in general and yet throughout yesterday and today she had felt her heart skip a beat when he defended her or was nice to her and she almost blushed earlier when she saw him bring her that bouquet of purple and white wildflowers. Now she wanted to tear out this Freya's hair out and show Merlin who was the more beautiful out of the two of them. She had to keep reminding herself what a nasty little liar he is.

The Knights were too busy snickering at Merlin's jabs on Arthur's weight to notice and Gwen was staring at the screen in wonder. She honestly thought Merlin preferred men over women or was just useless at the whole courting thing.

"Oh Merlin, how romantic!" Gwen gasped as Merlin conjured a red rose. She turned to Arthur. "Why don't you do nice things like that for me?"

"Because I have Merlin to do them for me," Arthur said.

Gwen huffed and turned away from him. Lancelot looked at her adoringly and she couldn't help but blush she knew instantly it if she allowed him Lancelot would do romantic things like bringing her flowers, writing poetry to praise her, kiss her hand, and actually cook her dinner. She told herself off and reminded herself all the good things Arthur is...

"Way to go, Merlin!" Gwaine cheered as they watched Merlin kiss Freya.

Merlin blushed bright red and Morgana scowled even more.

They all laughed when Gwen and Arthur implied Merlin was a cross-dresser.

"So that's where that started," Lancelot said in between chuckles, "I was wondering what Arthur had meant when he said you liked dresses."

Merlin joined Morgana with the scowling.

"You would have made a very pretty girl Merlin," Gwaine said with a wink.

"Die," was all what Merlin said.

They watched slightly horrified as Freya turned into a magical beast and then confessed to Merlin the murder of a man who tried to assault her. their horror grew as they watched Arthur stab her in her cat-like form and Gwen out-right cried while the men were covering their tears with excuses and sniffles as Merlin carried Freya through the forest and to the Lake of Avalon as he sobbed over her body.

The real Merlin wept in Gwen's arms as she cried into his neck.

"I'm so sorry Merlin," Arthur whispered.

Merlin didn't say anything and they remained in silence as Merlin gave Freya a send off to be envious off and went back home depressed. The knights couldn't help but snort at how Arthur indirectly cheered Merlin up.

"I couldn't help but notice Merlin," Percival said with a light blush, "that you seem to be attracted to beautiful dark haired girls with powerful magic."

Merlin blushed, Morgana smirked, the Knights laughed, Gaius was pleased he now knew who to watch out for, Gwen giggled, and Arthur scowled.

"Then again that would make you rather narcissistic since you're an all powerful magical dark haired beauty yourself, eh Merlin?" Gwaine teased.

"Shut up Gwaine!"

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The mood picked up for the next episode as Arthur fell under the love spell and tried to romance Vivian who was, while a beautiful woman, a selfish, spoilt, little brat. They laughed at his exploits, Uther's exasperated reaction and how he turned to Merlin for help, and just at poor Merlin's helplessness throughout it all. They gave their sympathies to Gwen who smiled sadly at them all but she too couldn't help but laugh hysterically as Arthur on screen knocked on Vivian's door and said 'it's destiny, my love, destiny and...Chicken'.

"What is it with you and chicken?" Gwaine chortled. "Do you have some sort of chicken fetish?"

Everyone choked and laughed harder as Arthur plotted to make Gwaine's life a living hell.

They all wolf whistled a blushing Gwen as she and Arthur shared a very heated passionate kiss on screen. Well all of them apart from Gaius who was too sensible, Lancelot who was too jealous, and Morgana who just didn't want her best friend to have a romance with her brother.

They all snickered at Arthur's face and Vivian sighed longingly and called out for her love Arthur Pendragon as her father dragged her home.

"Merlin," Arthur moaned, "Why in god's name didn't you find a counter-spell?"

"I like to see you suffer," Merlin replied cheerfully.

The mood rapidly changed in the next episode as Morgana sunk into the sofa for the next hour as everyone shot her glares for betraying Camelot. They didn't so much mind her backstabbing Uther since Arthur was the only one who liked him but Camelot was her home and she had no problem to put the people in danger. Morgana became further upset when she found out Alvarr was merely using her and decided from now on she'll have romantic moments with one of Arthur's friends instead.

Apart from maybe Gwaine since he was such a man-whore and Lancelot since he was devoted to Gwen, and Leon and Percival since they were glaring at her with the most hatred. So that just left Elyan and Merlin.

And she didn't know much about Elyan so that really just left Merlin.

Bugger.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

In the second to last episode no one was quite sure what to make of it. It started with the typical villain waking up powerful magical force, then with Arthur and Merlin off on their own to save them all, and then they watched as Morgana met with Morgause only for Morgause to knock her out and cast a spell on her.

"Why are you on her side?" Percival blurted out. "She just betrayed you right there and then."

Morgana sat there feeling rather hurt and stunned. Percival was right, she had no memory of her beloved sister knocking her out and casting a spell on her. It hurt her that her sister would do that to her and it shocked her that her sister could actually do that to her.

They watched in silence as Arthur and Merlin rode back to Camelot and the newer knights let out horrified noises as they saw everyone was unconscious. The horror didn't last long, the moment Merlin suggested to dress Uther in a dress they all laughed.

"Trying to create a cross-dressing cult, are you Merlin?" Lancelot teased.

"I'm not a cross-dresser!" Merlin shouted.

"Sure you're not, Merlin," Leon said.

Merlin scowled and muttered darkly under his breath. This continued on throughout the revelation that Merlin had to kill Morgana to break the spell on Camelot. Everyone watched in horrified silence as Merlin slipped belladonna into the water and tricked a tearful frightened Morgana into drinking it. Arthur had bravely gone out into battle with no chance of coming back alive unless the spell was uplifted.

No one could blame Merlin for what he did as his TV self was crying and holding the panicked betrayed Morgana in his arms as he rocked back and forth.

They said nothing as Morgause appeared and Merlin bargained Morgana's life for Arthur's and Camelot's. They all sighed in relief when the spell was undone and Arthur was safe but shared worried looks as Morgause disappeared with Morgana in a gust of wind.

No one said anything about the Dragon being released by Merlin. It was so obvious it was going to happen since the beginning of the series and the moment the horrible lizard got Merlin to swear on Hunith's life no one could blame Merlin for doing it.

They didn't want to admit it but Lancelot, Gwaine, Percival, and Elyan had come to like the Morgana on the TV screen. She had been witty, kind, and a fantastic fighter. Meanwhile Gwen, Gaius, Arthur, Leon, and Merlin had all been reminded on what a good person she had been and they had their eyes opened to what she was suffering.

Morgana also had her eyes opened only she had hers opened to the suffering of Arthur and Merlin. She now realised it wasn't Merlin who betrayed her but Morgause and she now found someone who truly understood her in the wonderful man called Merlin. She felt guilty, of course she did, she had been horrible in the past year but right now she had something far more important to do.

"I forgive you Merlin," she said in a clear concise voice.

"Y-you do?" Merlin stuttered.

She smiled softly at his adorableness and nodded. "I do." She then stood up and made her way towards him.

Everyone watched this with a smile on their face they were expecting her to embrace Merlin and sit beside him for the finale.

They were shocked when she straddled Merlin instead and began to snog the living daylights out of him.

They were even more shocked when she grabbed hold of him by the collar and dragged him into the bedroom.

"HEY!" Arthur shouted as he snapped out of his stupor and ran towards the girls' bedroom. "We haven't watched the finale yet! Let Merlin go!"

"Oh _Mer_lin!" Morgana gasped through the bedroom door.

Arthur faltered to a stop. "Erm...on second thoughts we'll just wait till tomorrow," he mumbled.


	37. The World's Only Consulting Detective

**Summary: **Merlin has accidentally created a time hole and of course Sherlock just has to jump right through it.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, implied Merlin/Sherlock/Gwaine/Lancelot, and John/Sherlock.

Arthur was staring at the strange man Merlin had practically tackled on the ground. According to Gaius someone had left a time hole open in his rooms ("No Uther I did not do something as stupid like make it myself," Gaius snapped when Arthur's father had opened his mouth.) and this strangely attired man had walked through this time hole and had been wandering round the castle all day.

He was very tall, lean, and pale with dark hair and blue eyes. Just like Merlin although his manservant is a lot shorter, clumsy, and had brighter blue eyes. The stranger was dressed in the dark long robe of some sorts and also wore a neckerchief wrapped round his neck.

"Really _Mer_lin," the man said patronisingly. Arthur hated him already only he was to say Merlin's name like that. "There's no need to tackle me like one of those thick headed knights would."

"Sorry," Merlin mumbled, "I was trying to stop you from doing something stupid."

Everyone snorted, Merlin trying to stop someone who wasn't him from doing something stupid? That never happens or at least that never goes well.

Merlin slowly got up and helped the pouting man up who then brushed down his strange robes (they were a lot shorter than Gaius') and looked around.

"Oh I see," the man said.

"What do you see?" Uther asked getting rather irritated.

"Well for starters you're all a bunch of idiots. I can tell through the usual genetic facial features that the blonde boy and the dark haired girl that can't stop smirking are in fact siblings, half siblings, only one parent, most likely and the father since they had no idea until now going by those shocked expressions."

"F-father, is this true?" Arthur stuttered. He, himself, couldn't see any resemblance between Morgana and him. They did have light eyes but his were blue and hers were pale green.

"Oh don't ask him, he'll only deny it like he denied the fact he murdered your mother – and before you asked I paid attention to the gossip around here. It's obvious he feels guilty using magic to create you therefore he decided to outright attack magic not realising that his children are both magical."

"MY CHILDREN ARE NOT MAGICAL!"

The man rolled his eyes. "Denial is a very unattractive trait in any person let alone a narrow-minded, prejudice, guilty, old man. Your son is born of magic, he may not have any power but he can feel a connection to all those magical and is always conflicted on doing the right thing or doing what his father wants. Meanwhile your daughter is a seer and a witch, she's been plotting against you for about...oh how long has it been _Mer_lin?"

"A year and eight months," Merlin said.

"A year and eight months but I only know that because I listened to _Mer_lin. Something you should all do considering every magical plot has been thwarted by him since the moment he stepped foot in this place. Let's see, I know that Arthur is having sexual intercourse with his sister's maid going by the longing glances and blushes the pair of them have exchange for the past hour and half since I've been in this room. Sir Leon is obviously under an immortal spell, _Mer_lin had told me about everything he survived and I tested it by stabbing him in the heart, he just stood up and carried on."

Everyone turned to stare at Leon who was staring out at the window with a knife sticking out of his chest.

"Hmm...It appears _Mer_lin isn't the only one who has a mental affliction. I fear the many hits on his and perhaps the Prince's head have damaged the pair of them. Perhaps you should invest in better helmets, hmm? Gaius is obviously resenting Uther because he had tortured him and persecuted him and his friends many times but despite that the man is smart enough to continue serving the king and keep Camelot save from those who want to harm the non-magical world. It worries me that Gaius is the only one in this land that actually has a brain and uses it. _Mer_lin is the most powerful magical creature in all of time and yet he limits himself out of fear, fear of death, fear of being found out, fear of being corrupted like the Lady Morgana, fear of Gaius spanking him, and most importantly fear of accidentally blowing up the castle...again. you all just don't remember being homeless for a month while _Mer_lin learnt the necessary spells to rebuild the castle this is obviously not the original one since it has a mixed design from all the Medieval, Renaissance, Gothic, and Modern day architecture. Very good use of memory spells there _Mer_lin. _Mer_lin also has a habit of bringing half naked men home, I know this because when I woke up after being knocked out by _Mer_lin I was half naked in his bed and Gaius said something about a Lancelot and Gwaine. I can tell by Arthur's enraged expression now that he is jealous therefore his attachment to the maid is superficial as he is only using her to cover his romantic feelings for his manservant. Now moving away from what is obviously the biggest and most obvious secret in all of Camelot I shall move onto the third most obvious. This Lady, Morgana is it _Mer_lin? Yes, Lady Morgana, is obviously evil, she has been conspiring against you and resents all of you. She never stops smirking which makes me wonder if all of you need glasses to realise all of this. What I want to know is why a bastard female thinks she has a better claim to the throne than the legitimate elder son? Wouldn't it have been better if she had cultivated her brother's friendship and had become an advisor instead manipulating the policies to her own benefit?"

There was a deathly silence as Morgana's mouth dropped open. She didn't think of that.

"Obviously she is an airhead."

Uther now had enough. It was bad enough his own reputation and his son's reputation and his staff's had been dragged through the mud but now this man was insulting his precious little girl who is obviously not evil?

"THAT'S IT! GUARDS! SEIZE THIS MAN AND HAVE HIM BURNT AT THE STAKE!"

"How barbaric," the man said coolly.

"HAVE THIS MAN HANGED, BEHEADED, AND QUARTERED FIRST!"

_Bang!_

Everyone stared wide-eyed as Uther fell to the ground. A small blood stain was steadily growing at his chest.

The man rolled his eyes. "Honestly John, must you shoot everyone who tries to kill me?"

"Yes," a sandy-haired, plain-looking man said calmly. "Must you see some sort of time vortex and think 'oh I'm bored and that looks interesting, I'll just jump right in it'?"

"Of course. You weren't home to tell me something mundane, and I knew the moment you came home you knew I would have jumped in it and would have followed to make sure I cleaned up the mess I left in the kitchen sink."

"_What mess in the kitchen sink_?"

Arthur stared horrified at his dead father, then at his shocked half evil sister, then at his guilty and rather shocked manservant, and then to his dazed knight, uncaring physician, and rather jealous lover...

"GUARDS!" he shouted.

"John, now we are guilty for treason they have a legitimate reason to have us executed," the strange man said to his friend, "Let's run and find a way home and hopefully Mrs Hudson will make us some tea."

"She's not our housekeeper Sherlock."

"Never mind that just run!"

Merlin watched in awe as the two very strange men ran hand in hand avoiding Arthur's knights and guards artfully.

Morgana blinked. "I want to repent and become an advisor to you, Brother Dearest," she said sweetly.

"Not now Morgana!" Arthur said. "Where's my sword Merlin, you useless idiot?"

No one could find the two strangers and by nightfall Arthur had given up in order to grieve and bicker with Morgana. Gwen had gone off to write to Lancelot and Gwaine to get them to come home and Leon was too busy trying to get the knife out of his chest with Gaius' help. Merlin exhausted and determined to get rid of that time hole he created slunk off to bed.

Only to find John and Sherlock snogging on it.

"_Really_? Can't you two just go home?" Merlin whined.

"Don't listen to him, John; _Mer_lin is only jealous because Arthur hasn't done more than grab his shoulder. He reeks of sexual tension."


	38. The Worst Valentines Present EVER

**Summary: **Merlin has a not so secret admirer, Gwaine has too many girlfriends, Elyan is stuck with Leon and Gwaine, Tristan and Isolde are having problems, and Gwen doesn't like the fact Merlin is the one coming up with presents not Arthur.

**Pairings: **one-sided Gwaine/Everyone, Percival/OC, Gwen/Arthur, and implied Merthur, Merlin/Freya, Merlin/Lancelot, Tristan/Isolde, and Merlin/Secret Admirer.

Merlin woke up on the fourteenth of February to find Gaius wrestling with a giant plant. Honestly he just can't have a normal day at Camelot it was almost enough to make him run back home to do some boring farming, marry a third cousin of his and raise a normal family, while being the village idiot again.

Remember he only said almost.

A quick fire spell killed the plant and Merlin ran to help Gaius back up on his feet. "What on earth was that?" Merlin asked.

"Your Valentine's Day present," Gaius said dryly.

Merlin screwed his face up in disgust. "You brought me a present for Valentine's Day?"

"NO! Don't be stupid Merlin, obviously a powerful evil witch who has access to devil snare sent it to you in hopes it would strangle you in your sleep."

"You mean Morgana sent me flowers for Valentine's Day? Erm...why would Morgana send me flowers on Valentine's day?"

Gaius face palmed. "I give up," he muttered.

MMMMMMMM

Since it was the day of love Merlin knew Arthur and Gwen would be too busy in the bedchambers for at least half of the day and therefore he went to the tavern with Gwaine, Percival, Elyan, and Leon to celebrate the fact their King and Queen have been happily married for three months now.

Gwaine was boasting how he'll get the most Valentines since he was the sexiest knight of them all...and he had sent every good-looking girl a Valentine the night before.

As he was boasting about this several women marched up behind him and the Knights winced as they proceeded to beat the living shit out of Gwaine.

Merlin picked up the Valentines they dropped and read them. "Roses are red, violets are blue, you may not know it, but Gwaine totally digs you...Gwaine that's awful poetry," Merlin said to the heavily bruised and bleeding knight.

"It's terribly tacky to send the exact same thing to every girl in Camelot," Leon frowned.

In the far corner Percival was kissing a beautiful maid's hand and reciting a long sonnet he had written for her specifically.

"If I compared thee to a summer's day..."

"It's not fair!" Elyan whined. "How is it that _Percival_, of all people, can get the girl while I'm stuck with you losers?"

Leon and Gwaine shrugged while Merlin gulped down his drink and wiped his mouth. "Well I'm off, I have a date," he said cheerfully.

"What!" Elyan shouted. "Even _Merlin_ has a date while I'm stuck with you _two_?"

"Well ask her out!" Gwaine said pointing to a fiery beautiful redhead who was marching their way.

"Sir Gwaine?" she asked.

"Yes gorgeous?"

She slapped him so loudly that Leon and Elyan would swear they heard his cheekbone break.

MMMMMMM

Ok, Merlin lied. He wasn't on a date as such but he did pick some roses and tossed them in the lake before having a very long chat with Freya and Lancelot.

"I love you Freya," he whispered longingly, "and I love you Lancelot – not in a gay way! Just in a completely straight bromantic way, like with Arthur."

The ghostly apparition of Lancelot sighed. "Merlin that is the gay way," he said.

"Err..."

Freya giggled beneath the cool blue surface. "We love you too Merlin, now go before Arthur realises you're missing," she said sweetly.

Merlin sighed, "Ok, bye guys," he said giving them a wave.

"Bye Merlin! And thanks for the roses," they called back.

On his way back Merlin picked a variety collection of flowers to go with the poetry, sweetmeats, and jewellery he had written/cooked/brought throughout the weeks. Why Arthur couldn't remember to do all of this on his own he had no idea but goddaminit he was going to give Gwen the best Valentine's Day she ever had. Especially since last year she was the dirty little secret and only received a smile from Merlin reassuring her.

As he entered Camelot he found Tristan and Isolde fighting. After they had helped restore Arthur on the throne and witnessed his wedding Arthur had them married and made them knights on the round table. Gwaine has yet to learn not to hit on Isolde when Tristan is around but the other knights are in need of amusement.

"This is the worst Valentine's present I have ever had!" Isolde shrieked throwing down...erm some sort of leather vest...Tristan wasn't into bondage was he? "Do you not respect me as a warrior?"

"Of course not darling, I think you're the strongest, bravest, sexiest woman in the five kingdoms!" Tristan said desperately. Merlin never thought the scowling smuggler he had first met could be so...needy. "It's just you were stabbed twice in just as many days three months ago and I wanted to give you the best protection there is without having to throw myself in front of the next dagger."

"Oh Tristan!" Isolde cried out.

And they proceeded to snog right there and then.

Urgh.

Merlin really didn't need to see that.

"_Mer_lin there you are! Tell Gwen that I did remember and give her all those presents I asked you to look after."

Merlin sighed heavily and without saying anything bowed to Gwen while presenting her his large bouquet of flowers. "The rest are in my chamber," he said in a false cheerful voice.

Gwen just glared at Arthur coldly. "I know full well that this is all Merlin's doing and none of this came from you."

"Hey!" Merlin said feeling the need to defend Arthur. "At least you're being treated like a Queen. The only thing he got me for today was a new scrubbing brush!"

"_He shouldn't have gotten you anything_!"


	39. Night of Truth

**Summary: **stuck in a barn for a night Merlin suggests a game of truth.

**Pairings: **mentions of Arthur/Gwen, Leon/Gwen, Percival/OC, Gwaine/OC, Merlin/Freya, and a tiny bit of Merthur.

There were in a barn surrounded by a bloodthirsty army.

Very long story, the short version would be it was Merlin's and Gwaine's fault though they would tell you it was Arthur's fault.

After a couple of hours of going stir crazy as the army heckled them, Merlin suggested a game of truth. "After all," he said wisely, "if we're all going to die then we might as well die knowing the worst about us all."

"That is the most stupid thing you ever said," Arthur said flatly.

"I like it."

"Sounds fun."

"How do you play?"

"Traitors!" Arthur grumbled as his knights eagerly surrounded Merlin as he explained the rules. Which were, of course, very simple. "They always prefer Merlin over me," he continued to grumble to himself before being dragged into a circle with the knights and Merlin.

"I'll start first," Gwaine said flipping his hair back and looking rather smug, "I lost my virginity at the age of twelve and ever since then I have never had a night alone."

"Bullshit," Leon cried out. "You're on your own when we're on a quest."

"That's what you think," Gwaine smirked.

"Gwaine, the game is called Truth not Liar, Liar Pants on Fire," Merlin said exasperated.

"Fine!" Gwaine began to mutter darkly to himself for a moment before he glanced at the door and sighed. "Since we're about to die I might as well tell you the truth. I wasn't a commoner before I became a Knight. My father was a noble who died on us and my evil scheming uncle kicked my mother and baby me out and ever since I've had a burning desire to smack all nobles and royalty."

Merlin frowned. There was something eerily similar to what Gwaine said and Arthur's situation. He wondered if Agravaine had an even more evil twin...

"Yeah right," everyone snorted. Obviously they were so used to Gwaine being a bragging git who told white lies that they didn't believe him when he told the truth.

Gwaine and Merlin exchanged looks, Gwaine a questioning one and Merlin's was his usual _I Told You, You're All Idiots _look.

"Moving on since we obviously can't trust Gwaine to tell the truth," Leon said, "I want to be honest...Arthur I have kissed Gwen and been naked in her presence."

"_WHAT?"_

"It was when she made me dress like a girl," Leon said shamefully. "And the kiss happened when we were very young and experimenting."

"Oh," Arthur said with a shrug, "well that's all right."

"So you're still a virgin then," Gwaine snickered.

"Like you're not," Leon snapped. "I bet we're all virgins here."

"Erm actually..."

They all turned to look at Percival in shock.

"When?" Gwaine demanded.

"Years ago, I have been with six women so far, I am currently seeing Alys one of the serving girls in the kitchen, she has the sweetest smile and the loveliest eyes the shade of a bright summer blue sky..." Percival sighed dreamily.

"Forget that, how big are her tits?" Gwaine asked.

"And this is why you don't get a date," Merlin deadpanned. "Shall we move away from the topic of sex...again, and talk about something else, Elyan?"

Elyan turned to Arthur. "I have something to confess," he said nervously. They all leaned forward in anticipation; maybe Elyan had stolen something or killed someone. "I really hate my sister."

"Oh," Leon said disappointedly, "I already knew that."

"WHAT? _WHY_?" everyone else shouted.

"Gwen is the good child, the favourite child, the little miss perfect, and everyone loves her. She used to be a horrible person playing tricks on me and getting me into trouble, but did our Father believe me? No, he did not! He believed his 'precious little girl' and it's because of Gwen I ran away, and it's because of Gwen I got kidnapped by Morgause and tortured a fair bit. Therefore if it came down to it I will always pick your side, Arthur," Elyan ranted.

"Erm..." Arthur mumbled. "Ok...remind me not to put you on duty to guard my future queen."

They carried on for hours. Gwaine tried once more to tell them about his real status only to get laughed at once again; Elyan confessed that he has no hate for magic as did Percival, Gwaine, Merlin and Arthur. Leon said he wouldn't hate magic so much if it would stop trying to kill him every time they meet it. They argued at some of the little truths about how someone found someone else so annoying because of their snoring ("Yeah, well we all hate your smelly feet Gwaine!"). Arthur soon took a good few hours rambling about their good qualities before he finally confessed he loved them all but loved Merlin the most ("Stop looking so smug Merlin!"), and then finally, finally it was Merlin's turn.

"I sometimes hate all of you!" Merlin blurted out. They all looked too shocked to shout out in surprise this time. "You're all so stupid. It's blatantly obvious the only one who does any work here is me. I have magic! I was born with it and along with it came a stupid destiny where I'm the other half to Arthur's coin and unite the whole of Albion with him. I have fought assassins, Morgana, monsters, sorcerers, trolls, love spells, fairies, pixies, hoards of soldiers and bandits in order to protect Arthur's stupid fat head. I have seen the love of my life murdered by Arthur's own hand, my father murdered trying to protect me, and my best friend killed in battle, and almost lost my own mother trying to save Arthur's life. Not to mention my only true kin is two talking dragons that I have lied about the living status to you, oh, and I am a Dragon Lord by the way. I sit there in the shadows fighting all of your wars and I don't even get a day off because someone has to have their socks washed daily. Now excuse me I have an army to destroy."

The gobsmacked men watched as Merlin marched out of the barn and suddenly the whole bloodthirsty army was thrown in the air and knocked out.

There was really only one thing Arthur could say after this traumatising night.

"Merlin, you bleeding idiot, why didn't you do that earlier?"


	40. Robin Hood Vs King Arthur

**Summary: **I was re-watching the first two series of BBC Robin Hood and I couldn't help but notice some similarities to Merlin...

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Much/Robin, Robin/Marian, Arthur/Gwen, Djaq/Will, and one-sided Leon/Djaq

They were all broken off in little groups. Once again another time hole appeared only this time in the forest nearby Camelot and Arthur of course had to drag them there to investigate. They were attacked by a man called Robin Hood who stole for the poor and when Arthur introduced himself as King of Camelot things got rather confusing for a moment before they all decided to be friends.

Little John and Percival were standing there talking about being tall. Gwaine and Alan were sharing a water skin filled with ale and chatting cheerfully, Will and Elyan were discussing the arts of carpentry and blacksmiths, Leon was sharing his experience of cross-dressing with Djaq (he once dressed as a woman, she is a women dressing as a man, it was a match made in heaven now for her to not keep looking at that Will guy...), and Merlin and Much were complaining about how they were underappreciated while Robin and Arthur swapped leadership skills.

Robin hearing Much complaints about how he never appreciates Much as a friend and uses him as a servant still, broke away from his conversation and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Much, you are my dearest friend and you know I love you and need you, I never mean to make you feel unappreciated."

Arthur sniggered. "How gay is that?"

Robin turned to look at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"Well, Merlin is my manservant and best friend but you don't see me touching him and telling him how much I love him," Arthur explained.

"Well then you obviously not very secure about your masculinity," Robin said coolly.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

Gwaine and Allan laughed while the other knights shifted uncomfortably. They all honestly had the same thought since they were comfortable to hug Merlin and Arthur wasn't. The other 'Merry Men' didn't really care but watched anyway. Well John watched while Will and Djaq were more interested in the fact they were almost touching hands.

"I can assure you I have the love of a beautiful women," Arthur retorted.

"So do I, her name is Marian and she is a skilled fighter, a woman of justice, and has a sharp wit," Robin replied almost dreamily.

"Well Guinevere is kind, beautiful, and erm...she can sew!"

Merlin face palmed. "_Honestly_," he snapped, "Gwen is a fantastic fighter Arthur!"

"Not being funny," Allan said with a laugh, "but the fact he doesn't know much about his bird just proved Robin's point."

Arthur blushed bright red. "I'll show you that I'm secure in my masculinity!" he grabbed hold of Merlin and pulled him in a very manly hug. "...Merlin take your hands off my arse."

"And that's not gay at all," Much said sarcastically.

"Well I don't see you doing it!" Arthur snapped. "Obviously you're not secure in your masculinity!"

"Don't shout at Much!" Robin yelled.

Suddenly a loud argument was started between Arthur and Robin. Merlin and Much sighed heavily knowing that their masters were both stubborn as boars and this was going to take hours...so they sat under a tree and began to exchange cooking recipes. Meanwhile Will and Djaq decided to go exploring hand in hand ("euphuism," Much muttered to Merlin who nodded understandingly, they get used all the time in Camelot.).

"Not being funny," Gwaine said with a grin, he liked Allan's phrase and decided to adopt it as his own, "but this is going to take forever. How about a drink at the nearest tavern?"

The others left then leaving Robin and Arthur to continue bickering.

"Do you ever get the feeling," Merlin asked Much, "that you're the only intelligent, sane, sensible one in the group?"

"Oh all the time!"


	41. Everyone Knows

**Summary: **Arthur tries to gossip but everyone already knows

**Pairings: **just a little bit of Merthur

Everyone grumbled as they waited for Arthur and Merlin to show up. They had all been dragged out of their nice warm beds by messengers claiming that Arthur wanted an emergency meeting to discuss something. They were all tired and really wanted to go back to bed so they hoped Arthur would hurry up before they commit Treason.

The doors slammed open and Arthur marched in looking a little wild. Merlin followed behind looking a little scared.

"Everyone, what I am about to say must not leave this room," Arthur said solemnly, "it is a very big secret and you are all the people I trust the most therefore I expect you to keep this a secret until I can do a bigger reveal."

Everyone leaned forward eagerly their tiredness long forgotten.

There was a tense dramatic silence...

"...Merlin has magic!" Arthur announced.

"Oh is that it?" Gwaine asked disappointedly. "I was hoping you were going to announce you were going to have a bastard child or something scandalously interesting."

"What do you mean _is that it_?" Arthur retorted. "_Mer_lin has _magic_. Do you know how _big_ that is?"

"Eh, I knew that since the day I met him," Gwaine shrugged. A mischievous smile bloomed on his face. "But do tell me how _big _Merlin is."

Arthur ignored him; it was really the best way to deal with Gwaine.

"Merlin isn't very good at keeping it a secret," Leon said diplomatically, "I mean he claimed you killed the dragon but where was the corpse? Obviously he is a Dragon Lord and told it to go away."

"I saw him blow up Cenred's soldiers," Percival shrugged.

"Gwen told me," Elyan explained.

"Merlin is my best friend, it was so obvious what he was up to with all the running around he did," Gwen protested at Arthur's accusing glare. "Besides he really is a terrible liar."

"Thanks Gwen," Merlin muttered.

"I'm sure Merlin already told you that I mentor him," Gaius said not even allowing Arthur to send him a questioning glance. "Now Arthur can you end this meeting so we can all go to sleep?"

Arthur spluttered and then snapped, "Fine! Go to bed! Except Merlin, you can start scrubbing the stables clean without magic so I can see my reflection on the wood."

"Is that even scientifically possible?" Merlin wailed as he followed Arthur out of the room.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Honestly, how is it that the two most powerful men in Camelot are complete idiots?" Gwen fumed.

"I think they were both dropped on their heads as infants," Gaius muttered.

"How long do you think it'll take for them to realise they're in love with one another?" Gwaine grinned.

"Centuries," was the flat reply from everyone else.


	42. Merlin's Banging Your Sister

**Summary: **really Watching Merlin Part 2.9. I was going to put this with the third series but then couldn't be bothered. Dedicated to a certain somebody who wanted Gwaine to be really annoying XD

**Pairings: **Morgana/Merlin, one-sided Gwaine/Donna, and a little Arthur/Gwen.

It was a very awkward moment.

Sitting in a room with your friends while your best friend was banging your sister...very loudly...who knew both Merlin and Morgana were screamers? And who knew Merlin had a very good stamina considering this was about the fifth time they were at it?

Trying to ignore the noises coming out from the girl's bedroom everyone focused their attention on a show called Doctor Who which they had to turn the volume up several times. Gwaine almost covered a scream ("Oh, _Merlin!_") with his loud declaration of love for Donna Noble but that was almost.

Eventually they all managed to fall asleep in the early hours of the morning all sprawled out on the floor or in awkward positions on the sofa and arm chairs. They moaned and groaned about stiff necks and aching backs throughout breakfast...especially Gaius.

"I don't know why you're all grumpy," Merlin said cheerfully. "I slept like a baby last night."

"You didn't sound like a baby when you're banging Arthur's sister," Gwaine said,

"Can we not talk about people banging my sister?" Arthur pleaded.

"Can we not talk about Morgana as if she isn't here?" Morgana said coolly.

Gwaine merely grinned at her while Arthur just grimaced into his breakfast and then almost fell asleep in it...until Gaius poured water over his head.

"We still have the last episode of series two to watch before we start series three and I want it all over so I can go to bed early tonight," Gaius said sternly before handing Arthur a strange substance called coffee. "Apparently this keeps you awake, I would drink it quickly it tastes revolting."

Arthur almost choked on the bitter taste. How is it even in a strange land and time Gaius was able to give him vile-tasting potions?

After grumbling and moaning everyone settled back on the sofas and began to watch the last episode. No one but Morgana had no problem glaring at Merlin for releasing the Dragon this morning after all it was his fault for keeping them awake for most of the night.

It was rather quiet for a good part of the episode until Gaius told Merlin about his father.

"_WHAT?"_

"AWESOME!"

"SHUT UP GWAINE!" Arthur bellowed. "It isn't awesome that means Merlin lied to me – _again!_"

"Hey there's no need to bite my head off, Merlin is the one who lied and then started banging your sister!"

Merlin shot Gwaine a dark look as Arthur's glare was redirected in his direction. There were a couple sniggers and gasps throughout the episode. Gwen let out one giant 'Aww!' when Balinor said romantic things about Merlin's mother and then made Merlin a toy dragon.

"Aren't you a bit too old for that?" Arthur asked, and then he quickly thought about it, "On second thoughts you always had the mind of a child."

"And yet I'm still more intelligent than you," Merlin retorted.

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!" Arthur said over everyone else's laughs.

Gwen let out a horrified gasp as Balinor stepped before his son and was killed almost instantly. The knights shuddered at Merlin's burst of power knocking out the bandits without even blinking; they thank all the deities that he was on their side instead of anything evil. Arthur grimaced as he remembered his words to Merlin as they all watched him weep, the real Merlin was sniffling and blinking back his own tears while Morgana held him tight to her chest and stroked his hair.

Percival, Gwaine, Leon, Lancelot, Elyan, and Gwen were quick to empathise with Merlin as they thought of the deaths of their own fathers. Arthur shuddered at the thought of his father dying which might be soon considering how frail he has been recently. Morgana didn't even think of either of her two fathers she just focused on comforting Merlin as they watched Camelot's last hope being destroyed.

"Arthur you prat!" Gwen shouted smacking Arthur on the arm. His TV-self had just told Merlin that no man is worth crying over. "That was completely insensitive!"

"I didn't know it was his father!"

"That's not the point!" Gwen smacked him again. "Apologise and tell him if he died you would weep for months."

"What?"

"Now!"

Feeling completely emasculated Arthur obeyed Gwen much to everyone's amusement. Gwaine let out the loudest laugh and made a whipping motion with his hand. "Shut up Gwaine," Arthur moaned.

"What? Merlin is the one banging your sister."

"Will you stop saying that?"

"Never!"

They watched in tense silence as the knights were either knocked out or killed by the Dragon and then suddenly Merlin spoke in special Dragon language which caused everyone to lean forwards eagerly and look awe.

"That is so sexy," Morgana said lustfully.

"Urgh!" Arthur groaned.

The knights instantly burst into laughter at Merlin's terrible lie. "Really Arthur?" Gwaine chuckled. "You believed that?"

"Oh shut up, Gwaine!"

"Don't be mad at me! Merlin's the one banging your sister!"

"Will you stop saying that?"

"What? It's true!"

"Children can you please stop bickering and start the next series?"

"Yeah, Merlin, go and change the disk thing."

"Why don't you, you arrogant prat?"

"Because you're the servant and I'm the prince."

"Hey, since Merlin is banging your sister doesn't that make him a prince too?"

"NO!"

"Gwaine for the love of god stop saying that!"

"Why? It's true!"

"It's annoying!"

"Well you're annoying!"

"Well you're a-"

Gaius sighed and rubbed his temples while Gwen just shook her head and drank her tea. Morgana went back to last night as she fantasised tying Merlin to the bed and the other knights joined in the argument.

Gaius sighed again, why on earth did he agree to look after young adults?


	43. Watching Merlin Part 3

**Summary: **watching series three of Merlin

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Morgana, Gaius/Alice, mentions of Lancelot/Gwen, one-sided Gwaine/Elena, Gwaine/Everyone, slight Merthur somewhere, and implied Arthur/Morgana.

Finally after shutting up those bickering bra...err Gaius means loving sweet children (yeah he knows even he doesn't believe himself), they all settled down to watch the Third Series of Merlin's life. Immediately they all snickered over Merlin's new nickname for Morgana, and Gwaine instantly irritated the whole room by wolf-whistling the TV dressed in her underwear Morgana.

Gaius had an irrational urge to cover Merlin's eyes but it was far too late, wasn't it? Damn Hunith will kill him.

The knights struggled between sympathetic and outright glaring at Morgana. They had to remind themselves constantly as she was plotting with Morgause that she had been pushed and tricked into it and now was redeeming herself (though how deflowering Merlin was redemption they shall never know).

"Dear God I have to get better guards," Arthur muttered as he watched his sister in her bright red cloak that basically screamed 'I'm right here morons' slipped past the guards without being noticed.

They all grimaced and winced at the torture went through, they may hate the bastard but no one deserved that, and then they all looked horrified as Merlin laid there dying before being rescued by the Great Dragon.

"I am sorry," Morgana whispered.

"I know," Merlin said cheerfully, "and I have forgiven you remember?"

They shared a kiss that caused Arthur to groan loudly and tell them to knock it off so they can watch the next episode. The second episode had barely started when Gwaine piped up with a wise crack. "So according to the Dragon, Morgana is your other half?"

"Yes."

"But for the past two series he had been preaching Arthur was your other half."

"Erm...I suppose so..."

"So does that mean you have two soul mates or are you just soulless?"

Merlin looked horrified at the prospect while Gwen slapped Gwaine on his behalf. Morgana and Arthur glared at each other as Morgana put a possessive hand on Merlin's inner thigh and Arthur...erm yawned and kept his hand far away from Merlin as possible.

The knights sat there tense as they watched the people of Camelot fight Cenred without them. Morgana squeezed Merlin's thigh and murmured apologies in his ear during their confrontation scene and Arthur kept muttering darkly under his breath while glaring at his so called best friend that was banging his sister and his so called little sister who can't keep her hands off his so called best friend.

Arthur's glare deepened alongside Leon, Gwen and Morgana when it was revealed in the next episode that Merlin was the one who released the Goblin.

"It was an accident!" Merlin squealed as Morgana's nails cut into very sensitive skin.

"It doesn't matter we were almost embarrassed to death!" Gwen snapped.

"I think I suffered the most during that time," Merlin sniffed, "considering I was almost burnt on the stake."

"What?" the other knights shouted.

Leon winced at the memory. "Let's just watch," he said timidly.

To be honest the Knights and Merlin had difficulty to keep a straight face for the rest of the episode. Watching Gaius being possessed and licking gold was hilarious so was watching him play pranks on Camelot and being cheeky in general. Gwaine cheered Merlin on as he broke out of the cell while Arthur muttered something about having the cells spell proofed. The room filled with cheers as Arthur being the somewhat reasonable one believed Gwen and Merlin's story and then they sighed as he stupidly confronted Goblin Gaius...

The room suddenly filled up with hysterical laughter when they found out that Arthur had donkey ears, voice and tail.

They laughed even louder; Gwaine had tears running down his face, when Gwen giggly told Merlin.

"Traitor," Arthur muttered as he watched real Gwen giggle into Morgana's shoulder. He turned his glare onto Merlin when it was revealed the reason he kept walking like a donkey and randomly braying had been his fault. "Git."

Everyone just howled with laughter as Arthur sat there sulking in a corner by himself.

MMMMMMMMMMM

"Look at that sexy thing! Don't you just want to shag him?"

Everyone stared at Gwaine in amusement (Gwen and Merlin), horror (Leon, Percival, and Lancelot), incredulity (Morgana and Elyan), and Disgust (Arthur).

"Gwaine you're talking about yourself," Arthur felt the need to point out as TV Gwaine strutted around TV Merlin shirtless.

He wondered privately if he should make it law that Merlin should have no semi-naked men in his room.

Gwaine tossed his hair and grinned. "I know," he practically purred. "If I can I would totally shag myself."

There were some groans of disgust from Arthur, Gaius, and most of the knights. Percival merely looked curious on how that would work while Merlin, Gwen, and Morgana were practically drooling at the image. Well, ok, maybe not Merlin as such but he was definitely interested.

TV Gwaine just revealed to TV Merlin that he's actually a nobleman.

There is a silence, Gaius quickly pauses the TV as Arthur slowly turns to face Gwaine.

"Why is it that my friends feel the need to hide things from me?" he asked coolly. "First Merlin, then Lancelot, now you, what's next? Is Percival really a girl?"

"No, I'm pretty sure that one is Merlin again," Percival grinned.

"Hey!"

"Oh trust me," Morgana purred patting Merlin's thigh, "This one is all man."

"Don't be mad at me!" Gwaine protested at the still glaring Arthur. "I just hid my birth status Merlin is the one banging your sister!"

"Right that's it!"

Everyone sat there in shock – or amusement in Morgana's case – as Arthur punched Gwaine hard enough to make him fall on the floor. The TV started up again and the exact moment Gwaine began to flirt with Gwen Arthur stomped on Gwaine's stomach causing him to squeal a little.

"Arthur dear," Gwen said a little nervously and excited, what can she say it was both terrifying and arousing having Arthur be so...Grr! manly, "why don't you sit down beside me and we'll cuddle."

They spent the rest of the episode cuddling, Arthur and Gwen beside Merlin and Morgana while the Knights all looked at one another and decided they were far too manly to cuddle.

For now.

MMMMMMMMMM

They sat there mostly in silence for the next episode.

Gwaine was groaning in pain on the floor, Morgana was scowling the whole time, Arthur's frown slowly turned into a full blown out glare, the Knights decided it was safer to count the cracks in the ceiling, and Gaius...erm fell asleep and was woken up when Arthur shouted something along the lines 'you knew?' at Merlin.

The next episode had a more interesting reaction. Gwaine sat up the moment Elena appeared on the screen and stared at her in a mix of awe, fascination, amusement, and...Erm, hunger? The others all snickered when she tripped over and Arthur got all confused over the arranged marriage.

"Idiot," Morgana said almost fondly, "I think you're a bit too male for Godwin's tastes."

The snickering and sniggering continued throughout the episode. When Elena beat Arthur in the horse race Gwaine stood up and waved his arms madly at the screen. "I'm in love! I wish to make Princess Elena my wife!"

"What?" the knights chorused.

"Are you out of your mind, Gwaine?" Arthur asked.

"No, I am merely in love with the most radiant woman in the world (no offense Gwen); she is like no other woman. She is truly beautiful and fun and wild and nice too, Merlin likes her! Merlin is a good judge of character!"

"I'm beginning to doubt that," Arthur muttered darkly under his breath wondering what stupidity Merlin had saddled him with. "You can court Elena if you wish but you can't kidnap her or cause a war with her father or something stupid like that."

Gwaine muttered under his breath about something never interfering with true love. The Knights decided that they might have hit Gwaine in the head a bit too hard with their shields during that one practise.

"AH MY EYES!"

Gaius rolled his eyes at the childish behaviour of everyone in the room. The boys were all clutching their eyes as Elena's disturbing Nurse was trying it on with TV Gaius, Gwen and Morgana who should be far more mature about this made gagging sounds as well. Come on, he's not that old and unattractive.

The childish moaning continued throughout the rest of the episode mixed with some snickering at Arthur's reaction to his 'ex-fiancée' when she suddenly transformed into an elegant beauty after Merlin got rid of a changeling.

"So my first possible wife was a fairy trying to kill me, the second one was a result of being under a love spell and also had a deranged father trying to kill me, and the third one was being possessed," Arthur said ticking them off, he turned to Gwen. "Is there anything I need to know about you?"

Gwen blushed while the boys hooted childishly and Morgana rolled her eyes.

"The only thing you have to worry about Gwen is that she has violent tendencies when she's mad," Elyan said rubbing his head.

Arthur vowed to never piss off his future wife right there and then.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

After some more teasing from the Knights, Gaius shut them all up in favour of an early dinner and a nap, most instantly enjoyed their sleep while Gwaine sat up muttering about how he'll woo Elena (Merlin worries for his insanity obviously the ale has killed whatever brain cells Gwaine had) while Morgana and Merlin exchanged knowledge on spells...and...Erm...well snogged some more.

By three o'clock they were once again in the living room and set out to watch the rest of the series. The first episode resulted in a lot of scowling, Elyan scowled at Morgana and Arthur blaming them for his kidnapping, Morgana was scowling at Merlin for breaking her ankle, Arthur was scowling at Morgana for kidnapping Gwen and at Merlin for being Merlin, and the other knights decided to just stay out of it.

The next one continued the scowling but only between Arthur and Morgana (who was only scowling because Arthur was scowling at her first). Gwen felt her cheeks heat up at the compliments thrown her way by Merlin for her intelligence and the Knights stared at Gwaine enviously as they watched Merlin fetch _him_ of all people to go on a quest to save Merlin's life.

"Hang on, if I'm Strength, Merlin's Magic, and you're Courage what does that makes the others?" Gwaine asked interestedly.

They all looked thoughtful.

"I think Leon would be Loyalty," Merlin said slowly, "since he has always been loyal to Arthur and his father. Lancelot is the personification of Nobility if you ask me."

"Ooh, personification, that's a big word for you Merlin," Arthur teased.

"Shut up!" Morgana hissed. "I bet you can't even spell personification!"

Arthur flushed angrily and kept his mouth clamped shut. He really didn't know how to spell personification but there was no reason for Morgana to bring it up.

"Gaius could be Knowledge," Gwaine said, "Elyan could be Creativity since he makes swords and stuff."

Merlin nodded in agreement, "And Morgana would be Beauty," Morgana smirked at the compliment before kissing Merlin causing a round of groans from the room. "And Gwen would be Kindness," Gwen once again blushed at the compliment as everyone agreed with Merlin.

"And me?" Percival asked hopefully.

Gwaine and the other Knights exchanged smirks.

"Virginity," they chorused.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

"AH MY EYES AGAIN!"

"MERLIN HOW ON EARTH DID YOU SURVIVE THIS?"

"OLD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T HAVE SEX!"

"ARTHUR STOP BEING A PRICK TO MERLIN!"

"URGH I THINK I'M GOING TO VOMIT!"

Gaius sighed and rubbed his temples. He had another headache brewing from all this shouting and screaming from the children. He really needed a holiday. _A really long holiday_. A nice long holiday far away from Camelot where not even Merlin could find him.

Perhaps a nice long holiday with Alice where he'll prove that old people most definitely should have sex.

Repeatedly.

MMMMMMMMMMM

"You tried to kill Gwen?" Arthur roared furiously at Morgana.

Gwen tried not to feel hurt at Morgana's attempts to kill her. After all they were enemies for the past year when she chose Arthur over her but still, she had been Morgana's best friend for over ten years and she never considered that?

"In all fairness I was being heavily influenced by Morgause's evilness and Merlin's stupidity," Morgana mumbled ashamed with herself.

"Hey!" Merlin protested.

"Shut up Merlin," Arthur and Morgana said glaring at one another.

"I'm wondering," Gwaine said loudly to the room, "if Morgana ever realised that Gwen would solely be Queen Consort and not actually Queen of Camelot. So if Morgana was offing Gwen for her throne wouldn't that mean she really, really wants to marry Arthur?"

Both Morgana and Arthur looked on the verge of throwing up while some of the Knights and Merlin made gagging noises at the thought of the two siblings at it. Gwen gave Gwaine a very dark look for even thinking of Morgana and Arthur doing things together.

The Knights roared with laughter while Gwen giggled at the actions of Old Merlin from the way his face screwed up to his terrible name and then to his hilarious insults kept them all in laughter. Gwen threw her arms round Merlin and kissed his cheek. "Thank you," she said with a small smile.

Arthur tried to keep his jealousy at bay reminding himself that Gwen and Merlin are only friends and Merlin is banging his sister – goddaminit Gwaine!

You know you're going downhill when Gwaine actually gets inside your head.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The next episode was a fairly boring one in comparison to the others. Gaius dozed, the Knights yawned unless it was a fight scene, and Arthur spent the whole time muttering about evil manipulative sisters while Morgana and Gwen did each other's hairs.

The episode after that started with Leon dying causing the actual man to shudder at the memory and was instantly comforted by Percival and Elyan. There was very little laughter in this episode as Arthur and Merlin grimly fought their way to the chalice of life only to fail and then to have Morgana's secret revealed.

The following episode was filled with loud cheering. They cheered loudly when Gwaine appeared on the screen (ok, only Gwaine and Merlin cheered), they cheered when Leon stood up to Morgana (and some glares were shot at Morgana for trying to kill citizens of Camelot, she shuddered as she wondered when she had become so...Uther-like), and they cheered even louder at the escapades of Elyan, Arthur, Merlin, and Gaius as they roamed about as outlaws.

Morgana tried not to glare at Gwen for betraying her since she pretty much deserved it while the Knights all cat-called and cheered her on. Well apart from Lancelot who politely complimented Gwen while blushing furiously.

Leon in a dress caused more cat-calls and some jeering from everyone.

"And here I thought _Mer_lin was the cross dresser," Arthur teased causing loud laughter from everyone.

Leon blushed and glared at everyone. "Well at least I still look like a man. Merlin would make a fantastic girl with the way he acts and looks."

Merlin flushed brightly and glared at Leon as everyone laughed. The laughter quickly died when the water Merlin received (Arthur was still grumbling from the fact his quest had been useless and it was all about Merlin, again, and then he started to grumble about having to be saved by Merlin all the time) revealed Freya who gave Merlin the advice needed to take out Cenred's army.

"How ironic, Merlin's ex-girlfriend gives him the information on how to stop Merlin's current girlfriend," Leon said coolly.

Morgana scowled and muttered darkly under her breath while the boys all watched in awe as Merlin used the super-cool magical powerful sword.

"I'm going to have wet dreams about that sword," Elyan said dreamily.

"EW!"

"That was something I really didn't need to know," Arthur said to the embarrassed Elyan.

Morgana pressed her lips together tight as she watch Merlin cause her sister's injuries that were threatening her life right this very second and avoided everyone's eyes as her TV self threw a tantrum and disappeared in a hurricane with her sister. The series ended as Gwen was being led on horse by the Knights with their red cloaks flowing behind them.

"We look epic!" Gwaine said excitedly as the others nodded in agreement.

Merlin muttered something about Arthur being unfair and how he wasn't equal while Arthur found the ceiling very interesting.

"Right," Gaius said shutting the TV off, "bed. No sex for any of you, I don't want to be kept up all night, I'm too old for that nonsense. We'll start the last series early and then hopefully we'll be able to go home."

Just after Gaius stormed off to his bedroom Gwaine turned to the others and shot them a sexy grin. "So...whose up for an orgy?"

For the first time ever the others were all in agreement to throw a pillow at Gwaine's face.


	44. That Star Wars Moment

**Summary: **that clichéd dramatic moment we all like to take the piss out off.

**Pairings: **implied Tristan/Igraine and mentions of Tristan/Isolde

It was an epic sword fight that Arthur almost lost but was now winning.

Merlin and Isolde were just bored and decided to play word games while Tristan and Arthur resolved whatever stupid male pride problems they have. God knows what it caused it, one moment Arthur and Tristan were talking, the next they were fighting.

Arthur disarms Tristan and holds his sword against his throat. Tristan grins up at him and Isolde rolls her eyes, well he's not sharing her bed roll tonight. "Going to kill me little prince?"

"You're the smuggler who drove my father mad," Arthur said solemnly, Merlin coughed something about Uther already being mad before all of this. "Shut up, _Mer_lin!"

"Yeah shut up _Mer_lin," Tristan agreed, "and I didn't drive your father mad, Arthur, I am your father."

Arthur drops his sword and clutches his head. "NO!" he screams dramatically.

"Hang on that makes no s-"

"Shut up, Merlin! I'm trying to be dramatic!"


	45. Dear Fangirls

**Summary: **Merlin writes a letter to his fans

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Arwen, Merlin/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, Merlin/Knights, Merlin/Morgana, Merlin/OCs, Merlin/Freya, and I did say Merthur?

Dear Fan Girls (and Boys),

I would first like to thank you for the constant support against the stupidity known as Arthur and his knights.

_Mer-_

Shut up Arthur. I would also like to thank you for the super-cool powers you give me on the regular basis, the love and attention you give me, and the moments where you have Arthur grovelling at my feet. I really like those moments.

_They're not going to happen in real life, __**Mer**__lin. _

Didn't I tell you to shut up? This is my letter. Anyway, while I am grateful, really grateful, I need to file a complaint. Several of them in fact. First I do not have sex, will not have sex, will never have sex, and don't even like having sex with Arthur Pendragon. Or any of the other knights especially Gwaine, he snores; I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who snores.

_You sound like a girl __**Mer**__lin. _

Butt out of my letter! Also Gwen is madly in love with Arthur...or maybe Lancelot, I get confused with which one but it's those two that had her interest, it has never been me. That's like incest or something, ewww. And then Morgana is a bloody terrifying, have you seen her nails? She could claw my eyes out with them! I never fancied her and I definitely don't now she's evil. I never heard of these women you mention in some of these fics and therefore don't love them. The only girl for me has been Freya and now she's gone I've settled for living alone and fulfilling my destiny looking after this arrogant prat.

_Hey!_

Go and play with Gwen's hair or something ridiculously cute!

_You're back to sounding like a girl, Merlin, oh, and jealous much?_

You're so bigheaded I wonder sometimes how the horse can carry you. Bugger off and leave me to my letter. Anyway, I will never turn to the dark side, Gaius will never die, I will never leave Camelot, the chances of Arthur accepting magic is zero, I am not super-super powerful, the Dragon does not ship me and Arthur, Gwen is not a whore so stop saying that, Morgana would never think to sleep with me-

_Damn right, she's well out of your league, and what's that about magic?_

Oh look, a pink sparkly unicorn about to eat Gwaine's hair!

_Where?_

And he calls me an idiot. Anyway, point is none of your Fanfictions are right so could you please stop writing them and just write a nice little oneshot where I turn Arthur into a donkey's arse?

Sincerely,

Merlin Emrys

P.S; I would never be submissive to Arthur in a million years. _What the hell are you on about? You're so my bitch. _SHUT UP ARTHUR!


	46. Imposter!

**Summary: **a council meeting gets interrupted

**Pairings: **none, I know shocking.

They were in a council meeting when it happened. The great big double doors slammed open and a wild, strange man ran through. He had wild messy brown hair, dark eyes, and wore strange clothes, brown with stripes, and an open robe.

"Imposter!" he shouted pointing at Merlin. "That's not Merlin!"

Everyone gasped and looked horrified. Merlin looked rather guilty as he shifted around from one foot to the other and looked anywhere but at Arthur.

"He's name is Jethro, his from the future, has a strange fascination with Satan, and he nicked a time travelling device so he can pretend he has magic!" the man continued. "I am the real Merlin. I helped King Arthur on his journeys, and I would never purposely cut my hair to show my sticky out ears."

"Merlin can barely walk without tripping over," Arthur said coolly, "let alone do whatever it was you said. You're obviously insane. Gaius please give this man the medical help he needs, preferably away from my castle, oh, and do check on my Guard's eyesight they seem to be unable to see again."

Gaius sighed heavily as he dragged out the insane man by his collar. The man continued to yell things like he was innocent, and how could Jethro ever do this to him after everything they had been through?

"I think that man is more mentally afflicted than you," Arthur commented, completely oblivious to Merlin's guilt.

"Um...yeah," Merlin agreed.

Behind his back Jethro crossed his fingers and hoped the Doctor didn't come back anytime. After all Camelot was a hell lot more fun than home.


	47. Percival's Crotch

**Summary: **That Awkward Moment when you re-read Awkward Moments and all you can think about is Percival's crotch...I know, I have no life.

**Pairings: **tiny implications not really worth mentioning

They were on a quest to prevent bad guy from reviving the Dragons and destroying them all. Said bad guy was now shooting arrows down at them, Merlin was practically clinging to Arthur who kept battering him away impatiently, Gwaine was whimpering just a little bit, Leon moaned appreciatively at the beauty of arrows (so it's not just crossbows, huh?), and Elyan stood there frozen.

Percival saw an opening and went for it, it was his duty as a Knight of Camelot to succeed in this quest, he will stop this bad guy, save the world, and o-

"AH!"

"Ooh," all the others grimaced.

"Sorry!" shouted the bad guy.

Percival felt his eyes sting with tears as he fell back against the cliff and tried very hard not to scream. The others surrounded him instantly; Merlin was trying to apply his knowledge in medicine while the others looked as if they were at his deathbed.

"Goodbye future mini-Percy's," Gwaine said softly, "the world doesn't know what it missed."

They all shifted for a closer look causing Merlin to fall on top of the injury making Percival scream. He shoved Merlin off of him and glared at all the others who were too busy staring at the said injury.

"_Will you stop looking at my crotch?_"


	48. Babysitting Nightmare From Hell!

**Summary: **Morgana casts a spell that turns Arthur and Merlin into children; everyone has their hands full dealing with them.

**Pairings: **some Gwen/Arthur and the usual Merthur

They were battling Morgana (again) when both Merlin and Arthur got hit by a spell. Instead of suddenly bursting into song or revealing their embarrassing secrets (like the last couple times) they suddenly went _POOF _in a big cloud of smoke and their clothes flopped to the floor.

Morgana fled cackling leaving the Knights stricken with horror.

"Arthur! Merlin!"

Suddenly the armour gave a wiggle before a small six year old boy stood up proud and tall, hands on his hips, and looking every bit as a royal prat as he had done as an adult. "Knights," he said commandingly, "where are my clothes?"

Gwaine tried not to laugh as the others bowed and babbled their explanations. Meanwhile Merlin's pile of clothes began to wiggle and an even smaller and younger boy with dark hair and big wide blue eyes stood up.

He took one look of the knights, pulled up the over large shirt to cover his modesty and screamed. "Camelot Knights! You're here to kill me!"

Percival took a few steps forwards ready to give Merlin a comforting hug as he tried to tell the boy they would never hurt him. Merlin merely let out another scream where his eyes flashed gold and Percival was thrown against a mountain side.

"Sorcerer!" Arthur bellowed pointing a finger at the sobbing Merlin.

Leon, Elyan, and Gwaine all exchanged looks. "All in favour of pretending this never happened say aye," Gwaine said.

"Aye," the other two said quickly.

They turned back to comfort Merlin and make Arthur shut up – in a way where they won't get arrested for – only to find Merlin clinging to his shirt as he screamed at Arthur for being an 'arrogant ignorant royal prick' while Arthur was bellowing back with 'wussy little girl'.

For someone who's supposed to be four Merlin sure had a mouth on him.

And for someone who is supposed to be the older royal prince with the better education Arthur was sure an idiot in insulting people.

The knights all sighed in relief. At least some things don't change.

MMMMMMMMM

Although they wish some things would change.

By the time they got Merlin and Arthur to calm down and saddled on the horses to go they were bickering again. Mostly because Merlin, who had never been on a horse in this point of time, began to whimper and Arthur scoffed at him. Leon ended up snapping and threatened to spank them which caused Arthur to remind them all of his princely status.

_Arrogant little twit what I'd give to knock some sense into him, _each Knight thought rather darkly to themselves.

Then Merlin had to fall of the horse and burst into tears for his Mama.

Arthur had to ridicule him causing Merlin to run off.

Then of course Arthur had to get all guilty, and noble, and stupid, and ran after him to apologise.

And then of course they had to get into a life-threatening scenario which the Knights almost died trying to save them but it just had to be the efforts of Merlin's magic and Arthur's...erm natural born skill with a sword that saved everyone.

Merlin then immediately fell asleep and when the knights tried to hold him while riding Arthur would kick up a fuss.

Only _he_ was allowed to hold Merlin.

The Knights all sighed in relief when they saw the citadel on the horizon.

"We so don't get paid enough for this," Elyan said to his concussed and in need of drink friends.

They all agreed.

MMMMMMMMMMM

Gaius and Geoffrey were all having a nice cup of tea when the Knights burst in holding the two sleeping children.

"Gaius, we have a problem," Leon cried out.

Gaius sighed heavily. Here he had been hoping for a nice quiet week alone with some gossip and tea with his oldest living (and doesn't hate him) friend. He can never gossip in peace with Merlin around there is always some sort of problem and to top it off Merlin can never keep his mouth shut, how on earth Merlin managed to keep his magic a secret he didn't know.

"Merlin and Arthur have been turned into children!" Elyan shouted.

"Oh god," Gaius moaned hoping he didn't have to go through puberty with Arthur again.

"It's like the sixties all over again," Geoffrey groaned.

"How can you cure it, and erm, what?" Gwaine asked bemused.

"This spell has been used on Uther and I back when we – I mean Uther began to rule. It took two weeks for it to wear off..."

"Camelot was barely still standing. The north tower was on fire, and oh my poor precious books," Geoffrey groaned. "I have to go and lock the library before those menaces are awake!"

"Put them in Merlin's room, I'll find something that'll keep them unconc- I mean occupied when they wake up," Gaius ordered absently as he began to go through his books to find a cure. Now!

He remembered what it was like raising Arthur and he had enough letters complaining about Merlin's childhood to know the two of them together was going to be a living nightmare.

Literally.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

Gwen had barely gotten to sleep waiting for her husband to return home when there was banging on her chamber door.

She opened to reveal Gaius missing half of his hair, singed eyebrows, covered in different coloured goos, and looking rather bruised while carrying a tiny wriggling dark haired boy and pushing forward a small blonde boy covered in gunk.

"You can take your husband and best friend, I've had enough!" Gaius snarled, "They ruined my lab, my entire collection of potions, and burnt half of my library! I'm moving in with Geoffrey, they're your problem now!"

The door slams shut as Gwen stares awkwardly down at her husband and best friend. Merlin was looking adorably innocent while Arthur was looking rather disgusted.

"I'm married?" he cried out in horror. "To a girl?"

Gwen rolled her eyes and was rather amused to see little Merlin do the same. "No you married a pixie, of course to a girl!" he snapped in a rather girly squeaky voice.

"But girls have cooties!"

Gwen rolled her eyes again.

"My Mama is a girl and she doesn't have cooties!"

"You only say that because you have cooties!"

"I do not!"

"Yes you do!"

"Not!"

"Do!"

"I do not!"

"Yes you do, you're such a girl, _Mer_lin."

Gwen clutched her head as the bickering went on and on. Her eyes accidentally strayed onto the silver jug several times as she contemplated knocking them out. No! She couldn't do that! No matter how annoying the pair of them are, not matter how irritating she finds them, she just can't bring herself to hit a child.

She'll just have to wait for when they're adults again.

As she dragged her eyes away from the silver jug she realised the room had gone silent as the door was left wide open.

Ah shit!

MMMMMMMMM

The Knights, Gwen, and Gaius were exhausted.

They had spent the last week chasing after the elusive Merlin and Arthur who got into danger every minute of every hour of every day. They released the goblin, several fairies, and ran into many monsters. Several sorcerers attacked and it was only by 'sheer luck' (they all agreed to ignore any magical outburst from Merlin) that the two had survived without even a scratch. Then to top it off there was a spree of food stealing from the kitchens and high pitched giggling echoing in the corridors as they tried to track down Merlin and Arthur.

"On the bright side at least we know they're no longer arguing," Percival said optimistically.

"Yeah but now they're working together against us!" Leon cried out covered in burns and bruises.

As the second week was coming to a close they found the two boys at last.

Arthur was sitting on the throne with his oversized crown sliding off his head and over his face while Merlin was sitting on Arthur's lap with his head resting on Arthur's shoulder. Arthur had his arms wrapped round Merlin as if he was a teddy bear of something while Merlin merely snuggled into Arthur content as he sucked his thumb.

"Aw!" Gwen cooed.

"Getting broody, Gwen?" Gwaine teased.

"Not in this lifetime, Arthur has put me off ever having children," Gwen retorted.

"Shh!" Gaius hissed as he herded everyone out of the throne room, "Let's get some sleep before they wake up."

"I hope they grow up soon my back is killing me," Leon grumbled.

"I might just strangle the pair of them if they don't grow up soon," Elyan agreed.

"I am never having children," Percival growled.

As the door closes Arthur stirs a little in his sleep, he shifts beneath Merlin and clings to him tightly, "Merlin," he murmured sleepily, "since you're a girl and all I thought I'd marry you."

"M'okay," Merlin mumbled as he continued to suck his thumb.


	49. Blooper

**Summary: **it's the last day of filming Merlin and the director feels he doesn't get paid enough.

**Pairings: **just the usual.

"CUT! BRADLEY WHAT THE _HELL_ WAS THAT?"

Snapping out of character Bradley pulled away from Colin who looked mildly disgusted but mostly confused. Angel was biting her lip nervously while the other cast members weren't sure if they should burst into laughter or just leave the set now.

"Erm...I don't know," Bradley said nervously, "the script said-"

"The script said you kiss Guinevere," the director snapped, "Does Colin look anything like Angel to you?"

Bradley opened his mouth perhaps to mumble a nervous no or maybe to say something rather mean and witty how Colin always looks like a girl.

"Don't say anything," the director growled frustrated. It was the final scene of the series and it should have gotten off without a hitch so they can all go home and get some sleep (it's not nice being awake since four o'clock in the morning after going to sleep at midnight).

"Now, now," the writer said comfortingly, "we only have ourselves to blame."

"You do?" the director said pointedly.

"Yes _we_ do," the writer stressed the we of the sentence, "after all it's our fault for creating such unresolved sexual tension. These poor kids are probably confused."

"Apart from Katie," Angel murmured in amusement as she watched her co-worker bounce up and down with a camera phone squealing excitedly about Merthur.

"I'm buying you mouthwash for Christmas," Colin mumbled disgustedly, "How can you still taste of the curry last night?"

"Shut up _Colin_," Bradley shouted.

The director merely groaned as the pair went into an argument and Angel chased after Katie to calm her down while a team of PR workers wrestled the mobile away from her.

"I really don't get paid enough for this," the director moaned.

"Neither does Merlin," Colin said somewhat cheerfully.

"Shut up Colin!"


	50. Camelot's Rugby Club

**Summary: **reincarnation! Fic. Jenny Smith is watching the CRC practise while hoping her best mate Martin won't get hurt.

**Pairings: **a little Arthur/Gwen and lots of implied Knights on Knights action.

Jenny Smith was standing on a muddy field freezing to death.

On any other day she would refuse out right to be standing there in her new shoes with nothing but her thin coat to keep her warm but this wasn't any other day. Her brother and his dickhead friend had managed to persuade her best friend in the whole world Martin into playing Rugby with them.

Why Martin felt the need to play with those morons she had no idea but one look at his pleadingly puppy blue eyes and she had to be there to support him. He had no idea how brutal and vicious Rugby can be!

Camelot's Rugby Club was an amateur local club created solely for the business tycoon's son's pleasure. Artie Pendragon (also known as A. Pendick amongst others) loved sports and was on every team available in their town but really wanted to play Rugby. The team was lacking the right numbers right now only consisting of Artie, Jenny's brother Elliot, Leo, Percy, Lance, Wayne, and now Martin. It was a good thing they don't play against anyone or they would end up dead the lot of them! Well not Percy; Percy had a body of an ox and over towered everyone in the club.

Martin came out in full Rugby gear and grinned at Jenny when he saw her while giving her the thumbs up to show he was all right.

"_Mar_tin," Artie sneered, "what on earth are you wearing?"

"Rugby gear!"Martin snapped defensively, "Uncle Guy brought it for me. Said if I didn't wear it I would definitely get a concussion."

"Only wimps wear protective gear," Artie snorted, "right guys?"

Percy, Elliot, and Leo quickly agreed while Lance looked rather uncomfortable and Wayne shot Artie a dirty look. "You can talk princess," he sneered before wrapping an arm round Martin. "Marty has right to protect himself from you Pendick."

Jenny rolled her eyes. Wayne pretends to hate Artie for his wealth and arrogance but really he can't help but like him. No one disliked Artie really...well his stepsister did but that was a different story.

"Just play or I'll have you off the team," Artie barked.

Leo, always the peacekeeper, threw the rugby ball at Martin. It went straight into his gut and Jenny winced as her best friend doubled over and groaned.

"Get him," Artie said in a deadly quiet voice.

Martin let out a high pitched shriek before running as fast as he could across the pitch as the boys chased after him. Jenny grimaced and wondered why anyone will want to watch a group of idiots tackling one another. The boys were now in a dog pile fighting over the ball, just as Martin managed to crawl out from under the boys Wayne jumped on him and suddenly rubbed his face into Merlin's bottom.

Jenny's mouth dropped open and then suddenly she remembered.

She was Queen Guinevere of Camelot and over there was her husband, best friend Merlin, and her knights.

She sighed loudly, "a thousand years later and they still haven't grown up," she muttered.


	51. Captain Jack ShagaLot

**Summary: **the Rift pulls the Torchwood Team into Camelot where Jack proceeds to conquer everywhere with sex, Gwen is running for her life, Ianto is moaning, Tosh and Owen are in heaven (sort of), Merlin and Arthur are confused, and Gwaine is having the time of his life.

**Pairings: **Jack/Gwaine, Jack/Everyone, Arthur/Gwen, and implied Merthur.

Arthur was in the middle of getting dressed when a portal suddenly appeared and five people fell out onto the floor.

"Ouch, get off of me you fat git!" a woman who looked remarkably like that singing lady who tried to kill him a few years ago.

"Charming," said a mousy haired man sarcastically.

"Here, let me help you Tosh," said a man wearing very smart clothes as he helped a pretty girl with black hair up.

Hmm...Perhaps Arthur should inquire about this man's tailor; he needed to look smart and sexy since he was King.

"Why hello," a voice with a strange accent purred, "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, and you are?"

Arthur cannot explain what had happened. One moment he was about to call his guards and get these strange people locked up and then the next he had successfully cheated on his wife five times with this dark mysterious stranger.

He also had no idea where the other four went off to and decided perhaps it was best if he stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

Merlin can sort things out. It is his job after all.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Jack left the King with a smug smile on his face as he mentally ticked off another royal on his list. When he became more prone to ending up on Earth more than any other planet he had made it his life mission to seduce every royal there was. He still had about fifty to go seeing how prude those medieval queens were. Not Eleanor of Aquitaine though, oh she was feisty just like...

Jack's thoughts trailed off when he spotted someone familiar. "Why hello _Mer_lin," he purred.

"Erm...do I know you?"

"Ah, the troubles with time travel, we will meet again," Jack grinned remembering that meeting, "only you would be in the know and not me, now...how you're doing?"

Merlin honestly didn't know what happened next. One minute he was confused as someone from the future greeted him and the next he had just had a fantastic shag up against the wall.

He slowly fell to the ground with his back rubbing against the cold stone as he tried to remember how to use his legs...

MMMMMMMMM

Meanwhile Gwen was swearing like a sailor as she wandered around the corridors of the castle. First they lost Jack to...well Jack's sex drive, then they lost Owen when he discovered the physician's room and needed to educate Gaius on modern medicine, then Tosh just simply disappeared when they went past the library, and for some reason Ianto had vanished.

"Hello, who are you?" asked a gigantic bloke who looked rather dashing.

"I'm Gwen," Gwen said with a smile, "and who are you?"

"I am Sir Percival and-"

"YOU!"

Gwen turned around to see a man dressed in armour like Percival with long hair and a matching bear marching up to her. He looked like he recognised her but she can't remember for the life of her where she had met him.

"YOU TRIED TO MURDER THE KING FIVE YEARS AGO!"

Suddenly the kind expression of the giant bloke hardens and he went for his sword as the other guy held his up high.

There was nothing else to it Gwen legged it as fast as she could screaming her head off.

MMMMMMMMMMM

"It's annoying to be underappreciated."

"I know all you do is work, work, work, save their butts, and more work."

"And then they don't even acknowledge everything you do for them."

"You're the first one up and the last one to bed and there is no such thing as a day off for you."

"And years of sexual tension between you and your boss and suddenly some girl called Gwen comes along and you're back to being the tea boy!"

"Erm...Gwen is my best friend," Merlin said uncomfortably. "I like that Arthur married her, she sides with me."

"Yes, Gwen sides with me mostly too, but it isn't half frustrating knowing if it wasn't for other obstacles in life then your lover and friend would throw themselves at each other. How did you get over Arthur leaving you for Gwen?"

"There has never been an Arthur and Me!" Merlin protested.

Ianto ignored him as he silently despaired over the lack of coffee in Merlin's room.

MMMMMMMMMM

"Why hello there, I'm Captain Jack Harkness," one man purred when he bumped into another dashing handsome knight. He was making quite a list of conquests at this rate.

"Hello, I'm Sir Gwaine," the other man purred.

"Want to get a drink?"

"Don't mind if I do."

The two of them set of in the sunset hand in hand as they bonded over drinks, sexual conquests, and irritation over arrogant men, oh and unrequited love.

Naturally they shagged several times before tag teaming against the people of Camelot. In the end Arthur had to order them to be locked in chastity belts which once they were finally home again (Gwen scarred, Tosh enthralled, and Owen big-headed,) Ianto was forced to pick the lock so he can actually get some.

Honestly he should have stayed in Camelot with Merlin who understood him.


	52. The Mergana Love Child!

**Summary: **Mordred prevents being murdered by Merlin by telling him the truth of his parentage.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Morgana and implied Arthur/Gwen

Gwen and Gwaine had never been so terrified in their lives. First Camelot was destroyed, then Arthur was brutally murdered, and now Merlin and Mordred were having the most terrifying, gigantic, epic magic battle in the world.

Explosions, elements, and a few weapons were being flung at one another as well as some nasty insults.

"You killed my son!" Merlin howled in grief.

"Erm...Merlin?" Gwen interrupted the battle nervously. "I don't want to ruin your, erm, ah, well fun but Arthur was your King not your son."

Merlin almost looked normal as his blazing angry gold eyes reverted back to his normal blue and a sardonic expression replaced the grieve-stricken angry look. "Gwen, I washed that man's socks, helped him get dressed in the morning, fed him morning, noon, and night, bathed him, tucked him in at night, and taught him lessons in acting like a proper person instead of the prat he is. Of course I was his bloody mother."

"I need to get him into therapy soon," Gwen muttered to Gwaine as Merlin turned back to fight Mordred.

"I can be his therapist," Gwaine suggested brightly.

"I'm not going to let you take him to the Tavern Gwaine!"

"I didn't kill your son!" Mordred roared with fury as he dodged another attack from Merlin. "I AM YOUR SON!"

There was a moment of silence as Merlin's mouth dropped open in either disbelieve or horror. Gwen was inclined to believe it was both since that was what she felt. "Or maybe I need to take that kid to a Tavern," Gwaine muttered to himself.

"That's...that's not possible," Merlin managed to choke out.

"Isn't it?" Mordred smirked a very familiar smirk that sent chills down Merlin's, Gwen's, and Gwaine's backs. "My mother explained it all. She knew _instinctively_ when we first met. You did too. That's why you saved me. She ran away you see, from an arranged marriage. Long time ago, she was not yet sixteen and _you saved her_. You took her in and taught her a better life and how to love. You _were happy_ together. Then she fell with child and you were being chased so you ran to the druids and they helped but he came along. And he wanted me and you gone, he made the druids erase yours and her memories and sent you back home and dragged her back to Camelot kicking and screaming."

"No..." Merlin said fearfully.

"It's the Pendragons fault that I grew up without my parents! It was Arthur's fault that my mother was abandoned and betrayed by you! It was Arthur's fault that you were on the wrong side! But he's gone now, Father, you no longer chained to him by destiny. You can come home and together the three of us can rule the world."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Merlin screamed in horror. "THIS MAKES NO SENSE I'M A VIRGIN!"

"Yes think about it Father you can rejoin my mother, the Lady Morgana, and we can live happily ever after!"

Gwen wanted to pinch herself just to make sure this silly melodrama was actually happening right before her eyes. She did indeed remember Morgana running away before her sixteenth birthday, she had almost gotten whipped for it if it wasn't for her darling Arthur rescuing her, and she did remember Morgana had no memory of running away when she came back. The king claimed she hit her head on the way back and they were forbidden to say a thing...but _come on_! This sounded utterly ridiculous! The next thing Gwen knows Mordred will try to claim he is the incestuous love child of Morgana and Arthur!

Gwaine managed to close his mouth again after the shocking scandal was revealed he hoped Merlin will get over this, kill Mordred, and then go to the Tavern with him because he was really in need of a drink right now.

So he said the one thing that was certain to break the ice right now.

"Are you telling me that you're nearly _forty_ and still thought you were a _virgin?_!"


	53. Pendragon Vs Pendragon

**Summary: **Arthur is divorcing Gwen who is fighting for custody over Merlin.

**Pairings: **past Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, and parental Gwen/Merlin/Arthur.**  
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Geoffrey sighed heavily before he called order for the court room. He sometimes wonders what Uther was thinking when he had not only assigned him librarian but priest, judge, and a member of the council. He had no time to read a good romance these days with all this death, marriages, and drama! He cleared his throat loudly before he began to read aloud.

"We are here today to preside judgement over the divorce of King Arthur Pendragon and Queen Guinevere Pendragon," he droned causing a couple of knights to doze off, "the person suing for a divorce is our Royal Highness, King Arthur Pendragon, over the matter of adultery. Her Royal Highness is accused of sharing her bed with the knight, Sir Lancelot, who has miraculously come back from the dead again."

Lancelot ducked his head in shame and embarrassment as several people glared at him. Gwen also flushed with embarrassment but she refused to be ashamed seeing as she would not have had an affair if Arthur would actually bed her for once!

"It has been agreed that Queen Guinevere will forfeit any right to rule Camelot as well as any access to the royal treasury apart from the annual stipend for her living expenses," Geoffrey continued on, "the only difficulty we have is that Her Royal Highness is suing for the custody of their erm...Merlin."

"WHAT?!"

"You can't have custody of Merlin, he's my servant!"

"You can't have custody of me I'm a grown man!"

"Shut up Merlin!" Gwen and Arthur snapped before glaring at one another.

"Merlin is my best friend before he became your servant; I give him the love, care, and respect he desperately needs!" Gwen suddenly shrieked at her soon to be ex-husband. "As the mother it's my given right to have custody over Merlin before a man who is too busy to care for him!"

Merlin gaped at Gwen, partly in horror and partly in shock; she thought he was her _kid_? I mean come on he took care of her too! There was nothing parental in their friendship! They were just best friends!

"Well Merlin serves my every need and it is my duty to care for him in return!" Arthur snapped. "How can he be trusted in your hands when you are so willing to betray your husband in favour of another man? What if another child demands your attentions, will Merlin be left out in the cold? You should be banished without a single penny let alone with _Mer_lin!"

Merlin was beginning to wonder if he was no longer a living breathing person but rather an object that could be collected.

It was a rather depressing thought.

"You abuse him! You call him vicious names, throw things at him, and hit him all the time! Why should he stay with you?!"

"Because I'm the King!"

"You're a great big prat!"

"May I inject?" Gaius asked standing up slowly. He was no longer energetic as he used to be and would really prefer to sit down but he needed to heard on this matter. Geoffrey looked at him with relief and nodded his consent while Gwen folded her arms, and Arthur pouted. "Merlin is neither of yours to claim. He is _my_ ward, I feed him, punish him, scold him, ensure he is in bed in time to rise early, and listen to his problems. You two do absolutely nothing! So stop this childish bickering, go through the divorce as planned and let poor Merlin decide who he wants to serve."

"I just want to go home," Merlin muttered. He wished that his mother never sent him to Camelot so he could have a nice, quiet, peaceful life with perhaps a girl like Freya. "I don't know why they want custody over me anyway; I'm thirty five years old!"

As always Merlin was ignored. Geoffrey ruled that Gaius would keep custody of Merlin while Gwen and Arthur bickered over who deserved to keep Merlin when Gaius died. Lancelot was daydreaming, Gwaine was drinking, Leon wasn't really paying attention, and poor Percival was stuck listening to Elyan's complaining.

"I don't understand why neither of them would fight over _me!_" he whined. "After all I'm Gwen's brother and Arthur's knight."

"Probably because you keep trying to kill Arthur and turn your back on Gwen whenever she needs you," Percival pointed out.

"But still! I'm more their child than Merlin is!"

Percival began wondering if he was the only normal one apart from Geoffrey who looked like he could cry right now.


	54. Terrible Accusations

**Summary: **after Lancelot's second death Merlin comes to a worrying conclusion about his life in Camelot.

**Pairings: **implied, completely fictional, one-sided Gaius/Merlin, hinted Agravaine/Arthur, Merthur, and Gwen/Lancelot.

"Gaius...are you sexually abusing me?"

So far Gaius had had a pleasant day with no interruptions pending a new disaster or threat to Camelot. There was very few illnesses today and that had given him the chance to stock up on his potions and to reread his favourite book while enjoying the pleasant sun that shone through his windows.

Then Merlin suddenly came in all shifty and nervous and at first Gaius thought he turned Arthur into a frog again but instead after some prodding Merlin blurted out that question.

He stared disbelievingly at his ward. "I beg your pardon, Merlin?"

"Are you sexually abusing me?" Merlin repeated slowly as Gaius was an idiot.

Gaius dearly loved to point out that the idiot in this room was Merlin not him.

"What on earth made you think such a thing Merlin?" Gaius demanded to know. He wondered if it was a new plot of Agravaine's to discredit Gaius. It would be typical when he just reassured one of his 'children' that he was loyal to the end that the other one would decide he was a child molester. "Has someone been putting ideas in your head?"

"No! I figured it out on my own! When Lancelot was staying in my bedroom I realised there was a great big peep hole in my door when I was spying on him."

Gaius raised an eyebrow. "You only just realised that was there? Merlin that hole has been there since Morgana threw her shoe at Arthur when they were thirteen."

"I keep waking up half dressed, have you been drugging me and taking my clothes off?"

The eyebrow went higher. "Merlin you keep falling asleep while you're getting undressed Arthur has been overworking you that much."

"You never let me near the girls I fancy either!"

"What girls? I was under the impression Arthur was your life."

"And you won't let me have my friends round. You want me to yourself, don't you?"

"Oh for the love of God! Merlin your friends are annoying, Arthur is a complete moron, Gwaine is a drunkard, Leon is oblivious to everything and keeps accidentally drinking my poisons, Elyan is basically a terrible person especially to Gwen, Percival keeps knocking things over, Gwen keeps hitting me with a silver jug when you're all away, and don't get me started on how boring George is."

"You keep touching my shoulder!" Merlin bellowed obviously not listening to Gaius at all. "I'm going to go to Arthur and tell him all about this! After all he's suffering the same problem!"

"You go and do that Merlin while I just continue enjoying my day before you interrupted it," Gaius said calmly as he returned to his book, Gwendolyn was about to run away with Snarlsasnot who despite his name was a chivalrous knight. When he heard the door shut with a loud thud he sighed, "I wonder if I should write to Hunith and tell her exactly why she shouldn't have dropped Merlin on his head so many times when he was an infant." He looked back at his book where he was at a very dramatic moment and then shook his head. "Nah, I'm sure Hunith already knows her son is an idiot."


	55. Watching Merlin Part 4

**Summary: **Merlin and the gang watches series 4 of Merlin.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur, Arthur/Mithian, Merthur, Morgana/Merlin, Lancelot/Gwen, one-sided Agravaine/Morgana, one-sided Agravaine/Gwen, one-sided Agravaine/Arthur, and slightly implied Morgana/Lancelot.

The morning was filled with arguments and screaming as the knights, Arthur, Merlin, Gwen, and Morgana fought over who should have a shower next.

Gaius rubbed his temples and wished to be home soon so he could have his never-ending supply of headache potions. Handling the 'children' has always seemed much easier when he was constantly drugged.

Soon after breakfast when they were all washed and dressed they settled down to watch the last series of Merlin. Once it started Morgana instantly grimaced at the state of her future self. She already missed the rich cloth of her dresses, daily baths, and actual colour and this hasn't happened to her.

Leon tried hard not to glare at Morgana for her future self's actions and instantly cheered up when Merlin appeared on the screen trying to do his chores. All of the knights cheered when they saw their future selves successfully steal from the kitchen.

"Stop being so childish," Arthur snapped.

"Easy for you to say you can just order the cook to give you whatever you want," Gwaine muttered darkly, "if we so much as ask we get a slap."

Arthur cheered up immensely when he saw his uncle Agravaine on the screen. "Uncle Agravaine is coming back!" he cheered. "I haven't seen him in years. In fact I think I was twelve, he brought me lots of sweets, and a new cloak, and a sword, and a bow, and some very fine tunics."

"So basically he spoilt you rotten and made your large head grow even larger," Merlin deadpanned.

Arthur ignored him while the others sniggered around him while Morgana grimaced once more at the mention of Agravaine. She really didn't like Agravaine when he had last visited she found him very creepy and thanked the deities that Gaius came to give her a sleeping draught when he did or otherwise she might have suffered worse than a leering look from a much older man while she was wearing nothing but her night clothes.

Morgana let out a horrified gasp and forgot all about Agravaine as she watched her future self plunge a knife into her sister's chest and some tears rolled down her cheeks. Merlin held her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze while Gwen took her other hand. Their comfort turned into worry when Merlin's future self instantly collapsed onto the ground.

They all shivered as Morgana's sacrifice brought ruin throughout the land. The Dorocha was definitely going to make some appearances in all of their dreams tonight that was for sure.

The knights all looked grim when they had to go on the quest that would end Arthur's life and Arthur just looked grim because Gwen was having a moment with _Lancelot_ on the screen (and the real Gwen was smiling at Lancelot!).

Then Merlin had to go and fucking sacrifice himself for Arthur!

For that, as the first episode ended, Merlin had to sit through a very long lecture from all the knights, Arthur, Gwen, and Gaius about how one shouldn't just jump into things without thinking things through. Morgana would have probably joined in with a catty and witty remark but she hadn't spoken since she saw her sister die and got told that basically Merlin was going to be her doom.

The next episode started and everyone looked horrified as Arthur strapped a frozen Merlin on the horse. Neither Gwen or Morgana would let alone get a look in as the held onto him, Arthur was a little irritated when Gwen pushed him aside on the sofa.

There was unspoken relief as Merlin was healed and cheering on Gwen's behalf (while she flushed a bright red) when she stood up for the people's sake in the council.

And then Agravaine turned out to be evil.

"Why is it always my relatives?" Arthur moaned. "Can't Merlin have an evil twin brother or Gwen an evil aunt or something for once? Why does it always have to be me?"

"Can you imagine two Merlins?" Gwaine asked rather amused. "All that magical booze..."

Morgana actually looked rather dreamy about having two Merlins to herself while Arthur looked horrified at the idea of extra back-chatting, extra sarcasm, and extra stupidity forever haunting him.

Everyone but Gaius, Gwen, Merlin, and Lancelot swore at Morgana when she almost killed Gwen. Morgana flushed with embarrassment and glared back especially at Arthur. Then Lancelot almost fainted when his future self got to meet the dragon and everyone had a good laugh at Gwaine in general.

"Yeah you're laughing now but sooner or later you're going to wish you were me," Gwaine said cockily as he flipped his hair.

"I would rather be a toad than you, ever," Leon said flatly.

"I would rather be Arthur," Morgana said snidely, "and that's saying something."

"Yeah exact- HEY!" Arthur yelped when he realised he just been insulted.

Then Lancelot died and all the laughter died a very quick death as Merlin let out a scream, "NOO!" he threw himself onto Lancelot and clung tightly to his shirt. "YOU CAN'T DIE AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH ALL THIS STUPIDITY!"

Lancelot was stuck comforting a crying Merlin as the others bowed their heads in a minute's silence and missed the end of the episode.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

The next episode had begun to cheer people up a fair bit. Merlin and Arthur were having their usual witty banter, there was a great big celebration where they would all be guaranteed booze, and Uther was looking much better.

The only person who wasn't cheered up was Lancelot who was rather miffed that everyone forgot he was dead very quickly.

"How can you be so cheerful when I just died?" he asked Merlin.

"I'm crying on the inside," Merlin informed him solemnly. "Besides you're not dead _yet_."

The good mood instantly died when Uther started to die and Morgana's future self was plotting to ensure he actually did die.

But it revived just as quickly with Merlin's pee lie ("God Merlin I need to teach you how to lie," Gwaine laughed) and then Merlin taking advantage of his disguise to use Arthur as a horse.

"Don't even think of trying that, _Mer_lin," Arthur sneered.

"I won't," Merlin grinned, "not when I can just turn you into a donkey and ride you."

"That sounds sooooooooo wrong!"

"_Gwaine_!" everyone yelled.

"Don't be so disgusting!" Gwen shrieked.

Soon enough Morgana's plan worked, Uther died (everyone but Arthur, Morgana, and Gaius struggled to not cheer at that), and future Arthur announced that magic was evil which made present Merlin feel like crap and caused everyone else to glare at him. Gwaine trying to cheer things up mock snored throughout Arthur's coronation.

It did not work.

They were then fairly bored as once again bad guy turns up to Camelot wanting something, once again Merlin only listens to the Great Dragon, and once again it all turns to shit until the ending (where the two girls cooed at how adorable Aithusa actually was). The only two times when they weren't bored was when Merlin tackled a half naked Arthur and the Knights became bullies.

For the former the response was simply this:

Gwaine wolf whistled, "who knew you were so randy, Merlin?" he waggled his eyebrows.

"Stop suggesting stuff about my best friend and boyfriend," Gwen snapped glaring at him.

"How about he just stops suggesting stuff?" Percival moaned.

"Gwaine just shut up!" Arthur snarled with Merlin nodding his head in agreement.

And then to the latter:

"NOOO! I HAVE TURNED INTO A ROYAL PRICK LIKE ARTHUR!"

"SHUT UP GWAINE!"

"Hey don't shout at me I'm not the one banging your sister!"

"Do you have to keep saying that?" Merlin groaned while Arthur looked like he wanted to be sick.

Once the episode ended the knights complied a long list of suggestive jests and teasing insults for Merlin and Arthur's new homoerotic relationship. Gwen had snatched the ten page list, rolled it up, and walloped them over the head with it. The knights were all in agreement that that was still better entertainment than this episode. They were once again bored as Arthur accidentally started a war with the help of Morgana's meddling.

"Honestly Arthur," Leon rolled his eyes, "you need to learn to stop listening to your obviously evil relatives and start listening to Merlin more often."

"Yeah!" Merlin piped up in agreement.

"Hey, first thing first, if we weren't watching this none of us would know that Agravaine is evil," Arthur said defensively, "and second thing do you really want the weight of our kingdom on _Merlin's _shoulders?"

"Yes," everyone said flatly.

"And for god sake Arthur it's blatantly obvious you're uncle is perverted creep and evil," Gwen added with a shudder.

Arthur sulked for the rest of the episode. Not only was his ego destroyed but the war became a secret battle between Morgana and Merlin, and he only won because of Merlin, again, damnit.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The next episode Merlin was suddenly smacked by all his friends for being 'a self-sacrificing git who needs to be a little more selfish' as Arthur eloquently put it. Then glares were turned to Morgana who looked very pleased with herself.

"Obviously Merlin is now going to be my sex slave," she smirked.

Merlin thought his head was going to explode his face was so hot. Gwaine wolf-whistled, Gaius almost feel out of his seat, Gwen sighed, Lancelot looked like he was going to faint, Percival, Elyan, and Leon looked like they really didn't want to be there, and Arthur gagged.

"I really didn't need that image in my head, Morgana," he said turning sickly white.

Morgana's smirk slid off her face, "never mind my future self obviously lost her marbles," she said disappointed, "after all who buys eye shadow but not shampoo and a hairbrush?"

"Is that _all_ you can think about?" Gaius raised an eyebrow. "Sex with Merlin and your appearances."

"Erm...yes?"

Gaius shook his head disappointed. "You were supposed to be one of the smart ones, where did I go wrong?"

For the rest of the episode Merlin remained silent out of shock seeing as Arthur actually hugged him. There was no ulterior motive to push him into a lake or something; there was no acting in front of thugs before preparing something, and no practising for Gwen. It was genuine hug.

He was also very creeped out about the fact George dressed in similar clothes to him but the less said on that topic the better.

Gwaine had said far too much and no one really wanted to think about it.

There were some laughs over the pathetic ways Merlin used to try and kill Arthur, more so when Gwen wielded the silver jug in a deadly fashion, and even more when Gwen stumbled across a naked Arthur.

Gwen, Arthur, Morgana, and Merlin thoroughly enjoyed laughing at the Knights when Merlin's old self kicks their arse and uses them as stairs.

Everyone sort of shuddered when Agravaine lovingly picked Morgana up and carried her off in the sunset.

"Someone kill me please," Morgana moaned to herself.

"Look on the bright side," Gwaine said in genuine attempt to cheer her up, "you can now bang Arthur's best friend."

"SHUT UP GWAINE!"

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur was being glared at.

No one appreciated him believing in Agravaine and every time he tried to defend his future self someone would give him the scariest, deadliest look (usually Gwen), and he shut up straight away. Gwaine soon got his fair share of looks when he easily believed in Agravaine's lie as Gaius almost got murdered.

"Hey! I had just taken a hard hit on the _head_!" Gwaine protested. "I'm concussed there. What's _Arthur's _excuse? I doubt he's constantly concussed."

"I wouldn't be surprised," Gaius muttered darkly.

Merlin cheered up a lot when Alator bowed down to him. It was nice to be appreciated a little not that he said anything out loud it was likely the Knights and Arthur would follow him around for weeks on end mocking him with fake bows.

In the next episode it was the Knights turn to be in the hall of shame as everyone glared at them for being so horrible to Merlin and Gwen. Though Arthur got his fair share of glares when his future self mocked Merlin from being rescued by Gwen.

"At least Gwen's successful in rescuing me," Merlin pointed out coldly.

In the next episode everyone cheered and wolf whistled Arthur and Gwen when he proposed. There was some naughty implications from Gwaine about Agravaine wanting to marry Arthur which caused everyone to shiver in disgust. The light humour changed when everyone turned to glare at Morgana who would have shifted guilty if she couldn't help but think how insane was her future self to not take advantage of having Lancelot at her bidding and relieve some of that tension?

Arthur smacked Merlin and told him off for not being so honest or otherwise his future self would undoubtedly married Gwen right there and then if he knew she had been enchanted to kiss Lancelot.

The Knights swapped glances and wondered if they should just point out to Arthur there's been deep sexual, sensual and emotional tension between Lancelot and Gwen since they first met.

Then they decided they kinda liked to keep their heads on, not be imprisoned, or put in the stocks and kept their mouths shut.

Elyan wanted to die on the spot when his future self did nothing for his sister and then in the next episode he gets possessed and almost kills Arthur.

Gwen thought it was poetic justice and Merlin wouldn't stop ranting about how they should all listen to him once in a while for their own safety. The Knights honestly stopped listening within five minutes.

They then finally stopped for a late lunch with everything very awkward. Lancelot and Gwen were careful to not even look at one another, Gwaine was being stabbed by a fork every time he so much as opened his mouth to speak, Elyan was receiving deadly looks and threats from his own sister, Morgana was flirting with Merlin, Arthur was in a foul mood, and Gaius really, really, just wanted to go home.

Percival and Leon wondered what it would be like to have a nice quiet and peaceful life.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"Well you got over me, fast didn't you?" Gwen said raising an eyebrow at Arthur.

"I...erm...ah...err...Merlin say something!"

"You're a prat," Merlin said flatly.

"Say something else!"

"Gwen deserves better."

"You are no help!" Arthur whined.

"But completely right," Morgana added.

The Knights found it difficult to agree with Gwen when Mithian was probably the coolest girl they had ever met. They have never seen a girl who laughed off embarrassment and held a burping contest while looking beautiful at the same time. To make it up to people they did agree Arthur was a complete prat when he wouldn't listen to Merlin about Agravaine.

"At least you're still my friend," Gwen mumbled as she rested her head on Merlin's shoulder.

The others shifted guiltily, Morgana had turned Gwen into a deer and the Knights and Arthur almost killed her, only Merlin healed her and took care of her.

"I'll always be your friend even if you sleep with hundreds of men," Merlin reassured Gwen,

"And I'll always hit you on the head when you're possessed," Gwen promised.

"Err...couldn't you just bake me a pie instead?"

The episode ended with Arthur not marrying Mithian much to the Knights' disappointment and Merlin's happiness. The next episode started with a lot of slow movement effects as Morgana invades Camelot.

"Oh god," Morgana moaned as she buried her face in her hands, "that looks awful. I look pathetic with Agravaine moving like that so his hair will flop just _so_."

She cheered up immensely when Merlin's spell made Arthur a complete moron.

"_Why_ Merlin?" Arthur whined. "Why would you do that to me?"

"I had no choice!" Merlin snapped. "If you weren't such a self-sacrificing prat you would have kept all of your mental facilities. Just remember I could have easily used that spell in the last few years and made you do my bidding."

"I'm sure my Father would have noticed," Arthur pointed out the flaw in Merlin's apparent evil plan.

"I wouldn't bet on it," Gaius muttered.

The Knights glared at Morgana for torturing Elyan while Morgana couldn't help but think he deserved it considering how he treated Gwen. Then they all cheered up when Merlin met Tristan and Isolde who definitely had potential to be on the Round Table. They also had a good laugh when Merlin convinced everyone that Arthur was a village idiot and Arthur helped by hugging a tree dreamily.

By the end of the episode where Arthur and Gwen were reunited and about to be hunted down by Agravaine they all turned to Arthur.

"Please invite them to Camelot," Percival asked nicely.

"Why?" Arthur asked confused. "They're smugglers."

"They're _awesome_ smugglers," Gwaine corrected, "I would love to hang out with Tristan."

"He's a very good fighter," Leon jumped in quickly knowing Arthur would say no thinking they only wanted Tristan as a drinking partner. "He could teach all of us so much in defending Camelot."

"He's honourable," Lancelot threw in.

"And he doesn't take any shit from you," Merlin added cheerfully.

"We just need another girl," Gwen said, "it's difficult having no one to talk to about my menstrual cycle and how stupid boys are."

The boys groaned so loudly at _menstrual cycle_ that they didn't hear the rest Gwen said. Morgana smirked at Gwen and they shared a silent promise to have a girly night soon where they will talk about how stupid the boys were...especially Arthur.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

There was little to be said about the last episode (apart from the relieved shout of 'FINALLY!' from Arthur and Gaius both of which really wanted to go home now), it was too much like series three finale. Once again Arthur lost his confidence and Merlin had to build it up again with the help of the Knights and Gwen. They defeat Morgana, Agravaine died thanks to Merlin's awesome powers, Morgana had a breakdown – _again_, and Arthur realised what a big prat he was and married Gwen which everyone cheered and shouted "FINALLY!" for.

The only real downside to the episode was Isolde dying which caused Gwen to cry. "You have to save her in the future," she ordered Arthur. "Poor Tristan doesn't deserve to lose the love of his life and I really want to have another friend who doesn't have a penis."

"Yes dear," Arthur said uncomfortably.

Aithusa saved Morgana which no one understood why not even Morgana or Merlin and then the episode ended. "That's the end!" Gaius said cheerfully as he stretched. "Let's go home, have a good think, and then start planning to make some changes so that future doesn't happen."

"Just a moment Gaius a letter has magically appeared," Merlin said holding up a folded piece of white paper. He unfolded it and began to read it. "Dear Merlin and others," he read aloud, "there is to be another series of Merlin coming out in a couple months time. It will take another few months before it's available on DVD therefore until it does come out you will remain here and enjoy our modern day technology and plot how to change what you already have seen today. Sincerely, a fan."

Gaius fell to his knees, "NOO!" he yelled to the ceiling. "Why must I be stuck with these idiots?!"

"Blimey Gaius really doesn't like you, does he?" Arthur said obliviously to Merlin.

Everyone agreed that Arthur deserved that punch.


	56. A Jane Austen Parody

**Summary: **Morgana and Morgause cast a spell on Camelot to make them have nightmares. Something goes wrong and instead the characters dream about Jane Austen's books instead.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Arthur, Gwaine/Elena, Morgana/Alvarr/Morgause, Great Dragon/Gaius, Mordred/Merlin, Gaius/Alice, failed Morgana/Arthur, Uther/Gaius, and one-sided Uther/Morgana.

Morgause and Morgana cackled into the night as their spell was now completed. "Soon, Sister dear," Morgause said gleefully, "the whole of Camelot will be suffering from severe nightmares and we shall take over and rule the world!"

"Yes Sister," Morgana said excitedly, "now I must go back before someone realises I have gone."

"Pleasant dreams, Sister," Morgause said kissing Morgana's cheek, "for you will be the only one in Camelot who won't be plagued by nightmares."

**Pride and Prejudice:**

Merlin was having the strangest dream in his life. Suddenly he had four sisters, Gwen, Morgana, Freya, and another one who he didn't know her name. Gaius suddenly didn't care anymore and spent his days locked in the library and terrifyingly the Great Dragon became his mother.

His nagging mother that wanted to marry him off first to Mordred and then just basically anyone. Gwen was being pushed into Lancelot's arms, and Morgana, Freya, and the nameless sister in anyone's as well.

"You need to marry and make me lots of magical grandbabies!" the Dragon yelled at Merlin. "Mr Emrys help me out here; tell our Merlin that he must marry his cousin."

"Go away you old hag," Gaius mumbled from behind his book.

"Oh my poor nerves!" the Great Dragon wailed.

Meanwhile Lancelot was spending too much time with Arthur for Merlin's liking. Not only had he heard Arthur call him ugly but Arthur was acting like that Royal Prat before Merlin deflated his ego. As this strange dream continued Merlin had to fight the urge to not strangle Arthur for his prattish ways or in fact to scream at everyone.

If another person started talking about how 'enchanting' and 'bewitching' his 'pretty' eyes were he will zap them into dust!

Then he and Arthur had one of their usual arguments.

"Prat," Merlin spat out.

"Idiot," was Arthur's immediate reply. "_Mer_lin, marry me," Arthur said suddenly before Merlin could reply to his insult, "even though I don't approve of your family and lack of wealth."

"NO," Merlin shouted before even realising what Arthur had asked.

Gwen got dumped by Lancelot and it was Arthur's fault. Morgana ran off with Alvarr and Arthur got her back and then suddenly Merlin turned round and announced he will marry Arthur.

What the fuck?

"Oh my babies are getting married!" the Great Dragon said shrilly. "My Gwen with that nice Lancelot lad, my Morgana with that lovely scoundrel Alvarr, and now my Merlin with that lovely Mr Pendragon. Oh I just knew they would marry since that day at the ball. They are two sides of the same coin!"

Merlin woke up with a loud yelp of horror.

Oh thank god that was just a dream. He didn't think his life could get any weirder.

Or stupider.

**Sense and Sensibility:**

Morgana didn't realise that the spell went wrong until near the end of her dream. It was a very pleasant one in general although she lost all her money and her father she lived with her mother, Morgause, and another little sister called Margret in a sweet little cottage where she was worshipped as the prettier, confident, and more talented sister.

Then the dashing Alvarr came into her dreams and rescued her when she twisted her ankle. They had a lovely courtship that Morgana craved to have but in reality only Gwen got it (from Arthur _and_ Lancelot, Morgana could barely keep one man while Gwen the lucky cow got two!) and then suddenly he disappeared. Morgana then went on a trip with Morgause where she learnt not only was Alvarr a two-faced cheating bastard but Morgause lost her love to another man.

Then Morgana got ill which wasn't very nice but she recovered and was smothered with love and attention so that was okay.

But then the man who rescued her and been around in the background was facing her and he suddenly blurted out a proposal.

"Oh yes," Morgana said breathlessly, "I just realised after all of this time that you're the man for me."

Suddenly Uther leaned in to kiss her and just as his lips were about to touch hers she woke up with a loud scream.

"Fucking Morgause and her crap spell-casting skills," Morgana swore as she shivered from the horrible nightmare.

**Emma:**

Uther was a terrible matchmaker.

First he tried to matchmake Arthur with Morgana but Morgana refused out right and ran off to the bath for a long time where Uther was comforting a sobbing Arthur.

...well all right Merlin was doing the comforting as he patted Arthur's back and allowed Arthur to weep into his tunic. Uther is too busy being king and the best matchmaker in the land to let Arthur get snot all over his best tunic! Gaius told him off for a very long time which bored him.

Then Elena came to Camelot and Uther tried his best to matchmake her with Arthur. It seemed to be working though for some reason that drunken waste of a man that Arthur liked to spend time with...what was his name again? Gwen? Wayne? It was something along those lines. Anyway he kept glaring at Uther though Uther tried to be friends with his aunt Merlin (at this point Uther was sure he was wrong about _something)_ as well as him.

Then they had a picnic and he told Merlin off for being a bumbling, talkative idiot that never shuts up causing Gaius to tell him off again!

Frustrated and fed up Uther burst into noisy tears.

And then Elena ran off with that drunken bloke and Arthur announced he was marrying Morgana's maid, and then Gaius came back looking very sorry.

"I know you're heartbroken about Elena but I'm sure you'll find a nice girl one day," Gaius said comfortingly.

"What? I wasn't trying to have Elena for myself I was setting her up with Arthur!" Uther cried out in confusion.

A look of happiness settled on Gaius' face, something Uther hadn't seen since he tried to execute him for magic, and then he said, "Uther I love you."

"I love you too, Gaius, I always have even though I didn't realise it till now!"

As Gaius' lips were about to touch his Uther woke up clutching his heart.

"I got to stop eating cheese before I go to sleep," he frowned.

**Mansfield Park:**

Gaius had the best dream he had in decades.

He was married to Alice and had four children, Gwaine was his whoring alcoholic son away in Town, Arthur was his oblivious idiot son (no change there), and Morgana and Morgause were his cold hearted daughters.

He was also raising sweet Gwen who was his niece from Alice's side of the family.

Gaius then spent most of his dream enjoying the sun on his plantation and then returning home to enjoy his soft feather bed. In the meantime Arthur had his heart broken, Gwaine almost died, and both of his daughters ran off with the same bloke, and then finally Arthur married Gwen and everyone was happy.

When Gaius woke up he felt like crying when he realised there was no feather bed in reality.

Damn the cruel world!

**Persuasion:**

Gwen had a dream that she had every night.

She is just about to marry Arthur, and my how charming and handsome he looks as he proposes to her, and then suddenly Morgana disapproves and within a few days she persuades Gwen to break the engagement. Gwen does so and Arthur goes off in a sulk with Merlin trailing after him

Gwen spends a good part of the dream in a depressed funk as her father and Elyan spend all their money and they have to rent out their cottage to pay off the debts.

Arthur offered but then got distracted by some other girl for a moment when Lancelot swooped in and saved Gwen from all her troubles.

She marries him and they go off to the sunset as Gwen continues to dream with a smile on her face.

Oh and in the dream she's ignoring Merlin who's shouting behind her, "That's not how the story goes!"

Gwen really couldn't give a shit.

**Northanger Abbey:**

Arthur slept like a baby.

In his dream he kept falling into mini-dreams about slaying dragons, solving murders, and being rescued by that dashing knight. It was a pleasant change from all those nightmares about Gwen leaving him for Lancelot, Morgana being evil, his father not wanting anything to do with him, and Merlin having magic.

In fact the dream was so good he replayed it several times until Merlin barged in with breakfast the next day.

Meanwhile Morgana sneaked out just after breakfast to find Morgause waiting for her.

"Well?" Morgause demanded to know.

"It didn't work, Gwen is happy, Gaius is a little grumpy as usual, Merlin is...well _Merlin,_ and Arthur and Uther acted exactly like they always do," Morgana moaned, "and then of course I suffered with the worst nightmare in the world where I almost married Uther."

The two of them shuddered at the concept.

"Bugger," Morgause muttered, "I knew I used too much poppy essence. Oh well we shall try a different approach, how about another undead army?"

Morgana decided she needed to teach her sister on originality.

**Author's Note: if you enjoyed this and love Jane Austen's works in general you might be interested in my more serious crossover fic called Austen House. It's basically the six books crossed-over with one another and set in a modern time. Please check it out and in the meantime review XD. **


	57. Queen Gwen the Matchmaker

**Summary: **Gwen decides to plan playing matchmaker with Arthur on Merlin's behalf. Merlin is not impressed. Neither is Sefa.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur, implied Merlin/Sefa, slight implication of Mergana and Merlin/others.

The moment dinner was placed before him Arthur began to dig in. It looked delicious, smelt it, and by god it tasted divine. He was starving having spent the day doing paperwork and training and having no time to eat. Merlin won't stop moaning about that part since he spent the whole day helping him and didn't have time to eat either. It was enough to make Arthur throw something at him.

Just as he dug into his deliciously smoked salmon Gwen spoke up, "I've been thinking about marrying Merlin off," she said cheerfully.

Arthur choked on the fish behind him he could hear Merlin choke on nothing at all. The bloody idiot can't even stand there without almost killing himself.

"Wha..?" Arthur managed to gargle out.

Gwen gave him a withering look. He knew what that look meant she often gave it to him when he was eating or done something extremely prattish. It meant _mind your manners_. He always had the urge to remind her he was the King and had the most perfect manners but it would only result in sleeping in Merlin's bed for the night.

"I think we need to find Merlin someone," Gwen repeated herself, "a nice young girl will do him wonders."

"Are you sure he even likes girls?" Arthur asked.

"Hey!"

"Of course he does, I used to see him check out Morgana, other serving girls, and a couple of the ladies all the time," Gwen said rolling her eyes. "He needs a wife. The sooner the better, he keeps bursting in when we're trying to have time alone as a couple."

"I am standing right here you know."

"I know," Arthur said to Gwen, "it is annoying but then it's _Merlin_ we're talking about. He is the _very definition_ of annoying."

"Am not!"

"I had this wonderful thought though," Gwen said ignoring her husband's insult on her best friend. She had learnt a long time ago it was always best to pick the battles when it came to defending Merlin. If she fought over the smallest insult she would be wasting her breath. "As your manservant Merlin has very little time to court a girl."

"I am not giving him time off, I need him," Arthur said sternly.

"Oh no, I wasn't going to suggest that," Gwen said hurriedly, "What I was going to suggest that we should matchmake Merlin with my maid servant. While Sefa's duties are not as demanding as Merlin's she will still coincide with him and it would give them plenty of time to court. If we push them gently and remind them how the other is so wonderful I am sure they will end up wedding in no time!"

"If you say so dear," Arthur said rather amused. "What do you think Merlin, do you like Sefa?"

Gwen's neck made a loud snapping noise as she turned her head quickly to the side. There standing aside from the table waiting to serve them was Sefa and Merlin. Sefa was a stammering, blushing, and very flustered mess who kept her eyes down on the floor and was playing with her dress.

Merlin on the other hand looked very _un-amused_. "Oh _now _you remember I exist?" he said dryly.


	58. Lookalike

**Summary: **Arthur can't help but voicing how similar Merlin and Mordred look.

**Pairings: **implied Merlin/OC or is it implied Merlin/Morgana, who knows.

Arthur took one look at Merlin, who was looking rather sick and horrified, and then he took one look at this 'Mordred', who was looking very bored and indifferent to everything, and then he made the connection.

"Are you two brothers?"

"_No_," Merlin spat out. "What on earth made you ask that?"

"Well you both look quite alike," Arthur explained while shooting his manservant a glare. No one spoke to the King in that tone. "Are you sure you're not cousins?"

"We look nothing alike!" Merlin cried out.

"Yes you do!" Arthur argued. "You both have dark hair, blue eyes, high cheek bones, and deadly pale skin...does your family have some sort of skin disease?"

"WE'RE NOT RELATED!" Merlin shrieked. "Morgana has dark hair, blue eyes, high cheek bones and deadly pale skin and you don't ask me if I'm her brother!"

"She has green eyes," Mordred corrected Merlin sullenly.

Arthur took a glance at Mordred who was staring resentfully at Merlin and then he glanced back at Merlin who seemed angry, terrified, and a tiny bit guilty. Arthur was a very perceptive bloke (ha!) and he knew his best friend slash manservant slash advisor slash general slave was hiding something from him and now he just worked out what it was.

"He's your son!"

"_What?!"_ Merlin cried out. "What the hell are you on about? How _the bloody fuck_ could Mordred be my son? There's a seven years difference in our age! Are you saying I was such a sexually powerful _seven year old_ that I managed to get some older girl knocked up? Arthur how many times have you hit your head?"

"Well he could be your son," Arthur grumbled in embarrassment as his cheeks flushed bright red. He hated it when Merlin made him feel like an idiot. It happened far too often than it should and it when against the law. No one should make the King feel stupid. Maybe he should put Merlin in the stocks again?

"_How?_" Merlin asked. "How can Mordred still be my son?"

"Time travel," Arthur said pleased with himself.

Merlin face palmed as Mordred turned to stare at Merlin with a disbelieving look. "And you're trying to prevent me from killing him..._why?_"

"Trust me," Merlin said dryly, "I'm not entirely sure myself."


	59. The Question with No Answer

**Summary: **Merlin asks his one question.

**Pairings: **implied Gwen/Arthur and Morgana/OCs.

"I do have just one question."

"Yes?"

This had to be one of the weirdest days in Merlin's life. Not only had everything he had been expecting about Mordred – murderer, traitor, seriously evil – was completely wrong but he had to climb through a rubbish chute (okay maybe that was not so weird), rescue what seemed to be Morgana's sex harem (why else were they shirtless?), find out Aithusa was now Morgana's pet or something along those lines, and now had a weird alien creature that's forehead glowed in the dark and told him he was wise.

Seriously why is it only the weirdoes that call him wise?

Apparently this creature is the Euchdag who held every bit of knowledge in the world and Merlin just suddenly had a streak of inspiration. This weird looking guy could help him solve the greatest mystery in the world. The one thing that Merlin and Gaius could never figure out, the one thing that not even _Gwen_ could figure out and she was probably the smartest person in Camelot and married to Arthur, and related to Elyan, and grew up with Leon, the one thing the Dragon couldn't figure out and he knows pretty much everything!

"Why are Arthur and the Knights so bloody stupid?"

The Euchdag opened his mouth and then he closed it, he then opened it again before immediately shutting it.

After a moment's silence he finally spoke up, "That is the one thing I do not know," he confessed sheepishly.

"B-b-but you're supposed to be the key to _**ALL**_ knowledge!" Merlin protested.

"Yes but there are just some things in life that defy logic and remain a mystery," the Euchdag said in an attempt to be wise, "I am afraid no one shall know exactly why King Arthur and his Knights are, as you put it, so bloody stupid."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"


	60. EPIC FAIL!

**Summary: **Merlin doesn't quite make the jump.

**Pairings: **implied Gwen/Arthur and Gwen/Merlin friendship.

Merlin took a deep shuddery breath as he began to back up several steps.

It was fucking freezing, he had on nothing but a flimsy jacket, and he hadn't eaten in what felt like forever. He was weak, cold, and really, really, really just wished he stayed in bed when Arthur decided to go on another quest. Now he was about to jump across a huge gap between two flipping great big cliffs to escape several slave traders and Arthur's would be killer.

"Come on _Mer_lin," Arthur drawled, "we haven't got all day."

Merlin felt a little sick just thinking about jumping...shit he just had to get vertigo now, didn't he?

"_Mer_lin!"

Merlin took another deep breath and then did the running jump off the cliff.

For one brief moment he felt like he was flying, the wind was in his hair, the breeze on his face, and it felt rather good...

Then he couldn't feel any icy beneath his feet.

His eyes shot open and for another brief moment they met with Arthur's wide, terrified, and rather horrified blue eyes.

Then he plummeted downwards.

"FUCK YOU ARTHUR PENDRAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

_SPLAT!_

Mordred only just caught up with them when he heard Merlin's final last words (which were awesome), he shared a horrified look with Arthur at the sound of Merlin landing on the ground, and then at the same time they looked down.

"Ooh!" Arthur and Mordred grimaced.

"I am going to have such a hard time explaining this one to Gwen," Arthur muttered, "I wonder if she'll believe me if I told her he tripped?"


	61. Forgotten Something?

**Summary: **Mordred's first meeting with Gwen is ruined by a little fact...

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, implied one-sided Euchdag/Gwaine (all in Gwaine's head), and Gwen/Merlin friendship.

Arthur, the Knights, and Mordred had a fantastic if not long trip back home to Camelot. Well they did once they sorted out Arthur's wounds...and found some shirts.

They got to know one another really well, bonded over a few drinks and silly games, and found a new trust and stronger bond had grown between them all. Mordred was glowing with pride and happiness as Arthur promised him a knighthood and the others were very warm and welcoming to him. The only problem is he can't help but think he had forgotten something...

To top it off every time he tried to think of what it was that he had forgotten one of the knights would come and distract him. Gwaine was constantly trying to get him drunk, Percival was asking to see his sword movements, and a few others were asking all sorts about his past. And Arthur kept asking him for thing, Mordred didn't mind but it was a little insulting to be asked to polish the king's boots.

They finally made a grand entrance into Camelot where Queen Guinevere stood waiting for them dressed in a rich red dress. Arthur joyfully greeted her with huge bear hug, spinning her in the air, and then kissing her before putting her back to her feet.

_Yuck,_ Mordred's inner child groaned.

The Queen greeted the rest of the knights with either hugs or nods depending how close she was to the person and she beamed at Mordred as she thanked him for saving her husband's life.

"You have a feast to plan, love," Arthur said, "We shall knight Mordred here and celebrate the arrival of our new brother."

"I look forwards to it," Gwen said rolling her eyes at Arthur's cheesiness, "but where is Merlin? Have you ordered him to go straight to the stables?"

"Merlin?" Arthur repeated.

There is a long awkward silence as everyone kept their eyes peeled for Merlin in his bright red shirt and bold blue scarf. Mordred struggled to remember when was actually the last time he saw Emrys...he hadn't been around any of the celebrations, he didn't drink, he didn't play games, he didn't tell heart-warming truths about himself (not that Mordred could blame him, it's difficult to be truthful when you're illegal), and he hasn't been running around doing errands for Arthur either.

In fact the last time Mordred saw Merlin was when he just stabbed Morgana in the back (_literally_) as Merlin slipped into unconsciousness...

It seemed the knights came to the same conclusion as Mordred.

"_Shit_!" Gwaine swore.

"Oh no!" Percival gasped.

"He's still there?!" Arthur yelped. "Did the moron trip over and fall into a hole or something?!"

Mordred was surprised when the Queen suddenly smacked the King's head. "Don't insult my best friend," she scolded him. Then she slapped him properly. "You left my best friend in a dank, dark, damp dungeon of despair?!"

"Why would you think it's a dank, dark, damp dungeon of despair?" Elyan asked somewhat amused.

Mordred didn't know why he would find this so funny then again that guy got to stay in Camelot so he didn't have to face his Queen's wraith over losing her best friend.

"It's Morgana," Gwen said rolling her eyes, "there's bound to be a dungeon of sorts."

"No dungeon," Percival said reassuringly.

"But there was an underground mine with some creepy glow-y guy that liked to look at your chest and touch you when you're sleeping," Gwaine said cheerfully and...Err...well not very reassuringly.

"_Gwaine,_" Arthur hissed as his wife shrieked in horror.

"Oh my god Merlin is going to be raped by some sort of magical creature!" Gwen screamed deafening the nearest knights. "That's it! You're going straight back there and you will rescue my best friend, right now!" Gwen ordered.

"But Guinevere!" Arthur whined. Suddenly Mordred lost all respect for the man he worshipped for saving his life... "I just got back from a very long quest; I haven't had a bath or a decent meal in weeks. Can't it wait until tomorrow morning at least?"

"NO!" Gwen folded her arms and turned away from him. "You go on a quest right now and you do not come back until Merlin is safe and sound at home. If you dare return without Merlin then so help me God Arthur Pendragon you _will_ be sleeping on the floor for the rest of our marriage!"

"But-"

"_Do you understand me, Arthur Pendragon_?"

"Yes dear," Arthur said hanging his head in dejection. "Come one men; let's go on a quest to save Merlin."

Mordred took a peek at the Queen who shot him a terrifying evil look that made Morgana seem angelic. He quickly turned round and ran after Arthur to save Merlin.

"God we are so whipped," Gwaine moaned to Mordred, "but then again if you thought that was bad wait until we find Merlin. He's even more of a nagging wife than Gwen."

Mordred wondered what on earth went through his head when he decided to join Arthur's side. Perhaps he could return to Morgana and claim temporary insanity?


	62. A Forgotten Fact

**Summary: **while Arthur tries to defend his father Merlin makes a very valid point.

**Pairings: **some background Arthur/Gwen.

"I know my Father can be cruel but he would never kill Guinevere not since he knows how much I love her."

Merlin and Gaius exchanged an eyebrow raised look with one another. It had been quite frankly a terrifying day where Arthur _stupidly_ let Uther's ghost out into their world and he was now destroying the castle and almost killing several people, most notably Gwen and Percival though Merlin had no doubt he will be next.

"Shall I break it to him or shall you?" Gaius asked.

"Break what to me?" Arthur asked. "Merlin...Gaius what are you hiding from me? I demand you to tell me. As your king I have right to know!"

"Oh let me!" Merlin said gleefully. "I always wanted to shatter some of his delusions."

"_Mer_lin," Arthur growled.

"Merlin," Gaius chided gently.

Merlin ignored them both and faced Arthur with a cheerful and rather malicious grin on his face. "Are you _fucking _kidding me?" he burst out. "This is the third time Uther tried to kill Gwen!"

"W-w-w-what?!" Arthur spluttered. "It is not! My father would never try to kill the love of my life!"

"Yeah," Merlin snorted, "and you're not a stupid, arrogant, ignorant, and stupidly arrogant prat. Wake up and smell your disgusting socks Arthur, during my first few months here he tried to have Gwen burnt on the stake for witchcraft when her father was miraculously cured from that plague."

Arthur cringed. He didn't like to think about those days before he fell in love with the kind, beautiful, and so very wise (unlike Merlin) Guinevere. He had treated Gwen rather badly before he began to notice her as a woman.

"And then," Merlin continued, "What about that time when he thought Gwen enchanted you? He was quick to build a fire for her to be roasted on. So unless you somehow managed to bring back one of your greatest enemies from the dead I'm pretty sure it's safe to say its Uther that tried to kill Gwen and not some freak accident."

Arthur stood there in a numb sense of shock. He had stubbornly clung to the belief that Merlin was just being his usual wimpy self about all of this weird stuff which probably would have disappeared eventually...but now Merlin made a valid argument (which was very shocking in its own right) and now Arthur couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, Merlin was right.

God those words filled his mouth with bile.

"My God..." Arthur mumbled, "My Father tried to murder my wife. Why on earth did Gwen marry me after all that Father did to her?"

"I know," Merlin agreed, "I still haven't worked out what she sees in you either."


	63. Knightly Gossip

**Summary: **Mordred gets the wrong end of the stick when he tries to prove the knights wrong.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur and knight on knight action.

After doing his patrol Leon made his way to Gwaine's room where the main knights were having a slumber party. Hey there was weird things happening and Percival was injured, they needed some buddy time to keep each other safe...besides Gwaine was bringing the booze to this party so it was worth going just to have some decent ale.

When he finally got to Gwaine's room he found Mordred huddled up in a corner with Elyan still looking nervous and unsure of himself while Elyan was telling him something, Percival was lounging on the bed with Gwaine, and several bottles of mead, ale, and wine were cluttering what little surface Gwaine had.

"Hey," Leon said shrugging of his cloak, "you never guess what I found while on patrol."

"Apples?" Gwaine said lifting his head up hopefully.

"Erm...no," Leon said. It had been four years since he met Gwaine and he still didn't understand his apple fetish. "Merlin was teaching Arthur poetry in the storage room."

Mordred looked on in confusion as suddenly all the knights in the room began to jeer and wolf whistle. "I don't understand," he said, "what's so...erm, interesting about Merlin and Arthur doing poetry?"

"Because they weren't doing poetry," Gwaine said, "they were _doing poetry_."

"What?" Mordred blinked.

"Oh he's so sweet," Elyan said mockingly, "so innocent and naive, just like Merlin used to be."

Mordred flushed bright red, for some reason he felt like he had just been insulted, having the other knights suddenly burst out in laughter did not help him. "What Gwaine meant," Percival said taking pity on Mordred, "is that Merlin and Arthur were shagging."

Mordred flushed even redder. He had never really...well thought about _you know_...and the idea of two men who he deeply respected going at it...well it was embarrassing. "What about the Queen?" Mordred asked.

"Gwen?" Elyan screwed his face up. "She's Arthur's beard. At least we think so. I mean come on three years of marriage and no child to show for it? Arthur must have married her just to hide his relationship with Merlin."

"Must?" Mordred repeated. "So you have no prove?"

"Oh come on Mordred have you seen how those two behave?" Gwaine said flipping his hair back. "They're so gay for each other it's ridiculous."

"But you have no actual evidence," Mordred pointed out.

"Yeah we have!" Gwaine protested. "How many times do they go off 'just the two of them' and how many times do they end up in awkward situations where usually Merlin is straddling a half naked Arthur?"

"In all fairness though that is usually when Merlin's trying to do up Arthur's breeches that got shrunk in the wash again," Percival said.

"So apart from a few awkward moments which you've all been a victim of," Mordred said remembering his first few weeks where he was almost convinced that the Knights of Camelot had their own secret orgy and freaked out until Merlin calmed him down. "You have no real evidence of them being an actual couple with the Queen hiding their secret."

"They're in the storage rooms," Leon smirked, "go down and check it out for yourself if you don't believe us."

"All right I will!" Mordred declared.

He marched off proudly with his head held up high determined to prove that the knights were nothing but a bunch of gossiping maids.

As he left the room he heard Gwaine comment to the others, "Are we sure we want his poor virgin self to be scarred for life?"

MMMMMMMM

Mordred will confess he was a little scared.

Not only does he still suffer from the occasional flashback when Uther's guards were trying to kill him but ever since Merlin and Arthur went on their second private hunting trip after the anniversary celebration Mordred had felt some really weird stuff.

He was certain that he felt the very doors between his world and the other world being opened and closed, and he was now certain that he can feel a dark presence haunting the halls of the castle, trying to destroy everything there is.

Mordred slowly made his way down into the storage rooms when he heard shouting and thumping noises. Worried that Merlin or Arthur have just been attacked Mordred started to run, and then suddenly he pushed through the door he heard the strange noises coming out from and then...

His eyes widened at the sight.

Rumpled clothing...

...tearful expressions...

...and cuddling.

"Oh...err...sorry, I'll come back later," Mordred said shutting the door.

When he finally arrived back to the chambers all the knights were hanging out in Gwaine sat up and looked at him expectantly.

"Well?"

"They were cuddling and crying," Mordred said awkwardly, "And erm...their clothes were very rumpled."

"Ha! I knew it!"

Mordred spent the rest of the night sitting there as the other Knights gossiped till dawn about what Merlin and Arthur might be doing to each other right this very moment.

Quite frankly it was far too much information for Mordred's liking.


	64. In the Dark of the Night

**Summary: **Uther has left everyone was rather scared and they decide to take comfort in Arthur's bed.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur implied Merthur, implied knight on knight action, and Gwaine/Everyone.

Arthur and Gwen were snuggling after just getting reacquainted with one another when suddenly the door creaked open. With a quick flurried movement Arthur snatched up his sword and hissed, "Who goes there?"

"It's me," Merlin whispered.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur snarled, "What are you doing in my chambers after bedtime. I thought we had a rule about this?"

"Yeah I know," Merlin said nervously, "it's just...well you see...last night was really creepy. I mean really, really, _really_ creepy, and then just now-ish I had a nightmare, and well...you see...canistaythenighthere?!" he blurted out.

"What?" Arthur said dumbly.

"Oh Merlin," Gwen said compassionately, "of course you can stay the night here."

"What?"

"In fact, why don't you join us? You must be terrified."

"What?"

"Lay between me and Arthur, we'll protect you from Uther's nasty ghost."

"_What?_" Arthur half shrieked as Merlin crawled between him and his wife and he now had an elbow in his stomach. "Guinevere you cannot be serious."

"Oh come on Arthur, look at him he's terrified," Gwen said pleadingly while Merlin looked up at him with wide frightened blue eyes, "just think this could be excellent practise for when we have kids."

Arthur's mind was suddenly on the idea of Gwen's belly growing with his child, what their son would look like, how he would be so much like his mother but as strong as him, and how he can totally order Merlin to change the baby's nappies. "Oh all right," Arthur sighed.

"Thank you, Arthur," Merlin whispered before he turned and started to cuddle Gwen.

Arthur would have muttered an insult when suddenly the door creaked open again. "I'm sorry to bother you," Percival whispered, "but I had a nightmare about the axe...and...Well could I sleep on the floor? I just want to be near someone safe."

"Absolutely not," Gwen said sternly causing Percival's face to fall. Dear lord, Arthur thought, he immediately wanted to pull Percival into a hug and comfort him. "You can share the bed," Gwen said gently but firmly, "budge up Arthur."

Arthur grumbled as he became glued to Merlin's back in order to make enough from for Percival who now slung his arm round Arthur's waist. You know this wasn't the reunion Arthur was hoping for with his recently recovered wife.

He was finally about to drift off to sleep when the door creaked open again. "Oh for god sake!" Arthur snapped without opening his eyes or even sitting up. "Who is it now?"

"Sorry," Mordred mumbled, "but I was feeling a little...creeped out and wanted to be with someone safe. I was looking for Merlin but..."

"Come and join us Mordred," Merlin said. His voice vibrated through Arthur and it felt weirdly good. Merlin had a surprisingly deep voice that Arthur never noticed before it was...nice, but don't _ever _tell Merlin he ever said that!

"Oh yes, just invite the whole of Camelot to my bed, why don't you?" Arthur said snidely.

"Sure it's a nice bed," Merlin said unbothered.

Gwen giggled, Percival chuckled behind Arthur, and Arthur swore he heard Mordred make some sort of amused sound before he crawled onto the bed as well.

"Now then," Arthur said holding onto Merlin tighter as he felt Mordred's head rest just a centimetre below it. "Let's go to sleep before someone else tries to join and we end up not getting a wink of sleep."

Silence fell and soon enough Arthur fell asleep listening to Merlin's deep breathing and Percival's short light puffs of breaths.

MMMMMMMM

Arthur was boiling.

And rather cramped.

And feeling rather smothered.

Arthur's eyes flickered open and all he saw was blackness that smelt strangely of hay, herbs, and Merlin in general. Perhaps Gwen had been spending a bit too much time with Merlin? Then again she was sleeping in Merlin's bed when she was recovering from her near death experience with the fire.

"Morning darling," he murmured.

"Good morning sunshine," Merlin chirped.

Arthur sat up and screamed.

Or more accurately he tried to sit up and scream but immediately fell back into his pillow when he bumped into Leon who was sleeping across Percival and using Arthur's stomach as a pillow. Usually Arthur would be able to see his whole room from his bed but instead all he can see was bodies.

Male bodies.

Elyan was curled up in a corner by Gwen's feet, Merlin was between him and Gwen with Mordred burying his face into Merlin's stomach, Percival was sleeping on Arthur's other side, and then finally Leon was laying across the bed with his feet dragging on the floor as he snored blissfully into Arthur's abs.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

"Mmm, Arthur why are you shouting?" Gwen moaned trying to block the sunlight out with her hand.

"There are too many people in our bed!"

"Mmm, yes, remember Merlin, Mordred, and Percival all had nightmares and wanted some company?" Gwen mumbled as she snuggled closer to Merlin.

"I know _that_," Arthur spat out, "but why are Elyan and Leon here?"

The others having been woken up by Arthur's roaring shout were all starting to sit up now. Elyan was leaning against the bedpost rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "All the creepiness from the last few days gave me a traumatic flashback to when I was possessed," he explained.

Arthur suddenly noticed the salt circle surrounding his bed. Oh well _Merlin_ can clean that up. "All right," Arthur nodded to Elyan, "I understand but why are you here, Leon?"

"I was lonely," Leon mumbled sadly.

"Right that's it!" Arthur snapped. "Everyone out of my bed now!"

No one moved a single inch when suddenly something under the covers began to wiggle. Merlin squealed like a girl while the others apart from Gwen let out very manly yelps. The wiggling monster moved further down the bed before suddenly a naked Gwaine climbed out of the bed.

"All right, all right I'm going there's no need to shout," Gwaine said running a hand through his hair.

"OH MY GOD!" Gwen yelled before her brother covered her eyes.

Merlin covered Mordred's eyes and Arthur covered Merlin's eyes while wishing someone would do the same for him. The other knights stood there staring at Gwaine with horrified expressions, too dumbstruck to be able to speak.

"_Gwaine_," Arthur said through gritted teeth, "why the hell are you in my bed _**NAKED**_?"

Gwaine blinked. "You mean this wasn't an orgy?"

Needless to say that Gaius was woken up by a king, a queen, their manservant, and four irate knights that all demanded to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.


	65. A Girl in Merlin's Bedroom

**Summary: **a little what if for Another's Sorrow

**Pairings: **implied Mithian/Merlin, Mithian/Arthur, Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Gwaine, Merlin/Lancelot, Merlin/Leon, Merlin/Percival, Merlin/Elyan, and Merlin/Mordred, and well brief mention of Gwaine/Others.

Mithian let out a loud sigh of relief as she slammed the door in Morgana's face. She just managed to escape the insane cow by entering Gaius' chambers where the elderly man slept like the dead despite all the noise she had made. Hurriedly, in case Morgana got past the door, Mithian rushed into the next bedroom only to find Merlin curled up looking particularly innocent and angelic in his sleep.

She ignored the skip her heart made and knelt on the end of the bed before shaking Merlin awake. "Merlin, _Merlin_ wake up, _wake up_ Merlin!" she hissed shaking him.

"Wh-wh-wha?" Merlin mumbled sleepily as he blinked his beautiful blue eyes open.

"Oh thank god!" Mithian sighed in relief. "Merlin I need your help Mo-"

"You're Highness?!" Merlin suddenly yelped sitting up right. "What are you doing in my bed chamber? In your night clothes! You a _girl_ – and a princess – in my bed chamber, _why_?"

"Well..." Mithian said rather taken back by Merlin's behaviour. "I was looking for Arthur-"

"You do realise that Arthur is married and you cannot seduce him in his sleep right?" Merlin said narrowing his eyes.

"Merlin!" Mithian gasped horrified at the implications. She would _**never**_ seduce a married man in his sleep! His single and rather dashing manservant on the other hand... "I happen to really like Gwen and would never do such a thing."

"Good!" Merlin said satisfied.

"Anyway I was looking for Arthur but got lost, I need help Hilda isn't Hilda-"

"Oh you got lost that makes sense," Merlin interrupted again. "I was wondering why you would end up in my room when you were looking for me. I've never had a girl in my room before, well apart from Gwen but she doesn't count since she's one of the guys to me. Instead I've had nothing but half naked men in my room, Gwaine crashed here for days on end, still does sometimes, it's a nightmare to get rid of him, and then Lancelot spent a long time here either shirtless or in that strangely sexy black shirt of his, and then Leon almost lives here he keeps almost dying, Percival has spent a couple nights here, not shirtless but there's hardly any difference considering he doesn't wear any sleeves and his neckline stops at his naval. Oh and Elyan, and Mordred very recently, not sure why Mordred spent the night shirtless in my bed but he kept touching me, it was rather disturbing, but Elyan had been possessed and needed company so I had no problems letting him stay. So yes, you're the first girl in my bed chamber...and erm...well sort of half naked too, would you like my jacket?"

Mithian felt rather dismayed at; a. Merlin obviously being gay (and apparently quite the man whore as well) and that meant she would never win his heart over, and b. She could hear Morgana breaking through the door and heading this way which meant _once again_ Mithian failed to warn Arthur about the trap.

Honestly she wrote out a warning in her gravy earlier at dinner and Arthur merely just handed the plate to a servant, she used hand signals but it turned out no one can read sign language, and she tried Morse code on the wall dividing her chamber and Sir Leon's but Leon just groaned about something to do with Gwaine and his latest wench! How stupid were these people?

Morgana grabbed hold of her wrist all of a sudden. "Oh dear princess, you had me so worried when I woke up to find you gone," she croaked before dragging Mithian out of Merlin's room.

The last thing Mithian saw before Morgana cast a sleeping spell on her was Merlin's very bewildered look.

Merlin blinked. It had been a very weird night; first he had a girl in his room (who was a princess nonetheless!) and then suddenly Morgana burst into his room and snatched her away...

Hang on a minute!

Morgana!

Hurriedly Merlin ran all the way to Arthur's room, burst through the door, and shouted in between gasps. "MITHIAN IS A TRAP-" _GASP _"- SHE CAME TO MY BED CHAMBER TO WARN ME-" _GASP_ "-MORGANA JUST APPEARED OUT OF NO WHERE AND DRAGGED HER AWAY-" _GASP _"- WE HAVE TO CANCEL THE QUEST!"

He then collapsed on his knees relieved to finally have some rest. Gwen held her bed covers to hide her naked chest while a very naked, very irate Arthur raised an eyebrow at Merlin.

"How much cheese did you eat tonight this time, _Mer_lin?"

"What?!"

"It sounded like you had a very strange dream and-"

"It wasn't a dream!" Merlin protested.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur said in a warning tone, "you just said there was a girl in your bed chamber, how could it be anything else but a dream?"

"Okay, fair point."


	66. The Mrs and the Ex

**Summary: **Mithian and Gwen fight it out...only it doesn't do any wonders to Arthur's ego.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Mithian, Arthur/Mithian, and Merlin/Gwen.

"So..."

"So..."

Two very different sets of brown eyes narrowed at one another. Mithian's lighter shade of brown looked almost cat like while Gwen's deeper, darker ones looked unnatural to be narrowed in such a manner. Arthur took several steps back as did Merlin while the two girls continued to glare each other.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, "do something before they kill one another."

"No way!" Merlin hissed. "This is your fault, your mess, and therefore your duty to do damage control."

"Yeah but I'm a king, you're my manservant, therefore it's your job not mine," Arthur snarled in a whisper.

"Prat."

"Idiot."

"He may have fancied you," Gwen said suddenly breaking the icy cold silence between the women, "but he adores me."

"Oh really?" Mithian said raising an elegant eyebrow. "I had him all flustered."

"He feels comfortable with me to never get flustered," Gwen boasted, "in fact I'm one of the few people he will open up to."

"Again, really?" Mithian said sceptically. "I heard you got very embarrassed over having farted in public. I had no trouble passing any sort of gas in front of him since I know it is only natural and I have many qualities to make up my natural flaws."

Gwen shot Merlin a dark look for spilling some of her secrets to Mithian causing Merlin to squeal like a pig and hide behind Arthur. "Obviously modesty isn't one of your qualities," she said sweetly.

"Yes and you have so much to brag about with your heritage," Mithian pointed out.

Both Merlin and Arthur winced at the very sharp insult. Gwen flushed bright red and snarled out, "well I've known him for longer! You've only known him for two weeks tops!"

"So? I've done a lot in those two weeks, we had picnics-"

"We do that every Tuesday!" Gwen jumped in. "I've helped him save Camelot."

Arthur scrunched his face up; he doesn't remember any picnics on Tuesdays...

"So?" Mithian said unimpressed. "When he came over for the official peace treaty feast I helped him save my own kingdom."

Huh? Arthur doesn't remember anything bad happening...

"I've snogged him!"

Huh? Gwen's done more than that with him...

"Yeah well I'll be doing more than that with him one day!"

_WHAT?!_ Arthur was suddenly terrified.

"Not when he's still oblivious to the world," Gwen smirked. Now hang on just a minute, Arthur wasn't oblivious!

"See you don't deserve him," Mithian said angrily, "not with the way you insult him."

"I've saved his life!"

"I pulled him away from an avalanche!"

"He saved mine several times over!"

"And he saved mine a couple times too! I'm just not as clumsy as you obviously."

"Why you-"

"I don't see why," Mithian said causing Gwen to pause in her attempts to strangle her (Arthur had finally bravely stepped in and held his darling wife back before they ended up in war again); "it is such a big deal to you that I love him so very much. After all you're already married."

"What?!" Arthur squeaked in confusion. Mithian loved him? Gwen was married to someone else? He bet it was Gwaine; Gwaine seduced his queen with booze, didn't he?

"I'm his best friend," Gwen said, "friends always come first and I don't particularly trust you with his heart just yet."

"Wait hold on," Arthur said releasing Gwen, "are you two fighting over Merlin? _Merlin?_ My useless idiot of a manservant?"

"SHUT UP ARTHUR!" both women shouted.

"Merlin is one of the kindest, most considerate, and bravest men I have ever known," Gwen said glaring at her husband.

"He is also the cutest thing in the world," Mithian added with an equally terrifying glare.

Gwen giggled all of the sudden. "Have you noticed how Merlin's ears go red when you compliment him?"

"And that they wiggle a little as well?" Mithian giggled. "It is so adorable!"

The two women suddenly cling together laughing about Merlin and gushing how adorable he is on their way to find some tea. Arthur merely turns round to look at his very embarrassed and equally terrified manservant.

"So...you have snogged Guinevere then?"

"Erm...I think I need to take a holiday," Merlin said nervously pulling at his neckerchief, "like a really long holiday..."

"Oh you can have a holiday Merlin," Arthur said with a smirk.

"I can?"

"Yes, a nice long holiday in the stocks will suit you quite nicely."


	67. A Letter to the Fans

**Summary: **Arthur writes a letter to his beloved fans.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Arwen, and implied Gwen/Everyone, Arthur/Gwaine, Arthur/Morgana, and Merlin/Others.

**Author's Note: **This is dedicated to all of you who have reviewed since we now have over _**FIVE HUNDRED REVIEWS!**_ Thank you all so much!

Dear Fan Girls (yes, yes and boys, thank you **Mer**lin),

I would first like to thank you for your never ending support without it I wouldn't be able to rule justly and with honour, fight off evil monsters, sorcerers, and my own sister, win jousts and duels, and look insanely hot while doing so.

_Yeah, thanks for making his ego bigger than the whole planet_.

**Shut **up **Mer**lin!

But I must make several complaints. First my father is not a terrible person-

_Yes he is! He just tried to kill me, Gwen, and Percival last week_.

Merlin if you so much make a peep I will gag you with that bloody blue hankie you insist on wearing round your neck. Anyway as I was saying my father is not a terrible person, he was not a terrible father, in fact he always took time out to give me advice and teach me things, and he hugged me! Lots of times! Not as many times as Gaius but he still hugged me. I was a very much loved child and I don't suffer any issues from it. Don't even think of opening your mouth, Merlin!

My second complaint is your constant insistence that Merlin has magic. Pah, yeah right. Merlin can barely find his way out of a paper bag let alone learn spells and fight Morgana on a daily basis. The day I believe Merlin has magic is the day Merlin actually does his job right. Why my father had to land with Camelot's worst servant ever I don't know but I suppose it's better than brass jokes from George.

_Was that a compliment?_

Merlin I will gag you if you don't shut up. Anyway I also want to complain about your vile treatment to my Guinevere! Guinevere is the most virtuous woman I have ever met; she is pure as untouched snow, a flower in bud yet to be picked, and innocent as a unicorn. She would never have an affair with Lancelot or flirt with Gwaine, or do anything with the other knights or Merlin. She is the purest woman in all of the five kingdoms.

_Bullshit if Gwen's a virgin then I'm a- mmph! Mmm! Mmm!_

I did tell you I would gag you if you didn't shut up. That's another thing! Why would you people ever ship me with Merlin! **Ew**! We're just master and servant; there is nothing kinky going on there you disgusting perverts! I don't even like him as a friend what makes you think I want to get in his pants?

_Yeah well I wouldn't even want to be near ten feet of your penis let alone touch it._

Where did your gag go?

_I took it off, prat._

Oh...just one minute ladies and gentlemen.

_Arthur? Arthur why do you have that rope? Don't you d- mmph! Mmm! Mmm! Mmmmmmm!_

Now Merlin is...tied up, I can finish my letter. Now where was I? Oh yeah, being paired up with Merlin. Disgusting, I order you as King of Camelot to stop it right now. I am very happily married to my darling wife. And stop making me have sex with my sister! That's just revolting! I mean she's **my sister**! Ew! Ew! Ew! I would rather shag Gwaine than shag my sister – and no that does not mean you can start writing Arthur/Gwaine fics! I demand that you are only allowed to write fics where I make passionate love with Guinevere or I throw something at Merlin and successfully shut him up. No more slash fics or incest fics or I'll have you all burnt at the stake!

And don't think that will make me a tyrant I have no doubt the world would thank me for ridding it of fan girls.

_Mmph!_

Oh fine I wouldn't really burn you all at the stake but I will put you all in the stocks with Merlin.

Yours sincerely,

His Royal Majesty, King Arthur I.

P.S: stop giving Merlin girlfriends, not only does it get his hopes up but it's a complete joke. Merlin is min- I mean too busy being my servant to have the time to woo a young lady. _Mmph!_ Stop wiggling around **Mer**lin or I'll have to spank you.


	68. Gwen's Sneaky Revenge!

**Summary: **Gwen takes a far more sneaky approach in getting her revenge on Arthur

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur, mentions of Gwen/Lancelot and Arthur/Mithian, as well as Gwen/Merlin friendship.

It started after she and Arthur made up.

He had just averted a war and tried so desperately to woo her with raggedy flowers so she had no choice but to forgive him. But after he kissed her and went off to do some kingship business Gwen got angry again. He thought she was _inappropriate_ because _his uncle said so_. What sort of man suddenly decided to alter his whole relationship and opinion of someone on the word of one creepy person?

A stupid one.

Gwen wasn't really the time for outright anger and she had already forgiven Arthur out loud so she couldn't exactly race down the corridor to give him a piece of her mind. No, she would have to use a far more cunning technique to punish him...in fact she should prolong it as long as possible until he catches on and confronts her.

And quite frankly knowing Arthur that won't happen for a few centuries.

So just as she was about to leave Arthur's room she moved his chair a couple inches to the side and later on Merlin will laughingly tell her how he fell onto the floor and bashed his head against the sharp edge of the bottom.

Gradually over the years Gwen played many small tricks on Arthur in her quest of revenge. She had added salt to his drinks, swapped his knife and fork over when he wasn't looking, hogged all of the blankets, ensured his favourite cloak was missing, swapped the freshly boiled water with ice cold for his bath, made his towel disappear when he needed it the most, and of course she would often move his chair a couple inches to the left so he would fall onto the floor.

And not just the one in his room she had done it several times to his throne and his chair at the table of the round table.

It was the perfect way to punish Arthur without actually disrupting anything. Until Merlin caught on unfortunately her best friend is just smidge smarter than her husband and it didn't help he caught her pushing her husband's chair a couple inches one day.

"It's you!" he cried out pointing to her dramatically.

"Yes Merlin I am me," Gwen said raising an eyebrow at him.

Merlin flushed a bright pink. "No I just meant it's you that has been doing these things," Merlin said rather angrily, "Do you know Arthur keeps blaming me for everything that keeps going wrong? Gwen I've been put in the stocks last week because there was salt in his ale and they ran out of vegetables so guess what they chucked at me?"

Gwen grimaced at that. It was all Gwaine's fault of course, usually when the people ran out of rotten vegetables and...well vegetables they either moved onto fruit or just leave, however that time Gwaine was hovering around and thought it would be a great lark to throw dung at Merlin and the sheep – err she means the people, thought it would be great fun to copy him. Merlin, of course, had to clean up after himself...after the two hour bath Gaius imposed on him though.

"Why would you do this Gwen?" Merlin demanded to know. "Why?"

"Because he broke up with me because bloody evil, creepy, perverted Agravaine told him I was inappropriate!" Gwen shrieked. "He didn't stick to his principals when it came to me. For you, oh sure he would argue till dawn with that sleaze ball, but for me? His so called on true love? He was quick to chuck me out of the nearest window, and then don't get me started on the whole Lancelot thing! How did no one notice that there was something wrong with Lancelot? He was wearing black! Lancelot never wears black! And he actually spent time with Agravaine I think that says everything! Arthur didn't bother listening me out he just banished me without a second thought and while I was mourning for him he quickly jumps into a new engagement with the next pretty princess that comes by! And don't even get me started on what happened on our honeymoon-"

"Trust me," Merlin interrupted rather bravely as well with a disgusted facial expression, "I won't, I was there after all."

"You and all the other knights," Gwen muttered darkly. "So can you understand Merlin?" she pleaded. "Can you understand why I need to punish him like this? I can't scream at him and tell him off, I'm his Queen and the people have to see me supporting him...but if I occasionally move his chair and hog all the blankets on the coldest winter night he still suffers from his misdeeds."

"Well...personally I think if you don't tell him he really won't learn from all of this," Merlin said rather wisely (goddaminit!), "but then Arthur is a royal prattish prick and won't listen anyway so...your secret is safe with me."

Gwen threw herself at her best friend and hugged him tightly. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You're the bestest friend ever in the whole wide world!" she said squeezing him tightly.

"_Dying_!" Merlin choked out. Sheepishly she let go of him and allowed him to have some time to recover his breath. "On one condition though," Merlin said finally referring to his agreement to keeping her secret punishment...well _secret_.

"What?" Gwen asked suspiciously.

"You let me help you," Merlin said cheerfully, "I believe I have some clothes to wash, do you want to help me shrink Arthur's pants?"


	69. Forgotten Something AGAIN?

**Summary: **Arthur and Merlin have yet to realise they have forgotten something...

**Pairings: **none unless you count usual Merlin/Arthur banter as the sexiest slash moment ever XD

Arthur was enjoying the festives as they celebrated his new truce with Odin. Mithian was dancing with her father, the knights were telling one another bawdy tales, and Merlin sat in the corner looking rather thoughtful. Warning bells rang in Arthur's head at that particular sight; a thoughtful Merlin was never a good thing.

"Oi idiot," Arthur said striding towards his best friend (but don't tell him he said that), "what are you doing in the corner over there instead of serving me more wine?"

"Why should I give you a substance that would only make you even more stupid?" Merlin retorted. Arthur had no choice but to defend his honour by punching Merlin hard on the arm. "Ouch!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby, _Mer_lin," Arthur drawled. There was the smallest of silences which Arthur immediately took as a sign that he could continue to speak. "You were thinking...that's dangerous thing to do."

"Why?" Merlin asked bewildered.

"Because you're an idiot."

"Prat," Merlin said immediately. Another small silence and Merlin immediately spoke up again. "I just can't help but feel we've forgotten something..."

"You're just imagining things, Merlin," Arthur said, "now go and serve me some more wine."

"Yes sire," Merlin said with a sarcastic bow.

Meanwhile deep in the forest between two kingdoms an elderly man stumbles around aimlessly. He had waited for a long while at the ruins for the return of his boys but it had been almost two days now and he was hungry and ran out of water.

He doesn't even understand _why_ Arthur dragged him out onto this quest he was an old man with very little use to anyone. He had trained Merlin well enough so he could handle the questing injuries.

He hoped that Merlin was out there somewhere searching for him or otherwise he won't make pudding for the rest of his life.

He just exhausted himself using magic to save that ungrateful brat's life and what does he do? Abandon him and then promptly forgets all about him! The nerve of that boy! Gaius froze when the bushes before him began to rustle, cautiously he takes a step forwards, "Merlin?" he calls out. "Is that you? Merlin?"

There's a loud deep growl and suddenly Gaius finds himself faced with a large, rugged, and grumpy bear. He quickly turns round and runs as fast as he can.

"I HATE CHILDREN!" Gaius screams as he runs for his life. "FUCK YOUR SHITTY MEMORY, BOYS!"


	70. Leon's Very Much Onesided Crush

**Summary: **Gwaine did try to warn Leon.

**Pairings: **one-sided Leon/Mithian, implied Gwaine/Percival, and Merlin/Mithian.

Leon was giddy but nervous all the same.

Ever since the beautiful princess looked up at him with those deep, dark, soulful eyes pleading for help Leon has been in love with her. Princess Mithian was so graceful, elegant, intelligent, and beautiful both inside and outside. Leon had never seen another lady like her.

At first he had been content just watching her from afar, he enjoyed watching her dance gracefully with her skirts swirling round her beautiful shapely legs, he adored watching her eat as much as a man but with the elegance of a Queen before enticing both Arthur and Gwen into a burping contest much to the horror of most of the Court (the Knights and Merlin however enjoyed it), and he admired how pretty she looked as she raced alongside the best of Camelot's horsemen.

He had developed a friendship with the beautiful princess when she suddenly began to visit Camelot a lot more often. She was often caught with a book on medicine or herbs written in difficult Latin that Leon could never hope to understand but he always enjoyed hearing her speak so passionately on the subject. She would laugh at his jokes, sit with his friends and enjoy their company as well as his, and blushed prettily at the bawdiest jokes that often came from her own sweet little mouth.

This morning, the last morning of Mithian's most recent visit, Leon was confident enough to ask Arthur's permission to court the princess. Arthur had been stunned – rather insultingly so – and warned Leon about heartbreak but Leon ignored him if Arthur can marry a serving girl why can't a princess marry a knight?

So he picked the most beautiful flowers in Camelot to please his lady and set out to find her.

"Mate," Gwaine said appearing out of thin air, "you're not really going to do it are you? Sell yourself into the slavery known as marriage?"

"Yes, yes I am if she will have me," Leon said determinedly, "I love her and I think she loves me too she's always around."

Gwaine suddenly looked very uncomfortable and Leon was quick to dismiss it with the fact Gwaine was terrified of commitment and never had a girlfriend in his life. In fact the closest to a wife most of the Knights would ever have is Merlin who never stops nagging them about one thing or another and the closest Gwaine had to a relationship was whatever it was he had with Percival.

"Mate I don't know how to tell you this..." Gwaine said rather hesitatingly.

"Then don't," Leon said shortly.

He spotted Mithian on the steps to the castle watching her servants carefully as they carried her trunks out to the cart. He began to stride towards her and she looked up and smiled so brightly he would swear the sun shone behind her pearly white teeth.

"Mate she doesn't-"

Mithian suddenly ran down the stairs towards him and Leon beamed as he held out his beautiful bouquet of flowers towards her.

Suddenly Mithian ran past him and he stood there stunned as he heard her tiny footsteps pitter patter away.

"Merlin!"

He turned in time to see Merlin stumble back as he catches Mithian in his arms and the beautiful princess pulls the rather startled manservant into the most heated kiss Leon had ever witnessed in his life.

"I tried to warn you mate," Gwaine said sympathetically, "she's been stalking Merlin for the last five visits."

Later on when Leon is drowning his sorrows at the tavern Gwaine will claim that the flowers wilted simultaneously with Leon.


	71. Two Sides of the Same Coin

**Summary: **Merlin gets judged alongside Arthur due to the whole being two sides of the same coin thing.

**Pairings: **implied one-sided Gwaine/Disir

"I want to know why you think you can judge me without my presence."

The gold coin that haunted both Merlin and Arthur for the last two days was thrown to the ground between Arthur, the Knights, and Merlin and the three elderly women. Merlin had a terrible feeling this was going to end far worse than it would have been if Arthur was a little politer.

"It is not just you we judge," the middle one said.

"We judge you both fairly," the one on the left said.

"The two of you will stand for judgement."

"Hang on, hang on, hang on," Gwaine said holding his hands up and stepping between Arthur and the three women. "If this is about me not calling you after that one night-"

"FOOL!" all three women shouted and Gwaine suddenly found himself thrown into a wall...again.

"We do not engage sexual relations," the middle one snapped.

"We all bound only to the triple goddess," the one on her right snarled.

"You are not worthy of her or our attention," the left one finished.

"No wonder they're so grumpy then if they haven't gotten laid," Elyan mumbled to Percival who nodded.

"Pertinent child!" the left one snarled before she flung Elyan into the wall alongside Gwaine. "It is not one of these foolish knights we judge."

"Though perhaps we should," the right one grumbled.

"We do not judge fools," the middle one reminded them, "we judge the ones in danger of sheer arrogance."

"Okay..." Arthur said a little unsure now, "if it is not one of my knights you judge alongside me then who is it that you judge?"

"We have called upon the two sides of the same coin," the middle one said, "the Once and Future King and his warlock Emrys."

"Who?" everyone but Mordred and Merlin chorused.

"Emrys you have been missive in your teaching," the right one said, "your king is blind and it is this blindness that has led to his arrogance."

"I know, I know," Merlin moaned, "but he doesn't listen. _Ever_!"

"Merlin?" Arthur said completely bewildered. "What are you doing? You're not Emrys, you're _Mer_lin, my manservant, you have no magic, you're a complete moron."

Mordred and Merlin shared an exasperated look while they would both swear later the three elderly women raised an eyebrow each under their hoods.

"He is Emrys," the left one said, "the most powerful magical being in all of Albion. Destined to lead the Once and Future King to greatness but so far he has failed. You have continued to persecute those who follow the Old Religion."

Arthur and the Knights exchanged a look and Merlin closed his eyes in horror as the cave was suddenly filled with hysterical laughter. It was bad enough Arthur ignored him and drew out his sword, even worse that Gwaine tore down a sacred artefact and Percival stepped on it, but now they had committed one of the worse crimes...laugh in the most sacred three seers of their time's faces.

"Oh please," Arthur gasped clutching his stomach, "Merlin? Powerful? He can barely walk ten steps without tripping."

"Sure ladies," Gwaine said weeping with laughter, "Merlin can take over all of Camelot with his magical breakfasts."

"Merlin...magic...ha...!" Leon managed to gasp between giggles.

Percival and Elyan were too busy laughing hysterically to even speak; Mordred however raised an eyebrow and wondered once more why he was so eager to join these idiots, and Merlin just face palmed.

"I see," the middle one suddenly spoke up.

"Yes, as do I," the left one agreed.

"And I," the right one said.

"We will withdraw our judgement Arthur Pendragon," the middle one suddenly declared.

Arthur stopped laughing and looked up in confusion. "You do?"

"Yes, we now realise it is not arrogance that has misled you," the right one said.

"Nor is it Emrys' bad teaching," the left one added.

"We do not judge fools," the middle one said, "you may go now. Emrys, you have our full sympathies."

"Thank you," Merlin said sincerely before he dragged Arthur and Gwaine out by their collars.

The rather befuddled knights and Mordred followed them and they enjoyed a rather sunny day riding back to Camelot when Arthur suddenly halted to a stop midway through the journey.

"Hang on just a minute!" he cried out. "Did they just clear me because they thought I was stupid?"

"Yes," Merlin said bluntly, "You' just proved their judgement right by only realising it now."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"


	72. Dirty Poetry

**Summary: **Merlin really needs to find a new excuse.

**Pairings: **implied Mordred/Merlin.

**Author's Note: **this chapter is dedicated to Chele the Original who reviewed every single chapter this last week and because of her (and of course all my other wonderful readers) this fic has reached to _**SIX HUNDRED**_ reviews. Anyone think we can reach a thousand before Christmas?

"What are you two doing?"

Both Merlin and Mordred visibly stiffened at the sound of Leon's voice that suddenly interrupted their moment together at the newly marked grave of Osgar. They both stepped in front of the mark Merlin had made and looked at the curious Leon with the most innocent expressions they could muster.

"Nothing!" they both chorused.

Sir Leon stared at them disbelievingly, "You're lying," he accused them, "you look as about innocent as Gwaine."

"Ah – well you see..." Merlin said rather insulted that Leon would think he was like Gwaine. "I...I was teaching Mordred poetry."

"Poetry," Leon repeated disbelievingly.

"Oh yeah, you see Mordred has this girl he likes," Merlin rambled, "and Arthur told him about my poetry skills and how it worked on Gwen so Mordred asked for some help so he can woo this girl."

"Really?"

Merlin elbowed Mordred who grunted and then grinned weakly. "Yeah I love poetry," Mordred said. "It's...erm great."

"He can't get enough of it!" Merlin said cheerfully as he slung an arm round Mordred's shoulder. "So we're going back to our lesson and you can...well leave. Mordred is a little stage frightened."

"Can't perform in front of an audience," Mordred agreed quickly.

"O...Kay," Leon said slowly walking away.

They both sighed heavily in relief. "That was close," Mordred said returning to pay his respects to Osgar.

"I know," Merlin agreed, "thank god Leon is an idiot."

"Do you know poetry is one of the paths of a druid?" Mordred said casually. "We call them Bards; my father was one, very talented."

"Really?" Merlin said interestedly. He knew very little of the lifestyles of a druid just that many used magic and most of them were very peaceful. Whether or not Mordred was a peaceful druid he has yet to see.

"Yeah, so since you're supposed to be a very powerful druid perhaps you should also work on your poetry skills?" Mordred grinned. "I could teach you."

Merlin would have laughed at the teasing jest and perhaps even accepted the offer of friendship that was attached to it if it wasn't for the fact they heard Leon shouting something to the Knights.

"Hey guys! Merlin is _teaching poetry_ to Mordred, we all know what that _means_," Leon laughed in that particularly filthy way that most of the knights laughed when they were in the tavern at jokes Merlin really didn't understand. "So we should all back off since little Mordred finds it so _hard _to _perform _in front of an audience."

Merlin felt his face heat up in embarrassment and could see Mordred was equally red in the face it was that moment when they both silently agreed they were _never_ going to have a private moment alone together ever again.

Stupid dirty minded knights.


	73. Lots of Love, Gwen

**Summary: **Gwen writes a letter to the fans.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, implied Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Gwaine, Gwen/Percival, Gwen/Leon, Gwen/Merlin, Merthur, Merlin/Mordred, Gwen/Morgana, and Merlin/Gwaine.

**Author's Note: ** to RP911, thank you for your two reviews. Yes your first one did get through but I'm flattered you feel the need to write the second one just in case. It's nice to feel rather important for someone to double check I have their opinion. Also I'm rather flattered though confused that you seem to think my Author Notes are funny. I never thought myself very witty when warning/thanking/begging for reviews. As for The Family Reads series I am trying to work on the fourth book but unfortunately I'm just staring at the chapter and nothing is coming to me! My brain is filled with Merlin, Jane Austen, and Uni work right now but I will try to get the first chapter up by Christmas no promises on a quick update this time round though. Once again thank you.

Dear Fans of Merlin,

I would like to lodge a complaint to some of you about the treatment of me in your Fanfiction. I am not a whore, I have legitimately made a mistake while enchanted with Lancelot, not once did I purposely cheat on Arthur, so there! Also I never flirted back with Gwaine, Elyan is my brother (so ew!), Leon may act a little awkward with me but that doesn't mean beyond a kiss on the cheek have we ever done anything together, and lastly as much as I like Percival and am sure he will find a lovely young woman one day, I don't want to shag him. Arthur and I have a typical loving relationship where he occasionally acts like a prat and forgets my birthday, fortunately my awesome best friend Merlin is always there to fix things.

Another thing Arthur and I trust each other and love each other so much that I do not have any problems with you all writing Merthur. In fact I would like to see more Merthur Fanfictions out there, it has become a dying art for some reason since both Gwaine and Mordred had come onto the scene. Not that I don't like them but I don't particularly trust them to not break Merlin's heart or give him an STD. Actually on second thoughts when you write a Merthur M-rated fic, could you give me a front row seat? The idea really turns me on.

_Guinevere!_

**What the hell, Gwen? **

Apologies for the interruption, I had to put the letter down and do some paperwork (someone has to do it since Arthur won't and Merlin is too busy, it's why I haven't had any screen time recently), and my boys found it and for some reason felt the need to graffiti it. In fact can I request a lovely Fanfiction where I go on holiday? I really need one right now. One with a spa treatment and some shopping, oh and maybe a nice comfy bed without my snoring prat of a husband?

I do love your Fanfictions set in different times. They're very interesting and I do like the ideas some of you put forward. I very much enjoy the alternative universes you all write where I end up with Arthur a little earlier or something dramatic happens and Arthur learns a lesson and becomes a better man. They're all so fascinating and enjoyable to read. I must confess I do occasionally enjoy the odd alternative universe where Merlin is a girl and I end up with Lancelot. It's a nice and intriguing view to explore.

However, my third complaint (I do apologise but it needs to be said) is about the many Morgana/Gwen fics people write. Come on while I admit we were very close once upon a time we were never crushing on one another or in love or shagging or whatever else you keep imagining about us. We were simply very good friends right up until she decided to betray all of Camelot and attempted to kill me twice. Then afterwards I have no idea why you would keep writing these femslash fics when all Morgana has done was attempted murder while I've been nothing but Arthur's loyal girlfriend. So could you please stop it? Or at least make it somewhat more realistic like having all the men in my life die first and me under some sort of mind control spell like Merlin had been that one time.

Finally I have two more requests. First I would like to see more of those baby fics some people have written. I would love to have a cutie in the cradle and another bump. Camelot needs heirs and I want to be a mother to the man I love's children. a girl would be wonderful but if I end up with a son please give Merlin a little more influence over the child so he won't be as much as a prat as his father. My second request is that you please, please, please, pretty please, create a group of girls that are not Mary Sues and send them to me. You have no idea how lonely it is when all of your friends are a. Just men, b. Are loyal first to my husband and me like fourth, and c. Are complete morons three quarters of the time? So could you please just send me a group of nice girls who I can have an intelligent conversation with as well as do girl talk with? I haven't been able to discuss my menstrual cycle since Morgana left...well that's a lie I tried with Merlin once, poor guy went really pale and fainted, Arthur thought he was sleeping on the job and sentenced him to a day of mucking out the stables.

So overall, thank you for all the lovely Fanfictions, apart from those few who keep on insisting I'm some sort of whore, and please keep my complaints and requests in mind when you're writing your next one.

Lots of love,

Her Majesty, Queen Gwen.

P.S: please sign this petition for the writers to bring back my real personality. I miss being bubbly, care free and yet able to wield a sword better than Merlin.


	74. Gwen's Top Secret Evil Plan

**Summary: **Arthur's exes decide to visit Camelot after his wedding to give him their blessing. They soon find their own husbands while they're there.

**Pairings: **previous Arthur/Elena, Arthur/Sophia, Arthur/Mithian, Arthur/Vivian, present Gwen/Arthur, Mithian/Merlin, Gwaine/Elena, and Vivian/Percival.

Arthur, Gwen, and mostly Merlin were going through the letters written by nobles and royals all over Albion in reply to the announcement of Arthur and Gwen's marriage. Arthur opened one letter and paled a little. "Uh-oh," he murmured, Gwen and Merlin looked at him but he didn't say anything else, instead he picked up a rather dirt stained letter and began reading it, "Oh no," he groaned, he discarded the letter and picked up the most disgustingly pink and girly letter Merlin had ever seen and shouted, "Dear God! Does someone up there hate me or something?!"

"Arthur, what is it?" Gwen asked worriedly.

"Ah..." Arthur said suddenly mortified as he realised the love of his life had watched his hysterical fit. "Well you see...my...three exes have written and invited themselves to Camelot so they can meet you."

"Oh is that all," Gwen said raising an eyebrow, "you know I like Elena...Vivian not so much, and I never got to know Sophia so I can't really make a judgement on her."

"He wasn't talking about Sophia," Merlin said knowing that the day Sophia came to visit Camelot was the day pigs fly and Arthur actually took notice of it. Then again considering how Lancelot came back from the dead perhaps Merlin might be wrong. "He was talking about Princess Mithian."

Gwen frowned lightly. "I don't think I met a Princess Mithian."

"That's because he was engaged to her while you were exiled," Merlin blurted out.

The atmosphere instantly changed as Gwen shot Arthur the most murderous look in the world. Seriously it made Morgana's evil looks appear angelic and loving. The very idea of Morgana looking angelic made Merlin shudder even when she was nice he would never describe her as angelic.

"Merlin," Gwen said rather icily, "why don't you take the evening off? I need a word with my husband."

"Erm...sure," Merlin said nervously as he started to edge towards the door. "But you know if you need me for anything – anything at all – you know where to find me. You know even if it's to help bury the body or something."

"_Mer_lin!"

Merlin squeaked as the terrifying killer look directed itself his way and he legged it out of the door, slamming it shut, and rushed down the corridor before he heard Gwen scream, "THE VERY NERVE ARTHUR PENDRAGON-"

He was honestly not surprised when Arthur turned up round bed time and kicked Merlin out of his bed to sleep on floor.

Gwen's favourite punishment for Arthur was quickly turning into a punishment for Merlin.

It really wasn't fair.

MMMMMM

The whole Court stood outside of the castle reading to greet three different princesses who were about to make their lives a living night- err a pleasant summer's day. Most of the knights were bored while the ladies were whispering amongst themselves already comparing poor Gwen to the much more noble and richer princesses who were about to arrive with more grace than Gwen could ever have. Personally Merlin thinks Gwen has more grace than those gossiping hags but apparently he doesn't have the right to an opinion.

"So we all know about Mithian," Gwaine said, "but what's exactly the deal with this Elena and Vivian?"

"Well you'd like Elena," Merlin said, "she loves horse races and isn't the conventional princess, a bit like Mithian really, with all that burping and farting in public. But Vivian..." Merlin exchanged a look with Leon who was blatantly eavesdropping on them. They shuddered. "She makes Arthur at his worst prattish moment look like a saint."

"That bad?" Gwaine asked amused.

"That bad," Leon and Merlin said flatly.

Merlin carried on speaking after another shudder. It was perhaps one of the worst moments of his life, who the hell courts someone with _chicken?_ "She's a spoiled little brat and to make things worse last time we saw her she was under a love spell and she kept-"

"ARTHURKINS!"

Merlin grimaced as Vivian leaped off her horse like a mad woman and made a insane leap to Arthur, arms and legs stretched out so she would wrap herself round him once she landed on the poor sod (don't tell Arthur that Merlin pities him), when suddenly Percival stepped in the way and carried Vivian off into the castle.

"Percival is just my – err I mean your personal bodyguard, Vivian," Arthur called after them, "Camelot is still dangerous and I don't want anything to hurt you...oh thank god, someone lock up that crazy cow until she leaves my kingdom," he muttered to a half amused and half unimpressed Gwen.

"All right Arthur?" Elena called as she jumped off her horse.

Gwaine looked rather impressed as the princess tried to un-tuck her skirts from her breeches only to somehow trip backwards, do a backward roll, and ended up crashing into Mithian's horse. All very gracefully.

"Now that is a woman," he whistled.

Poor Mithian, however, would have fallen off if Merlin hadn't quickly casted a spell and then rushed to grab the now soothed horse's reigns.

"Thank you Merlin," she smiled softly, "could you help me off?"

Merlin flushed when she suddenly leapt nimbly into his arms before he could make a reply. Merlin suddenly became really uncomfortable as he realised Mithian was still looking at him in a similar way as Gwen looked at Arthur. Half horrified, and half in denial Merlin quickly yanked his hands of her waist as if he had been burned.

Mithian and Elena headed towards the castle and the last thing Merlin saw was them curtseying to Gwen when Gwaine suddenly dragged him away and into the tavern so, and he quotes, 'you can tell me all about that Elena chick and we don't have to arrest Gwen for murdering Arthur'.

MMMMMMMMMMM

Most of the knights laughed at Percival when he got put on 'Vivian duty', especially the older knights who had met the girl and knew her enough to know what a horror she was, but Percival didn't mind. It meant that Arthur trusted him enough to keep all sorts of dangers away from him. Even the dangers towards his love life.

And Vivian wasn't really that bad. He managed to distract her several times from Arthur by asking her questions about her kingdom, her family, herself, and he learnt that she truly loved her father, that she lost her mother at a very young age, that she truly wanted to help the poor in her kingdom, and that she thought her brother was a pompous jackass. He learnt about all of her favourite things and what she enjoyed, what she wanted to become, and she hated, not just other things but what she hated about herself.

She was all too aware that she was a spoilt brat and struggled to change that.

Percival was all too easily reminded of Arthur in Merlin's stories about how their friendship began and thought the king was being a little too harsh on the young princess who was obviously enchanted years ago.

After spending every waking moment with her Percival began to admire how the sun made her blonde hair turn gold, and how her eyes lit up with excitement, and how sweet she looked in pink. He began to crave the moments where he has to pick her up and carry her away from Arthur (who looked mortified as Merlin rolled on the floor in hysterical laughter), and he wanted nothing more to be her knight errant.

"Why can't I see Arthur?" Vivian demanded. "We are destined to be together! It's that little maid isn't it? She's keeping me away from my darling! _That little tramp_! I'll tear her hair out and Arthur will no longer be enchanted by her!"

"My lady, no!" Percival cried out stepping in her way. "You cannot assault the Queen. It would be considered an act of war."

"Out of my way, Percy!" she shrieked. "I will save my beloved from that wicked witch!"

Percival struggled with Vivian who was fighting particularly well today. She pinched, scratched, and managed to bite him twice! It was an act of sheer desperation rather than lust when he covered her screaming mouth with his lips.

Silence was blissful to everyone's ears in the mile radius.

Vivian suddenly pressed her lips against his and the kiss got quite heated before he remembered he was a _knight_, a chivalrous one, not a man-whore like Gwaine, and he pulled away.

Vivian eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him as she never seen him before in her whole life. "Percy," she trilled sweetly, "I feel like I've been in a dream all these years and you've finally woke me up, oh my love!"

She then pulled him in for another kiss and it went on for quite some time. In fact Percival could have sword he heard Arthur splutter behind him and Gwen pulling him away in amusement.

But then again he could have been imagining things.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Gwaine was in love!

He had found the most exciting, passionate, beautiful, intelligent, witty, and best drinker in all the five kingdoms and for once it wasn't his reflection! Elena was gorgeous and so very funny! She shared the same views as he did and she preferred to actually live life rather than just sit there and sew like most ladies he had met.

They kept competing as well which was fantastic. She won the horse race and so he had to give her a piggy back ride, he won the swimming race so she brought the drinks, and they both tied at the drinking contest and rewarded one another with a snog.

In fact that snog was still on-going as they stumbled back to his rooms.

He felt her pull his breeches down causing him to trip backwards and land on the stone floor banging his head. Oh well, what are a few less brain cells going to do to anyone? He was in the middle of ripping her dress off when someone with a candle appeared and yelped.

The candle almost landed on his head which was a bit more of a big deal by the way. How could anyone almost burn his gorgeous hair off?

"Oh my god!" Gwen cried out.

"That's _disgusting!_" Arthur managed to choke out. "Gwaine I order you to stop that before I have you hanged for _indecency_!"

"Oh go away you spoil sports," Gwaine managed to say before he was distracted by the lack of underwear Elena was wearing.

"You don't mind if I married your knight, would you Arthur?" Elena said in between kisses.

"As long as the wedding night isn't so public," Arthur said. Then he shook his head as he realised what was going on. "I mean stop doing that in my corridor I will have you arrested!"

"Ooh kinky!" Gwaine said as Elena giggled.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Gwen mumbled.

"This is the second most scarring moment of my life," Arthur declared, "second only to the time I walked in on Father and that troll."

"Arthur I didn't need to know that!"

Gwaine would have commented but at this point Elena managed to make his shirt disappear and was doing very pleasurable things to him.

It didn't matter anyway because Arthur and Gwen disappeared and they then managed to scandalise several other people including Leon.

All in a night's work.

MMMMMMM

Arthur and Gwen were still trying to get rid of the horrifying mental images that Gwaine and Elena managed to conjure up last night. It was quite a difficulty to concentrate on their work because of this...well that and because Arthur couldn't stop complaining how quickly his two exes managed to get over him in favour of Percival and _Gwaine_ of all people.

Gwen was just about to enjoy a peaceful moment of silence as Arthur took a deep breath when the door suddenly burst open and slammed against the stone wall. Merlin came running in looking terrified and was quickly followed by Mithian who looked gorgeous..._the cow_, Gwen thought who felt hideous today.

"Help me!" Merlin cried out.

"What have you done now _Mer_lin?" Arthur asked exasperated.

Mithian had then suddenly tackled Merlin to the floor which made both Gwen and Arthur blink. "Your Majesty," Mithian said trying to compose herself, "I would like your permission to marry your manservant, Merlin."

"What?!"

"Oh that's wonderful!" Gwen clapped her hands delightedly, "of course you can marry Merlin. He's very romantic!"

"_What?_!" this time Merlin joined Arthur asking that particular word.

"Thank you!" Mithian beamed before she rolled Merlin on his back and kissed him right there in front of Arthur and Gwen.

"Hang on just a minute!" Arthur shouted. "My exes suddenly falling for the knights I can understand – even if one of them is _Gwaine_ *shudder* - but Merlin? My _Mer_lin? What the hell is going on here?"

"Oh Arthur," Gwen said rolling her eyes, "can't your ego even take a day off before it ruins your friend's happiness?"

"But I don't want to marry M-"

Merlin's cry was immediately silenced by another kiss from Mithian. Arthur though his manservant was starting to look like he was high judging by that dreamy look. "It's not my ego," Arthur said stubbornly, "it's the fact if Merlin marries a princess he won't be washing my socks anymore!"

Gwen face palmed at that. "You can marry Merlin," she said firmly. Mithian then walked off, dragging a far less reluctant Merlin back to her bed chamber, Arthur meanwhile was moaning about how quickly his exes managed to get over him, while Gwen smirked.

Her evil plan to get rid of Arthur's exes worked like a treat.

Now to get rid of her brother...


	75. Forgotten Something IMPORTANT?

**Summary: **this time the Knights forget something a little more important.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen.

"Where's Guinevere?" Arthur demanded.

Elyan and Gwaine shared horrified looks.

"Oops," Gwaine said.

"Oops? _Oops?!_" Arthur repeated.

"Well we just saw Leon and Percival on the ground and all we could think about was getting them back to safety," Elyan babbled, "we didn't think to pick Gwen up I mean she wasn't poisoned or anything. A nice woman in black was standing over her so surely she's fine."

Arthur stared at his knights in complete horror. _A nice woman in black_? The only woman they knew that wore black was Morgana. Poisoned knights? The only one capable of poisoning people was Morgana. How fucking stupid was his knights? He turned to look at Gaius and Merlin, Gaius was too busy caring for Leon and Percival but Merlin was looking up at him.

"I told you so," Merlin said though he looked more horrified than smug. "Morons the lot of them."

Both Elyan and Gwaine looked instantly insulted and turned to Arthur. "Aren't you going to tell him off like you always do?" Elyan asked.

"No," Arthur said crossly, "because for once in his pathetic life he is right."

Merlin looking rather smug now opened his mouth. Mostly likely to say something insulting to Arthur or to correct him, or say something so smart that it would make them all feel like idiots.

"Shut up, _Mer_lin."

Elyan and Gwaine sighed the world was back to normal.

It took them another two hours to realise they had forgotten Gwen again.


	76. Queen Consort

**Summary: **Gwen has a few magic words up her sleeve that will rescue her from being kidnapped.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen implied Morgana/Arthur, past Gwen/Lancelot, and Gwen/Morgana friendship.

"Whatever have I done to you?" Gwen demanded furiously.

"You stole my crown," Morgana hissed.

There was a moment of silence as Gwen stared disbelievingly at her ex-best friend. It had been one emotional upheaval after another today, first it was the anniversary of her father's death which Morgana knew (the bitch!), then she and Elyan had the first heart to heart since she cheated on Arthur with Lancelot four years ago, and now she had been kidnapped by her obviously deranged ex-best friend. Honestly all Gwen wanted now was a nice long soak in the bath, a nice cuppa, and a long night sleep in bed. She didn't want to deal with this.

But she really had to ask.

"You want to marry Arthur?! _Ew_!"

"What? _No_!" Morgana looked just as horrified and disgusted as Gwen felt. "What on earth would make you ask such a _**disgusting **_question?"

"Well," Gwen said calmly, "you said I stole your crown."

"You did!" Morgana cried out. "You're the Queen! That's my rightful place!"

"I'm Queen _Consort_," Gwen corrected Morgana, "My crown is just a decorative bonus for being Arthur's wife. I have no power; I don't rule Camelot I just sit next to Arthur and...Well...erm make heirs."

Three years of marriage and she still can't say the word sex, damnit!

Morgana blinked. "I never thought of that..." she mumbled. "This changes everything..." there is a moment of silence and then suddenly Morgana's eyes flash gold and Gwen falls to the floor as the rope round her wrists vanishes into thin air. "Go," Morgana ordered imperiously.

"Why? Why suddenly change your mind?" Gwen asked bewildered.

"I...I never stopped caring for you," Morgana said suddenly finding the trees on her right far more interesting than Gwen. "I let my resentment that you were Queen when I wasn't get in the way...but you made a valid point. Something I should have realised a long time ago, you have no power. You're just a wife. While I'm an intelligent, independent, and powerful woman in my own right," she smirked there and it took all of Gwen's self control to not roll her eyes. "So go! Before I change my mind."

Gwen quickly left, constantly looking back in case Morgana decided to attack from behind, and managed to get back to Camelot just as her rescue party was leaving.

"Guinevere!" Arthur cried out both pleased and surprised. "I thought you were in danger. I was going to rescue you. Are you okay? How did you get away?"

Gwen allowed her darling husband smother her in a bone-breaking embrace as she shared a rather exasperated look with Merlin behind his back.

"Honestly Arthur I'm a big girl," Gwen said reassuringly, "I can take care of myself."

"Yeah but all my knights were kidnapped by Morgana once and they had to be rescued," Arthur reminded her.

"Yeah well no offence but they're _morons_," Gwen pointed out, "I should know since I rescued their easily enchanted butts several times."


	77. Arthur's New Hunting Hound

**Summary: **the knights and Arthur buy Merlin a present.

**Parings: **Merthur!

Merlin was surprised when Arthur and the knights presented him with a badly wrapped parcel. Considering these inconsiderate, idiotic, arrogant, thick prats had forgotten his birthday the last three times, as well as his last five imaginary birthdays that he tested them with, he had thought he would never get a present from them in his life. So it was a very pleasant surprise when Arthur prattled one of the worst speeches ever before handing him a gift.

Up until Merlin opened it of course.

"You shouldn't have," he deadpanned.

His so called friends didn't even have the decency to keep pretending it was a nice present for him. Instead they just howled with laughter, Gwaine was even rolling on the floor in hysterics – the hypercritical bastard.

"Try it on Merlin," Arthur ordered between snickers, "you would look so _fetching_ in it. _Get i_t? Fetching."

"Yes sire," Merlin sighed rolling his eyes, "you are the wittiest man in all of the five kingdoms."

"There was no need for sarcasm!"

"There was no need for such a mean joke!"

"Oversensitive idiot!"

"Insensitive prat!"

"It's your own fault!"

"How is it _my_ fault?"

"You were the one bragging about your incredible sense of smell," Arthur said, "and then proved it by getting us out of the god forsaken forest."

Merlin was really regretting that particular lie. Many a time has one of his lies come back and bite him in the backside, like that peeing lie? He suffered months of terrible jokes at his expense. And that poetry lie? He still isn't quite sure what Leon thought he was really doing but it was still an ongoing joke in the tavern. And then let's not get started on the aftermath of his lie about Morgana's missing dress...the kitchen staff still whisper about his cross-dressing tendencies thanks to Arthur Bloody Pain in the Arse Pendragon.

"Yes but there is no need to buy me a collar and lead!" Merlin shouted.

Gaius happened to be walking past at this point and took a couple steps back so he can look at the present in Merlin's hands. "I don't want to know what..._alternative _sexual activities, you get up to," he said sternly. Gwaine, Percival, and Leon burst into giggles after hearing that. "Just as long as you and the king practise them far, far, _far_ away from my chambers."

"Gaius!" Merlin squeaked blushing.

Arthur was also rather pink. "It's not what it looks like Gaius," he quickly jumped into reassure the elderly man that was like a second father to him...and well was the only father Merlin knew. "Merlin has a great sense of smell and I was making a joke about how he should be my new hunting hound."

Merlin fed, cleaned, and took care of each and every hunting hound Arthur knows (unfortunately the vicious horrible little monsters...) and yet never had any one of them been called _Fluffy_. He has a feeling this is exactly what Arthur and the knights think of him, adorable fluffy but not a threat at all.

Damnit!

Gaius obviously didn't believe Arthur, "I do not judge Sire," he said.

To make things worse Gwaine said simultaneously, "Ooh...how kinky of you, Arthur!"

In future reference Merlin would prefer it if no one even tried buying him a gift it would save him a lot of time from dying of shame like he was right now.


	78. Gwaine's One True Love

**Summary: **"So Arthur didn't tell you who Gwaine is in love with then?" "No! Who is he in love with?" "Himself."

**Pairings: **Gwaine/Gwaine, hint of Mordred/Others, and Merthur!

"You are so beautiful," Gwaine said dreamily.

His beautiful companion said nothing back just merely gazed at him with a leery grin and fluttered their eyelashes.

"No seriously," Gwaine said putting a hand on the wall next to him to barricade them in, "you have the deepest darkest eyes I have ever seen. And you know what they say, eyes are the windows of your soul, and you definitely have that sexy brooding type soul."

His companion remained silent as always.

"And your hair," he flipped his as he said this, "totally worth it. Gorgeous luscious locks, all the girls and boys are so jealous of you. I should know they moan about it to me."

Silence continued.

"And you're so modest about it all!" Gwaine enthused. "The most beautiful creature in the world and yet I never heard you brag about it like some princesses that could be mentioned." He leaned in and winked at them, they didn't giggle, they never do, just another reason why he loves them. After all who would want someone who giggled all the time when you tried to flirt with them? You'll never get anywhere! "How about a snog?"

His companion didn't object so he immediately covered their lips with his. Their lips were cool and slippery but he managed to enjoy the kiss and things quickly heated up when he used several of his top-secretive-seductive-sexy-snogging skills.

Then his hand began to slowly move down their body causing them to moan and lean into his touch.

Then his hand slid into their breeches...

And then..._oh yes!_

The door suddenly slammed open and Gwaine only just managed to pull away from his love as Elyan screamed, "Dear God!"

"Gwaine!" Leon blanched. "What the hell?"

Percival looked like he was going to faint, Merlin was a little green round the edges, and Arthur had covered Mordred's eyes. That almost made Gwaine laugh, Mordred wasn't the innocent pure kid that he kept playing up round Arthur, nah the kid pulled more birds than most did, and the innocent pure virgin was obviously Merlin.

"I don't judge you on your love lives," Gwaine sniffed, "so you shouldn't judge me on mine."

"And here I thought Leon and the crossbow was weird," Merlin mumbled.

"You're the one to talk, you're shagging Arthur!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"As King of Camelot, and the person who Merlin is accused of shagging, I can safely say he isn't."

"Oi!" Gwaine snapped as everyone started to bicker and banter with one another in his doorway of all places! "What does a guy have to do around here to be able to shag his reflection?"


	79. Extreme Makeover: Dark Tower Edition

**Summary: **Gwen does a makeover on the Tower.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen.

"I'll leave you to think on who your true friends are," Morgana snarled before she slammed the door shut.

Gwen shivered as she sat on the cold and slightly damp floor. The rooms – well dungeons was more of an apt description – were dark, bleak, and gloomy. She had no doubt this was the reason to Morgana's madness, she hated mess and went nuts over her hairbrush being a mere centimetre out of place. Perhaps if Gwen cleaned up Morgana would be a little nicer?

"Gwen," someone whispered, "pst, Gwen."

She turned and grinned at the sight of her best friend. Merlin was looking all eager and earnest as always though he seemed to be missing his brown jacket. Must have lost it along with Arthur and the Knights, she had no doubt he went racing ahead to rescue her.

"Hello Merlin," she said, "it's good that you're here, I need a hand with the cleaning."

"Mwhahahahahahahaha," Merlin laughed.

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to be funny, Merlin? Or have you hit your head again."

"I was trying to scare you!" Merlin pouted. "I'm a hallucination to torment your mind."

"Not a very good one," Gwen said critically, "now get to work."

"Bu-"

"NOW!"

A door magically opened and Gwen smiled when she saw all the cleaning supplies and decor hiding away in a cupboard.

MMMMMM

Morgana smirked as she magically unlocked the door. She had no doubt that Gwen was a quivering wreck in a corner somewhere while sobbing her sweet little heart out. Gwen was always so easily upset. Leon once swore in her face when he stubbed his toe which instantly sent her into a fit of sobs because she thought he hated her. Granted they were only ten at the time but Morgana never recalled Gwen growing out of that sensitivity.

She opened the door ready to coo softly at a sobbing Gwen only to find the most horrific sight in the world.

"What have you done?"

"I cleaned up," Gwen said cheerfully, "Merlin helped."

Morgana whirled round to look at the rather faded glowing hallucination that she had conjured with mandrake. "Even when you're a hallucination you're useless."

"Now, now," Gwen chided Morgana. "I think the place looks much more cheerful now."

"It's not supposed to look cheerful it's supposed to look torturous!" Morgana shrieked. "You're supposed to be vulnerable to brain wash!"

Gwen would have said something about how silly Morgana was behaving when the door suddenly slammed open and Arthur, the Knights, and Merlin came running in.

"GWEN!"

"GUINEVERE!"

There was a pause as everyone took in their surroundings. The real Merlin blinked, Percival rubbed his eyes, Gwaine took a peek at water skin filled with wine to ensure he hadn't somehow gotten drunk without realising it (it wouldn't be the first time), and Arthur, Leon and Elyan looked on in sheer horror.

"I don't remember the tower being this terrifying in my nightmares," Leon moaned.

"It's...it's...it's..." Elyan stammered.

"Pink," Arthur finished horrified. "Morgana did you...?"

"Nope, this was all your wife's doing," Morgana shuddered.

The Knights and Arthur joined her as they took in the bright pink walls, the matching frilly curtains, all the lace, the flowers, the kitten drawings on the plates, and the fluffy rugs...

"It looks far nicer than it did before with all the screaming, blood, and dripping," Gwen said firmly. "Merlin helped."

"I did?" Merlin asked bewildered.

"Well that explains how he knew how to get here," Arthur said. Oblivious to the fact that Merlin had been with him the whole time Gwen redecorated. "I thought for a moment that he was part dog."

Gwen giggled. "Oh you're so silly, Arthur," she then hugged him and pecked his lips. "Do you like it? I was thinking of doing a similar scheme for our chambers."

"Err..." Arthur said wondering how to tell his wife he didn't want to sleep in a pink fluffy monster. With lace...and kittens.

"The horror, the _horror_," Elyan moaned.

"How..." Percival was lost for words.

"I like it," Merlin said cheerfully.

Everyone but Gwen whirled round to look at Merlin with sceptical and horrified looks. Gwen beamed with happiness she knew Merlin would like it. Merlin always liked the things she did unlike her ungrateful brother; rude knights slash friends, and very silly husband. Merlin ignored them all in order to admire the plates with adorable fluffy kittens with great big eyes.

"Merlin!" Arthur barked. "Do yourself a favour and act like a man."

"But-but," Merlin pouted and looked at Arthur with wide eyes similar to the little black kitten with bright blue eyes. "But..._Arthur it's kittens_!" he squealed delightedly.

Everyone but Gwen gaped at Merlin speechlessly until Arthur finally managed to find the right words for him.

"You're such a _girl_, Merlin."


	80. Distracting Arthur

**Summary: **Gwen needs to distract Arthur, pronto.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur and a hint of Merthur. Perhaps even implied Gwen/Merlin/Arthur if you squint.

Arthur had the door open and within two seconds he would be out of the room. Everything Morgana had planned will suddenly go down the drain and Gwen will be executed for treason. She tried to sweet talk him into leaving it for tomorrow and heals his bruises before he goes into the questioning but for some bloody reason Merlin had more of a hold on Arthur.

Another reason to hate her husband who has more interest in Merlin than her.

Still she had something that Merlin didn't and she could use it to her advantage.

In fact...

"Arthur!" she called out again causing her husband to turn and look at her. "Arthur," she repeated with a purr. She grabbed her corset, dress and shift into a tight fist crushing the silk, linen and velvet together and then she yanked down releasing her large breasts to the room. "We have yet to celebrate our anniversary."

Arthur stared at her gormlessly finally losing those last precious few brain cells and Merlin suddenly found the ceiling interesting much to her amusement.

"Merlin," Arthur said slowly, "get out."

"What?!" Merlin squawked. "But what about-"

"Out," Arthur snapped. "Now."

"But-"

"_Mer_lin there is a limit to what you can be the third wheel to!" Arthur snarled before he pushed Merlin out. "Now don't come back till tomorrow morning while I enjoy my night with Guinevere."

"But Arthur-"

Merlin stumbled backwards as the door slammed shut in his face. He blinked. He had no idea what Gwen did apart from it was evilly manipulative and now one of his friends was in a cell rotting away. He thought of knocking but he heard a moan and considering how ratty Arthur was he really didn't want a boot thrown in his face.

"Married people," Merlin muttered as he stormed off, "Absolutely useless. Why would anyone want to marry?"


	81. Gambling Debts

**Summary: **the knights have a bit of a problem.

**Pairings: **implied Arthur/Merlin/Gwen love triangle.

**Author's Note: **I apologise for the long delay in updates I've been so busy and uninspired for the last couple weeks that I have barely written a single word for anything but coursework. This chapter is dedicated to TVnut as a birthday present.

Merlin's heart stopped beating.

It had been difficult enough to convince Arthur that Gwen had finally gone round the bend and turned evil. Fortunately showing Arthur a meeting between Gwen and Morgana had been enough, unfortunately, though it was still too soon to make jokes about it as he learn the hard way when he claimed it was Arthur's snoring that had turned Gwen evil and ended up washing Gwaine's socks as well as Arthur's...urgh. Then it had been a pain to find out how to cure Gwen and persuade Arthur that the cure was the only way to save Gwen, honestly you would think that being so in love with a person as Arthur claims to be with Gwen that you would instantly put aside your principals in order to rescue them...apparently not. It took Merlin hours to convince Arthur that magic was the best way to go about this.

More hours were wasted learning how to turn himself into a woman, may Gaius never be able to sleep comfortably again for that one.

And let's not get started how annoyingly difficult it was to knock Gwen out. How is it that Morgana can kidnap Gwen easy peasy while Merlin can't even fool her into drinking a drugged goblet of wine? There is something wrong with the balance of the world and he will figure it out one day! Just after he mucks out the stables..._again_.

And now they were being detained by Gwaine and Mordred who were trying to see what Merlin was carrying out of the castle (by the way? Gwen is ridiculously heavy; don't tell her he said that though!). Why was it they were thick as two planks of wood when an enemy is sneaking in but sharp as knives whenever Merlin is trying to save the world? Morons.

Gaius came up with a awesome lie that on any other day the knights would believe and run off, however, today seems to be Gwaine's 'I want to risk life to do something stupid' day and ignored Gaius in order to pull the sheet down.

Mordred stared at Merlin in horror while Gwaine stared numbly at Gwen...oh god, oh god, oh god, Merlin was going to die. Arthur will kill him. The knights will kill him. Everyone will kill him for lots of different reasons.

"Oh my god," Gwaine said, "You killed Gwen."

"I can explain," Merlin said helplessly.

"_Damnit Merlin_!" Gwaine cursed, "Now I owe Mordred a hundred gold coins. I was so certain you'll be the one murdered."

"Ha!" Mordred burst out. "I told you so!"

"I- _what_?" Merlin asked bewildered at Gwaine's reaction.

"I tried to stop them," Gaius said gently causing Mordred to snort derisively.

"No you didn't," Mordred said, "You're the one keeping tabs on the bets and invited me to join in."

"Gaius!" Merlin cried out horrified. Gaius had always preached that gambling was a bad thing and now it turns out he had been running some sort of betting den behind Merlin's back! Has the entire world gone mad? "What the hell?"

"Don't curse," Gaius chided gently, "quite frankly Merlin you only have yourself to blame for this."

"I do?"

"Yes, you see if you weren't so obviously attracted to Arthur-"

"I am n-"

"- and he for you," Gaius continued as if Merlin never tried to interrupt, "then no one would ever ponder on what the Queen would do. There were several bets going on, one was whether or not you and Arthur are indeed lovers, we are waiting for a physical confirmation from you both-"

"Oh how considerate of you," Merlin snarked.

"However after Gwen tried to have you executed for treason Gwaine had suggested that whether or not you are lovers, Gwen is a very jealous Queen and you two were engaged in a duel to the death."

"Mordred suggested that it would be you that would wind up killing Gwen-"

"Purely out of self-defence!" Mordred jumped in hastily. _And I knew you would have magic as an advantage if she was to attack from behind, _he added telepathically to Merlin.

"So I thought it was a sure win that Gwen would kill you and bet a large sum," Gwaine carried on furiously, "what makes you think I have a hundred gold coins, Merlin? I still haven't paid my tavern bills from four years ago."

"Then why on earth did you place a bet in the first place?!" Merlin cried out.

"Because it was supposed to be an easy win!" Gwaine shouted in frustration. "At least tell me that you're the dominant one in the sex! Then I would at least win something."

"Is there anything you _**don't**_ bet about my life?" Merlin asked in horror.

Gwaine and Mordred exchanged thoughtful looks as they carefully deliberated every bet the Knights have made on Merlin's life. They have daily bets on how long it'll be before Arthur uses him as a training dummy, bets on what accident he'll make while doing his duties, bets on his sex life, bets on his love life, bets on who will end up killing him – Arthur or Gwen – and then they even have top secrets bets on whether or not he has magic.

"I don't think we ever bet whether or not you were heterosexual," Gwaine offered finally, "it was always blatantly obvious you were gay."

Merlin let out a shrill angry sound which later Gaius will tell him only confirmed what Gwaine said and stormed off to find a very huffy Arthur waiting for him.

"Where have you been? What took you so long? Why is Gwen uncovered, did someone figure out what's going on and told Morgana?"

Merlin said nothing as he struggled beneath Gwen's weight as he shifted her from the wheelbarrow thing onto the horse. She flopped helplessly in her coma sleep.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur said forcefully, "I demand to know what's going on."

"Your knights are idiots," Merlin replied.

"Yes, you tell me that every day," Arthur said impatiently, "but that doesn't answer any of my questions."

"Your knights are idiots with gambling problems."

"It takes a whole day of journeying through Camelot for Arthur to figure out what the hell that meant. It was the most peace Merlin got for over a month.


	82. With All My Heart Omake

**Summary: **Merlin gets his revenge for the time he was brainwashed to kill Arthur.

**Pairings: **implied Gwen/Arthur, and probably a hint of Merthur if you squint.

When Gwen refused to have a drink Merlin panicked.

Okay, okay, he admits it was only fifty five per cent panic and forty five per cent well thought out revenge. After all even when he's not brainwashed into killing Arthur...he lost count how many times it had happened to him so why can't he, just this once, do the same to her?

Without a single thought, as Gwen turned and smiled sweetly to Arthur, Merlin raised his arm up and then with all his strength smashed the silver jug containing the drugged wine hard on Gwen's head.

She instantly collapsed face first into her dinner.

"MERLIN!" Arthur roared with fury and horror.

"She wouldn't take the drink!" Merlin protested.

"So?! We would have thought of another way to get her to drink it!" Arthur snarled in frustration. He swiped at Merlin but the annoying manservant jumped aside and avoided it. "There was no need to give my wife brain damage!"

"Isn't the whole point of this is to curse Gwen from brain damage?"

"Merlin."

"She did it to me when I was brainwashed to kill you!"

"What? When was this? Why am I listening to you? You're blatantly trying to lie your way out of this," Arthur shook his head and glared angrily at Merlin, "I'm going to have to put you in the stocks for this Merlin."

Merlin's only reply was to suddenly smack Gwen even harder with the silver jug.

"Merlin!"

"She was stirring!"


	83. Treason

**Summary: **a friend of mine and I were discussing Merlin and the Arthurian legend in general last semester and he told me how disgusted he was of Guinevere in the texts he had had to read for Medieval Literature, how she had one man killed because he did not have find her beautiful enough...our Gwen could never do that...could she?

**Pairings: **a little Arthur/Gwen and some one-sided Mordred/Merlin if you squint.

"Merlin of Elador," Arthur boomed with all his pompousness and arrogance that he felt a king should project. Personally Mordred thought he looked and sounded like an overstuffed red peacock. "You have committed the worst kind of treason, how do you plead?"

Merlin was on his knees before the King and Queen; he looked defiant and rather irritated at having to be here. Mordred peered round and noticed that all the knights looked rather grim faced none of them wanted to witness this either nor did they agree with Arthur's trial.

Mordred wasn't quite sure what had happened but judging by the haste of the trial, the anger from Arthur, and disappointment and tears from the Queen there could only be one thing that happened...they discovered Merlin's magic.

Mordred's hand clenched into a fist as he swore vengeance on this. Merlin had promised that things would change one day but obviously it hasn't and now Merlin was going to _die_. Sweet, kind, funny, witty, and generally just amazing _Merlin _was going to die.

"Honestly Arthur you can't really punish me for this," Merlin snapped, "can I go back to my duties now?"

Gaius face palmed while the knights struggled not to laugh and Mordred smirked a little. Even now Merlin was undermining Arthur's authority showing himself to be the better man...

"You will stand trial and accept your sentence with the grace you never had in your whole life!" Arthur snapped. "Now how do you plead?"

"If I say guilty will I get the day off?"

"_Mer_lin!"

"Oh come on Arthur this is ridiculous!"

Mordred had to agree so what if Merlin had magic? Merlin used it only for the purest of reasons, the most noble, he was a hero not like Gwaine the drunk, Leon the prick, Percival the silent one, and Elyan the quite dead one. How many times can any of them claim to have beaten Morgana, defeated sorcerers, slain monsters, and prevented assassinations?

"You called my wife fat!" Arthur snarled.

Wait, _what_?

"I said she was heavy!" Merlin protested. "You try pushing her up and down the hills round here."

What?

"I carried her up mountains and had no problems whatsoever!" Arthur argued back. "Stop being a weakling besides you said right to her face that she needed to lose a couple pounds!"

"Hang on just a minute," Mordred interrupted the King and Manservant, "are you telling me this great big trial, one that is likely to end with_ Merlin's head on a pike_, is all because Merlin called Gwen_ fat?_"

"Erm...yes?"

"That's it," Mordred said yanking his red cloak off, "I have enough with this stupidity I'm siding with Morgana now."


	84. Interruptions

**Summary: **there's a reason why Gwen and Arthur haven't had a kid yet and it's not because either of them are infertile.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur, one-sided Gwaine/Gwen, past Gwen/Lancelot, hint of Merthur, and tiniest of smudges of one-sided Gwaine/Arthur.

This had been the moment they were waiting for.

Three years of difficult courtship, forbidden romance, interfering politics, and that Lancelot problem that they had both agreed on not discussing, and now here they were finally about to consummate their burning passionate love for one another.

Almost the moment the door was closed Arthur had her in his arms and was kissing her as if had never kissed her before. Their clothes were quickly torn off, she was certain he ripped her bodice into two while he would have to fetch Merlin to find his torn shirt out in the Courtyard if a peasant hasn't nicked it by morning, and they stumbled onto the bed. Everything that should be touched was certainly done over several times, Gwen was already a gasping, aroused mess, and Arthur was just about to-

The door banged open and a shrill scream echoed in Gwen's eyes.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur snarled, "hasn't Gaius taught you the art of knocking yet?"

"Never mind that!" Merlin shouted wildly. "What are you doing to Gwen? It looks like you were _eating_ her!"

"I'll explain it to you when you're older," Arthur said, "but I can assure you it was something Gwen really wanted to do, and so do I, ever so much, so what are you doing here and how can I get you to bugger off?"

If it wasn't for the fact that Gwen was trying to hide her naked body from Merlin she would have probably smacked her husband...and Merlin.

"There's another Griffin attacking Camelot!"

"I'm on my way!" Arthur said abandoning Gwen to her nakedness. "Fetch me, my clothes, and my armour and met me and the knights in the armoury."

He then marched off leaving Merlin and Gwen alone in the chambers as the whole world outside their bedroom was shown how wonderfully endowed Arthur was...

"Shouldn't you go after him?" Gwen asked Merlin.

"Nah, let him work it out for himself," Merlin grinned evilly before passing her Arthur's shirt he had just pulled out of a drawer, "and put that on before Gwaine's eyes fall out."

It was then when Gwen realised that Arthur left their door open and several servants and knights had been ogling her the whole time.

Oh the shame.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

After almost dying it took Arthur three weeks to finally be cleared for physical activity by Gaius. He celebrated this fact by hunting down his wife, picking her up from being bored to death by Geoffrey's ramblings, and whispered in her ear what exactly he wanted to do with her.

This time round they ended up in a cleaning cupboard and Arthur only just dropped his breeches (it took too much time to get Gwen out of her new elaborated dress) when the door was suddenly yanked open and the light blinded him causing him to stumble and fall into a collection of brooms.

"Merlin!"

"Gwen! Err...why are you naked in a cupboard?" Merlin asked nervously.

"You better not be looking at my wife's assets or I shall have you hung, quartered, and drawn," Arthur snapped.

Though unfortunately it got muffled by the bucket that landed on his head.

"Could you...erm...pass me a mop and bucket please?" Merlin blushed furiously. Gwen hurriedly passed him the desired objects, pulling harshly at Arthur's head to get the bucket off and quickly shoving it into Merlin's chest before he saw more of her breasts than he really needs to. "Thanks got to go!" Merlin squeaked before slamming the door shut.

"So..."

"So..."

"The mood has gone hasn't it?"

"Oh yes."

MMMMMMMMMMM

This time they decided to skip the nudity part of sex. If they didn't waste time trying to rip one another clothes off then surely they would actually get further before Merlin interrupts...for the eight hundredth and forty second time. Yes this is how many times they have been thwarted from sex.

Now here they were on the bed, Gwen's skirts were shoved up near her breasts and Arthur's breeches were down at his ankles. Anyone else would think that they were two very young lovers in the woods or something, having a hurried moment before they went back to their families or their duties. Not the married couple they were who really should be expecting their first child by now.

Oh well, they were actually doing something other than foreplay for once! And that was exciting, and so very good, and –

There was a rapid knock on the door before Merlin burst through. "Another army is invading Camelot! Quick!" he shouted before slamming the door shut.

"At least he learnt to knock," Arthur said sheepishly as he pulled away and yanked his breeches up. "Hopefully I'll see you soon darling," he kissed her quickly, snatched up his sword, and legged it out of the room quickly.

Gwen let out a scream of sheer pent up frustration before burying her face into the pillow and cried.

Something tells her if she had married Lancelot she wouldn't have had this problem...like ever.

MMMMMMMMMMM

"Well that was exhausting...Guinevere?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Why are you naked?"

"I thought we might pick up from where we left off...before Morgana sends another army."

"What about Merlin?"

"What about him? You don't want to think about Merlin while we're doing this, do you?"

"Erm...no?"

Gwen decided to drop the matter whether or not her husband thought of their best friend while they were failing at having sex (because said best friend kept interrupting by accident) was not the matter on hand. The matter was that they had an opportunity to actually have sex before Merlin woke up. Thank God for Gaius who agreed to drug Merlin for the night...something about accidentally setting Gaius' eyebrows on fire last week...?

So instead she threw herself into her husband's arms and enjoyed a very nice kiss until the door slammed open.

"Oooh looks fun," Gwaine roared drunkenly, "can I join in?"

"GET OUT!"

They didn't have sex that night either since they were too busy trying to get a very drunk Gwaine to stop trying to grope Gwen and get lost preferably out of the window.

MMMMMMMMM

Three years later, a kidnapping, and the death of her brother, and finally they managed to have sex. Panting they laid there for a moment while Gwen contemplated whether or not it was worth stabbing Arthur in the neck now or wait for Morgana's elaborate scheme. On one hand it was an easy task or the other she kind of wanted to do that again and Morgana would be pissed if Gwen didn't do exactly what she said.

Arthur wrapped a sweating arm round her and the odour almost made her consider battering him to death with her pillow.

"That was...well amazing."

"Yeah..." she agreed still trying to catch her breath,

"It is odd though..."

"What is?"

"Well for the last three years Merlin had always been able to interrupt us one way or the other, and failing that it will be Gwaine or Leon, or Percival, or even Mordred recently...now they all suddenly disappeared."

"Mmm...Let's not think about it or they might all come in," Gwen said kissing Arthur's collar bone. "Round two?"

"Oh yes..."

Meanwhile in a dark, dank, and damp room four knights and manservant were tied together and wailing piteously behind their gags.


	85. If You Were Gay

**Summary: **Arthur tells Merlin about his suspicions.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Freya, imaginary Merlin/Daegal, Gwaine/Percival, and implied one-sided all in Arthur's head Merthur.

"Hang on a mo' Merlin," Arthur called out just as Merlin was about to leave the room, "are you sure it's a girl you were meeting?"

Merlin seriously wasn't in the mood for this. First he had been betrayed by someone _again_, then he almost died _again_, then he successfully prevented Arthur from being killed _again_, then he lost someone he had come to care about _again_, then he had to lie to a disbelieving Arthur _again_, and now he just wanted to go to bed and sleep forever so this doesn't happen again tomorrow. He didn't want to play along with Gwen's terrible lie, he doesn't want to spend hours convincing Arthur that he was with a girl and not slacking off in the tavern, and he certainly doesn't want to spend another moment here with a throbbing headache.

"Yes," he hissed through gritted teeth.

"Really?" Arthur pressed on. "Because you're limping would be suggesting that you were meeting someone else."

"Huh?"

"A man Merlin," Arthur said exasperated, "you were meeting a man. You are gay." Merlin stared at Arthur dumbfounded...how on earth did Arthur come up with that conclusion? "It's ok," Arthur said gently obvious mistaking Merlin dumbfound expression for one of horror, "Gwaine and Percival are in a very happy relationship together. I cannot see why you should be forbidden from having happiness with someone because of a silly thing like gender."

"What?!" Merlin cried out. "I'm not gay! I really did meet a girl, didn't I Gwen?"

Gwen looked up from her dinner that she had been picking at. She hadn't had a good day either but for totally different reasons, her evil plan to get rid of her pain in the arse of a husband had failed, and now she had to face the wrath of her dearest and best friend Morgana. She knew that Morgana only wanted the best for her and would never purposely hurt her but sometimes she forgets herself when she is very angry. It wasn't something Gwen wanted to face again and she hoped the idea that the Sarrum is dead will help lessen Morgana's anger over Arthur's still living. She really wasn't in the mood for more of Arthur's stupidity with Merlin.

"That is what you told me," Gwen said, "but if you lied to Arthur how do I not know you lied to me?"

"See!" Arthur said triumphantly. "It could have been a guy!"

"It was a girl," Merlin said through gritted teeth, "a pretty girl with hair as black as coal, eyes like sapphires, skin as pale as snow, and a very pretty smile. She's a little awkward, and clumsy, but she's very nice and her name is Freya."

It hurt to mention Freya, to tell Arthur all about her, after all Arthur had murdered Freya years ago and it was opening an old wound to talk about anything to do with that at all. Arthur snorted rudely in Merlin's face. "Oh please," he chortled, "Merlin you just described yourself."

"I did not!"

"Dark hair, fair skin, and blue eyes?" Arthur listed on his fingers. "Just take a peek in the mirror, nice smile? Awkward and clumsy? That's you all over."

"You think I have a nice smile?"

"Not the point Merlin," Arthur rolled his eyes, "the point is if Freya is the name you prefer then I can call you that instead. Just give me a chance to get used to it."

"No there really is a girl!" Merlin wailed.

"If that's the truth then what were you doing in the forbidden corridor overseeing the hall with the assassin and that boy who saved my life? In fact you were clinging to his body and weeping about his death like a soldier's wife. What was the boy's name again?"

"Daegal! His name is _Daegal_ I told you it five times in the last two hours _damnit!_" Merlin snapped. "And I was holding onto him and crying because he is my friend. I would do the same for you if you died."

"Speaking of which while I don't care if you prefer to sleep with men I would still prefer it if you would avert your eyes when undressing and dressing me in future," Arthur carried on as if Merlin had never really spoken, "I am only for Guinevere and no one else, isn't that right my love?"

"Hmm? Err...yes, that is right," Gwen said snapping out of her daze.

"I'm not gay!"

"Then why are you limping?"

"Because I pulled a muscle!"

"Oh you _pulled a muscle_ did you?" Arthur leered.

"You're starting to sound like Gwaine," Merlin grumbled, "Limping doesn't mean I sleep with me."

"Au contraire," Arthur smirked, "it means you're the bottom while this Da- err Daniel dude was fucking you."

"_Daegal_!" Merlin snapped. "And that's revolting."

"Now, now, don't be homophobic and in denial, it's a perfectly natural thing, Guinevere and I do it all the time."

"I would really prefer it if you did not speak about our lives in the bedroom, Arthur," Gwen said coolly. "And if Merlin is so insistent that he is not gay then perhaps you should believe him?"

"Thank you!" Merlin burst out.

"Look, all I'm trying to say," Arthur said getting up and slinging an arm round Merlin's shoulders, "is that if you were gay it really wouldn't matter."

Gwen was beginning to get a headache and she suspected something more stupid was going to happen soon. Whenever her husband and so called best friend got into petty fights like this it would escalate into sheer stupidity. She quickly mumbled an excuse and began to leave.

"I am not gay!" Merlin cried out, "Daegal is just a friend that died horrifically! I injured my leg while spending some time with him in the forest – no Arthur we were not doing _that!_ – and I really rather not talk about this anymore can I go now?"

"Merlin you need to stop denying yourself-"

Gwen shut the door quickly and rushed down the corridor as fast as she could without running and looking like a heathen rather than a Queen. She barely turned round the corner when she heard Arthur's terribly off-key singing echoing after her.

"_If you were gay_..."


	86. Leporiphobia

**Summary: **Arthur takes a different reaction to being stuck in a net with a rabbit...

**Pairings: **Merthur and Merlin/Food – he's starving after all!

Merlin stopped at a halt and almost drooled at the sight before him. Two dead rabbits lying there helplessly, rabbit stew, roast rabbit, and any sort of dish he could think of were dancing across his mind. God he was so hungry, he hadn't eaten properly in days and now stranded in the middle of nowhere with Prince Prat and imminent doom round the corner there was nothing more he would like to do than eat those rabbits.

He moved towards them when Arthur suddenly grabbed hold of her arm.

"It might be a trick!" he hissed.

"Arthur, its food!" Merlin moaned.

"It's a rabbit!" Arthur snapped. "They're the embodiment of evil!"

"Oh not this again," Merlin rolled his eyes, "one bedtime story from your father and suddenly all things cute and fluffy are evil."

"It ripped out the throat of Leon's father!"

"And yet I have never seen Leon cower in fear of a rabbit," Merlin said dryly, "now I don't know about you but I haven't eaten in two days. I'm _starving_. Whether you like it or not I am going to have that rabbit!"

He then pulled away from Arthur and ran towards the rabbits with dishes dancing round in his mind tauntingly. He was vaguely aware that Arthur was running behind him shouting some sort of stupid warning about the evilness of rabbits when suddenly he flew up in the air by his feet and found himself stuck in a net next to Arthur.

One of the dead rabbits was lying on Arthur's chest it's very dead and beady eyes were looking straight at Arthur which Merlin had to admit was very creepy...

"R-r-r-r," Arthur stuttered terrified, his face white as a sheet, eyes wide, and mouth moving in soundless horror, "r-r-r-RABBIT!"

Somewhere in the mountain a lonely druid boy who was trying to find his destiny and way of life – the druid camp was so boring, there was no booze! – Suddenly he heard an echoing girly scream that filled the mountains. Then suddenly before he had a moment to react an avalanche of snow was making his way towards him.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII II IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIII IT!"

Merlin frowned as Arthur continued to squirm and wiggle trying to escape the horror that was stuck in the net with them.

"Did you hear something?" he asked Arthur.

"All I can hear is the rabbit about to make its move and eat us alive," Arthur whimpered despairingly, "Merlin hold me."

"Gerroff!" Merlin yelped as Arthur suddenly flung his arms round Merlin's neck. "If you wanted a cuddle you should have brought Gwen on this quest as well!"

"But Gwen doesn't understand my fear!"

"_**I **_don't understand!"

"Just get it off of me!"

After some wrestling and moving about there was a sudden loud _SNAP_ and they soon found themselves sprawled out on the floor.

Merlin groaned under the weight of Arthur Pendragon. "God sake would it kill you to lose a couple of pounds?" he moaned.

"Shut up, _Mer_lin."


	87. Merlin's Terrible Christmas

**Summary: **Arthur Pendragon is the most insensitive gift giver in all of Camelot! And Merlin should know...not just because he ends up picking out Gwen's gifts.

**Pairings: **Merthur if you squint and probably some Arwen somewhere.

**Author's Note: **this chapter is dedicated to TVnut as a early Christmas present. Merry Christmas, TVnut!

Camelot looked like an ice palace.

The grounds were covered with pure white snow that crunched underfoot, the rooftops were iced over like a sweet treat Arthur regularly stuffed himself with in this season, and the windows sparkled like diamonds under the ice. It was beautiful, magical, somewhat pure..._and fucking freezing!_

"Come on _Mer_lin," Arthur called out, "stop being such a girl."

So says the man wearing three shirts, two different types of breeches, four pairs of socks, a sheepskin waist coat, and a fur lined cloak, and handsomely made leather gloves, and Merlin would know all of this since he helped Arthur dress this morning. As always. Meanwhile Merlin was wearing what he always wore – thin blue shirt, red neckerchief, brown thin breeches, matching thin jacket, and rather holey shoes...hmm he was definitely in need of buying a new pair...

"But it's cold!" Merlin whined. "And it's supposed to be my morning off! I'm attending you at the never-ending banquet surely I deserve to spend the morning in my bed?"

"Don't be ungrateful," Arthur scolded him.

"_Ungrateful_?"

"Yes, _ungrateful_," Arthur repeated with a glare, "We are, after all, going to get your Christmas present."

"We are?!" Merlin cried out gleefully.

Arthur had never given him a Christmas present before! Merlin tried to imagine what it could possibly be, once he had gifted Merlin a lovely warm purple wool tunic that unfortunately met a deadly end at a irate centaur's hand, and then the nice red leather jacket Merlin had worn with pride for Gwen's coronation didn't stand up to much at a fire spell Morgana sent at him, therefore Merlin had no doubt that Arthur was about to gift him with an item of clothing. The question is what item of clothing was he going to give him?

Since they were making their way out of the courtyard could they be going to the cobblers? If it had been a pair of breeches or a new tunic surely Gwen would have made it herself and Merlin would have received it before or after the banquet privately. So therefore it must be a pair of shoes! Or a pair of gloves.

_Please god_, Merlin prayed, _let it be a pair of new boots_...The snow was making a nice puddle between his big toe and the rest..._a pair of new boots that will last forever_, Merlin prayed fervently.

"Here we are!" Arthur said halting to a stop all of a sudden. Merlin instantly crashed into Arthur's back. "_Mer_lin! Watch were you're going, you idiot."

"Perhaps you should watch were you're standing, prat," Merlin retorted back.

"Do you want me to take back your present?"

"No!" Merlin blurted out. "I'll be good!"

Arthur snorted. "I'll believe that when I see it," he said before punching Merlin's arm good naturedly, "Come on its right over here," he indicated to a large something covered in snow and a white sheet.

_Not a pair of boots_, Merlin's heart sank a little then, _better be something really nice or I swear on magic I'll make him miserable._

"Well?" Arthur demanded. "Are you going to open it?"

"Erm...yeah, sure," Merlin mumbled as he picked up the freezing cold sheet and yanked it off – well all right he struggled a little but the snow was fucking heavy! – To reveal his new shiny present. It looked magnificent, glossy wood, shiny hinges, and it's special little plaque. "Wow..." Merlin said numbly. "You shouldn't have."

"I know," Arthur said smugly, "do you want to try it out?"

"_NO!_" Merlin roared.

"Why not? It's a perfectly good present!"

"Because you really shouldn't have!"

"But I did, be grateful to my kindness and at least try it out once."

"This isn't a present, it's a punishment!"

"There is nothing about it that's a punishment, Merlin; it is simply a nice thoughtful gift-"

"Thoughtful? _Thoughtful?!_ If this is you at your most thoughtful I hate to see you at your most insensitive!"

"I swear to god you must be the most ungrateful, useless, moronic servant in all of the five kingdoms!"

"And you are the most insensitive, uncaring, prattish, cabbage head king in all of the five kingdoms!"

There was a terrifyingly dark silence.

"Merlin."

"Yes?"

"You will use your present _**now**_."

And that was how Merlin ended up spending the second Christmas in Arthur's reign with snowballs and people's dinner's being thrown at him as he froze his arse off in the stocks. The brand new, glossy wood, shiny hinges, with a plaque telling anyone who can read that they were for Merlin's use only, stocks.

Next year he would rather receive a piece of coal instead.


	88. Last Words

**Summary: **Arthur's last words to Merlin are not what he had expected.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Freya, one-sided Merlin/Lancelot, Merlin/Gwaine, and implied Gwaine/anyone he can get his hands on.

**Author's Note: **a little parody of THAT scene in the finale. I feel we need to have some sort of laugh over this or otherwise we'll be heartbroken forever (I bawled my eyes out when I first watched it and then screamed for slash the second time). So this chapter is dedicated to all Merlin fans out there especially those that ship Merthur.

Merlin collapsed under the weight of Arthur and desperately clung to his dying friend as he struggled up back onto his feet. Arthur's hand slid into his hair and he seemed to tug Merlin down towards him.

Merlin was just about to tell him that this wasn't the time to snog when Arthur spoke first, "just let me die, Merlin," he said.

"No!"

There was a quick argument which Merlin is certain that he had won when Arthur suddenly rambled some rather meaningful things that he would never said if he wasn't dying. Like _I want you to always be you_, ha! On an average day Arthur is always telling him to be quiet, to be smarter, to be more manly, to be more...well not Merlin. It's strange really after hearing something he craved to hear he would prefer to hear the crap he had to put up with every day...

"Merlin before I go..." Arthur continued with a pain filled gasp, "I need to tell you something that I have never told you before."

This was it!

Finally after all these years of devotion and loyalty and holding his tongue on some of the more well deserved 'I told you sos', Merlin was finally going to get a thank you!

"I..." Arthur seemed to struggle to get the second word out.

Oh no! What if it was an _I love you_ instead of a _thank you_? Merlin wasn't sure if he could handle that, after all there was Gwen and Freya to think about, and Merlin had never particularly been interested in men before (all right, all right, but in his defence everyone has snogged Gwaine at least once because the man is a grabby drunk and everyone has fancied Lancelot just a tiny bit). Perhaps Arthur only wants to confess his very manly and bromantic love to Merlin? You know the friendship and loyalty and love that are nowhere near as epic and romantic as the love Arthur has for Gwen?

"I..."

Oh god he was actually going to do it, wasn't he? He was going to tell Merlin that he loved him. Him, Merlin the idiotic, clumsy, and rather awkward manservant.

"I..."

"Yes?" Merlin asked eagerly.

"I..."

"Yes?"

"I..."

"_Yes?!"_

Oh for the love of god what was taking Arthur so long? Just say the words so they can hurry up and move on to the Lake of Avalon so Merlin can cure him and then hold it over his head for the rest of his life.

"I...well you see there is this spot in my chambers that you have never cleaned and I mean never, you always seem to miss it so I was wondering when I'm dead could you please scrub it clean so- _OOF_!"

"I want you to know," Merlin said tearfully to his best friend's corpse, "that that punch was a decade in the making."


	89. Everybody Remembers

**Summary: **sequel to both Camelot's Rugby Club and Everybody Knows. Even after a thousand years Arthur is the last to find out.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Gwen/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, implied Elyan/Leon (if you're wearing your slash goggles), and did I mention Merthur?

"What do you want, Pendick?" Wayne Greene grumbled. "It's three in the morning and we all have to be in school in a few hours, so this better be good or I'll have your balls."

Here he stood wearing whatever he could throw over his boxers (jeans, no belt so he had to hold onto them to stop them falling, and a hoodie that had some pizza sauce from four days all over it) in the middle of the rugby field freezing his nuts off. Honestly if he wasn't for the fact Artie sounded so panicked (and rather excited as well) Wayne would have told him to fuck off before hanging up and going back to sleep.

"Wayne!" Jenny cried out in horror. "Though he is right, Artie," she said shivering in her teddy bear pjs, trainers, and coat, "Elliot and I will be in an awful lot of trouble if we got caught by our parents sneaking back in."

Elliot nodded dumbly as he pretty much fell asleep on Leo's shoulder who was barely awake himself. Lance (who looked somehow rather dashing in his Pikachu onsie) and Percy were fidgeting and trying to keep themselves awake as well. Martin just looked like he was going to run away or burst into giggles or die of embarrassment...or maybe all three.

"I almost died today."

"WHAT?!"

"But Martin saved me," Artie quickly added at the sight of all his friends' horrified looks (Elliot jumped awake). "The thing is...I was attacked by a Griffin."

No one responded they just looked on at Artie dumbly. Perhaps they all thought he had a nightmare and wasn't thinking straight or just high, either way if he didn't hurry up and explained it all to his friends soon Artie was certain he'll end up swimming with the fishes.

"And Martin used magic to save me, magic guys, and suddenly it all came back to me, and I remembered," Artie babbled quickly, "I remembered who I was, who we all were, what we have done, and what we will do...the thing is..."

Everyone leaned forward when Artie took a big dramatic silence – well all right, everyone but Martin but he doesn't count.

"I am King Arthur of Camelot and you are my trusted knights and Queen."

Artie was all prepared for scoffing, questions about his sanity and what drugs he had taken, and then telling off for waking them all up for a prank while he will continue to protest he was right and eventually win them over.

"Oh...is that it?" Wayne asked disappointedly.

"_Is that it?!_ I tell you that we are the reincarnation of some of the _greatest_ legend figures in our literature and you say _is that it?!"_

"Wow...déjà vu," Percy mumbled.

"Well...the thing is," Jenny said hesitatingly, "We...well...we already remember."

"_What?!_" Martin and Artie blurted out together.

"We already remember," Leo repeated, "I am Sir Leon, this is Sir Gwaine the drunken sot-"

"Pleased to meet you," Wayne winked.

"And you remember Sir Percival," Percy waved shyly, "Sir Elyan," Elliot snored (having fallen asleep again moments after he realised Arthur was now in the know), "Sir Lancelot," Lance nodded respectfully, "And Her Majesty, Queen Guinevere," Jenny beamed and waved.

"You...you...you remember? But how? When?" Arthur demanded to know.

"Well..." Jenny – no _Gwen _– began to blush. "You were all acting so homosexual and childish during Rugby practise," the boys all immediately began to loudly deny this but Gwen continued loudly over this, "that I just instantly remembered."

"When I kissed Guinevere at that party I remembered everything," Lancelot said dreamily as the pair gazed at one another happily.

Arthur would have been jealous but before he could say something about it Merlin stamped on his foot.

"I saw Merlin use his magic," Leon shrugged, "and suddenly I remember all the weird stuff that used to happen in Camelot and from there everything came back."

"I had terrible dreams," Gwaine shrugged as if it was nothing, "but booze seems to be the age old answer as always."

"GWAINE!"

"I just did," Percival muttered.

Elyan just snored again but considering the last time any of them had seen him he was bleeding out on a dusty floor in a dank room in the Dark Tower after saving his sister they decided to let him off.

"I bet you didn't know Merlin is actually immortal!" he added desperately trying to have something over his friends.

They all shared a look, "Oh sweetie," Gwen said gently, "it was really obvious when that old man kept popping up whenever 'Martin' disappeared."

"You mean I'm the last to know _again?_!"

Everyone nodded.

"Now can we go back to bed please?" Gwaine begged. "The worst thing about this reincarnation thing is that we have to go back to school."

"Did you even go to school in your first life?" Leon raised an eyebrow.

"That's not the point!"

"That means no," Percival said.

"None of us went to school the first time round," Lancelot pointed out. "But we do this time round and I am very tired."

"Fine go," Arthur snapped, "But Merlin here is going to polish every shoe that Morgana owns and trust me she owns almost every sort of shoe in the world."

"Wait, what?" Merlin snapped back into reality. "_Why?_"

"Punishment for making me the last one to know – _**again.**_"

"It's hardly my fault you're stupid clotpole!"

"Do you want to muck out the stables again?"

"I'm not your servant in this lifetime!"

"You'll always be my servant."

"Prat!"

"Idiot!"

As Merlin and Arthur walked off bickering with one another Gwaine yawned and draped an arm round Gwen. "Have they figured out that they're in love with one another, yet?"

"No," Gwen sighed, "unfortunately I think it'll take another thousand years for them to work out that one."


	90. Young People's Fashion

**Summary: **Arthur asked the wrong person to dress him that one time Merlin went missing. After all what does Gaius know about fashion?

**Pairings: **parental Gaius/Merlin and implied Arthur/Gwen.

When Merlin had told Gaius that Arthur was incapable of dressing himself Gaius had thought that Merlin had been exaggerating and acting like the little drama queen he had always been. Unfortunately Gaius was wrong as he suddenly found out when Merlin went missing (again) and there was no one (apparently George was on holiday how they managed to get him out of the castle will be a mystery to Gaius) to dress Arthur in time for his meeting with the Sarrum.

"Sire, surely you can dress yourself for this one day?" Gaius cried out.

Arthur, half naked and impatient, stood up from his awkward crouched position and dropped his arms. "Gaius I have never once dressed myself, when I was a child it had been my Nanny, when I was ten and sent away to be squired it was Sir Ector's servants, and when I came back it had been my menservants or occasionally Guinevere when Merlin has run off, again."

_Dear God in Heaven!_ That's it Gaius was never again going to feed Merlin gruel, he deserved a whole roasted hog for babying this spoilt brat!

"Now please," Arthur bent down again, "the red one."

The red one, _what_?

Gaius examined all the bewilderingly different items of clothing. Some were short, some were not, some had legs, some didn't, and it had been a long time since Gaius actually looked at clothes instead of just noting everyone was fully dressed. Several items were in various shades of red but Gaius assumed Arthur meant the Pendragon shade of red and in the most expensive piece of cloth.

Then he saw it, it was just like the one Merlin wore in his free time, and when Gaius had questioned it he had simply said all the men wore it nowadays, so Gaius grabbed it, and started to help Arthur into it.

"Hmm," Arthur said absentmindedly, "I don't recall ever owning a silk shirt. Perhaps I should punish Merlin by making him write up an inventory of my clothes."

"You do that, Sire," Gaius said as he struggled to lace up Arthur's shirt.

Man that kid could use losing several pounds or so.

MMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur stood proudly next to his beautiful wife and surrounded by his knights and councillors all of which were staring at him oddly. Gwaine suddenly burst into hysterical laughter, Leon looked constipated, Percival turned bright red, Mordred's mouth hung open gormlessly like Merlin's did occasionally, and his wife looked at him as if she could murder him.

"What?" he asked. "Do I smell or something?"

Gwaine laughed even more and Percival lost all composure and joined in with him.

"Arthur," Guinevere said sharply, "why are you wearing my favourite red silk dress?"

"_**WHAT?!"**_

Somewhere out in the woods a dying Merlin threw his head back, he recognised that voice anywhere, obviously Arthur had only just found out he was missing, and he groaned, "I swear Gaius if you have told Arthur that I'm in the tavern again I will shove my staff up where the sun doesn't shine."

Meanwhile back in Camelot Arthur ever so slowly turns his head to face a serene and calm Gaius and for the tenth billionth time in his life he wishes he had Morgana's powers so he could turn Gaius into a pile of ash.

"You dressed me in _Guinevere's _clothes?" he hissed. "Gaius, how _could_ you?"

"You didn't realise you were being dressed in a dress?" Leon asked.

Arthur didn't dignify that question with an answer but suddenly the rest of the knights had now joined Gwaine and Percival in their hysterical laughing (Gwaine was now rolling on the floor and on the verge of wetting himself, the drunken sot) while Guinevere merely face palmed.

"Why did I marry you again?" she mumbled into her hand.

"I do apologise Sire if there has been any embarrassment," Gaius said calmly, "but I honestly do not understand your young people's fashion. I was certain men wore long flowing shirts like that after all Merlin does so all the time at home."


	91. Arthur's Affairs

**Summary: **Gwen catches Arthur at it with Leon and Mordred.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Arthur/Leon/Mordred, Merthur, implied Gaius/Arthur, a little Leon/Gwen if you squint, and some more Merthur.

Arthur strides out of the storage room with a great confidence that he got one over Morgana.

It had been heartbreaking to find out that Morgana managed to brainwash his own wife against him but he still had Merlin and his Knights, and everything was going to be all right. Right now he had just debriefed Leon and Mordred of a secret new plan that no one will know about until it's implemented. Merlin will figure out some way to save Guinevere and the world will be back to normal once more.

Arthur barely made three steps out of the storage room when he saw Guinevere standing there with her hands on her hips. Her usual loving expression was nowhere to be seen, instead her eyes were cold, and her lip pressed into a straight line, and her jaw was twitching slightly.

She was furious with him.

"Eek!"

"Arthur Pendragon," Guinevere said in her cold deadly voice that she usually used after he did something to Merlin, "what on earth are you up to?"

"Up to?" Arthur repeated squeakily (never tell Merlin this). "I'm not up to anything."

"Oh _really_?"

"Really."

"Then why were you, Leon, and Mordred doing in the dark, in a small storage room, underneath the castle, far, far, away from everyone else," Guinevere demanded to know.

"Err..."

"Yes?"

"I...I...I was teaching them some poetry?"

Guinevere's stern expression melted away quickly into a look of sheer horror. "Oh my God!" she wailed despairingly. "You're cheating on me with Leon and Mordred!"

"What?"

"It's bad enough," she snarled, tears running down her cheeks, "that you're having an affair with Merlin but now your knights? What's next? Are you sleeping with Gaius as well?"

"_What?_!" Arthur cried out. "Guinevere, I am not having an affair with anyone, why on earth would you think such a thing?"

"You said you were teaching them poetry," more tears ran down her cheeks and she looked at him sorrowfully. "The whole castle knows that it's an innuendo for sex!"

"Since _when_?" Arthur yelped.

"Since Leon caught you and Merlin at it!"

"Merlin and I have never been at anything!"

"Pay up," Mordred murmured to Leon, and then much to Arthur's horror Leon handed several gold coins to Mordred, "I knew they weren't having an affair."

Arthur spluttered and then choked a little on his own spit out of sheer indignation. "Does everyone think Merlin and I are having an affair?!"

"He admits it!" Guinevere sobbed. "My husband is a cheating, lying, scumbag who sleeps with men and never spends time with me!"

"You bastard," Leon said as he wrapped a comforting arm round Guinevere.

"Just remember who your king is," Arthur raised an eyebrow.

"Err...I mean you bastard, my liege," Leon corrected himself.

After reassuring Guinevere that the only person Arthur ever had sex with was with her (rather badly, she couldn't let go of the idea that he was shagging Merlin for some reason) and silencing Leon and Mordred over the plan (again), and then storming off to torment Merlin with training and chores, when he caught a serving girl whispering to her friend rather loudly;

"Poor Merlin," she hissed, "apparently the King was cheating on him with Sir Leon and Sir Mordred. Imagine! A threesome in the storage rooms!"

Goddaminit! Does everyone think he's been shagging Merlin?


	92. Camelot's Gossip Magazine

**Summary: **Arthur discovers Camelot's source of gossip and is not amused.

**Pairings: **Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, Arthur/Morgana, people/neckerchiefs, Gwen/Lancelot, and a lot more Merthur – all implied of course.

_**ROYAL MERTHUR BABY ON THE WAY?!**_

_By K the Great. _

_For the last few years, we citizens of Camelot have been waiting impatiently for a Royal baby, after all a King needs an heir and we readers need something adorable to coo over! Now in the last few weeks it appears our hopes are to be fulfilled – Merlin is pregnant with King Arthur's baby! First Merlin had not been seen doing any of his duties as a servant because of, what rumour has it, 'he was too ill and Gaius decided to enforce bed rest on him', and then various members of the castle staff has claimed to see Merlin vomiting violently all over the castle and that he has looked nauseous when serving the King his breakfast in the morning. All signs of a pregnancy's morning sickness! To add to the rumours it has been confirmed that Merlin has indeed put on enough weight for it to be a pregnancy bulge; one of the seamstresses has revealed his tunic had to be replaced just to his swollen belly. _

_Although the King has yet to confirm this we suspect the Merthur baby will be due in six months time, making a delightful Christmas present to Camelot. _

_All of Camelot is rejoicing at the news despite the fact the child will unfortunately be illegitimate though sources have confirmed the child will inherit if the Queen continues to prove to be barren. Meanwhile there is speculation that Queen Guinevere will take on the role of the evil stepmother and join the Lady Morgana in her attempt to destroy Camelot and kill King Arthur and his pregnant manservant. Will she or will she continue to be the loving queen we all know and love? It remains to be seen._

_Look at the back of the magazine for details on the naming competition for the Merthur baby as well as the betting for whether it will be a boy and a girl. _

"I'm _what?_" Merlin blurted out when Gwaine finished reading the article out loud. "When? How? What? This makes no sense! I was on bed rest because I had a concussion! I was throwing up everywhere because Gwaine gave me food poisoning, and I've never liked Arthur's breakfast the smell of all that meat so early in the morning is disgusting, oh and I needed to replace my shirt because someone ripped it!"

No one paid Merlin any attention instead all the knights were looking at their King waiting for him to confirm the fact his rather hysterical manservant was indeed pregnant and whether or not they were going to call it Gwaine Jr (Gwaine was insistent that they were).

"They think I do _what_ to Merlin?"

"Don't bother trying to deny it, Arthur," Leon said, rolling his eyes, "we've all heard you two at it before. The banging, the swearing, the yelps, and the blaspheming."

"Trust me," Merlin said darkly, "that's not Arthur shagging me, that's Arthur trying to murder me because I'm late or I accidentally made a hole in his favourite shirt or something equally ridiculous."

"What on earth is this rubbish and how long has it been filling the minds of my people?" Arthur asked as he eyed the magazine in Gwaine's hand disdainfully.

"The Camelot Gossip Magazine is no rubbish!" Gwaine shouted as he clutched his magazine protectively to his chest. "It's a beautiful collection of truth and wonderful opinions!"

"He's only saying that because they keep voting for him," Percival said rolling his eyes.

"Voting?" Arthur repeated. "Who the hell would vote for Gwaine for anything?"

"Hey!" Gwaine barked. "I have you know that I won the Most Charming Smile Award for the last four years as well as The Best Hair Award!"

"But you haven't won the Best Abs Award," Percival pointed out with a smirk, "or the Best Muscles, or the Strongest Warrior Award."

"Have I won anything?" Arthur asked curiously.

"You won the Mr Tubby Award," Gwaine said cheerfully.

Arthur saw red. Not just red but a furious, flaming, scarlet red, and before Gwaine could make a run for it, Arthur snatched his magazine and tore it to pieces. "I am not fat!" he snarled dementedly. "That is it! Merlin clean up this mess and then fetch me my armour, I will find this K the Great and shut his business down! No one calls me fat or make up lies about me impregnating my manservant, or even call my wife evil!"

He then stormed off with his head held high as Merlin dejectedly followed him out of the room. Gwaine, however, crumpled to the floor and despaired over his ripped up magazine.

"Hmm," Percival said thoughtfully, "you would think it was the suggestion that Gwen was evil that would make him angry not the fact they called him fat."

MMMMMM

"It can't be done, Sire."

Gaius had been spending the day in peace while making concoctions to cure all ills when Arthur suddenly burst in angry like a bull and Merlin sighing in his usual long-suffering way. After calming Arthur down enough to find out what was wrong Gaius sat down to give his usual sage and wise advice.

"What do you mean it can't be done?" Arthur exploded.

"Just as I said, it can't be done; your father had tried to repress it and had failed spectacularly." Gaius shrugged, "The Camelot Gossip Magazine has been running for almost forty years and no one knows who had started it, how they get their information, or even how they deliver their magazines. It is a complete mystery to the world."

"Surely there must be some way to discern their identity or their whereabouts," Arthur persisted.

"You're more than welcome to have a look at my collection," Gaius said picking up a large pile that over towered him, "perhaps they have made a mistake or let something slip over the years."

Arthur bit his lip to suppress a groan just like he used to do when he was twelve and Gaius had assigned me a large amount of scientific reading for his lesson. "_Mer_lin," he said, "start going through these now."

Merlin had no problems with groaning out loud. He threw himself down on the floor and started to read one of the magazines (with its cover proclaiming _**NEW FASHION: NECKERCHIEF BACK IN, THANKS TO CROWN PRINCE'S MANSERVANT!**_) while Arthur stood there tapping his foot impatiently.

"Well?" he demanded.

"Hang on I only just started reading this one," Merlin snapped defensively.

"And what have you learnt?"

"That apparently my neckerchief is the sexiest new thing since chainmail thongs," Merlin said looking mildly disgusted, "and I now know why half the servants started to wear them."

Hmm...Arthur had wondered why he saw so many Merlin look-a-likes in the last ten years.

"And?"

"And apparently you use my neckerchief to tie me up and do all sorts of kinky things," Merlin said now completely disgusted.

"Well that's no help at all!" Arthur snapped.

"Sire," Gaius said giving him The Eyebrow, "why don't you help Merlin go through the magazines as well."

This time Arthur really did groan and he threw himself on the floor beside Merlin and picked a fairly old copy entitled _**THE CROWN PRINCE AND THE WARD: ROMANCE SO CLOSE TO HOME?**_

Within twenty minutes Arthur disrupted Gaius' peaceful silence once again;

"Aaaak! They think Morgana and I do _what_?!"

MMMMMM

The Great Dragon was compiling another list on who were the most eligible bachelors in Camelot. Sadly with all the deaths, marriage, and evilness that was running amok in his beloved city (and the drunken sot as well) that only really left Sir Percival and Sir Leon. It was a struggle to come up with anything else and therefore occupied his mind thoroughly until he heard something rustling in the bushes.

"Who's there?" he roared.

"It's only me K," his best friend called out, "I've come bearing some gossip."

"Oh good," he said, "I need to another few articles for the next issue. What is it? More news on the Merthur baby? Gwaine finally settling down? Mordred has finally gone over the dark side?"

"Nope," his best friend said cheerfully, "unfortunately the Merthur baby doesn't exist anymore. Either poor Merlin lost it naturally or..."

"Or?"

"Well that's my news," his best friend said leaning in closer to whisper his latest conspiracy, "I think Queen Guinevere forced a miscarriage on him. I have reason to believe that she is indeed with child – and it is not the King's!"

"NO!"

"Oh yes, in fact I have it on good authority that it is Sir Lancelot's child."

"Lancelot is dead though."

"Oh no that's what she wants us to believe," his best friend said reassuringly, "they had faked his death to get him out of the dungeons and since then he has been living in her old cottage as Lotlance, not very original I'm afraid, and he has been sneaking in whenever he can to have his way with the Queen!"

"My God, you're right!" the Great Dragon shouted. "She has always been trying to pry apart my coin with the two sides and now she has ruined my chance to have a grandchild! I will reveal the truth in the next issue; it shall be the cover's topic!"

"I shall send you a detailed account of what else I can find out," his best friend promised.

"Do so," the Great Dragon ordered. He watched his best friend leave as another thought struck him. "Oh! And can you bring me a roasted hog? I haven't had a decently cooked meal in months."

"Of course," his best friend said, "goodbye K."

"Goodbye Geoffrey."


	93. Demonic Merlin?

**Summary: **Arthur suspects that Merlin is a half demon (damn those legends!)

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, brief mention of Hunith/Balinor, Hunith/OC, Hunith/Great Dragon, Jack Harkness/Everyone, and brief implication (if you squint) Sebastian/Ciel.

**Author's Note: **this is a crossover with Black Butler! You do not need to have seen/read the awesome anime/manga. All you need to know is that the anime/manga is set in late Victorian period (where the Arthurian legend was very popular and going through one of its many revivals including the Lady Shallot poem) and it about a young boy, age twelve, who had witnessed his parents murder, home been burned down, and was kidnapped by an occult cult and held captive until he accidentally summoned a demon (Sebastian) and made a deal for his soul. It's absolutely hilarious and completely worth a read (I recommend mangahere if you want to give it a try). Anyway the whole point is more about Merlin than anything else so please keep reading!

They had been hunting when another portal appeared and two people stepped out – well Arthur says stepped out but really only one did while carrying the other in his arms – and everyone let out a loud moan. There had been several incidences with what Merlin had called time travellers for the last few months and after several assassination attempts on his father, arguments over whom was the gayest with Robin Hood, and some sort of Incubus by the name Jack Harkness running around, no one wanted to endure another encounter with another set of oddballs.

"Sebastian," the small child said, "this does not look like home."

"No, my lord," the one called Sebastian agreed with the child in his arms, "it appears I have taken a wrong turn in the portal."

"Tch! Idiot!"

"Err...who are you?" Merlin blurted out.

The pair turned to look at them and suddenly Arthur wanted to hide under a rock or something. The elder man (Sebastian) in all black had the most terrifying red eyes that Arthur had ever seen and the impassive expression seemed to send chills down his spine for no apparent reason. For some reason Arthur was reminded of a crow or perhaps even a dangerous feline...the two contradicting impressions made him even more uneasy. Then the child in the man's arms could be no more than thirteen (which would have made Arthur snort derisively in any other circumstances – when he was thirteen he was riding out to war, he certainly wasn't coddled like that!) and look eerily similar to the druid boy Mordred only with an eye patch, very gay clothing (it was _frilly_!), and his hair was some sort of greenish-blue.

"Apologies," the man said politely, "I am Sebastian, the Phantomhive butler, and this here is my master the Earl of Phantomhive."

"Sebastian, let me go," the boy ordered, "I can make my own introductions."

"Yes, young master."

The boy took two steps towards Arthur and Merlin with a menacing glare that almost made Arthur laugh...Merlin didn't hold back at all and did burst out laughing.

"How dare you! I am the Earl of Phantomhive!" the bra- err Arthur means child snapped. "You dare laugh at me when I can have you crushed within seconds?"

Merlin choked on his laughter and clutched his stomach. "Oh god!" there were tears in his eyes and just for a brief moment Arthur considered running this kid through with his sword for making Merlin cry. "I think this kid is even more arrogant than you were, Arthur!"

Then again maybe he'll just run Merlin through with his sword.

"Shut up, Merlin!" he barked.

The kid lost his arrogant indignation in favour of interest. Suddenly Arthur would have preferred it if he had glared at them rather than examine them as if they were part of Uther's art collection – interesting and worth something. Arthur shuddered a little; he didn't want to be part of this kid's collection.

"Arthur and Merlin?" he questioned.

"Oh not this again!" Arthur moaned. "We know, we know, one day we'll be great legends that you have all read about, yes I have a sword called Excalibur, and no Merlin doesn't have a beard and more importantly, he doesn't have magic."

The kid raised his eyebrow. "Really?" he said dryly.

"Yes, _really_," Arthur said assertively.

The kid turned to his butler. Any other day Arthur would be insulted that someone would take a servant's word over his – very majestic – own word but then considering how trustworthy menservants can be (Merlin was the living, breathing, example) he couldn't blame the kid for trusting the butler's over his own.

"Well, Sebastian?"

"It could be possible that the concept of Merlin having magic is merely part of the legend rather than fact," Sebastian conceded. Arthur was going to jump up and cheer at that but the damn butler smirked – like Merlin or Morgana would when they thought he was being particularly stupid – and continued, "however my own kind have had several encounters with Merlin and I can safely say he does indeed have magic."

"No he doesn't!" Arthur shrieked.

"No I don't!" Merlin cried out somewhat belatedly.

"How tiresome," the kid commented, "very well. We shall drop the matter of magic," Merlin for some reason sighed with relief, "however I am curious," the boy continued and Arthur sighed knowing what was coming next, he immediately prepared a gentle let down over playing with Excalibur, "is the legend of your parentage being demonic true, Merlin?"

"I'm very sorry but you cannot- wait! _What?!" _Arthur yelped interrupting his prepared reply. "What do you mean demonic parentage?"

The look the kid gave him made him feel like a moronic idiot...like Merlin. Or Gwaine, speaking of Gwaine, where was that idiot?

"The legend that Merlin's mother was a nun who had been raped by a demon...or was seduced, the story varies."

"Hunith was a nun?!"

"No she wasn't!" Merlin yelped. "She never took vows!"

"So she had been in a nunnery!"

"How else did she learn to read and write?"

"So you are a half demon!"

"No I am not! My mother wasn't even pregnant when she left the nunnery! She had to go when grandfather was ill!"

"How can I believe that? it seems you've been lying about everything, your so called magic, your beard, Guinevere and Lancelot, why not your parentage while you're at it?!"

"For fuck sake Arthur, my father wasn't a demon!"

"How would you know? You said you never met him! For all you know he was a demon!"

"Make your mind up! Just a moment ago you claimed I was concealing the truth from you!"

"Aha! You admit it, you are a demon!"

"ARRRRRRRRRGH!"

"Back off, demon spawn!"

"For the last time," Merlin spat out through gritted teeth, "my father was not a demon! He was a dragon-a delivery man!"

"A delivery man?" Arthur questioned disbelievingly.

"Uhuh."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Because for a moment it sounded like you said your father was a dragon."

"Really? It sounds like I will have to clean your ears out tonight, my lord."

"Oh my god! He _**is**_, isn't _**he**_?"

"What?"

"Your father is the Great Dragon! You're half dragon! You're a fire-breathing freak conceived in a nunnery when the Great Dragon raped your mother!"

"_What the hell is wrong with you?!"_

The troublesome child that had caused this mess yawned. "I tire of this stupidity," he muttered, "come Sebastian, let's go home."

"Yes, my lord," the butler mocking bowed before picking up the child.

"Do not get lost again, Sebastian," the boy ordered, "I do not wish to encounter gawking idiots again."

They brushed past Gwaine, Leon, Percival, and Elyan who were all sitting on the forest floor eating popcorn and enjoying the show.

"Indeed, young master," Sebastian agreed. "Though it does not surprise me that such stupidity exists. Anyone called Sir Gwaine the Green must be an imbecile."

They stepped through the portal which sealed itself shut while Arthur and Merlin continued to scream at one another much like two lovers quarrelling. It took another five minutes before Gwaine realised what Sebastian had said.

"Hey! Did that guy just call me an imbecile?"


	94. Sex-y Mistress Dolma

**Summary: **Merlin gets an unwanted reputation.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Merlin, one-sided Mordred/Merlin, implied Gwaine/Mordred, some Arwen hidden somewhere, and probably some Merthur if you squint.

"Where's Merlin?"

"Oh the little serving boy," Merlin purred as he tried to act flirtatiously like he had seen Gwen act from time to time, "I have him chained up somewhere, just as reassurance that nothing happens to me."

"Oh my god," Arthur gasped horrified.

"I haven't harmed him," Merlin huffed.

"No but you have had your wicked way with him, haven't you?"

"Erm...?"

"Oh my god!" Arthur yelled. "You've turned my manservant into your sex slave!"

"_What?_!"

"You have, haven't you?!"

"_No!_"

"Don't lie! You have him chained up! My poor, innocent, naive, helpless and useless, manservant," Arthur bemoaned, "the poor bugger would have no idea what you were doing to him."

Merlin's very manly masculine pride was incredibly insulted. After all he was certainly not helpless with his magnificent super magical powers that he had used to save Arthur's life over a million times and he was certainly not useless, look up above for why. To top it off Arthur was making him sound like some sort of virginal princess locked up in some sort of ivory tower. For fuck sake he isn't Morgana. He has had sex before! Sort of...maybe...he had been drunk...

Either way he had to defend himself from the likes of Arthur Pendragon!

"I have you know that Merlin of Elador was a fucking fantastic lover!" Merlin shrieked. "He knew his way round a woman's body better than any man I had and he has a bigger penis than you!"

Pathetically immature but it would have to do in order to deflate Arthur's ego.

It did nothing to help the situation.

"I knew it!" Arthur wailed. "You raped Merlin! You tore away his innocence! I beg of you, no more, take me for reassurance just don't besmirch Merlin's innocence any more...oh and cure my wife, please?"

Merlin snorted that was just fucking typical of Arthur. Overdramatic to the point he almost forgot why he was there.

"Sire, if I may," Mordred said bowing, "you cannot leave the Queen's side in case Mistress Dolma is in need of your assistance in healing the Queen."

"True," Arthur said hesitatingly.

"Therefore I offer myself up in Merlin's place."

"WHAT?!" both Arthur and Merlin bellowed.

"I am not swapping places with you," Merlin hissed at Mordred.

"Mordred I cannot in good conscience allow an even more innocent and underage person submit to such disgusting acts of nature with that hag!" Arthur shouted over Merlin.

"Hag?!" Merlin shrieked now wishing that Gwen had succeeded in killing Arthur. "You insensitive boar! I have you know that I'm...you know what I cannot even bother arguing with you. I am not raping Merlin and even if I was-"

"Honestly Arthur," Mordred said brightly looking at their king with adoration, "I don't mind. Gwaine ensured I am no longer innocent anymore and I find it no trouble to do more duty to Camelot."

Even when he was a woman with the cure for Gwen's mental illness he was still being ignored by his so called friends.

"Mordred you are my most loyal and truest friend," Arthur replied almost tearfully. _Bullshit!_ Merlin thought darkly, _this kid is going to kill you one day while I, the man who kills for you, saves your life, cleans your clothes, feed you, bathe you, dress you, and act like your mother and slave rolled into one just gets accused of raping myself and really badly insulted_. "I cannot ask you to have sexual relations with such a hideous and old woman."

"But Arthur," Mordred protested, "I think she's absolutely stunning. In fact the older the woman the better."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Merlin yelped as he jumped back when Mordred turned a very Gwaine like leer in his direction.

"Stay away from me you bewitching hag!" Arthur yelled.

It took another three hours of arguing with Arthur, refusing Mordred's advances, and knocking Gwen out before Merlin had even been allowed to heal Gwen. It then took another two hours to get rid of both Arthur and Mordred before he could go back and change back into his regular self, and then for the entirety of the journey back Merlin had to endure Arthur's bragging from saving him from the Dolma.

"For the last time," Merlin bellowed in the courtyard, "I was not kidnapped and raped by a sex-addict dominatrix pensioner!"

Gwaine having heard this instantly went on a quest in search of his new true love.


	95. The Wrong Conclusion

**Summary: **Arthur really shouldn't think.

**Pairings: **implied Gwen/Arthur, Arthur/Morgana, Uther/Igraine, and probably some Merthur if you squint.

**Author's Note: **this chapter is dedicated to Starkid191 who is my NINE HUNDRETH REVIEWER! YES WE HAVE REACHED NINE HUNDRED REVIEWS! I want to thank everyone who had also reviewed and I'm now determined to get a thousand reviews before I graduate in July.

It was a normal day which of course meant it was abnormal since there were no sorcerers attacking Camelot, no mythical beasts to slay, or another gigantic peace treaty that must be signed in Camelot by backstabbing politicians. Merlin was, of course, enjoying the peace while trying to catch up on some chores he had neglected due to defeating sorcerers/mythical beasts/backstabbing politicians for the last three weeks on the trot.

"Merlin," Arthur said from his desk, "I've been thinking..."

"Did that hurt?"

"Did what hurt?" Arthur asked confused.

"Thinking," Merlin grinned cheekily, "you rarely use that muscle we call a brain that it must have hurt."

He barely dodged the silver goblet Arthur threw his way and when he did he grimaced at the crack it made in the wardrobe. No doubt he will have to fix that on top of all of his other chores, never mind the fact it almost bloody killed him...

"So you've been thinking," Merlin prompted instead of using magic to throw something equally hard at Arthur and see if he liked that.

"Yes," Arthur said, "about all the weird things that happen around us."

"Like?" Merlin prompted.

There were far too many weird things for that to be specific enough. After all was Arthur referring to all the attempts to overthrow him or was he talking about the random mystical beasts that attack them? Or could he be thinking of Percival's lack of sleeves, Gwaine's hair, Leon's immortality, and Elyan's determination to keep Gwen a virgin even though she's been married for two years now? Maybe – Merlin feels bile rising in his throat at the mere thought - he meant Merlin's magic...see the sentence was just too vague in their lives, he needed to be specific about the 'weird things'.

"Well..." Arthur said slowly, "like all those times where branches conveniently drop on my opponents head, or when a torch suddenly explodes into a giant flame thrower, or when the lights suddenly go out and when they turn back on all my enemies are defeated, or when one moment I am seconds away from being some sort of magical creature's dinner and the next I wake up to your ugly mug-"

"Hey!" Merlin interrupted indignantly. "I have you know that my so called ugly mug as you call it won the yearly beauty pageant in my village since I was thirteen years old!"

"Could you be any more of a girl, _Mer_lin?" Arthur drawled. "And of course you won, I've been to Elador remember? There was no one even somewhat nice looking for miles around. And everyone seemed to have the same big nose."

"Yeah, we all share a great grandparent," Merlin said absentmindedly. There was an awkward moment of silence as Arthur stared at Merlin in horror. Merlin was suddenly indignant at such hypocrisy. "Don't look at me like that! Your parents were two steps away from being each other's siblings! Hell you almost married your own sister!"

"I did not!"

"You did too!"

"I did not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

This argument of course went on for another hour or so before it ended with Arthur throwing his ink well at Merlin and Merlin cleaning it up. It was not until Arthur failed to get interested in farming reports that he brought up the original topic of discussion again.

Damn! And Merlin thought he managed to get Arthur's mind off of it by (rightly) accusing Arthur almost committing incest.

"So back to the weird things," Arthur said, "as I told you earlier about the branches, dead enemies, random avalanches, I come to a realisation that magic must be involved."

Merlin felt his throat constrict as he barely managed to squeak out an, "Oh?"

"Merlin..." Arthur stared at Merlin with those piercing blue eyes, there was a look of regal calm on his face that was also grim with the knowledge he was about to part with, all Merlin could think was, _oh god here it comes, I'm going to get beheaded for sure!_ Then Arthur opened his mouth again, "I think I have magic."

"Arthur I'm sorry for ly- erm...what?" Merlin caught up on what Arthur just said.

"I think I have magic."

"_What?_!"

"I think I have magic," Arthur said slowly, "I know you're an idiot Merlin but surely you're not that-"

"I know what you said!" Merlin snapped. "What I had meant was – what? How? _Why_?"

_Why are you so fucking stupid_? Was the silent question.

"Well...it's logical," Arthur shrugged, "after all, all these weird things happen to ensure my victory, I can't see any sorcerer being stupid enough to save the son of the man that wanted them extinct," Merlin shifted at that, "and of course, everyone keeps telling me I'm born from magic -"

"That doesn't necessarily mean you have magic!"

"Well what else would it mean?" Arthur asked confused.

_That your father is a fucking hypocrite_, Merlin thought spitefully but truthfully. Instead he said out loud, "that you were born on a special day, of course," he smiled sweetly, Arthur glared at him. The day his mother and father died was never special to him.

"And then of course," Arthur carried on, "my sister has magic, so why shouldn't I?"

"Arthur," Merlin said trying to muster up enough patience, "your _half_ sister had magic from her _mother's side_ of the family which is definitely not related to you."

"You don't know that!" Arthur protested.

"Her sister from her mother had magic," Merlin pointed out.

"Father was so eager to keep me away from Morgause that she might just be my sister as well," Arthur said stubbornly, "I have magic, Merlin, I'm sure of it!"

"No you don't," Merlin hissed out between gritted teeth.

"Yes, I do!" Arthur insisted. "And I'll prove it to you!"

"Go on then!"

"Fine, I will," Arthur snapped, he looked around and then finally saw something that made him smirk (Merlin tried to suppress a shudder for one brief moment he was reminded of Morgana), "I will make that goblet levitate!" he declared.

"All right then," Merlin rolled his eyes.

Arthur stood there with his hand held out, concentrating on the goblet that lay on the floor, while Merlin decided to pick at his nails. Twenty minutes later, Arthur's eyes were watering and Merlin was getting hungry, "Oh, yeah," he said sarcastically, "I see what you mean, sire, what a spectacular show of magical power, Morgana will be trembling in her boots."

"Oh, shut up _Mer_lin!" Arthur snarled. "It doesn't work when I try to force it," Arthur explained, "I need to be in danger for the magic to work."

"If you say so," Merlin humoured him.

"I do."

"Uhuh!"

"Oh go- go do my laundry!"

"Witty."

"Merlin."

"All right, all right," Merlin said picking up the basket of disgusting smelly clothes, "I'm go-"

The window suddenly smashed to pieces as a giant half bird, half horse creature squawked at them.

"Don't worry Merlin!" Arthur shouted as he stepped in front of Merlin, arms spread out, "My magic will save us!"

Merlin decided that beating his head against a wall repeatedly was far more effective than trying to save Arthur from his latest bout of stupidity.


	96. Queen Elena of Camelot

**Summary: **Arthur marries the wrong woman...or does he?

**Pairings: **Merthur, Elena/Gwaine, one-sided Agravaine/Merlin, Gwen/Lancelot, Merthur, attempted Elena/Arthur (more friendship than anything), brief mention of Freya/Merlin, Merthur...oh did I say that already?

When Arthur married Elena the whole of Camelot went into disappointment and depression – okay that was a lie, most of the commoners didn't care, Morgana was smirking as she revelled in everyone's misery, and Uther was really, really, really proud of his son for doing what he was told.

Merlin was incredibly unimpressed and Arthur hadn't seen Guinevere in days.

Arthur certainly felt depressed he broke the love of his life's heart, broke his own heart, and disappointed his best friend. He also hadn't consummated his marriage with Elena which is starting to cause awkward questions from his father. Quite frankly Arthur didn't want to discuss his sex – or lack of – life with his father...in front of Morgana who won't stop cackling.

"It's all right, Arthur," Elena said cheerfully.

"It is?" Arthur questioned dubiously.

They sat there in his bed after another terrible attempt to consummate their marriage, the kissing was...well not spectacular, and whatever attraction Arthur managed to drum up was instantly destroyed when Elena accidentally kneed him in the balls.

"We'll work something out."

"We will?"

"Yes," Elena smiled sweetly, "I will fake the loss of my virginity and when the time comes I shall take a lover in order to get an heir which allows you to be with Merlin."

"_Mer_lin?"

"Yes."

"_Merlin?_!"

"Yes."

"_Merlin_?" Arthur repeated again. "What do you mean me and _Mer_lin? Me and Merlin are nothing. Just master and servant, barely even that seeing as he's terrible at his job. I like _girls_ not _Mer_lin."

"Arthur, who are you kidding?" Elena said good naturedly. "The looks, the touches, the banter, the fact that he calls you _sunshine_?"

"He calls me a lot of things," Arthur grumbled, "just to annoy me," he added hastily.

"And the fact he is standing here in this room during what should be a private moment between husband and wife?"

"I wanted someone to witness this so my Father will drop the bloody matter!"

"I'm fairly sure I don't get paid for this."

"Shut up _Mer_lin!"

Elena shot an apologetic look at the very disgruntled Merlin. So far since she had married Arthur the only person who hadn't sniggered or looked irritated or outright ignore her had been Merlin. She had started to think of him as a friend hence her offer to Arthur, she wanted them to both be happy...and if she could also find some happiness along the way then it was a true happy ending.

"Why do I have to witness you rutting like a pig?"

"I do not rut like a pig!"

"You sound like one."

"_Merlin_!" there was a brief moment of silence as Arthur collected himself. "Look, most royal or noble marriages have witnesses to the consummation to ensure the marriage is valid. I need you to tell Father that you saw me and Elena."

"Shouldn't a higher up member of Court do it? Like Geoffrey?"

"Why would I want Geoffrey watch me shagging my wife?"

"Why do you want _me_ to watch you shagging your wife?" Merlin counteracted. "Besides if you need someone to witness the consummation shouldn't it be the person who performed the wedding ceremony?"

"Oh for the love of-" Arthur made a motion as if he would like to throttle Merlin dearly. Instead he took a deep calming breath. "Okay...this is what we shall do. Merlin will tell Father that the marriage is consummated, Elena will fake her loss, and I will find Guinevere."

"Erm..." Merlin shifted uneasily. "Gwen isn't in Camelot anymore."

"_What?_!" Arthur exploded. "Since _when_?"

"Since yesterday!"

"And no one told me?"

"Well you're half the reason why she left!"

"What's the other half?" Arthur asked eager to share the blame with someone else.

"Well...Lancelot, he asked her to join him in his travels as his wife..."

Merlin had started to edge towards the door long before he had answered Arthur. When Arthur let out a snarl and threw his goblet, Merlin had escaped by an inch of a second and the goblet ended up smashing the door. Elena flinched; she had never seen such a violent side of her husband before. Eventually Arthur calmed down, Elena cut herself and stained the sheets, and Arthur cheered up the next morning when Uther congratulated him for finally becoming a man.

Elena, however, enjoyed a day with Merlin who taught her to make daisy chains much to Arthur's chagrin.

MMMMMMMM

"Merlin! And – _hello_, and who are _you?_"

"Princess Elena...and you are?"

"Bewitched, by your beauty."

"..."

"Yeah, so this is Princess Elena, Arthur's _wife_, and Elena this is Gwaine."

"Sir Gwaine the Sexy."

"No I'm pretty sure it's just Gwaine, and she's still _Arthur's wife_."

"So tell me beautiful, what brings you around this area of Camelot? Was it the drinks or me?"

"Oh you...definitely you."

"My God, it's like talking to a brick wall...or worse, Arthur...why am I always the third wheel?"

MMMMMMMMM

Morgana was sitting on her throne ruling Camelot and smirking to herself when a bumbling guard nervously came in. "Erm...Your Majesty?" he said. "I...erm...well..."

"What is it?" she barked.

"The Princess Elena escaped confinement and has run off with Sir Leon!" the guard cried out.

"What?!" Morgana roared. "How on earth did she – never mind I should have known how incompetent you lot are, I have been sneaking past you for the last year, well? Why are you still here? Go after her!"

"We already tried, Your Majesty," the guard wailed, "but she was too fast!"

Furiously Morgana lashed out with a lightening spell effectively killing the guard. "Morgana!" Morgause scolded her younger sister, "Stop killing off the help at this rate we will have to do our own cooking and guarding."

Meanwhile Elena managed to get to Arthur undetected, flirted with Gwaine (who ignored a rather angry Arthur), met Lancelot, Percival, and Gwen again, attempted to smooth things over between Merlin and Arthur (her favourite 'ship were on rocky roads now Merlin has been visiting some girl in a puddle), and helped lead an army against Morgana all before lunch had been served.

It totally helped being the fastest rider in all of the five kingdoms...and to accidentally trip over her hem, roll down a hill, and literally knock sense into her brooding husband who according to reliable sources (i.e. Merlin) had been totally useless before she arrived.

MMMMMMMMMM

"...therefore I will entrust the kingdom with someone I trust," Arthur finished.

Agravaine stepped forward with a proud and smug look on his face, his chest puffed out, and evil thoughts rushing through his mind as he would decide how to ruin Arthur's reputation amongst the commoners while his nephew was gone. Morgana's plan was going brilliantly so far and he could see nothing that could prevent her rise to the throne.

"Elena," Arthur said turning to his wife, "you will defend my kingdom and care for my people while I'm gone, won't you?"

Agravaine promptly deflated much to Merlin's amusement. Arthur had to send his snickering servant a sharp look while Elena flushed. "Yes, yes of course," she said rather pleased Arthur trusted her with the kingdom...usually he couldn't even trust her with a pillow. Not since she somehow rendered him unconscious with one last week.

"Your Highness," Agravaine protested, "surely it would be best for the kingdom if a man was left in charge?"

"Sexist pig," Merlin coughed.

"_Merlin_!" Arthur shouted at his manservant. "I am afraid uncle that there is no man I can trust fully. Gaius would be too busy with the victims, Geoffrey has disappeared in the depths of his library and has yet to be found, and I don't know any of the other lords on my council well enough."

"What about me?" Agravaine asked.

"Uncle, I barely know you," Arthur rolled his eyes, "I have not seen you since I was a child, and even then I cannot remember you well. The people of Camelot have no idea who you are either. It would be terribly unwise of me if I left you in charge wouldn't it?"

Arthur was totally unaware of his manservant mouthing the words 'thank you' to his wife, who in return beamed at him. Merlin had been increasingly uncomfortable around Agravaine in the last few weeks – especially after he had been goosed by the man! – and after being ignored by Arthur the tenth time he decided to ask Elena to have a few words.

It worked...much to Agravaine's annoyance.

MMMMMMMM

"So..."

"So...?"

"I heard about you and Merlin in the council room this morning."

"Elena! I swear to you, on my life, no my honour, on my father's grave, that it is not what they say it was! Merlin had tackled me! My trousers magically flew down! I'm pretty sure there's sorcerer attacking my wardrobe – _why are you laughing at me_?"

"Oh Arthur...hee...ha...well...teehee...sorry, but you see, I'm not angry with you or anything."

"You're not?"

"Of course not, I'm just a little disappointed."

"Elena..."

"I was hoping you were giving those stuffy lords a show of a lifetime."

"_Why?!"_

"Because I'm a yaoi shipper!"

MMMMMMMMM

Five years since Arthur had been King and finally he had an heir. It had been a long and terrible process as Morgana had tried to invade Camelot three times, seven hundred and forty six assassins had made an attempt on Arthur's life (or Elena, or Merlin), and when Elena's waters broke Gaius had to deliver the baby with Merlin's help since the last five midwives turned out to be working for Morgana...and the other sixteen had all been put off by Elena's cheerful attitude/clumsy ways.

But finally there was a son and the whole of Camelot can rejoice!

"Sir Mordred," Queen Elena said cheerfully, "Would you like to hold him?"

Mordred blinked in surprised and instantly felt honoured. "May I?" he carefully took the baby into his arms and felt instantly terrified that he might drop the baby on its head. They can't afford to have a stupid prince now, can they? He stared at the baby in awe taking in the olive complexion, the dark eyes, the tufts of brown hair, and...

..._hang on a minute!_

Carefully he shifted near to Elyan and then whispered, "Is it me or does this baby look an awful lot like Gwaine?" he hissed.


	97. Vanity Thy Name is Pendragon

**Summary: **Arthur falls in love with himself, Gwaine discovers the colour green, and Mordred is beginning to question his life choices.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Arthur, Arthur/Gwen, a little implied Gwen/Gwaine, Gwen/Merlin friendship (as always), a tiny bit Merthur, Morgana/Morgana, implied past Uther/Uther, but really it is mostly an Arthur/Arthur pairing.

It was after a particularly nasty brush with death that got Arthur thinking about his mortality rate and how he would like to be remembered.

"I wish there was a way to capture my appearance now," he sighed, "after all the people barely remember what my Father looks like now."

Merlin was sure this was exaggeration but decided to chip in with the discussion anyway. "They have his effigy to remind them," he pointed out.

"That stone statue over his coffin looks nothing like him," Arthur scoffed.

"I don't know," Merlin muttered, "I thought it was a good likeness of his heart of stone."

"What was that?"

"I said how about a portrait, sire?"

"What the hell is a portrait?"

"You don't know?" Merlin asked not even surprised how far stretched Arthur's ignorance and stupidity was. "Even I, the lowly peasant and servant, knows what a portrait is."

"Oh shut up and tell me what a portrait is!"

"I can't do both."

"_Merlin!_"

So in the end Merlin told Arthur all about portraits. Arthur, pulled in by the idea of his image preserved forever on a canvas and fascinated by something he never had heard before, had immediately decided to have one made for him and Gwen. This, of course, left Merlin with the difficulty of finding an artist and negotiating the pay on Arthur's behalf, by the end of the week he had managed to succeed and fully planned to spend the weekend in bed while Arthur was distracted by the artist.

Unfortunately there was a little obstacle in his quest for some sleep...named Gaius.

"And where have you been, young man?"

"Looking for an artist for Arthur's portrait."

Merlin had hoped that that would have been enough to satisfy Gaius and he could then go to sleep but sadly it was not.

"You were _what?_" Gaius exploded. "Merlin you cannot let Arthur have his portrait done!"

"Why not?" Merlin half wailed. He was very tired; he didn't want to be told off right now.

"Because of one of the Pendragon's curse," Gaius said sagely.

"One of them? As in there is more?"

"Uther pissed off a lot of magic users of course there's more than one curse," Gaius said looking at Merlin as if he was one of the most stupid people in the entirety of the world. "And this one is particularly dangerous...if Arthur sees his painted image he will become obsessed with it. Uther did when he had his portrait done, it wasn't until I – I mean an accidental fire destroyed all of his artwork that he came back into his senses."

"Yeah but that's Uther," Merlin shrugged, "Arthur isn't his father, I doubt he'll go nuts at the sight of his ugly mug on some paper."

"Don't say I didn't warn you, Merlin."

MMMMMMMMMMMM

You know when Merlin warns Arthur and the Knights about something, and they completely ignore him? And what happens? They almost die a horrible and gruesome death. Well when Merlin ignores Gaius the world almost ends. In all fairness Merlin only ever ignores Gaius' warnings when he is too tired or not incredulous and this time it was both...and once again Gaius had been correct.

"Good morning sun-_whoa_!" Merlin yelped interrupting his cheerful pleasantries. He looked round Arthur's chamber in horror. "What the hell happened here? It's as if you were hit by a cloning spell."

"I know," Arthur sighed dreamily, "don't I look gorgeous."

"Err...sure," Merlin mumbled as he stared in horror at all the portraits cluttering Arthur' bed chamber. There was one in his armour, one in his royal regalia, and one in every item of clothing that Merlin has cleaned, mended, and ironed over the years. "Apart from that one," Merlin nodded to a particularly hideous portrait that made Arthur look rather bloated. "Green is not your colour, but how did you get so many done so quickly? I thought the artist only just arrived last week."

"You're right," Arthur said ignoring Merlin's question, "green isn't my colour. I order you to remove every green item of clothing from my wardrobe and burn it."

It took Merlin three hours to do this task solely because there was about twenty portraits of Arthur that kept getting in the way. After tripping over them, being crushed by a couple, and then having a wrestle fight with one particular portrait blocking his way – it was gigantic and made Arthur's figuratively big head a reality – Merlin had succeeded in removing the only two green shirts, one green cloak, three pairs of green breeches, and majority of Arthur's underwear out of the wardrobe and left to start a bonfire.

On the way out of the castle he bumped into a half drunken Gwaine who couldn't believe Arthur was being such a rich prat about the clothes and asked if he could keep them instead. Unable to care what happened to clothes Arthur no longer wanted, Merlin gave Gwaine the green items (though he was a bit concerned that Gwaine wanted to wear second hand underwear, surely that wasn't hygienic).

For the rest of his life Gwaine will wear these green items of clothing and that is how he got his name Sir Gwaine the Green.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Merlin drew the line when the naked portraits started to appear. As did everyone else in the castle because despite what Arthur believed no one wanted to see his penis...apart from his wife. The people in Camelot in general was beginning to get fed up as well since it was their tax money paying for this and they didn't want to see his penis either.

Unfortunately the humongous portrait that covered the entirety of one wall by the stairs and Merlin couldn't quite look away as the giant Arthur was laying there in a provocative pose...nude.

"Admiring the view?" Gwen teased her best friend.

"Criticising the accuracy of it," Merlin said distastefully, "I know full well that Arthur's penis isn't _that_ big."

"Oh?"

Any other wife would have been offended or join in dissing her husband's ability to please her. Gwen on the other hand was not any other wife. She was a wife far too used to sharing her husband with her best friend and a woman who has spent far too much time with Sir Gwaine the Green. Therefore her little 'oh' was one of a dirty jeering that was worthy of said Sir Gwaine.

"I have to bathe him," Merlin explained tersely. "I really wish that I listened to Gaius when he warned me about this particular Pendragon curse."

"Is erectile dysfunction the other curse?"

"I would like to say yes but that is probably more due to all the drink he has every night."

"Damn!" Gwen cursed, it had been far too bloody long, "the people have been talking," she said nodding to the portrait, "they're beginning to wonder if Morgana should have been Queen instead. After all she isn't likely to be this vain."

"Are you kidding me?!" Merlin exploded. "All she has done in the last eight years or so is plot evil deeds while admiring her reflection!"

As if to prove Merlin's point, Mordred who had turned against the King in the name of the starving people will arrive at Morgana's castle to find it filled to the brim with portraits of her in similar poses...it of course led to the poor, sexually repressed boy to return back to the Druids instead...to be quite honest he wasn't sure why he left them in the first place.


	98. Reincarnation is a B

**Summary: **sort of sequel to Camelot's Rugby Club and Everyone Remembers, the reincarnated Knights, Arthur, and Gwen are relaxing at Merlin's when Merlin reveals something about Arthur.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Lancelot, one-sided Gwaine/Gwen/booze/apples, Arthur/Henry VIII, implied Morgana/Merlin if you squint, and the usual implication of Merthur but only if you squint.

It was another ordinary Saturday for Merlin and the reincarnated Knights of Camelot which of course meant Gwaine was spread out on the floor farting, Leon looked like he could kill Gwaine, Percival was trying to watch the football match with Elyan, Lancelot, and Arthur, while Gwen and Merlin were trying to clean up after their group of slobs.

"Come on guys," Merlin whined, "this is my home not your bedroom."

They ignored him, of course, and soon Merlin snapped and used his magic to destroy his television. He had enough assets to buy another one, and he might just buy a shit little screen one so he won't have smelly teenagers hogging it when he wants to catch up on his soaps.

"MERLIN!"

"Either help clean up or get lost," Merlin replied without batting an eyelid to the fury on all of his male friends' faces. "Those are the rules."

"Yes, _Mum_," Arthur sneered.

Sullenly the Knights and Arthur cleaned up the flat and cheered up immensely when Merlin brought out ice cream for dessert. It was when they were midway through their ice cream that Gwaine asked a question that had been on all of their minds, "Merlin?"

"Mmm?"

"Have we ever been reincarnated before?"

"Eh? Reincarnated before, what do you mean?"

"Well...is this really the only other life we've been living," Gwaine indicated around him with his spoon splattering ice cream all over Merlin's cream carpet..._chocolate ice cream_, as you can imagine Merlin's eye was definitely twitching as was his fingers in a restrained attempt to throttle the drunken sot. "Or has there been others? Were we around for the English Civil War or World War One or something?"

"Is war all what you think about?" Percival asked exasperated.

"I'm a knight," Gwaine waved his spoon proudly, Merlin had to be restrained by Lancelot and Gwen from killing his so called friend, "I was taught to think about war but I also think about apples, booze, myself, and Gwen's tits."

It was needless to say that Lancelot was restrained at that comment when it should have really been Gwen who slapped Gwaine.

After everyone calmed down and Gwaine was sent to clean up the mess he made on Merlin's beautiful carpet, Merlin decided to answer Gwaine's question.

"Shouldn't you remember if you had any other past lives?"

"Yeah, well we thought about that," Gwaine said as the others nodded around him, "and we wondered if we only ever remember the first life and our current one unless something important in the other lives happened, I mean last night I had this really weird dream about the Battle of Somme-"

"You mean our history exam we had to sit yesterday morning?" Merlin pointed out.

He was ignored, as always.

"And it just made me wonder if we had more goes at living than just the two," Gwaine carried on, "I thought you might have met us before."

"As far as I'm aware none of you have been reincarnated before apart from..." Merlin trailed off slyly and looked at Arthur from the corner of his eye.

"What?" Arthur asked, when Merlin didn't answer he demanded, "_What_? Goddaminit tell me, Merlin!"

"Well you were reincarnated once before this," Merlin said slowly, "and I didn't realise until it was too late..."

"I was? Why didn't I remember it? Who was I? Why didn't you recognise me? You were slacking off in your job weren't you, _Mer_lin?"

"No I wasn't!" Merlin snapped. "And if you must know I didn't realise it was you because you were a woman," the knights roared in hysterical laughter as Arthur flushed a bright red, "and you looked a great deal like Morgana," the knights laughed even more and Arthur looked like he might punch someone...preferably Merlin.

"It looks like karma got you back for all those times you called Merlin a girl, sire," Leon laughed.

"Who's the girl's petticoat now, Arthur?" Elyan jibed.

"Why don't I remember this?" Arthur asked.

He had quite reasonably decided to ignore his teasing knights but that may just be because he already planned to get his revenge on them.

"It was quite a traumatising time for you..." Merlin said weakly, "You...err...well you were married to a tyrant you had you beheaded after the third miscarriage."

"Who was I?!" Arthur shrieked.

"Well...Anne Boleyn, you were Anne Boleyn."

You could have heard a pin drop it was so silent. The Knights looked at Arthur in a half surprised, half gleeful amusement, while Gwen felt justice had been served a little, and Arthur was struggling to process this information.

"I...what..._how_?"

"It makes sense," Lancelot said thoughtfully, "after all her daughter was likened to Arthur often, and she had brought round the Golden Age that Arthur had been predicted to do."

"How do you know that?" Gwaine asked.

"Because I, unlike you, pay attention to history whenever there isn't a war being covered."

Arthur, however, smiled dreamily, "I am the father of the greatest Queen of England?" he asked.

"You're the mother of the greatest Queen of England," Percival corrected him.

"I fathered the Virgin Queen? That's every father's dream!"

Merlin decided this was the time to collect the bowels and wash them up. As Gwen and Lancelot helped the other Knights were chasing Arthur around the living room as he waxed poetry about his daughter, and they were trying to remind him that he was the mother, and had to have sex with a fat king. In fact Gwaine went as far as singing the divorce, beheaded, and died poem...with extra emphasis on the beheaded.

As Merlin turned on the tap, Gwen whirled round to face him with an accusing glare, "You were lying weren't you?"

"What?" Lancelot asked. "It was? How did you know?"

"Oh come on, the entire time Merlin was struggling not to laugh," Gwen snapped exasperated with her boyfriend's stupidity. Though quite frankly it wasn't at the level of all of her other friends and ex-husband's. "Also, Arthur's destiny is to be the Once and Future _King_, not the wife of some king who gets beheaded. It was so obvious."

Merlin's face broke into a gleeful grin. "Don't tell Arthur," he said, "let him work it out himself."

"When will that be?" Lancelot asked.

"Probably not for the rest of his life."

The three of them laughed and much to Gwen and Lancelot's amusement Merlin had been proved correct. When Arthur met the real Anne Boleyn in the afterlife, he instantly turned on Merlin, who found out that now Arthur completed his destiny it was his time to die as well, and chased him throughout the afterlife for a few centuries at which point he forgot why he was so angry with Merlin and made him polish his shoes.


	99. So Annoying

**Summary: **Merlin gives Excalibur a magical upgrade that backfires.

**Pairings: **One-sided Mordred/Morgana, Arthur/Gwen, Arthur/Excalibur, Excalibur/Excalibur, and a little Merthur.

**Author's Note: **this is a crossover with the anime/manga Soul Eater. All you need to know is Soul Eater is about Grim Reapers in training and their partners who can transform into weapons. Excalibur is a comic relief character in the series and of course I couldn't resist writing a crossover. Please continue reading, it is more focused on Merlin than Soul Eater.

"What is this?"

"I don't know."

"What do you know, Merlin?"

"Quite a lot actually."

"Could have fooled me."

"Look! All I did was...err...well...and...I'm not sure what Excalibur is anymore."

They both turned to look at Excalibur, who was now sitting at Arthur's table, sipping tea while they discussed the situation. After Mordred had become a Knight of Camelot, Merlin felt it was his duty to ensure Arthur received every possible defence and when he had read in a forbidden Dragon Lord journal in the vault (Arthur had forced him to catalogue everything there as punishment for being in the Tavern too often) that if a sword was furnished in Dragon's fire a second time it would become the most powerful defence as well offence in the world. So of course, after prying the damned thing out of a sleeping Arthur's hand, Merlin had raced off to visit The Great Dragon and get him to furnish Excalibur once more. However the side effect had turned the beautifully crafted sword into...well Merlin wasn't quite sure what it was but the pictures of a bird called penguins that was in one of Gaius' books was the closest description to it.

A pure white penguin wearing a top hat and carrying a cane.

"What did you do?!" Arthur hissed. "I swear to god Merlin if you do not give me a reasonable explanation I will have you executed!"

"It was supposed to make it an even better sword!"

"Baka!" Merlin fell onto Arthur as Excalibur smacked Merlin in the head with his cane. Merlin was pretty sure he got a concussion and not just because a sword beat him up but because the moment Arthur realised he was holding onto Merlin he dropped him on the cold, hard, stone floor. "I, Excalibur, do not need improvements. I am far superior to you mere mortal, just look at my glossy coat, the elegance of my nose, the graceful line of my forehead, and my perfectly small ears, I am the perfection of masculinity, unlike you – you big eared moron."

"I'm starting to like this upgrade," Arthur smirked.

"Oh you would," Merlin grumbled, "after all the saying goes the weapon reflects the bearer. And you always were an arrogant tosser."

"What was that?!"

"I said it looks like I need to clean this floor again," Merlin lied.

"Baka!" Merlin's concussion worsened as Excalibur whacked him in the head with his cane again. "This floor should have already been spotless so it would not defile the majesty of my feet or the feet of my valiant master, the once and future king, Arthur Pendragon."

"Yes, Merlin," Arthur grinned, "you shouldn't have bunked off to the Tavern instead of cleaning my floors."

"Baka!" Merlin was really getting sick of being beaten in the head by a white penguin in a top hat. No that was not the concussion talking. "The Once and Future King and his Weapon deserve the upmost best in service, because of your laziness, big ears, and moronic stupidity, I have no choice but to fire you. Be humbled that the Great Excalibur is the one firing you. Now leave."

"You heard the man- err bird – I mean sword," Arthur's confidence disappeared as he fumbled for the right word.

"What?! Arthur you cannot be serious!"

"Baka!"

Merlin was this close to turning that stupid penguin's cane into a bunch of flowers but the execution Arthur would put him through would hurt more than this damned concussion. "Merlin just go," Arthur said tiredly, a rare moment of clarity had him realised if Merlin was going to stay here arguing with him and his sword, Excalibur was going to eventually beat Merlin to death. Already there was a trickle of blood running down from the crack in Merlin's skull that went entirely unnoticed by his moron of a servant. "We'll deal with this later."

In the end obeying Arthur for once had been the best decision. Merlin got a week's holiday, resting in bed, spending time with Gwen (who was increasingly becoming resentful of Excalibur), having fun with Gwaine, and then going to bed without a worry in the world.

Unfortunately by the end of the week George had come begging to Merlin to go back to work because he could no longer deal 'with that annoyance'.

It should have been an omen that if Excalibur can even annoy George then no one else in the world was going to accept that irritating piece of metal.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Mordred had enough!

Ever since Excalibur received a personality, and not a very good one at that, Camelot had been suffering. The odd bird-sword hybrid creature would follow people around telling tales of how he defeated Morgana in an extreme exaggerated manner before bossing them about, and then hitting them with his cane. He was overly critical of everything and annoyed everyone to the point of homicide.

The only person who seemed to like him was Arthur. Not even the Queen could stand this infernal creature that obviously came from the pits of hell.

The final straw had been when Arthur listened to Excalibur about raising the taxes in order to buy a solid gold bath for the abomination.

In order to protect the people of Camelot from the King's latest bout of stupidity, Mordred decided to make an alliance with Morgana in order to have that infernal sword destroyed. As he grovelled at the insane woman's feet he couldn't help but wonder if he should have told someone – i.e. Emrys – his plan beforehand.

Morgana put her icy cold hand on the top of his head. "Well, well, well, it appears my surrogative son has learnt his lesson and wishes to return to my side," Morgana purred.

Mordred suppressed a shudder and a grimace. Morgana had not only creeped him out a little but it disturbed him that she thought of him as a son. After all there wasn't that much of an age gap between them, and when he had been twelve he had the biggest crush on Morgana, and had hoped to have married her. It was why he was sort of resentful towards Emrys when he was a child; he thought he had to fight him for Morgana's hand. Trust him though, after seeing Morgana turn completely bat shit crazy had turned him off for life. It didn't make the fact that she saw him as a son any less creepy though.

Before he had a chance to speak the door smashed open. "Traitor!" Excalibur cried out whacking Mordred over the head with his cane. "How dare you betray the great and wonderful Excalibur? I shall make you wish that a weak, personality-less, and pointless sword sliced through you instead of this magnificent blade that has not only slain immortal armies but been the destruction off-"

Mordred will be the first one to admit that at this point of Excalibur's excruciating speech he had completely tuned out. By the time he paid attention to his surroundings instead of wondering why the hell he didn't just incite a rebellion at the Tavern, most of Morgana's supporters had committed suicide while Morgana died of a brain aneurysm.

Weighing his choices Mordred decided that jumping out of the window and leading his own crusade against the evilness that was Excalibur was a much better option than being executed or worse having to listen to that damn bird-sword hybrid.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

"Arthur, we need to talk."

Arthur looked up to find himself surrounded by his Knights, wife, council, servants, and Merlin. Held tightly in between Percival's bulging biceps was a tied up and gagged Excalibur. Oh...this wasn't going to be good.

"What's up?" he asked trying to play it cool.

"I'll make it quite clear for you darling," Guinevere said sweetly, it was then when Arthur definitely knew this wouldn't be good, "get rid of Excalibur or we'll get rid of you."

With little choice, read no choice at all, Arthur allowed his subjects and wife lock up Excalibur. When he asked Merlin where his precious sword had been taken to, his so called best friend mumbled something about a fairy glade in the mountains behind a waterfall. Damnit! Everyone knew he couldn't go to a fairy glade after that terrible burning/turning into a donkey again incident.

Therefore, when Mordred raised a Saxon army against him, Arthur ended up completely slaughtered.

He totally blamed Merlin for this.

If Merlin didn't give Excalibur another upgrade none of this would ever have happened.

MMMMMMMMMMM

It was another boring day in London.

Merlin was enjoying his afternoon by reading a good spy novel while listening to show tunes when a knock on his door disturbing his peace. Curious, since he had no friends or anyone who cared enough to visit; he went to answer the door straight away. At first he thought it was one of those knock and dash things he heard about but when he was about to close the door a cane hit him in the face.

"Baka!" No, God no, please don't let it be him. "How dare you shut the door in the face of the great and mighty Excalibur?!"

It was him.

"How the hell did you get free?!" Merlin demanded to know. "After that incident in 1666 I added extra magical protection on your pris- err I mean hiding place, so, you know, no one but Arthur can find you."

"Baka!" Merlin can feel another concussion coming along. Good thing he was immortal or those would have killed him long ago. "As if a mere magical barrier could prevent me, the great and mighty Excalibur, from going anywhere as I please."

"And the truth?" Merlin gave Excalibur his sternest, Gaius-y look.

The best thing about Excalibur, the only good thing, is that he inherited a few of Arthur's traits, and like Merlin, Arthur had never been able to lie at Gaius when he was being his most sceptical and sternest.

"A couple kids from that Grim Reaper school let me free," Excalibur confessed sheepishly. "And now I need a place to stay, preferably with a king size bed, the highest quality coffee, and a wide-screen TV. Bow down to your superior and serve me, Warlock!"

Merlin cursed the whole lot in Nevada, the Death God, his son, his school, and especially the two morons who read Excalibur's book and decided to free the little pest. Honestly, whenever Arthur gets off his lazy arse and comes back, Merlin will have to deal with his whinging and Excalibur's attitude as it is, couldn't he have had these next few years (or centuries) to himself first?

"Baka!" Excalibur whacked Merlin once more with his cane. "Did you not hear me? I said bow down and serve me! I want a hot bath with lavender, a massage, and a good home cooked meal before you read me a bedtime story and tuck me into a king size bed with a thousand thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and big fluffy pillows, and then tomorrow I want you to wake me up with a-"

It was not animal cruelty! It was a necessary evil to ensure he could seek medical attention for his concussion and have a peaceful life in his wonderful flat, without having to be some penguin-sword hybrid's slave.

That and Merlin had had a burning desire to throw Excalibur out of a window magically since his second day with the horrible twit.


	100. Watching Merlin Part 5

**Summary: **Merlin and the gang finally get to watch series five.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Arthur, Morgana/Merlin, Morgana/Mordred, Morgana/all the Knights of Camelot, Gwen/Lancelot, Merthur, Arthur/Morgana, Gwen/Sarrum, Mordred/Kara, Gwaine/Everyone, and Merthur.

**Author's Note: **As promised the final part of the Watching Merlin series! I apologise for the wait but I thought it would make an awesome one hundredth chapter – and I can't believe this is now one hundred chapters long! Thank you all for the encouragement, lovely comments, and favourites. Please read, enjoy, and review!

After months of enjoying the modern world the young generation of knights, kings, queens, and magical people were disappointed when the fifth series of Merlin appeared. Only Gaius rejoiced. After all spending months with irritating, drunken, sex-addicted little bra- err he means those darling angels that are his ward and his friends.

Grumbling the young people settled down and allowed Gaius to put the DVD on. They did, however, instantly cheer up when they saw Gwen as Queen and the round table in the council chamber. Though the mood was slightly ruined when it turned out most of them were kidnapped by Morgana who was apparently looking for a key that will lead to Arthur's death.

"Stop glaring at me!" Morgana snapped. "It's not me who is doing this just my future, evil self that no longer exists."

"Why are we shirtless?" Gwaine asked, wisely deciding he should change the topic. "The mines can't be that hot."

"Isn't it obvious?" Morgana said sleekly. "You're not just my slaves, you're my sex slaves."

"MORGANA!"

"YES!" Gwaine cheered.

Both Arthur and Merlin was very displeased with this, Arthur because he would prefer to have his sister a chaste virgin, Merlin because he didn't like the idea of his girlfriend shagging other people. Morgana just simply smirked and Gwen rolled her eyes wondering why her female best friend was such a troublemaker.

When Sefa's true colours were shown, Gwen was disappointed because she thought the flustered maid would make a good match for Merlin, and the others were nowhere near surprised. "I spy, my little eye, this series' traitor." Gwaine muttered.

As the episode got darker there was little laughter or talk as Arthur was given a terrible insight on how he will die. Luckily Gwen discovered the traitor, but Arthur and Merlin getting captured by Mordred and everyone got a little worried that Arthur was going to die in the next episode.

Well...ok...not everyone. "Mordred has gotten incredibly fit," Morgana said appreciatively. "I'll do him in a minute."

"Morgana! The kid's twelve!"

"Not anymore," Morgana purred.

"He had a growth spurt that doesn't mean you can rape the guy!"

"Stop being childish, Arthur," Morgana snapped, "I highly doubt Mordred would be against it, and if he was I would drop it."

As the second episode started everyone was wary about Mordred, apart from Morgana who was drooling a little bit, and they all became worried when Merlin almost tumbled to his death on the icy cliffs but got a little frustrated when Merlin wasted time to break a bit of it off just to prevent Mordred from joining them.

Morgana's nightmare and Aithusa's state of health worried them all as well, and then Mordred rejoined Morgana.

"Well," Arthur said satisfied, "I think it's safe to say Mordred isn't interested in you."

Morgana nodded her agreement, "It appears I've become batshit crazy," she said.

"You only just noticed that?" Gwaine asked innocently. "I saw it straight away at the beginning of the third series."

Everyone agreed Gwaine deserved to have the black eye Morgana's shoe imprinted on him. There was surprise at how harsh Gwen was as Queen when she sentenced Sefa to death but everyone slumped in relief when she revealed that it was a trick to Gaius to get Sefa's father out in the open. Unfortunately it didn't work but fortunately Sefa, who had proven herself to be a sweetheart, was saved. They then all laughed at Merlin and Arthur's route into the castle, and couldn't help but make gay jokes about Percival and Gwaine. "Well," Gwaine tossed his hair, "I'm so beautiful even the manliest of mans wants me." Then the poor unconscious Gwaine on the screen got touched by the weird glowing creature. "ARGH!" Gwaine screamed clinging to Percival. "I'm too beautiful that even weird aliens want to rape me!"

"Why am I friends with you?" Percival sighed.

Merlin got knocked out, an all time first, and Mordred saved Arthur by suddenly backstabbing Morgana – literally. "Argh! That little brat!" Morgana screeched. "When I get my hands on him-"

"HANG ON DID YOU GUYS JUST ABANDONED MERLIN?!"

The Knights (apart from Lancelot and Elyan) and Arthur were suddenly under attack by Gwen who proved to have a really excellent arm when throwing pillows.

The episode ended with Mordred being knighted just after the key of all knowledge revealed that Arthur was his own bane.

"You know, the weird glowing alien is right," Gwaine said, "Your stupidity is so going to get you killed."

"Oh- just shut up Gwaine."

MMMMMMMMM

Everyone thought that the next episode started terribly, especially when Arthur got a horn that lets him see dead people and it was the anniversary of Uther's death, like they needed a moping Daddy's boy about to do something stupid in their already hectic lives. Mordred proved himself to be a kind considerate boy ("Or maybe he's just seeking out Arthur's weakness" Merlin muttered darkly, "Shut up Merlin!" Gwen surprisingly snapped) in his worry for Arthur, and much to the worry of Gwen, Elyan had apparently decided to mentor him ("That poor boy is going to end up corrupted!"). Then Arthur stupidly decided to use the horn and what Uther had to say about Arthur's decisions made everyone cringe.

"Arthur, mate, you shouldn't listen to that old geezer," Gwaine said comfortingly.

"Yeah, what does he know? He was murdered by his own daughter," Leon said, "No offense Morgana."

"None taken," Morgana shrugged, "Look Arthur, you can't let that arrogant, pigheaded, narrow-minded, hypocritical, moronic, pathetic excuse of a father get to you. You made some wonderful decisions for Camelot. Gwen is a fantastic Queen from what we've seen so far. Your band of moronic merry men have been good for the kingdom, and that round table looks far better than that boring one Uther used."

Arthur couldn't help but crack a grin. "Thanks Morgana," he said. He tried to smile when Uther told him that he did love him but he couldn't help but think there was something wrong about this.

Gaius decided privately he really needed to have another word with his friend about his parenting skills.

Suddenly all these weird stuff started to happen on the screen, the round table got attacked, weird noises and fires were going out, Percival got attacked ("And that doesn't put you off short sleeves?" "Nope." "You weird, brave, stupid man."), and then Gwen almost got murdered, when Gaius on the TV pointed out it might be Uther, the TV Arthur went into denial.

"Seriously, Arthur?!" Merlin exploded. "Did you just forget the two times Uther tried to sentence Gwen to death for witchcraft?!"

"Oh shut up, Merlin!"

"That's it," Gwen muttered to herself, "I want a divorce, or better yet just marry a man who isn't so stupid."

Lancelot who heard everything cheered up at that. Soon everyone cheered up at Merlin's pathetic poetry excuse and Merlin suffered great teasing about his future self's crying jag. A lot of gay jokes came out at the end of that episode. In the fourth episode there were a lot of admiring looks at Mithian and laughter at old Morgana, Morgana spent that episode sulking and glaring at the boys. There was very little to be said about that episode other than Arthur celebrating that Odin had dropped his grudge.

In the fifth episode Arthur got very offended by the Disir, Merlin was furious with them, and everyone agreed it was unfair to judge Arthur when he was struggling making the smallest reforms because of Uther let alone change everything entirely on the whole magic ban.

Merlin got even more infuriated with the Knights at the behaviour and Gaius agreed with him. "Honestly, you morons," Gaius shouted as he whacked each and every one of them over the head with a rolled up newspaper. "Have none of you ever learned that when you don't listen to Merlin about this stuff bad things happen?"

"W-we're sorry!" they all wailed.

Gaius smacked them again hoping it will help the lesson sink it. He doubted it. Those Knights were far too thick-headed for their own good. Arthur and Merlin especially actually.

"Man, Merlin," Gwaine said, "You're such a douche bag to Mordred."

"I am not!" Merlin protested.

"Actually, you are," Lancelot said, "I've never seen you so mean about someone like this before."

"I'm not being mean! I'm being cautious! It's being prophesised that Mordred will kill Arthur!"

"Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?" Gwen asked. "Because that's exactly what happened to Morgana. You listened to the Dragon and ended up pushing her on that path, and now you're going to do the exact same to Mordred."

"That doesn't make sense! If it's me that pushes Mordred to the dark side then why does he kill Arthur?"

"Because Arthur is the person you love most," Morgana said, "duh!"

There was a lot of spluttering that everyone ignored in favour of the episode. With Mordred close to death and Arthur making a bargain everyone thought this was the day magic gets brought back to Camelot like the Dragon had predicted in the very first episode. Then future Merlin ruined it all.

"It's official," Gwaine declared, "your future self is a dick Merlin."

"Oh come on!"

"No sadly, Merlin," Arthur said through gritted teeth, "Gwaine is correct."

"Did that hurt? Admitting that I'm right?"

"Oh, shut up!"

No one wanted to talk to Merlin after that – especially Morgana who decided to turn her attentions onto Percival (who kept blushing) – which left him to sit on his own and mutter darkly about the stupidity of his friends. Meanwhile his future self realised what had just happened when alive, happy, Mordred appeared on the screen, and ended up muttering darkly about his own stupidity as he watched Arthur finish practise with Mordred and suddenly pick Mordred up and hold him up in the air.

"What the hell, Arthur?!" virtually everyone, bar Gaius and Merlin, shouted. "Jeeze, the kid hasn't been twelve for years, Arthur," Gwaine added.

"Arthur I know you want children and all...but isn't that a little...insane?" Gwen asked hesitantly.

"Poor kid," Leon shook his head sadly, "he's going to get bullied for months because of that."

"And you said I had issues," Morgana smirked.

"Oh...Oh...Oh, shut up!" Arthur snapped.

"Creative."

Arthur ended up joining Merlin in the dark muttering side of the room while the others decided it was best to have a toilet break before they wet themselves laughing at Arthur's stupidity.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The next episode began sadly as Gwen and Elyan mourned their father. Everyone bowed their heads in remembrance of Tom, Arthur and Morgana felt rather guilty since it was their father that killed him – Morgana's guilt bordered onto anger. She hated that pathetic excuse of a king and father.

The mourning ended the moment Morgana kidnapped Gwen but Arthur's ire wasn't aimed at his sister. "Really? A snake!" he snarled at his cowering knights. "You're supposed to be the best in the kingdom and you get tricked easily by a snake!"

"Pathetic," Morgana agreed, "If it wasn't for Merlin you would all be dead."

"Thank you!" the exasperated Merlin cried out.

"Whatever," the Knights all grumbled.

This time it was Gwen to whack them all over the head with a rolled up newspaper. They all settled back down, the Knights were weeping silently to themselves, to watch the episode when Gwen was locked into a dungeon that was dripping and screaming. "So much for the hope you kidnapped me for a sleepover," Gwen sighed sadly, "your future self looks like she really needed a girly night."

"I don't think she's noticed," Morgana shrugged, "we already established I've gone batshit crazy in this."

"Girls," all the men muttered.

Apart from Gaius, Lancelot, and Merlin, because two of them are girls (according to Arthur) and the other one was an elderly man who couldn't care less. Everyone couldn't help but shudder at the nightmarish experience the Dark Tower promised though no one could take Gwen's hallucinations seriously.

"Really, Gwen?" Elyan burst out. "That's what terrifies you the most? Me laughing like some buffoon?"

Gwen just shrugged. "Mandrake root, again?" Merlin asked Morgana.

"Batshit crazy, no one said it meant originality," Morgana shrugged.

"Honestly Merlin!" Arthur cried out. "A good sense of smell? I despair of your lies."

"And I despair how easily you believe them," Merlin said sadly, "your stupidity astounds me."

"I-I-I-_Mer_lin!"

"How witty, milord."

"Hang on! What did that fairy say about one of us dying?!"

"I doubt she meant one of us are going to die..." ten minutes later a future Elyan lies dying in Gwen's arms. "Err... I stand corrected."

"I can't believe I'm the next one to die," Elyan said mournfully, "I had thought for sure Gwaine would be the next one with his drunken stupidity."

"Hey!"

"It's true," Leon said, "we had a bet on it."

"Men," Morgana and Gwen muttered.

"Knights," Merlin mumbled.

Everyone sat in silence for Elyan's funeral but the moment Gwen wakes up and gets her cloak on in the next scene everyone perks up. "That's not right," Arthur muttered to himself. "Something about this is off."

"Perhaps it's not really Gwen," Gwaine suggested, "maybe you failed to save her, and instead you brought Morgana into the castle in a magical disguise and you have now just had sexual intercourse with your really hot sister!"

"_**WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"**_

Gaius felt himself go deaf as Morgana, Arthur, Gwen, Merlin, and all the other Knights screamed abuse at Gwaine. Eventually they settled down in time to see Gwen embrace Morgana as they plotted to kill Arthur.

"It's official," Merlin moaned, "Camelot is doomed."

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

There was little to be said about the next episode. Arthur was too busy sulking because of Merlin's lack of belief in him when it came to fighting Gwen. The others were all ignoring Gwaine who was brooding how mean everyone is to him, Gaius decided it was best to pretend he didn't know any of them, and Morgana kept switching between smirking at her genius plan and drooling over Mordred. She really couldn't help it; he was far too good looking for his own good.

It wasn't until Merlin gets thrown into prison (again) that the silence is broken. "Oh thanks guys, never mind that I'm your friend and have never betrayed Arthur before in my life," Merlin sneered.

"Merlin," Leon sighed, "Gwen's the Queen, and we have no choice but-"

"There's always a choice," Merlin spat out. "And may I point out that when you all thought Gwen was a cheating harlot, no offense Gwen, you all turned your backs on her. Even her own brother. And yet when the accusation of, what would appear to you, a hysterical woman and you side with her and lock me up!"

"It's your own fault," Arthur said though he was patting Merlin on the back and glaring at his knights, "you shouldn't keep telling people really loudly how much you want to kill me."

Merlin just sniffed and turned his back at the Knights though he did lean in a little towards Arthur. At least someone was still his friend, even if it is that prat.

Everyone cheered up a little when Merlin made his epic escape and saved Arthur's life. "I can't help but wonder," Gwen mused to Morgana, "that Mordred might just be the only Knight with an ounce of intelligence."

"Hey!"

And on that note, they took a lunch break.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Lunch had been tense as Merlin wasn't talking to the Knights, no one was talking to Gwaine, Gwen felt uneasy in general, Gaius decided his best option for peace and quiet was to pretend no one else was around, and Morgana was too busy daydreaming about Mordred much to Merlin's and Arthur's irritation. Soon they settled down to watch the next episode which began epically until Merlin was shown to be washing Arthur's socks.

"YOU WASH MY CLOTHES IN THE KITCHEN SINK?! NO WONDER THEY ALWAYS SMELL OF MEAT PIE!"

"No, Arthur," Merlin said, "that's just yourself you're smelling."

"Did you just say that I smell?"

"Yes."

"How witty you are for a five year old."

"And yet, I'm still more mature than you are."

The others just rolled their eyes and allowed Leon to turn the volume up so they could actually hear the damn episode. It turned out that while Merlin got roped into helping some druids, Arthur was busy building an alliance with a insane warrior-leader that had once held Morgana captive, and Gwen was still plotting evil deeds with Morgana.

"Honestly Merlin how stupid are you?!"

"Arthur, for God sake Morgana's batshit craziness is nothing on the psychopathic-ness of this Sarrum guy!...Okay I take it back, Morgana is just as insane, but the Sarrum made her that way!"

"The Sarrum did what to my dragon baby!"

"Oooh Mama Merlin is on the rampage!"

"Shut up Gwaine!"

"Ewwwwww Gwen, I know you're desperate for a man after...well being married to Arthur and almost having an affair with Lancelot-"

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

"- but come on! You can so do better than that!" Gwaine continued as if Lancelot and Arthur had never spoken. "No matter how evil and manipulative you are, you deserve better."

"Gwaine," Gwen said trying to restrain herself from throttling the Knight, "my future evil self didn't mean a single flirtation. She was using him. She blatantly plans to kill him."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that babe."

Needless to say that Gwaine got a slap for that remark. Arthur on the other hand was glaring at the television. "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch, tortures my sister, flirts with my wife, would probably rape my manservant if he wasn't dying in the woods out of his own stupidity," he muttered darkly to himself.

Merlin scooted closer to Morgana. "You're brother is insane."

"It's a family trait," Morgana said sadly.

In the end the episode ended happily for Arthur but tragically for Merlin as he held another dying friend in his arms. "This series is really depressing," Leon muttered, "I hope the next episode will be more cheerful."

"One would hope."

In the end Leon's wish came true. Arthur found out about evil Gwen ("Wow, an all time first for you!" "Shut up Merlin!") and amusingly they had difficulty knocking her out and kidnapping her for the plan to un-brainwash her. Everyone was in stitches over Merlin's female impersonation. Everyone but Merlin that is. And Gwen and Arthur kept looking deeply into one another's eyes during Arthur's soppy speech, and ended up kissing one another once the episode ended much to everyone's disgust.

Then Gwaine kept rewinding the episode to watch Merlin in drag.

Everyone but Merlin really enjoyed re-watching that scene.

Merlin decided to give them all boils when he got his magic back.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The next episode had been uneventful to an extent. Apart from the shared appreciation that there was a magical person who was not destined to kill Arthur, was Merlin, or sheer evil, there was little said during the episode apart from Gwen's gasp when Merlin almost died, and Gwaine's outburst when seeing The Great Dragon.

"Is it just me or has the Dragon grown coral all over him?!"

"Just you," Merlin said flatly.

In the next episode everyone was tense. It was one thing for Arthur's death nearing, but another when a crazy girl that Mordred is in love with attacks him. Mordred's fury was understandable but if he had all the facts not entirely justified.

"Wow Merlin," Gwaine said, "for once it's wasn't your douche bag behaviour that sends Mordred into Morgana's arms."

"You make it sound like I constantly pushed him into Morgana."

"Oh I wish you did," Morgana purred.

"MORGANA!"

"You go, girl!" Gwaine offered his hand up for a high five. He was ignored. "Fine. Well you know what I meant Merlin. We all thought your behaviour would hurt Mordred's tender feelings and ergo he becomes a traitor but instead you turned out really decent towards him."

"Yeah, Mordred is a good kid," Merlin admitted sheepishly, "and perhaps we can change the future so when Mordred does kill him it will be an accident."

"Why am I still being killed in this future?" Arthur demanded to know.

"Because it was foretold, duh," Merlin rolled his eyes, "but if it's by accident then I have little to worry about."

"Oh thanks," Arthur muttered.

By the end of the episode Arthur has Mordred's love executed (though he did give her a chance) and Mordred ends up kneeling in front of Morgana and finally telling her who Emrys is.

"So it was Arthur that sends Mordred running into Morgana's arms."

"I didn't on purpose! I tried my best but that damn girl is nuts!"

"Don't worry," Morgana patted her brother's arm, "I will be there to smooth it over this time."

Arthur would have continued brooding but the sight of Merlin cheating during a rowdy gambling night snapped him out of it. "YOU FUCKING CHEATER!"

"EEK!"

Merlin hid behind Gwen which had enough effect on Arthur for him to not lunge at him, or throw something at him, but it didn't prevent Arthur from screaming at him. "YOU HAVE STOLEN FROM ME ALL THESE YEARS! I WANT MY MONEY BACK! NOW!"

"I can't give it back, I've already spent it all!"

"ON WHAT?!"

"Seeds for the village, new farming tools for the village, a new addition to Mother's house, new clothes for Mother, a new ploughing ox, a pig for Mother, a cow for Mother, a barn for Mother-"

Arthur deflated at that. "Damn," he muttered, "now I can never ask for the money back."

"You're a royal," Gwaine pointed out, "you don't need the money anyway."

"I lost about two hundred thousand gold coins to Merlin in the last three years. Lord knows how much I will lose to him in the next five or so."

"Then you have to stop gambling," Gwen said rather disgusted. At least Merlin put his winnings to good use. "Or if you cannot have an ounce of self control, just ban Merlin from these games."

"Good idea!" Arthur said cheerfully. "Merlin you're banned."

"Fine," Merlin shrugged, "You can serve your own wine, get back to your chambers drunk out of your mind on your own, and I can just take advantage that I clean your room and you leave money lying about everywhere."

"Bugger."

Everyone laughed but the sudden loss of Merlin's magic was sobering. The mood quickly became gloomier as Morgana invaded several places, Arthur was preparing for battle, and Merlin was still magic-less. Then Merlin decided to go on a dangerous mission to get his magic back which meant abandoning Arthur. So of course Arthur called Merlin a coward.

"You know I don't mean that, right?"

"Uhuh," Merlin muttered.

"I'm just disappointed you're leaving me when I need you most."

"Right, sure."

"_Mer_lin."

"_Art_hur."

"Idiot."

"Prat."

"Men," Gwen muttered. Of course it would take insults and virtually no talking at all for them to be friends again. "Incapable of discussing their feelings."

Everything got worse as Merlin got stuck in a cave and Arthur was surrounded without knowing it. Luckily Merlin discovered a new trick – sending dreams!

"That explains so many of my dreams," Arthur murmured.

"Oooh, does Arthur dream about Merlin?" Gwaine teased.

"NO! Merlin gives me dreams!" Arthur snapped.

"Err...Arthur, I don't even have that power yet..."

"Shut up, Merlin!"

The episode ended with the cave blockage being blown up and elderly Merlin stepping out. Merlin was too busy enjoying the moment his future self had with his father to notice. They hurriedly fast-forward the credits for the next episode. The first ten minutes had been epic, battles, lightening, dragons, and Merlin looking bad-ass for an elderly man. Then Mordred sort of pointed his sword at Arthur who then crumpled to the ground. The rest of the episode was a bit of a drag as it consisted of Merlin and Arthur on a quest to find a cure.

"That was very anti-climatic," Gwaine complained as Gaius tended to Arthur on the screen, "Five series of lying, almost confessing, near misses, and Arthur finds out about the magic like that. I'm disappointed."

"We all are," Leon reassured Gwaine.

"Guys I'm dying and all you care about is how anti-climatic the reveal was?"

"Yes."

"I hate you all."

While future Merlin and Arthur were rebuilding their relationship, future Gwaine and Percival took advantage of Morgana's spy giving the wrong information to kill Morgana. Unfortunately Gwaine ended up-

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Gwaine shrieked. "NOT ONLY YOU KILL ME BUT YOU RUIN MY MANLY BEAUTY WITH TORTURE AS WELL!"

"Err...sorry?" Morgana offered. "It won't happen this time round."

"Hmph! Perhaps you should make it up to me," Gwaine flirted.

Morgana enjoyed smacking him with a cushion. The others managed a chuckle but quite frankly Gwaine's death left them depressed. "Just you and me now," Leon said to Percival sadly. "And Gwen and Merlin of course."

"What am I? Chopped liver?" Gaius muttered.

Morgana eventually caught up with Arthur and Merlin and almost finished Arthur off when Merlin suddenly appeared out of nowhere and stabbed Morgana with Excalibur. "I'm getting you back for that," Morgana growled.

"Ooh, you're going to thrust your Excalibur into Merlin every night instead?"

"SHUT UP, GWAINE!"

In the end Merlin failed and as Arthur laid there dying he tried to tell Merlin something. "Come on, come on, tell him you love him!" everyone but Merlin and Arthur urged the television screen.

"Why would I tell Merlin I love him?"

"Why would he tell me he loves me?"

"BECAUSE OF THE SLASH SUBTEXT!"

Merlin and Arthur exchanged worried looks. "Our friends are weird," Merlin said wisely. "And why thank you? You said thank you to me before."

"I know," Arthur shrugged, "but I believe it's meant to be a thank you for everything."

"Oh!" Merlin's eyes widened. "Does this mean I get a hug?"

"No!"

"Oh come on!"

The series ended with it being the future world they were in now and elderly Merlin walk past the lake he buried pretty much everyone in.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I get offed by a fucking twelve year old but Merlin gets to be immortal, how the fuck is that fair?!" Arthur whined.

"This is so unfair!" Gwaine whined.

"Why me?!" Merlin wailed.

"Poor Merlin stuck as an old man waiting for Arthur to wake up," Morgana shook her head, "he'll be stuck there forever, Arthur's a lazy sod."

It was then when a portal opened for them to go home and with a look between them all, they resolved to change everything they had seen, and bravely took a step into the portal.

Okay Gwaine wailed, ran off somewhere, and then had to be dragged to the portal by Leon, but they did go back.

They were going to change everything.

MMMMMMMM

The person was grateful to be home once again.

It was difficult having to spend months away just so she could change what will happen in the past (and subsequently her favourite TV programme) but she thought it was well worth it.

Until she saw the mess in her living room.

And her electricity bill.

And the mess in the bedrooms.

And the sudden lack of food.

And then –

"Hello? Yes I'd like to be put through to the police...Hello, Police? I'd like to report a burglary. Yes someone fucking nicked my shower!"


	101. Turning Arthur On

**Summary: **a little modern drabble inspired by a conversation between Howard and Bernadette in The Big Bang Theory.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, and Merthur.

"Snowball!"

"Snowball!"

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, and Gwen and Arthur were out searching for a cat. That's right a cat. When their best friend Merlin had to go away for a work thing they had stupidly agreed to take in the evil thing. Arthur despised the cat since he was allergic and for some reason Snowball, the white fat furry monster, loves to sit on him, especially on his face when he's sleeping. Arthur was certain Merlin trained the monster to do it.

Anyway, Arthur left the door open because it was sunny, and the evil monster slipped out and has now disappeared.

Ordinarily this would be fine but Gwen took the monster home, and Snowball doesn't know her way round Arthur and Gwen's street. She could be lost. Or run over, or kidnapped – seriously there's been a large amount of cat-nappings recently. Then Merlin will stop being their friend and Arthur would lose his slave- err best mate.

"Snowball!"

"Perhaps she'll come if she thought we were Merlin," Gwen suggested.

"You'd think that work?" Arthur asked sceptically.

"Wouldn't hurt to try," Gwen shrugged.

"Snowball!" Arthur called out in a terrible Irish accent. "Snowball!"

"Snowball!" Gwen shouted in a perfect imitation of Merlin's voice. "SNOWBALL!"

"Wow," Arthur said impressed, "that was a really good impression."

Gwen preened a little at the compliment and continued the imitation. "Snowball!" she called in her Merlin voice. "Here kitty, kitty."

"Hey," Arthur said a little shyly, "think you could do that later tonight? It's kind of a turn on."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"The sound of your best friend's voice turns you on?"

Ah...when it's put like that, well, it made Arthur sound gay and in love with Merlin which he _wasn't_. It was just that there was something about Merlin's Irish accent coming out of Gwen's pretty petite body that really appealed to him.

"Erm...SNOWBALL!"

"I knew I should have listened to my mother," Gwen muttered to herself, "she always said Lancelot was the straighter option."


	102. JUSTICE!

**Summary: **Even when he is reincarnated Uther Pendragon remains the same but fortunately the world changes around him.

**Pairings: **None apart from Uther/Ygraine.

**Author's Note**: I want to dedicate this chapter to all you delightful readers that have helped this fic reach over a thousand reviews – I KNOW OVER ONE THOUSAND REVIEWS! – And I must warn you it is a little dark to begin with but it is Uther after all.

Uther Pendragon was enjoying his gorgeous mansion, his rich life, and all the luxuries that came with it. It was a lovely Saturday morning and after spending part of it in his office he planned to observe his two beautiful children enjoying themselves.

Morgana was lounging in the living room watching nonsensical American rubbish about a man seeking the future mother of his children (which he only allowed after he saw her smuggling DVDS of that terrible Charmed show which he was certain was unnatural), while Arthur was out in the garden practicing his fencing with that moron of a best friend of his.

Uther really didn't like that Martin, Marvin, whatever his name is. The boy was an idiot and a mental one at that. Every so often he called Uther, Your Majesty (not that he was complaining but still it was very weird), and kept staring at Uther with this mix of disgust, fear, and amusement (annoying brat needs to make his mind up), and he also said odd things about a large variety of things (if this nutter was to be believed then he knew Henry VIII), and finally very, very, very strange things kept happening since the child entered their lives. Things got broken, things exploded, people tried to kill them more often, people were claiming to see magical creatures, and Uther had married (and thankfully divorced, at least he thought he had) the most hideous woman in the world that farted something terrible.

Oh well, the boy (whatever his name was) did keep Arthur and Morgana entertained and that meant Uther can spend the majority of his Saturday doing what he loved to do more than anything – Witch Hunting.

People would think it was some sort of medieval hobby but they didn't know what he knew – that magic was real and it was evil. Very evil. It killed his wife.

His beloved Ygraine had gotten involved with the wrong crowd. She kept reassuring him that it was good for the soul, that she felt cleansed, that they were all good people, but quite frankly he knew what they really were and the moment she died in childbirth (having refused any modern day medicine to help her), he knew it was their fault. They used some sort of magic to kill her and he had to avenge her. He was determined to cleanse the world from them just as they cleansed Ygraine of her life.

He slipped down into the wine cellar quietly, it doubled into his own torture chamber/execution room. No one was to go in but him, of course.

There tied up, gagged, and very tormented, was a druid whose name escapes Uther (not that it mattered they would be dead soon). Unable to do more with the children in the house, it was not like he could play music to hide the sound, he hated music ever since he had a dream that a witch tried to kill him and Arthur with it, Uther decided to put the despicable creature out of his misery.

He lifted an axe up and was about to bring it down when the door suddenly slammed open and the light blinded him.

"FREEZE! POLICE!"

"What the hell?!" Uther shouted. "How dare you invade my home?! Do you have any idea who I am?"

"Of course we do," said a man dressed in uniform, "Uther Pendragon, wanted for murder, torture, and several accounts of discrimination."

"I have done nothing wrong."

"Dude!" One officer said, "You're holding an axe above an innocent person's head, who is tired up, gagged, and obviously been tortured."

"_And?"_

He was almost certain that several of the police officers had face palmed at this point. "_And_," the officer said exasperated, "that is a sure thing that you're guilty."

"I can reassure you," Uther said calmly putting the axe down, "that this is no innocent person. This person is a sorcerer!"

"Oh dear God!"

"Dude, there's no such thing as magic."

"Yes there is!" Uther insisted firmly, no majestically, "they celebrate silly holidays like Beltane, they believe in the Goddess, they cast magic, with crystals, cards, and candles!"

"That's paganism!" the police officer yelled.

"Magic," Uther retorted.

"Paganism!"

"Magic!"

"Paganism!"

"Magic!"

"Paganism!"

"Magic!"

"Paga-"

"Smith!" One of the other officers barked. "Just handcuff the psycho and drag him out before he picks the fucking axe up again!"

As those buffoons dragged him out of the cellar his son and daughter, and their idiotic friend, ran to his aid. "Dad!" Arthur cried out worriedly. "What happened?"

"Don't worry kid," the irritating officer that insisted sorcerers were good ruffled Arthur's hair. "We'll get you sorted."

"You won't get away with this," Uther informed the police, "I am _Uther Pendragon_, and my word is law."

In the background, Martin, or whatever was the boy's name face palmed and Uther would swear on his life he heard the moron mutter, "Dear Lord, nothing ever changes does it?"


	103. Through the Wardrobe

**Summary: **Arthur, Merlin, Gwen, and Morgana end up in a magical land via the wardrobe. Set early series 1 (I think it's the first chapter I've done that is) therefore stars Good! Morgana.

**Pairings: **One-sided Gwen/Merlin, some Merthur, and implied Arthur/Morgana/Merlin/Gwen.

**Author's Note: **heavily inspired by the Things That Merlin Isn't Allowed To Do by Itar94, an all-time favourite that I really recommend.

It started when Gwen found Merlin hiding in the wardrobe. Aside from a shrill shriek and dropping all of Morgana's freshly laundered night dresses, she took it very well. "Merlin!" She cried out. "What are you doing in here?"

"Hiding."

"Hiding from _what_?"

"Prince Prat," Merlin whispered, "he's a _nightmare_ Gwen. Not only does he have me doing all the servant-y stuff but he's having me do weird stuff as well."

"Like what?" Gwen asked sitting down beside Merlin.

"Like dressing him, and bathing him, and tucking him into bed."

"Merlin that _is _normal servant-y stuff!" Gwen said exasperated. Merlin was incredibly new at the whole servant thing and has often made a bit of a mess of it in the last week. Gwen, having declared herself Merlin's new best friend, had been trying to teach him but…well Merlin was a crap student. "We're expected to help them dress, bathe, and get into bed."

"_What the hell is wrong with these royals?!_"

Gwen shrugged, she really didn't know the answer to that one, and she did sort of agree with Merlin. After all she didn't know what is was about dressing themselves they found so difficult and she heard Uther was a lot worse having servants actually feed him as well, it makes working for Arthur and Morgana (perhaps two of the most demanding and selfish people in the world) look like a piece of cake.

"_**MER**_**LIN**!"

"Quick!" Merlin hissed. "Hide!"

Before Gwen could protest, Merlin pushed her back into the wardrobe and shut the doors on them, cloaking them in darkness. It was then when she blushed a horribly bright red as she realised that she was in a dark, tight, space with the most adorable, cute, funny boy she has ever known. Privately she hoped that he would cop a feel.

Unfortunately he didn't.

"_MER_LIN!" Arthur barked. "Where is that useless servant?"

"Arthur!" Morgana snapped, Gwen clutched her face at this point and kept muttering over and over again how much trouble she's going to be in, "Why on earth are you making so much racquet?"

"My servant has gone missing," Arthur snarled. "Have you seen him?"

"No," Morgana said with a tone that suggested that she was incredibly unimpressed with his tone, "but mine has also gone missing, perhaps they have _skived together_?" Gwen blushed even more deeply at the suggestive tone there. Oh how she wished….but Merlin seemed oblivious to her. "Hang on, are those my night dresses?"

Gwen curled up even more hoping that Morgana or Arthur won't open the wardrobe, oh it would be so difficult to explain! How could she without making everyone think she was some sort of slut? It took about another minute, a long, dreadful minute, but the sound of footsteps suggested that Morgana was actually leaving the room when Merlin suddenly sneezed.

"Aha!" Arthur pounced and opened the wardrobe door, the light blinded Gwen, "Found you! Merlin, what the hell are you doing in the wardrobe with a girl?"

"Not that!" Merlin blushed.

"Oh?" Arthur raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Gwen almost died right there and then but before anything else could be done, Arthur carried on. "I don't care what you do with girls in your own time, Merlin, but on my time you're supposed to be polishing my sword, darning my socks, and cleaning my chambers, before you fetch my dinner. Go on, get to!" he shoved Merlin so roughly that Merlin rolled backwards and….well disappeared.

"Merlin!" Gwen shrieked.

She immediately crawled after him. Merlin was an adorable innocent, he could be concussed somewhere in the dark depths of this wardrobe! She had to rescue him! "Gwen!" Morgana cried out worriedly.

"Morgana!"

There was a lot of scuffling about, a tree branch suddenly hit Arthur in the face (which Merlin will later describe smugly as "Justice!" to Gwen over a pie), and they suddenly all tumble out into a magical snow-land.

"Oh my word!" Gwen gasped.

"What sorcery is this?" Arthur gaped.

"Is this where all my clothes keep disappearing to?!" Morgana shrieked.

A snowball suddenly smashed into Arthur's face. "Snowball fight!" Merlin cried out gleefully.

"Oh it's on!"

They had a fantastic fun time where they all ganged up on one another at each point, shrieking and squealing (though Arthur will claim he sounded very manly at the time). At one hilarious point Arthur had pinned Merlin to the ground and smashed the poor boys face into the snow, smothering him, Gwen suddenly found a new desire awakening inside her at that point and one look at Morgana confirmed it wasn't just her.

"Man on man is hot," she murmured.

Their fun was abruptly interrupted when a cute beaver appeared out of nowhere, and then, oh my god, it spoke! "Ah! The sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve!"

Arthur screamed and clutched Merlin, who yelped in surprise, Gwen jumped, and Morgana just glanced at Arthur with a smirk, she was so obviously going to tease him about this later. "You- you can talk?" Gwen gasped.

"Yes," the beaver said, "and so can you, Daughter of Eve."

"Err…Daughter of Eve?"

"That's what you are," the beaver said impatiently, "one of the two of the daughters of Eve, and your idiotic friends over there are the sons of Adam, and it is your destiny to save Narnia from the White Queen."

"Did that beaver just call me an idiot?" Arthur demanded to know.

"Yes, he's a good judge of character."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin."

"And then," the beaver continued as if Arthur and Merlin had never spoken, "you will rule, the four of you, as our kings and queens."

"What?" Morgana grimaced. "As in, _together_."

"Yes," the beaver said.

"Ew!" Arthur cried out, "They're like my sisters to me!"

"_So_?" the beaver asked. "The last kings and queens of Narnia were brothers and sisters."

"Let's get out of here!" Arthur decided quickly, and they all agreed, and followed him in a mad dash back to the wardrobe.

"Wait!" the beaver cried out. "You have a destiny to fulfil!"

"No need," Merlin called back over his shoulder, "we have another destiny to work on!"

After some stumbling, falling about, and Merlin purposely shoving Arthur, they then fell out of the wardrobe and landed in a puddle of limbs.

"Urgh! Arthur do us a favour and lose a couple pounds!" Morgana moaned between Merlin's back and Gwen's chest.

"_Hem, hem_," Uther coughed, they all leaped up, bright red, and humiliated. "Arthur, Morgana, I thought we agreed that you were never to play hide and seek in the wardrobes ever again, and play with _servants_, of all people! As punishment I will rescind your privilege to…erm…ah…Gaius! Make up a privilege for me to confiscate as punishment!"


	104. Conspiracy Theory

**Summary: **Sort of sequel to Camelot's Gossip Magazine. Arthur has doubts which leads to a discussion about Gwen's house.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, implied Gwen/Lancelot, and the usual Merthur subtext.

It was a normal day in Camelot, and therefore Merlin had already foiled two assassin plans which was why he was late delivering the Prat's breakfast, when Merlin discovered something incredibly shocking after he polished all of Arthur's shoes.

"Are you _reading_?!" He shouted.

"Shut up, _Mer_lin," Arthur's voice said behind the magazine, "I'm learning about the enemy."

It is then that Merlin realised that Arthur was reading Camelot's Gossip Magazine's latest issue. A sight he hoped never to see after that forty eight hour, non-stop, reading session when he first tried to hunt down the writers of that rag (Arthur's words not Merlin's). "Oh God," Merlin moaned, "I hoped you have given up on that."

"Pendragons never quit," Arthur sniffed.

"Yeah," Merlin snorted, "tell that to your diet."

"I AM NOT FAT!"

Merlin clutched his ears in agony, he was fairly sure the whole castle had just been deafened by Arthur's shrill voice. "So have you found anything?" he managed to choke out as she struggled with his pain.

"Only that you're no longer pregnant," Arthur said.

"I was never pregnant to begin with!"

"Really? Because in here it said that Gwen caused your miscarriage, and you were ill last week."

Illness was his new excuse. Bored of the Tavern crap that Gaius had made up, and the problems it caused, Merlin managed to create a clone that stayed in his bed motionlessly whenever he was running about saving Camelot. Gaius would make up an illness of Merlin's behalf, and people believed it hook, line, and sinker. Unfortunately Gaius really needed to work on his creative excuses because apparently last week Merlin had recovered from the plague and quite frankly no one believed it.

"So when did we last have sex?" Merlin retorted pointedly.

"Didn't say it was my baby, did I?" Arthur snapped back. "I don't know what you do in your free time."

"What free time?" Merlin bemoaned. "Anyway, I thought you knew better than to believe that rubbish – after all this is the same writer that declared you to be sleeping with Morgana a few years ago."

They simultaneously shuddered at the thought, Arthur because Morgana is his sister and he hated the reminder that he had flirted with her when he was an awkward teenager, and Merlin because Morgana has become bat shit crazy and lost everything that had made her beautiful to him when he had first seen her.

"All right, most of it is rubbish," Arthur agreed, "but they have brought up a valid point in this new article."

"What valid point?"

"Merlin…." Arthur said hesitatingly, and Merlin paused in his attempt to clean Arthur's room, it was going to be one of those rare moments were Arthur actually acted like a human being instead of a prat. "What happened to Gwen's house after she married me?"

Eh?

"I don't know," Merlin shrugged, "ask her."

"I can't," Arthur mumbled, "she'll think I don't trust her." _Oh God_, where is this heading towards? "Merlin," Arthur suddenly said loudly, "is Gwen renting her house to a man called Lotlance?"

"Don't you mean Lancelot?" Merlin scrunched up his nose.

"I knew it! _I knew it_!" Arthur bellowed. "She's cheating on me with Lancelot! She's keeping him in her house under a fake name, and sneaking down to see him whenever she can!"

"_What?_!" Merlin gawked at Arthur disbelievingly. "Arthur, Lancelot is dead, _deader_ than dead, I burnt his body."

"You did?" Arthur suddenly pulled Merlin in a bone crushing hug. "You're the best friend ever ensuring my rival doesn't come back from the dead!"

"I didn't do it for _you!_" Merlin snapped disgusted. "It was a proper send off for a dear friend, and Gwen wouldn't cheat on you…again, and I'm fairly certain her house has been given to her maid…." A thought suddenly struck Merlin. "However…"

"However, what? _However, what, Mer_lin?!"

"Her house…changed!" Merlin managed to choke out.

"_What?_!"

"Before when her father was alive it was huge for a poor person's home. There was two bedrooms and a shared area right next to the blacksmith! And then, all of a sudden, she's in a near tiny, one room for all, plus storage space hut! _What happened_? Did Uther force her out of her home? Did Morgana cast a spell to shrink her house as punishment? Or does the walls magically move on their own?"

Arthur and Merlin sat there in deep thought. "It can't be my father," Arthur declared after a few minutes of silence. "He's not that mean."

Merlin snorted but refrained from saying anything. "So magic transformed her house?" he wondered what spell would cause that and if he could cast it on Arthur's chambers, shrink it so there was less to clean.

"Could be…or maybe, just maybe, Gwen moved house!"

"No I distinctly remember the walk being the same," Merlin shook his head.

"Hmm…"

"Hmm…"

"Someone could have robbed half her house!"

"Or maybe she knocked the walls down, so you know, she didn't have to clean a big house after doing Morgana's laundry?"

"Or maybe the new blacksmith knocked it down to expand the business?"

"Or maybe there's a cloaking device on half of the house and she's running a brothel!"

"_**MER**_LIN!"

"What?"

"Don't accuse my wife, and your Queen, of such lewd activities!"

"Well if that's your attitude then I can see why the royal cradle is still empty, _sire_."

Outside, listening to her husband and best friend have a sudden pillow fight (her husband whinging that Merlin had no right to fight back), Gwen face palmed. _Honestly_ the stupidity of her boys. Of course Merlin forgot that she moved to the house next to her old one, and of course Arthur forgot the petitioners meeting where his father granted the new blacksmith the right to chuck her out of her childhood home.

The only question is, how did the magazine owners know that she was renting her old home to a middle-aged, balding man called Lotlance?


	105. The Terrible Truth

**Summary: **Modern reincarnation chapter. Arthur asks some awkward questions about Merlin's life in between his own lives and doesn't like the answers he receives.

**Pairings: **mentions of Merthur and Merlin/Others.

It was a typical Saturday afternoon for Merlin and his reincarnated, teenage brat, of a King. Which of course meant they were sitting on the sofa, watching crap on TV, eating junk food, while Merlin was basically acting like Arthur's slave.

For instance right now Merlin was giving Arthur a foot massage, yes a _foot massage_, he was rather certain he had never done that over thousand years ago.

"Merlin?"

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering…"

"Oh dear God, for the last time Arthur just because you were a king in the past life doesn't mean you can have a beer, you're _seventeen_!"

"Not _that,_" Arthur scowled, "though as my servant you are expected to give me whatever I ask."

Merlin snorted. "When have I ever done so before?" Arthur grumbled and muttered a few choice words under his breath. "Hey, you were the one that told me to never change!"

"Oh _that_ you obey," Arthur rolled his eyes, "what I wanted to ask….have you, erm, well you're really, really, really old now and I was wondering…"

"Just spit it out!" Merlin snapped irritated.

"Haveyoueverbeeninlove?"

"Pardon?"

"You heard me."

Merlin couldn't help but chuckle under Arthur's glare. "You're such a kid," he teased. The 'shut up, _Mer_lin' look was definitely there. "Of course I have, you don't live as long as I have without falling for a person or two."

"Person?"

"You also don't live as long as I have without experimenting a bit."

"Experimenting?" Arthur scrunched his nose up in disgust. "You don't mean…well barn animals, do you?"

"_No_!" Merlin snapped revolted. "I just meant girls _and_ blokes."

"Oh…OH!" Arthur blinked at him and Merlin wondered how he could let Arthur down gently. It wasn't that he wasn't a little interested but…well it's complicated. "So have you…have you had your own children?"

"Oh yeah," Merlin said oblivious to Arthur's face as he focused on Arthur's second foot. "A good few dozen. My youngest died in World War Two."

"That must have been difficult," Arthur muttered.

"Yeah," Merlin said sadly, "but I still have my descendants."

"Really?"

"Yeah I'm in contact with them all the time. Make sure they're financially secure and safe, etc. etc. etc." Merlin waved a hand before he returned it (due to the ordering glare of Arthur) to Arthur's foot. "I have plenty of family around."

"Who are they?"

"Well, some are Smiths like Gwen's family, some are Greens like Gwaine's family, and some are Pendra-"

"NO!" Arthur screamed. "YOU _**CANNOT**_ BE MY GREAT GREAT GREAT WHATEVER GRANDFATHER!"

"Well, how did you think you came in the world?" Merlin rolled his eyes. "You needed a blood link to your past life…and well….you didn't leave an heir, and neither did Morgana. It had to come from me."

"Urgh!" Arthur leaped away from Merlin, having kicked him in the face accidentally, "Ew! You were making a pass at me and you're _my grandfather_!"

"_What?_!"

"Stay away from me, you pedo!" Arthur shouted as he scrambled for his shoes. "If you think we're ever doing that again, you have another thing coming!"

Merlin felt like banging his head against the wall, seriously? Arthur thought he wanted….Arthur thought they were doing what?!

Oh dear lord it's bad enough he has to prepare a _teenager_ to be the Once and Future King (_again_, he might add) but now he has to give him the _sex talk_.

Urgh, destiny is such a bitch. And he should know, she was his wife in the nineteenth century and the mother to five of his many children.


	106. Merlin's Boobs

**Summary: **inspired by The Big Bang Theory where Raj and Howard…really didn't help themselves (ep 7x02). Merlin thinks his grown breasts and Arthur takes complete advantage of him.

**Pairings: **Merthur and a bit of Arthur/Gwen.

It was something so noticeable that Merlin couldn't deny it when confronted…he was turning into a girl.

According to Gaius it was the prescription cream for his mother's back that was doing it. It contained a lot of oestrogen, and Merlin, being an idiot and not wearing gloves while applying it on her back, had absorbed it into his skin. Over the last few weeks, he had been moody, bloated, and suddenly connecting with Gwen and Morgana a lot better than he had done so before.

Arthur hasn't stopped laughing since.

"Shut up!" Merlin barked. "It's not that funny. I feel like complete crap, not only have I gained far too much weight-"

"I know," Arthur interrupted with an eye roll, "I can actually _see_ you now."

"And I think my boobs have gotten bigger," Merlin finished as if Arthur never said anything. A rarity because usually it's the other way round.

"What?" Arthur laughed. "_Really_?"

"Yeah," Merlin groaned as he did a weird jiggle, "See?"

"Not really," Arthur smirked, he wondered how far he could push Merlin in making a fool of himself, "Take your top off and let me have a closer look."

Merlin did so and continued to jiggle. "How about now?" he panted, face flushed, and looking like a complete moron.

"Hmm…still can't see it," Arthur shook his head.

Merlin grabbed his chest and made an odd circular motion. "_See_?" He insisted. "They're at _least_ a cup size bigger than before!"

"I might if I felt them," Arthur said as reached out and grabbed hold of the right one. Merlin let out a shrill squeak. "What was that?" Arthur laughed again.

"Your hand is _cold_!" Merlin snapped. "And my nipples are really sensitive right now."

"Oh sorry," Arthur rubbed his hands together in an attempt to warm them up before putting them both back on Merlin's chest. "Better?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm…"

"Ngh! _Arthur_!"

As Arthur was completely distracted with molesting Merlin, his wife walked into the living room only to see her husband groping her best friend, "Yep," she muttered to herself as she walked right back out. "That sounds about right."


	107. Messy Bedrooms

**Summary: **Merlin and Arthur fight over how messy their bedrooms have been.

**Pairings: **Merthur!

"_Mer_lin," Arthur called out, "come here."

Merlin walked slowly towards his bedroom door. _Shit, shit, shit,_ he thought desperately terrified, _why didn't I put that book back in its hiding place? Why did I have to be so fucking stupid?! Gaius is so going to kill me, you know after Uther has me burnt on the stake. _

When he finally walked into his bedroom, bracing himself for Arthur to slam him against the door and shackle him in chains, Arthur was playing with his bedroom cupboard door.

"Look what I have found," Arthur sneered, "it's called a _cupboard_. You can put things in it."

"Very good, _sire_," Merlin said patronisingly, "do you wish me to show you how to use it?"

Arthur spluttered indignantly. "Excuse me? Have you seen the state of your room, or are you just as blind as your stupid?"

"Oh I know how messy it is," Merlin said kicking the book under his bed, along with his underwear – if Arthur knew he had red hearts stitched onto them (his mother did it to show her love) then he would never hear the end of it – "but I'm not the _prince_ who needs to keep a high standard for when I entertain the King and other, oh so highly important guests, privately."

"That's what I have _you_ for," Arthur pointed out, "and you've been failing in that regard for the last few days."

"Hmm, sorry about that, the next time half your kingdom drops dead of a plague I'll tell your father I'm too busy cleaning your chambers to fulfil my duty as Gaius' assistant."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin. And learn to use the cupboard!"

"Take your own advice!" Merlin retorted.

This of course, inevitably, ended with a wrestling match when Arthur shoved Merlin, and Merlin stumbled back, grabbed hold of Arthur, and they landed on Merlin's bed fighting.

Unfortunately one of the knights walked in to see what was taking the prince so long.

"_Oh_!" the bald, middle-aged man that should have probably seen worse than this before blushed. "I'll just tell the king you're busy."


	108. The First Code

**Summary: **Arthur isn't too keen on the idea of Lancelot and Merlin working together.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Merlin/Lancelot, one-sided Gwen/Merlin, and Gwen/Lancelot.

"You can start by cleaning out the stables."

Lancelot looked the tiniest bit disappointed about having to do manual labour instead of epic sword training and other knightly duties but he nodded subserviently to the prince. Merlin on the other hand was simply jubilant and started to dance excitedly. He even pulled an embarrassed Gwen into a weird waltz/jig as he shouted to the heavens;

"YES! I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT!"

"You can help, Merlin." Arthur quickly deadpanned, unimpressed with his manservant's behaviour.

After all mucking out the royal stables is an incredible, rare, and envious privilege amongst all the common people of Camelot. At least that's what Arthur thinks since his horse obviously shits gold in his eyes.

Ah Rainbow Sugar-lumps is the prettiest horse in all of Camelot….err he means Butch is the coolest warhorse in all of Camelot! Yeah, obviously.

"That's all right," Merlin cooed taking Lancelot's hands into his, "Lancelot and I can have the best fun together because we're the best friends in the whole world, right Lancelot?"

A muscle in Arthur's face twitched causing all of the knights on the training ground to take about five dozen steps away from him. _Merlin wasn't supposed to be __**enjoying**__ himself, he was supposed to be _punished, Arthur had decided angrily, _punished for spending far too much time with this __**Lance-a-lot**__ instead of cleaning my socks._

He grabbed Merlin by the back of his neckerchief. "On second thoughts you can come with me," he snapped as he dragged the pale and rather distraught Merlin towards the castle. "You can draw my bath, help scrub my back, and then dress me for lunch with Father."

Gwen sighed sadly as she knew it was time to bury her crush on her sweet friend – it was so obvious he was gay – but before she turned to return to her duties, she catches the adoring look Lancelot bestowed upon her, and decided it didn't matter if Merlin was gay or not, after all it was obvious that _Lancelot _wasn't.

The other knights, however, decided to change the first code – to be a knight, don't touch Arthur's manservant.


	109. Origins of the Poetry Excuse

**Summary: **A little what if drabble, what if Arthur found Merlin's spell book in 1x03?

**Pairings: **Merthur (duh)!

"Merlin," Arthur said grimly as he strode out of the room, a book in hand, "what is this?"

Gaius and Merlin exchanged horrified expressions. They had hoped that Arthur wouldn't find the book of spells since Merlin had safely hidden it under the loose floorboard beneath his bed….oh wait! _No_! He had been reading it late into the night last night in hopes of finding a cure! He fell asleep with it on his face and it must have slid off onto the floor, and since he had no time to clean his bedroom (translation: he's a lazy fucker when he is off duty) it was still out in the open when Arthur came to search for magical clues.

"Erm…well…ah…you see…"

"Yes?" Arthur raised an eyebrow.

Merlin knew that look, it was Arthur's (and Gaius' when he thought about it) newly patented Merlin stop babbling like a moron look and swallowed, and bristled a little, but his terror got the better of him so instead of coming up with a clever idea he blurted out;

"It's a book of poetry!"

"_Oh dear God_!" Gaius groaned.

Arthur stared at Merlin disbelievingly before he flicked through the book. The pretty Celtic and Latin words were beautifully written in swirly writing, some were in gold ink, some with bright jewelled colours. It was obviously written with painstakingly care and devotion that often made Merlin wonder why someone would bother. Half the spells didn't even work.

"Really, _Mer_lin?" Arthur said. "Because none of this makes sense, it's all babbling nonsense."

"Well, of course," Merlin agreed, "I wrote it."

"Oh that makes _so_ much more sense," Arthur said as a reflex. Putting Merlin down seemed to be subconscious habit of Arthur's now, prat. "Hang on," he said as his brain, which was rarely used from what Merlin had observed, kicked in, "this looks like it's a different language, and it's not your handwriting."

"It's my best handwriting," Merlin said primly.

"And you don't use it to write my messages for me?!"

"Arthur, I am not wasting hours on writing your _shopping_ list."

"I still don't believe it's your collection of poetry," Arthur said as he shoved the book into Merlin's hands, "read one for me."

"Err…"

"Go on."

"All right," Merlin said, as he flicked the book to the end, "I call this one an _Ode to a Prat_. It was a warm summer's day when I glance upon him. Buffoonish and err…shiny! In the sunlight, the poor sweet servant, tormented by his prattish ways, was stopped by the brave, humble, and strangely good looking peasant. They battled with words, they fought with wits, and the Prat lost. He took great, brute, strength on the peasant, and manhandled him into a cell, which he locked the door, and threw away the key. But that is not the end of the tale…a day later, taking in the airs of freedom, the prat strikes again, with his…erm, sunlit hair and sapphire eyes, he takes a mace and does the peasants back in. there was moaning, and groaning, as the peasant ached from the beating the prat unfairly gave him. But alas they were destined to meet again, as the peasant pulled the ungrateful prat down to the ground, and away from the icy dagger of spider witch, and in reward, became the prat's whipping boy, now how the hell is that fair?"

"That isn't even a poem!" Gaius despaired. "It didn't even rhyme!"

Arthur, however, had no knowledge of poetry, just simply shrugged in acceptance. After all it had all been about him and how he kicked Merlin's arse in their epic mace war, the knights, on the other hand, sobbed helplessly into their handkerchiefs.

"That was beautiful," wept Knight Number One.

"The most heart-warming poem of all time," agreed Knight Number Two as he tried to dry his eyes, "you should be a bard, Merlin."

Gaius immediately turned round and bashed his head against the wall repeatedly. Dear God, in heaven, he was beginning to think that Merlin wasn't the only one with mental deficiencies.


	110. Rabbit Mask

**Summary:** in the first ever episode, first scene of Gaius' chambers there is a rabbit mask lying on the table. What on earth is it used for, I wonder?

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur and Gaius/Alice, and of course parental Gaius/Merlin.

"Gaius?"

"Yes, Merlin?" Gaius sighed with deep suffering.

He was reading a new book on the latest discoveries of fungi and he didn't want any new magical beasts, sorcery plots, assassination attempts, or just _sheer stupidity_ to ruin his rare moment of peace. A much as he adored his ward, Merlin had never given him a quiet moment since he first moved in over five years ago.

"I've been wondering…"

"_What_, Merlin?" Gaius growled impatiently.

"Well I couldn't help but notice that you have a rabbit mask on your table."

"Yes, _and_?"

"Well, in the last five years I have lived with you, I have never seen you wear it, so I wondered…what _do_ you use the mask for."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Is it for some weird ritual for making a potion? You know, you have to dance naked wearing only that in the full moon to make a cough syrup?"

"What _utter nonsense_ have you been reading, Merlin?" Gaius privately wondered if Merlin had been mixing in the wrong crowd again. It would be the first time he meet up with sky clad pagans who wanted to dance in the moonlight. "I must certainly do _not _do that! If you must know I have had that mask for years and no longer use it for its original purpose. Instead I use it to scare away Arthur when he tries to sneak in here."

Over the last two years for reasons unknown Arthur had tried to break into Gaius' chambers at least four times a week. He suspected it had something to do with unfounded revenge for whatever prank the pampered prince turned king thought Merlin had done but a little voice in Gaius' head suspected it had something more to do with his ward's _virtue_ that anything else.

"What do you mean scare Arthur away?" Merlin asked curiously.

As if Fate wanted Gaius to answer Merlin's question, Arthur barged through the door, "_Mer_lin I demand that you mend all of these clothes before the ambass-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH _**RABBIT!**_!" Arthur screamed at the sight of Gaius wearing his mask, stumbled backwards until he tottered off the edge of the staircase and fell backwards, and bounced on each step before he laid there unconscious on the bottom of the tower.

"Oh yes, of course," Merlin smacked his head, "Arthur's terrified of rabbits. I forgot about that. Huh," he looked down the stairs, "I thought I've been hearing Arthur screaming for the last few months…will he be all right?"

"Just concussed," Gaius reassured his ward.

"I suppose this explains why Arthur has suddenly become stupider lately," Merlin sighed as he shook his head, then suddenly a new shiny thought came into his head and he forgot all about his king lying unconscious down the stairs (one of the guards are bound to find him sooner or later). "Hang on, you said that this wasn't the original purpose of the mask, what was, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Well," Gaius smirked at the memories the mask held, "back when I was a much younger man, Alice and I used to play roleplaying games, where I was the innocent rabbit and she was the little vixen waiting to eat me up and corrupt me fully, oh the things she used to do to my pen-"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Merlin wailed as his hands clutched his ears. "TMI! _**TMI!**_ GAIUS!"

Gaius merely rolled his eyes and returned to his book. He wondered if he would have a far more sensible and quiet life, that had no single ounce of stupidity in it, if he had girls to raise instead of boys.


	111. Useless

**Summary: **What if Gaius didn't stop Merlin in time during 1x07?

**Pairings: **Arthur/Sophia if you read between the lines and parental Gaius/Merlin/Arthur if you look beyond Gaius' bad mood, oh and People of Camelot/Merlin in the stocks, the one true pairing of the first series!

"Don't worry I know what I'm doing."

Gaius very much doubted that Merlin knew what he was doing. Not only had he been utterly useless at coming up with a clever lie, and therefore ended up in the stocks two days in the row, but he stupidly allowed Arthur to get enchanted in the first place, and when he caught on he got himself blasted in a wall, and was now very much concussed. He was even more useless than before.

To prove his point Merlin staggered in what he thought was the right direction but was instead the window. "Merlin-" Gaius started but unfortunately didn't get much further as Merlin yanked the window open and 'walked' out. Well he tried but the firt two steps outside he went down like a sack of potatoes.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

_**SPLAT. **_

Gaius grimaced as he slowly peered out of the window. Fortunately Merlin wasn't dead, he landed in the new shipment of fruit and veg, and was now unconscious again.

"Yes," Gaius muttered sarcastically, "that's definitely someone who knows what they're doing." He then pushed his sleeves up grimly, "right then, best I go and save Arthur myself"

It took him five very long, hours, a grim hand to hand combat with two fairies, a long swim, a very disgustingly long length of time doing mouth to mouth with fish breath Prince Arthur, and then another ten hours lugging that heavy weight, useless excuse, of a prince back to Camelot. By then, fortunately, Merlin had recovered and Uther rewarded him for destroying this month's stock of fruit and veg by putting him in the stocks and have more fruit and veg being thrown at him.

How ironic.


	112. The Most Dangerous Creature Ever! V1

**Summary: **It wasn't a unicorn they found in the opening scene of 1x11 but something far more dangerous…

**Pairings: **The usual implied Merthur.

"You want me to go in there?! You don't know what it is, it could be dangerous!"

"Let's hope so."

Merlin swallowed, and promptly decided he won't do anything to the rat he accidentally let in yesterday until it ate at least one of Arthur's shoes, as he slowly edge himself into the forest opening. Arthur didn't know what sort of creature it was, it could be another griffin, or a non-talking, human-eating dragon, for all they knew and Arthur was going to let it kill him!

He took another few steps, the sunlight blinded him, and then -

A lion pounced.

It was a great magnificent beast of a lion, it shoved Merlin down onto the ground, and bit savagely into Merlin's throat.

"MERLIN!"

Merlin suffocated into the fur and under the weight of the lion as it suddenly dropped dead. Multiple arrows from Arthur and his nameless Knights (they weren't the nice ones so Merlin couldn't be bothered to learn their names) had pierced the monster and killed it promptly.

"Are you all right?"

"You fucking prat! I hate you!"

Is what Merlin tried to say, instead it came out as a pitiful moan and gargle as blood filled his throat. Mm…copper Merlin-y taste, how delightful_, not._ Arthur just laughed it off and did a terrible attempt of first aid before he carried Merlin like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder (which did not help the blood loss at all!) and then shoved him on the horse to ride back to Camelot, and hopefully a fully qualified physician called Gaius.

"I'm afraid the news isn't good," Gaius said as he stitched Merlin's throat up together, "he has badly damaged his vocal chords, a couple of them have in fact been torn out, and therefore he will have no choice but to remain mute for a few months until he recovers."

Arthur, being the insensitive prat he is, burst out laughing again. "Hallelujah! No nonsensical babbling! Peace at last! He won't ever argue with me a-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY HAIR!"

For reasons unknown Arthur's hair spontaneously burst into flames and the spoilt prince ran like a lunatic before he finally shoved his head in Merlin's two day old scummy bath water.

"Merlin!" Gaius hissed. "What have I told you about using your magic? Consider yourself grounded young man! I expect the leech tank to be cleaned by sun down as well."

Merlin protested but it came out as such a pathetic little squeak that he just did what he was told. And when he was allowed back on duty a week later, he kept completely silent at work (because Lord knows that Arthur would tease him if he heard that squeaky whines and wails).

And do you know what? Arthur missed his servant's constant babbling within a day.

_Damnit! _


	113. Collector's Item

**Summary: **Uther isn't that _stupid_, he can recognise a magical staff anywhere. AU Scene of 1x07.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Sophia and a little Merthur if you squint.

"Father!" Arthur stride towards his father proudly. Behind him was the very beautiful Sophia and her elderly father dressed richly and both using staffs with gorgeous sea blue crystals imbedded in them. "I would like to introduce you to Lady So-"

"GUARDS!" Uther bellowed before his son could finish. The men who were guarding the door, and those scattered throughout the hall trying to flirt with the ladies and their maids, suddenly surrounded the terrified blonde and shocked father. "Take these sorcerers to the dungeons right away!"

"What?!" Arthur shouted completely befuddled. "Father what's the meaning of this?! They're two innocent people that I have just rescued from bandits. What on earth could they have done to offend you?"

"Arthur," Uther said exasperated, "open your eyes and look at them. They're carrying magical staffs, and I should know I prosecuted enough people to have an entire collection in the vaults. They looked sidhe….hmmm I don't think I have one of those yet, YOU! Nameless servant that brings me wine take those staffs and put them in my vault!"

"But Father!" Arthur protested. "Look at Lady Sophia, she's too beautiful, and sweet, and innocent to be a witch."

"You've obviously fallen for an enchantment," Uther rolled his eyes, "You there! Idiot, moron, what's your name…Marvin?"

"Merlin, sire," Merlin corrected his king.

"Obviously," Uther retorted, "go and take my pillock of a son to Gaius and see if he can cure him from this lust spell."

"Yes, sire," Merlin bowed.

And then proceeded to gleefully drag a protesting Arthur out of the great hall by the ear. Meanwhile, in the dungeons, Sophia was pouting as her father scratched his head in confusion. "I should have guessed that Uther would recognise us as magic users," he shook his head at his own stupidity, "after all he has prosecuted many of our kind. Don't worry Soph, we'll escape and find a nice prince from Mercia instead."

"I don't want a nice prince from Mercia!" Sophia wailed. "I want Prince Arthur! Daddy, get me a Prince Arthur!"

"Yes, well I wanted a long holiday somewhere sunny with you past the Gates of Avalon unable to bother me but we don't always get what we want, do we?"


	114. The Most Dangerous Creature Ever! V2

**Summary: **It wasn't a unicorn they found in the opening scene of 1x11 but something far more dangerous…

**Pairings: **The usual implied Merthur.

"You want me to go in there?! You don't know what it is, it could be dangerous!"

"Let's hope so."

Merlin swallowed, and promptly decided he won't do anything to the rat he accidentally let in yesterday until it ate at least one of Arthur's shoes, as he slowly edge himself into the forest opening. Arthur didn't know what sort of creature it was, it could be another griffin, or a non-talking, human-eating dragon, for all they knew and Arthur was going to let it kill him!

He took another few steps, the sunlight blinded him, and then -

He stumbled over a cute litter of baby rabbits. They were all white, fluffy, and best of all _cuddly_! Merlin squealed excitedly as he fell to his knees and picked up about five of them in his arms. "Oh aren't you all so adorable?" he asked as he nuzzled into their soft beautiful fur. "I think I'll call you Flopsy, and you Cottonball, and you Mopsy, and you Snuggles, and you can be Snowy! Oh!" Merlin dropped the four baby bunnies in favour of another baby bunny that appeared out of nowhere. It had a certain charismatic look to it and Merlin was certain it would look dashing in a blue coat. "There's no doubt about it," he declared cuddling the finest baby rabbit in the world, "you are Peter Rabbit!"

"MERLIN!"

Before Merlin could say another word six arrows shot out and each and every one of them pierced a baby rabbit. Merlin sat there, frozen in horror, as Peter Rabbit died helplessly in his arms.

"Wh...What…how…_**WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?**_!" Merlin shrieked at his employer. _Not for much longer_, Merlin added darkly, furious at the prat. "How could you kill those harmless babies?!"

"Merlin, they are not harmless," Arthur cried out in his defence, "they are the _epitome of all evil,_ the spawn of Satan, the-"

"_They were babies!_" Merlin howled.

"They would have grown up to be vicious killing machines."

"You sound like your Father!"

"He is a wise man."

"And yet I don't see him being a _fucking prat_ killing innocent baby bunnies!"

"Merlin, you have no idea how dangerous they are," Arthur said as he grabbed hold of Merlin's shoulders, "My Father has told me all about the time one of them ripped – OH MY GOD! IT'S ANOTHER ONE! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

Merlin suddenly staggered under the weight of one prattish prince as Arthur had jumped into Merlin's arms without a single thought to Merlin's strength, ability, and the fact that he was still cradling a dead bunny rabbit. There was now bunny guts smashed on his shirt that was going to be a nightmare to wash out! Unable to stand anymore Merlin collapsed under Arthur's weight and landed on the baby bunny corpses, squashing them, as the knights all shot at the mother rabbit who came back to find all her precious babies murdered by a brute.

She died quickly to right before Merlin's eyes.

It was incredibly traumatising.

"I hope you know," he snarled at his annoying brat of an employer, "that I am never talking to you again."


	115. Sword Play

**Summary: **Merlin shouldn't be allowed to play with swords….

**Pairings: **implied Merthur and Merlin/Morgana, and Gwen/Lancelot.

It was a cold dark night, and Merlin was keeping watch over three women, on a journey where he was about to meet gang members and tell them to back the fuck off of his village, so of course he was naturally jumpy. To make things worse he could hear someone sneaking about in the forest. Carefully, he crept around, sword in hand, ready to scare whoever it was, when he suddenly felt the sharp end of a sword poking him in the back (no not that sword, the other one, you dirty-minded people!).

"I would ask you for money but I know you don't have any."

It was a familiar drawl he heard on a regular basis. Merlin's heart started to beat again in relief as he grinned. He cheerfully whirled round, sword in hand and shouted, "ARTHUR!" startled, Arthur didn't have time to duck and the sword Merlin had been playing with sliced cleanly through Arthur's neck.

His beautiful blonde head landed on the floor with a thump.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I just beheaded the crown prince of Camelot!" he panicked clutching himself terrified, as he was fairly certain he just peed himself as well. "Uther is going to kill me! Gaius is as well! And Mother! Oh God what will the Great Dragon say?!"

In the depths of his prison the Great Dragon was overcome with a new vision of the future. Morgana will prevent Uther from beheading Merlin (for murdering the prince and all that), and will be declared as Uther's new heir. There will of course be bitterness about all the lies and deceit, and Uther will be promptly killed off by his daughter's half sister. Morgana will unban magic, bring it back to the land, and unite most of Albion with the help of her new, adoring, husband Merlin. Together they would be Magic's new power couple.

And the Knights of the Round Table will still be brought together by Sir Leon, and Guinevere will still be a powerful member of the court, leading lady in waiting, the Queen's advisor, and wife to Sir Lancelot.

It was utopia.

It was hell!

Where did all the slash go?! Bring back the slash! He was the Great Dragon and he demanded that Arthur and Merlin will have sexy times together (he had to get his rocks off, somehow)!


	116. The Truth About Merlin

**Summary: **Arthur wants to know more about why Merlin left his childhood home.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur and Merlin/Will if you squint.

Arthur was deadly curious about Merlin's past life in Elador. After all he had never heard Merlin mention the little village until his mother came for a visit and in need of help, and he was suddenly thrown into the little provincial life Merlin led before he arrived to Camelot, and for some godforsaken reason, Merlin was being incredibly vague on his reason for leaving the lovely countryside place.

He didn't fit in anymore. _What sort of excuse was that?!_

After all Merlin didn't really _fit in_ at Camelot but that hasn't stopped him cheerfully befriending everyone and their mother. And how could Merlin _not_ fit in this lovely village? He knew everyone's name, could talk farmer shop with them all, and was dressed in a similar fashion as them as well.

So Arthur decided to have a proper snoop around. Hunith had been just as vague as Merlin, but she did tell him some hilarious baby stories, and the nearby next door neighbours wouldn't say a word to him. Will was a prick, Arthur didn't know _what_ Merlin saw in him, and just swore at him, and Mathew (who Arthur liked) had the terminally ill problem of being_ dead, _and his family glared at him as if it was his fault.

Okay it might have been a little but _still!_

He managed to get some of the people talk and they just vaguely said there was something not right about the boy, which as accurate as it was since Merlin has some sort of mental affliction making him confess to sorcery, be ridiculously stupid, and argumentative, was not helpful at all. The children all seemed to think Merlin was _a fairy_ for some reason, and some of the women round Hunith's age clucked their tongues disapprovingly.

Finally after like an hour of investigating Arthur struck information gold as a lovely old dear invited him in for a cup of tea.

"So I've been wondering," he said as he helped himself to a biscuit (and grimaced as it turned out it was a mouldy stale bit of bread), "Exactly why does Merlin not fit in at the village? No one will talk about it apart from the children and they seemed half convinced he's a fairy….do you know why Merlin left?"

"Don't you know, dearie?" the old lady asked over her own cup of tea. She couldn't believe such a lovely, young, educated man such as the prince didn't know. After all everyone knew what the term fairy meant. "He's the only gay in the village."


	117. Dirty Dreams?

**Summary: **So any of you think that it was miracle that Merlin could hear Arthur on the other side of the castle, in the tower, in his bedroom, and appear like magic to answer his call? A slightly AU scene of 2x01 because it's _logical._

**Pairings: **Merthur and implied Gwen/Morgana (if you squint and like that sort of thing).

Arthur couldn't sleep.

And for once it was no one's fault but his father's, because for some reason his father had to know what was under the castle, and he had to pay workman to work all day, and work all night, and he had to be the only one immune to the consistent sound of hammering, drilling, and chisling….it was driving Arthur _mad._ Not just mad but capital letters MAD!

He just wanted to sleep.

He had so much to do, knights to train, monsters to slay, and fathers to please, he needed his rest.

So he fell back to the perfect stand-by. The one thing that will never fail him. The one thing that will definitely get him to fall asleep.

Order Merlin to go down and order the workmen to stop working.

"Merlin," he called out, "_Mer_lin, Merlin, Mer_lin_, Merlin…._MER_LIN!"

There was absolutely no response which angered him further. Where was his useless manservant? Why wasn't he attending to Arthur's every need?

"_MERLIN_! **MER**_LIN_! **MERLIN**! MERLIN! _**MER**_LIN!"

Still nothing which merely infuriated Arthur more. He threw back his head, took a great deep breath, and then screamed;

"_**MERLIN!"**_

The door burst open, "_Finally_!" Arthur snapped, "Where _were _you? You us- _Morgana?!_ What are _you _doing here?" To Arthur's horror instead of his idiot, worthless, manservant standing before him, it was a furious, elegant, Lady Morgana who so did not look angelic in white but rather like an avenging angel.

"Shutting you up!" She hissed. "People are trying to _sleep_, Arthur!

"So am I!"

"Oh, and you were what?" Morgana purred dangerously, her eyes flashing with revenge. "Dreaming about Merlin doing sinfully delicious things to you?"

"**NO!"**

"Then," Morgana snatched up his pillow which made his head fall onto the mattress with a loud thump. "You." She hits him on the head with the pillow. "Have." She hits him again. "No." And again. "Excuse." Feathers were flying out from said pillow now.

"Morgana!" he cried out trying to defend himself. "I was only calling my manservant to go down and tell the workers to stop!"

"Did it ever occur to you that Merlin cannot hear you from his home?!" Morgana shrieked. "He lives in _a tower_ on the _other side _of the _very big_ castle!" she spoke to him as if he was a child. It did nothing for his mood.

"Guinevere can hear you when you have a nightmare!" Arthur protested. "And _she _lives in the lower town miles from your chambers!"

"She sleeps in the antechamber on nights she thinks I might need her!" Morgana retorted back. "And sometimes she sleeps in my chambers afterwards just in case."

Arthur pushed down the jealousy that his manservant wasn't as considerate to his every need as Morgana's maid was_. It wasn't fair!_ Before he could say a single thing though Merlin finally bursts in. "You rang, sire?" he panted.

"If he can hear you from Gaius' rooms then you need to learn to _shut the hell up_!" Morgana declared triumphantly. With a flare of her skirt, she stormed out, only to stop by Merlin, and pat his arm sympathetically, "we're here for you when you realise what a prat he is." She then shot one more malicious look at Arthur before she left for good.

"Wha-"

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"


	118. The Wrong Romantic Conclusion

**Summary: **AU of 2x03 as I couldn't help but think it was a little heartless of Merlin to not only lie about his magic to Morgana but make her go on that journey alone.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, actual Morgana/Merlin, Parental Uther/Morgana, Parental Gaius/Merlin, Brotherly Arthur/Morgana, Hero Worship Mordred/Merlin/Morgana/Arthur, and the tiniest mention of Arthur/Gwen.

"The guards said that Merlin had delivered it last night."

Arthur was rather worried. The girl he loved as a sister (don't tell her he said that! She would never let him live it down) was missing as was his manservant, who he….well really needed to help get dressed in the morning. Gaius looked up, worried and somewhat horrified, which did nothing to help Arthur's nerves.

"Where is this Merlin?" Uther demanded. "We'll put him in interrogation right away."

Arthur shuddered at the implications. He could see his father putting Merlin on the rack in order to get some sort of answer out of him instead of Merlin's usual nonsensical ramblings.

"Erm…you see, sire," Gaius said nervously, he must also want to avoid Merlin's near future torture session without having one himself. "Merlin hasn't come home yet."

"Oh my God!" Arthur blurted out. His very worst fear having been realised. "They must have eloped!"

"_**WHAT?**_!" Uther and Gaius bellowed in unison.

"What was that useless, babbling, moronic of a fool you call a servant doing sniffing around my precious little girl?!"

"What was that bewitching harpy of a witch that you call your foster sister doing corrupting my baby?!"

Arthur took a couple steps backwards. It was rather intimidating, he had never seen Gaius so angry, and his father…well his father had always been a terrifying man when angered. A small part of him mentally sniggered though, Merlin was Gaius' _baby_? Ha! Priceless. And another small part of him was a little upset and jealous, he was rather certain his father had never described him as _his precious little boy_.

"Well…you see…" Arthur ran a hand through his hair, "they are good friends ever since Morgana and I helped Merlin save his village."

"You mean after you both disobeyed me and spent a weekend on that ridiculous sleepover," Uther rolled his eyes, "yes, carry on."

"They must have gotten quite close, you see, all those jokes at my expense, ha, ha-ha," Arthur laughed weakly at the two very much unamused elderly faces, "to the point…well I saw Merlin give Morgana flowers yesterday, ones he picked himself," he never picked flowers for Arthur, it was incredibly unfair, Morgana got everything, "and he got very flustered when I questioned him…I suspect whenever he delivered Morgana's sleeping draft he must have wooed her, or the other way round, and last night….they decided they couldn't live without each other."

"Your boy seduced my girl when she was vulnerable!" Uther shouted at Gaius. "I've seen him with those doe eyes and sweet nature! He would have made her fall into his arms with some kind words and a flutter of his eyelashes!"

"_You what?!"_ Gaius yelled back. "Your girl seduced my boy in her underwear I bet. I've seen those night gowns she wears, all flimsy and see through! He would have been putty in her hands!"

"_Have you been perving at my ward_?!" They screamed at each other in unison.

Arthur, preferring live and full hearing, decided to leave right there and then, and find Guinevere, she would be some comfort. After all if Morgana can marry Merlin, why can't he marry her maid?

In the end after Uther decided that Merlin was not good enough for his ward (being a servant, a peasant, and probably a bastard, how would he know? He doesn't know the boy's ancestry) and ruined his friendship with Gaius, who thought Morgana wasn't good enough for Merlin for no apparent reason, he ordered Arthur to go in search of the pair and prevent them to be married.

Arthur had no fucking clue how to do it but he had to try to save his manservant's virtue…err he means his foster sister who he loves dearly (in a totally non-sexual way!).

MMMMMMMMMM

After guiding Morgana to the druids (he couldn't let her go alone, it was too dangerous!), Merlin found himself invited to stay as well, which resulted in a confession of his own powers to Morgana, and a reunion with Mordred who told Morgana all about Merlin being a super-powerful being of all time.

"Like a superhero," he declared sweetly as he snuggled between Morgana and Merlin, his two favourite people in the world, "he's awesome, like you, you're awesome as well."

"Flatterer," Morgana cooed.

It was right there and then that Merlin was certain the Great Dragon was wrong. How could someone as beautiful and loving as Morgana be corrupted by a power she didn't want? And how could someone as adorable and sweet as Mordred end up murdering someone? It didn't add up, and then he remembered how the dragon tricked him last year, and decided the old fire-breathing scaly goat wasn't worth listening to unless it was about a new spell or magical beast.

Morgana had been furious with him for not being truthful at first, icily so, but as the days dragged on and she learnt more and more about magic, the more she thawed out towards him.

And now they decided to go out for a stroll with Mordred, and collect some berries for dinner that night, as they walked together, Mordred running ahead, Merlin was startled when Morgana took his hand. It was so warm, and small, and soft, he looked at, unable to prevent a blush, and she smiled at him. _So pretty_, he breathed (and Mordred the thought eavesdropper giggled), and he smiled back.

"_Mer_lin!"

"Oh God!" Merlin yelped as he leaped away. "I didn't do anything!"

"Don't lie," Arthur shouted as he stormed towards them, "I saw you! And we all know about your elopement!"

"_Elopement_?!" Merlin and Morgana cried out, Merlin in horror, Morgana in surprise mixed with glee at the idea.

"Arthur!" Mordred trilled gleefully. Like Merlin and Morgana, he held a great deal of affection for the prince that rescued him as well. He ran towards the irate prince and stood before him, unable to bring himself to hug him. "You came too!"

"Oh my God!" Arthur shouted horrified. "You've only been married for two weeks and already you got a kid!"

Morgana face palmed and Merlin stared at Arthur in bewilderment. Mordred was unable to prevent a look that suggested Arthur was the most stupid thing he had ever come upon. Sort of like the look Arthur gave Merlin on a daily basis. "Arthur," Merlin said exasperated, "there is no way Morgana and I would have been able to create a child, give birth to him, and raise him for the next twelve or so years, within two weeks. And we're _not _married!"

"Don't lie, Merlin," Arthur said patronising, "we all saw the flowers you gave her."

"That doesn't mean we're married!"

"Arthur," Morgana said with gritted teeth, "We. Are. Not. Married. Get it through your thick head!"

"_What?_!" Arthur roared with indignation. "You ran off with my sister and didn't make an honest woman out of her? That's it, you're getting married right now!"

Merlin tried to protest but Morgana had gleefully grabbed hold of him and dragged him to the nearest high priest to marry them, Arthur was so focused on arguing with Mordred on who should be the best man to notice they were surrounded by magic people, and when they got back, wedded, bedded, and leaving behind a miserable Mordred who insisted he should be godfather to their future child, they were greeted by a furious Uther.

"They better damn well be beautiful grandbabies who have their mother's intelligence," He muttered furiously with Gaius nodding in agreement.

He then proceeded to order Merlin to the stocks until all the food in Camelot ran out.


	119. Jealousy Thy Name is Merlin

**Summary: **Merlin tries to confront Arthur about Cedric. AU of 2x01.

**Pairings: **MERTHUR! And a little implied Arthur/Cedric if you squint.

Merlin managed to get hold of Arthur without that creep Cedric hovering around. Of course it meant he had to burst in on Arthur just as he was about to get out of the bath but eh, it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before.

"Arthur you have to listen to me," He snarled, frustrated and very pissed off, "I am not tired, I am not useless, but I have been sabotaged. Have you noticed the moment that sleaze ball Cedric has appeared everything has gone wrong for me?"

"Don't be ridiculous _Mer_lin," Arthur said as he wrapped a towel round his waist. "You've _always_ been useless."

Merlin only refrained from hitting the prat of a prince because he didn't want to go to the stocks again. "Think about it!" He hissed instead. "He appears the moment you find a truck load of treasure in your secret underground basement and all buts licks your boots. And you _don't _find that suspicious?"

Arthur shook his head amused and smiled patronisingly at him. "Merlin, are you jealous?" he asked teasingly.

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"Why would I? What is there to be jealous of that sleazy, smarmy, suck-up, of a creep?!"

"Because he is better at your job, because he is more attentive to my needs, and" Arthur smirked at him, the infuriating bastard, "because I've chosen him to serve me tonight."

"I'm attentive to your needs," Merlin pointed out sullenly, "far too much. I have no life because of you."

"You're my servant, Merlin," Arthur drawled, "I am supposed to be your life which is why you are jealous."

"I am not jealous!"

"You are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

And then somewhere, somehow, out of the blue Arthur snogged him. Okay, all right, they had moved in together during their argument and Merlin's last words were more spoken to Arthur's lips than to Arthur, and Arthur had spoken his last words against Merlin's lips, but still it wasn't Merlin had expecting for when he had barged into beat some sense into Arthur.

Eh, snog, beat, either way it might just work as Arthur pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him.

"Sire!" Cedric burst in with dinner at hand. "I have prepared – OH my God! Apologies, I did not mean-"

"Piss off, Cedric!" Both Merlin and Arthur snapped in unison.

Cedric, shocked that both the arrogant prince and the sweet moronic servant could use such language as well as…well do that, took several steps slowly out of the room, and the door seemed to have magically slammed itself in his face.

He thought he could sneak in later, after Merlin the moron left, but unfortunately it wasn't till well past midnight until they stopped (honestly they were at it like rabbits Cedric had never seen anything so _disgusting_) but just as his hand was about to reach in for the key, Merlin's eyes suddenly opened, and turned gold of all things, before he suddenly found himself flung against the wall and knocked out.

Perhaps he would be better off stealing Lady Morgana's jewellery – surely _that_ wouldn't be such a long and difficult con with such stupid people.

(Two days later he is caught by Gwen, and immediately knocked out by her talent of hitting people in the head with silver jugs, Morgana then proceeded to hog tie him to her bed, and Uther took great pleasure it cutting his head off. So much for that.)


	120. Berry Fight

**Summary: **Merlin and Arthur get distracted on their quest to rescue Gwen. AU of 2x04.

**Pairings: **Gwen/Lancelot and implied Merthur.

Arthur smashed a berry in Merlin's face.

It was a horrible stinky thing and Merlin has never been the type to take such rudeness lying down. So he grabbed a couple of berries and splattered them against Arthur's hair.

"Merlin!"

"You deserved it!" Merlin grinned.

"Hmm, well then," Arthur grabbed a handful of berries, "you deserve this," Merlin tried to run but it was too late. His dark hair was now covered in brown gunk.

"Urgh!" Merlin groaned. "You prat!" he plucked some berries, and with a tiny bit of magical help, successfully thrown them at Arthur. One landed on his nose, one landed on his hand defending his face, and other made a disgusting brown stain on his crotch.

"MERLIN!" Arthur roared furiously.

He then tackled Merlin into the berry bush and they wrestled for some time within the disgustingly smell berry bush. Then after Merlin managed to escape, since Arthur was wearing heavy armour and he completely used it to his advantage, and it turned into a mudslinging fight.

Hours later, the sun setting above them, Merlin and Arthur laid on the ground, filthy and spent, panting for breath when Arthur frowned. "I have a feeling I've forgotten something."

"Me too," Merlin agreed.

"What do you think it is?" Arthur asked.

Merlin shrugged a little. "I dunno," he muttered, "can't have been important."

Meanwhile on the other side of the mountain Lancelot kicked the door open, Gwen in his arms like the beautiful princess she is, and blood staining his sword as he just slain several brutes and monsters in her defence.

"Oh Lancelot!" Gwen swooned a little.

"Gwen," Lancelot panted, he was exhausted having executed the perfect heroic rescue plan, "can you walk, or shall I carry you home?"

"Oh…err my ankle is still killing me," Gwen lied a little.

"Okay then," Lancelot said shifting her in his arms, "back to Camelot we go."

And yes, he carried her the entire way to Camelot, and then all the way to the castle where he delivered her safely into Morgana's arms.

And where were Arthur and Merlin?

Well they found some more berries to play with.


	121. Arthur the Pervert

**Summary: **Arthur is a pervert and an idiot.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen, tiny bit of Merthur, and Merlin/Gwen friendship.

"I'm sorry, sire."

Arthur blinked. One moment he had been about to slay a stone beast (well attempt, so far he had broken two swords and none of the arrows had been effective), and then the next moment he is one the floor, with a warm body on top of him, and a luscious amount of cleavage in his face.

Guinevere was on top of him. Guinevere was wearing a brand new dress, a light purple cotton one that was very low cut, and instead of her usual brightly coloured regulated tunic she would wear over her dress, she was now wearing a corset that pushed her dark breasts upwards. Guinevere was beautiful. Guinevere had breasts. He had never noticed before.

It was a delightful sight.

"No my pleasure," he panted unable to drag his eyes away.

She slapped him.

It was a sharp, stinging sensation, and a very odd one. No woman before has ever slapped him in his life (Merlin was a totally different story).

"Pervert!" she shrieked.

"Excuse me?!"

"I saw you!" she wrapped her arms round her chest protectively. "Your eyes practically fell into my dress!"

"Well maybe they wouldn't if you dressed more appropriately," Arthur snapped, "your dress is so low cut that your breasts are practically falling out of said dress!"

"Did you just imply I dress like a whore?"

"Yes! Yes you do!"

Okay. He deserved that slap. But that didn't stop him from getting angrier and shouting even more. "Where did you get that thing anyway?! What happened to your nice plain white dress with the colourful tunic?"

"I got this dress from the Lady Morgana!" Guinevere shouted defensively. "She said I no longer had to wear regulation clothes as I have been loyal to her despite what her guardian did to my father. She helped me make the corset with her old curtains."

"Well that's not really a good thing seeing as Morgana has been known to dress inappropriately as well."

"Did you just imply that my mistress also dresses like whore?!"

He knew he was treading dangerous ground as Guinevere was as loyal to Morgana as Merlin was to him (which is too say she would kill whomever insults Morgana) but he was unable to keep his mouth shut. In fact the only reason he didn't put his foot in his mouth again was because two of the stone beasts swooped down and picked both him and Guinevere.

"EEK!"

Guinevere screamed as she had to push her skirts down to keep him….well seeing more than he already have.

"What the hell?!" Arthur yelped.

"This is all your fault!" Guinevere snarled.

"How?"

"You were being perverted!"

"You kept me distracted with your screaming!" Arthur snapped back. "If you didn't argue with me these monsters wouldn't be attacking us!"

"Well if you actually killed them we wouldn't have this problem to begin with!"

"Why you-"

Suddenly the stone beasts burst into nothing but dust and they're falling back to the ground. Arthur was certain he was going to die with Guinevere's screams echoing in his ears for all eternity when he is suddenly floating in his air and Merlin, with the grace he lacks on a daily basis, caught Gwen neatly.

"All right, you two?" he grinned.

Arthur landed on the ground with a painful thump on his bottom. "Didn't I lock you up in the cells?" he asked.

"I broke out," Merlin said cheerfully.

"Hmm…"

"Now in you go," Merlin said ushering them both back to the castle, "I have lots to do, monsters to destroy, evil sorcerers to lock up ,and cleaning up after Arthur's stupidity and mess."

"Excuse me? What do you mean you have to-" Merlin slammed the door in his face and Guinevere looked at it in awe and pride that he had never seen her look at him. It made him a tiny bit jealous but not as much as the idea of Merlin being the hero and defeating all the bad guys instead of him. "What on earth just happened?"

"If you don't know," Guinevere said exasperated, "then there's no point in explaining. God help Camelot," she muttered under her breath as she stormed off to help the injured, "not only do they have a pervert for a future king but a moron at that."


	122. Knock Knock

**Summary: **Arthur makes a stupid suggestion that Merlin takes up. An alternative scene for 2x04.

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur and Merlin/Gwen.

"Why don't you just go over there and knock on the front door?" Arthur suggested sarcastically. "I'm sure they'll just hand Guinevere over to you."

"Okay," Merlin shrugged.

Arthur spluttered as Merlin, without a care in the world, strolled over to the castle and banged on the door. What was that moron doing? Why did Arthur make that stupid suggestion? Of course Merlin would blindly do what he says unless it was something mundane (but important) like clean my socks?!

"_Merlin!_" Arthur hissed, "_Mer_lin! I order you to get back here, _right now_!"

But it was too late. The large wooden doors were already creaking open and there at the door way was about three of Hengist's butch, over-muscled, terrifying army. "What?" the one with the eye patch grunted.

"Ah, hello there," Merlin grinned, "Can I see Gwen?"

"Gwen?" the really big muscly man grunted.

"Yes, Gwen. I'd like to take Gwen out."

"All right," said the other one, "hang on a mo'. OI GWEN, A BLOKE HERE WANTS TO TAKE YOU OUT. SKINNY GUY WITH A HANDKERCHIEF ROUND HIS NECK!"

Arthur stared at the castle in disbelief. "You have _got_ to be kidding me," he didn't think such a simple plan would work. It was so…so…_stupid_. Merlin turned round and grinned at him. He held up his two thumbs in a _isn't this grea_t gesture while Arthur could do nothing but gawk at him. He had to have some sort of superpower for this to have had worked or something severely wrong with the world.

"You rang?"

Instead of the lovely sweet voice that was his Guinevere, and the beautiful black curls, and the caramel colour of her skin, there stood a very tall, over muscled, heavily scarred, has a hook for a hand, and was missing several teeth, hideous man.

Urgh.

On seconds thoughts perhaps everything was right in the world.

"Erm…Gwen?" Merlin said meekly.

"Yes?" the bloke grunted.

"My…you have changed since I last saw you." Merlin swallowed nervously. "Weren't you a woman this morning?"

"For the last time!" the man shouted. "It is not my fault, that my other had wanted a girl so badly, brought all the dresses, all the toys, picked out the perfect name, only to find out she had me instead, and COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO CHANGE THE NAME, OR THE DRESSES, OR THE TOYS, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH BULLYING I'VE SUFFERED IN MY LIFE, _**DO YOU?!"**_

"N-no," Merlin stuttered, "I mean yes, uh, I don't really know, I just came over to take Gwen out."

"All right sweet cheeks," Male Scary Gwen said, "but how about you come in instead. In fact," he leered at Merlin, "why don't we go up to my bunk?"

"W-w-what?!"

"Come on sunshine!"

Arthur watched in horror as Merlin is suddenly pulled in by the big muscly man. "EEK!" Merlin squeaked. "Arthur help!" the door slammed barely muffling Merlin's cries.

"Oh goddamnit!" Arthur cursed. "Now I have to rescue Merlin as well. Idiot!"


	123. WTF!

**Summary: **Gaius gets an unexpected response from Uther when he tells him that the woman he is courting is a troll.

**Pairings: **One-sided Gaius/Uther, implied Uther/Catrina, and Merthur.

"I believe she is a troll, sire."

Gaius was expecting a variety of responses, anger at Gaius for making such an accusation, anger at the troll for tricking (and attempting to seduce) him, disbelief, denial, but out of all the responses Gaius could think of he had never once thought Uther would react like this.

He laughed.

Yes, that's right, _he laughed_. And then he smirked, the ruddy bastard _smirked_ at him! And then he said, and Gaius will go to his deathbed still unable to believe that Uther had said it, "Are you jealous, Gaius?"

"I beg your pardon, sire?"

"Are. You. Jealous?"

It took all over Gaius' restraint to not punch Uther Pendragon's smug face. "What on earth would I be jealous of?"

"Lady Catrina," Uther sighed, almost dreamily it as sickening, "you are jealous that she has taken your place in my life."

"_What place?!"_ Gaius asked alarmed. Dear God, what did Uther think Gaius did for him?!

"As my first advisor, as my friend, as my chess partner…."

"You've only known her for a couple days and suddenly she replaces everyone as your first advisor?" It was nothing new about Uther changing his first advisor the moment someone said something he didn't want to hear they were replaced. _Moronic arrogant prat_. "And you are only allowed one friend?" it didn't surprise Gaius that Uther had one friend but that was an entirely different thing. "And what did you mean she's replaced me as your chess partner?!"

"See!" Uther declared triumphantly. "You are jealous!"

"Urgh!" Gaius shrieked. "I am not jealous!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"I am not!"

At this point Gaius suddenly found himself pressed against a wall and far, far, far too aware of how tight Uther Pendragon's black leather pants were. _Ew!_ He did not want this. He did not understand what the fuck is going through his friend's head. Perhaps the troll has messed with Uther's head a little too much?

"You are too," Uther whispered against Gaius' lips.

Gaius shuddered. Not because he found Uther's breath on his lips erotic or anything, quite the opposite, it stank of garlic, and Gaius was so completely repulsed that he felt the urge to vomit all over Uther's new leather jerkin. Uther leans in closer, and then –

"OH MY GOD, _NO_!"

Uther and Gaius turned their heads so quickly that Gaius felt his neck crack a little and definitely heard Uther's make an ominous snapping sound. Down at the bottom of the hallway was Arthur and Merlin. Arthur looked absolutely disgusted and a tiny bit green while Merlin looked far paler than normal and very horrified.

"Err…Arthur, what a surprise!" Uther cried out as he leaped away from Gaius (who took complete advantage and edged away). "Why don't you go back to your chambers and play with your manservant?"

"What?" Arthur retorted. "So you can play with yours in the hallway?"

"_Yes!_ I mean no! I mean let's pretend none of this had happened."

At this point Gaius had completely legged it and left the hallway, ran several stair cases down, and darted across the courtyard.

"Excuse me," Uther said, "I have someone to find."

He then quickly ran after Gaius which left Arthur and Merlin to shudder in complete repulsion. "Never again, Merlin," Arthur murmured, "are we going to argue like that ever again."

"Agreed," Merlin said, "we won't until you act like your usual prat self again."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me!"

"I think you find, _Mer_lin that most of our arguments are caused out of your stupidity."

"Why you, arrogant, patronising, hypocritical clotpole!"

"What on earth is a _clotpole_?!"

This went on for two hours, that's how long it takes on a slow walk from that particular hallway to Arthur's chambers (stupid rich people and their big castles), until Arthur suddenly pushed Merlin against the door and….well the rest is history.

Uther, however, wasn't that fortunate.

Much to Gaius' relief as he hid in the Great Dragon's cave as the old lizard wouldn't stop laughing at him.


	124. Teenage Hormones

**Summary: **Merlin suffers in the duration of Lady Catrina and Jonas' stay but not for the reason you would think.

**Pairings: **one-sided Merlin/Lady Catrina, implied Merlin/Jonas, and brief mention of Gaius/OCs.

"It's perfectly all right," Catrina dismissed Merlin's apology, "it was not as if I was undressing."

Merlin looked down. He really couldn't help it! There was something very appealing about Lady Catrina, she was unlike any other woman he has seen, she was not elegantly beautiful like Morgana, nor pretty like Gwen and his mother, nor was she enchantingly gorgeous like Nimueh, she was comely, she was warm, she was….well incredibly pretty for someone middle-aged. So to hear something so…so…so well, suggestive, it completely thrown him off, and he couldn't help but glance up and….well she was wearing white see-through clothes!

"Oh my God!" Catrina cried out. "You were just thinking about it. Weren't you?"

"Thinking about what?" Merlin asked innocently.

"You_ are_!" Catrina cried out. "You're thinking about me undressing!" Merlin couldn't help but blush at that. He didn't meant to think about it! It just happened! "Get out!" she hissed.

"B-b-but your potion!"

"Out! I said GET OUT! YOU PERVERT!"

The potion bottle dropped, smashed to pieces, and Merlin – fearing for his life because surely Uther would have him beheaded for being a pervert – legged it all the way back to Gaius' rooms. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it was he tried to catch his breath. Gaius merely responded with a raised eyebrow at his antics.

"Well?"

"Huh?"

"Did she take the potion?"

"Oh that, right, well, no, I sort of dropped it."

"On the way there? Honestly Merlin, why do I bother-?"

"No I dropped it in her rooms," Merlin confessed quickly.

"_Merlin_!"

"She was accusing me of undressing her with my eyes!" Merlin wailed. "I panicked!"

"Were you?" Gaius asked suspiciously.

Merlin shifted uncomfortably as he found himself unable to answer Gaius. "I have to go to bed," he announced suddenly. "Arthur has lots of chores for me to do tomorrow."

As he ran past Gaius he swore he heard him mutter, "teenagers and their hormones," under his breath.

MMMMMM

"OH MY GOD HE HAS A GIANT GREEN LANKY _**PENIS**_!"

That was how Merlin greeted Gaius during his lunch break. Once again Merlin was pressed against his door, out of breath, and had a 'deer in torch light' look about him. Gaius merely blinked up at his ward over his reading glasses.

"_I beg your pardon_?" he said.

"Jonas," Merlin panted, "Lady Catrina's servant, I was in her room, you know cleaning, and he-he-he-he well, he dismissed me, and as he turned there was this weird, green, floppy thing, like a giant stem from a flower, or a large leek or something, it was disgusting, and weird, and I'm certain it's his _penis_!"

"Merlin!" Gaius cried out a little scandalised. He then, very logically, asked, "Are you sure this Jonas fella just had a tail instead of a….well giant, green, lanky penis as you called it."

"Nope," Merlin said defiantly, "it was definitely a penis. I know one when I see it."

"I see," Gaius took his glasses off and pinned Merlin with an intense, icy blue, stare. "You do have quite a way with both men and women, don't you Merlin?" Merlin spluttered indignantly but Gaius ploughed on before he could come up with any coherent defence. "I understand, my dear boy, I had been there myself once, though admittedly it wasn't with something giant and green, you are young, and full of hormones rampaging through your system, but alas I cannot let you relieve yourself in your bedroom this time, your mother had asked me to do this but I have put it off as long as I can but now I realise that you are starting to explore….and well it's now best to have a little chat."

"A chat about what?" Merlin asked nervously.

He didn't like the sound of where this was heading to or how it might just relate to Jonas' weird penis, but naively, Merlin obeyed Gaius, and sat down and allowed him to continue.

"You see Merlin, when a man loves a woman, or indeed loves a fellow man…."

Three hours later Merlin found himself unable to ever look at anyone in the eye ever again.


	125. Invitation

**Summary: **Merlin does have an invitation to the party! It's just not really a party he wants to go to.

**Pairings: **Uther/Lady Catrina, Jonas/Merlin if you squint, and the tiniest mention of Merthur.

Merlin was seriously not in a good mood. After all in the last couple days his very boring life (which was never really that boring but for the last three months he had nothing but chores, hunting trips, and the odd assassination attempt which was incredibly boring in comparison) had been turned upside down by what should have been a stunning and kind noble lady but was actually a troll. Since the so called Lady Catrina had arrived, Merlin has been accused of being a pervert, overheard Uther say some really disgusting things, been tricked, been locked up in a pile of muck, had to battle magic retarded stones (seriously did Uther have this magically protected _or something_?!) and now was being held in a very unattractive and painful headlock but a stinky forest creature that tricked him.

And was a bit sleazy but that was an entirely different matter.

"I'm glad to say that you were not invited!" Jonas hissed in his head before he threw Merlin onto the floor.

(And did his back in a little, another thing to complain about later.)

"_Actually_ I was," Merlin corrected the weird, tailed creature, he then fumbled in his pocket and held out a crumpled bit of card. "See?"

Jonas stared at Merlin bewildered before he hesitatingly took the invitation from Merlin's hand. "Marvin, Martin, whatever your name is, you are hereby invited to witness the matrimonial ceremony between His Royal Highness King Uther Pendragon the first of his name to the Lady Catrina, on the – oh the rest doesn't matter!" Jonas snapped interrupting himself. "How do I know it's meant for you, it says Marvin and Martin, and even whatever your name is. Perhaps this invitation is for three brothers, one whose mother was so sick of picking names had just decided to call him that, instead of for you."

"Maybe," Merlin agreed cheerfully, "I wouldn't even be surprised if that's the case but it is an invitation to the wedding, and it is addressed for someone beginning with M, and that is me, and Uther is known for calling me whatever your name is, or whoever you are, and the boy, and even slave at one occasion."

"Nasty," Jonas commented.

"He is," Merlin muttered darkly, "but for some reason he likes me!" he trilled cheerfully. "I entertain him and protect his son, and for some reason he really enjoys my company."

_In the stocks_, he failed to add.

"Oh all right then," Jonas gave in, "if you were invited I can't really stop you. After all it would ruin all of my mistress' plans if Uther beheaded me for not allowing his favourite servant to attend his own wedding."

"Thank you!"

"See you the next time, Merlin!" Jonas replied equally cheerful.

Unfortunately Fate really wanted Uther to marry a troll (the Great Dragon had to get his kicks from somewhere as a young warlock and his prince were being terribly slow at the other thing) and Merlin entered just as Uther started to snog his newly wedded wife.

"Oh God!" Merlin moaned as he turned a light green.

He then proceeded to puke all over Lady What's Her Face's brand new shoes.

Uther was delighted in having Merlin put in the stocks on his special day.


	126. Beauty and the Beast Slash Edition

**Summary: **Did anyone else wonder why in the first bedroom scene Arthur was shirtless on top of the covers and then in the second bedroom scene he wore a white night shirt and got into the bed covers? Especially when the only major difference between that scenes was that Arthur had no manservant in the second one? Hmmm….

**Pairings: **Implied Lady Catrina/Merlin and lots and lots of lovely Merthur.

"Please tell me you weren't spying on Lady Catrina."

It really wasn't Merlin's night. He had hoped with Arthur sound asleep he would have been able to spy on Lady Catrina without any hassle but unfortunately, after the fright he had gotten, Arthur had given him another fright and was immediately interrogating him.

"It's not what it seems!"

_Damnit!_ That just made him sound incredibly guilty, which he was, but not in the way Arthur thinks he is, but that won't stop Arthur putting him in the stocks, or Uther flogging him, or something insanely cruel just because Merlin took a peek at the most hideous woman in the history of ugly females.

"Yes, _Mer_lin, it's exactly what it seems." Arthur said incredibly patronising, as always the prat, "You have led a sheltered life, you have no social skills whatsoever, I understand, Catrina is an attractive woman, and if I ever catch you again I will feed you to the dogs."

Merlin swallowed absolutely terrified. He loved normal dogs, adorable cute puppies, big fluffy mutts, the ones that were truly man's best friend, but Arthur's dogs? _Trained killers_. They were _deadly_. They were_ horrible_. They have chewed up Merlin's neckerchiefs _one time too many_! They liked the _taste _of Merlin! Merlin may have gotten a tiny bit hysterical right now.

"Especially," Arthur continued with a growl. "Since you decided to ignore this gorgeous view in order to spy on that old biddy."

"_What_ gorgeous view?" Merlin asked bewildered.

Did Arthur mean Camelot? It was pretty at night but having lived in the citadel for the last year had sort of made Merlin immune to it. Did he mean the spotless and richly decorated chambers? Merlin couldn't enjoy that _gorgeous view_ seeing as he made it that way and all he can think resentfully is how Arthur is incapable of cleaning up after himself.

"_This_ gorgeous view!" Arthur shouted.

He then swept a hand over his shirtless chest.

Oh.

_Oh!_

"Oh, that gorgeous view," Merlin widened his eyes, "erm…why am I supposed to be admiring it?"

"Aside from the fact that I am your prince," Arthur said through gritted teeth, "I have been waiting on the bed for you."

"I did wonder why you were sleeping on top of your covers, shirtless, in tight black trousers, especially since its spring and not really that warm out," Merlin babbled.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur warned.

"Shut up?" Merlin offered meekly.

"Exactly."

And then, despite what Arthur said, he proceeded to do delicious things to Merlin that didn't shut him up.

Repeatedly.

Quite often.

In fact it went to the point it was a relief Lady Catrina accused Merlin of thievery and he had to go on the run otherwise Camelot would still be under the control of a smelly troll.


	127. The End of the World

**Summary: **I found one aspect of the Beauty and the Beast episodes particularly disturbing…

**Pairings: **Implied Lady Catrina/Uther.

It was a nice normal day. The sun was shining, there was no magical beasts, witches, or assassins on the prowl, and no wars to be fought. For Knight 426 it was a lovely day.

That is…until he saw the most horrible, terrifying, disturbing, horrifying, terrible, _evil_ sight in the world…

The end of the world was staring at him straight in the face.

He screamed.

"OH MY GOD! UTHER PENDRAGON IS _**SMILING!**_!"

A serving girl heard him and screamed before she dropped the fruit on the floor and rang to alert the rest of the castle.

Mass panic.

After all Uther never smiled and if he did it meant only one thing….

The world was ending.


	128. Beauty and the Beast Slash Conclusion

**Summary: **How the second part of Beauty and the Beast should have ended.

**Pairings: **MERTHUR!

"So…thank you."

Merlin couldn't help but grin. Arthur thanked him. Arthur virtually acknowledged that he, Merlin the idiotic servant, had been right while he, Arthur the prattish prince, had been wrong. Then Arthur leaned in which made Merlin's stomach explode in giddy fireworks. All his good work was going to be acknowledge with a manly, non-sexual, BFF hug. Yay! However when Merlin also leaned in too, arms spread out it had caused Arthur to take a step back.

"Whoa!" he said eyes wide. "What are you doing?"

"I thought you were going in for a hug," Merlin pouted. He felt a little rejected by his so called friend.

"No…" Arthur shook his head. He looked mildly horrified at touching Merlin. "No," he repeated but this time he smirked a little. That infuriating Pendragon smirk that made Merlin want to punch him. "I was going in for this."

And then suddenly Merlin found himself pinned against a tapestry (and stone cold wall) as Arthur slipped his tongue in his mouth.

Meanwhile, having lost all of his appetite at the memories of his recently ended marriage, Uther Pendragon strolled out of the dining chamber only to be bombarded by the horrifying sight of his son snogging his man servant.

Hands everywhere, the idiot had a leg wrapped round his son's waist, and lots of moaning and groaning.

Ugh.

"Oh well," he muttered to himself, "at least he isn't snogging a troll."

And with that thought in mind Uther Pendragon dashed off to the privy chamber so he can puke some more.


	129. Arthurella and Cindermorgs

**Summary: **Not satisfied with just having Arthur disinherited Lady Catrina turns both him and Morgana into servants. Thank God they have a fairy godmother!

**Pairings: **Lady Catrina/Uther, mentions of Gwen/Arthur, Gwen/Morgana friendship, Morgana/Jewellery/Silk dresses, Merthur, and some Morgana/Merlin.

"You are to be disinherited with immediate effect," Uther commanded, "You are no longer Crown Prince."

Arthur felt his heart drop to his stomach. It was his worst fear realised and yet something he had never thought his father would do at the same time. How could his father do this to him? Hadn't he proved himself worthy with all those battles, duels, tournaments, and witch hunts he conducted on his father's behalf? Hadn't he bettered himself with those lessons, with his attitude adjustment, and his thorough study of the knight's code? Hadn't he helped improve Camelot, defend its walls and people, and strived to improve their living conditions? Had he basically been the perfect prince anyone could ask for?

(Don't let Merlin answer that it was far too obvious what his answer would be.)

Fortunately Arthur was not alone in that thought as Gaius stepped forward beseechingly to his father. "Sire, Arthur is your son, your natural heir-"

"Gaius!" Arthur interrupted disapprovingly. As much as it cheered him to know that Gaius was at his corner he had to defend himself in order to regain his father's respect and trust back. "You have always taught me to stay true to my heart and that's all I'm trying to do, to be the man you wanted me to be, to be the man you call son."

"I fear you were right my love," Uther said as he turned to his wife, having ignored everything Arthur just said in favour of staring at his wife lovingly (_ick_!). "Arthur will be a trouble just simply disinherited."

_Oh God_, what did _that_ mean?

"Father?" Arthur questioned warily.

"It appears you cannot be trusted at all," Uther declared, "As long as you are visible to the Court there will be people rising in your name. Therefore I have decided to lower your status even further," he took a deep breath. You are to work in the kitchens to learn to be humble and obedient."

"What?" Arthur felt numb.

He was to be a servant. _A servant_! He was going to be doing _Merlin's_ job! He had a feeling that somewhere, wherever that idiot is, Merlin was laughing at him right now.

Catrina tugged at Uther's sleeve and whispered something in his ear. Arthur grimaced as he wondered what was going to happen next. Perhaps she was suggesting he should spend the afternoon in the stocks, after all, why the hell not since he was no longer the prince?

Uther nodded and pulled away. After he cleared his throat he said something entirely unexpected. "Morgana too."

"WHAT?!"

Morgana stood up, skirts swishing round her ankles, and glowered furiously at Uther. Arthur really didn't blame her. It wasn't as if she was to inherit the throne that Catrina so obviously desired so there was no need to lower her status.

"Catrina pointed out to me that the reason we have to raise the taxes had been to cover the costs of your dresses," Uther pointed out. Morgana spluttered indignantly which Arthur silently agreed with as Morgana had her own money from her birth parents to spend on dresses and the only new dresses coming in right now had all been made for Catrina. "Therefore you need to learn the value of money and all the hard work that goes into it to earn it."

"Like you did?" Morgana spat out logically.

After all Arthur was certain that his father never learned the value of money with all these wars, witch hunts, and banquets to celebrate said witch hunts.

"Get these servants out!" Uther ordered.

As they were being dragged out, gently by Leon who looked at them guiltily, Arthur really wished he had Merlin with him still.

Because at least then he would have someone to still boss around while he was a servant.

MMMMMMMMMM

It wasn't too bad.

Oh, all right. That's a lie. It was _bloody awful_! Not only did Arthur have to do work he never had done before in his life but he had none of his comforts, none of his precious mementos, and far too much pity in the world. Everyone in the kitchen kept staring at him with pity and he was certain he was going to drown in it.

He had no room, and there was no bed to spare, and therefore he ended up sleeping by the fireplace in the kitchen with Morgana.

Morgana.

She was the worst of it all! Like him she had no idea what to do but unlike him she whined, she cried each time she broke a nail (which was often), and screamed the bloody castle down each time she encountered something disgusting.

Which became more and more regular as it was revealed his father's new wife was actually a troll. Merlin was so singing 'I told you so' wherever he was, Arthur will have to hit him for it later, and order him to bath him. Arthur misses baths.

No seriously he did.

Not only was he constantly covered in sweat from carrying heavy objects, mucking the stables out, working in a hot kitchen, etc. etc. etc. but he was covered in soot, dung, and rotten food.

It made him incredibly unattractive to Guinevere but fortunately it turned out they were not to be after all. After a handful of awkward conversations with her that were abruptly interrupted by a weeping Morgana who needed Guinevere to dress her, or untangle her hair, or fix her nails, Arthur realised they had very little in common.

"I miss proper food," he moaned as he shivered.

Not just because it was a rather cold night but because this evening he had to serve rotten fish guts to his father and stepmother, and he witnessed his father…._oh God!_ He was about to puke again.

"I miss my bed," Morgana moaned.

"So do I," Arthur agreed, "and my rooms, and my swords, and my throne…"

"I miss my makeup, jewellery, and fine clothes," Morgana scratched at her arm.

They both had rashes from the poor quality wool they now wore. Arthur really wondered how Merlin managed to cope all of these years. "I miss my dogs, and my knights, and Father."

"Eh," Morgana shrugged. "At least I still have Gwen."

"I even miss _Merlin_!" Arthur wailed. "Don't you dare ever tell him I said that!"

Morgana smirked but it was very half-hearted. "How can I when he's a fugitive?" she asked sadly. "I miss him too."

"I wish that troll never came here."

"I wish we had a fairy godmother," Morgana sighed.

"Morgana!"

"What?"

"You can't wish for a magical creature!"

"You surely can't believe all magic is evil," Morgana protested. Arthur didn't know why but there was something fearful and upset about Morgana when she had said that. "After all, you saved that druid boy, and the unicorn, and-"

"All right, all right," Arthur interrupted, "I don't believe all magic is evil but you have to admit something evil has definitely enchanted Father."

"Doesn't stop me from wishing we had a fairy godmother to make this all right though," Morgana muttered darkly.

And sadly, Arthur had to agree with her.

MMMMMMMMM

It was as if someone eavesdropped on them and decided to fulfil their wish.

The next day they woke up to find some very decent food, a fresh change of clothes, and a small sprig of lavender for Morgana waiting innocently for them. Not only that but all their chores been done for them!

This repeated day after day.

Alongside with some additional gifts, for example one night Arthur woke up to find a blanket had been draped over both him and Morgana, and then another day he found a small dagger for him (it wasn't quite a sword but it was enough to make him smile), and another day Morgana received her jewellery box back.

Morgana (who acted quite like his stepmother as she rolled in her necklaces giddily) thought nothing off it other than a miracle but Arthur held strong suspicions there was an agenda afoot. After all, what if Catrina accused them of stealing and they end up banished, or what if someone was setting them up for a fall, or trying to murder them, or win Morgana's hand in marriage?

Determined to catch whoever this new villain was, Arthur faked sleep (and almost fell asleep five times!), and well past midnight did something sneak in, trip over something, swear, and then moved to cover Arthur in the blanket again.

Arthur pounced.

"EEK!"

"_What the hell_?!" Morgana demanded as she sat up.

Arthur was too busy wrestling his assailant when suddenly he cried out, "Get off of me you big, fat, prat!"

"_**MERLIN**_?!"

"What are you doing here?" Arthur demanded, he also sat up, pulled Merlin up, and hugged him tightly, but if Merlin was to tell anyone else that he will deny it. "You're supposed to be on the run! How did you get back?"

"Oh I never left," Merlin said as he rubbed Arthur's back comfortingly, "I've been hiding under your bed all this time."

"You _what_?!" Arthur pulled back with a glare.

"Just kidding, just kidding," Merlin grinned stupidly, "well sort of, I did have a couple naps there, do you know you have far too many cushions under there?"

"I wouldn't have if my servant did his job properly!" Arthur snapped.

"I didn't realise servants had servants themselves."

"_Mer_lin!"

"All right, all right!"

"So," Morgana narrowed her eyes on Merlin, "you were the one who has been doing all those nice things for us, weren't you?"

"Well," Merlin grinned awkwardly, "I may not be a fairy or a woman ("That's incredibly debatable," Arthur muttered under his breath,) but I am your friend and you needed cheering up. Both of you."

"Oh Merlin!" Morgana gasped and then she swooped in and kissed him.

"Oi!" Arthur barked. "Hands off my manservant!"

Morgana ignored him, and after letting a very confused and rather dazed Merlin go, she flounced back to their pathetic excuse of a bed smugly. "So," Arthur coughed, still aware he sort of had Merlin pinned on the floor still, "have you been doing anything else other than trying to cheer us up?" he asked.

"Well…" Merlin scratched his ear. "Gaius and I may have come up with a way to break that enchantment on your father."

"Tell me!"

Merlin grimaced. "You're not going to like it," he warned.

And you know what? He was _right_ again, bloody smug servant.

MMMMMMMMMM

After almost dying, killing his stepmother, having his father cry all over him, and then being reinvested as Crown Prince, there was nothing more that Arthur desired than to crawl into bed and sleep for years.

Unfortunately that was rather hard to do when one's manservant (who should be tucking him in right now!) is busy washing the floors of the castle.

Apparently the antidote to the deadly poison Arthur drank, in order to get his father to cry tears of remorse, had been shattered by Jonas (the creepy weirdo that the troll brought with her), and the only thing Merlin could think of was to drink it himself, keep it in his mouth, and insert it into Arthur's mouth via a kiss.

Uther, now somewhat back into his right senses (though that was rather debatable seeing as he just realised what he had been doing with a troll for the last five weeks), was instantly infuriated that some servant thought he could kiss his son, and was only lenient about it because Merlin did save Arthur's life.

And therefore that's why Merlin was cleaning Uther's chambers….which were covered in all sorts of dung and some sort Arthur's days old vomit.

"Honestly, _Mer_lin," Arthur drawled, "a kiss?"

"I know," Merlin grinned, "I don't know what I was thinking. Morgana was the better kisser, and prettier too."

Determined to keep Merlin's stupid mind off Morgana, who was now in her bed chambers rolling around and moaning into her silk dresses as Gwen took care of her, Arthur snatched up a handful of dung and threw it at his manservant.

Which caused a huge out and out dung war until Uther walked in and ordered them out (and to get a bath), as well as promising that Merlin will spend the day in the stocks tomorrow.

_Goddamnit!_ Who was going to feed, dress, and take care of Arthur's every need? Not George, please not George, Arthur wasn't sure if he had forgiven him for accidentally knocking him out with the bucket last week.

Quick to obey his father Arthur promptly ordered Merlin to make him a bath.

And boy was it good to have Merlin bathe him again.


	130. Under Arthur's Bed

**Summary: **Inspired by a Black Books episode. There is something awesome under Arthur's bed.

**Pairings: **background Lady Catrina/Uther, Merlin/New Love, implied very much in his head Arthur/OC, and of course, our beloved Merthur.

It had been an exhausting day for Merlin. First he had to help Gaius make the most revolting potion in the universe, no in all of time and space, because seriously no one could ever find a more disgusting taste in the universe ever. And he means _ever_! So after making what Gaius had called the most complicated potion in the known world without actually being magical (which by the way took all night and therefore neither got any sleep) Merlin had been forced into tasting it. _Urgh!_ Then Merlin had to play super sleuth again, and sneak into Catrina the troll's chambers, avoid Jonas the creepy tailed dude, and then run off to clean Arthur's chambers (because no one bothered to assign a new servant to him while Merlin was apparently a fugitive), play hide and seek with everyone (Gwen almost caught him five times, Leon two times, and he may have accidentally staggered into Morgana's bedroom once or twice), reveal the truth about Uther's brand new wife, and then spend a large amount of time bashing his head against a wall as Uther still stared adoringly at his new wife. Then he had to visit the Great Dragon for some advice (and he wouldn't _stop_ laughing!) and then he sat there for another few hours trying to figure out a way to make Uther cry tears of remorse.

So after dinner he stood up eagerly and clapped his hands. "Right off to bed!" he declared before he went straight for the door. "After all I'll be in need of a nap before I approach Arthur on our plan to sort of kill him."

"_Merlin_!"

Oh God no, what _now?_

"Yes, Gaius?" he smiled a very fake smile.

"Your bedroom is that way," Gaius pointed to the door on his right.

"Oh yeah," Merlin shifted his feet, he didn't want Gaius to know the truth, if he did he might not allow Merlin to ever leave the tower ever again. "Not right now. I'm staying elsewhere…just in case. You never know if Uther and his men charge in here to arrest me."

"I see," Gaius said suspiciously.

"So night, Gaius!"

"Good night Merlin."

And at that Merlin threw open the door, jumped every other step, and ran down the corridor before anyone could see him again.

MMMMMMMMMMM

"Have you been there all this time?"

Okay, major confession time – his new top secret, number one comfort spot, the best place to hide ever….is under Arthur's bed.

Why?

More on that later.

"Yes" Merlin said immediately and then his brain, and Arthur's sword at his throat, made him backtrack. "…well no, I spend the days trying to break the spell on your father and show everyone the truth, but at night. Yeah! Who do you think cleans your room at night?" he asked, did Arthur think he had been replaced? Who had he been talking to, George? Oh god not _George_, George hated him.

"I…err…thought it was brownies," Arthur confessed.

"Brownies?" Merlin questioned. "As in the cake?"

"No as in the magical elf creature that cleans."

Merlin blinked up at his gloriously prattish prince. "Arthur…are you considering that not all magic is evil?"

"Of course not!" Arthur shouted aghast. "Have you seen what it's done to Father? I just really want someone magical clean my chambers. They'll do a better job than you."

"Prat."

"Idiot," was Arthur's immediate reply. "So why exactly have you spent the last two weeks hiding under my bed?"

"Err…"

MMMMMMM

"Merlin where are you going?"

Arthur was now laying on his stone cold floor dead (don't worry it wasn't for long) and dressed in some of his finest but sombre clothes ("I have to look my best, _Mer_lin, what would Father say if I killed myself wearing nothing but my nightshirt?"), and Gaius was supposed to go and fetch Uther to tell him that his son was dead when he spotted Merlin crawl back under Arthur's bed.

"Why leave the room?" Merlin asked logically. "It's just stupid, Jonas or Catrina might catch me, and try to prevent me from giving Arthur the antidote. I'll hide under here, thanks."

"Very well," Gaius said, "in fact that is rather genius of you Merlin."

It was then when Gaius heard something rather suspicious. A clinking of glasses, the splashing sound of liquid, and the gasping sound of air being drawn in. instead of fetching Uther, Gaius bent down and peered under the bed when he saw something incredibly unexpected.

"Hang on is that a _bar_ under there?"

Merlin was gulping down a strange neon green cocktail. "Yeah," he said blissfully, "how awesome is that? Now I can deal with Arthur absolutely pissed while I'm at work."

"_Merlin!_"

"Martini, sir?" the small bartender asked him.

It took five drinks, several naughty jokes about nuns entering pubs, and ten long rants from Merlin about what a prat Arthur was for Gaius to remember he left the prince dying on his floor.

Fortunately the plan went smoothly despite the delay.

MMMMMMMMMM

Arthur, very cheerful now his stepmother from hell (literally) was dead, crawled into his newly laundered bed sheets. He was absolutely exhausted, not only was being dead tiring, but so was killing his stepmother, ordering Merlin to clean his room, and having a disturbing heart to heart chat with his father (he was still unsure what was scarier the fact his father had sex with a troll or the fact that his father had _sex)_. So now he was ready to just sleep for days on end only to wake when Merlin presents him a delicious breakfast.

_Hiccup._

Arthur's eyes shot open at that strange sound. What on earth was that?

_Hiccup._

There it was again! Was it a monster? His stepmother coming back to haunt him? A magical fairy that cleaned his chambers (because honestly Merlin did a crap job he could still smell the dung of his stepmother wafting round the room)? Or was it some assassin coming to kill him?

_Hiccup._

It was coming from somewhere near him. With his eyes closed he tried to seek out the noise with his awesomely super-powered ears that also looked dashing and rather handsome unlike Merlin's giant ears that belonged on an elephant.

_Hiccup._

His eyes shot open again. He knew where it was coming from now. It was coming from under his bed.

_Hiccup._

He flew out of bed, grabbed his sword, and then yanked his sheets up and revealed -

_Hiccup._

Merlin, lounging on some cushions, empty glass in hand, and absolutely drunk out of his mind.

"What _the hell_ are you doing under there?!" Arthur roared before Merlin could speak. He grabbed his manservant by the scruff of his neck, dragged him out, and threw him out bodily from his chambers before he bolted his door. "If I catch you in here again I'll have you in the stocks till a food shortage!" Arthur roared through the door. "You bloody stalker!" and then, a strange realisation kicked into his senses, "Hang on!" he said as he rushed back to his bed. "Why is there a bar under my bed?"

"Sex on the Beach, sire?" the miniature bartender offered him.

"Err…" Arthur mumbled rather startled and disturbed. "No thanks, Merlin isn't here, we're nowhere near a beach, and you're so not my type."


	131. I Have Magic!

**Summary: **Parody of that I am Spartacus scene that I have only ever seen in fan fiction (having never watched the film that they parody over and over again).

**Pairings: **implied Morgana/Merlin, parental Gaius/Merlin, Gwen/Arthur/Merlin, and brotherly Arthur/Morgana

Morgana sat in her own version of a throne that Uther had lovingly given her years ago. She was certain she would lose it soon as her worst fear was about to be realised. Uther was going to find out the truth about her magic. How could he not when he has a professional sneaking around the castle and staring at her in a very creepy manner.

"The sorcerer laughs in your face. Even now magic flourishes on the streets of Camelot," Aredian told Uther bluntly.

Quite frankly if anyone else had spoken to Uther they would have been thrown into the cells or the stocks. The fact that Aredian had gotten away with it spoke volumes about how much power that Aredian held over Uther.

"I can scarcely believe it," Uther murmured in disbelief.

"Yet it is the truth," Aredian said in his usual smarmy tone. His eyes skimmed over back to her and she clutched the handles of her throne terrified. She hadn't done any of the things that the witnesses had reported but that won't stop Uther. He'll kill her the moment someone said she had magic, whether she did or not. "My Lord. Fortunately I've utilised every facet of my craft to bring this matter to a swift resolution."

Oh God, here it is, he was going to tell Uther.

"The sorcerer?" Uther leaned in eagerly. "You have a suspect?"

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God….

She was going to be burnt at the stake, or beheaded, or something even more painful and torturous. Maybe Arthur will save her, he used to when they were children and she had accidentally burnt Uther's favourite jacket that one time, but then Arthur was as anti-magic as his father, would he also throw her to the pyre?

_Oh God_…perhaps if she closed her eyes really tight then she would wake up and this nightmare will be over.

"Oh, I do, My Lord," Aredian said in his usual slimy tone. "I regret to say, they stand among us in this very room." _Oh my fucking God!_ She was _so_ dead. "My methods are infallible, my findings incontestable! The facts point to one person and one person alone-"

"I have magic!" she screamed.

There is a moment of silence and when she opens her eyes she could see Aredian smirking, Uther looking horrified, and dear, sweet Merlin staring at her with fear and worry.

"As you see, My Lord-"

"NO!" Merlin yelled. "I have magic!" he declared.

_Oh Merlin_! She thought almost dreamily despite her fear that was eating her up from the inside. Of course he would throw himself in the flames on her behalf. He did the same for Gwen when he was in love with her. A small giddy part of her danced at the idea of Merlin being in love with her.

"No," Arthur stood up, angry and righteous as ever, "I have magic."

Morgana couldn't help but smile. Arthur had chosen her (and Merlin) over Uther, he had preferred her safety over pleasing his father. The best adoptive brother in the universe.

"No!" Gwen shrieked as she stepped in front of Morgana. "I have magic."

Oh sweet Gwen!

"No," Gaius firmly pushed Merlin behind him, "I have magic."

Dearly beloved Gaius, the man that had protected her, took care of her, and nursed her back to health, had now stood to Uther in order to protect her, as well as Merlin, Arthur, and Gwen.

"No," a very much unexpected voice shouted, "I have magic!"

"Sir Leon," Arthur murmured surprised. Morgana shared that surprise.

And then there was an explosion of noise as Aredian stood there smirking. Knights declared they had practiced sorcery, noble ladies and their serving girls confessed to witchcraft, and noble men, Uther's councilors, professed to dabble into the dark arts. Slowly, eventually, Aredian's smirk vanished as he realised that Uther was in too much shock to pay him.

"I cannot believe it," Uther murmured dumbstruck, "my entire kingdom is infested in magic. All my good work…worthless….my own children….there is no other choice left to me now," he stood up, took his crown off, and passed it to Arthur, "I abdicate. You can rule this evil, magic ridden land, on your own. I'm going on vacation."

There was a moment of silence as Uther stormed out of the great hall and then suddenly the entire castle erupted into cheers.


	132. Pregnant?

**Summary: **The guards come up with their own (totally wrong) conclusion.

**Pairings:** Merthur! And implied Merlin/Lancelot.

Merlin tried to be as sneaky as possible. After all he had to get Arthur out of the castle or he'll make Merlin's life more miserable than he usually did. Put him in the stocks constantly, sabotage his attempt to do chores and put him down, and trip him up persistently until Gwen or Morgana told him off. So he chose to stroll up towards Arthur's heavily guarded chambers with the most innocent facial expression he can muster up.

"Evening," he said as sweetly as possible.

"Hello Merlin!" Both guards chorused.

"Gotta check in on the prince there," he said indicating the door, "can't have his royal highness die of starvation or thirst now, can we?"

"Of course not," Guard One said horrified, "Uther would have our heads on a silver platter."

Merlin was just about to go through the door when one of the guard's grabbed hold of his arm and yanked him back. "You okay, Merlin?" Guard Two asked. "You look rather bloated."

Merlin laughed nervously. He didn't want the guards to realise he had a large length of rope wrapped around his waist. It was incredibly uncomfortable and he had enough trouble getting it around his waist without Gaius noticing that he really didn't want to get caught with it on. And then it would have made having miles of rope creeping around his penis entirely pointless.

Honestly he didn't get paid enough for this job.

"Yeah, fine," Merlin said cheerfully, "just sick and tired of that Prat you're guarding."

"But you look thicker," Guard Two said suspiciously. "You were a lot thinner when I last saw you."

"Oh…erm…well I suppose I've been eating a bit more," Merlin stuttered.

"But it isn't all of your body," Guard One noted.

"Just your stomach."

"Hang on…" Merlin's heart skipped a beat. If they realised that he was smuggling rope to the crown prince they might hand him over to Uther for a flogging or something just as nasty. "Weight gain…"

"That glowing look."

Eh? What_ glowing look_?

"Sick and tired all the time."

"But been eating more."

"Oh my God, you're pregnant!" The two guards concluded in unison.

"_What?_!" Merlin blurted out.

"You are pregnant," Guard One said slowly as if Merlin was so stupid, "after all you gained weight, and have been feeling sick despite the fact that you have been eating more and more."

"I said that I was sick and tired of Arthur!" Merlin wailed. "Not that I've been sick. It's just ordinary weight gain! Nothing more, nothing less."

"Oh my God, Prince Arthur!" Guard Two yelped.

"What about him?" Guard One asked.

"He's the father!"

"_**What?!"**_ Merlin shouted horrified.

"Oh my God, yes, that makes so much sense….unless…" Guard Two turned to look at Merlin suspiciously. "You haven't been spending time with Lancelot again have you?"

"NO!" Merlin shouted. "Can I please go through?"

"Of course," Guard One said kindly, "we cannot keep you away from the father of your child."

"_I'm not pregnant_!" Merlin all but screamed.

He was certain he was getting an aneurysm as he spoke to these two, incredibly stupid it is a wonder that they are still alive, palace guards.

"Oh my God did you miscarry?!"

"_Mer_lin!" Arthur yelped as his manservant slammed the door in the guards' faces, and then proceeded to bash his head repeatedly against the door. "What on earth are you doing? You cannot afford to lose any more brain cells!"


	133. A Party to Remember

**Summary: **the knighting feast ends unexpectedly. AU of 2x08.

**Pairings: **some implied Merthur.

It was a normal knighting ceremony which meant Merlin had to serve Arthur more and more wine until he was so drunk that Merlin had to carry him to bed, and yes it was difficult, and no it wasn't because Arthur was so freaking heavy but had everything to do with the fact Arthur was a handsy and incredibly affectionate drunk.

Merlin's left buttock still hadn't felt the same from the last knighting ceremony.

He stood there, stiff and tired and really desperate to go to bed, in the back of the great hall as Arthur and Uther stood there looking like complete prats as they knighted a new bunch of complete morons, when suddenly the doors burst open and someone in full armour marched in.

Merlin fought the urge to roll his eyes when the knight took of his gauntlet and threw it down onto the floor, issuing his challenge. What is it with knights and their damn duels, and their stupid honour, and their nonsensical need to fight all the time?

Arthur went to pick it up.

_Fucking Prat. _

It annoys Merlin to no end that the man he is supposed to be protecting is always trying to get himself killed in stupid duels to the death like this one is likely to be.

Strangely enough though the knight placed his sword between Arthur's hand and the gauntlet. "No," a rather suspiciously feminine voice echoed from the helmet, "my challenge is not for you."

"Then who is it for?" Arthur asked.

The knight lifted up his sword and pointed it directly at Merlin. He could hear Morgana gasp, Gwen let out a small shrill scream, Gaius yelp, and many other people muttering. Arthur just looked bugged eyed while all Merlin could think was – _what the hell?!_

"_Mer_lin," Arthur snapped, "don't squeak. You are a man, even if you do act like a girl's petticoat, now address the challenge like a good honourable – well come on! Even Morgana, a girl, would have picked up a sword by now." The knight took his helmet off to reveal that she was a she! This only caused Arthur to laugh derisively. "There you go Merlin, nothing to worry about, just a girl to fight. I'm sure even you can win this one – _Ouch_! Morgana!"

Morgana utterly refused to apologise for kicking Arthur, he deserved it.

"My name is Morgause," the female knight declared, "and I am here for revenge."

And with that she leaps into an attack against Merlin. He barely had time to jump back and avoid the swing of her sword. Uther found himself sitting back down on his throne, very much amused by the cat and mouse game the random knight and his son's manservant were performing for him.

"What did I ever do to you?!" Merlin screamed as he duck under the table.

Morgause missed him and ended up hacking the gigantic turkey that was for supper into two. "You killed my guardian," she snarled as she circled round the table. Merlin could be heard whimpering under it. "The great and powerful high priestess – Nimueh!"

This caught Uther's interest as he suddenly leaned forwards and levelled a frightened Merlin with a piercing look. "You killed Nimueh?" he inquired. "My God, you are loyal to Camelot in a way I would never have expected. This boy," he declared to the hall, "has done Camelot a great justice with his act of bravery-"

"His act of _murder_!" Morgause corrected him as she swung again, only to miss once more as Merlin leaped behind Morgana and clutched to her fearfully. "Let go you coward, and fight me like a man!"

"- as he has ridden Camelot one of her enemies. Therefore he deserves a reward," Uther carried on as if Morgause wasn't trying to murder said hero in front of him, and that said hero was using his precious ward as a shield right now. "He should be made into a Lord. Geoffrey prepare a title for Marvin."

"_Merlin_," Merlin corrected as he now barely ducked in time from another swing of Morgause's sword. "My name is _Merlin_."

"Whatever," Uther waved his hand dismissively.

Very fortunately Merlin managed to get out of the hall, Morgause followed him, and without the peering eyes of the entirety of Camelot, Merlin managed to cast a spell to knock the insane female knight out.

This only continued to impress Uther even more. "Geoffrey, prepare another title for Martin, as reward of his valiant capture of a dangerous witch."

"_Merlin_," Merlin corrected

"Whatever."

The feast ended with great celebration as everyone spoke of Merlin's bravery and how much they looked forward to his ennoblement.

In fact the only two people who didn't enjoy themselves was Morgause, who was now chained up in the dungeons, and Arthur who was sulking over the fact that Merlin wouldn't be able to wash his socks anymore.


	134. Forgotten A Spell?

**Summary: **Merlin had forgotten to take a spell off Gaius.

**Pairings: **Some implied Merthur as usual.

Both Merlin and Arthur were rather shaken up.

It wasn't that much of a surprise to anyone, after all, they had just spent the last two days single-handedly fighting immortal knights. What they did know was the reason Merlin looked like he could take a long walk off a short roof was due to the fact he had just successfully poisoned one of his friends, and he had no choice but to free the dragon which was likely to burn Camelot to the ground, and he was so incredibly tired that death would be a blessing not a curse.

Arthur, on the other hand, was forced to endure his father's fury and grief. Although he had single-handedly (according to him because he thinks Merlin is fucking useless in any battle he has fought in) defeated seven immortal knights, he had just lost his foster sister to an evil witch.

So to say that the pair was subdued would be a complete understatement.

"It's not your fault," Merlin tried to reassure the sulking Arthur.

"How can you say that?" Arthur demanded, "I left her in your care. Why the hell did I do _that?!_ You're useless!"

"Excuse me!" Merlin snapped indignantly. "I doubt even you could fight against Morgause seeing as the last time she beat the living shit out of you. Which by the way was without magic, can you imagine how dead you would be in a fight when she is using it?"

"Oh…shut up, _Mer_lin!"

And there, just slightly, was the tiniest smile on Arthur's face, and that made Merlin smile a little bit. Not overly. Just…it was a glimmer of light in all of this darkness, or whatever clichéd nonsense that sounded sort of romantic.

In fact Arthur was so cheered up that he was about to lean in for a hug with Merlin. It was as if someone had casted a slow motion spell on him as he slowly unwrapped his arms and leaned in towards his far too skinny, pale, and dark haired manservant.

"_Merlin!_"

Arthur leaped away like a car that had been scolded by hot water as Merlin turned round to scowl at whoever ruined his possible hug from Arthur.

That was when he saw it.

It was far too horrible for words.

Arthur yelped and suddenly clutched Merlin to him.

It was…it was…it was…

Scary smiley face Gaius.

He had forgotten to take off that spell he casted on Gaius in attempt to wake him up. So there stood a drenched Gaius with glassy bright eyes, and the biggest, fakest, smile in all of Camelot looking scary as shit.

"Oops?" Merlin offered.

"Oops? _Oops?!_ I'll give you oops young man, you'll be cleaning the l-"

"Gaius!"

Merlin sighed a relief and slumped into Arthur's arms and Uther stormed down the corridor the opposite side Gaius had marched in from. Arthur, seeing his father and panicked since he was supposed to be a manly man and not a weak clinging girl like Merlin, dropped Merlin onto the floor.

"How could you be so _heartless_?" Uther demanded to know.

"I beg your pardon, sire?" Gaius tried to frown but the spell prevented it.

"Smiling! _Smiling! _When my little girl has just been kidnapped by the most evil witch I have ever come across, and _you are smiling_!" Uther looked like he was about to have a heart attack. If Merlin was the completely heartless type he might have started telepathically telling Uther to have one. "Why won't you stop smiling?! That's it! Guards! Take Gaius to the stocks until he learns what the appropriate emotional response is!"

If Gaius could, and Merlin was certain he was _trying_, he would send Merlin the dirtiest look in the world that could make him drop dead.

Hmm…perhaps now was the right time to set the Great Dragon free after all. That way Gaius won't be able to kill Merlin for _this._


	135. The Wrong Food Conclusion

**Summary: **Arthur has a theory.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Food and Arthur/Arthur.

Arthur had a new theory. It was the only reasonable explanation, after all _Mer_lin would never steal from him, he was too nice and stupid – Arthur would have caught him within seconds because Merlin's reflexes were far too slow – and Arthur was certain that the poor, miserable, and incredibly pathetic excuse of a manservant just babbled on a diet to explain the unexplainable. Because honestly, the kitchen staff wouldn't dare starve their dearly beloved crown prince (not if they wanted to keep their head on), that and Arthur _most certainly did __**not**_need a diet.

He was the handsomest prince in all of the five kingdoms. Fighting fit, slim, well built, muscled, and well-toned, a Greek God come to life… _he was not fat!_

Besides what would Merlin know about being fat? That boy was skinnier than the broomstick he uses to sweep Arthur's floors in the morning. He wouldn't know what a fat man was even if one came over and pushed him onto the ground, he was that stupid.

Therefore there was only one explanation, and he had no choice but to go to his father.

"Father," he declared as he pushed through the double doors dramatically. "I have reason to believe that someone with magic is stealing my food."

Uther blinked at his son. "I beg your pardon?"

"Someone is stealing my food," Arthur repeated, "_magically_."

"And where on earth did you get a silly idea like that from?" Uther mused. "After all I know magic users are evil, and untrustworthy, and dangerous, but they are not petty."

"My food keeps disappearing!"

"Are you sure you are not eating it?"

"**NO!**"

Uther sighed, he really didn't want to deal with his son's tantrums today. "Why don't you tell me what happened then," he said.

So Arthur explained, how his beautiful tender meat, delicious soft cheese, and luxurious bread turned into a rather mouldy piece with a rotten apple. How all of his sausages kept disappearing, how all of his food kept vanishing actually, and how it couldn't be Merlin, and therefore the only reasonable explanation had to be magic users.

"And you're certain that the kitchen staff hadn't put you on a diet?" Uther questioned.

"**I AM NOT FAT!"**

"Are you sure?" Uther eyed his son critically, "I'm a lot slimmer than you and I do nothing all day but sit in my throne and contemplate genocide."

"Father!" Arthur shouted entirely offended.

"I am just saying that it's better to preserve your body fighting fit than to keep gorging yourself on sausages and cakes," Uther said calmly to his son. "Perhaps the kitchen wanted to keep you the way you are."

"That's what Merlin said," Arthur muttered sulkily.

"Well he sounds like a very reasonable and intelligent lad, you should listen to him more," Uther smiled, "which one is Merlin again?"

Arthur face palmed but before he could say something Morgana burst through the doors. "Uther!" she shouted furiously. "Someone in the castle has been stealing my dresses!"

"This is the work of sorcery!" Uther declared. "Guards put Camelot on lockdown, sound the bells, search everywhere, I want every stone turned upside down in order to find those dresses!"

"W-w-w-w-what?!" Arthur spluttered indignantly. "That's not fair! _What about my food?_!"

No one paid him any attention as they ran off in search of Morgana's stupid dress. Arthur was now certain of it, he was going to be buried under the epitaph_: he starved to death._


	136. Motivation

**Summary**: The reason why the Great Dragon took a dive at Gwen in 2x13.

**Pairings:** Arthur/Gwen and implied Merthur.

Gwen was doing the brave and noble thing.

Fetching some clean water for all the patients in the castle, and while they may not sound all that brave (or noble), she was doing it while a great big stinking dragon was burning the entirety of Camelot down, and therefore she was rather brave. She was trying to do it as quickly as possible but strangely enough a bucket full of water is incredibly heavy and she was struggling to get it up in a pace faster than a snail.

"GUINEVERE!"

It was then she was suddenly made aware that a great, big, looming scaly, demonic eyed, fire-breathing, dragon was swooping directly towards her.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, this was so how she was going to die! A giant lizard was going to eat her, or burn her to a crisp, or send her flying into the castle and break every bone of her body, oh why the fuck didn't she listen to Gaius?!

Suddenly she is pushed onto the stone cold floor, and was pressed up against some very cold, metal, armour. In any other circumstances (in which Arthur was less dressed) Gwen would have really enjoyed being put in this position.

To her shock, the dragon then shouted something at her.

"THAT'S FOR RUINING MERTHUR, BITCH!"

"Did that dragon just call me a _bitch?_!" Gwen stared up at the flying lizard in disbelief as Arthur gently helped her back up on her feet. "What the _hell _did I do?!"

"Never mind that," Arthur said as he held onto the love of his life, "what the heck is a _Merthur_?"


	137. Extreme Makeover: Merlin Edition

**Summary: **Instead of Gwen catching Merlin it is Morgana, and therefore poor Merlin has to suffer the deadly consequences. AU of 2x09.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Freya, brief mention of Arthur/Gwen, and lots and lots of Merthur.

"Merlin?"

Merlin stiffened. It was the worst possible thing that could happen in this very moment. He had been caught but he hadn't been caught by sweet, naïve, and easily lied to Gwen, no he had been caught by the sharp, clever, and very intimidating Lady Morgana…the owner of the dress he was trying to steal.

Perhaps it was his own fault, he should have just nabbed any dress he could get his hands on, but he wanted something special, something very pretty, because Freya was an incredibly pretty girl and deserved something nice after the crap she just had to deal with.

"Lady Morgana!" He exclaimed as he clutched the pretty dark purple gown to his chest. "I…erm…thought you were out."

"_Obviously_," Morgana drawled out coolly. "Now what are you doing to my dress?"

"Moths!"

"_Moths_?" Morgana repeated disbelievingly. "Merlin, there has never been a single moth in my wardrobe due to the candles Gwen lights especially."

"Okay," Merlin said nervously, "not moths."

"Then _what?_"

"I…err…well you see…"

Then suddenly Morgana touched his arm gently and he became thoroughly speechless. She stared at him with a sweet sympathy that made him want to cry into her shoulder until she told him everything was going to be all right. "Don't worry, Merlin," she reassured him, "I understand."

"You do?"

He all but crumpled at that. He wasn't going to be beheaded for stealing the King's Ward's underwear (not that that was what he was doing. After all he wasn't Arthur).

"I do," she smiled very sweetly at him, "after all I like pretty things too."

"It is very pretty," Merlin agreed.

It would look beautiful on Freya who had Morgana's colouring though none of her elegance – but who needed that, when they could have Freya's sweet smile, and kind soul, and very blue eyes?

"You have the right colouring for it," Morgana mused unaware of Merlin's dreamy state over another girl. "In fact I imagine it would look better on you than me. Try it on."

"_What?_!"

"Try. It. On."

"I can't!" Merlin shrieked. "I'm not a girl!"

"Your unfortunate ownership of a penis wasn't going to prevent you from stealing it and trying it on in the privacy of your chambers, was it?"

"Erm…"

"I thought as much," Morgana smirked, "Now then, my dear, let's get you into that dress."

Merlin barely had time to make a small squeaky sound before Morgana pounced on him and before he knew it he was wearing her dark purple, lacy, dress and Morgana's pale green eyes were scrutinising him critically.

"You look a little too pale," she murmured to herself, "and a little bit plain. A little make up, some jewellery, and a little bit of styling to your hair and I think you would look magnificent. Perhaps too magnificent but oh, this is a project I cannot ignore, Merlin come here and try this lipstick."

"NOOO- _ick_! What _the hell_ was that Morgana?"

"Perfume!"

"It tastes horrible!"

"You're not supposed to eat it, you moron," Merlin couldn't see Morgana at this point since he had been blinded by perfume (as well as tasted it) but he could virtually hear her eyes roll. "I'm starting to see what Arthur was talking about."

"Oi!"

MMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur couldn't take his eyes off the new Court beauty.

He had been in the middle of searching for his manservant who had wisely (for once in his pathetic life) decided to hide from Arthur. After all he was certain that it was Merlin who had been stealing his food, and not because of some misguided reason like the idea Arthur was gaining weight (he was **NOT** fat!), but because he was a piggy boy with a stealing fetish, and he was determined to beat it out of his servant so he could go back to eating bacon, and chicken, and beef, and….

Arthur suddenly needed to wipe the drool of his face and not because he was thinking of food but because he had just seen the most stunning woman in his life (sorry Guinevere). She had the shortest hair he had ever seen on a woman but for her it worked as it curled round her slightly too big ears (beautifully decorated with peals).

She was as pale as Morgana, who had led her in the great hall, and wore the similar dramatic make up that Morgana was wearing right now. But unlike Morgana, she suited it, her eyes were made bigger (and what lovely blue eyes they were!) and her lips looked soft and sensual unlike Morgana's harsh lips (were harsher words were known to come out of), and her skin, oh her skin looked so soft to touch…._he had to know her_!

"Hello ladies," he said suavely.

Morgana rolled her eyes, "Good evening Arthur," she replied dryly, "what brings you here to bother me?"

"Curiosity," he replied promptly, "I don't think I have met your friend before."

"No you wouldn't have," Morgana said coolly, "she is a pen pal from Ireland."

"Are you going to introduce us?"

"I'm not sure if I want to risk her virtue."

The lady in question let out a squawk, an utterly charming little squeak, of indignation and flushed bright red with embarrassment. Arthur was even more enchanted by her now. "I would do no such thing!" he declared hotly. "Many pardons," he said to the beautiful lady, "my foster sister has no idea what she is talking about."

"_I beg your pardon_?!"

"I mean to say," He added hastily, "that she is incredibly beautiful and witty, and therefore sometimes forget the good and honourable man I am in order to make such an intelligent quip."

"That's better," Morgana smirked, "very well then. Arthur I would like you to meet Lady Marilyn from Ireland, Mari, this is the Crown Prince of Camelot, Arthur."

"How do you do?" Arthur said dashingly as he took Marilyn's hand into his and kissed it.

"Eek!" was the only reply he got.

For some reason Morgana was laughing at him. He didn't know why, after all he just brought a woman down to her knees with his charming persona, something she could never do. "Would you care to join me for dinner?" he asked with a slight purr.

"No!" Lady Marilyn cried out. "No," she repeated more gently, "I can't….I erm….forgot something! In Ireland! Have to go, bye!"

And with that she picked up her skirts and ran for it. "Wait, my love!" he called out after her, and then ran after her when it became apparent she wasn't going to stop for him.

Jesus, does no one have respect for royalty anymore?

MMMMMMMMMM

Merlin barely managed to escape Arthur (he was certain the prat was secretly part sniffer dog) but when he did, he went straight towards Freya, determined to get out of this stupid dress and back to his nice, normal, itchy clothes.

"Freya," he whispered, "Freya!"

"Merlin?"

"Oh good, you're still here," he sighed in relief, "I brought you a dress."

"You're wearing it," she observed warily.

"Erm yeah," he mumbled, "it was the only way I could smuggle it out."

"You're wearing jewellery too."

"For you!" he yanked the earring off, shrieked bloody blue murder, before he handed the blood drenched pearl to Freya. She didn't accept it. "I don't normally wear jewellery," he tried to reassure her.

"Merlin," she sighed sadly, "you're wearing makeup."

"_I had no choice_!" he protested.

"Merlin, it's all right," Freya said gently, "we all have our secrets."

"_Honestly_!" Merlin cried out. "I really, really, _really_ don't dress this way normally."

Freya took his hand into hers. "Merlin, you don't have to lie to me, it's ok, I understand," she smiled up at him sadly, "I just wish you were interested in me because of me, and not because I could help you do your hair."

Merlin let out a strangled scream before he scrambled to get the dress off of him. £this is for you," he told her, "not me, not anyone else, I don't wear dresses normally, but I swear to God the only way I was going to get away with it was to wear it out of the castle, now please take it!"

"Merlin!" Freya cried out horrified. Her eyes covered. "_You're naked_!"

"So I am," Merlin blushed, "I had forgotten that Morgana kept my clothes captive."

"Merlin, I adore you, I really do," Freya said, her hands still covering her eyes, "but I don't think this is going to work. Therefore I have decided to leave now and let you live your transsexual and nudist life in peace."

"But….but….but…"

"Goodbye Merlin," Freya said before she kissed his cheek and then she disappeared out of his life, for good.

And she took the dress, with a heavy sigh, Merlin left the secret underground tunnel to slink home and hopefully not be caught by any passing guard. It would be incredibly difficult to explain. He managed to reach the door leading to the tower Gaius' rooms resided in, honestly Gaius would pick the most difficult place in all of Camelot to run to when you're naked, when someone grabbed hold of his shoulder.

"**AH!**"

"Merlin!" Arthur snapped. "What the hell are you doing naked."

"Erm….moon bathing?" Merlin suggested.

"Well _don't_," Arthur said in a….well it wasn't disgust, "have you seen…." He trailed off and kept looking down at Merlin.

"My clothes?" Merlin supplied, "no, unfortunately, have you?"

"No…" Arthur's eyes had become rather hooded. It was very strange. "You shouldn't be naked in the courtyard. I have a reputation to uphold, and my naked manservant will ruin it…."

"Err, right, sorry, I'll go and get dressed."

"No, no," Arthur shook his head, he then suddenly grabbed hold of Merlin, and threw him over his shoulder, "I'm going to have to punish you."

"_Punish me?_!" Merlin squeaked. "What do you mean _**punish me**_?!"

He found out and very much enjoyed it.

Unfortunately he didn't enjoy it when Morgana found out his lost her dress, and her pearly earrings, and broke her emerald on a chain that she had lent him.

And even more unfortunately, he _definitely_ didn't enjoy spending the next three days in bed, with an ear infection.


	138. Seduction

**Summary: **Merlin isn't fooled. He knew Morgana stole the key and he calls her on it, and AU of 2x11.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Morgana and some implied Merthur in the background.

"Morgana," Merlin called out, she halted to a stop, and turned round to smile sweetly at the innocent manservant. Previous experience had taught her that all she had to do was smile at the poor boy and he becomes a stuttering mess. Not this time though. For some reason her usual technique had failed her as Merlin held his hand out, "they key."

"What key?"

"The key that you took out of Arthur's sock drawer."

"Why, Merlin," Morgana pouted in a sultry seductive way, "I have no idea what you are talking about. Are you trying to accuse me of stealing?"

"Yes," Merlin said flatly.

"_Merlin_!"

"Morgana, despite what Arthur says repeatedly, I am not an idiot," Merlin said firmly, his blue eyes blazing. "You know that Arthur is training right now, as he has been every day, same time, for the last ten or so years of his life. That, and you had completely ignored me when you walked in and I saw you take the key."

"_What?_!" Morgana blurted out stunned. "Where were you?"

How could she had been so blind to have missed Merlin? Not only was he her friend, and it would have been incredibly mean of her to ignore him, but she was being sly, and cunning, and smart about her little heist, and surely couldn't miss Merlin.

"Over there," Merlin pointed to the opposite side of the room where Arthur's bedside drawers are kept. _Damnit!_ How _the fuck_ did she miss _that_?! There was even a bucket and scrubbing brush where he had obviously been cleaning the floors. God she was _so stupid_! "Therefore I saw everything," Merlin said, "but I won't tell Arthur if you just give me the key."

"Have you got a new neckerchief?"

"What?" Merlin blinked. Surprised by the sudden change of conversation.

"Have you got a new neckerchief," Morgana repeated slowly.

She had stepped closer to him and her entire presence had changed. She was no longer the nervous and slightly edgy thief instead she was a graceful and confident woman that she had always been until her nightmares took its toll. Her tired face was suddenly shining with beauty as her cat like eyes fluttered and her lips seemed all the more kissable suddenly.

It was incredibly overwhelming.

"N-no," Merlin stuttered as he took a step back. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," Morgana purred as she stepped into his personal space, and a long, elegant finger trailed itself up his neckerchief, "it's just that neckerchief makes your eyes stand out. It has made you far more…._noticeable_," she whispered the last word in his ear, her breath was warm against his ear and he couldn't help but whimper.

"I-M-Morgana!" he said very shakily, and entirely unnerved by the whole experience, too much pretty things, and hair, and breasts, and those eyes – _gah!_ "You can't just steal Arthur's keys," he managed to get out. Rather eloquently as well if you ask him especially if you take in consideration that Morgana's hand had slipped somewhere below his non-existent belt.

"Oh, Merlin!" Morgana cried out.

And before Merlin could make his argument, persuade Morgana to give back the key, and then go back to scrubbing the floors before Arthur came back and trod more mud all over it (the prat!), Morgana dragged him into a long passionate kiss.

_Gah!_ He was _so _going to get beheaded!

MMMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur was exhausted from a successful morning of training and had hopes to enjoy an early afternoon of being bathed, fed, and pampered in general by his slave – err…he means his manservant called Merlin. He hoped to find a somewhat clean room with Merlin sitting at his table mending some of his ripped breeches and ruined shirts, waiting to be ordered about his majestic self.

That. Was. So. Not. The. Case.

Instead he was greeted by the most horrible sight in the _known universe_!

First, Merlin's shirt was on the floor, and his breeches were hanging off the top of his wardrobe, and the shoes were just flung in opposite directions, and a dress laid rumpled across the floor near his bed.

Second, Merlin's wrist was tied to one of his bedposts as someone was….oh he didn't even want to think about it let alone describe it. It was horrible, his Merlin, his manservant who should have no sex life and think only about serving Arthur's next meal, was being…._urgh_…..

And thirdly, the most horrifying one, the woman on top of Merlin was _Morgana. _

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Morgana suddenly fell off of Merlin, and the manservant in question gasped in shock. "Arthur!" he cried out. "Err…what are you doing here?"

"What _am I_ doing here? _What am __**I **__doing here?!"_

"Okay," Merlin swallowed, "stupid question."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!"

"Another stupid question," Morgana observed as she slipped her dress back on. "I think it's best that we never talk about this again. I'll leave now, Merlin will…do whatever you require of him, and no one tells Uther, yes?"

Arthur nodded dumbly in agreement as he was too angry right now to think straight when what Morgana had said finally sunk in she had already left the room. "Erm," Merlin mumbled shyly, "I'll just go now as well."

"Oh no," Arthur said preventing his manservant's escape (with his bed sheet wrapped round him he might add), "you still have your chores to do. First you need to clean my chambers, someone has thrown clothes all over the place, then you can get another servant to fulfil the rest of your duties as you have to deal with the task of burning my bed as it has been defiled, and then you can never show your face here again, got it?"

"Arthur -"

"_Got it_?!" he repeated.

"Yes sire," Merlin replied dutifully.

"You may go," Arthur said as he turned his back on the very naked Merlin, "and ask the kitchen staff to send a small meal. I suddenly lost most of my appetite."

It took five times in the bath before Arthur eventually gave up trying to scrub his brain clean from those horrifying scenes on his bed (much to the poor servant's relief who was dreading telling Uther that his son had drowned himself) and after some sulking, bossing people about, and a game of archery, he decided to go to bed.

Which he couldn't help but notice that Merlin didn't burn as he asked since it still smelt of Merlin and Morgana.

Urgh he was going to be sick.

"Ouch!" Arthur yelped. "What the hell?" he cried out as he found a cold, hard, and very metal key in his bed. "What is this doing here?"

(Meanwhile several floors down Morgana decided to just pick the lock on the vaults. To be honest she wasn't sure why she didn't just do that in the first place. Oh well.)


	139. Bickering Children

**Summary: **Merlin and Arthur get into an argument….again.

**Pairings: **the usual implied Merthur.

Arthur was terrified, everyone he knew and cared for was in a weird sleeping coma apart from Merlin and Morgana, there was seven super-powered immortal knights and an eighth mystery person about to invade his kingdom, and for some bloody strange reason he was so very tired. So fucking very tired.

He felt like a nap would be wonderful….

Then a strange, terrifying, horrible growling noise echoed throughout the castle. He gulped and prayed fervently that it was some sort of monster that was coming to attack because he was certain that no normal knight would make a noise like that. "I don't suppose those are your knees again," he said hopefully to Merlin.

Merlin was a coward, a completely lovable coward, and if it was his knees then it would make Arthur look all brave and almighty, and then he could do this, he could beat these horrible monsters, rescue Camelot, and prove to Merlin which one of them was the true man in their rela- err he means, the true prince in their master and servant relationship.

"Actually that's my stomach," Merlin admitted sheepishly.

Both Morgana and Arthur turned round to stare at Merlin in an utterly gobsmacked manner.

"_What?_!" they chorused in stunned unison.

Merlin flushed with embarrassment. It wasn't his fault that he was hungry! Since when did he have time to eat when he had to travel to the other end of the kingdom, fight some fucking weird immortal knights, ride all the way back (i.e. being chased all the way back) only to find the entirety of Camelot was under a sleeping spell which of course meant that Gaius had absolutely no time to cook him any supper.

And, of course, they were about to be invaded, and therefore Arthur wouldn't let him sneak into the kitchens to steal a meat pie or something, and instead he had been forced to drag Uther around the castle.

To be fair though it wasn't entirely Arthur's fault. After all there was immortal, terrifying, and super-powerful knights roaming round the castle, and there was no way Merlin could eat with them lurking around and trying to kill them.

Still that didn't prevent his incredibly defensive protest bursting from his lips.

"You _starve_ me!"

"I do not!" Arthur shouted in his own defence.

"You so do too!" Merlin retorted.

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Err…guys," Morgana said nervously as the doors were being pounded on, "maybe we should carry on escaping the castle?"

She was so totally ignored and that did nothing in her case of ever trusting Merlin and Arthur with anything important including magical secrets.

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

It was then the door burst open and seven knights plus Morgause walked in. the seven masked faces turned bewildered to Morgause as Merlin and Arthur continued to argue like two little children ignorant to their presence. "Ahem," Morgause said drawing the two idiots' attention to herself, "where exactly is Uther and Morgana?"

Arthur and Merlin looked at Morgause, and then looked back to where Morgana had stood.

In the distance they could hear a horse neigh and the sound of a cart rolling off. Morgana obviously, with a little help because she shouldn't have had the strength to do it on her own, pulled Uther out of the room via the window, scaled down at the castle, and legged it to the cart.

And left Arthur and Merlin behind.

"This is your fault!" Merlin and Arthur shouted at one another. "_My fault_?! It's _your _fault! Stop copying me!"

With a deep sigh Morgause turned to her seven immortal knights, "shall we just invade a different kingdom? One that isn't full of idiots."


	140. Hysterical Laughter

**Summary: **Uther tries to confront the Great Dragon.

**Pairings: **background Uther/Lady Catrina.

Uther stood there grimly as he watched his kingdom go up in flames – literally.

Ever since some _fucking moron_ released the Great Dragon, and when Uther gets hold of that person, boy, would he wish he never heard the name Uther Pendragon the First, Camelot had been on fire nightly. The scaly monster wouldn't let them have one decent night sleep without burning a building and eating some knights.

Arthur was gone, thankfully, to find a magical person to rescue them. Uther hated the idea that he had to ask someone with magic to help him but he reassured himself that after the dirty business was done and dusted he can behead the helpful Dragon Lord.

After all it was a mercy compared to a bonfire and Uther cannot stand the idea of another fire after this.

"There's no other choice," Uther decided, "I'll go out there myself."

"Sire!" one of the knights protested. "It is far too dangerous for you to go out!"

"Nonsense," Uther said primly, "if my son, the heir to the throne can go out in dangerous situations and come back completely unharmed, then so can I!" he stood up and flung his crown down onto the floor and began to take off his leather jacket in what he thought was a very cool manner. "Now fetch me my armour!"

"Yes, sir!" the knight said obediently, "err…what does it look like?"

"_Just get it for me already_!"

Finally after what felt like centuries, Uther was dressed in his shiny, barely touched armour, and rode out with the rest of his knights to confront the despicable beast that dare torched his kingdom.

"Halt!" he shouted in his most authoritative voice. "I, Uther Pendragon, King of Camelot, command you to leave my kingdom, now."

The Dragon took one look at him, blinked, and then snorted derisively. His snort had released a great deal of smoke which choked many of the knights. Uther coughed, and cleared his throat.

"Did you hear me, beast? I said I command you to leave."

The Dragon snorted again, only this time he started to chuckle, and then his chuckle grew into a loud, booming, laugh.

This did nothing to improve Uther's mood.

"I SAID," he roared without any dignity, "THAT I COMMAND Y-"

Whatever Uther was about to say was drowned out completely by hysterical laughter as the Dragon rolled on his back, legs kicking in the air, gasping for breath as he continued to laugh in Uther's face.

He may have weed a little, drenching poor Sir Leon (who was most definitely unimpressed with his king right now), and he definitely destroyed majority of the houses in the nearby area as he rolled back and forth giggling like a schoolgirl.

"What," Uther hissed in fury, "in all that is holy, do you find so amusing, beast?"

"You," the Dragon choked out between snorts, "married," he giggled, "a _troll_!"

Uther whirled round and levelled his entire (surviving) population, "All right," he snapped, "which one of you told the Dragon?"

The entirety of (what was left of) Camelot began to look down and shuffle their feet guilty.

Meanwhile the Dragon wouldn't stop laughing, and honestly, can you blame him?


	141. Wooing

**Summary: **Arthur and Merlin talk about wooing.

**Pairings: **brief mentions of Merthur and Gwen/Arthur/Vivian love triangle.

It was a bright and beautiful morning…so of course that meant the prat had to act like a total lovesick weirdo just to ruin Merlin's day. Because knowing his luck Uther will notice and have him questioned, and then throw him in the stocks for not defending Arthur's virtue (as if he didn't have enough on his plate with all that destiny nonsense!).

So after doing all but throw himself flat out against a wall to keep away from Arthur as he awkwardly talked about wooing (wooing!) Arthur began to ask him something. "How do I express my…" he made an odd gesture with his hands. "_Feelings_."

"Go to a therapist," Merlin could help but quip.

"_Mer_lin!"

"Oh all right, feelings…"

"Feelings," Arthur confirmed.

"Girls…" Merlin scrunched up his face in thought.

"Girls…" Arthur merely sighed dreamily as he thought of his love.

"Well…erm…."

"_Yes?!"_

"You could get her some flowers," Merlin suggested.

"Flowers?" Arthur said disgustedly. "_Flowers_? What would some girl want with a bunch of _weeds_ especially my love who has impeccable taste."

"Erm, well, how about jewellery?" Merlin offered, "Girls like sparkly things. Just look at Morgana, she has lots and lots of necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and rings."

"Have you been nosing around Morgana's jewellery box?" Arthur asked suspiciously.

"NO!"

"Hmm…." Arthur stilled eyed Merlin with suspicion but instead of questioning his manservant he moved on. "No, not jewellery, I don't have time to get anything proper made and who would want a hunk of metal on their arm when they can have a dagger?"

"_A dagger_?!" Merlin repeated in disbelief. "A _**dagger**_? Arthur are you _mad?_ No girl would want a _dagger_?"

"Why?" Arthur blinked. "What's wrong with a dagger?"

"Plenty of things! What on earth would a girl use it for?"

"I don't know, you tell me, you're the expert!"

"Ha, ha, ha," Merlin said sarcastically. "How exactly am I the expert in this?"

"Well, you are a girl, aren't you?"

The only reason Arthur hadn't been hit at the back of his head by a shoe or something was because Merlin really didn't want to spend a day in the stocks with visiting servants throwing food at him. Instead he took a deep breath and glared at Arthur.

"Well since I'm apparently a girl," Merlin snarled, "then I can safely tell you that girls don't want daggers, they want flowers, and jewellery, and poems commenting on the beauty of their eyes."

"Girls don't want some sort of sissy, _Mer_lin," Arthur rolled his eyes, "they want someone who can protect them, someone that is strong, and masculine, and a true man." He carried on almost fanatically as he thought of his love. "They want someone to bring in the dinner, blood still dripping from the hunt," Merlin turned green at the thought, "they want someone who can protect them but allows them to fight their own battles, and then of course they need someone to tell them what is what and dress up in silly dresses and jewellery that costs far too much, they don't want to be showered in pretty things and words, they want the truth, they want to be ravished, and they want a strong manly man."

Merlin rolled his eyes, "do me a favour," he muttered, "never woo me."

"Why would I woo _you_?"

"Err…"

"Why would I want you," Arthur continued dreamily, "when there is _Vivian_?"

Merlin was relieved that Arthur had told him who he fancied because otherwise he would have made a total prat of himself when trying to woo Gwen on Arthur's behalf. And a prat out of Arthur but that didn't matter, Arthur was already a prat, and nothing would change that.

"Perhaps if I fought a bear, kill it, and bring her the paws she'll fall into my arms?" Arthur mused.

"Dear God, we're screwed," Merlin muttered, "it's no wonder the girls are winning."

"You would know Merlin, you're one of them."


	142. Diplomacy

**Summary: **Uther doesn't allow any sort of magic in his realm, so why was Trickler allowed to do those tricks in 2x10 right in front of him and the entirety of his court? PLOT HOLE!

**Pairings: A little Merthur if you squint. **

Merlin was enjoying the magic tricks. He had never seen anything so wondrous in his life, well apart from Camelot, and the unicorn, and the Great Dragon, and Freya, and –

Okay he may have seen plenty of wonderful things in his life but he has never been so thoroughly entertained before in his life, and it was some sort of miracle for someone to perform a magic trick and not suddenly lose his head.

Seriously, was Uther drunk or _something_?

As the jester one of the kings had brought (Merlin couldn't remember their names so he named them as The One that Tried to Poison Arthur, The One that is an Overprotective Prat, The One that is a Bore, and The One that is a Creep, this jester had been part of the Creep's travel party) released flames out of his mouth, Merlin couldn't help but release a gleeful laugh of delight and applaud. Whether he dropped a jug of wine or not was a totally different matter, besides no one noticed thanks to the public magic act from the jester, and his own little private magic act.

It was then when the jester bowed towards the ladies and made butterflies appear out of nowhere. Pretty, bright blue, butterflies, Merlin couldn't help but coo alongside with all the other ladies in the Court.

"Oh God," Arthur rolled his eyes, "You're such a girl, _Mer_lin," he said quietly enough for none of the other members of royalty.

Suddenly, Uther leaped out of his throne, causing it to land on the floor with a loud thump.

"**SORCERY**!" Uther roared. "_**GUARDS**_!"

Poor Trickler, the jester, was suddenly pinned to the floor as his King (The One that is a Creep) stood up in outrage. "What on earth are you doing to my servant, Uther?" he demanded to know.

"I will not have sorcery practised in my own realm, it is an insult to bring such a sorcerer in my presence," Uther said incredibly flustered. "This means war, Alined."

"W-w-w-what?!" The One that is a Creep stuttered. Merlin didn't blame him after all you don't expect to end up in a war when you came over for a visit to sign a peace treaty. Especially over a servant….huh that sounded familiar, didn't someone else cause a war over a servant last year? "That's not what I wanted!" The One that is a Creep that Merlin was Feeling a Bit Sorry for. "I wanted a war between you and Olaf so I can be rich."

On second thoughts…

"WHAT?!"

"Quick," Arthur murmured as he grabbed hold of Merlin's arm, "We have to get out of here before the food fight. This is exactly what happened the last time."

"_What?_!" Merlin burst out.

"Quickly," Arthur stressed as several of the women including Morgana, Gwen, and the Lady Vivian. As the doors slammed shut everyone slumped in relief. "There'll be another good fight at least," Arthur said rapidly, "I don't envy you Merlin, since undoubtedly you'll be cleaning it up," Merlin's shout of indignation was completely ignored at this point of time. "_Goddamnit _Father," Arthur growled, "can't he just _let it go_ just one time, it took me years to rebuild this treaty after the last time."

Morgana, Gwen, and Vivian all nodded in agreement with him while Merlin stared at Arthur gobsmacked. "Hang on, _you_ worked on the treaty?" he squawked.

"Of course I did, Merlin," Arthur rolled his eyes s if Merlin said something incredibly stupid, "surely you didn't think my Father had any input making peace. He has always been a bit of a warmonger."

"I'm sorry," Merlin said, "it's just considering you're incapable of dressing yourself the idea of you doing something that consists of hard work evades me."

The girls giggled at that as Arthur flushed red.

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"


	143. Arthur's One True Love

**Summary: **Arthur gets a kiss from his true love. Gwen isn't impressed but not for the reasons you would think.

**Pairings: **mentions of Arthur/Gwen, Arthur/Vivian, Gwen/Lancelot, and Merthur.

"Search your heart, you know who he truly loves."

Gwen looked up at Merlin who was being incredibly endearing in his attempt to match make her and Arthur. Unfortunately she thought he was totally out of his mind and needed a reality check. Arthur didn't love her, he liked Vivian, and even when he wasn't enchanted she was much lower on his priorities than Merlin thought she was.

"You're right," she murmured softly as everything occurred to her, "I know who he loves now."

Merlin smiled radiantly at her and she couldn't help but grin back. He was really endearing, it was such a pity they couldn't work out romantically (mostly because he was the most oblivious boy in the world), but she was very happy to be his best friend instead, it worked out better that way. "Come on then!" he said as he tugged her by the hands. "We have a prat to rescue."

Gwen allowed Merlin to pull her all the way to Arthur's tent outside of the duelling rink/jousting stadium/whatever sport Uther decides he wants to watch stands (and she is not kidding last week they watched two servants slap each other repeatedly, Merlin won of course, she trained him) which is a really, really, really long distance from her house, and now her arm is killing her.

"Arthur!" Merlin cried out brightly.

"Merlin!" Arthur replied equally cheerful, "And Guinevere! Have you come to cheer me on? Don't worry, I don't need it, my love for Vivian has made me invincible."

"Arthur," Merlin said worriedly, "You…I….Gwen has something to say."

Arthur turned his far too bright face expectedly to Gwen, "You don't have to wish me luck, Guinevere," he said almost angelically (she wasn't fooled she had lived with Arthur for three days and that was far too long, he was a selfish jackarse.).

"I haven't," she said flatly.

Arthur blinked dumbly. "Now that wasn't very nice," he muttered. "In fact that's rather rude, sort of like Mer-_**HMMPH**_!"

Gwen will be honest, she lost all patience with her idiotic boys and completely snapped, she grabbed Arthur by his hair, and Merlin too, and then smacked their lips against one another, it took a brief moment before Arthur suddenly slumped into the kiss, and his hand slid up into Merlin's hair, pushing Gwen's out of the way.

With a sigh of relief, Gwen then slipped out of the tent and let her boys at it.

After all they've been dragging it out this long they might as well have a moment before Arthur has to fight Olaf.

Unfortunately Arthur and Merlin wouldn't look at each other for days, then they hadn't spoken to one another for weeks, and when eventually things got back to normal they still didn't acknowledge their feelings for one another until two years later, when Lancelot (who she had been writing since that time she had been kidnapped – for some reason that made Merlin rather annoyed with the noble knight for reasons Gwen could never figure out) came to their rescue and greeted Gwen with the most heart-warming, body-throbbing, kiss in the world. Gwen supposes that's why it's called true love, but to be honest in her eyes it was boys being complete morons.


	144. Queen Uther

**Summary: **Merlin and Morgana play dress up.

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur.

Arthur was scared shit when he found his father lying there asleep on the floor. Okay, it wasn't just because of his father but the fact that all of Camelot, but he has never seen his father as anything but the stern, always awake, never-endingly paranoid and on guard, and therefore seeing him so _vulnerable_ was fucking terrifying.

And now Camelot was about to be invaded, and the only army Arthur could lead into battle against the invasion consisted of a girl, and Morgana, he had no choice but to protect the King of Camelot, and hope he wakes up in time.

"Why don't we disguise him?" Merlin suggested intelligently.

Arthur couldn't help but stare at him completely stunned at the idea of Merlin suggesting something logical, and intelligent, and reasonable, and Arthur didn't think of it first. The world must be about to end or something, it's the only reasonable explanation.

"That might work," he said reluctantly.

"We could dress him as a woman," Merlin added eagerly.

"Ah, no," Arthur dismissed the idea immediately, "what is it with you and dresses?"

"I don't have a thing about dresses!" Merlin exclaimed.

"Don't lie, _Mer_lin," Arthur rolled his eyes, "I saw you with that purple dress…"

Arthur couldn't help but think about Merlin in said purple dress. It was an image he couldn't help but think about ever since he saw Merlin carry that dress down the hallway several months ago. The dark colour of the dress would suit his pale complexion, just like it had suited Morgana's (who undoubtedly Merlin stole the dress from), and it definitely would emphasis Merlin's incredibly feminine physical attributes. His high cheekbones, his long black eyelashes, his thick, pouty, lips, and his slim, un-masculine body….

It was then Arthur realised, much to his horror, that he had fallen into a daydream about his manservant and lost all awareness of his situation.

One of those freaky immortal knights could have attacked him by now and he wouldn't have known!

Suddenly he was aware that there was a rustling noise behind him and someone whispering. Paranoid, he whirled round, sword out and ready to slay whatever beast was about to attack him, only to find Merlin and Morgana were painting his father's nails.

No. he was not kidding.

They. Were. Painting. Uther. Pendragon's. Toenails.

Well okay, only Merlin was, while Morgana had Uther's hand on her lap as she painted each nail a deep green, while Merlin was painting his king's toenails a bright vivid red.

Oh, and did he mention that his father was wearing one of Morgana's deep green dresses?

And that he was wearing her jewellery.

And Merlin had a pair of dainty high shoes by his side ready to put on Uther's feet?

"_What the hell_?!" Arthur yelped. "Merlin, Morgana, that's _your king_!"

Both Merlin and Morgana blinked up at him, "And?" they asked in a bored tone.

"Show him some respect," Arthur hissed through gritted teeth.

"_Why?_" Merlin asked. "It's not like he shows me any respect."

"You're a _servant_, _**Mer**_lin," Arthur rolled his eyes, "you don't deserve respect."

"Neither does your father," Morgana muttered.

"Morgana!" Arthur shouted horrified. "I thought you would know better than that," Morgana shot him a look as if to say _who are you kidding_? "Oh all right, but _still_! Where on earth did you get all of that stuff?"

"Merlin snuck out and nicked it all from my room," Morgana waved a dismissive hand.

"You went out your way to sneak past seven freakishly immortal knights, and an eighth mysterious but likely equally dangerous person that could _kill you,_ just to steal Morgana's dress, makeup, jewellery, and shoes to dress my father up?"

"Erm….yes?"

"What _the fuck_ is wrong with you?"

(A couple hours later when the spell was broken, Morgana was kidnapped, and Merlin was seriously depressed, Arthur didn't have the heart to tell his father the truth….though it did take Uther two hours, six giggling maids, five knights choking, and Gaius hiding his laughter behind his book to work out that he was wearing a dress. And another five hours to realise his nails had been painted.)


	145. Sitting in a Tree KISSING

**Summary:** Merlin's teasing has long term consequences.

**Pairings:** Gwen/Arthur, and implied Merthur and Merlin/OC if you squint hard enough.

"So," Merlin said slyly over the boot he was polishing, "How is Gwen?"

"What?" Arthur blurted, taken off guard by the sudden question as he walked into his chambers (and found it utterly filthy, how typical that _Mer_lin had yet to fulfil his duties as a servant again), "I have no idea what you're talking about, how would I know how Guinevere is feeling, or doing, or is? I am the Crown Prince, and she is a mere serving girl, abet a pretty one but a serving girl nonetheless, how on earth would I know how she is?"

"Well," Merlin smirked, "aside from the act your silly babbling totally gave you away-"

"_Silly babbling?!_" Arthur interrupted indignantly. "I have you know Merlin that I, a noble and royal, Prince, do not _babble._"

"- I saw you talking to her in the courtyard," Merlin carried on as if Arthur had never spoken. "And even if you weren't looking at her like a lovesick puppy, you would have likely to have seen how Gwen is," he finished triumphantly.

"I do not look at her like a lovesick puppy!" Arthur snapped. "Princes don't-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Merlin waved a dismissive hand, "you're a royal prat, we all know it, Gwen included, but that doesn't stop the fact that you have feelings for Gwen."

"_Mer_lin!"

"Yeah, I know," Merlin sighed, "shut up."

"Exactly," Arthur said satisfied. "Now if you spent more time doing your job instead of spying on me like some sort of jealous fishwife I may be living in clean accommodations instead of this pig sty."

"Hmm," Merlin agreed, "maybe if you cleaned up after yourself it wouldn't be so disgusting."

"Merlin, I'm a prince, I shouldn't have to pick up my things that's what I pay _you_ for," Arthur snapped in frustration.

"Yeah, you're a prince," Merlin agreed, Arthur had to blink a few times and pinch himself because Merlin would usually add something about him being a prat by now, and he hadn't **OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!** "A prince in _looooooooooooooooove,_" Merlin carried on teasingly.

And the world is safe once more.

"_I am not in love!"_

"Arthur and Gwen, sitting in a tree," Merlin sang cheerfully as he totally ignored his prince, "K. I. S. S. I. N. G."

"_Mer_lin," Arthur growled warningly.

First comes love, second comes marriage," Merlin continued to sing rather childishly as if Arthur had never spoken.

"_**Merlin!**_"

And third comes a baby in a golden carriage." He was suddenly tackled to the ground by an irate Arthur who then proceeded to give him a wedgie. After some rough wrestling, and scrambling away from Arthur in order to save his life, Merlin coughed and began to speak in his normal irritating voice. "Because knowing _you_ nothing else would be good enough for your precious Arwen baby. How about a normal beautiful and elegantly carved wooden cot, sire," he carried on, "no!" he growled in a poor imitation of Arthur's voice. "My precious Camelot Arwen heir cannot have anything less than a pure solid gold one!"

According to Arthur, Merlin totally deserved that punch, and the following orders to muck out the stable.

"Hmm," Arthur murmured to himself as he ate his lunch, "Arwen…that's the perfect name for Guinevere and my future child!"

MMMMMMMMMM

"And that," Merlin continued, "is how you came to be named Arwen."

The very pretty (she so inherited her mother's looks even if everything were shades lighter), newly crowned queen, raised an unimpressed eyebrow in a very similar manner to her father. In fact despite her warm brown eyes, thick dark wavy hair, and light brown skin that she inherited all from her mother, her entire personality seemed to be Arthur reincarnated.

(Merlin seriously hoped that wasn't what the Dragon meant when he said Arthur would rise again.)

"You mean to say, _Mer_lin," she drawled out in a manner far too much like her deceased father, "that it is _your fault_ I have been saddled with the name _Arwen_."

"Erm…yes?"

"_You_ are the reason that all of the other children bullied me mercilessly for years," she continued, "the reason why people today still scoff behind their hands whenever my name is announced? The reason why Alined II asks me repeatedly during peace treaty meetings whether my name is Arthur or Gwen? The reason why-"

"Well, actually," Merlin interrupted hastily knowing where this was going if he let her continue to rant. Unfortunately she also inherited the Pendragon temper, and the Pendragon bitterness and resentment, and ability to hold a grudge. "That's all those people's fault for being so mean."

The unimpressed eyebrow got raised even higher. "_Merlin_…" she drawled out slowly.

"Shut up?" Merlin suggested meekly.

"Actually," she purred, "I was thinking along the lines of the _stocks._"

For the third time that week Merlin spent the next few hours having rotten tomatoes being chucked at his face.

"I _so _don't get paid enough for this job," he bemoaned.


	146. Where's the Body?

**Summary: **Arthur's bragging gets him into trouble when a knight notices a flaw in his tale.

**Pairings: **implied Arthur/OCs, and if you squint some brief mentions of Arthur/Gwen, and Merthur.

Arthur, despite what he thought, was _not_ that popular after apparently defeating the dragon. This was mostly because he chose to announce the news with Merlin abandoning the last handful of knights that survived in the field unconscious.

So during the feast as Arthur boasted to all the lovely ladies how he had slain the beast many were shooting him dark looks. Merlin, who was serving the wine, couldn't help but snort in derision as Arthur told one pale lady how he had 'ducked barely in time to escape the angry flames of the scaly beast'.

"You didn't escape in time," Merlin pointed out in a whisper, after all he didn't want to end up in the stocks, or worse, be stampeded on by hoard of Arthur fan girls, "you ended up singing the top of your head_, remember_? I had to wash the burnt smell out of it."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin," Arthur hissed, "and pour me some wine."

Merlin obliged simply because he didn't want to end up in the stocks again. Well okay, they were burned down alongside with three quarters of Camelot but he didn't want to give Arthur an excuse to rebuild them.

Arthur took a great big swig of wine before he continued with his tale. "And then, I bravely rushed forward, and with all my strength, all my might, and my anger and righteous justice for the monster burning down our glorious kingdom, I _thrusted_ my sword into the beast's belly." Many pathetic women squealed at that but much to Merlin's amusement and joy, Gwen merely rolled her eyes at Arthur's bragging. "With a pathetic moan and one last roar, the beast fell to the ground, dead."

Many people applauded, Uther looked proud like a peacock, and many, many ladies shrieked their excitement and gratitude to the crowned prince. It took all of Merlin's restraint to not roll his eyes and cough out the word 'liar' as he walked past his master once more.

"So what happened to the dragon's body?" asked one, angry and frustrated knight, who had been very brave but was left abandoned on a field where there was definitely no dragon corpse on it. "Did it just _evaporate_?" he sneered.

Arthur looked horrified as he realised there was a great flaw in his heroic tale. He turned to Merlin for help but the servant took great pleasure in pretending to serve another lord his wine to pay Arthur any attention.

"I….erm….well…"

"Yes," a noble lady with an ounce of intelligence frowned, "how come you didn't bring the corpse back as tribute like you have with every other beast you have slain? You even brought that poor unicorn's horn back a couple years ago!"

"Well you see," Arthur managed to gain some composure back, "the body is far too big for just me and my manservant to carry it back."

"Yes," the knight agreed, "but that doesn't explain how it vanished into thin air. We were all there, unconscious when you had slain the beast, but awake not long after, and there was definitely no body."

"_Merlin_!" Arthur hissed desperately.

Merlin continued to ignore them as he moved to refill Uther's goblet. "Yes, Arthur," Uther narrowed his eyes suspiciously at his son, "what did happen to the body? I know for a fact that dragon bodies don't just magically disappear," he said mockingly, "after all, with all the dragons I had personally slain I have used their skins to make magnificent things, many of my jackets and boots are dragon skin, my throne and cutlery for everyday use is made out of their bones, and for years when you were a child you were raised on dragon meat. So I ask you again, where is the body? I'm hankering for a dragon steak and I am in desperate need of a new dragon skin belt."

Fortunately for Arthur a distraction came in the disguise of Merlin as his manservant acted in his usual girly way and immediately bent over and vomited violently over Uther's beautifully made, dragon skin boots.

The stocks were immediately rebuilt in Merlin's honour.


	147. Definitions

**Summary: **Modern AU. Reincarnated Arthur is determined to find the true meaning of Merlin's insults.

**Pairings: **Merthur, implied Geoffrey/Books, and if you squint the tiniest dash of implied Merlin/Morgana.

Arthur Pendragon, the newly reawakened King of Camelot, not the teenager everyone around him thought him to be, snuck into the library. After all he was far too cool to be caught by the lower people reading of all things but it was an evil necessary.

Especially if he was to get back at _Merlin._

Many a time before and after his death Arthur had lost far too many battles of the wits to his moronic manservant. The peasant boy had thrown him off by using words like prat, and clotpole, and dollop head, and he for once, was going to find out the true meaning of those words for once and all!

(That and he was going to look up some excitingly new insults to throw back at Merlin, and for once win! Ha, ha, ha, that will teach the idiot for trying to be smart.)

Hesitatingly, Arthur reaches out for the large heavy and rather intimidating book, before he the opened the dictionary. After spending what felt like an age to find the word he was looking for, "Aha!" he muttered gleefully as he trailed his finger under the definition, "_Clotpole: Prince Arthur_," he read out quietly. "_**WHAT?**_!" he roared indignantly as it sunk in what he had only just read.

"Shh!" Geoff the librarian hissed.

(It was then Arthur realised it was his old council member Geoffrey reincarnated and without the beard. Huh, who would have thought?)

"This can't be right," Arthur muttered, he flicked the pages to the D section and searched for dollop head. "_Dollop Head: Prince Arthur_," he snarled out as he almost ripped the book in two in his search for the P section. "_Prat: Prince Arthur at his worse_." He spluttered furiously at that. "Who wrote this damn evil book?!" he cried out to the heavens.

"Shh!"

Arthur ignored the irate librarian and flicked the book to its very old and original copyright page. Underneath in fine print it read: Co-written by Dr Johnson and Mr Emrys.

_Emrys._

That's what all their enemies keep calling Merlin.

Merlin is Emrys.

_Merlin wrote the dictionary_.

Merlin made up nonsensical words and used him as a definition and now whenever someone calls another person a clotpole, or dollop head, or a prat they were calling them a Prince Arthur!

"_**Mer**_lin!"

"You rang?"

Merlin smirked as he appeared out of nowhere, Arthur will, of course, deny that such a magical appearance would cause him to let out a girly squeal which got them the deadliest glare Geoff could muster up.

"Y-y-y-you," Arthur barely managed to stutter out.

"Oh!" Merlin said gleefully as he spied the book in Arthur's hand. "You found my book! Tell me, do you enjoy it, or have you struggled with the really big words?"

Arthur felt he was fully justified to snap and suddenly tackle his moron of a manservant to the ground. Merlin disagreed as he stupidly fought back without magic and together as they rolled around on the carpet they managed to knock hundreds of books off the shelves.

"Mr Pendragon! Mr Emrys!" Geoff roared furiously. "If you could please take your coming out of the closet elsewhere before you ruin my library! And expect a detention!"

As they were forcibly thrown out of the library by two prefects, they soon learned there was something worse than being publicly accused of being gay together by the school librarian…

….having the entire thing being recorded by Morgana, and then put on the internet where everyone could see it.

It appears Morgana has remained evil in this life as she had been in the previous one.

(For some reason Merlin disagreed but that is why Arthur has started the task of re-writing the definitions of idiot, moron, stupid, half-wit, and simpleton in every dictionary to say Merlin.)


	148. The Tears of Uther Pendragon

**Summary: **Was it just me or did it look like that Uther wasn't crying when he was reunited with Morgana? AU of 3x01.

**Pairings: **one-sided, parental Uther/Morgana, mentions of sisterly Morgause/Morgana, and hint of Morgause/Cenred.

Morgana strides towards her despicable excuse of a guardian and allowed him to sweep her off her feet in a loving embrace. She pretended to be tearful and happy all at once beautifully and went to dab away her so called loving father figure's watery eyes only to find them completely dry.

She halted, surprised, disgusted, and rather angry.

"You're not crying," she accused him resentfully.

"Oh," Uther blinked a little. "Yes, about that, I had my tear ducts removed after that embarrassing incident with the troll and crying over Arthur's body. I realised how weak I must be if crying was what broke the enchantment and decided to strengthen myself against mockery. Gaius did it for me, he did a pretty good job since I feel virtually no pain at all now, though the recovery was a bitch with that idiot manservant of Arthur's dropping hot soup all over the place."

Morgana was furious. _How dare he?!_ Did he know how much evil planning and time this plan had taken from all the potential bonding time she could have had with her sister? The days and nights she had to be without her because she was busy seducing Cenred into invading Camelot, all wasted because Uther Pendragon has no heart and therefore cannot cry.

"You cannot cry," she said slowly, anger bubbling up beneath her skin, "You have not shed one tear for me since I have been missing."

"I cried on the inside," Uther reassured her.

"You – I- why – _I hate you_!" she shrieked.

With a whirl, her skirts flying, she then stormed out of the throne room fighting back the urge to blow Uther up into little pieces.

"_Morgana!_" Uther cried out despairingly. "Wait! Someone get me a glass of water!" A servant handed him a jug and he flicked some water into his eyes. "Morgana! Look_! I'm crying now!_ Don't be mad baby girl, I was just trying to be a strong king. Look! I'm sobbing in joy and delight that you have come home. _Morgana!_"

"Weirdo," a servant muttered as he walked past.

He was, of course, immediately ordered into the stocks, before Uther went back to grovelling for Morgana's forgiveness.


	149. Stalker!

**Summary: **Morgana rightly accuses Merlin of stalking.

**Pairings: **Implied Merlin/Morgana.

_Fuck. Bugger. Craping, crapery, __**crap**__!_

How the hell did Morgana realise he was behind the giant rock? He had been so good at hiding, snooping around, swooping behind things, and being completely natural thanks to his two and a half years of sneaking about. He had a moment when he thought he had been caught but Morgana had been so oblivious that he had thought he had gotten away with it.

_How the fucking hell did she catch him?!_

"Did you really think I'm that stupid, Merlin?" she purred.

"Erm…well, actually, yes."

"_I beg your pardon?!"_ Morgana shrieked indignantly.

"Well, erm," he said nervously, crap how did he get into this situation? "This isn't exactly the first time I followed you, and you never noticed before….err….this really isn't helping the situation is it?"

"No," Morgause said flatly.

"When?" Morgana demanded. Her eyes flashed with fury. "When did you follow me?"

"Well, there was that time I followed you after Gwen's father died, and witnessed you plotting to kill Uther, and then I followed you again when you tried to kill Uther, and stopped all of those men the sorcerer had brought with him," Merlin ticked the first two off with his fingers, "and then I followed you when Mordred started to visit you in your bed chambers again, and I followed you when you went to warn Alvarr, and then there was that time I thought you were plotting to kill Uther again only it turned out you were buying him a birthday present." Merlin said counting the last three and he gleefully held out his hand to Morgana. "So only five times if you don't include tonight."

"Oh my God!" Morgana gasped absolutely disgusted not only with Merlin but herself, how the fuck did she not notice this clumsy idiot following her? "You're a fucking stalker!"

"_What?!"_

"I said you're a _fucking stalker_!" Morgana shrieked.

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"You so are!" Morgana shouted. Tired of her childish argument with Merlin that was not only humiliating her in front of her super cool sister but making her throat rather sore. "You sneak in the shadows, follow me in the woods, throughout the whole castle I can't turn around without bumping into you there!"

"I live and work there!" Merlin protested.

"I bet you spy on me so you can see me naked!"

"Why _the fuck_ would I do that?!" Merlin yelled back half frightened and completely freaked out by the turn this conversation has headed to. "I've already seen you naked, you stripped right in front of me on my very first day thinking I was Gwen, and let me tell you there was nothing that impressive to look at."

"YOU DID _**WHAT?**_!"

It was then that Merlin realised just exactly what he had said to Morgana. A girl. _A fucking terrifying girl_. A fucking terrifying girl who had magical powers and a beheading-addicted king for a guardian.

Oh fuck!

"Erm…."

"Merlin," Morgana said in a deadly quiet voice as she regained control over her temper, "I am going to give you up to the count of five. One-"

Merlin disappeared before she even finished saying the word one but that didn't prevent her from catching up to him, stripping him naked, and then chaining him up to a tree.

It was incredibly embarrassing to explain it all to the Great Dragon much later.


	150. The Wrong Romantic Conclusion Returns

**Summary: **Arthur wrongly accuses Merlin and Morgana…again.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Morgana.

Once again it really wasn't Merlin's day. Not only had he endured a long (and admittedly awesome) journey on the back of a dragon, after having just been cured from a poison sting of a deadly creature, but he had to suffer Arthur's grumpy attitude which included throwing heavy objects at Merlin's head, and now he was being dragged into a secret nook of a hallway (_seriously why was this thing built? There is no need for it_) and being threatened by a very vindictive Morgana (apparently Arthur isn't the only noble who is nasty before breakfast).

"Just imagine what Uther would say if a serving boy poisoned his beloved ward," Morgana purred dangerously.

_Oh fuck!_

Why the hell did Merlin have to poison Morgana? Not only has it driven her into the arms of sheer evil but now she has something to hold over his head permanently. _Forever_. Even worse than the time she had caught him – err let's not talk about that. It will only embarrass him further.

Merlin swallowed nervously and tried to make a witty comeback about how he was so not scared (when in reality he so was) but he was interrupted by a sudden, burning hot, hand on his arm and yelped in an incredibly manly way.

Oh! _All right_! He screamed like a girl and that smug prat won't let him live it down.

Nor will Morgana.

"You guys have got to stop making out in the hallways," Arthur said exasperated, he rolled his eyes irritated and steamrolled over whatever protest Merlin had managed to summon to his lips. "I don't care if you two haven't had a shag in the last year, or that father has lost his marbles, it isn't an excuse to be all over one another in broad daylight in a public place!"

"We're not shagging!" Merlin and Morgana shouted in unison.

"Uh-huh," Arthur said disbelievingly, "tell that to the maidservant who just told all of her friends, including Guinevere, that she saw the Lady Morgana drag Merlin into a secluded corner and proceeded to ravish him." Merlin was certain he made some more protestations but Arthur completely ignored him. "Merlin, go clean my armour, my chambers, my clothes, and then bring lunch up for me. Morgana….go do girly stuff."

"Eloquent," Morgana snorted.

"Shut up," Arthur grumbled before he stormed off.

"Oh I can't believe him!" Morgana snarled. "As if I would ever snog _you_."

"Excuse me?" Merlin raised an eyebrow. "You would be so lucky. If anything I should be offended that he thinks _I _would ever snog _you_."

"_What?_!" Morgana squawked indignantly. "I am the highest lady in Court, I am the King's Ward, I am insanely beautiful, talented, and intelligent, and you think you can do better than _me_?"

"Yes," Merlin said simply, "there are many women out there who are beautiful, talented, and intelligent without being fake-"

"_Fake?!"_

"Nor are they bitter, full of resentment, deceitful, and plotting against her own family," Merlin continued as if she had never spoken. "Besides what is wealth, power, and status to someone like me? That stuff is all meaningless."

"Fine!" Morgana snapped. "You can do better than me but I so can definitely do better than you as well!"

"You cannot!" Merlin exclaimed. "All the men you interact with are either your guardian, Gaius, or the knights. Unless you want to be stuck eternally with a moron or a man a billion years older than you then you can most definitely not do better than me."

"There's Arthur!"

"_Really _Morgana?"

"Oh shut up!"

There is a moment of awkward silence as Merlin became far too aware that he and Morgana were mere centimetres away from one another. He could feel her breath on his face for Christ sake! So it was no surprise, despite the disapproval of Arthur, Morgause, Gaius, and the Great Dragon, despite the fact that Uther would chop his head off, and Morgana was now an evil bitch, and he really didn't want to prove Arthur right….

….They snogged in the secret secluded area of the castle anyway.

Well, after all, it was so obvious that's why the area had been built all of those centuries ago.


	151. Seduction 2: The Older Sister!

**Summary: **Merlin gets seduced by Morgause.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Morgause, mentions of Morgana/Merlin, and brief implications of Merlin/Gwen, Merlin/Arthur, and Merlin/Gwaine. Yes I'm rather aware that Merlin has become a bit of a man-whore.

Merlin was desperate.

Very, very, very desperate. So please don't judge him on this. After all he was being held captive by two insane and incredibly evil witch sisters, one of them had been one of his friends before this and had abandoned him to her much scarier and far more evil sister for a torture session.

And, unlike Arthur, he had no probably admitting that Morgause could so beat him in a fight and then some.

So far nothing bad has happened, Morgause was only questioning him about his loyalties and why he was so desperately loyal to Arthur. While he just evaded the question as best as he can (because quite frankly he can't just say a great big stinking dragon told me to) it was unfortunately not enough as Morgause continued to pursue the topic.

"No," she purred dangerously and a very Morgana like way, yep he can now see the resemblance, he hadn't before what with Morgana being pale and dark haired, and green eyed, while Morgause was tanned, blond haired, and brown eyed, and actually looked more like Arthur's sister than Morgana's… "There's something more. Something you're not telling me."

"I told you," he whispered.

"I really don't think you did," Morgause said sweetly, "but don't worry," she purred again, much more evilly this time, as she dragged a finger down his cheekbone. "I'll get it out of you."

Merlin gulped at that. There was something ever so ominous about the way Morgause had sat that last little bit.

He was waiting, terrified out of his mind, for her to pull out some sort of torture device, like a mini rack, or thumb screws, or even a spell that would make his insides burn and his balls fall off, and therefore it really surprised him when she straddled him and kissed him instead.

"Wha – Hmmph!"

Morgause kissed him again, much more fiercely than before, and Merlin couldn't help but relax into it.

Yes he is aware that he was kissing an enemy, someone who probably like to see Arthur's head on a platter (but in all fairness who _doesn't_ first thing in the morning?), and that she was the scariest thing in the world but _goddamnit!_ She was a woman, and he was a young boy only just about to leave his teens, he should be allowed to sow his wild oats!

That, and no one else he knows can boast that a beautiful, terrifying, super-powered woman wants to shag him.

So yes, he went at it with Morgause shamelessly.

But he was no idiot, despite what Arthur's thinks, and the moment a satisfied and half out of it Morgause slumped against his chest, he cast a sleeping spell on her, grabbed his clothes, and legged it back to Camelot.

Unfortunately, as Arthur firmly believes, he wasn't that intelligent or he would have remembered to put his clothes back on before he went through the city gates.

According to Gwen it was the best sight the lower town had in over a decade.

MMMMMMMM

Morgana was furious.

Not only were all of her plans ruined, but they were ruined by Merlin, her poisoner, her traitor, the boy she had left in her sister's care chained up in enchanted chains! _What the bloody fuck happened?_

She demanded as much from Morgause the moment she greeted her that evening.

"Merlin?" Morgause asked eagerly. "Did you see him? Did you talk to him? What did he say? Did he mention me?"

Morgana blinked, stunned at her super cool sister's sudden transformation in personality, and then, her eye twitched as realisation dawned on her. "You slept with him!" she hissed.

"I was only trying to seduce answers out of him," Morgause played with her hair dreamily, "It works on all the other boys, but he was just…._so good_," she finished with a groan.

Morgana's eye twitched again. She was all too aware of how good Merlin was because she had been there herself. Trying to seduce him to forget that she stole Arthur's key, only to end up forgetting the key herself, and be caught by Arthur of all people…Merlin was obviously too good for his own good, she couldn't help but wonder where he learnt it all (if it is Gwen, best friend or no, she will scratch her eyes out).

"How dare you!" she snarled. "Merlin is mine!"

Morgause's eyes flashed angrily. "I thought you had given him up because he poisoned you," she snapped, "you can't take him back now, I have him."

"I only gave him up because you told me too!"

"Then you're an idiot!"

"He was mine first!"

"Finders keepers!"

"Bitch!"

Her eyes flashed gold and Morgause's dress ripped into two. Morgause shrieked in anger, "Why you little brat!" and with a wave of her hand, Morgana was covered in mud.

"Right that's it!" Morgana roared as she suddenly tackled her older sister to the ground.

As Morgana and Morgause proceeded to have the worst fight they ever had (it was worse than the time Morgause found Morgana stealing one of her necklaces a few months back) that included, hair pulling, slapping, magical spells to humiliated one another, and a lot of wrestling, a smouldering gorgeous man (in his opinion) sat on the hilltop watching them as he ate an apple.

He whistled appreciatively as Morgana pinned Morgause onto the floor and proceeded with the typical 'why are you hitting yourself', "Whoever this Merlin is," he said as he flipped his gorgeous brown locks, "he is so going to be my new best friend. Merlin and Gwaine," he took another bite of his apple, "the new brand ladies fight over."

Meanwhile in his bedroom Merlin shudders as he has a sudden feeling that not only were two people fighting over him (please don't let it be Arthur and Morgana it was horrific the last time) but someone wanted to get him into some sort of trouble.


	152. What Gets Goblins Off

**Summary: **Arthur isn't that stupid but unfortunately his intelligence comes with a price.

**Pairings: **Goblin/Gold and implied Merthur.

_Just once_, Merlin thought darkly as he and Gaius ran down the corridors of the castle in an attempt to capture an evil magical creature, _I would like a normal day at work_.

It all started when Gaius wanted that fucking heavy and incredibly dusty excuse of a book, which happened to be on a secret passage way bookshelf, that led to a room filled with magical stuff, that included a prison for a Goblin, which of course Merlin just had to release him, did he?

God sometimes Merlin hated himself.

Anyway, after chasing after the infernal beast, having ruined his hard work in Arthur's chambers, been caught by Gwen 'stealing' Morgana's jewellery, and now actually stolen Arthur's monthly allowance (which the prat keeps under his bed, the dollop head!) to bait the little green monster, which was escaping again, Merlin really wished he could take a holiday.

"MERLIN!"

Oh fuck, what the hell has happened _now?_

Merlin turned to find, much to his horror, that Arthur was limping his way towards Merlin, his curtains tangled around his legs, and a look of pure fury on his face.

"Arthur!" Merlin squeaked in an attempt to sound cheerful. "What are you doing up at this early hour?"

"I want my money back!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Merlin said quickly.

"Really?" Arthur raised an eyebrow. "_Really?_ Do you think that I'm _that stupid_?"

"Yes."

"_Merlin_!" Arthur shouted. "I knew it was you that stole my money and sabotaged my bed, and I want you to give me my money back, then go back to my chambers and fix my damn bed, and then you can tuck me in, and read me a bedtime story, and _don't_ tell anyone, got it?"

Merlin ignored the usual orders and just stared at Arthur gobsmacked. "How the hell did you know it was me?!"

"_Mer_lin you have served me for almost three years, if I don't know how your footsteps sound, and what you smell like, and see the difference between my chair and the colour of your hair, then I would be…well, you."

"Okay," Merlin said nervously, "I stole your money but for a very good reason."

"I'm waiting," Arthur crossed his arms.

"I'll show you!" Merlin blurted out. He knew there was no way that Arthur would believe him if he told him the truth. "It's down this way, Gaius was chasing after it."

"_Mer_lin," Arthur growled as he ran after his irritating manservant. "This isn't going to be like the time you wanted to show me that mole on your arse when I asked you why you were late."

"NO!" Merlin flushed humiliated. "And I only showed you that because I thought I had a tumour!"

Merlin threw open the door to a storage room where Gaius sat on the floor slightly concussed as the green creature with blue hair rummage through Arthur's money deposit chest that he had since he was five and started to save his allowance instead of spending it immediately on sweets (he still spent it on sweets only now Merlin has to buy them for him).

"What on earth is that?!" Arthur shouted out. "And _what the hell is it doing to my money_?!"

"That…is….well…a Goblin," Merlin mumbled, "And he is…well…he is wanking over your gold coins!"

"Merlin," a very green Arthur started weakly, "when this is all over and done with, don't give me my money back."

Merlin nodded before he swooped in with the box and tried to catch the Goblin. Unfortunately he wasn't fast enough and the Goblin turned into a gold spark and buzzed around like an irritating fly as Merlin tried to catch it (proceeding to knock Gaius over again, and smack a very indignant Arthur in the face with a lead lined box…ouch!) before it suddenly went into Gaius' ear.

Both Arthur and Merlin snorted at the dumbstruck expression on Gaius' face.

"That's what your face looks like on a daily basis," Arthur informed Merlin.

"And yet, sire," Merlin said very sweetly, "I am still prettier than you."

Whatever insult Arthur was about to come up with was interrupted by Gaius suddenly going down on his knees before the chest full of gold coins and taking them out one by one and…

"Oh my God!" Arthur cried out in revolt. "_What is he doing_?!"

"Well now…" Merlin said as he shuddered in horror. "The Goblin has possessed Gaius who is snogging your gold coins….with a lot of tongue," he turned a similar shade of green as Arthur. "Oh God that is disgusting!"


	153. Rescue Party

**Summary: **Was it just me or did it look like even Morgana and Uther didn't quite believe Merlin was guilty in 3x03?

**Pairings: **mentions of Arthur/Gwen and Merlin/Morgana.

Gwen and Arthur barely looked at one another as they raced down the stairs to the dungeons. They were in silent agreement that Merlin needed to be rescued before Uther burned him at the stake.

Gwen knew there was no way innocent, sweet, and quite frankly adorable Merlin could ever do something as evil as make her fart in public like that. Arthur, on the other hand, was less inclined to agree with Gwen but a. she told him out flat if he ever wanted to kiss her again he will help her save Merlin, and b. Gaius had been acting a little oddly to the point Arthur suspected there was some truth in Merlin's story.

"Merlin!"

"Gwen! Arthur!" Merlin cried out delighted. He thrusted a hand out between the bars of his cell which Gwen took gladly and pressed a loving (purely platonic if Merlin wanted to keep his head on) kiss on it. "I knew you would believe me!"

"Yeah sure," Arthur said rather unconvincingly, "we believe you mate."

"Oh Merlin!" Gwen said tearfully. "Do you have any idea how to get that horrible, horrible, creature out of poor Gaius?"

Merlin was about to answer Gwen when was suddenly interrupted by a panicked shout.

"Merlin!"

They turned surprised at the entrance of the entirety of Camelot's Knights being led by Sir Leon, each and every one of them were covered in pus filled boils, and boy did they look furious.

"I didn't do it!" Merlin said quickly.

"We know," Leon said tenderly. "They started to appear after Gaius gave us a free pitcher of ale. It's what made us realise you were telling the truth…well that, and Gaius was behaving very oddly in the Tavern. He called me all sorts!"

"Let me get this straight," Merlin said with all the self-control he had, "Gaius was acting out of character, and despite what I had said very publicly earlier that day about him being possessed, you accepted a drink from him anyway."

"Yes," Leon said firmly.

The only reason why Merlin didn't burst into a rant about how fucking stupid all knights were was because he really didn't want to piss them off and make them (and Arthur) abandon him in the dungeons leaving only Gwen to rescue him. No offense to Gwen but she's never had to pull off a rescue plan on her own before, and she was far too honest for her own good.

Fortunately he wasn't alone in that feeling as Arthur face palmed and Gwen released a very heavy sigh that signified another stupid word from Leon or the other knights may very well lead to her having a nose bleed out of frustration.

"Merlin!"

To Merlin's irritation a half smug Morgana strolled down the stairs, looking far too pleased with herself. However, much to his own smugness, her smirk disappeared at the sight of Arthur, Gwen, and all of the knights. _Ha!_ Serves her right for trying to come in and rub it in his face that he was in a cell about to be beheaded for sorcery while she got off Scott free.

"I was so worried about you," she lied sweetly, "I was going to rescue you."

"Sure you were," Merlin rolled his eyes.

"No," much to his surprise she held out the key to his cell, "I really was," she then pushed Gwen out of the way and took Merlin's hand, her claws of an excuse of nails dug into his skin painfully as she whispered deadly, "_if anyone is going to kill you it will be me_," in a much louder voice she continued, "Gaius had been horrid to me earlier, it was so out of character of him that I knew you were right."

"Thank you Morgana," he said fondly.

Though he did pinch her hand in return leaving a purple bruise after all he wasn't that forgiving. Morgana shot him a dark dirty look but he was starting to translate that as love, you know in a pure platonic friendship way, as she seemed emotionally stunted as Arthur is now.

Before anyone else said a single thing another voice rang from the stairs.

"Mar-err-_Boy_!"

Merlin choked on his saliva as Uther came down, with all the smugness and confidence of both Arthur and Morgana, and looked at Merlin with a strange look on his face. Fondness maybe, or worry, or maybe it was just indigestion and he was going to blame that on Merlin as well.

"I have come to rescue you," he said grandly. He then frowned at the sight of everyone in the small hallway between the stairs and Merlin's cell. "Though I see I am not the first, why exactly is my own children, a servant, and all my knights breaking my laws?"

"Why are you breaking your own law?" Morgana retorted back as the others stuttered their pathetic excuses.

"Touché," Uther said proudly, "my arrest of poor Mervin here-"

"Merlin," Merlin corrected the king absentmindedly.

"- was a ruse," Uther carried on as if Merlin had never spoken. "Gaius has been acting in a very odd manner including slapping my head which he never does, and therefore I knew there must be some truth in Martin's words."

"Merlin."

"And so my plan had been to make the Goblin think I was going to burn Marvin when in reality he was going to help me save Gaius."

"_Merlin_," Merlin corrected the king once more, "and thank you, sire but hang on, I don't understand."

"Oh how refreshing," Arthur muttered sarcastically.

"Well I understand a little, of course Gwen and Arthur would rescue me, but why is all the Knights, my sworn enemy, and the King of Camelot rescuing me as well?"

"Didn't we just explain it to you, boy?" Uther snapped frustrated. "Good lord Arthur how do you put up with this stupidity?"

"With the patience of a saint," Arthur said dramatically.

Merlin snorted but refrained from commenting. "All right," he said, "I have a plan to rescue Gaius but I really do need someone to let me out of this cell."

So after being set free Merlin told them his plan which consisted of poisoning Gaius (much to everyone's discomfort Uther was a little too gleeful in doing the act) and once his guardian was completely goblin free, everyone gathered in his rooms with a couple pitchers of wine to celebrate as Merlin returned their belongings the Goblin had stolen. He very reluctantly returned Morgana her healing bracelet back which she thanked him, much to his surprise, with a big kiss on his cheek.

(He had Gaius check that she wasn't wearing poisoned lipstick or the like and strangely enough she hadn't been, perhaps there was still hope for her after all, or maybe it was due to all the wine she drank.)

"How can we ever reward you for such bravery?" Uther asked.

"Oh, it's nothing," Merlin said flustered, "in fact it's the least I can do after I accidentally released it in the first place."

Everyone suddenly went deadly silent and Merlin realised he stupidly put his foot in it. "You did what?" Uther growled.

"Oh come on!" Merlin wailed. "I'm not the idiot that left the Goblin lying around in the Library in the first place!"

He, of course, ended up in the stocks for three days in which all of his friends, and the King! Gleefully threw vegetables at him for the entirety of it, and no he wasn't kidding, Uther even threw a potato at him when he was just about to drift off to sleep.

So much for being a rescue party!


	154. Lady Farts

**Summary: **Merlin was wrong, Gwen was right, and Arthur is definitely that shallow.

**Pairings: **Arthur/Gwen and Merthur.

It was a couple days after the whole Goblin incident. The sun was shining, there wasn't a fart to be heard, or a boil to be seen, and everyone was hiding in their rooms to avoid discussing the whole embarrassing affair.

Despite being accused of sorcery, thrown into the dungeons, and almost being killed by his own guardian being possessed by said Goblin, Merlin was far too cheerful for Arthur's liking.

"So," he said merrily as he pumped up Arthur's pillows, "it's a nice day out. _Very _nice day out. Perhaps instead of training with the Knights, like you always do, you could take Gwen out for a picnic."

"Why would I do that?" Arthur asked.

"Well," Merlin blinked, "because you like her."

_You prat_ was hanging between them silently and because of that Arthur glowered at his pain in the arse of a manservant. "And? _How many times do I have to tell you?_! My father would never allow me to be with a servant!" he was so sick and tired of telling Merlin this. Nearly every time he speaks to Guinevere Merlin immediately starts making wedding plans. It was incredibly annoying. "Besides…" he added uncomfortably, "I could never speak to Guinevere after that embarrassing incident."

"So you sprouted donkey ears and talked like the ass you are," Merlin said cheerfully, "Gwen isn't shallow, she doesn't care, besides she thought it was rather cute."

Merlin, on the other hand, thought it was freaking hilarious but that's an entirely different story.

"No not that embarrassing incident which if you speak of again I will have you in the stocks with nothing but your neckerchief to protect your modesty," Arthur said quickly, "I'm talking about _the other_ embarrassing incident."

"What other embarrassing incident?"

Oh please let it be good. Let it be so embarrassing that Merlin could hold it over Arthur's head the next time he wants a day off.

"Well…you see….it wasn't very lady like of Guinevere to fart like that in public."

"_What?_!"

"Oh don't look at me like that!" Arthur snapped. Indignant that Merlin so much as dared to look at him with such disappointment. "After the incident with the troll. No one in Camelot can stand bad smells, and they want, need, a queen that is feminine and delicate, and the upmost ladylike creature in the world. Someone like…like…well you."

"_Me?_!"

"You're such _a girl, Mer_lin," Arthur said exasperated. "I have never once heard you fart or burp, and while you're a clumsy oaf, you somehow managed to do it all looking rather graceful."

"Was that a _compliment_?" Merlin asked astounded, then he shook his head, "that's not the point! The point is that I'm _not_ a girl, and you're a shallow tosser! Gwen has plenty of grace and femininity!"

"I can't marry a girl who farts so disgustingly!" Arthur protested. "Besides she doesn't have the cheekbones like you do."

Out of sheer desperation, because quite frankly Merlin didn't want to marry the prat, and after having defended said prat to Gwen (who rightly thought Arthur was this shallow), Merlin felt it was his duty to make Gwen seem the better choice, he squeezed his buttocks and with all his force tried desperately to fart.

"Merlin…what are you doing?"

Merlin was very aware that his face was almost purple and scrunched up while his shoulders are hunched, and his bum jutted out for the world to see.

"I'm really, desperately, trying to fart," he admitted as he squeezed tighter.

_Damnit!_ Of all the days for him to have constipation it had to be this one!

"Hmm…" Arthur said disturbed as he edged slowly away from Merlin. "Perhaps Guinevere is the correct choice after all."


	155. Gwaine's Fan Club

**Summary: **Merlin, Morgana, and Gwen bond over Gwaine. Arthur is unimpressed.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Morgana/Gwen friendship, implied Arthur/Gwen, and mentions of Gwaine/Morgana, Gwaine/Gwen, and Gwaine/Merlin.

**Author's Note: **This chapter is dedicated to TVnut who wanted more Gwaine. Hope this is a start for you XD

Arthur stood at his favourite position at the castle that allowed him to overlook the main road leading out to the forest. Gwaine was slowly turning into a small dot on the road as he left Camelot for what could be forever.

Merlin sighed heavily. "What a pity," he murmured.

"I know," Gwen said in agreement, "such a waste."

Arthur stood there bewildered as he wondered what on earth Gwen and Merlin could be talking about but unfortunately before he could ask he was suddenly pushed out of the way by Morgana.

"Are you talking about _him_?" she asked excitedly.

"Yes," Gwen and Merlin confirmed in unison.

"Oh a complete waste isn't it?" she pouted. "Of course Uther would throw out a perfectly fine example of manhood from Camelot."

"Well of course," Merlin rolled his eyes, "can't have his precious son's ego destroyed with that fine specimen of a man showing him up."

"Err…hello," Arthur said as he waved his arms. "Standing right here."

All three turned round and gave him dark unimpressed looks. It was pretty much the norm for Morgana, she shot him that look pretty much every day since the first day they met at the age of seven, and it suited Merlin who gave him a variety of insulting looks throughout their friendship, but sweet Guinevere? Kind Guinevere? _Lovely_ Guinevere? It really shocked him that she could look at him in such a manner, it didn't suit her face either. Her lovely round, warm, wide-eyed face should always be smiling, not giving him a dark flat look that suited the pale, sharp faced Morgana and Merlin.

"Unfortunately," Morgana said coolly.

Arthur decided it was best for his ego if he ignored that. An argument with Morgana will only lead him to wanting to commit suicide. "What's so special about Gwaine anyway?" he demanded to know. "He's just a drunk."

"Well for starters he is charming," Morgana began.

"Very sweet," Guinevere added.

"Polite in that rough, pauper, drunken manner," Merlin continued dreamily.

"Strong."

"Brave."

"Funny."

"Sexy."

"Persistent."

"The best fighter I've seen."

"Respectful."

"And," Merlin finished as a tiny bit of drool rolled down his cheek (EW! Arthur was so going to need a new servant now. Gwaine broke this one...another thing to bill him for). "He has the best abs I have ever seen."

"_Oh my God_!" Gwen cried out as she flushed a bright pink. "Did you see him _shirtless?_!"

"Better than that," Merlin smirked, "he slept in my bed shirtless the entire time. Not only was I given a show but my bed now smells of him. And boy does he smell so good."

"I hate you," Morgana burst out, "I have no choice but to kill you now for this."

"Will this appease you?" Merlin asked as he held out two locks of dark brown hair to the girls. "I cut them off while he was sleeping off his hang over."

At this point Arthur decided to edge away from the crazy people before Merlin produced Gwaine's little toe or something equally disturbing.

The girls squealed and hugged Merlin tightly before taking their locks of hair. "Best friend ever," Morgana reassured Merlin now. She then sighed as she clutched Gwaine's stolen lock of hair to her chest. "I just wish I got to speak to him properly before he left."

"It is a pity," Gwen sighed in agreement, "You may have had more luck with him. I brought a brand new dress just for him, it was all pretty, and pink, and extra special, brought out my eyes, and instead of taking me right there and then he just told me that I should go be with Arthur."

"Urgh," Morgana groaned, "what a waste of money.

"It was still worth it," Gwen protested, "After all he is the most gorgeous man alive."

Morgana and Merlin shrieked their agreement and they then began to list all of Gwaine's physical virtues starting with his chocolate brown eyes to his incredibly rock hard sexy abs. "Urgh," Arthur moaned in disgust, "_fangirls_!" he then proceeded to have a far more intellectual conversation with a brick wall.

Though seeing as one of those 'fangirls' was Merlin it wasn't that hard for the brick wall to say something intelligent.


	156. Revenge Best Served With Chains

**Summary: **an alternative version of 3x07

**Pairings: **Implied Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Morgana, and Merthur.

Merlin couldn't help but smirk as his spell worked and Morgana was now laying on the floor injured. Oh don't look at him like that! Morgana has turned into an evil cow and those with a brain knows it.

So only him and Gaius but he had a feeling Gwen suspected.

Anyway, he had hoped that with Morgana injured at least Arthur and he would go off on their own to rescue Gwen's brother (the safer option) but Morgana was being a stubborn bitch, and now they were all arguing, with Merlin forcefully pushing Morgana back on the ground every time she tried to stand.

"We can't go on without her," Gwen said worriedly, "these woods are too dangerous for her to be on her own."

Merlin didn't believe so seeing as Morgana had her magic, her sister watching somewhere, and probably an entire army at his command but he couldn't point that out to Gwen and Arthur. Especially Arthur. Because he is a prat. A big fat prat. A big fat – oh right, he was getting off topic.

"Well I'll look after her," Merlin offered sweetly.

"Brilliant idea!" Arthur smirked.

"What?" Morgana screeched. "I do not need looking after Arthur Pendragon especially by Merlin!"

Arthur's smugness faltered at that, and if he weakened Morgana would steamroll all over him, and Merlin's plan would fail if Morgana won this fight. Therefore he took action before anyone else spoke. He scooped Morgana up in his arms (and staggered under her weight, she wasn't as light as she looked). "You carry on, sire, I'll find somewhere safe and set up camp," he said as Morgana failed in his arms, screaming, and shouting abuse in his ear. Before Arthur could argue with Merlin, he turned and ran for it.

"Good man, Merlin!" Arthur shouted after his best friend (don't tell him he said that).

Gwen turned to face him, she was nibbling her lip worriedly like she usually did (at least he thought she did, he hasn't spent as much time with her as he would like), and her eyes widened fearfully.

"Are you sure to leave them on their own?"

"Not really," Arthur confessed, knowing full well that Merlin was likely to end up killed, either by Cenred's men or by Morgana herself, he wasn't sure, "but like Merlin has been kind enough to give us a moment alone I thought to repay him."

"Merlin _and Morgana_?!" Gwen gawked.

"Yes," Arthur grinned glad to know something before anyone else, then his grin faltered. "Well, not lately, I think they had some sort of lover's spat recently, probably because _Mer_lin stupidly treated Morgana like a girl, they've been shooting murderous looks at each other all night last night. If we give them time alone then maybe they'll sort out their problems, and my useless manservant could go back to being just terrible at everything instead of doing nothing at all."

"Hmm…" Gwen said hesitatingly.

She had the feeling that Arthur had the wrong conclusion…so completely wrong.

As usual Gwen's feelings were right as a gleeful Merlin tied Morgana to a tree, with the chains she had tied him up with months before, yes he has been carrying them with him since that moment in hopes of having his revenge, and no, no one noticed him rattling for the last few months, morons.

"I'll get you for this!" Morgana hissed.

"Maybe," Merlin grinned, "but not anytime soon," he then promptly gagged her and ran off to rescue Arthur, Gwen, and unknown brother of Gwen's.

Did he get any appreciation for his efforts?

No, of course not!

Arthur told him off for coming after them and putting himself in danger. And then when he saw what Merlin did to Morgana, he was even less pleased.

"Merlin!" he snapped. "I don't care what bondage practices you're into, don't do it in the woods!"


	157. I Informed You Thusly

**Summary: **Merlin tells Arthur something while Cenred is being creepy.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, and Cenred/Merthur.

**Author's Note: **Once again inspired by the Big Bang Theory. This chapter is inspired by a conversation between the boys in early series 4. This is about the fourth chapter inspired by that show, and I have to consider why. I think it's because the characters have that similar banter to Merlin. I can't help but sometimes think Arthur is a mix of Sheldon and Howard, while Merlin is a mix of Leonard and Raj. Although I see traits of Sheldon in Merlin and traits of Raj in Arthur as well. Morgana is definitely Penny, and Gwen is most definitely poor Bernadette.

Arthur was not in a good mood.

It was bad enough his beloved Guinevere had been kidnapped right in the heart of Camelot, but then tortured, and having her brother's life threatened unless she brought him, Prince Arthur, to Cenred. That was crap on its own. What really made it worse was that he had ben outsmarted by Cenred, chained to the walls of a crappy cell, next to _Merlin _of all people!

Merlin the smug who had warned him about this being a trap.

"I-"

Arthur snapped at the sound of Merlin's voice.

"If you tell me I told you so I will hit you," he warned his manservant. He really wouldn't put it past Merlin to go on and on how he was right and Arthur was wrong. "And then I'll make you suffer the rest of your miserable life."

"Fine!" Merlin shouted, he sounded very much like a child being told off, and from the corner of his eye Arthur could see him pouting. "I wasn't anyway," Merlin lied terribly, he so was going to say I told you so. "I was going to say I informed you thusly."

"You_ what?_"

What the fuck did that mean?

"I informed you thusly, oh I so informed you thusly, I informed you thusly over and over again, and did you listen to me?" Merlin bemoaned like the fishwife he was. "_No_! And now look what has happened we're chained to the dungeons together while Gwen and Morgana are God knows where."

"Merlin, what does I informed you thusly mean?" Arthur growled in frustration.

He had a fair idea but he wanted confirmation from Merlin's lips, that and he wasn't entirely thinking straight as all he could think was that poor Guinevere, and Morgana, were probably being tortured by Cenred as they speak.

"What?" Merlin said teasingly. "Can't your little pratly prince brain comprehend big words?"

"_**MERLIN**_!"

"What?" Merlin asked, his face the perfect picture of innocence.

Arthur snorted. He wasn't that easily fooled. "Tell me what it means or I will put you in the stocks upon arriving back in Camelot."

"Oh fine!" Merlin huffed. "Err….it means," he swallowed, suddenly loosing al of his bravado. "Well I told you so."

Arthur managed to reach other and slap Merlin despite the restraints. Merlin would have made an annoying tirade of a compliant (and Arthur knew this because the manservant had opened his mouth) but he had been interrupted by a very creepy laugh that caused them both to look at the door where through the slot they could see Cenred and Morgause peering through.

"Perhaps after I get everything I want to know from you I will make you two my jesters," Cenred mused, "you're both very amusing."

"Arthur," Merlin whispered, "he creeps me out."

"I know," Arthur murmured reassuringly, "me too."

"Arthur..."

"Yes, Merlin?"

"I informed you th-OW!"

Arthur refused to apologise for the kick. Merlin deserved it for being so annoying, and for attracting leather breeches wearing creeps on a rescue mission.


	158. Uther's Rare, VirtuallyUnseen, Good Mood

**Summary: **Uther's sudden (uncharacteristic) burst of good nature in 3x10 continues and has consequences for Merlin.

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, Uther/OCs, and parental Uther/Arthur.

Arthur was trembling.

_Don't you dare tell anybody!_ Though he was pretty certain no one would fault him for being terrified of his father. Uther was a rather terrifying person. So terrifying that Arthur has not met a person who can look Uther in the eye for more than a few seconds, without sweating, and definitely without the trembling.

And Arthur had just caused his father to have a temper tantrum as he had not only refused to be married to Uther's chosen princess but was now caught kissing a servant in the woods not that long afterwards.

So Arthur had no shame in trembling….but still don't tell anyone, especially _Merlin_, because Merlin would definitely laugh at him,

He was expecting his father to throw a hissy fit, banish Guinevere (or have her executed), and force Arthur to marry Elena right this instance.

Instead his father burst out in joyful laughter that really threw Arthur off.

"I thought you would be angry with me," he said nervously.

He was still waiting for a lecture.

"I was young once," his father said cheerfully as he grabbed Arthur's shoulder affectionately. "I'm more than aware of the temptation of serving girls, in fact even today I have this very nice serving girl, all curves and red lips, who gives me a sponge bath."

"_Father_! **TMI!** _**TMI**_!" Arthur shouted as he tore away from his father's grip and clutched his ears in desperation to block out any more of this sponge bath serving girl. Fortunately his father was too busy laughing at him to lecture him about his manners. He couldn't help but grin at that. "I am relieved," he confessed, "I really did think you would be angry with me."

"I'm relieved too," Uther said, his voice filled with a rare affection and cheerful quality, "for quite some time I thought you were gay," he continued on, "with your lack of interest in any woman I approve, or any woman at all, and you spend all that time with-"

"Wait_! What?!"_ Arthur shrieked. "Why would you think I'm gay?!"

"Well that manservant, of course," Uther rolled his eyes, "you're always with him, you take him on quests when there is no need (you're not King yet, my boy), he gives you massages, half naked ones, he bathes you, he dresses you, he goes beyond the point of loyalty. What else was I supposed to think?"

"That I'm a prince and it is his duty to do all that?" Arthur snapped irritated.

"Arthur," Uther said exasperated, "I'm _King _and I don't even have people dress me. Well, unless I'm given a new serving wench, when you're King you can so take advantage of-"

"La, la, la, la, la, not listening!" Arthur sang as he clutched his ears. "And I'm going to prove to you, I'm not gay, especially with _Merlin_-"

"Who?" Uther blinked.

Arthur ignored him as he marched off to find Guinevere and prove his heterosexuality very thoroughly.

"THAT'S MY BOY!" Uther shouted after him. "GO AND MAKE ME LOTS AND LOTS OF GRANDBABIES! JUST MAKE SURE THEY CAN'T INHERIT THE THRONE!"

At that Arthur ran as fast as he can, red as the Camelot banner, and when he found Guinevere, he dragged her into his chambers, and totally proved his point.

Later that night, while Arthur and Guinevere had round five interrupted by Merlin with the dinner (yes he ended up in Gaius' chambers with a concussion given to him by a furious Arthur), Morgana slipped out to the forest to visit her sister.

"Well, sister?" Morgause asked after she greeted Morgana, "has Uther taken the bait and banished that Gwen?"

"Actually, no," Morgana scowled, "for some reason he's really happy that Arthur is wooing a servant."

"How odd," Morgause murmured with a light frown, "could have someone intervened and persuaded him out of his anger?"

"Must have done."

"There is only one person, sister, who could have done this."

"Merlin?"

"_Merlin_."

As Merlin got his injuries tended to by Gaius, he shuddered, he just had a feeling that someone wanted to kill him. And it was Arthur's fault.


	159. The Perilous Tavern

**Summary: **Even in the worst country in the world, with no population, and only a wasteland to boast, can Gwaine find a tavern.

**Pairings: **Implied Merlin/Gwaine, Merlin/OC, Gwaine/many OCs, and OC/OC. Oh, and of course, Gwaine/Booze.

The perilous lands were a very dry, ravaged, country. There wasn't a single thing that was beautiful or scenic about it. It was enough to make a weaker man turn round and forget saving that useless arse of a prince.

Unfortunately neither Merlin nor Gwaine were a weaker man.

It was a few hours when they realised that they didn't bring enough water (or booze) for this quest and soon enough the heat of this horrible wasteland got to them and they collapsed on the hard ground beneath them.

"Water!" Merlin gasped.

"Mead," Gwaine moaned desperately.

After a moment the ground beneath him actually began to feel comfortable, and Merlin soon closed his eyes, and felt his usual sleepy smile cross his face. What did it matter that Morgana was slowly sucking the life out of Arthur? It was no more than what she did during the usual dinner conversation three times a week. Besides the prat managed to stay alive for the first twenty years of his life without Merlin….surely he would figure out to take that stupid bracelet off?

(In hindsight Merlin realised he could have solved everything by telling Arthur how girly that bracelet was. Well, fuck, no wonder Gaius calls him an idiot as well.)

Suddenly Gwaine jumped back onto his feet and pointed ahead. "Oh my God, Merlin, _look_!" he cried out excitedly.

"What is it Gwaine?" Merlin mumbled, he didn't want to get up, he was too tired…

"A Tavern!"

This made Merlin sit up as his eyes shot open (and promptly blinded him by the bright light of the sun), "_What?!"_ Merlin rubbed his eyes. "Are you sure, you're not hallucinating? Or you know suffering withdrawal it has been almost twenty four hours since your last drink."

"I'm fairly sure that isn't a hallucination," Gwaine said not acknowledging the implication that he was an alcoholic (why argue with the truth?). "Look at it! Isn't it beautiful?"

Merlin had to admit it was an adorably quaint building. It reminded him a lot of the small, stone, building that Merlin and Arthur had first met Gwaine in. there was even a sign hanging above the door: **Welcome to the Perilous Tavern: Enter at your own Peril!** _How freaking cute is that?!_

"C'mon on Merlin," Gwaine fluttered his far too long to be manly eyelashes, "just one drink."

"Well," Merlin bit his lip hesitatingly, "I am thirsty."

"That's the spirit! Ooh let's have one of those for our first drink!"

Before Merlin could protest that Gwaine snatched up his hand and dragged him across the vast space of nothing between them and the local pub, and pushed him through the door. There is a moment of awkward silence as everyone turns to look at them. Merlin couldn't help but swallow nervously as he realised they were surrounded by magical creatures.

No he was not kidding.

They were at the magical pub.

There were nymphs and dryads, giggling in corners, goblins, sidhes, and all other kinds of fae (Merlin had to suppress a shudder when he saw a troll and a pixie sitting close together – too many bad memories), and there were lots and lots of druids sitting together, there was even a unicorn drinking wine out of a trough!

He blinked.

They all blinked too, looking at him.

"_**EMRYS**_!"

Merlin almost leaped out of his skin as everyone shouted that joyfully and then cheered and cheered for him. Some even bowed! "Come in, come in!" the ogre bartender roared with delight. "Drink on the house, my lord, no, all drinks free for you, and your friend!"

"Sounds brilliant to me," Gwaine grinned, "two cups of your finest ale." He seated himself down at the centre table and dragged Merlin next to him, "Mer," he whispered quickly, "what does Emrys mean?"

"Err…" he couldn't tell Gwaine the truth! The magic was supposed to be a secret for a reason! "It's Gaelic for the gorgeous one," he lied quickly.

"Why yes I am," Gwaine flipped his hair back, "thank you for noticing it."

A very beautiful nymph edged her way close to Gwaine. She giggled at his natural beauty and shyly asked, "Erm….are you the Once and Future King?"

"I'm whatever you want me to be," Gwaine purred.

She let out a shrill excited scream before she ran back to her friends. Soon enough Merlin and Gwaine found themselves surrounded by beautiful females as the drinks kept coming. At first Merlin found it rather overwhelming but slowly, and steadily, and surely, he found himself incredibly drunk with a incredible beautiful dryad sitting in his lap.

"Take me to the moon and back, my lord," she whispered huskily.

"After this drink," Merlin said hastily. He didn't want to spill his cocktail all over the pretty flower dress this girl was wearing. He was certain flowers couldn't be washed like normal clothes. That and he really, really, really, liked his drink, it had a little umbrella, and preserved cherries in it! "Hmm…I can't help but think I forgot something. Do you know if I have forgotten something?"

"Only that there is a bedroom upstairs, my lord," the dryad said flirtatiously.

"Nah," Merlin said dismissively, "I knew that. Gwaine ran up there with about five of your friends." He shrugged and took another sip of his cocktail. "Oh well, it couldn't have been that important."

Meanwhile, laying on the hard ground, sweating like a pig, and most definitely dying, Arthur Pendragon cursed Merlin with his last breath. He was so certain all of this was his useless manservant's fault!


	160. Another Rescue Party

**Summary: **Instead of just getting Gwaine (who can, let's face it, be rather unreliable at times), Merlin rounds up the troops to rescue Arthur.

**Pairings: **implied Merthur, Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Merlin friendship, actually friendship between everyone including the dwarf character (cannot remember his name), and Bert/Percival.

**Author's Note: **To understand the names mentioned at the end of the chapter please re-read Watching Merlin Part 3.

Arthur blinked.

One moment he had fallen unconscious, probably out of dehydration, and the next he was on the floor, with a very familiar face hovering over his. Like only two centimetres away. He knew those high cheekbones, those narrow blue eyes, and that annoying, irritating, smile like the back of his hand.

It was Merlin.

"AH!" He screamed sitting up.

Merlin also yelped, staged backwards, and landed on his bottom, like the clumsy fool he is.

"_What the hell are you doing here_?" Arthur demanded.

"Why is it you can never say thanks?" Merlin pouted childishly.

"Why can't you get through your thick skull that I have to do this on my _own_?!"

"Oh I can hear the princess has awoken," a familiar, irritating, drawl came from the door way. Arthur whirled round to see Gwaine leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, with a grin that was almost irritating, Gwaine waved patronisingly at Arthur. "Good morning sunshine," he said sweetly.

Arthur had to suppress even more irritation. Why did Merlin have to bring that drunkard on his quest? It was bad enough that his servant gate crashed it, but now he was going the throw a party around it? "Great," Arthur snapped, "is Gwen and Morgana here, are we to have a surprise party?" he asked sarcastically.

"Well…" Merlin scratched his head idiotically. "Not Morgana." He admitted.

"Not Morgana," Arthur repeated, "_not Morgana_, what the hell does that mean, _Merlin_?!"

"Merlin!" a familiar, polite, and far too noble for his own good, voice cried out. "We have slain all those cousin of the dragon beasts like you asked. Is Arthur safe?"

Arthur's eyes widened as Lancelot strolled in with a big hulking guy not far behind him. And he meant big, like gigantically huge, like enormous, like, well incredibly intimidating, and abnormally big. It was enough to make any man feel inferior.

"Arthur!" Lancelot smiled delighted. "I'd like you to meet Percival."

"Hi," Percival murmured shyly.

"We found your sword!" another voice cried out.

Before Arthur could speak, so he could, you know demand why the fuck they were there. Elyan and Guinevere passed Arthur his sword. "It was a little mangled by that weird dragon beast thing," Elyan said.

"It's not a dragon," Merlin muttered darkly.

No one paid him any attention. "Gwen and I managed to mend it though," Elyan continued as if Merlin had never spoken at all, see? No one paid Merlin's dark mutterings any attention. "And you said a hammer would be useless, Merlin."

"No," Merlin disagreed, "I said, we're going on a dangerous quest, are you sure you want only a hammer to defend yourself with? And you said, shut up Merlin."

"I like you Elyan," Arthur said fervently.

"Yeah, you never had to grow up with him, though," Leon smirked as he strolled in in, "All safe?"

"What are _you_ doing here?!" Arthur yelped. "You're supposed to be _on holiday_!"

"Merlin asked me to come," Leon shrugged.

Arthur turned to look at Merlin with the deadliest look in the world. "Did you have so little faith in me, Merlin?"

"Yes," Merlin deadpanned immediately.

It took the collected strength of Lancelot, Gwaine, Leon, Elyan, and Percival to keep Arthur from strangling Merlin after that.

Not that he noticed, Merlin and Guinevere were too busy talking about the poor décor of the perilous lands.

MMMMMMMMMM

"MERLIN!"

For someone who was so sure Arthur was going to be in need of rescuing, Merlin was incredibly good at being needed rescued, and Arthur couldn't help but snort at the hypocrisy as his friends pounded on the stone wall like door that blocked their path from Merlin.

"Merlin!" Guinevere cried. "Oh no! What if the Fisher King is still alive and he kills Merlin? Or worst_ molests_ him and then kills him! _Or what if there's a monster eating him right now?!_"

"Guinevere," Arthur said comfortingly, "I wouldn't worry. Merlin is so useless and cowardly that an incy wincey spider will terrify him into death."

"OH MY GOD MERLIN IS GOING TO BE EATEN BY A GIANT SPIDER!" Gwen shrieked. She snatched up her sword and started to chip away at the stone wall. "DON'T WORRY MERLIN, I'LL SAVE YOU!"

The men all turned round and gave Arthur a look that if they had magic, would have turned Arthur into a pile of ash.

"Way to go, Arthur," Elyan said sarcastically, "get her all worked up."

"Genius," Gwaine agreed mockingly.

"If that's how you comfort a woman then I feel very sorry for your future wife," Leon added.

"Oh…shut up!"

MMMMMMMMMM

So the quest ended with an anti-climax as Merlin turned out to be all right, stupid as ever, but all right, and the trident Arthur wanted was on the floor covered in cobwebs and dust, looking very unimpressive.

They camped out together for the night and much to Arthur's irritation it was spent with them gossiping about his flaws (which Merlin totally made up by the way), as he polished his trident, and no that wasn't some sort of sexual implication like Gwaine made it out to be.

Soon enough they reached the bridge and the strange dwarf that had greeted Arthur by the name Courage, grinned and them. "So it turned out Courage, Magic, and Strength did need a little extra help after all," he said as he let them pass. He grabbed Gwen's hand, and squeezed it. "Thank you, Kindness," he said, "your recipe worked wonders."

"You're welcome…erm…ah….Oh God! I am so, so, so sorry but I had forgotten your name!" Gwen cried out.

"Call me Bert," the dwarf said kindly.

"You're welcome Bert," she smiled.

"Come again, I wouldn't mind sharing knitting patterns with you, and I'd love to know where you got that fine tunic, I've been meaning to go shopping."

"I will," Gwen promised.

"Well then," Bert the Dwarf declared, "best you all go home then. Farwell, Loyalty, and Nobility, and Creativity. And," he drawled out with all the sexual promiscuity of Gwaine, "Goodbye Virginity," the dwarf called as he sent Percival a flirtatious wink.

Percival flushed a bright red and Lancelot had to console him and reassure him that there was nothing wrong with being a virgin at his age, even though he did have to admit he lost it years ago with Gwen, but fortunately Arthur didn't hear that because he was too busy teasing Merlin.

"Look at that Merlin," Arthur smirked, "You have an admirer."

"What made you think he was talking about _me?_!" Merlin yelled.

"Oh come on, _Mer_lin, as if you're strong, or noble, or magical, or creative, loyal I would have given you, but you are definitely a virgin. A great big girl's blouse, and for some reason that appealed to Bert over there, you should go back, it might be the only chance you have sex."

For some reason, as if by magic, a tree root shot out from the ground and hit Arthur straight in the crotch causing him to keel over in agony.

Ah, justice.


	161. Hungover

**Summary: **Did anyone else wonder where the hell Morgana and Gwen were in 3x09?

**Pairings: **Sisterly Morgause/Morgana, friendship Gwen/Morgana, and very, very implied, Gwen/Gwaine/Morgana if you squint.

Morgana slipped out of her room, snuck through the corridors of the castle, out of the castle, through the entire city of Camelot, and several miles into the forest, all in the bright red cloak that Uther had gifted her for being pretty and witty in general.

Moronic, stupid, guards, people of Camelot, servants, and Knights, didn't notice a single fucking thing.

As usual.

Hmm…she was going to have to change that when she becomes Queen, or people like Merlin, will very easily overthrow her.

"Sister!" she hissed into the darkness. "Sister!"

There is a crunching sound and Morgana whirled, round, fireball spell at the ready, only to find herself face to face with Morgause.

"What is it, sister?" Morgause asked.

"Uther!" Morgana exclaimed cheerfully. "I just received news that he is at his deathbed. Some witch had snuck into Camelot, and used Gaius somehow, to poison him! And even better, there is no cure!"

"You mean…?"

"Uther will be dead in the morning!"

"This is excellent news, sister," Morgause smiled, "one less enemy to deal with, now all we need to do is be rid of that irritating manservant and convince Arthur to abdicate for you to inherit."

"We should celebrate," Morgana smirked.

"I'll get the mead," Morgause said excitedly.

There was another crunching sound and the two sister turned to see Gwen standing in the clearing. They were just about to knock her out, tie her up, and maybe torment her until she told them more about Arthur, before leaving her to die in the woods, when Gwen very sweetly said, "I don't suppose I could have some of that mead?"

"What do you mean?" Morgause asked suspiciously.

"Well, Uther did kill my father," Gwen said pointedly, "I wouldn't mind rejoicing in his death with you."

Morgause grinned and went to fetch some mead and some glasses while Morgana stared worriedly at Gwen. "How did you know I was here?" she asked.

"Morgana, you were in _bright red_!" Gwen exclaimed. "If you don't want to get caught next time I recommend you wear your dark green cloak. Honestly, how the guards haven't caught you yet, I don't know."

Morgana flushed a red that matched her dress and cloak but before she could say anything else, or question Gwen on her true loyalties, Morgause came back with the mead and they made a toast to Uther's death and world of freedom.

Several drinks later, their cheeks bright pink, and they were all feeling very giggly, Morgause magicked a drum to play a beat, and Gwen started a bonfire which Morgana burnt an effigy of Uther in, as the three of them started to dance around the fire hand in hand with some of the Morgause's absolutely gorgeous slaves – err…Morgana means the men from Cenred's army that the king kindly lent them.

And then someone else joined the party, and he held up a couple wineskins as a peace offering, as he said, in an incredibly sexy and familiar drawl, "Awesome party, can I join?"

MMMMMMMM

The next day, sometime in the afternoon, Gwen and Morgana finally make it back to the castle. The sun was making their headaches even worse, but not as bad as they become when they were suddenly ambushed by Arthur.

"Morgana!" he shouted. "Guinevere!"

"_Shh_!" Morgana hissed as poor Gwen whimpered in agony.

"Where have you been?" Arthur demanded loudly.

"_Shh_!"

"Are you two hung over?" Arthur asked in disbelief.

At this point Morgana snapped and grabbed Arthur by the front of his shirt and pulled him in. "_I told you to shut the fuck up, didn't I_?" she snarled furiously.

"I…I…I think I'll just go train with Merlin," Arthur squeaked. "I just wanted you to know that Gaius found a cure and Father has no recovered."

"WHAT?!"

Gwen thought she was going to die right there and then. Morgana's shrill voice pierced right through her headache and made a brand new one. Thankfully Morgana threw Arthur back onto the floor and together she and Gwen went and hid in Morgana's bed the covers pulled right over their heads.

"It's not fair!" Morgana bemoaned.

"I know," Gwen said soothingly.

Though privately she hoped Morgana would shut up so she could go to sleep and be rid of this horrible headache. And then she could focus on getting her memories back from the night before. She had an awful suspicion that she might have just joined the dark side.

"What happened last night?" Morgana asked ignorant of Gwen's plight.

"I don't know," Gwen frowned, "I think Gwaine might have been there…"


	162. The Eye of the Bunny

**Summary: **The beginning of 3x08 was so funny but it missed a couple things…and then I just couldn't help but write a complete piss take.

**Pairings: **implied Arthur/Gwen and some Gwen/Merlin friendship.

"And you're going to stand here and watch?"

Gwen didn't know whether to be impressed with Merlin's loyalty and dedication (who would have thought that the disobedient, bold, and incredibly defiant boy that came to Camelot all those years ago would become such a good servant) or be suspicious that Merlin was up to something. After all he had just spent the last two minutes taking the mick out of Arthur and teasing Gwen about her relationship with said prince.

"Gwen," Merlin exclaimed in an innocent hurt voice, as if she had just implied something hurtful. "This is one of _the_ most important days of a prince's life."

Oh it was definitely something to be suspicious about that. And therefore Gwen shot him a sceptical look mixed with some light scolding which of course made Merlin relent and give in to her.

"And I'm going to be taking the piss out of him the entire time," he admitted sheepishly.

Gwen sent him an even more sceptical look. Merlin can be a bit of a…well a boy when it came to tormenting Arthur but he wasn't a callous dick (that would be her boyfriend).

"Oh all right!" Merlin cried out. "I'm going to be taking the piss out of him while sending subliminal messages that he should do something safe."

"How are you going to do _that_?" Gwen asked warily. "He is in a room no one is allowed to enter, and even if you did, he is mediating with his eyes shut, it's not like you can wave a banner in his face reading **DO SOMETHING SAFE YOU NITWIT**! Is it?"

"It's called whispering, Gwen," Merlin said as if she was an idiot. She raised an eyebrow at him and he immediately looked apologetic, very sweetly too, she had no choice but to forgive him, the manipulative boy! "Watch," he crept back to the door, pressed his lips against the crack of the door. "You will do something safe," he whispered loudly, the whisper echoed throughout the hall, "you have already proven yourself a worthy prince, if a tad arrogant, and a prat, and a bit of a bully, but the point is you have defended Camelot well, you have fought the worst of magical beasts, you have defeated the worst of sorcerers, rescued deadly magical items, and now all you have to do is prove to your kingdom that you are humble. Do something safe, bake a pie, do something safe, sew your manservant some new socks, do something safe, wash all the castle walls, do something safe, muck out the stables, do some – _**AH**_!"

Gwen winced as Arthur snapped, grabbed hold of a candlestick and threw it at Merlin, it successfully smacked him in the face, which caused him to stagger backwards and land on the cold stone floor unconscious.

"WHAT PART OF LEAVE ME ALONE, DIDN'T YOU GET, _MERLIN_?!"

Gwen panicked, quickly slammed the doors, and ran to check Merlin. Fortunately he didn't seem to be on death's door, unfortunately, however it appeared Merlin wasn't going to wake up anytime soon. And while Gwen is rather strong, and Merlin is very skinny, Gwen still couldn't carry him back to Gaius' chambers…or really that far from the doors to be honest.

She had ran home with the full intention of getting Elyan's help but she had to do the laundry, cook the dinner, and help Elyan with the accounts, by the time she remembered Merlin had been left injured and unconscious on the floor, she had been asleep for hours.

Elyan had just told her to shut the fuck up and obviously Merlin will be fine.

Why did she want to live with her brother again?

MMMMMMM

Merlin had been woken up by Uther.

The uncaring, cold hearted, bastard of a king, trod on Merlin's stomach…with his steel tipped boots! Merlin had shot up with an agonising scream that only got a slightly raised eyebrow in return.

"Why in God's name are you sleeping on the floor, Marvin?"

"Merlin," Merlin corrected him for what had to be the tenth time this week alone.

"Whatever," Uther shrugged. "Just stop making my floor look messy. If I wanted a rug I would have someone put a bear skin, or maybe a deer skin, on the floor, not your skin."

"Right, sire," Merlin said nervously, "can you get off of me now?"

"No."

Then everyone but Leon proceeded to walk on Merlin as they entered the hall. Morgana, the cow, even jumped on him a couple times, he was certain she broke a rib or two.

Uther's cold demeanour melted slightly as he reached his son. "It is time," he said gently as he touched Arthur's shoulder, Arthur slowly stood up, and faced them all with the most serious facial expression Merlin had ever seen on his face. "What is the quest you have chosen?" Uther asked gravely.

"I see only but one path and one path alone," Arthur said solemnly. Merlin closed his eyes, prayed fervently. As he crossed his fingers behind his back, please let it be something safe, please let it be something safe, please., please, please…"My quest is," Arthur said in a slow dramatic declaration that made Merlin want to punch him. "To slay all the bunnies in the land."

There is a moment of silence, and Merlin is not kidding, he swears on his father's grave that he heard crickets chirping.

"What?" Uther said in disbelief.

"I am to go through our kingdom and rid it off its worst vermin," Arthur said passionately, "it is my destiny to protect our people from that vile creature you have told me in your tales," he continued, he then grabbed Leon on the shoulder, "don't worry sir, I will avenge your father."

"My father died from a heart attack," Leon said confused.

At this point Morgana had totally lost it and fell on the floor in hysterical laughter. This time Merlin couldn't blame her. He was half tempted to join her, or bash his head against a wall nearby, he wanted Arthur to do something safe, not murder all the cute little furry creatures in the world!

How the hell was that different from any normal day?!

Uther, however, face palmed, "I knew I should have fought Gaius more when he insisted I tell you a bedtime story," he muttered darkly.


	163. Poor Spell Casting

**Summary: **Morgana's spell didn't work in 3x08 but not due to Merlin's interference…

**Pairings: **Sisterly Morgana/Morgause.

Morgana managed to successfully escape into the forest for the fifteenth time this week alone. Of course it wasn't just to plot evil but to just catch up, have a little gossip, and sisterly bonding time with her sister. A couple days ago they had sat in the meadow and braided each other's hair but that's an entirely different story, and definitely not the point right now.

"Sister," Morgause called out softly, taking in Morgana's worried face, "What is the matter?"

"The spell didn't work!" Morgana all but wailed (she wasn't Arthur, a cry-baby, but she was extremely upset that her brat of a brother is still breathing.) "Arthur is still alive."

"Did you do the spell right?" Morgause asked.

"What do you mean by _that?_!" Morgana glowered.

"Only that, well don't take this the wrong way darling, but you spell casting isn't actually that good."

"What! Like _you're_ any better," Morgana sneered. "Has any of your spells worked out for you? After all Camelot is still standing, and Uther is still alive."

"Which wouldn't have been the case if that irritating manservant of Arthur's didn't interfere all the time!" Morgause snapped. "Now did you follow my instructions word to word?"

"Of course I did!"

"It's all right if you haven't," Morgause said much more kindly, "It's not like you could have written it down."

"I am not a simpleton!" Morgana stomped a foot. "I did everything like you said and it didn't work!"

"Let's have a look then," Morgause sighed as she held her hand out. Furiously, Morgana slapped the straw figure that had a lock of Arthur's hair tied at its heart. Morgause stared at it in disbelief. "Sister…I said burn a likeness of Arthur," she said slowly. "That doesn't look anything like Arthur! No wonder the spell didn't work!"

"Oh….shut up."

MMMMMMMMMMM

Meanwhile Uther sat comfortably in his throne as his slaves – err he means loyal subjects petition him for help, both financial and legal, while sucking up to him. It was one of his favourite things….being fawned over that is.

"Your most majestic highness," the leading, rather filthy, peasant grovelled at Uther's feet, "We are in desperate need of your help."

"Do tell," Uther said with all of his magnificent majestic-ness.

"We fear that we are being attacked, your royal godliness," the peasant carried on, "attacked by magic."

"_WHAT_?!" Uther stood up suddenly. All of his super coolness lost in a fit of temper. "WHO DARES USE MAGIC IN **MY** REALM?!"

"W-w-w-we don't know!" the peasant stuttered. He was now sweating, such a disgusting creature, Uther thought darkly. "Sire," the peasant swallowed nervously. "It appears all the scarecrows in the land has withered and died. Some have even…well burst into flames, Your Majesty."

"I will send my best knights to find who has done this atrocious act," Uther declared, "I will endeavour to keep your fields safe."

The peasants cheered and Uther had to signal the guards to drag them all out before they molested him with their dirt covered hands, and leave horrible hand prints all over his lovely new red cloak.

"Gaius," Uther hissed as he sat back down on his throne, "psst, Gaius."

With a disobedient roll of his eyes Gaius leaned down to Uther's level. "Sire?" he asked curiously.

"What the hell is a scarecrow?"

Gaius made no coherent reply, much to Uther's displease, as he merely face palmed.


	164. Dumped

**Summary: **Merlin is a bit too clingy and Freya has to break his heart. Fortunately she has an idea of a new girlfriend for Merlin.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Freya, Freya/OC, and implied Merthur. Oh and a few other implications of other pairings but nothing worth mentioning.

Merlin nervously rowed his way into the centre of the lake of Avalon.

He wasn't quite sure what he would be greeted by. It could be a heard of angry sidhes trying to kill him, after all he has killed a handful of their kind in his destined duty of protecting Prince Prat, or it could be Nimueh's ghosts about to throttle him in revenge for exploding her with lightening. Or it could be as he dreamed, and Freya will rise to meet him, with a sweet lovely smile, and the flutter of her long lovely eyelashes…

The water around him bubbles slightly and he fights back the urge to scream like the little girl Arthur always accuses him of being.

Slowly, ever so slowly, in such a painful manner, a small but strong hand rises up from the water with Excalibur firmly held between its tiny fingers.

He knew that hand.

Admittedly, the hand had previously looked a little more delicate, a great deal more filthy, and far more pale than this hand (how on earth did Freya get a tan when she's dead and living under the water?!).

He accepted the sword, and placed it into the boat, before he grabbed hold of Freya's hand, it felt soft against the rough (and sorely abused by all the chores Arthur forces upon him) skin of his own hand.

He then slowly bent his head over the hand and pressed a kiss on Freya's hand.

Then another.

Then another.

And another, and another, and another, and yes he might have moaned in between, but he was showering affection on the only bit of skin available of his one true love.

"Merlin," Freya moaned.

He pressed another kiss on her hand.

"Merlin."

And another.

"_Mer_lin."

And then another.

"_Merlin_!"

And another five for good luck.

"Merlin! For fuck sake!" Freya shrieked as she pulled her hand out from his. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Arthur can wait," Merlin said dismissively. "He's too busy sulking to notice that I'm gone." He reached out for her hand again only to have her slap him away.

"Go and save Camelot," she ordered him sternly.

"Camelot can wait five minutes," Merlin said lazily, "c'mon on Freya, we haven't seen each other for almost two years, magical puddle aside."

"Merlin," Freya sighed sadly, "I didn't want to do this to you but it appears I have no choice."

"What?" Merlin blinked.

"I've…I have met someone else!" she blurted out.

"_How_?!" Merlin cried out. "You're living in the middle of a lake."

"A _magical_ lake," she corrected him, "there are lots of gorgeous magical creatures about. I met a very nice Merman."

"Who is he?" Merlin demanded rudely. "I'll fight him for your hand."

"He's the prince over there," Freya pointed to a Merman who was incredibly buff and over-muscled, much like Arthur, with blonde hair, much like Arthur, and beautiful facial features, much like Arthur, and a demeanour about him that screamed bullying prat, much like Arthur. "Isn't he dreamy?" she sighed.

"I…You…but…_what about us_?!" Merlin wailed.

Freya raised a perfectly arched eyebrow. "What about us?" she asked scathingly. "You were sweet and rescued me, which I was grateful and now have repaid you fully, and we shared one chaste kiss, but that doesn't constitute a marriage. I may be dead but I'm not bound my vows or blind."

"But I love you!" Merlin protested.

"Do you even know me?"

"Err..."

"I thought as much," Freya tried to give him a comforting smile, "why don't you find someone who is more…well alive, and not living in a lake, and is someone you have known for more than a couple days."

"I don't know anyone."

A lie, since he obviously knew Arthur (_urgh)_, Gwen (adorable but just a friend), Lancelot (taken), Gwaine (Lord knows what diseases were riding in that), Gaius (Ewwwwwwwwwwww), Uther (Double Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww), Morgana (shudder), Leon (he doesn't like beards), and many, many, many bad people who try to kill Arthur…not a good start for a relationship with him when he is destined to protect the freaking prat.

"I'm sure a snog with Arthur will help fulfil your destiny," Freya hinted.

"You've been talking to the Great Dragon, haven't you?!" Merlin demanded furiously. "I swear he's out to ruin every relationship I have with a girl!"


	165. Sun Tan

**Summary: **Did anyone else notice that between most of the third series and it's finale that Merlin suddenly got a tan?

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur and implied Gwaine/Merlin.

It had been a great awe-inspiring moment.

One of those moments that will go down in history and become a legend. Something that future kings will aspire to. Something so magnificent that Gaius felt tears well up in his eyes he was so proud to be part of this.

And then Gwaine suddenly ruined it all.

"Next order of business," he said once the knights, Arthur, and Merlin all pledge their loyalty to one another. "Merlin where the fuck did you get that suntan?"

Gaius had expected Arthur and the others to tell Gwaine off. Remind him that they were about to go into war and Merlin's tan means nothing right now. Instead each and every one of them turned round to face Merlin eagerly.

"Yes," Gwen agreed warmly, "where did you? It looks lovely."

"I'm out all day training and patrolling, and I could never get a tan like that," Leon said admiringly.

"What protection did you use?" Percival asked eagerly. "If I'm not careful I burn like a baby."

Gaius face palmed, children! Self-absorbed children!

"Oh…erm….well…." Merlin stuttered pathetically. "Arthur has been making me do lots of work outside?"

"I do not!" Arthur protested hotly. "I have you mend my clothes, launder my clothes, put my clothes away, tidy my chambers, polish my armour and sword, muck out the dark dingy stables, draw me a bath, fetch me my meals, make my bed, dress me, give me massages, and run my errands. None of that involves you going outside. You should be as pale as death right now, not gloriously tanned like us."

"Oh, erm right," Merlin mumbled as his cheeks flushed a bright red. Gwaine had shot him a smirk and mouthed the word 'massages' disbelievingly at him. Merlin tried, silently as possible, to indicate that it wasn't what it sounded like. "I went on holiday!" he blurted out.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Arthur roared furiously. Then, suddenly, his brain kicked in, and he blinked. "When?" he asked. "I don't recall you going on holiday."

"And if you did," Gwaine drawled, "why didn't you come and fetch me? I know all the good beaches, all the good taverns, and I can ensure you have the time of your life."

"Merlin, I order you to never go on holiday with Gwaine," Arthur said in his most bossy pratly voice. "Ever!" he added even more bossily.

"But-"

"No, Merlin," Gaius interrupted gently, "I agree with Arthur on this one."

"As do I," Lancelot agreed softly, "I have a suspicion Gwaine would severely compromise your virtue."

"Yeah, I will," Gwaine leered.

Merlin edged his chair away from Gwaine uncomfortably which unfortunately meant he ended right up against Arthur. Who was so not impressed, by the way.

"Okay, I didn't go on holiday," Merlin relented, "I was attacked by a sun creature!" he shouted lying quickly as possible. "It attacked me and burnt my skin, luckily, Arthur managed to wound it before it burnt all of it off and this tan was the result of it."

"I don't remember a sun creature," Arthur frowned.

"Of course not," Merlin lied sweetly, "it knocked you out and retreated. You can't remember anything from that day."

"Oh!" Arthur's eyes widened in realisation. "That explains it. Well men, I propose that once we retake Camelot we then hunt down this monstrous creature and slay it for good. FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S SKIN CARE!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S SKIN CARE!" The Knights repeated in a roar.

"Oh for the love of God," Gaius face palmed, "Merlin, why didn't you just tell them the truth? That you slathered fake tan on yourself that you had stolen from my cosmetic herb collection I was giving out to the ladies of the Court earlier this week?"

"And get called a girl, by Arthur?" Merlin raised an eyebrow. "No thank you."

At this point of time Gaius decided thumping his head against the hard, dusty, wood of the round table was far more worthy of his time than listening to this nonsense.


	166. Midnight Revelations

**Summary: **Did Merlin really think that only he, Lancelot, and subsequently Gaius, would be the only ones stressing out and unable to sleep? Seriously?!

**Pairings: **implied Merlin/Lancelot, Gwen/Lancelot, Merthur, Gwen/Merlin friendship, and Merlin/Knights friendship.

"Morgana has the cup of life. Once it is emptied her army is powerless."

Lancelot's eyes widened at the implication at that. Merlin will go after the cup, Merlin will empty it, and Merlin could be brutally murdered by the immortal army – _oh my God_! Lancelot has to stop him! Gwen would murder him if he let Merlin die.

"Are you _forgetting _something?" Lancelot whispered sternly. "It's guarded by an _immortal army."_

"Are you _forgetting _something?" Merlin smirked with his own brand of cheeky smugness that matched Arthur's arrogant smugness. "I have magic."

"YOU HAVE _**WHAT?**_!"

The pair of them jumped at the sudden loud noise. Merlin leaped out of his sleeping sack and into Lancelot's arms as Lancelot blinked stunned. How on earth did Gwen, Arthur, Gwaine, Elyan, Percival, and Leon get so close without him noticing?

"_Merlin,_" Arthur growled, "you better have a very good explanation about this."

"Err…well…you see…I was just joking?" Merlin suggested hopefully.

(Far away, sleeping on the floor which did nothing for his back, Gaius face palmed. That was the best excuse Merlin could come up with? _Utter moron!)_

"No you _weren'_t!" Gwen glowered at Merlin accusingly. "You thought we were all asleep. _Didn't _you Merlin?" she said in her no-nonsense, stern, and incredibly disappointed in you tone of voice.

Merlin virtually wilted at it and Lancelot didn't blame him. Who would want to disappoint Gwen?

"Yeah," Merlin mumbled. "Why aren't you all asleep?"

"_Are you freaking kidding me?!"_ Elyan half shrieked. "We're about to go into battle, just the seven of us, against _an immortal army_, and you're wondering why we can't _sleep!_ I'm thinking of my last will and testament!"

The Knights all mumbled their agreement.

"You lied to us," Gwen accused him. Forcing everyone to return back to topic. As they all turned to look at Merlin again.

"Sort of….I did confess a couple times, no one believed me."

This seemed to be directed at Arthur who smacked himself in the forehead. "I was an idiot to believe you, a girl, would be in love with another girl," he muttered.

"I can give you donkey ears again," Merlin snapped.

"Not helping your case, Merlin," Lancelot murmured.

"Did you heal my Father?" Gwen asked abruptly.

"Um….well yeah," Merlin scratched the back of his head, "I couldn't bear to see you so upset. You're my best friend."

"Oh Merlin!" Gwen cried out. "I forgive you!"

"Me too," Elyan chipped in.

"I don't really care about the magic thing," Gwaine shrugged, "I'm just miffed that you couldn't tell your awesome drinking buddy about it."

"If Lancelot can have you sitting in his lap," Percival said quietly, "then you're obviously not as bad as Morgause, and therefore I have nothing against you."

"I…." Leon paused for a long time, "let me think about it, yeah?"

Arthur said nothing at first. He just grabbed hold of Merlin by the waist and yanked him out of Lancelot's lap and onto his. "I'm not having you sit on my Knight's lap like a girl, _Mer_lin," he said disgusted, though he shot a dark look at Lancelot not Merlin. Yeah as if Lancelot dragged Merlin on his lap. He loves his friend but he isn't in love with him. All of that is for Gwen, sigh…"Fetch us some tea, and then you can tell us the whole story….and build up another fire, I'm freezing, and get us something to eat, I could do with a midnight snack, and-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Merlin said dismissively as he stood up (Lancelot swore he saw Merlin purposely stomp on Arthur's crotch causing him to yelp.), "I'll serve each and every one of your whim…._prat._"

"I heard that!"

Eventually Merlin completed all of Arthur's chores and sat back down, told his epic tale – though no one was impressed with the fact he had a. poisoned Morgana, and b. released the Dragon – and then revealed his plans.

In the morning, the cranky, sleepy, lot ran off into battle with Arthur wielding his birth right. They totally kicked arse, defeated Morgause, and with Arthur revealing to Morgana that he plans to return magic to Camelot as soon as Uther dies a natural death, Morgana surrendered to mercy and tried to redeem herself.

It lasted about a week, everyone's resentment for what she did and the truth about Merlin made her snap and she ran off to plot more or less against Merlin than Arthur this time, but it didn't bother anyone. Merlin was more than capable to shake off Morgana's spells.

Soon enough Arthur rebuilt a beautiful kingdom where everyone with and without magic lived happily ever after.

Well apart from Uther but no one cared about him.


	167. Merlin and the Bucket

**Summary: **Merlin calls Freya with the medieval version of a phone….a bucket of water.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Freya, Merlin/Bucket, Leon/Crossbow, and implied Merthur if you squint.

**Author's Note: **Inspired by Astiza's wonderful fic Awkward Moments – Read it!

It was an incredibly boring day.

No seriously, for once in Merlin's long career as Arthur's slave there was no assassination attempts, no evil witches plotting Arthur's demise, no monsters to defeat, no innocent magical people to smuggle out of the city, and no actual drama amongst the Knights, Gwen and Arthur, or any of the other courtiers.

It was _so_ incredibly boring.

And it meant that Merlin was incredibly stuck, with no excuse whatsoever, scrubbing Arthur's floors.

As he stared down the small soapy puddle he couldn't help but think of the last time he looked into a puddle, about three months ago much to Arthur's displeasure (yes it's been about four months since Merlin last scrubbed Arthur's floors, and the pig managed to get red wine stains all over the cold stone flags. _Arsehole_.), he had been talking to Freya.

It had been brief and Gwaine ruined it with his need to pee but it meant so much to Merlin to be able to see her sweet smile once more.

He peeked behind him, Arthur was nowhere to be seen and likely to not come in for hours.

He can see Freya undisturbed!

He murmured a spell, and the water rippled, slowly, eventually, Freya's image appeared in the water. "Merlin?" her soft voiced echoed.

"Freya!" He sighed dreamily.

"Is something the matter?"

"No….no….I just wanted to see you," he said uselessly, "I've missed you."

"I missed you too," Freya said warmly, "But shouldn't you be looking after The Once and Future King?"

"Eh, that prat can take care of himself for an hour," Merlin shrugged, "I…erm…well I like what you have done to your hair."

"My hair is wet because I live in a lake all the time," Freya blinked.

"Oh, well, erm…." He really wasn't good at this chatting up stuff. Maybe he should get lessons from Gwaine later? Gwaine knows how to chat up a girl. (On the other side of the castle both Gaius and Gwen shudder, they have a sneaking suspicion that Merlin was going to be corrupted very soon if they didn't run interference.). "Your skin is beautiful!" he blurted out.

"Oh!" Freya flushed. "Erm…thank you."

"Just like you," Merlin continued, "I mean you're very beautiful, err, well, like Gwaine said to the barmaid, your father must have been a thief because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

"Merlin…" Merlin whirled round to find Arthur by the door looking incredibly disturbed. "Are you flirting with a _bucket_?"

"NO!"

Arthur's disturbed expression turned into one of sheer disgust. "_You are_! Oh my God, if you're that lonely I'll introduce you to a serving girl."

"It's not like that!" Merlin protested.

"Don't lie to me, Merlin," Arthur sneered, "I've seen it all before with Leon and the crossbow."

"Leon does _what _to the crossbow?!"

"I rather not talk about it," Arthur shuddered, "now, fetch me my lunch, draw me a bath, scrub my back, then you can polish my armour, my sword, and launder my clothes, and whatever you do Merlin, stay away from my bucket."

"But-"

"_No_!" Arthur smacked Merlin on the nose as if he was a dog. He then snatched the bucket, sploshing water all over the place, much to Merlin's dismay Freya's sweet face ended up being stomped on by Arthur. "No bucket for you!"

"Does this mean I never have to wash your floors and fetch water for your bath ever again?!" Merlin asked hopefully.

Arthur sent him a dark glare. "Did you just flirt with a bucket in hopes of getting out of your chores?"

"No!" Merlin shouted. "Freya and I have a one true love that you can never understand!"

"You sicko."


	168. Like Father, Like Daughter

**Summary: **Did anyone else notice that Morgause had a bit of a disgusted and shocked facial expression when Morgana talked about killing all the knights until everyone accepted her as Queen? An AU in which Morgause redeems herself.

**Pairings: **Sisterly Morgause/Morgana, Morgause/Gwaine, Arthur/Gwen, implied Merthur if you squint, and mention of Agravaine if you also squint.

"Tonight we will build the gallows and each day the knights will die one by one."

Morgause stared at her darling little sister in horror. Did she not hear how she sounded at _all?!_ When did her sister become so bitter, and resentful, and, well, _evil_?! This wasn't the plan. Taking Camelot (and getting rid of the tyrannical Pendragons) was supposed to be the beginning of a peaceful age for both magical and non-magical people.

And yet here was Morgana murdering all the non-magical people causing them to resent magic even more.

"Oh fuck!" Morgause cursed as realisation sunk in. "I turned you into an utter nutter."

"I beg your pardon?" Morgana raised a cool eyebrow.

"I'm so, so, so sorry Morgana. I love you, honestly I do, you're my little sister," Morgause said gently, because it was the truth, "but you're not the Queen I hoped you would be. You are not the fair, just, and kind monarch we need to pave the way for magical users to live in harmony." Morgause swallowed as she took the plunge to tell Morgana the cruel, cold, hard, truth. "You are so bitter, so resentful, so full of hate, that you don't realise how much you sound like Uther."

"I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT TYRANT!"

"But you _do!_" Morgause pointed out in sad desperation. "Did you just hear yourself when you talked about killing off the knights? Exactly like Uther Pendragon."

"You are _wrong_," Morgana spat out, "in fact I suspect you are merely saying this because you want the throne yourself. Don't you, sister?" she said the word _sister_ mockingly. "It's not enough to be my advisor, you want all the power to yourself."

"You're mad," Morgause whispered horrified.

"You're either with me or against me, Morgause," Morgana carried on, her eyes wild with insanity, "just like Gwen."

"Then I am sorry, sister," Morgause said sadly, "for I did not do all of this for another Uther to rule Camelot."

And then with a gust of wind akin to a hurricane, Morgause vanished before Morgana could do something bonkers like set her hair on fire, and before she left Camelot for good, she set free all of the knights and led them safely out of the city.

After all she wasn't that _heartless._

MMMMMMMMMM

After two hours of wandering around helplessly with no purpose in life Morgause did a little soul searching and came to the realisation that it was Arthur she should pledge her allegiance to. To help mould to be a better king than his father, and to prod into accepting magic (without emotional manipulation this time).

So after she reactivated the spell in Gwen, why she didn't think of this earlier she doesn't know, she hunted them down and went on her knees begging for mercy.

Of course no one trusted her and were all highly suspicious of her.

"How can I trust you?" Arthur demanded to know. "You have just betrayed your own sister. How do I know this isn't a trick, or that you will betray me again when another claimant to the throne appears?"

"You don't" Morgause admitted, after all only a total idiot would trust Morgause after some of the stunts she had pulled in the past, "but if you want reassurance you can always assign a guard to me."

At this she winks flirtatiously at Gwaine, who is gorgeous, greeted her like a princess upon meeting her, and is definitely going to star in some of her dreams in the next few nights.

Gwaine smirked back and blew her a kiss.

"Oh God," Arthur groaned in disgust. "Fine, you can come with us but Gwaine won't be guarding you. I don't trust him from resisting any form of seduction. Hmmm…Lancelot, or Leon, Lancelot, or Leon…."

Arthur took so long deciding who should guard Morgause that they all went off, bonded over a game of poker, as Gaius told Morgause more about her parents, and she discovered Merlin's magic (gave him verbal hell which he gave as good as he got, and they decided to be friendly enemies rather than friends – she will never forgive him for poisoning her sister and helping her turn into the nutter she is), and finally have the most spectacular shag with Gwaine….much to everyone's disgust as they could hear every bit of it, but she was certain they were just jealous.

Finally Leon was chosen for guard duty, and together the pair of them kicked immortal arse as she led him to the goblet to be emptied, only to find that Merlin had beaten them to it.

In the end Morgause proved her loyalty to Arthur by binding a shrieking Morgana's magic (so what she deserved since she had been stomping her foot and screaming like a five year old).

All in all it was a rather good weekend despite its beginnings.

MMMMMMMMM

"So you are just letting her rule over a dukedom despite the fact she was a traitor not so long ago?"

It was a week after Arthur took back Camelot from his bratty, bitch of a half-sister, with the help of her own half-sister (yeah their family was complicated as fuck), and he was now in the middle of rebuilding his kingdom, looking after his mentally ill father, checking in on his equally mentally ill sister, and bossing Merlin around all day.

It was rather tiring.

And now he had to endure Leon's doubts over Morgause….again.

"Of course not!" Arthur said indignantly. "Do you think I'm an idiot like _Mer_lin, Sir Leon? Morgause needs to be kept on our side by all means but I could never fully trust her until I feel she is no longer a threat. I'm hoping that giving her her rightful inheritance, since Morgana is not Goloris' true born heir, will keep her sweet. But do I trust her to not use the wealth and men from that inheritance to make my life hell? _No_, of course not, that's why I'm sending in a spy in her household to ensure she is loyal or keep me informed if she start's to plot against me."

"Who?" Leon asked blankly, astonished that Arthur had come up with such reasonable logic. Usually he either blindly trusted people no matter what (a good example would be that Cedric fellow) or mistrust them to a ridiculous point that it sends them off to the deep end. "Who would agree to such a task?"

"Why you, of course," Arthur smirked.

Leon had to suppress a shudder at how similar Arthur's smirk was to not only Uther Pendragon's but Morgana's as well. He hasn't quite recovered from being imprisoned by that power hungry witch.

"Me?" he squeaked in an incredibly unmanly manner.

"Of course, who else could I trust to be faithful and not jump into bed with her like Gwaine did." Okay fair point. "And don't worry Morgause won't suspect you. I have the perfect disguise for you." Wait, what? Why does Arthur look sinister and evil like Morgana at this point? "Have fun, Lady _Leo_na."

"No," Leon whispered horrified.

"We would have to shave your beard off, of course," Arthur smirked like a maniac, "but Guinevere reassured me that you look quite fetching in a dress."

"I'm going to _kill _her," Leon swore under his breath.

"You're going to do _what _to the love of my life?"

"Nothing, sire," Leon said innocently, "I said that was nice of her."

"Hmm…" Arthur said disbelievingly, "then you won't mind having her shaving off your beard."

In the end, Morgause turned out to be quite trustworthy, she ruled her lands fairly without any urge to use them to mass an army against Arthur, and when Morgana and Agravaine joined forces, killed Uther, and continued to plot against Merlin (and subsequently Arthur), she gleefully plunged a dagger in that creep's stomach and helped discipline Morgana. Arthur ended up a great king and brought magic back, Merlin got to live freely as a Warlock (though not without being punished with a month in the stocks where Arthur viciously threw all sorts out of revenge for lying to him), and all the knights had fun in the tavern.

All in all everyone got a happy ending.

Apart from Leon who still had to wear a dress.


	169. The Decoy Prince

**Summary: **Instead of falling for a trap, Merlin and Gwen rescue Elyan on their own.

**Pairings: **Merlin/Gwen friendship….mostly but not in Elyan's eyes, Morgause/Cenred, brotherly Elyan/Gwen, sisterly Morgause/Morgana, Arthur/Gwen, Arthur/Elyan, implied Cenred/Morgana, Cenred/Merlin, and Gwaine/Merlin, oh, and I suppose Merthur subtext is there as well.

"I can't get Arthur involved."

"Gwen," Merlin said with gentle exasperation, "Actually," he interrupted, "that's not a bad idea."

"What isn't?"

"Well Cenred is obviously setting a trap for Arthur with you being the bait, and your brother, speaking of which why is it only now I'm learning you have a brother? I'm your best friend. We tell each other everything, I told you all about my mole, and that I have secrets in another world I would tell you, but you couldn't be bothered to tell me you had a brother? Where's the love Gwen? Actually where's your brother's love? Why isn't he in Camelot? Why didn't he come back when your father died? What sort of monster is your brother?"

"Merlin," Gwen said in a very Arthur 'shut up, Merlin' type of voice. "The point?"

"Oh right, yeah, well why let Arthur walk into a trap when we can use a decoy?" Merlin suggested. "That way we can keep Arthur safe, rescue your brother, and I can so take a holiday with this excuse."

"Pardon?"

"Well I'll be the decoy obviously."

"_Merlin_!" Gwen cried out aghast. "You can't pretend to be _Arthur_!"

"Why not?" Merlin demanded.

"Well, erm, for one thing I'm fairly certain it's against the law."

"What Uther doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Also…I, well, I, don't think Cenred will believe you're Arthur," Gwen blushed, she really hoped Merlin wouldn't ask why because she really didn't want to hurt his feelings

"Why not?" Merlin asked _Damnit!_ "It's not like Cenred has seen Arthur before."

"Well…you don't…Oh Merlin, no offense, but you don't look princely," Gwen blurted out, "you just look…well Merlin-ish."

"I wouldn't want to look like that prat anyway," Merlin grumbled childishly. "Look," he said collecting himself instantly before she could apologise. "We can't take Arthur because it is so obviously a trap but at the same time we can't not do nothing, your brother needs us, so I'll go nick some of Arthur's clothes and lighter armour, and you pack some food, by this time in a couple days it will be as if nothing has happened."

"Okay," Gwen relented with a soft sad smile, "thank you Merlin," she said as she hugged him tightly, "Now you go and take your time off while I pack," Merlin stumbled clumsily out of her house before he ran (and tripped) down the road. "I think I'll make some fake muscles," she mused under her breath, "just so you'll look a little more convincing."

MMMMMMMM

"So," Cenred said in what he thought was a sinister tone of voice but was, to Merlin, very creepy, especially in those tight leather breeches, "Prince Arthur, we meet at last…"

Morgause face palmed. "That's not Prince Arthur, you idiot!"

"If that's not Prince Arthur," Cenred frowned confused, "then who is it?"

"I am standing right here, you know," Merlin muttered under his breath, "royals."

"That is Prince Arthur's manservant," Morgause scowled, "he is a pain in the backside but otherwise worthless. You might as well just kill him now and get it over with."

"Hang on, hang on," Cenred argued, "he might be Prince Arthur, after all he is wearing mighty fine clothes for a servant." Merlin really didn't like the way Cenred leered at him, it was like the way Gwaine leered at him but without all the charm, and quite frankly Merlin just wanted to go home and have a cup of tea before Arthur notices he has come back and shouts at him again. "Very fine," he added in a purr.

_Urgh_, Merlin shuddered.

"Don't be a fool," Morgause scolded her ally, "he obviously stole those clothes from Arthur's wardrobe."

"But his skin," Cenred protested, "it's a fine creamy pale colour just like your rather fine sister."

"Arthur is the complete opposite of Morgana in appearance," Morgause was now practically breathing fire which made Merlin wonder if she had taken lessons from the Great Dragon, and seriously, why wasn't Cenred trying to run away from this horrifying sight? Merlin was! In fact he was slowly making his way towards the door as they speak. "And if I catch you eyeing up my sister one more time I will turn you into the pig you are, and I will carve you as you still live, and cook you for breakfast," Morgause hissed.

"Don't worry baby," Cenred patted Morgause's bottom, "you're the only girl for me."

"Why you little-"

Merlin took full advantage of Morgause and Cenred being distracted with one another and used his magic to promptly knock them out. He then charged out of the hall in order to find Gwen, his magic giving him the total advantage, as did the extra padding Gwen placed in between his armour and clothes, the swords just hit that instead of his actual limbs.

"Merlin!"

"Gwen!" Merlin cried out gleefully. "And Gwen's brother! Good, you got out safe, c'mon then before they wake up."

"Is that the Prince Arthur?!" Elyan asked gobsmacked.

"What?" Gwen scrunched her nose up disbelievingly. "_No!_ That's his manservant Merlin."

"Are you seriously telling me that I got kidnapped because you're courting Prince Arthur's manservant?!"

"_What?_! No!" Gwen shrieked flustered. "Merlin's isn't my _suito_r! He's my gay best friend! You obviously got kidnapped because you're an utter arse!"

"_Excuse me_?!"

The two siblings argued the entire time it took them to escape the castle, and yes because of that they were completely unaware of Merlin using magic to protect them from random fearsome soldiers.

Idiots.

Well not Gwen, okay, Gwen today, but normally she was so much smarter than that, Merlin was convinced that Arthur ruined her.

MMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur was determined to punish his manservant.

He was convinced that his moronic manservant and the love of his life had snuck off on a two day quest to serve justice on the heads of Guinevere's kidnappers, and it made Arthur want to throttle the pair of them. While Guinevere has proven herself quite adept at wielding a sword, Merlin was completely useless, and undoubtedly the pair of them were about to get themselves killed.

So when he spotted Merlin at the stables he marched right in for the kill.

"_Merlin_!" he barked. "Where the hell have you b…"

And then he saw him, his beautiful face was still the same, but his skin as darker, and his beautiful curls were gone…but that was most definitely his Guinevere. Oh my God his beloved's kidnappers were sorcerers and they have turned her into a _man_!

"Guinevere!" he cried out. "What have they done to you? No don't speak!" he commanded as he placed a finger on Guinevere's plump soft lips. "It doesn't matter if you're a man, I love you no matter what."

"Arthur-"

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"

"But-"

"I said _shut up_!" Arthur snapped before he softened at Guinevere's fearful face. "I will prove to you, my love, that I will never waver in my devotion to you," he declared gently before he leaned up and pressed his lips against her new manly ones.

"As I was trying to say," Merlin piped up again, "Arthur, this is Gwen's _brother _Elyan."

Arthur's eyes popped opened as he wrenched his lips away from Elyan's. "Let's pretend," he gagged and glared darkly at Merlin, promising him death for not warning him earlier, "that this never happened."

"Okay…" Elyan mumbled.

But inwardly he was already considering running for it back to Cenred's kingdom and escape this stupid kingdom and it's scarily stupid prince.


	170. Forgive and Forget

**Summary: **A filler between series 2 with vengeful Mordred, and series 5 adorable, puppy like Mordred. Because you don't just let all that hate go without something happening. Set roughly round series 4.

**Pairings: **Implied Merthur, Merlin/Gwaine, and worshipful! Mordred/Arthur

It was a beautiful sunny day and of course, as usual, Merlin was forced on a hunting trip with Arthur. Only it couldn't be a normal hunting trip, oh no that would be too normal of Arthur, it had be at this set of woods miles and miles away to hunt down this rare deer that had never been heard of till now.

"Arthur," Merlin growled, "can you please stop drooling on my head."

While Arthur and his fellow knights that were actually stupid enough to agree to go on this trip (so none of Merlin's close friends though Gwaine might have come if he wasn't passed out on the floor, under an empty cask of ale, in the tavern) got to ride horses, Merlin had been regulated to walking, and directly under Arthur (so to speak) while carrying all the crossbows so if Arthur sees the mystical deer he can just shoot straight away.

"I am not!" Arthur snapped.

"You are too!" Merlin shook his head, splattering the horse, the ground, and Arthur's face with Arthur's spit. "I'm covered in it!"

"Ew! _Mer_lin!" Arthur wiped his face in disgust. "What are you, _a dog_?"

"Says the one drooling like a hound gnawing a bone," Merlin muttered.

"What was that?"

"I said not like Gwaine," Merlin lied, "that guy is a real hound dog with the ladies."

"That's it!" Arthur declared grimly. "I now forbid you from spending anytime with Gwaine. I cannot have a servant whose virtue is severely compromised."

"Y-y-you prat!" Merlin spluttered indignantly. "You have absolutely no right-"

Merlin never got to finish telling Arthur off. Not because he didn't deserve it, he so deserved it, but because a young man with pale skin and dark hair let out an animalistic roar before he leaped out of the bushes and stabbed Merlin in the stomach.

"Mordred?!" Merlin gasped horrified as he realised that his attacker was a gangly, fifteen years old teenager. "What are you doing here?"

Mordred raised an eyebrow at Merlin, _isn't it obvious, Emrys? _He asked telepathically.

_Oh fuck! _Merlin swore mentally back as his legs collapsed underneath him and as his world went dark Arthur hovered above him with a face full of horror and anger.

From there on Merlin's memory is rather foggy. He was vaguely aware that he was lying on the cold, slightly damp, muddy ground, and he was definitely aware that Arthur and Mordred were arguing.

"You can't just randomly jump out and attack people!" Arthur shouted.

"I didn't randomly attack," Mordred sneered, "I attacked with the purpose of murdering your manservant."

"That isn't any better!" Arthur cried out horrified. "What in God's name did my servant ever do to _you?_ You're only a child! It can't be anything worse than accidentally breaking your favourite toy."

"He tripped me up," Mordred mumbled, he sounded rather embarrassed. _Good!_ Merlin thought darkly to himself.

"Pardon?"

"I said he tripped me up!" Mordred said a lot louder but still as equally embarrassed,

"What is _wrong _with you?"

"He tripped me up!" Mordred protested. "In the middle of a battlefield where you and your men were about to kill us all."

"Hang on, let me get this straight," Arthur had that voice that suggested he was on the verge of getting a headache. Not a good sign for Merlin, Arthur usually threw something at him when he was having a headache. "You just tried to kill my clumsy, moronic, and very pathetic excuse of a manservant because he _tripped you up_?!" Arthur said stupefied. Of course he missed out the entire thing about Mordred being on a battlefield. No inquiry why a child was anywhere near one, or where Mordred's parents were, or anything responsible. Idiot. "Mordred, he trips me up all the time, he is that clumsy." Arthur said with annoyance and exasperation. "You can't kill a man just because he tripped you up."

"You know when you put it like that it does sound rather stupid," Mordred admitted sheepishly. _No shit Sherlock_, Merlin thought to himself, he then wondered who on earth was Sherlock and why his name went really well with no and shit….poor kid whoever gets that name. "I'm sorry….I was an idiot…I can heal him," Mordred offered sweetly.

_Arthur if you let this kid near me I will make your life hell_, Merlin promised telepathically to his King.

Unfortunately Arthur seemed to have a good defence against telepathy….it was called being an utter thick-headed, prattish, dollop-head.

"Thank you," Arthur said sincerely, "you're a good kid. Just stay away from murder and do something productive – like hunting!"

"Isn't murder and hunting essentially the same thing?"

Arthur ignored Mordred's question in favour of humming to himself. To Merlin's surprise he was actually healed, and not injured to an even nastier extent causing him to die horribly, and then Mordred apologised to him quietly before taking his leave.

Hopefully that would be the last Merlin ever sees of him.

**Three Years Later….**

Him and his big mouth!

Of course he just had to bump into Mordred mere days after he had a vision of the brat stabbing Arthur to death! Of course Mordred had to be best buddies with Arthur while Merlin sulked! Of course Mordred had to save Arthur's life and become one of his trusted knights!

Life was incredibly cruel like that.

"I don't understand," Mordred said sadly days after his knighting ceremony, "I've done nothing to upset you, why are you being so mean to me Emrys?"

"Done nothing," Merlin repeated, "_done nothing?!_ Have you forgotten the fact that you tried to kill me three years ago?!"

"It was three years ago!" Mordred protested.

"You stabbed me with a poisoned dagger!" Merlin snarled. "I was dying a slow agonising death!"

"I healed you! And," he added hastily, "said sorry!"

"Only because Arthur told you to!"

"Well you tripped me up!"

"You were plotting against Camelot!"

"Uther had killed my parents!"

"You tried to kill me!"

"You _tripped me up_!"

"What the hell is going on here?" Mordred and Merlin both whirled round to see a very unimpressed Arthur standing before them. "Why on earth are you two arguing?"

"He tried to kill me!

"He tripped me!"

"Oh not this again!" Arthur groaned. "Mordred, I thought we talked about this? Merlin is a clumsy freak of nature he meant nothing malicious." Mordred immediately relented and looked up at Arthur with puppy adoration. Urgh. "And you, Merlin, shouldn't be such a big baby about this," Arthur snapped.

"_What?!_ I'm not being a baby!"

"You so are," Arthur rolled his eyes, "if I held it against someone every time they tried to kill me I wouldn't have any allies."

Merlin's eye twitched. There has only ever been two people who had made an attempt on Arthur's life and had been forgiven, and they had only been forgiven because they were royalty and Arthur wanted peace with their kingdoms. Anyone else had been either killed by Merlin or Arthur.

"You're such a lying hypocrite!" Merlin shouted before he stormed off.

"Utter baby," Arthur said firmly, "don't worry Mordred, he'll come around. He always does."

**One Thousand, four hundred, and seventy three years later….**

"I can't believe Mordred killed me!" Arthur whinged for what felt like the billionth time this afternoon alone, "Mordred, killing me, it's so unreal, and unfair."

"At a time like this," Merlin said completely bored and behind his magazine, as he tried to read it without hearing Arthur whine "you should take your own advice."

"Which is?" Arthur demanded to know.

"Stop being such a big baby about this."

"Oh….shut up, Merlin."


	171. Slave Auction

**Summary: **Merlin, Arthur, and Gwaine were unable to escape in time and now they are being sold off in an auction. AU of 3x12.

**Pairings: **Morgause/Cenred, implied Cenred/OC, Gwaine/Merlin, Merthur, and Merlin/OC.

"You never take me out anywhere!" Morgause pouted. And yes, she was so totally faking it. As much as she liked Cenred physically, she wasn't actually all that into him as a person. He was a bit of an idiot and a total tool for her to even consider being his lover in a romantic sense. But she really, really_, really_ needed him to be distracted right now, and to do something useful, so he won't notice her slightly homicidal tendencies towards him. "And now you've lost Arthur! I'm starting to think that you don't care for me anymore, Cenred."

"I do care for you Morgause," Cenred said in his usual soppy romantic tone, "more than you can imagine. You know if you let me I would make you my Queen."

Morgause fought back the urge to gag at that. God wasn't that the most over-used line a king or prince could ever use?

"I know Cenred," Morgause sighed, "but darling, lately it felt like you could do without me."

"_Never_!"" Cenred declared as he grabbed hold of Morgause tightly. "I could never live without you," _Oh God_, Morgause had to resist an eye roll. He had been more than happy to live without her whenever a new serving girl caught his eyes, the lying git. "And I will prove my love to you, by getting hold of this cup for you, by leading an immortal army for you, by taking Camelot and putting your precious little sister on the throne for you."

"And just how," she whispered hotly in his ear, "Do you plan to do _that_?"

"Well," Cenred smirked, "by taking you out of course."

"Oh?" Now her interest was piqued. Perhaps Cenred wasn't completely useless after all. "Where to?"

"A slave auction," Cenred's smirk deepened.

"A slave auction?!"

You know, forget it, Cenred obviously had no idea how to show a girl a good time outside the bedroom.

MMMMMMMMMMM

Arthur so totally blamed Merlin for this.

He just had to get them captured by slave traders, and then he just had to interfere with his and Gwaine's awesome plan of fighting one another and…err…okay there had been no plan other than fighting one another and hoping there was so escape hole they could run to. But the point still stands! This is so _Merlin's _fault, and not his, the super awesome crown prince of Camelot.

Now that is settled Arthur is stuck chained between Gwaine and Merlin, shirtless, as he was about to be sold off as if he was nothing but one of Morgana's dresses.

He can't help but shudder at the thought of being a bit of girly silk….urgh he wasn't Merlin, if he dies now he would so rather be reincarnated as a sword or a nice shiny armour (that has so not been polished by Merlin because that idiot always leaves finger prints).

"Rub this on you," a gruff slave trader growled as he shoved a pot into Arthur's stomach, "we won't you all too look good for the auction."

"What is it?" Arthur asked dumbly. He couldn't think of anything intelligent to say much to his everlasting shame.

"Oil," the guy said as if Arthur was the most stupid person in the world (he obviously never spoke to the guy standing next to Arthur on the left, and yes he meant Merlin), "It makes you look all shiny, sexy, and sweaty, a real pleaser for the lady cliental."

"Erm," Merlin mumbled, "I really rather not have icky sticky stuff on me."

"God _Mer_lin," Arthur groaned with an eye roll, "you're such a girl sometimes it's unbelievable."

"Here, Mer," Gwaine grinned easily as he dipped his fingers in the oil tub Arthur was still clutching, "I'll help you put it on."

He then lifted his sticky fingers up and slowly made circles on Merlin's pale skin. Arthur felt the urge to vomit when Merlin made a squeal that sounded a little too delighted for his liking. "Gwaine!" Merlin moaned breathlessly, "that's my nipple!"

_Oh that was the last straw!_

"Get your hand of his nipple," Arthur hissed in Gwaine's ear, "before you find my knife on your balls."

Thankfully Gwaine backed off and Arthur had some breathing space before they dragged him onto the platform to sell him off.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Morgause would have to admit there was something exciting about wearing her best dress and cloak, while walking in on Cenred's arm, and watching a parade of men as people brought them like they were a pig or a chicken or something.

It got even more exciting when Arthur, in all of his golden glory, _it was so unfair_, Morgause thought to herself, that he looked more like her sibling than her actual sibling did, was pushed onto the stage.

"A young, athletic, good looking male," the auctioneer droned, "claims to be a prince-"

"I do not claim!" Arthur snapped. "I am one!"

"- has a bit of an attitude problem," the auctioneer continued as if Arthur never spoke. Morgause could barely contain her smirk at that as Arthur looked gobsmacked and the crowd snickered at him. "Capable of fulfilling any physical need from manual labour, to the bedroom, and to the battle field, shall we start the bid for five hundred gold coins?"

Cenred lifted his hand in acknowledgement.

"Five hundred," the auctioneer acknowledged him, "do I hear five fifty? Five fifty? No, going for five hundred, going once, going twice, going – and _sold_! To the lovely couple."

"_What?!"_ Arthur squawked. "You can't sell me to them! They're Camelot's enemies! They will kill me!"

"Mate," the auctioneer said dully, "we really don't care what our buyers do to the merchandise just as long as we get our money."

"I- You- What -" Arthur spluttered as he was dragged off the platform.

"Thank you Cenred," Morgause said sweetly.

"You're welcome, my dear," Cenred replied lovingly.

Yes, they may have shared a loving look, and yes they might have kissed then, but no that does not mean that Morgause won't kill him later if he gets in the way. She's a bitch like that.

"Next up," the auctioneer continued as Merlin, the idiotic pain in the arse, was dragged onto the platform. "A young male, a bit sickly, far too pale, and not physically fit. Could be useful with household duties though he has been described by his previous owner, as useless."

"Thanks, Arthur," Merlin muttered sarcastically much to Morgause's amusement.

"Shall we start the bid at fifty gold coins?"

Cenred put his hand up for Morgause but unlike Arthur someone called out, "a hundred gold coins," Morgause turned to see a rich, large, lady with red hair, far too much make up, and dressed in ridiculously bright colours. She giggled as if she was a naughty thing and Morgause felt nauseous just looking at her.

"A hundred and fifty."

"Two hundred."

"Three hundred."

"Four hundred."

"Five hundred."

"Six hundred."

"Seven hundred."

"Eight hundred."

"Nine hundred."

"One thousand gold coins!"

The auctioneer looked to Cenred but he shook his head. "_What are you doing_?!" Morgause hissed. "I want you to buy him so I can torture him for attempting to murder my little sister!"

"My dear, I love you, but I cannot continue to bankrupt my kingdom for you. It's just a serving boy," Cenred said dismissively, "and I'm sure being with Lady Elspeth is torture enough." He turned to look at the satisfied buyer who went to claim her new slave with a disturbing glee, and then shuddered. "That poor boy."

Morgause decided she really didn't want to know but she took satisfaction in knowing that Merlin was definitely going to suffer in this.

Lady Elspeth was now dragging Merlin away as she loudly told the world what she was going to do to him once they were home (and Ew, there are just some things you never want to hear). "ARTHUR!" Merlin screamed pathetically. "HELP!"

It was then when somehow, miraculously, Arthur broke his chains, stole one of Cenred's stupid guard's swords, and broke Merlin free, before he fought off everyone with a sword, and another, very good looking man, joined in, Morgause tried to cast a spell to prevent them from escaping but somehow, for reasons she will never understand, her magic bounced off and they escaped.

She whirled round furiously and slapped Cenred.

"This is all your fault!" she spat out. "If you just listened to me and brought the manservant none of this would have happened!"

"So…no sex tonight?"

She shot him a look that she hoped would kill him slowly and painfully. "What do you think?"

MMMMMMMMM

"I can't believe it!" Arthur cried out as they ran.

"Believe what?" Gwaine asked as he jogged easily beside a panting Merlin and a slightly tired Arthur. "How gorgeous I am? How awesome I was when I came to your rescue? How cool we all were just then?"

"No," Arthur said, "and you're not gorgeous, or awesome," he added disdainfully, "I meant I can't believe _Merlin_ is worth double the money than I am."

"I can," Merlin panted, "after all I'm much nicer than you."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"

"You know" Gwaine flipped his hair, "I'm starting to see what Merlin meant. Don't undersell yourself Mer, you're worth a thousand more than this prat."


	172. Sir Morgause

**Summary: **A huge AU in which Morgause wanted to be a knight of Camelot (because for like five seconds that was what I thought she was going to ask Arthur) that also includes some of the legends surrounding Morgause, and a bit of a crossover with the cartoon film Quest for Camelot (so recommend!).

**Pairings:** Sisterly Morgause/Morgana/Arthur, implied Gwen/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, one-sided Cenred/Morgana, mentioned Uther/Ygraine, Uther/Vivienne, Goloris/Ygraine, Merlin/Freya, Alvarr/Morgana, hero worship Mordred/Morgana/Merlin/Arthur, friendship Elena/Morgause implied, Leon/Morgana, one-sided Agravaine/Morgana, Gwaine/Morgause, Merthur, Tristian/Isolde, Gareth/Kayleigh, and lots and lots of Gwaine/Morgause.

**Author's Note: **A double celebration! Not only is this fic now over two years old, thank you all so much for sticking by me or these two years, but it now has over _**FIFTEEN HUNDRED REVIEWS!**_ Think we can get to two thousand before my birthday in February?

"A promise and I will spare your life."

Arthur had a sword to his throat after he had been thoroughly defeated by a girl of all things. The only thing that could be worse than this is that is _Merlin_ holding the sword to his throat instead of this fierce and rather terrifying girl. So of course he was going to promise her anything to get out of this situation.

"What is it that you ask?"

"I wish to be a knight of Camelot."

Arthur blinked. He had thought for a moment that Morgause wanted something like justice for a man she loved, or some money, or a new dress, or even help for her home village that was under attack, he even entertained that she had some evil plot up her sleeve like a more torturous, drawn out, death for him, or a non-consensual (because while she's pretty, she was so not his type) night of sex.

It didn't occur to him that she might want to be a part of his army.

It was incredibly flattering.

"You have my word," he promised her.

She moved her sword away and then bent down to offer him her hand. He took it heartily and as soon as he stood up he held her arm up to declare her victor before all of his people.

"People of Camelot," he shouted out. "A new knight to defend the realm. Sir Morgause!"

"WHAT?!"

It took five hours and the worst screaming fight he ever had with his father but he managed to convince his father to allow Morgause to be knighted. And the only reason his father had relented was because he lost his voice with all the screaming.

Oh well at least he had the rest of the kingdom's approval.

MMMMMMMMMM

"I am sorry."

Merlin whirled round to see Morgause leaning against the wall as if she was bored. For the past few weeks he had seen her on the training grounds beating every knight black and blue, and occasionally patrolling the castle with her fellow brother in arms. He had no idea where she was staying (he had once asked Arthur but the weirdo decided to accuse him of being a sexual predator again….hmm maybe someone was projecting on him?), or what she does in her free time, and therefore this was the first time they talked alone in, well, _ever_.

"Eek!"

She raised an unimpressed eyebrow and he flushed. He really couldn't help it! She was so scary and intimidating! She was the terrifying parts of Arthur and Morgana all rolled up!

"Sorry," he coughed, deepening his voice, "err…what about?"

"About that druid girl," Morgause said her tone unchanging, "the one you rescued. I'm sorry for your loss."

He blinked as realisation flooded him. "Did you…were you the one who told Arthur the bounty hunter was interrogating me?"

She gave him a curt nod. He knew it! He knew Arthur's timely rescue had nothing to do with his so called 'Merlin' senses that he kept blagging about the whole afternoon. "I felt her passing very keenly," she said solemnly, "you have chosen wisely for the new guardian of Avalon."

"What?"

"Don't be stupid," she scolded him in a manner similar to Arthur, "I know."

"_How?_!" he squeaked.

"Just do," she shrugged, "I'm a high priestess, I would be a rather crap one if I couldn't sense magic like yours."

"Oh….you won't tell will you?" the dark look she shot him was enough to burst him into flames if it wasn't for the fact she was holding her magic back. "Of course you won't!" he squeaked quickly. "Err…erm…can I ask you a favour?"

"Depends."

"Well….I have a friend, she, well, she's a seer, but she has magic too, and she needs someone, I can't be that someone, the Great Dragon and Gaius won't let me, but you could help her! I mean please, please help her."

"I will help the Lady Morgana," Morgause said somewhat softly, "but not because you asked me too!"

"Thank you."

Merlin went to scurry off and do his duties to Arthur so he could then crawl into bed and sob his heart out like the broken hearted teenager he was when Morgause suddenly piped up.

"And Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"You're a grown man, and a powerful warlock, you shouldn't let a giant lizard and an old man tell you what to do."

You know, when you think about it, Morgause certainly had a point.

But she was also a great tattle tale because later that day Morgana came into his bedroom and punched him so hard he now had a black eye.

And then the Great Dragon called him down to his prison and grumpily, reluctantly, turned round to reveal to Merlin a series of arrows pierced into his skin to create a drawing of a unicorn on his bottom.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Trickler was just about to put the love charm under Arthur's pillow when a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

He shrieked but calmed himself when he realised it was only a woman. And not a pretty one _at all!_ She was all un-brushed curls, dark eyes, and armour, nothing feminine about her at all!

"Who do you think you are?!" he shouted shrilly. "I am a favoured child of magic, the favourite jester of a great king. You are nothing but some sort of he-she freak, and you think you can stop me from obeying my master, when your own wants nothing to do with y-"

He regretted ever saying a word as Sir Morgause, the most gossiped and laughed at knight of Camelot, had just flipped him over her shoulder, trod on his crown jewels so to speak, and held a sword at his throat.

"And just think," she murmured darkly, her eyes turning gold, "I can do far worse to you than you can to me."

He woke the castle up with his screaming.

Arthur, being the baby he was, demanded to sleep in Merlin's bed for the rest of the week until he can get a better lock for his door….and better guards because _where the heck were his?!_

Uther, however, grudgingly rewarded Morgause as the new bodyguard of Lady Morgana, he then gleefully executed Trickler but that really didn't matter.

No one missed that weird freak who, despite his magic shows, was giving many people rather creepy looks that made them all wish he would simply disappear.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

Alvarr didn't get far to the Lady Morgana's room.

Little Mordred, who he was so tricking because he needed someone with powerful magic to implement his evil plans of taking over the world, innocently showed him the way to her chambers as they snuck passed many stupid guards, but when the child slipped through the door, a sword appeared blocking Alvarr's way.

"What is your business with the Lady Morgana?" a cool unimpressed voice asked. He turned startled to see a woman wielding a sword that well. He didn't think Uther would have the foresight to have Lady Morgana's maid trained in weaponry to protect his ward. "Well?"

"I hardly see how it is your business, maid," he spat out.

"Wrong answer."

He barely ducked in time when she swung her sword at him. "What the hell you crazy bitch?!" he shouted.

"I'm crazy?" Morgause snapped disbelievingly. "What the fuck made you think I was going to let some strange bloke in my Lady's room? You could rape her for all I know!"

"Well…" he mumbled shiftily.

He did have plans to seduce the Lady Morgana into allying herself to him. It wasn't rape but it wasn't exactly being pure as the driven snow which is probably the only sort of bloke the Lady Morgana could have in her rooms.

He was so busy thinking about his plans that he didn't move in time and therefore caused his own death.

The last thing he remembered was the sudden pain of a sword hitting his groin. His head was promptly chopped off from behind by a furious Arthur Pendragon.

"Well done, sire," Morgause said approvingly. "Even if it was a bit too swift for him."

"I would have gone for the other head," Arthur glowered at the body, "but you beat me too it, Morgause."

"I live to serve."

Merlin ruined the moment entirely by vomiting all over Arthur's shoes.

"For Christ sake, _Mer_lin!" Arthur snapped exasperated. "Stop acting like a big girl's blouse, why can't you be like Morgause? Look at her! Cool as a cucumber. She has more balls than you can ever hope to have."

Morgause merely smiled as she earned more of Arthur's respect, and then she ducked into Morgana's room, reassured her everything was all right, persuaded her and Mordred out of trying to steal the crystal, and then ended up commencing a midnight lesson in magic with the pair of them (after Uther had checked on Morgana, and was being the irritating pain in the arse he was).

A few days later with the help of Merlin, Mordred was smuggled out safely and given to a nearby tribe of druids.

"Too think, the Dragon said he'll be a cold blooded killer one day," Merlin sighed sadly.

Morgause raised an eyebrow at him. "Do we need another talk about self-fulfilling prophecies?" she asked.

"No!" Merlin squeaked slightly.

She rolled her eyes. She could see what Arthur meant, how pathetically girly Merlin was….why wasn't there a real man around?

(Much, much, later Merlin as once again called out of bed by the Great Dragon, only this time the arrows were imbedded on his forehead and in shape of a dick.)

MMMMMMMMMMMM

When the Great Dragon escaped months later, after a horrific threat of immortal knights summoned by a psycho of a witch Morgause once used to trade secrets with, Morgause merely raised an incredibly unimpressed eyebrow at Merlin.

"You know, you look a lot like Gaius when you do that," Merlin said rather bravely.

"Well he did have a hand raising me in the first few years," she shrugged, her father had been at war, and her mother too busy being a lady of the court to care, that is until Morgause's magic manifested and Uther was on the rampage against it, Gaius had been a father figure to her as he was to her own sister "now go and fix your mess before I shoot you in the head myself."

He did so, and in the end, grudgingly, she brought him a drink as her told her about his father.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"_**YOU RELEASED THE GOBLIN?**_!"

"EEEK!"

It took Gwen, Morgana's friendly maid that always made Morgause feel a little uncomfortable, and Arthur to pull Morgause off of Merlin. Morgana didn't feel kind enough, and honestly, Gwen slapped Merlin after Morgause finished throttling the poor bastard.

The three of them had to endure the worst farts in the history of farts, and it was nothing but embarrassing.

Morgause continued to punish Merlin for another few weeks, with magic, with her own feminine charm, and by dropping ideas to the far too eager Arthur.

Merlin didn't get his revenge outright but Morgause did go a few days without her trousers as each and every one of them turned into a long flouncy skirt each time she put them on.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

There may have been a magical prank war after the Goblin incident.

And Arthur might have gotten caught up in it one time too many.

And he may have just confronted Morgause and Merlin on their magic, and he may have just hinted about changing the law once he was king.

But to be honest they weren't sure because it also sounded like Arthur thought Merlin was really a transvestite so they decided to keep the magic secret from him a little longer.

Either way just don't tell Uther about it.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"Hello, gorgeous."

Morgause felt a strange flutter in her stomach as a rugged man, with soft looking locks, deep dark eyes, and a tan to kill for, smirked at her.

"Hi," she said suddenly feeling shy.

"I'm Gwaine," he held his hand out.

"Morgause," she was prepared to give him a firm shake when he suddenly upturned it and pressed a kiss on it.

"A pleasure."

She couldn't quite suppress a moan at that, and to her surprise he presented her with a small light purple flower. "For you, my lady."

No one has ever called her a lady. Especially in Camelot where her fellow knights either saw her as a freak, or….well she made them pee their pants and that wasn't an endearing trait at all.

"T-t-thank you," she stuttered

"Would you care to join me for a drink?"

And the next thing she remembers is her curtains being yanked off by an irate Arthur Pendragon. "Not you too!" he moaned at the sight of a naked Morgause curled next to a very naked Gwaine. "It's bad enough I have Merlin waxing lyrical poetry about Gwaine, I can't have my best knight shagging him!"

While she was rather flattered that Arthur considered her his best knight, she was torn between the urge to hit him for making her hang over worse, and casting a penis shrinking spell on Gwaine for flirting with Merlin of all people.

"I wasn't waxing lyrical poetry!" Merlin protested from the back of the room. "I just said Gwaine is an awesome friend, and I think Morgause went out on a date with him."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin!"

"Arthur?" Morgause said sweetly.

"Yes, Morgause?"

"Get. Out. Now!"

There was barely anytime for Arthur and Merlin to run before Morgause's goblet was thrown at them.

"Hmm," she could hear Merlin outside of the door, "I wonder who she reminds me off."

"Shut up, Merlin!"

She would have probably chased after them with a fireball spell if it wasn't for the fact Gwaine woke up around this time and kissed her neck.

MMMMMMMMM

If Uther suddenly endured another hair loss, three farting sessions when speaking to the public, and an inability of walking without tripping after Gwaine was banished then it was nothing but a coincidence.

Arthur can prove _nothing._

Neither can Merlin.

And Morgana helped make the potions so it wasn't like she was going to tell on her.

MMMMMMMMMM

When Princess Elena came to visit, and Uther tried to marry his son off, Morgause's heritage came out.

It was mostly her fault but Elena should shoulder some of the blame. She's _too nice_! Her big blue eyes fluttered pleadingly at Morgause, and her warm smile and friendly nature just made you want to spill all of your secrets to her!

Well not all of them, Morgause never told Elena that she had magic.

Good thing too or Uther would have beheaded her since Elena didn't keep Morgause's heritage a secret.

"I understand you are the long lost child of Goloris and Vivienne," Uther said, "which means you are another ward of mine, and my stepchild."

"No," Morgause said flatly knowing if she acknowledge Uther's guardianship over her (which is far too late since she was twenty eight now) he would assert authority and end her life as a knight completely, "and what?"

"Oh, didn't you know?" Uther blinked, "your birth mother was Ygraine, and she was married to Goloris before I had it annulled because our love was too strong to allow the bonds of previous love to hold us back."

"You're a dick."

"Your mother could not bring you as she was to be focused on me."

"A complete dick."

"But Vivienne adopted you as her child," Uther finished. "And therefore you are Arthur's sister."

"I don't want Arthur to be my brother!" Morgause wailed. "He's an _idiot_! I rather just keep Morgana as my only sibling."

"She's still sort of your sister through Arthur," Uther shifted uncomfortably in an attempt to comfort Morgause, "after all she is my daughter."

"WHAT?!"

It was then Morgause realised that Morgana and Arthur heard everything, well sort of, she was kind of busy shouting abuse at Uther.

The three of them decided to never talk to him ever again. Uther was heartbroken – not that anyone else noticed.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

"Where are you going?"

Arthur froze in his attempt to sneak out of Camelot in order to rescue Elyan, Guinevere's brother that he had never heard of until now, as Morgause appeared out of the shadows scowling at him.

Since the discovery of them being half siblings she had been irritatingly over protective to him. He was no longer allowed to needlessly risk his life, no he cannot slay the magical creatures, and he was definitely in need of a diet, Merlin is right.

Urgh if he wanted another nag in his life he would have cloned Merlin not find a long-lost older sister.

"I am going to rescue Guinevere's brother," he declared passionately.

"No you're not," Morgause said as if that ended the matter.

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes I am, and _that is final_!" Arthur shouted, his face red with indignation, "I cannot have the love of my life being tormented by gambling debt collectors from another kingdom!"

"Just face it!" Morgause said exasperated. "You're only going on this suicide mission to save a man you don't know because you want to get into his sister's knickers to disprove any teasing Morgana did to imply you were gay with Merlin."

"I am not!" Arthur denied hotly. Morgause raised an unimpressed eyebrow as she silently reminded him that half the time he doesn't pay poor Guinevere any attention unless marriage to another person, or his romantic life is brought up by Morgana, happens. "Oh fine!" he huffed. "I'm not saving Guinevere's brother for any honourable reason."

There is a gasp and he whirled round to find Guinevere standing there shocked before he could protest, or defend himself, she slapped him, and left abruptly.

Much later she and Merlin go on the quest to safe her brother alone, and they come back with not only Elyan, but Lancelot and a giant bloke called Percival.

To say Guinevere dumped Arthur after that was an understatement of the year.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Nothing can ever stay peaceful in Camelot!

As summer approached Merlin had hoped desperately for a nice relaxing holiday. But _noooooo! _Sir Leon and his band of knights had to be attacked, slaughtered, and only he rescued by druids with the Cup of Life, and of course Uther _just had to have_ the cup before anyone else found out about it, and of course Cenred, Camelot's greatest enemy, found out about it.

So after being kidnapped by slave traders, barely escaping with their lives, being ambushed, almost losing Arthur to an arrow, and a very long, uncomfortable, camping session that included Gwaine and Morgause making out everywhere, they come home to find that Cenred had invaded Camelot with an immortal army he created with the Cup of Life.

Arthur, Morgause, Merlin, and Gwaine had been able to sneak in thanks to Lancelot and Percival and were about to witness Cenred claim the crown not through his own conquest but through marriage with Morgana (thanks to the explosive fight between the children and Uther the whole world knew that she was his illegitimate child).

"Give us a kiss, sweetheart," he said as he pulled at Morgana.

(The boys had to hold Morgause and Arthur back from leaping down and murdering the son of a bitch.)

"No!" Morgana shrieked as she tried to pull away from Cenred's lecherous hands. She then used magic to throw Cenred the Creepy off of her. "Stay away from me, you freak!"

Arthur was so busy muttering darkly to himself what he was going to do to Cenred the Creepy for touching his sister that he didn't realise that she used magic.

Unfortunately Uther did.

But fortunately for the rest of the world it was one shock too many and he died promptly of a heart attack.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

It took a great deal of difficulty with a lot of revelations about how much magic had been used behind Arthur's back (he was not pleased that the three people he cared about most had been lying to him) but eventually they took back the kingdom, killed Cenred the Creepy, destroyed his immortal army, and crowned him king.

Much to Arthur's annoyance one of the first things Arthur had to do as king was officiate Morgause's and Gwaine's marriage.

"You may kiss the bride," Arthur said very reluctantly, so reluctantly that it was prodded out of him by Morgause's sword and Morgana's new fireball spell she learnt recently, "but I swear to God, Gwaine you hurt her I will make any normal death sentence look like heaven to you."

Gwaine wasn't listening at all since he was too busy snogging Morgause and carrying her back to his chambers.

_Urgh. _

Much to Arthur's displeasure the next thing he had to do as king was to officiate Guinevere's and Lancelot's marriage.

And the third had been Morgana's and Sir Leon's, he was not a happy bunny.

(Which of course Merlin had to suffer as he threw everything round the room like the five year old prat he really was. God, why was Merlin working for him again?)

MMMMMMMMMMMM

"What would a woman know of such things, Anna?"

Morgause's eye twitched as her and Arthur's newly founded uncle had intruded on their lives and made his place on the council like the sleazy, slimy, slug he was. He was a despicable excuse of a man who got off of manipulating Arthur to dance to whatever tune he wished while pissing everyone else off.

Even Merlin, who liked even Uther sometimes, had to fight back the urge to slam the silver platter her served Arthur's lunch on over the creep's head.

Morgause despised Agravaine more than anyone though. Not because he kept patronising her, not because he looked down on her for being a pregnant female knight, or for marrying Gwaine, not even the fact Morgana was constantly hit on by the sleaze ball (Sir Leon was steadily gaining his own twitch in his jaw whenever Agravaine was around) made her hate him this much, no she hated this man because he kept getting her name wrong for no reason other _than to piss her off!_

"Morgause," she corrected coolly.

"I'm fairly sure your name is Anna," Agravaine said in his usually patronising tone.

"Not it's definitely Morgause."

"Anna," Agravaine said, totally ignoring her, "you cannot understand. You may play at being knight but in reality war is far more of a difficult game that you may believe."

At this point Morgause snapped and punched the son of a bitch. Arthur couldn't complain it was Agravaine's poor advice that led them to this war to begin with.

This carried on multiple times before the heavily pregnant Morgause induced an ultimatum. Either Arthur got rid of their creepy excuse of an uncle, or she would never let him see his own nephew/niece the moment it was born.

Needless to say he had chosen Morgause and her unborn child over Agravaine but that may just be because Agravaine backstabbed them all and helped a warlord invade Camelot just as Arthur was about to make his decision.

Oh well, either way Morgause won.

(And by the way she had a beautiful son that she decided to call Galahad. Merlin ended up with burn marks for lamenting how the poor kid was so going to suffer with a name like that.)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

"Why is it that Arthur keeps trusting this obviously evil types?"

"I don't know," Morgause filed her nails, "you're the one shagging him, surely you know?" she looked up and frowned at the man in front of her. He was wearing his old people's disguise which he had to wear a few times to fool their enemies and he was incredibly so decidedly there instead of out on the hunt for Excalibur which was incredibly stolen right now. "_Merlin,_" she growled, "why are you an old man?"

"Oh, I'm punishing Arthur," Merlin said with a shrug, "he doesn't find this look sexy therefore as long as I remain like this he can't have sex."

"Okay…whatever rocks your boat, but why are you here, and not looking for Excalibur?"

"I have my pet looking for it."

"Merlin, how the hell is a flipping bird, especially a small one like Silver Wings, be able to carry back a _great freaking big_ sword like Excalibur?"

"You'll be surprised," Merlin smirked.

"Don't make me punch you."

"Yes Ma'am," Merlin said quickly and solemnly, "so how is Morgana?" he changed the topic.

Morgana was due to give birth soon to her fourth child, her first three had all been daughters, and Sir Leon was desperately hoping for a son (not because he didn't adore his girls or thought less of them, but because they were all like Morgana and the poor sod was slowly heading towards mental breakdown). "She's good," Morgause smiled happily.

They continued to gossip until the evil creep of a knight that they never trusted almost killed Arthur until a blind boy and a young girl bordering onto womanhood saved him.

They were both promptly married and knighted.

Morgause warmly welcomed the new Sit Kayleigh, as did the other ladies of the Round Table – Morgana, Gwen, and Isolde (she and her smuggler of a husband joined after the whole Agravaine thing). Honestly they needed more girls because no matter what Arthur insisted on, Merlin so didn't count.

He was too stupid to be a girl. _Duh. _

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

In the end everyone lived happily ever after.

Arthur brought magic back, and the Great Dragon got not only his freedom to roam Camelot but to reproduce with another dragon and therefore saving the species from extinction, as did all those with magic. Mordred sat happily at the Round Table as the druid representative while other magical beings also sat there to speak on their people's behalf. Merlin, and all the other girls, were being happily shagged by their men, and here were lots of children to sit on a slowly fading Gaius' lap (though not Merlin and Arthur's as no matter what Arthur thought there was no magic to induce male pregnancy). All five kingdoms and the smaller lands that held their own principality were united under Arthur's rule and living in peace.

It was nothing but Utopia.

And to think Morgause almost ruined it by manipulating Arthur. It was a good thing she changed her mind at the heat of the moment and slowly won Arthur round, Lord knows what would have happened if she tried to push him into killing his father by using their mother.

Of course it had to end.

It was a lovely warm day and Morgause was aged beyond belief (though according to Gwaine she was still very sexy so it was nothing really), and was gaining faster as Arthur took his freaking time getting ready for his celebrations.

"Mordred," Arthur called out to the other side of the room, "do me a favour and fetch Excalibur for me, please?"

Mordred, who never grew out of his hero worship for either Arthur, Merlin, or Morgana, ran eagerly with Excalibur held up, when he suddenly tripped over a cup left lying on the floor (Arthur still kept throwing things around when upset, and he still keeps forgetting to hire a new servant now Merlin is too busy being his Court Warlock and Consort, so nothing got cleaned in his rooms anymore), and as he fell forward he accidentally stabbed Arthur in the heart with the legendary sword.

"Huh," Merlin blinked having witnessed the whole thing, "So that's what the weird glowy creature meant when he said Arthur was his own bane."


	173. When Arthur is Right

**Summary: **Modern AU reincarnation drabble. Arthur points out a noticeable pattern in his friends, when proven right, the world begins to end.

**Pairings: **background Arthur/Gwen and paternal Merlin/Baby.

There was never a hospital room more crowded than Gwen Pendragon's…okay that was a lie, Arthur's was usually more crowded than this when he did something stupid and broke something or ended up with internal bleeding (Merlin swears Arthur _actively seeks_ trouble), but Gwen and new baby girl Pendragon were the most visited two on the maternity ward. Even Morgana and Mordred came to see the cute little girl, and Gaius managed to escape his duties for an hour to check up on Gwen…in fact the only person who wasn't there was Uther.

But considering he is a dick, doesn't like Gwen, and is currently serving a prison sentence for discrimination and murder, no one really cared.

Okay! Arthur cared but no one else did.

"She's such a cutie," Gwaine said as he passed the baby to Merlin. The so called man immediately melted and began to mumble nonsense to the beautiful baby. "Thank God she inherited your looks, Gwen."

"Oi!" Arthur barked.

No one paid him any attention.

"What are you going to call her Gwen?" Morgana asked as she tried to get hold of her niece. Unfortunately Merlin seemed to have a vice like grip on the child. "Merlin let her go," Morgana hissed.

"No!" Merlin snapped back in a whisper. "She's my baby."

"I'm thinking of Mildred," Gwen said cheerfully, completely oblivious to Merlin and Morgana having a tug of war over her child.

"_Mildred_?!"

The reincarnated Knights immediately burst into hysterical laughter.

"We are not naming any child of mine, Mildred," Arthur said firmly, "never in a million years."

In the background Merlin won the tug of war as Morgana staggered backwards into the waiting arms of Mordred. "He's like Golem from Lord of the Rings," the geeky awkward teenager of the gang murmured to his mentor of evil.

"What's _wrong_ with Mildred?" Gwen demanded to know.

"The fact that it's a god awful name?" Elyan suggested.

"It is not!"

"It's not just that!" Arthur burst out and therefore agreeing with his brother in law. This, of course, made his wife glare at him and plot to make his life hell much later on. "It's because it begins with the letter M!"

Everyone blinked.

Err…_what?_

"Err…Arthur, some context please," Gwaine requested.

"Well look at Merlin," they all did, the man was still cooing absolute nonsense to the little baby, they all still found it hard to believe that someone so innocent (and girly, and sensitive, and so, so, so _pathetic_…just a little bit,) was the most powerful, immortal, kick-ass man on the planet. "And look at Morgana," they all warily turned their eyes at the newly reformed witch who glowered menacingly at them (now she, you can believe being capable of turning a man inside out with a wave of her hand). "And look at Mordred," they all turned at the blushing ex-knight. "And then Morgause."

"Err…Arthur," Percival whispered loudly, worried that Morgana might snap, "Morgause is dead."

"I didn't mean literally look at them!" Arthur snapped frustrated. "I mean just think about it! Every super-powerful sorcerer we know has a name beginning with M!"

"Oh my God you're right!" Leon gasped.

"Surely it's just a coincidence," Mordred said uncertainly, "I mean…remember Mithian? She has a name beginning with M and she hasn't an ounce of magic."

There was a murmur of agreement.

"Actually no," Gaius said as he finished reading Gwen's chart, "Arthur is quite right, there is power in names. Every magical child given a name that begins with the same letter as the power they hold they are then blessed with an extra blast of magical power."

"So that means….that Arthur is right?"

"Yes."

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!"

"IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD!"

"It is not!" Arthur scowled. "I may have been wrong once or twice in my life-"

"_Every single fucking time_," Morgana coughed.

"But that doesn't mean when I'm right the world will end!" Arthur finished as he shot Morgana a dirty look.

"No," Elyan pointed at the window, "it is literally the end of the world."

They did so and what they saw was horrifying.

It was Chaos with a capital C. A storm raged in the heavens as a strong wind was destroying the roof, uprooting trees, and there lighting and thunder. People were, of course, screaming and running about like headless chickens.

"Dear God in heaven," Arthur muttered.

"What is happening?" Leon gasped.

"Arthur was right, something that _never_ happens," Morgana said solemnly (and perhaps just a tad amused), "therefore it has caused a chain of reaction leading to the end of the world."

"I don't want my baby to live in a world where her father is right!" Gwen wailed much to Arthur's indignation. "Not if it means she has to grow up in this."

"It's all right!" Merlin snapped into action. And yes, he was still clutching the baby to his chest. "Arthur isn't right because one of the most powerful sorceresses I know had a name beginning with N! And Morgause wasn't all that powerful anyway."

Instantly, as if Merlin's normal words were magic itself, the world halted to a stop and changed dramatically. The sun came out shining radiantly on the hospital grounds, birds flew out, a little ruffled, but tweeting beautifully, and the people stopped and stared in wonder.

Everyone in the room sighed in relief.

"Oh thank God!" Lancelot cried out. "You saved the day once more, Merlin!"

Everyone cheered Merlin and congratulated him before they returned to their duty of admiring the baby.

Arthur, however, merely sulked for the rest of the day.

Fortunately the baby wasn't named Mildred….However she was named Merlyn much to Arthur's horror and Merlin's indignation.

Morgana hasn't been able to stop laughing since.

**Author's Note: A shameless plug in – I haven't updated recently because I've been distracted by the Doctor Who fandom. If you're a fan of DW, enjoyed The Day of the Doctor but wanted some of the scenes to have gone a little differently (with more comedy), then please check out my new oneshots. If you love How I Met Your Mother and always wanted to see the plot mashed up with Doctor Who characters then please check out my new long fic – How I Met Your Father. **


	174. Pendragon Family Christmas

**Summary: **Set in Series 3. Uther unbans Christmas, it is a total epic failure. Merlin wishes he spent Christmas at home and Leon just wishes he was anywhere but here.

**Pairings: **Merthur, implied Gwen/Arthur, and Uther/Uther.

**Author's Note: **A Christmas present to all of your lovely reviewers. Hope you all have a better Christmas than poor Merlin.

Uther was so pleased that Morgana has returned safely to him that he announced he was allowing Christmas this year.

Merlin, being the oblivious boy he has always been, hadn't realised that Christmas had been banned all this time. "Uther banned Christmas!" he cried out in shock that evening at the dinner table after Uther had made his announcement. He couldn't believe that Uther had banned _Christma_s, he just thought the tyrannical king was too miserable to celebrate Christmas.

In fact in all honesty the only cheerful person who seemed the type to celebrate Christmas in the entirety of Camelot was Gwen.

But when Uther is your king how can you _not_ be miserable?

"Yes," Gaius said undisturbed by it all, "he felt that the magic connotations were seditious." Merlin snorted, Uther saw treason and magic in his sleep. In fact once he had his breakfast burnt at the stake because it tasted, and he quotes, _magical._ "Also the idea of a saint walking in without being seen, prevented, or caught, unnerved him."

"He didn't like being given a present?"

"He didn't like the coal he had been given." Merlin tried not to laugh at that. Of course Uther got coal from St Nicholas, in fact Merlin was surprised that he didn't get something worse…like a bag of mouse droppings…hey that was an idea. "But it did keep the whole castle warm for years," Gaius said thoughtfully.

So Camelot celebrated Christmas. Well the rich did. Merlin and Gwen had to work, because the Pendragons liked to celebrate with style, which means a great big feast, a huge present giving ceremony, and Merlin had to wear the feathered hat.

Yes that evil feather hat of doom.

The indestructible, horrifying, nightmare of a hat. Merlin had thought he had burnt the evil damn thing but Arthur managed to produce it again when Uther announced he wanted all the servants in regulation uniform, and all the nobles to wear festive colours which of course is red and green.

Arthur wore red, and Morgana was in green which meant nothing was different or special at all.

Merlin had started to realise that having Christmas in Camelot changed nothing at all as everything remained the same, he received no presents, and he had to work even more than usual.

In fact it was becoming more and more apparent over the evening that the only difference from a normal feast and this Christmas feast was that Uther was getting incredibly drunk.

"We need a fool!" Uther said merrily. "Someone to entertain us! _Merlin_!" Merlin jumped at not only the sound of Uther's cheerful voice but the fact he got Merlin's name right for the first time in forever. "Do something stupid for us!"

"Yeah, Merlin," Morgana smirked, "amuse us."

Gwen frowned lightly at Morgana while Merlin gawked at the beautiful ward in disbelief. Did she realise how _fricking obvious_ she was being? Then again she had drunk a great deal and almost everyone but he and Gwen were pissed out of their minds.

"I-I-I don't know how, sire," Merlin stuttered.

"Just a trick, or a joke, or some sort of feat of acrobatics," Uther said in a completely bored tone, "good lord there must be a reason why my son keeps you as a servant."

Merlin sighed as did as his king commanded.

Act like the Court Jester. He was fairly certain this was not in his job description.

He decided to use some magic to juggle but unfortunately for him as he went to grab some bread rolls he tripped over a knight's foot, tumbled, rolled over, did some weird body splat and bounced back onto his feet only to fall face first into Arthur's pudding, splattering them both.

Uther and Morgana roared in hysterical laughter as did most of the Court, Arthur was not amused but solely because Merlin saved his waistline from all those calories, and Gwen, sweet kind Gwen, hurried to his side and helped him wipe the sticky sauce from his face.

A distraction from Merlin's humiliation arrived in the form of Sir Leon.

Leon, who as second in command of the knights, was placed in charge of testing all of Uther's Christmas presents. Already he had been cursed five times, tasted three poisons, and opened up five bags of various animal and human excrement. All he wanted was to have a Christmas drink with the guys….Anyway! Leon opened the present from Morgana which was a cursed dagger that repeatedly stabbed him until Merlin used magic to stop it (not that anyone noticed). Poor Leon was immediately rushed to Gaius' chambers.

"My present!" Morgana wailed dramatically. "Someone must have cursed it!" _Yeah you_, Merlin thought darkly. "It must have been that vendor. I'm sorry, Uther, I didn't know! Poor Leon!"

"Yeah poor bloke," Arthur mumbled drunkenly, "but he'll bounce back, unlike the others…"

"That's it!" Uther roared, he stood up quickly and almost collapsed back onto the floor he had drunk so much mulled wine. "I can't even enjoy Christmas Day with my beloved family, Court, servants, and Gaius…oh and the boy, without sorcery trying to ruin it. In punishment of this tragic even Christmas is banned again!"

"But Father-"

"Enough Arthur!" Uther snapped. "Christmas is over, go and work on your training so this sort of thing will never happen again."

"I didn't even get to open my presents yet!" the spoiled prat bemoaned quietly. Uther was too busy raging to notice that no one obeyed him and continued to party. "Or get to do anything other than watch you have Leon open your presents!" Arthur continued to moan to absolutely no one who cared.

In fact everyone reached for their drinks instead of paying the crimson drunk or his whinging son any attention.

With a defeated sigh Arthur went back to his drink as Morgana stormed off in a huff that her latest ploy to kill Uther failed because of Leon instead of Merlin (why was everyone so damned interfering in her evil deeds? She was certain no one cared what she did back when she just brushed her hair and broke out the occasional sorcerer).

Therefore many hours later Merlin had to drag Arthur up to his chambers. The poor, very sober, manservant carried drunken Arthur back to his chambers. "It's not fair Merlin," Arthur bemoaned, "I had been that close to getting Guinevere under the mistletoe."

Merlin snorted. "Yeah right," he muttered. Gwen had done her very best to avoid Arthur since he was being a ridiculous big fat prat. Like normal but for once, maybe because when she's drunk Gwen thinks even clearer than normal, Gwen noticed and didn't want anything to do with him.

"I was!"

"If you say so, sire."

"Don't cheek me, _Mer_lin!"

"I wouldn't think of it," Merlin said innocently. Arthur snorted this time, and then he might have puked a little all over the floor but Merlin wasn't going to acknowledge it as he did not want to clean it up. Let some other poor sod have to clean up after Arthur for once. Merlin was going to celebrate the last of his Christmas with a well-deserved sleep. "Here we go, you drunken sot, safe and sound at your door," Merlin said cheerfully.

Arthur looked dumbstruck and it wasn't till Merlin looked up that he realised that some idiot, i.e. him, had put mistletoe up on the door frame.

It was supposed to be Christmas-y!

"But I don't want to kiss the idiot!" Arthur wailed. "I wanted to kiss _Guinevere_! Pretty, lovely, and gorgeous Guinevere! Not this skinny, pathetic excuse of a manservant."

"I don't want to kiss you either," Merlin grumbled.

"But we have to!"

"No we don't."

"But we do, the law of mistletoe requires it!"

"_We really don't_," Merlin said firmly, "besides there is no such thing as the la-HMMPH!"

Merlin never got to finish his argument because Arthur slammed his disgustingly ale and puke flavoured lips onto his, and then stuck his tongue down Merlin's throat.

He has had worse Christmas presents before.


	175. Shameless Plug In

**Summary: **The Author writes adverts for some of her new fanfictions. Arthur is not impressed with this shameless plug in.

**Pairings: **Me/Reviews and some Merthur.

**Author's Note: **I apologise if you find this cheap and terrible but I couldn't resist not only poking fun at myself (and all of those others who advertise their other works in their fics) but adding some typical Merthur banter to it.

_**Advert: What to see an alternative scene from The Day of the Doctor? Some Doctor/Rose kissing maybe, or some Clara/Rose friendship. Something uplifting and hilarious? Then check out Girl Talk and Time Lord Fetish by Ricardian Scholar Clark-Weasley. Yours for one review!**_

_**Advert: Think the Doctor needs looking after? That it would be amusing to see Amy and Rory argue through the printed word? Want Clara and the TARDIS to work together? Then check out The Instruction Manuel to the Doctor by Ricardian Scholar Clark-Weasley. Yours for one review!**_

_**Advert: Want something dark? Something to explore the Bad Wolf aspect of Rose Tyler? Something that touches on the idea of Galifrey being corrupt? Something that also stars the other companions but isn't a long multi-chapter fic? Then check out Human Bindings and its sequel Free to Roam by Ricardian Scholar Clark-Weasley. Yours for one review!**_

_**Advert: Seen the Christmas Special and thought – ooh I'd like to see more jokes about holographic clothes? Wanted some more embarrassing scenarios with the Doctor and his companions? Wish to know what exactly is the origins of the bedroom rule? Then check out Five Times the Doctor Wears Holographic Clothes by Ricardian Scholar Clark-Weasley. Yours for one review!**_

_**Advert: Ever wanted to see the plot of How I Met Your Mother with the characters from Doctor Who? Want to see a fic where Amy, Rory, Rose, Jack and River are friends without the intervention of the Doctor? Be able to see all the characters, all of the Doctors, woven into a fic that is All Human? Then check out How I Met Your Father by Ricardian Scholar Clark-Weasley. Starring all different pairings including Jack/Rose, Amy/Rory, 9Rose, 10Rose, 11Rose, Jack/River, and lots more. Yours for one review per a chapter!**_

"_What the hell_?" Arthur shouted disgusted. "What on earth is this rubbish? Who is the Doctor? Who is Ricardian Scholar Clark-Weasley? Why is there no mention of me, and my awesome kingdom, and my marvellous skills as a knight and king?"

"I can see why there is no mention of your modesty," Merlin muttered under his breath. "Arrogant prat."

"Shut up, _Mer_lin," Arthur said automatically, "just read this nonsense. It makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense to me," Merlin rolled his eyes, "you're just an idiot."

"Oh really, Merlin," Arthur arched an eyebrow at his so called best friend and manservant. "Well if it makes sense to you, _genius_," he said the word so sarcastically that Merlin felt like he had just been called an idiot again. "Then explain it to your King."

"It's an advert," Merlin said exasperated.

"No duh," Arthur rolled his eyes, "but what about?"

"If I hazard a guess, _sire,_" Merlin stressed the respectful word in a very disrespectful manner, "I would say about a series of tales about a doctor and his friends."

"_Why?_"

"I don't know!" Merlin snapped. "Because someone wants to know people read them, enjoyed them, and would like to see more of their work. God knows I would like to know if _someone_ appreciates my work."

"You have to actually _work _first," Arthur snorted. For reasons unknown to Arthur his wardrobe door flung itself open and smacked him hard in the face. "Oh for fuck sake, _Merlin_!" he roared. "Didn't I tell you to bolt that door shut?"

"Yes, and then you also demanded your breakfast, and then a bath, and then I was too clean your chambers while simultaneously accompanying you at training, and then I was get your lunch, mend your clothes, write your speeches, and do all the polishing in the castle as a punishment for being sassy."

"Do you want to do all the laundry in the castle as well?"

Merlin glowered at his so called friend. "What do you think?"

"I take that as a yes." Before Merlin could swear his head off, mutter every insult he had thought about Arthur since he had first seen the big-headed prat, Arthur looked back at the adverts once more. "How does one go about making one of these?"

"Making what?" Merlin asked.

"One of these adverts, God _Mer_lin could you get any more stupid?"

"Unfortunately yes," Merlin confessed, "but what is even more unfortunate I think it would be impossible for you to reach any new level of stupidity."

"_Just answer the question about the adverts, you useless, moronic, servant!_" Arthur hissed.

"All right, all right, keep your royal panties on," Merlin waved his hands at Arthur in a sort of defensive manner. "You just write down what you want, give it to a copier, and they make copies-"

"Obviously," Arthur said dryly.

"- and then you hand them out to people to distribute," Merlin finished as if Arthur had never spoken. "Why do want to know?"

"I thought I should sell my useless manservant," Arthur grinned, "or at least work out a trade."

Merlin suppressed the urge to throw something magically at Arthur, or turn him into a donkey, or any sort of animal, he did half consider waiting and drugging Arthur's food with embarrassing potions but he didn't have the patience for it right now. Instead he merely smiled sweetly, "really sire?" he blinked innocently. "Would you like me to write it for you as you have far too much on your royal plate?"

Any other man with a servant like Merlin would be suspicious over this change of personality. Fortunately for Merlin, Arthur wasn't like any other man – he was far more stupid.

"Finally!" Arthur smiled. "You're pulling your weight around. Do your worst Merlin, I'm going to have a ride with Guinevere."

So Merlin wrote the advert, ran off and did all of his chores like any other obedient servant, while Arthur came back, snatched the loose paper up and took it to the royal copiers. The six scribes read the advert, looked at Arthur, and the burst out into hysterical laughter.

Arthur snatched up the paper and began to read it furiously.

_**Advert: are you looking for a new king? Or a knight, or master, or husband, or anything at all that matter? Well don't look any further, buy an Arthur Pendragon today! He will fulfil any needs by…well not fulfilling them, he is a lazy prat, arrogant, pompous, condescending, and the most stupid man on the planet. But don't let that stop you from purchasing him! He isn't bad to look at, can fight well (but nowhere near as well as Lancelot or Gwaine), and knows his way round a chicken. All of this can be yours in exchange of…well nothing, he isn't really worth much. **_

The castle walls shook violently at the loud, wrathful, voice of its owner.

"_**MERLIN!**_"


	176. Camelot's Tourist Attraction

**Summary: **When Camelot goes bankrupt Uther comes up with a new way to fund raise money and get a tourist attraction in the bargain!

**Pairings: **Uther/Uther, Geoffrey/Books, and implied Merthur.

Uther was having a lovely day.

The sun was shining, he executed five evil witches, two warlocks, and an annoying court jester, had a delicious lunch, had the best head massage in weeks, and managed to get that stupid moronic excuse of a manservant of Arthur's to trip over, stammer, and virtually pee himself. It was a good day….he loved being king.

But of course boring, old, smelly Geoffrey had to ruin it all as he pushed his bearded, stinky, face into Uther's. "Uther, are you even listening to me?" he demanded in a shrill voice.

"Of course I am," Uther said primly. He hadn't been listening but it wasn't really some petty servant's business to know that.

"_You were not_!" Geoffrey scolded him.

"I so was!" Uther snapped back.

"So what did I say?" Geoffrey challenged him. "Just that very minute?"

"That….erm….I looked very dashing in my crown."

"No," Geoffrey said coldly. "I said that the kingdom is bankrupt."

Uther frowned for a moment. "Aren't you the librarian?" he asked.

"Yes."

"So why are you giving me a report on the treasury?"

"Because you kept spending so much on your witch hunts we had to cut down on the staff in this castle," Geoffrey explained impatiently. "I'm also your priest, one of the gardeners, your archivist, and head of your spy network."

"I have a spy network?" Uther asked surprised. He hadn't been aware he had one.

"…No," Geoffrey replied a bit too belatedly for anyone to believe him.

"I don't see what the problem is. Camelot is one of the wealthiest, richest, and magnificently endowed kingdom in all of Albion," Uther declared with his usual sunny, positive, attitude that meant that no one could possibly argue especially when he added, "So I don't want to hear otherwise or we might be looking for a new librarian and whatever else it is you do."

"I give up," Geoffrey threw his hands in the air dramatically. "Gaius you talk to him."

Gaius sighed. He, like Geoffrey, looked as if he had a headache tormenting him. Unfortunately, much like his young ward, he tended to get very snarky when ill. "Sire, first thing first are you sure you're talking about Camelot or are you just talking about your pen-"

"**GAIUS**!" Uther and Geoffrey roared.

"Sire, we're bankrupt," Gaius said with his usual no nonsense firm tone.

"Well if you say so Gaius then it must be true," Uther sighed. Geoffrey spluttered and looked as if he was on a verge of throttling Uther or having an aneurism. Instead he opted to storm off to his library where he would be appreciated by his beautiful, old, leathery, tomes of knowledge. "What do you suggest we do?" Uther asked as if one of his advisors hadn't stormed out in a hissy fit…to be honest, he probably hadn't noticed anyway.

"I suggest we look at some fundraising options," Gaius said mildly, "that do _not _include taxing the poor," he added quickly, "we don't want another rebellion on our hands."

"Hmm…." Uther hummed thoughtfully to himself.

It was then a wonderful idea struck him.

MMMMMMMMMM

Arthur was furious.

He turned his back on Merlin for one minute, _one freaking minute_, and the little twat had run off to the tavern! When he gets his hands on that useless servant of his he will –

Arthur loses all train of thought when he spotted his father standing on a box in the weirdest outfit ever. He was wearing a horrible red and white turncoat with matching white breeches and some sort of horrible white straw hat on which his favourite day to day crown sat upon. He waved a god awful matching white cane as well.

Arthur sort of wanted to hide under his bed and die of shame.

"STEP RIGHT UP, STEP RIGHT UP," Uther bellowed loudly. Yes, die of embarrassment in a corner somewhere was definitely looking like a good plan to Arthur. "THROW SOMETHING AT THE FOOL, ANYTHING YOU WISH, A PENNY FOR A TOMATO, A SHILLING FOR A POTATO, STEP RIGHT UP AND HAVE A TIME OF YOUR LIFE THROWING SOMETHING AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEERLIN!"

It is then that Arthur realised that he didn't lose his manservant to the evil siren call of mead but to his father. His father had kidnapped Merlin and put him in the stocks! He was charging people to throw things at Merlin! As Merlin's very indignant owner who needs a backrub, lunch, a clean change of clothes, his armour to be polished, and then generally just a slave, Arthur could not stand for this injustice!

"Father!" he bellowed, still rather horrified, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Arthur!" Uther grinned cheerfully….okay that was rather terrifying. Arthur would quite like to have Merlin back so he can have someone to gouge his eyes out for him. "I've just saved Camelot from bankruptcy!"

"What has that got to do with Merlin being in the stocks?!"

"Well," Uther said slowly as if Arthur was an idiot like Merlin, "I'm charging people a large amount of money to relieve their stress by throwing something at that idiot of yours. It works! We're rolling in gold again, my boy!"

"Yeah, that's great," Arthur said through gritted teeth, "now can I have my manservant back?"

"No can do," Uther was still unfortunately grinning that terrifying grin. God can someone save Arthur before he was permanently scarred for life? "He's bringing not only money but lots of people. He's only been there for a few hours and already we have people from the five kingdoms travelling to pay for this."

It was then Arthur noticed there was a massive line of people from all ages, social class, and even species, waiting to throw something at Merlin. He couldn't help but notice that Morgause and Cenred were near the front stroking some daggers rather sinisterly. "Father!" he yelped. "Some of those people are the enemies of Camelot!"

"Hey," Uther shrugged, "If they're giving me their money why should I care?" A little girl with a handful of strawberries appeared and tugged Uther's jacket. "Yes, sweetheart," his father replied gently. Oh my God! His father was being nice, and soft, and not shouting for the guards for allowing a peasant to touch him, _the world must be ending_! It's the _only_ explanation!

"Can you make Merlin catch these with his mouth?" the little girl asked sweetly.

"Sure but that will be two pennies," his father replied with a brisk business-like tone. He even held his hand out to demand what was probably this child's life savings!

And the world was back to normal; Arthur couldn't help but sigh with relief at that.

"What am I going to do without my servant?" Arthur whined as he watch Merlin catch all the strawberries and joyfully eat them.

"I'll get you a new one," Uther said dismissively.

It was made clear to Arthur that he too was dismissed. With one mournful look at Merlin he turned to leave only to find Morgana dumping what appeared to be the same amount of money as his monthly allowance in the pot and then picking up a brick.

"EEK!"

"MORGANA! DON'T BREAK THE TOURIST ATTRACTION!"


	177. The Musketeer

**Summary: **Morgana casts a spell that changes Lancelot…

**Pairings: **Implied Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Aramis, Arthur/Gwen, Aramis/Many women, Aramis/Morgana, and the usual knightly bromance.

**Author's Note: **This is a crossover with BBC's new series Musketeers in which Santiago Cabrera plays…well basically Lancelot with Gwaine personality. So of course I had to write this!

They were in the middle of a terrible battle against Morgana. Okay, it wasn't so terrible since, for reasons unknown to the knights, all her spells kept failing and branches kept falling down in a very timely manner. Seriously someone up there must love them. Lancelot swept in heroically about to knock Morgana out when she suddenly turned in time and hit him with a spell that covered him in smoke.

"LANCELOT!"

The smoke cleared to reveal Lancelot very much alive but dressed differently. Instead of his chainmail and Camelot uniform, he was wearing a tight leather outfit, tight breeches that left far too little to Arthur's and the knights imagination, tight leather jerkin with a dark blue leather armour over his shoulder, and for some strange reason, he had facial hair that curled somewhat evilly.

"Oh how evil, Morgana," Arthur said dryly, "you used a makeover spell. I'm _so_ scared."

"Do you want me to turn you into a girl?" Morgana snapped. "Because I can."

"_No_! Err…nice, evil, spell, Morgana…"

"Dude," Gwaine rolled his eyes, "she's evil and against us, you're not supposed to be flattering her."

"Excuse me," the newly dressed Lancelot spoke up, "I am a little confused, one moment I was chasing after some bandits and then the next I am here. Could someone catch me up?"

"Lancelot that was three days ago!" Merlin squealed worriedly. Did Morgana erase his memory? If so then she really needed to work on her casting if she had only managed to erase three days…

"Lancelot?" Lancelot frowned. "Who is Lancelot? I am Aramis, one of the King's Musketeers."

"_WHAT?!"_

"I casted a temporal spell," Morgana smirked, "Your Lancelot has swapped places in time with this man. Have fun!"

She then ran disappeared in her own puff of smoke before they could demand her to change Lancelot back.

"That bitch!" Merlin swore.

"_Merlin!_" Leon gasped horrified.

"She was enchantingly beautiful though," the New Lancelot said, "I am sure if given the benefit of the doubt, wooed by the right man, and fully satisfied, she would be a rather marvellous one as well."

The knights and Merlin looked incredibly disturbed. Actually that was inaccurate, majority of the knights looked disturbed, Gwaine, however, is no ordinary knight, and gazed at this new Lancelot adoringly. This was exactly what he had been preaching for the last few months! Get the Pendragon laid and there won't be any more invasions! That went for Arthur as well.

"You're not touching my sister!" Arthur hissed. "We should hurry back to Camelot," he said more dignified though it fooled absolutely no one. "Hopefully Gaius will know a way to save Lancelot from this spell."

They all nodded in agreement; Merlin especially, he had no doubt that if they can't get Lancelot back soon he would have to be the one that takes care of this new Lancelot, and he had a strong suspicion that new Lancelot wasn't as clean, or polite, or understanding as his own Lancelot.

They travelled in awkward silence as everyone shot New Lancelot searching looks. Apart from admitting an attraction to Morgana and wearing ridiculous tight leather clothing, this man hadn't revealed anything about himself, what if he was evil? Seriously it wouldn't be the first time one of them had been temporarily turned or swapped with an evil doppelganger.

"Oh look a tavern," New Lancelot blurted out as he pointed to a quaint, little, wooden tavern on the outskirts of a village they had just passed. "I don't know about you guys but I'm parched, and nothing makes friends faster than a good ale, how about we stop for a drink?"

Everyone gaped at this man; their Lancelot hated the taste of alcohol, he also thought it immoral and not a chivalrous vice. Gwaine had pointed out that no vice was chivalric but that didn't go down well with the straight lace knight.

"I like this guy," Gwaine laughed. He patted New Lancelot on the back and grinned, "Something tells me that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship New Lancelot."

"Aramis," New Lancelot corrected him.

"Whatever. Let's drink!"

MMMMMMMMMM

When they returned Gwen was waiting outside the castle to greet them as always. Arthur was quick to make his claim by hugging her and pecking her cheek while Merlin shot his best friend his biggest grin and Elyan decided to pick at his nails until Arthur took his grubby paws off of his sister. New Lancelot, however, bowed with a stylish flair before he took Gwen's hand into his own.

"My lady," he kissed her hand, "may I say that there has never been a more beautiful woman in the land than you?"

"You may," Gwen giggled as she flushed a faint pink, "though it is very unlike you Lancelot."

"Alas I am not your Lancelot," New Lancelot said with the same dramatic sadness Gwaine used whenever the knights dragged him away from a tavern. "I am someone from another time that was dragged here by sorcery though so far I have not suffered. Especially not now that I am in your loving presence, if this Lancelot has not commented on your beauty every hour of every day then he is a fool."

"Oh my," Gwen blushed. "I have never…"

"May I sit at your feet and be at your service?" he asked flirtatiously. "I would not want a lady like you to be harmed by whatever enemy this kingdom has."

"I am not some fragile flower!" Gwen snapped finally gaining some composure. "I can take care of myself!"

"I have no doubt of that my lady," New Lancelot smiled sweetly, "I have known many strong and courageous women and I can tell you are one of them…I just wanted an excuse to continue to bask in your beauty."

"Oh well…you could help me with the laundry then!"

And with that New Lancelot was swept into the castle with Gwen as the others stood there stupefied (and really drunk in Gwaine's case)….what _the hell_ just happened?

Arthur really, _really_, didn't like New Lancelot.

MMMMMMMMMM

Meanwhile Lancelot was struggling in seventeenth century France. It was one thing to be laughed at for his armour by three strange men, who all reminded him of Leon, Gwaine, and a strange mix of Arthur and Merlin, it was another to be ambushed and yelled at for not using his 'gun' (whatever that was) when it was needed, and then finally he was being chased by five different women all claiming to have sexual relations with him and then been spurned. Come on! Did he look like he was _Gwaine?_

"Someone help me!" he wailed as he burst into the tavern his…well they weren't his friends that was sure! Everyone stared at him before they all turned back to their drinks as if he hadn't pleaded for assistance. Desperate he rolled under the table by the three men that had apparently known this other Lancelot. "Hide me please!"

"Aramis, what happened?" the youngest one asked in concern.

"So many women," Lancelot trembled, "so many bared breasts, they were all after me…"

"That sounds like your usual Tuesday to me," Porthos, the one that reminded Lancelot of Gwaine, grinned lecherously. "I'm sure once they found other suitors they will forget your. Pull up a stool and have a drink."

"No thank you," Lancelot said stiffly, "I don't drink."

The young one, D'Artagnan, froze and stared at Lancelot as if he had just said he preferred a cup of wee, the older, more sensible one, Athos, blinked in concern, while Porthos gasped loudly. "I fear has lost his mind." Porthos said dramatically.

"We must solve this problem before the Cardinal finds out." Athos, the sensible Leon one, agreed proving that he was not as sensible as he seemed.

"Err…I know I'm new here and everything," D'Artagnan said hesitatingly in a very Merlin-ish manner, though the way he fought was very Arthur-ish earlier, "but I've been here long enough to know that the Cardinal won't care about this as long as we don't interrupt a political alliance or his own influence on the king."

"Shut up, D'Artagnan."

Lancelot merely sighed as the three men above him bickered, screaming females were looking for him, and he really, really, missed being home in Camelot where everyone (but Gwaine) was noble, kind, and well-mannered.

He missed Gwen.

MMMMMMMMMM

After three days of dealing with a flirtatious Lancelot, Gaius was pleased to announce he found a cure, unfortunately before he told Arthur the great secret, Gaius let out a yelp and pointed in the opposite direction, which of caused the knights and Arthur to pull out their swords and leap into action to attack the monster….only to find no one there. Merlin quickly uttered the spell, and with a flash of gold in his eyes, New Lancelot was covered in smoke by the time the knights turned back.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gwaine screamed. "BRING BACK COOL AWESOME LANCELOT!"

The smoke cleared to reveal their Lancelot in his usual chainmail. "Oh thank God!" Arthur cried out as he embraced his knight. "We've been so worried."

"I'm so glad to be back home," Lancelot sobbed, "you wouldn't believe the nightmare I've been having. My comrades kept tormenting me, women wouldn't leave me alone, there was far too much drinking, and the king was such a whiney brat!"

"How is that different to Camelot?" Merlin muttered.

Gwen, however, sobbed as well but for a totally different reason. How was she ever going to be sexually pleasured when the noble and pure Lancelot was back? _Goddamnit! _


	178. Flower Duty

**Summary: I was on a walk in Trent Park, London, last week and came across a beautiful field filled with daffodils….being guarded by burly men in suits….*smirks***

**Pairings: Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/flowers, and sort of implied Merthur if you squint. **

It was a nice, warm, sunny day and Merlin took advantage of the fact there was no assassins to stop, no magical creatures to slay, no rebellions to put down, no leech tanks to clean, no errands to run, and best of all, seriously best of all, no Arthur to serve! It was one of those rare days off and for once everything was on Merlin's side. So he decided to take a walk in the forest and pick some flowers to brighten his room up.

He took a quick detour to his favourite flower field. As usual it was bursting with life; row after row of daffodils lit up the field to make it look like a sea of sunshine.

This was undoubtedly his favourite time of year.

He eagerly took a step forward when he suddenly crushed his face against a metal breastplate. He staggered backwards and landed flat out on his arse. "What the _hell?_!" he groaned as he rubbed his poor, aching, and probably badly bruised now, face.

"Oh hello, Merlin!" a cheerful voice boomed up above him.

Merlin blinked, and then blinked again, and then blinked a few more times just to make sure he was seeing what he thought he was seeing.

There standing up above him was several of Camelot's finest (_Ha!_) guards in their full uniform and armour, as if they were on duty or something.

"W-w-w-what?!" Merlin stammered in disbelief. "What are you lot doing here?"

"Guarding," Guard number thirty eight (recognisable due to his ugly wart on his right eyebrow) shrugged.

"Guarding _what?"_

There was nothing out here. No prisoners, no king, no castle, no vaults containing very valuable but highly dangerous magical artefacts (honestly would it have killed Uther to destroy them? It would have saved Merlin a lot of stress if there wasn't someone trying to break in and steal something magical every other week), no crown jewels, no….well anything for anyone want to steal or kill. So why the fuck was the guards standing around this field?!

"The flowers obviously," Guard number three rolled his eyes as if Merlin was an idiot. Yes because it was a natural assumption for the king's royal guard to be standing around a field guarding some flowers.

_What the fuck is wrong with this kingdom?!_

Some days Merlin didn't know why he tried so hard to keep these idiots safe.

"_Why?_"

"King's orders," Guard number fifteen shrugged. "I think he wants to make a romantic gesture to the Queen."

Merlin was of two minds at this, his first initial thought had been; _oh I should have known!_ After all Arthur was a an enormous, royal, big-headed, and incredibly selfish prat, and this was exactly the sort of dick-ish move he would do but on the other hand….well perhaps it was the best way to get these morons out of the castle. Especially since a couple days ago Guard number eighteen to thirty had tackled Arthur to the ground thinking he was an imposter since Merlin hadn't shaved him that morning (yes, Merlin has to shave Arthur as well as dress him).

"I see," Merlin grinned, "so you won't mind if I pick a few?"

"You can't," guard number thirty eight said flatly.

"_Why not?_!" Merlin whined. "No one is going to notice if a handful is gone."

"King's orders; no one is to touch the daffodils."

"What about just one, incy, weensy, flower?" Merlin pleaded desperately. "Surely that would be all right. You could all look away and no one would know, and I can assure you that Arthur definitely won't notice, or care really."

"the answer is no, Merlin," guard number forty one snapped exasperated, "if you're so desperate for flowers then go to the next field. I'm sure there some daises that you can braid into your hair."

The guards all laughed rather cruelly which made Merlin glower at the lot of them. Unfortunately to them that seemed even more hilarious than the poor tasting joke and they all howled with hysterical laughter, tears included, as Merlin stormed off huffily.

He was going to make them all pay!

MMMMMMMMMM

Gwen and Arthur were on a very romantic ride that would include a picnic later. It might sound boring and quite normal for the very domestic King and Queen but it was in fact incredibly exciting and super romantic for Gwen since this was the first time they would be going out together without Merlin. Nothing again her best friend but it's a bit awkward for her to snog her husband with him running a sarcastic commentary in the background.

"This way!" Arthur cried out excitedly as he led Gwen through the forest. "Wait and see what I have planned for you."

Gwen squirmed in excitement as she pictured all sort of romantic scenarios that ended with getting somewhat naked. Her excitement died a bitter death when she found herself standing in front of not only a barren, plain, and rather boring field but the entire royal guard standing around and scratching their bottoms.

Did Arthur just take her to watch guard training?

Oh God she was better off trying to teach Gwaine to cross-stitch again, wasn't she?

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Gwen almost fell out of her saddle at Arthur's fury. Once she managed to keep herself from suffering either a severe fall or a heart attack (both felt possible for a moment), she sighed in relief, and took great comfort in Arthur's anger as it was a sign that this was certainly not the plan he had for their day.

"You're Majesties!"

The guards all cried out in delight and shock before they knelt before them. "Oh get up," Arthur barked irritably, "and one of you tell me what happened to the flowers."

"Eh?" one of the guards blinked. "The flowers, sire? They're – _**OH MY GOD WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!"**_

Gwen cold have sworn that there was a trickle of blood sliding out of Arthur's nose due to the sheer stupidity his guards were displaying. "One task," he growled, "one simple task. Guard the flowers. In an open field. In broad daylight. So tell me, please tell me, how _the fuck_ did someone managed to sneak past and pick all the fucking flowers without you noticing?!"

"Erm….magic?"

Gwen felt her eardrums shatter at the high pitched scream Arthur released.

Meanwhile Gaius sneezed as, for some reason unknown to him (and something he wasn't quite sure he wanted to know), his rooms were filled to the brim with daffodils.


	179. Merlin: The Musical!

**Summary: **In which several musicals are being parodied by Merlin and co (but not all of them or this chapter will never end)!

**Pairings: **Merthur, Merlin/Mordred, Gwen/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, Gwen/Gwaine, Gwaine/Gwaine, Mordred/Arthur, Merthur, Gwen/Merlin friendship, Merlin/Mithian, Leon/OC, Leon/Crossbow, Gwaine/OC, Percival/OC, Elyan/OC, Merthur, Uther/Gaius, Uther/Ygraine, parental Uther/Morgana, Uther/Guard, Uther/Arthur, and did I mention Merthur?

**Author's Note: **References to previous chapters such as Guy Love, If You Were Gay, and Much Ado about Merlin. Also references to my oneshot Camelot High Presents.

**Mama Mia:**

Merlin was quite proud as he was the bride's mother's best friend and today was the day his little surrogate niece was getting married. Granted the guy was a bit of a tool but no one was ever going to be good enough for Sophie Smith in Merlin's eyes. He sat there in the front proud as a peacock when Gwen, who had been nervous and jumpy since yesterday, suddenly stood up and interrupted the priest.

"- And Sophie's Dad!" she said loudly. Merlin choked as others gasped, from the corner of his eye he could see Arthur Pendragon stand up rather smugly. "Um, yeah, Sophie's father is here and Sophie I need to tell you-"

"Mum," Sophie interrupted softly, "I already know."

"How can you know?" Gwen asked flabbergasted. "I don't know which one is the father!"

Everyone gasped horrified, the priest crossed himself, Arthur looked gobsmacked, Lancelot heartbroken, and the loud thump behind Merlin suggested that Gwaine fell back into his seat, while Morgana merely cackled beside Merlin.

"Mum," Sophie rolled her eyes, "_I know_."

"Oh my God!" Gwen shrieked as realisation sunk in. "_You're _the one that invited them!"

"I'm sorry!" Sophie wailed. "It's just that I wanted to know who my Dad is but then I realised I didn't need to know because I have you, and Merlin, and Morgana, but mostly you."

"Aw!" everyone cooed as Gwen and Sophie embraced tearfully.

"Wait, wait, just one minute," Arthur snapped, as he stormed up to the alter, "are you saying that Sophie might be mine but you don't know?"

"That's right," Gwen said in her most non-nonsense voice that is enough to make anyone freeze. "Do you have a problem with that, Arthur?" she asked daring him just to argue.

"No," Arthur swallowed, "that's fine with me. If it's okay with Sophie then I'd like to be one of her father's. I don't have any kids, a third of a child is more than I can ever hope for."

"Me too!" Gwaine shouted as he stood up. "A third for me too!"

"I suppose," Lancelot said softly as he approached the bride and her mother, "there are worst men to share a child with."

And at that the five of them shared an awkward group hug. "Lucky kid," Morgana whispered, "twenty years without a father and now suddenly three of them turned up at once. You'll guarantee that they'll be bringing twenty years' worth of presents as well."

Merlin would have scolded his materialistic friend if it wasn't for the fact that he could see the obvious that everyone else had been ignoring. Sure, Sophie could easily be mistaken for being Gwen's image, but a trained eye like Merlin's could see the Latino heritage in her.

"_How can you not know who the father is?!"_ Merlin blurted out. "All you have to do is look at Sophie and know that Lance-"

Merlin was instantly interrupted by a swift kick in the shin by Gwen, followed by a: "shut up Merlin!" from everyone else…and they all wondered why he spent the reception sulking!

**Phantom of the Opera:**

Merlin wasn't quite sure how he ended up in this situation. One minute he was singing, much to his irritation has he had been forced into it by Prince Prat, and the next he was in a sewer, under the dungeons, covered in icky smelly stuff, while Arthur was tied to some bars, rope round his neck, and Mordred (heavily scarred from some witch burning courtesy of Uther) was singing.

Yes that's right, _singing._

Sometimes Merlin wonders what it would be like to have a normal life.

"Order your fine horses now!" Mordred sang furiously on the top of his voice as he continued to throttle Arthur with the rope. "Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now, except, perhaps, Merlin..." he glanced at Merlin longingly which gave the manservant a strange urge to drown himself. Death by sewer water would be preferable to this weird situation. "Start a new life with me. Buy his freedom with your love!" _Err…what?_ "Refuse me, and you send your lover to his grave!" _Oh for fuck sake!_ Merlin thought furiously. _He's not my lover! He's just a pain in the backside that I happen to care very much for. _"This is the choice, this is the point of no return!"

He looked at Merlin expectantly in which Merlin replied with a blank look. Seriously, Mordred has gone off his rocker and he expects Merlin to….well Merlin didn't know what Mordred wanted him to do and he wasn't sure if he wanted to know either.

Mordred began to sing again. "Too late for turning back...Too late for prayers and useless pity..."

It was then when Arthur decided to join, but instead of rationally arguing Mordred into calming down, he started to sing. To Merlin. Looking like a puppy with big wide pleading eyes. _Seriously what the fuck is going on here?!_ "Say you love him and my life is over..."

_What?!_

"Past all hope of cries for help," Mordred sang passionately, "No point in fighting, for either way you choose you cannot win."

"Either way you choose he has to win!" Arthur sang in unison.

"So do you end your days with me," well not really aside from the fact that Mordred has gotten very creepy in the last few minutes there was that little fact that Merlin wasn't gay and had a girlfriend waiting for him in a lake. "Or do you send him to his grave?"

Hmm that was rather tempting, no more cleaning Arthur's socks….wait! No! He has a destiny, Damnit!

"Why make him lie to you to save me?"

"Past the point of no return!"

"Wait a minute!" Merlin shouted now having lost all patience. "What if I don't want either of you?"

"…shut up, Merlin."

**Les Mis:**

"How can this be?" Uther asked more to himself than anyone else. "A sorcerer that is good? A wizard that is loyal to Camelot? Someone with magic that actually likes me?"

"Erm," Merlin said nervously, "I never said that."

Both Gaius and Arthur elbowed him for that. Not that Uther seemed to notice as he was still dumbstruck at the idea there was someone who was nice with magic.

"This does not compute," Uther said loudly, "I cannot process this therefore I have no choice."

"Father?" Arthur questioned anxiously.

Uther strolled to the window, opened it, and then said very loudly, "Goodbye cruel world!" before he jumped out of it.

"_Father!_"

"I wouldn't concern yourself, Arthur," Gaius said gently.

"How can you say that?!" Arthur roared. "He's your friend and he just committed suicide!"

"Arthur….we're on the ground floor."

**Cats:**

It was an ordinary, boring, day in which Arthur, the Knights, and Merlin, because everywhere Arthur goes, Merlin follows, were stuck in a meeting. Gwaine, for the life of him, cannot tell you what they were discussing, mainly because he was drunk, but also because it was so very boring that he was starting to fall asleep a little.

That was when he noticed it.

Percival, tall, manly, stoic, but sweet as a daisy, Percival, was dressed as a cat. And not just any cat, a shirtless, body painted, cat with a bell on a ribbon wrapped round his neck. "Percy!" he choked between guffaws. "You look ridiculous!"

"So do you!" Percy flushed.

It was then Gwaine realised he was also shirtless and had a pair of sleek, black, cat ears poking out from beneath his luscious locks. Huh…he had been wondering why it suddenly got chilly. "Nah," Gwaine purred, "I look sexy."

"Ridiculous," Leon, who looked a bit like a white, fluffy, kitten, snapped. "What sorcery is this?"

"I don't know," Arthur said, "but I want you to find out."

The knights all looked at Arthur. Unlike them he wasn't shirtless (for once) nor did he look like a sex cat. Instead he had sprouted yellow fur all over, his hair changed to a ginger colour, and his crown rested precariously between his cat ears.

They couldn't help it. They burst into hysterical laughter.

Meanwhile in the background Merlin snickered evilly; that'll teach them from eating all the food on their quest!

**Jesus Christ Superstar:**

"I want you to point Arthur out for me by kissing him on the forehead."

"Erm….don't you know what Arthur looks like? I'm mean he's your brother isn't he…"

"Don't argue with me! Just kiss the bloke!"

"_But I don't wanna_!"

"My God you sound like a child. Act your age!"

"What, sixteen?"

"Never mind…look, I was going to dab poison on your lips so your kiss will be a real Judas one. Arthur won't know what hit him when his knight's kiss kills him."

"Arthur won't know what hit him when _his knight kisses_ him."

"Stop sulking!"

"Can't we just poison Merlin's lips instead?"

"No! I want to kill my brother not _get him off!"_

**West Side Story:**

"ARTHUR IF YOU PROMISE TO STOP SINGING I WILL STOP FORBIDDING YOUR LOVE FOR THE FUCKING MANSERVANT! NOW PLEASE FOR THE _LOVE OF GOD_ LET US ALL SLEEP!"

**Spamalot:**

Gwen was eager to meet Lancelot. She couldn't help it! Ever since he came back from the dead he had become sexier somehow. A new quality of smouldering sexuality that made her drool and turn to mush. So when he invited her for a secret encounter in the council room she couldn't help but run to the room as quickly as she could.

She took a moment to readjust herself. Pulling the bodice of her dress down just a little bit, running her fingers through her hair to get rid of some stray tangles, and smacking her lips ready for the smoking hot kiss that Arthur has never been able to deliver.

She then opened the door to reveal the most horrifying sight in the world.

All of the knights including, no especially, Lancelot were dancing on the council table, drunk as skunks, wearing Morgana's old dresses. "His...name...is Lancelot," they sang on the top of their voices, "And in tight pants a lot, he likes to dance a lot, you know you do-"

Gwen quickly slammed the door hut before she saw anything else that may require further therapy. She then ran as fast as she could to find Merlin. Fortunately he was lurking in the shadows for some strange reason.

"Merlin!" Gwen wailed as she threw her arms round her best friend. "There's no straight men in Camelot! If I ever want a child I'll probably have to marry someone from Cenred's kingdom or something."

"I don't know, Gwen," Merlin grimaced at the thought, "Cenred wore lots of tight leather and eyeliner."

"_Goddamnit!_" Gwen cursed. "Where have all the straight men gone?"

**Wicked:**

It was another normal quest which of course meant that Merlin had done all the work while the Knights and King Prat did nothing but laze around. After their usual round of teasing Merlin to the point he was considering turning them into dung beetles and stomping them, Arthur suddenly slung his arm round Merlin and leaned in. "Merly-"

"Please don't ever call me that again," Merlin interrupted in a flat, no-nonsense, voice.

"- now that we're friends," Arthur carried on as if Merlin had never spoken. Like usual. "I've decided to make you my new project."

"You want to make me your _what?!"_

"I know," Arthur smirked. "That's what makes me so nice!"

"_Do you even hear yourself when you speak?!"_

And that, much to everyone's horror, is when Arthur started to sing. "Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I (and let's face it - who isn't less fortunate than I?)"

"Arrogant little bastard, ain't he?" Gwaine whispered.

"Well it's the truth!" Leon defended his king loyally. "He is the king and therefore everyone is less fortunate than him."

Arthur was still singing, oblivious to the running commentary, "My tender heart tends to start to bleed, and when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over I know I know exactly what they need. And even in your case tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face-"

"Hang on!" Merlin snapped. "What's _that_ supposed to mean? I have better fashion sense than you lot put together!"

"Red is awesome!" Gwaine argued. "We all look totally cool."

"At least I have individuality and style," Merlin muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry," Arthur continued far too perky for his own good. "- I'm determined to succeed Follow my lead and yes, indeed you will be: Popular!"

"Isn't Merlin already popular?" Elyan asked bewildered. Everyone seemed to know who Merlin is and barely anyone could remember his name, never mind that he lived in Camelot his whole life, is the brother to the King's future wife, and is a knight in his own right.

"You're gonna be popular! I'll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys-"

"I know how to talk to boys!" Merlin shouted. "I'm talking to you, aren't I? You big, dumb, clotpole…"

"Little ways to flirt and flounce (Ooh!)," much to everyone's horror and amusement Arthur did his own weird, incredibly camp and girly, flounce as he started to dance a little in the middle of the forest. "I'll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair, everything that really counts to be popular. I'll help you be popular! You'll hang with the right cohorts you'll be good at sports-"

"That'll take a miracle," Gwaine sniggered. The rest of the Knights chortled alongside him, after all, Merlin was really crap at sports.

Merlin glowered at them all. Not that they noticed or cared.

"- Know the slang you've got to know. So let's start 'cause you've got an awfully long way to go." Arthur then decided to wrap an arm round the incredibly uncomfortable and highly pissed off Merlin. "Don't be offended by my frank analysis, think of it as personality dialysis, now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sister and adviser-"

"_Sister?!"_

"There's nobody wiser-"

"You really need a reality check," Merlin said snidely, "if you're wise then I'm a lizard."

"- Not when it comes to popular - I know about popular and with an assist from me, to be whom you'll be, instead of dreary who-you-were: well, are: there's nothing that can stop you from becoming popu-ler: Lar:" and then Arthur finally, finally, pulled away from Merlin to start twirling. "La, la, la, la, la, la, l-"

Arthur then suddenly halted to a stop, tripped over his own feet, and fell to the ground as he pulled Merlin down with him. The look on his face was worth the humiliation Merlin had felt as realisation of what he had been doing sunk in, and Arthur turned as red as his cloak in embarrassment.

"_What the hell had just happened_?!" he shrieked.

(Meanwhile in the bushes Morgana had just wet herself with laughter. God she loved that spell!)

**King and I:**

"_What do you mean you don't know how to dance?!_"

Uther glowered at his best friend slash advisor slash pain in the arse called Gaius. "Don't make me repeat myself," he growled, "you know I've never had the time to dance."

"You're a King," Gaius snapped back exasperated, "and you were a married one at one point, _twice_ in fact, so how have you gone these last sixty years-"

"Forty five," Uther interrupted, "I'm forty five."

"That's utter bull crap and you know it!" Gaius said sternly. "I know how many birthdays you've had Uther, I've been there for nearly all of them. Your denial of your age is irrelevant to this conversation, how on earth have you not learned to dance? Surely Ygraine would have wanted to?"

"She couldn't stand it," Uther said dreamily, "she had much preferred to sit with me and discuss how wonderful my policies were."

Gaius rolled his eyes at Uther's arrogance but said nothing. "So why are you bothering to learn now?" he asked.

"It's Morgana's ball to celebrate the fact that she is not only home but a hero of the people," Uther explained, "and she had asked me to dance with her. I must be perfect for her or she might never forgive me!"

Gaius rolled his eyes again. "All right then sire," he relented, "I shall teach you how to dance. Now put your left arm on my waist-"

"_I beg your pardon_?" Uther choked.

"Don't make me repeat myself."

After finally getting Uther into the right position, Gaius started to show him the right steps, "And one, two, three," he said bossily, "one, two, three, one, two, th-"

The door banged opened and Uther and Gaius turned to find Arthur, Morgana, and Merlin standing at the door looking rather horrified.

"We can explain everything!"

"WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

**My Fair Lady:**

"Merlin," Arthur slung his arm round Merlin's shoulder. It was a very rare gesture of affection that was often done very reluctantly. Instantly Merlin knew Arthur was up to something. "I'm going to teach you how to be a gentleman."

"No thank you," Merlin shrugged, "I'd much rather wash your socks than have prat lessons."

"I'm going to teach you how to dress like a gentleman," Arthur continued obviously ignorant to the fact Merlin had spoken, "how to behave like a gentleman, to have the manners of a gentleman, how to speak like a gentleman, how to-"

"But Arthur," Merlin interrupted innocently, "If I'm busy with these lessons you're giving me then who will clean your room, or polish your armour, or-"

"You know what, Merlin?" Arthur said loudly, "I've changed my mind. I won't be giving you lessons on how to be a gentleman after all."

"Big surprise," Merlin muttered.

**Kiss Me Kate:**

"Merlin! Well done you! You've been casted again!"

"What?"

"You know? The traditional performance of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew? You've been given the lead!"

"_What?!"_

"Oh don't worry, you're actually playing a bloke this time."

"Oh because that's fucking reassuring!"

"Language! Guess who will be playing your leading lady!"

"Please tell me it's not Arthur!"

"It's Arthur! He'll be playing Kate to your p-"

"That's it," Merlin interrupted his best friend, Gwen, with a heavy sigh, "I'm transferring schools."

**Bugsy Malone:**

Arthur was not impressed to find out that the Knights and Merlin created an assassins guild without him.

He was further unimpressed to discover that they used cream pies as a weapon.

He was increasingly unimpressed to the point of furious to find that they had a 'showdown' with said cream pies and now his castle is covered in the stuff.

So of course he made Merlin clean it all up. With his tongue.

**Seven Brides for Seven Brothers:**

Merlin wondered if the Fates hate him or they just found it amusing to put him in horribly awkward situations. It had been three weeks since Arthur and Gwen got married, and Merlin had to deal with awkward moments of walking in on them, awkward moments of sort of being ordered round by Gwen, and then having to handle with mopey knights who were unable to deal with the fact that Arthur was married.

But this really took the biscuit!

He stumbled across his knights, a lot of ropes, a couple gags, and a group of beautiful young woman.

"Oh my God guys!" he shrieked. "Just because Arthur's married doesn't mean you're allowed to kidnap innocent women and make them your wives!"

"We didn't kidnap them!" Leon protested. "They…erm….sort of kidnapped us."

Merlin furrowed his brow in confusion. "But they're in your room," he pointed out.

"Yes that's where they dragged us."

"I don't believe you!" Merlin shouted.

"Merlin?"

It was then when Mithian appeared out of the blue. She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and Merlin couldn't help but grin back. "Mithian!" he cheered. "What are you doing here? Wait…" he glared at Leon, "don't tell me you kidnapped a princess too!"

"I keep telling you! We didn't kidnap them, _they kidnapped us_!" Leon wailed.

"Leo baby!" a curly haired girl squealed. "Where are you going, we still haven't had Geoffrey officiate our wedding yet!"

Leon whimpered pathetically. This almost made Merlin believe that Leon had been telling the truth (but honestly, knowing Gwaine, and seeing him there enjoying the attention of what seemed to be a harem of girls, he wouldn't put it past the Knights kidnapping these girls while drunk), but what really got him to believe the usually honourable and very bearded knight had been the fact he suddenly found himself being tied up.

"Mithian!" he yelped. "What are you doing?"

"Kidnapping you!" she said cheerfully. She gently used his neckerchief as a gag while doing so she leaned in and whispered hotly into his ear; "I'm going to make you my husband."

Merlin wailed piteously behind his gag while thinking _where the fuck is Arthur when you actually need him?_

**Oklahoma:**

In the end Gwen had won the auction much to Merlin's blatant relief.

It had been her own idea, in order to raise some funds for rebuilding the (once again) destroyed lower town, she had thought an auction over a series of picnic baskets and the company of said owner would help create a fun day for everyone in Camelot. Unfortunately her husband, her brother, and their friends had to ruin it all by fighting over Merlin's basket. She didn't know what Gwaine, Percival, Leon, and Elyan had hoped to accomplish by bidding money they didn't have on a basket they probably won't want later but it was stupid.

Arthur's sulking, pouting, and shrieking like a toddler did not help. Nor did it do any favours for his kingly image.

Though he did have the right point when he said he paid the knights.

Anyway! Point is while her prats were fighting she noticed that Merlin looked more and more anxious and had been shooting her desperate, pleading, looks that she ended up topping everyone's bid in order to rescue Merlin from whatever torture he feared.

"So," she grinned at her best friend, "what exactly is in your basket? I can't imagine you had time to cook."

Merlin smiled at her sheepishly. "I have stuffed it with Arthur's missing breakfast for the last week," he confessed.

"Merlin!"

**Avenue Q:**

"ARTHUR FOR THE LAST TIME I'M NOT GAY!"

"But if you _were _gay-"

There was a loud crashing sound and Merlin left the room looking rather smug. Gaius would disapprove but if Merlin reminded him that he had just been tricked, poisoned, and then had aspersions cast on his sexuality by a singing Arthur, then he would surely be understanding about Merlin using magic to knock their obnoxious king out.

**The Lion King:**

It was a normal day in Camelot, which meant Merlin was stuck standing behind Arthur, waiting to serve his every whim, while Arthur was stuck in the Great Hall trying to reason with his insane – err I mean sound of mind king of a father, who was trying to have a woman executed for apparently curing her child's cut with 'magic'.

"For the last time Arthur, no!" Uther snapped. "Magic is magic-"

"A mother kissing a child's injuries to make them feel better is not magic!" Arthur shouted back. "I was there! She didn't use any sort of spell!"

"When you're King you'll understand," Uther said with a touch of his patronising gentleness, "but until then you should allow me to administer justice as how I see fit."

Arthur flushed bright pink, glowered at his father, and for a moment Merlin thought that would be the end of it (until he breaks this poor woman out later), but unfortunately Arthur opened his mouth again and this time he started singing. "I'm gonna be a mighty King so enemies beware," he sang loudly and childishly.

"Oh God," Merlin face palmed, "not this again!"

Since last week Arthur had been cursed with a spell that caused him to burst into song at random moments. Merlin had yet to find a curse….mainly because he found it highly amusing, but now was not the moment to start singing.

"I'm gonna be the main event," Arthur carried on oblivious to Merlin, "Like no King was before, I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm working on my roar." He then, of course, roared, which caused Uther to raise an unimpressed eyebrow at him.

"Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing," Uther muttered more to himself than anything.

Arthur then did a jump and a spin much to Merlin's humiliation, yes he has become embarrassed on the prat's behalf, and then flung his arms out as he continued to sing. "Oh, I just can't wait to be king! No one saying, "Do this", No one saying, "Be there", No one saying, "Stop that", No one saying, "See here". Free to run around all day. Free to do it all my way. Oh, I just can't wait to be King. Oh, I just can't wait to be King. Oh, I just can't wait to be King."

"Is that right?" Uther asked when Arthur finally, _finally_, stopped singing. "Well then Arthur it saddens me to tell you that that is treason and therefore you are arrested. GUARDS!"

It takes Merlin, Morgana, and Gaius three weeks to persuade Uther that Arthur was under a spell and to be let free….three enjoyable weeks of not having to wash socks….such a shame Arthur can't get arrested more often.

**Rocky Horror Picture Show:**

"Father!" Arthur called out. "You wanted to spe-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

Arthur's eyes burned as it took in the horrific sight of his father lounging on his throne while wearing nothing but leather panties, a corset that appeared to have been stolen from Morgana, fishnet stockings, and an impossibly large pair of high heels that fitted him quite well. Oh, and of course, he had a lot of Morgana's make up on. His eyes were thick with black crap, his lips were bright red, and there was definitely rouge on his cheeks.

"How do you do," Uther drawled in a sexy voice that made Arthur shuddered in revulsion, "I see you've met my, faithful, handyman," it was then Arthur realised one of the Guards was rocking back and forth, completely and utterly traumatised. "He's just a little brought down, 'Cause when you knocked, he thought you were the candyman. Don't get strung out by the way I look." Arthur wanted to pull his eyeballs out with a wooden spoon. 'Strung out' was the understatement of the century. "Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day but by night I'm one hell of a lover."

"Oh Christ, Father," Arthur groaned, sick to the stomach, "I didn't need to know that."

Uther stood up, and much to Arthur's disgust, he stretched out into another sexy pose. "I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania," he sang cheerfully, "Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound," he threw an arm round not only Arthur but the traumatised Guard, Arthur was sensing he would have to pay a large pension to this man when he finally becomes King. "You look like you're both pretty groovy or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal we could take in an old Steeve Reeves movie."

_What on earth was a Steeve Reeves movie?_ Before Arthur could ask Uther had, _thank God,_ removed his arm from Arthur and started to dance back to his throne.

"Well you got caught with a flat, Well how 'bout that, Well babies don't you panic," did his father just call him baby? Oh God that was wrong on so many levels starting with the fact his father never called him a baby even when he was a baby! "By the light of the night, it'll all seem alright, I'll get you a satanic mechanic. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania."

Before his Father could sing anything more disturbing, or dance in a horrible, provoking way, that totally made Arthur want to lose his lunch and more, Gaius burst into the room with Merlin and threw some sort of vile smelling gunk over his father.

"Sire," Merlin panted, "the King had been cursed but thankfully Gaius had just applied the cure."

Instead of being grateful like Merlin hoped Arthur would be, the blonde prince wrapped his hands round Merlin's throat and strangled him, "what took you so fucking long?" he snarled. "I am now in severe need of therapy!"

"So nothing new," Merlin grinned cheekily.

Gaius had to stop Arthur from killing Merlin, and then Uther from killing them all, and then the Guard from trying to kill himself…it was so exhausting that he couldn't be bothered preventing someone from trying to kill Uther later that week.

Then again that might have been because Uther had sent Gaius to the stocks for taking too long with the cure. Arsehole.

**Little Shop of Horrors:**

It started of innocently as most things did.

While gathering herbs for Gaius' foul tasting cures and….well foul tasting meals, Merlin discovered a strange, sentient, plant that looked incredibly mournful and in need of good company. Unable to resist, and always wanting a pet, Merlin took it home with him.

At first his plant just kept dying. Watering it didn't work, nor did leaving it out in the sun, and it wouldn't touch any of the plant food Merlin gave it (not that Merlin blamed the poor thing, it was a potion Gaius had made).

Then one day Merlin accidentally cut himself and the plant perked right up. That was when Merlin discovered that the plant fed on blood and soon enough it flourished into a beautiful, yet strange, pot plant.

It took up a whole corner of his bedroom!

But sadly its appetite grew with it and soon enough Merlin found himself feeding it all the bad guys that attacked Camelot. It was a good system even though he now had to deal with a whinging and singing pot plant that had an ego to rival Arthur's.

It worked…until one day he came home to find it was trying to eat Gaius.

"MERLIN!" Gaius roared as he tried to pull away from the many vines of the plant. "HELP ME GET RID OFF THIS DAMNED THING!"

"B-b-b-but it's my friend!" Merlin stammered.

"I DON'T CARE! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

It took a lot of spells, cursing, and crying but finally Merlin killed the damned plant and then he and Gaius had a long talk about why he shouldn't bring strange plants home.

The next day Gaius enforced a rule of 'no pets' especially when Merlin tried to smuggle a suspicious looking cat under his shirt.

Knowing their luck it was evil too.

**Oliver Twist:**

After a successful training session in which, for once, Merlin didn't collapse and almost died under the pressure and bullying Arthur subjected him to, the Knights all crowded round him in order to congratulate him.

"Well done, Merls!" one obnoxious, fat, and bearded one shouted.

"Yeah," a younger rowdier one agreed, "you finally didn't wimp out."

"You're one of us now," Leon smiled encouragingly.

Merlin couldn't help but grin back as the Knights kindly hauled him up. With their arms around him, they started a strange little dance, as they dragged him back to the castle. Merlin thought nothing of it, though he did find it a little annoying, until they started to sing.

"Consider yourself at home," they sang chirpily. Yes _chirpily_. They were far too perky having spent the last two hours working up a sweat (and Merlin knows they have because they all stank!). "Consider yourself one of the family. We've taken to you so strong. It's clear we're going to get along. Consider yourself well in Consider yourself part of the furniture. There isn't a lot to spare. Who cares? Whatever we've got we share!"

Merlin merely groaned as he felt a wave of nausea hit him. God why couldn't the Dragon give him a destiny that didn't involve singing and dancing?

**Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat: **

The knights were fed up.

They loved Arthur, honestly they do in a total hero worship platonic way, but this was the last straw in his arrogant behaviour. Ever since he got his brand new, magnificently multi-coloured, cloak he had been swaggering around arrogantly to the point even _Leon _wanted to punch him. So one day they ganged up on him and put down some new demands.

"We want better pay," Gwaine listed, "so we can actually drink every night."

"That's not why we want better pay!" Percival jumped in quickly before Arthur could argue against it. "We also want more holiday, if I have to go on three quests within a week again I may just snap."

"We also want better rights for Merlin," Gwaine carried on, "he is after all our friend."

"But more importantly," Elyan said, "we want you to get rid of that monstrosity of a cloak."

He pointed to the rainbow cloak that had even gold and silver thread running through it.

"In fact," Leon said calmly, "if you won't burn it now then we'll never go back to working for you but if you do then we'll drop the other demands."

"_What about my rights_?!" Merlin yelped.

"Shut up, Merlin," the Knights all said, "the cloak is more important."

"Wait one damn minute!" Arthur cried out furiously. "Are you telling me that you're all rebelling over one cloak?" when they didn't answer Arthur face palmed. "_Idiots!_ I would gladly burn this eye sore for you!"

The rebellion was instantly dropped as the knights and Arthur all had manly hugs and Merlin's rights were ignored.

Gwen was not pleased to find out that her birthday present to Arthur had been burnt.


	180. A Flaw in the Plan

**Summary: **I couldn't help but notice that there was a gigantic flaw in Edwin's plan. An alternative of episode 1x06.

**Pairings: **implied overprotective, parental, Uther/Morgana, and the usual flirting/banter that is Merthur.

It was a dark and stormy night, and the Lady Morgana was having a nightmare.

There was no one to observe her as her maid, Gwen, had been given the night off, and no one else wanted to deal with the pampered, slightly spoilt, and high maintenance princess. Not because she would do anything to them! _Oh no!_ In contrast to her adoptive family she was very sweet indeed. No, the reason for no one wanting to deal with her had been because if the slightest thing went wrong, like a lock of hair is out of place, Uther may just have them executed. The over-protective prat.

Therefore there was no one to see the young girl tossing and turning in her bed as the storm outside raged on. Nor could anyone see the horrible, large, black, beetle creeping its way towards her as she slept. Suddenly the Lady Morgana rolled over and her arm flung out as if she was trying to hit someone.

The beetle laid there, crushed beneath the lady's hand.

She then promptly rolled over onto her stomach further squashing the bug.

The next morning when Gwen woke up her mistress, the entire castle was awoken by the screaming fit both girls had over the dead beetle's body (now firmly attacked to Morgana's chest), and Uther (having had his Kingly sleep where he had pleasant dreams of burning sorcerers and like interrupted), had declared this beetle an obvious attack on the Pendragon family and the person who had put the bug in Morgana's bed must be caught and executed by lunch time.

Even Arthur was incredibly unimpressed….but that may be because he was placed in charge of the search and he hadn't had breakfast yet.

Arthur was really grouchy when he hadn't eaten.

MMMMMM

Edwin paced the courtyard as he eagerly awaited for his moment to shine. The Lady Morgana should have been ill for the last few days and poor, poor, Gaius will be helpless in trying to find a cure. With some masterful manipulation, Edwin should be able to take his beetle out of the lady's ear, 'cure' her, and take Gaius' place as royal physician allowing him to kill Uther for once and for all!

The Prince, Arthur, was crossing the courtyard with a grim expression on his face, and a servant following him looking rather worried.

His plan was already working!

Calmly, humbly, he approached the prince. "Your highness," he bowed, "my name is Edwin and I humbly approach you for an audience with the King. I'm a physician-"

"We already have one," Arthur interrupted rudely. "So thanks but no thanks." He then pushed past Edwin while Merlin, feeling defensive on Gaius' behalf, shot the scarred man a haughty look.

"But has he been able to cure the Lady Morgana?" Edwin said loudly. Playing his trump card.

"I don't think there's a cure for being a massive pain in the arse," Arthur said snidely.

Edwin blinked. "Erm…I meant her illness," he said slowly. Had he been wrong? Was the Lady Morgana not a beloved member of the royal household, after all?

"What do you mean?" Arthur yelped. "The Lady Morgana is not unwell! She's fit as a fiddle….unfortunately."

"Arthur!" Merlin scolded him instantly. "Perhaps this….Edwin, was it? Had heard about that horrible bug!"

"It was just a beetle!" Arthur snapped. They found his bug? _Shit!_ How was he going to talk his way out of this?! "A dead one at that!" Wait, what? His beetle is dead? _How_? "There was no need to scream the castle down because of some squished bug."

"I'd scream the place down if I had a dead bug stuck to my chest," Merlin shivered at the thought. "That thing was fucking huge!"

"Yeah but you're a _girl, Mer_lin," Arthur said as he started to walk away from Edwin, "you'd scream if a ladybug landed on you."

"You're just jealous because no ladies, bugs or otherwise, want to go near you," Merlin sniffed.

"_What was that_?"

"You heard me, prat!"

Edwin blinked as he realised the prince and his manservant had just walked away from him while bickering like _little children_. His plan destroyed, his hopes shattered, his dreams hopeless, and all because he didn't consider the possibility that the Lady Morgana might squish his beetle to death!

He should have used something bigger!

Hmm….perhaps a bird would be more helpful to the cause?

(Hours later the bird with poisoned talons courtesy of Edwin is shot down by Leon and served to Uther, poison talon free, for dinner….so much for _that_ plan!)


	181. Old Viking Techniques

**Summary: **Inspired by a Horrible Histories sketch. Arthur has a new war tactic he wants to try out. Gwaine is too eager, Merlin is being stupid, and the others wish they were anywhere else but here.

**Pairings: **A little Arthur/Gwen, mentions of Gwaine loving himself (as usual), and some implied Knight on Knight Action but nothing explicit or actually real.

"I have a brilliant idea!" Arthur started the Camelot Knight's Strategy meeting (which only met once in a blue moon which is probably why Merlin was always having to rescue them. Not that they noticed,) cheerfully. "It is the best intimidation technique I've come across in my readings."

The knights groaned at that. The last time Arthur had a 'brilliant' idea for intimidation tactics, they ended up sore, covered in mud, and people making lewd suggestions about their private activities with one another. It had not been a successful idea and they really didn't want a repeat of that. After all there was only so many gay jokes you can hear before you punch the lights out of someone and end up in a cell in order to 'calm down'.

"You read?" Merlin said dryly.

Arthur shot him a dirty look and it would have escalated into a full out childish argument if Leon hadn't coughed and brought Arthur's attention back to him. "What is your idea, Sire?" Leon asked, loyal as ever.

"Make up!"

"_Make up?_!" Everyone including Merlin repeated sceptically.

"It's an old Viking technique!" Arthur explained, still cheerful, "they wore dark make up to make themselves appear terrifying, and it _worked._"

"Isn't it a bit girly?" Elyan asked as he wrinkled his nose. "I mean that's the sort of stuff Gwen wears, isn't it?

"It's an old Viking technique!" Arthur argued.

"And you call me a girl," Merlin snorted derisively.

"IT'S AN OLD VIKING TECHNIQUE!"

Everyone winced at Arthur's shrill, loud, voice and decided it was best to just drop the subject. After all if they went through with this as reasonable adults, Arthur was bound to see how stupid his idea was, blame Merlin, and they can continue with their lives like normal. If they kept picking at it and moaned about it, the more adamant Arthur will be about them wearing eye liner.

"Arthur…." Leon sighed, as he realised once again, he would be the one speaking for everyone. Seriously, couldn't someone else do it? He gets sore throats! "If it means so much to you, we'll try the, erm…old Viking technique."

"Excellent!" Arthur beamed as he returned back to his good mood. He clicked his fingers at Merlin who stepped forward, opened a sack, and poured out lots and lots of different types of make up onto the table before the knights. He had wondered why Arthur wanted him to raid Morgana's old makeup collection. The knights all inwardly groaned, already regretting this. "All of you experiment with these," Arthur ordered, "we'll do a line up and see what the more intimidating style is. Merlin, you do it too. After all it'll take a lot of make up to make you appear even mildly threatening to a mouse."

"But-"

"_Now!"_

Grumbling, Merlin gave in and reached for some make up. Surely has a manservant he didn't have to be subjected to this stupidity? After all he wasn't the moron that attacked things, went to war with virtually every kingdom in close proximity, and made hundreds upon hundreds of enemies….err actually scratch out the last one, he might have just beaten Arthur in the making enemies' category.

Soon enough everyone was wearing make-up and Arthur was examining each one of them. "Excellent, Leon," he approved of Leon's muddy look, "terrifying, Percival," he admired Percival's evil appearance, "Very good Elyan," Merlin wasn't even sure of Elyan was wearing make-up but he wasn't going to say anything just in case he insulted his best friend's brother. "Gwaine…erm, that's a bit…..well girly."

Gwaine truly did look feminine, for once Arthur wasn't being silly. The gorgeous drunk had outlined his eyes, dabbed a slight bit of rouge on, and Merlin was certain he was wearing lipstick as well!

Gwaine merely responded to Arthur's comment by flipping his hair back. "You just can't handle the fact that I'm gorgeous!" he declared passionately.

Everyone may have taken several steps away from him at that.

Arthur decided it was best to move on. He stepped in front of Merlin and took one look at Merlin's incredibly pale face and swore. "_Mer_lin!" he shouted furiously. "Can't you take _anything_ seriously?!"

"You said you wanted me to look terrifying!" Merlin protested.

"It _is_ terrifying," Leon agreed as the others shuffled away from Merlin, "I think I'll be having nightmares tonight."

"Same here, a ginger, permed, Merlin just doesn't look right," Gwaine agreed with a shudder.

"He looks ridiculous!" Arthur barked. "Our enemies are more likely to laugh at him than run away from him in fear."

"I'm sure one look at your ugly face will cure them of that," Merlin retorted, quite cleverly if you ask him.

"Merlin," Arthur gritted his teeth while he held up one of Morgana's torture devices…erm he means make-up thingy-mc-bob (he was a boy! No matter what Arthur says, and that meant he had no clue about make-up!), "leave, now, before I murder you with this eye pencil thing!"

He did so quickly.

"Now then," Arthur said more cheerfully, "Let's go and test these intimidating techniques out-"

Arthur was instantly interrupted by a spine-chilling scream and a loud thump. Fearful for his wife, he ran out, with his knights not too far behind him, only to find his breathless wife standing over an unconscious Merlin.

"Guinevere!" he cried out worriedly. "Are you all right?"

"I just had a dreadful fright!" Guinevere gasped as she dropped the silver jug she had been wielding (it landed on Merlin's stomach which woke him up with a groan), and ran into Arthur's arms. "Some psycho just attacked me!"

"It's only Merlin, Gwen!" Gwaine called out reassuringly.

"_Merlin?_!"

"Heh," Elyan said amused, "Looks like Merlin's make up is terrifying after all."

"Of course it's fucking terrifying!" Gwen shrieked. "He's dressed up as a clown for Christ sake!"


	182. Merlin Online

**Summary: **Modern AU! TheMerlin cast on the internet….

**Pairings: **Past Arthur/Gwen, Lancelot/Gwen, one-sided Gwaine/Morgana, Gwaine/Gwaine, implied Leon/Crossbows, Percy/Johnlock, Uther/Troll, Uther/Uther, Uther/Gaius friendship, and lots of other friendship feels.

**Author's Note: **This is dedicated to TVnut as a birthday present. Happy Birthday!

**Gwen Smith and Arthur Pendragon are no longer in a Relationship.  
>Elyan Smith has commented<strong>: OMG! Are you all right?!**  
>Gwaine Green has commented: <strong>OMG? Dude can you sound any more like a girl or Merlin?**  
>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>Oi!  
><strong>Gwaine Green has commented: <strong>So why the break up? Did Gwen finally realise what a princess Arthur is and decided something manlier like moi.  
><strong>Leon (is too cool for a surname) has commented<strong>: I am sorry you relationship has ended. You were wonderful together. Gwaine…..I've seen you spend more time on your hair than Morgana does. You are not manlier.  
><strong>Gwaine Green has commented: <strong>A guy has to look his best**.  
>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>And you say I'm the girl.**  
>Elyan Smith has commented: <strong>YOU ARE A GIRL!**  
>Gwaine Green has commented: <strong>YOU ARE A GIRL!**  
>Leon (is too cool for a surname) has commented: <strong>YOU ARE A GIRL!**  
>Percy Johnson has commented: <strong>YOU ARE A GIRL!**  
>Arthur Pendragon has commented: <strong>YOU ARE A GIRL!**  
>Morgana Pendragon has commented: <strong>YOU ARE A GIRL!**  
>Merlin Emrys: <strong>It's always good to know what you're friends think of you, isn't it?

**Gwen Smith and Lance Knight are now in a Relationship.  
>Merlin Emrys Likes this.<br>Elyan Smith has commented: **WHAT THE HELL, GWEN?!**  
>Gwaine Green has commented: <strong>I call Slut!  
><strong>Leon (is too cool for a surname) has commented: <strong>Seconded!**  
>Percy Johnson has commented: <strong>Agreed. You literally only just ended things with Arthur five minutes ago. It's unfair on Lancelot for you to use him as a rebound.**  
>Leon (is too cool for a surname) has commented: <strong>Merlin, I can't believe you liked this. Have you no loyalty to Arthur?!  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>Gwen was my best friend before Arthur and Arthur is alright with it.  
><strong>Elyan Smith: <strong>I doubt he's 'alright' with it. My sister just tore his heart out and ripped it to shreds.  
><strong>Arthur Pendragons has commented: <strong>No I'm fine with it. Me and Gwen have been ending for ages and besides where do you get off not being on your sister's side?**  
>Elyan Smith has commented: <strong>Erm….oh crap!

**Gwen Smith has updated her status: **Can't believe what a bunch of arseholes my so called friends and brother are. This just goes to show what I get for having no female friends.  
><strong>Elyan Smith ha commented<strong>: We're sorry!  
><strong>Gwen Smith has commented<strong>: No you're not.  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented<strong>: Am I am arsehole?  
><strong>Gwen Smith has commented<strong>: No Merlin, you don't count. You're a girl.  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented<strong>: I think you dated Arthur far too long. **  
>Arthur Pendragon has commented<strong>: She didn't need to date me to have eyes, Merlin.

MMMMMMMMM

_AwesomeWarriorKing has Signed In. _

_TheIntelligentOne has Signed In. _

_AwesomeWarriorKing: _Seriously Merlin? TheIntelligentOne? If you were even a little bit smart then pigs would fly.

_TheIntelligientOne:_ It's the truth. Out of the two of us I'm the smarter one, you're just the meathead that can punch things.

_AwesomeWarriorKing has changed his name to HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant. _

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant:_ Oh shut up, Merlin!

_TheIntelligentOne has changed his name to ServesaRoyalPrick. _

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant:_ Merlin you moron, think before you change your name! if anyone saw this let alone GWAINE, they're going to think things.

_ServesaRoyalPrick:_ People always think things, Cabbage Head, it's called using their brain.

_ServesaRoyalPrick:_ Oh…..I just got it. Oops…

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant:_ Idiot.

_ServesaRoyalPrick has changed his name to SuperMegaCoolAwesomeOne. _

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant:_ Oh you are so not the awesome one out of the two of us. If anything you're barely okay.

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant has logged out. _

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant has logged back in. _

_HasAnnoyinglyStupidServant has changed his name to I'mARoyalArseandAPrat._

_I'mARoyalArseandAPrat has logged out. _

_I'mARoyalArseandAPrat has logged back in. _

_I'mARoyalArseandAPrat:_ MERLIN! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT HACKING INTO MY ACCOUNTS?!"

_SuperMegaCoolAwesomeOne:_ You shouldn't make it so easy then. By the way why do you have photos of yourself with your baby blanket and teddy?

_I'mARoyalArseandAPrat:_ What? I don't have – MERLIN!

_SuperMegaCoolAwesomeOne has logged out. _

_I'mARoyalArseandAPrat:_ Oh you can run for now but when I get my hands on you, I'll make the stocks seem like a holiday to you.

MMMMMMMMMM

_From: 1  
>To: MorganaLeFey .uk<br>Subject: You and Me. _

_Hey Babe, _

_Why don't you and I do this together: ' ? _

_I promise you it will be legen-wait for it because I am so awesome like this HIMYM character – dairy! _

_Gwaine ;)_

_From: MorganaLeFey .uk  
>To: 1<br>Subject: You and Me. _

_I would much rather do this this: . . _

Gwaine eagerly clicked on the link, excited to see what such a beauty and sexy lady like Morgana was interested in. he could just imagine all the kinky and dominate stuff a fox like her might be interested in.

Unfortunately, for Gwaine, his dirty thoughts were instantly interrupted as the screen on his laptop turned green, a little caricature of a witch on the broomstick popped up and laughed evilly at him, while some text in melting black writing appeared to tell him that all of his files were being deleted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gwaine cried out dramatically. "MY PORN!"

MMMMMMMMMM

**Percy Johnson has updated his status: **I like Sparkly Unicorns, the colour pink, and I so think Gwaine is sexy and hot.  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>Frapped?**  
>Arthur Pendragon has commented: <strong>erm….if that's what floats your boat, Percy.**  
>Gwen Smith has commented: <strong>OH MY GOD! I LIKE SPARKLY UNICORNS TOO!**  
>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>So do I, they're so cute when Arthur isn't shooting them down, who doesn't like sparkly unicorns?**  
>Arthur Pendragon has commented: <strong>Men? You know people who actually have testosterone in their bodies.  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented:<strong> You don't need any more testosterone in your body. They've been killing what was left of your brain cells since puberty.  
><strong>Arthur Pendragon has commented<strong>: MERLIN!

**Percy Johnson has updated his status: **I am going to kill Gwaine Green for frapping him.  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented<strong>: I so called it!  
><strong>Arthur Pendragon has commented<strong>: Shut up Merlin.  
><strong>Leon (is too cool for a surname) has commented<strong>: Why did you even let him near your laptop? He does this all the time.  
><strong>Percy Johnson has commented<strong>: I felt sorry for him since his laptop is still broken from that virus.  
><strong>Arthur Pendragon has commented<strong>: and here I thought Merlin was the idiot.

**Percy Johnson Posts this Link: JohnlockSexyness/1/1232  
>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>Frapped again?  
><strong>Percy Johnson has commented<strong>: No, it's my new fanfiction that I've written. Please read it!  
><strong>Arthur Pendragon has commented:<strong> erm…Merlin, read it for me!  
><strong>Merlin Emrys has commented: <strong>Bog off! I'm already doing your homework!

MMMMMMMMMM

"Leon, what the hell?"

It was a normal day at school which meant Gwaine had totally nicked Leon's laptop and had now discovered something disturbing on it. Leon, who had been struggling to snatch his laptop back for the last half an hour but been unsuccessful due to his unwillingness to break it took advantage of Gwaine's shock and horror and violently yanked the laptop out of his friend's hand.

"It's my deviant art account! Leon snapped as he cradled his laptop to his chest. "I could do whatever I like on it!"

Arthur, Merlin, Elyan, Percy, and Lancelot all looked interested then. What sort of embarrassing pictures had Leon drawn? Teddy bears? Fan art for his favourite TV show? Disney Princesses?

"But crossbows?" Gwaine whined.

And instantly their interest vanished as they simultaneously shuddered. They had enough of that obsession from their last life.

"Better than what Gwen puts up on hers!" Leon retorted.

"Why?" Arthur asked curiously. "What does she draw?"

Both Merlin and Leon shuddered this time. "Trust me," Leon said, "You don't want to know."

Arthur decided to drop it when even Lancelot nodded in agreement. If the guy who was so besotted with Gwen thought it was terrifying and weird, then it was best to leave it alone.

MMMMMMMMM

Recently Uther started online dating.

After all his children were teenagers and definitely in need of a motherly influence (that wasn't Gaius), and he was starting to become quite lonely on his own (not including Gaius never-ending presence).

At first it started off wonderfully. He was liked by several pretty young women, he had a lot of flirting going on when he should probably be looking at the accounts of his business, and then he found the perfect woman. Mature, smart, beautiful, very beautiful, sheer perfection in his eyes….

_Katrina!_

She laughed at everything he said, she wrote some very saucy stuff in their emails, and she had proven to be the best woman he had met since Ygraine.

"I don't think you should do this," Gaius worried like an old maid, "meeting people from the internet could end in tears."

"There are lots of healthy and happy relationships that start online, Gaius," Uther reminded his friend impatiently. "More success stories than depressing melodramatic ones of sexual predators and axe murderers."

"Yes," Gaius said just as impatiently, "but they're not all the richest, most famous, arsehole are they? There are plenty of people who have you on the top of their death wish list."

"Shut up, Gaius," Uther yawned

And that had been it. He strolled out confidently for his date, waited even more impatiently at the restaurant for the stunning woman, and then –

"Uther Pendragon," a hideous beast crooned "oh I have been dying to meet you!"

"Gah!" Uther choked. "Erm, I beg your pardon," he said more composed and curtly, "I have no idea who you are but I'm meeting somebody and-"

"I know," the monster giggled, "me!" she cried out ecstatically. "Katrina!"

"_What?_!" Uther yelled. "B-b-but you don't look anything like your photo!"

"Neither do you," the troll scowled, "but never mind we could work with that. Now kiss me!"

"AHHHHHH!"

Uther ran for it as fast as he could and didn't stop until he was safely behind his front door gasping for breath.

"I told you so."

This came from Gaius who had made himself home in Uther's armchair and a glass of whiskey.

"Oh…..shut up!"


	183. Hunt the Troll

**Summary: **Some more time travellers make Merlin's life difficult…..this time they're from the past.

**Pairings: **Parental Pasiphae/Jason, implied Ariadne/Jason, implied Arthur/Gwen, Hercules/Gwaine friendship, implied Gwaine/Gwaine, implied Pythagoras/Merlin, and Merthur if you squint really, really, really hard.

**Author's Note: **A Christmas present to TVnut, who loves Atlantis. Merry Christmas!

Merlin was exhausted.

It had been a very long day in which Arthur had him do every chore from cleaning out the stables to hunting that pesky rat to even giving him a massage after his bath (and yes, Merlin did have to carry every bucket of water up three flights of stairs, thank you for asking), and now all Merlin wanted was to go to bed and sleep.

Without a second thought he fell, face first onto the bed, and closed his eyes.

And then suddenly a gust of wind blew over him and a strange noise filled the room that made Merlin's eyes shoot open.

Merlin's eyes widened when another time hole opened up above him. "Oh come on!" he moaned "I just want to sleep!"

The time hole, like everyone else, ignored him as it spat out several people.

Out came a curly-haired boy, a skinny, pale, boy, a middle-aged, fat man, a stunningly beautiful women, and –

"OH MY GOD TROLL!"

Pasiphae wrinkled her nose in disgust while Hercules, Jason, and Pythagoras struggled not to laugh. "What did that unruly child just call me?" she sneered.

No one had time to answer as Gaius burst in, took one look at Pasiphae, and tried to shoot her down with a fireball.

Instantly everyone scattered.

MMMMMMMMMMMM

Gwaine had found his soul mate, and his name was Hercules.

They had met in the good old Tavern where Hercules was bragging about his prowess on the battlefield. Instantly they connected over a flagon of mead as they told each other tales of their previous adventures.

"A Minotaur?" Gwaine repeated. "How interesting. I haven't encountered one of those yet, lots of fairies, some dragon-like creatures, and once a very pissed off nymph but that's a long story for another night, but never a Minotaur."

"Yeah," Hercules said puffing out his chest, "I had to take it down with my skilful sword and managed to save its latest victims from certain death."

"Awesome."

"Well I thought your epic long battle in the underground slave trade followed by fighting zombies, and then single-handedly slaying a dragon was rather awesome, if I say so myself."

"Ah," Gwaine smiled sheepishly at the blatant lies he had told, he really couldn't help it those lies got him free drinks and laid. Lots of getting laid actually. "Well you know, a knight's duty never ends."

"True, true," Hercules agreed before he gulped down some more mead, "Ah," he sighed, "now this is the stuff."

"Finest mead in all of Albion." Gwaine said, "thank you for buying it."

Hercules looked at him in alarm. "I thought you were buying it," he said worriedly.

"…."

"…"

"Let's just charge it on the Royal account!" Gwaine declared. "I've done it before and Arthur doesn't mind."

"Heh," Hercules grinned. "I've done that before. Unfortunately our previous king and current queen mind very much." He eyed Gwaine with warm appreciation. "I like you Gwaine. You're smart, good-looking, witty, and a good swordsman to have at my back."

Gwaine flipped his hair arrogantly. "I know," he smirked.

"You know you remind me exactly of myself when I was younger," Hercules continued, "in fact I used to look exactly like you five years ago before I began to drink every night."

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

And from that moment on Gwaine swore to remain nothing but virtuous, sober, and as careful as a monk.

(This vow lasted two days which was more than anyone was betting on.)

MMMMMMMMMMMM

Pasiphae ran down another corridor as she was still being pursued by a hoard of good-looking, but dim-witted, men. Usually she would enjoy such attention from the average male as her previous husbands were terrible lovers and she could use a good flirt here and there but usually she wasn't being hunted down with the intention of being burnt at the stake.

She whirled round the corner and bumped into a rather dashing, young man. He was stunningly beautiful with clear blue eyes and blonde hair, if she was a good ten years younger she would probably be all over him.

He blinked at her.

She tried her best to look like a victim in hopes he would put an end to her torment and put her under his protection until she could find a way home.

Instead he pointed at her and looked horrified. "_YOU!_" he yelled. "I WON'T LET YOU STEAL MY INHERITANCE AGAIN OR BEFOUL MY CASTLE!"

"_What?_!"

"GUARDS! BURN THE TROLL!"

Pasiphae began to run again.

MMMMMMMMMMM

When Gwen stumbled upon Ariadne, she couldn't help taking the beautiful girl in, dress her in Morgana's clothes, and serve her…..don't ask her why, it was just Gwen's maid instincts telling her that this was someone who needed to be looked after.

When it turned out Ariadne was, in fact, a Queen, Gwen was rather glad she did. After all Uther wouldn't have forgiven anyone if they let a Queen wander round Camelot without being served properly…..not that he could do much now he was pretty much an invalid, mentally that is.

Gwen must admit she did miss being a Lady's maid, it was much more glamorous and fun than being a nurse maid to an ailing old man, and she got to spend her whole afternoon brushing Ariadne's hair while listening to her talk about her woes.

"Wait," Gwen frowned, "let me get this straight. You're a Queen in your own right, your father, the only one that can dictate who you marry, is dead, you have no other guardian, no one really wants your stepmother to take the throne, and more importantly the drop dead gorgeous guy you're in love with is not only available but beloved by your whole kingdom…..and you're not marrying him because it's not what society deems right?"

"Yes."

"Merlin's right," Gwen said with an eye roll, "Royals are ridiculously stupid."

MMMMMMMMMMM

Jason wasn't quite sure how it happened but he ended up kidnapped by a beautiful but truly psychotic woman. The Lady Morgana seemed to know all about him (something about ancient magical history scrolls) and when she found him running round in the forest (a very long story, he first ran away from a crazy old man shooting fireballs, then he encountered some terrifyingly stupid guards, and when he found out he was now in Camelot in all places he decided it was best that he went somewhere away from human society before it turned out he was Lancelot from the legends or something…), she instantly dragged him into her hovel of a home and made him a cup of tea.

"So let me get this straight," she said after a very long, awkward, silence, "you've been lied to all your life, your parent won't reveal their identity to you, your rightful inheritance is barred from you…..and you just don't care?"

Jason blinked. "Erm," he mumbled, "I'm sorry….what are you talking about/"

She looked at him with a mixture of intrigue, shock, and amusement. "You mean you don't know?" she asked rather excitedly. "You don't know that P-"

She didn't get to finish whatever it was she was about to say as Pasiphae suddenly appeared, waved her arm, and threw the girl magically in the air until she slammed against a wall and was knocked out.

"Honestly," Pasiphae muttered in disgust, "I've been in that girl's exact shoes, magically powerful, claimant to the throne, wrongfully used and abused by the men in my life, and have you ever seen me in a hovel looking so filthy and uncouth? No, I maintained a powerful army and constantly keep my enemies on their toes." She shook her head and muttered something else about villains being worse than back in her day. She then glanced at Jason with a strange, fond, look that made him shudder a little bit. And then frowned slightly. "Oh dear, you have a bit of dirt on your cheek," she pulled out a handkerchief and spat on it, "just let me-"

Jason wiggled uncomfortably wondering where anyone was to rescue him from this mortifyingly weird situation, and as if one of the Gods heard his thoughts, the door suddenly burst open to reveal a hoard of stupid guards from the castle.

"There she is!" one of them shouted as they pointed at Pasiphae. "The troll!"

"_Damnit!_" Pasiphae cursed. "Not again!"

That was the last Jason saw of Pasiphae was she was then brutally pursued by a group of men that lost sight of her five times as she hid behind the _same_ tree….

Oh dear Lord! How can so many guards who were trusted to protect the lives of the Royal family be so _stupid?_!

MMMMMMMMMMM

While Gaius was chasing after the Troll-That-Returned-From-The-dead (seriously out of all Merlin's enemies, she had to be the one that came back? He would much rather face off an unholy alliance between Nimueh and Morgause than the Troll) nearly all the other time travellers ran off as well which left a pasty, blonde-haired, timid guy in Merlin's room.

Merlin, unsure what to make of the situation, awkwardly offered a cup of tea, and then before he knew it, he had made friends with Pythagoras.

"I mean really," Pythagoras bemoaned, "is it really too much to ask them to do their own laundry?"

"I know," Merlin rolled his eyes in agreement, "its one thing to do Arthur's, I'm _paid_ to do that, but the rest of the knights? They could blooming well do their own!"

"At least Jason says thank you but if I so much look at Hercules expecting one then _I'm_ the bad guy."

"At least _someone_ says thank you to you. I never get one at all, and I even saved their lives!"

"Oh don't get me started on the danger those two bring on us!" Pythagoras groaned. "Honestly no matter how many times you tell them not to do it or keep away from magic, or be politer to that irate baker we owe money to, they still ignore you and do it anyway."

"And you get smacked for telling I told you so," Merlin agreed, "and you can never win. When you warn them, they ignore you, and when you don't they blame you for not warning them."

"Children!" Pythagoras groused.

"Men," Merlin added darkly.

"_Merlin_!" Arthur shouted as he chose that moment to burst in. "My evil stepmother has returned from the dead and she causing trouble. Stop flirting with your boyfriend and whinging like a little girl, and help me put my armour on. We have troll hunting to do."


End file.
